Happy New Year.....2006 Highs and Lows

Whith 2006 on its last legs, I would like to take this oppurtunity to wish all viewers of this site a happy and prosperous new year. It also seems an appropriate time to log the peaks and troughs endured by the bender squad over the past twelve months.

Highlights;

THE WORLD CUP

A World Cup is like Christmas, Disneyland, Beer and Shagging all rolled into one for any self respecting member, and with this years competition held on our doorstep several of took the opportunity to fulfill a lifetime ambition. Myself, The Boy, John the Don, El Grande Queso, King of the Pixies and the Funky Messiah took off in a motorhome to traipse the German countryside in search of footie and fun. We visited fan fests in Dortmund and Cologne, the latter being for the Sweden v England game. It was a marathon boozing session, from 11:00 am till the early hours. The day had everything, John the Don was in full throttle Buffoon mode, providing his infamous "Viva Espana" greeting to a group of Mexicans ans pointing to a metre long sausage, and inquiring of the waiter "What is that?". The waiter looked upon the blonde one and deadpanned the words "It is a sausage." Lets also not forget the infamous "Business is business, money down, no problem." line to try and secure six drunken knobheads a place on the balcony of the most exclusive hotel in town. More from Mr Greenwood later. The day finished with the Queso turning into Cornish Pasty (Nasty for the unfamiliar), with the Messiah to make for the homeward train ride from Hell.

Hamburg was next on the itinerary, and before we even got on board the train the Don was up to his old tricks. A courier on a pedal trike rolled past us, ridden by a geezer who to everyone else looked to be in the rudest of health.

"Whats that all about?" asked Sandro.

"It's one of them Paraplegics" replied The Don. Pure magic.

The day in Hamburg was slightly marred by the hangovers we all had from going bananas on Long Island Ice Teas in Munster the previous evening. The early morning effects can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwIy_mvngHs Four of us managed to bag tickets for Italy versus Chech Republic, who let me tell you, have some seriously fit women. The game was great, but with energy sapped from the excesses inflicted upon ourselves we couldn't even bring ourselves to visit the infamous Reperbahn. Oh well, gives us an excuse to go again.

Afterwards the only other incident of note was The Dons now infamous Diesel episode with campervan, a tale that was reported thus in an earlier post:


Then with the finishing post in site, no more than 15kms from where we needed to drop off the campervan , John the Don became one of the immortals of bender squad buffoonery. Bear in mind he had already filled up the campervan once with out incident when disaster struck. As I approached the vehicle I was summoned by Queso. He pointed to the liquid pouring from underneath the van and asked me for my opinion on what had happened. After a cursory inspection, my diagnosis was that the don had filled up the watertank with £40 worth of diesel. My suspicions proved correct. When the diesel began to leak from underneath the don figured this was the diesel overflow. Yes he really said it.



Thus John the Don was unanimously voted "Le grande buffoon 2006" Since then he has also filled up his works diesel vehicle with unleaded. He also blames the campervan incident on the rest of us, saying we sat and watched him do it. Yes John, none of us wanted to hit the BannaBar in Amsterdam, we were much happier having to pay anther 75 Euros to fill up the DIESEL tank, then have to pay someone to syphon it out, and then have a full inspection by Henk and subsequently have to divvy up £30 quid each for your stupidity. By the way, John the Don is 10-1 ON to retain the Maillot Jaune in 2007.



Me, Queso and VW returned to witness the abomination of the Quarter Final defeat against Portugal, paying scalpers to get tickets. We sat with Harry Enfield behind us for the match, and had great day, until it got to penalties, you all know the rest. We also discovered Eindhoven were we stayed prior to the game, and had a rip snorting session. You know its a good one when you are doing the twist a t a dodgy club at 4 a.m.

SHOUTYS STAG NIGHT

There is really only one reason for any self respecting squad member to wed, and that is the ritual of "The Stag Night" This year it was Shoutys turn to take the plunge, and he decided on the old reliable Amsterdam to celebrate his impeding nuptials. it was a good turnout, everybody made it to Leeds/Bradford for the 6 a.m. flight, and we hit the ground running. Shouty got into the full spirit of the occasion, donning a gimp mask, red tights, a PVC mini skirts and what appeared to be a leopard skin thing, although I was not brave enough, or indeed stupid enough to get close enough to find out. It was then onto the world renowned BannnaBar for cocktails, but not before Shouty dive bombed two unsuspecting locals, passing by in a canal boat. The rest of the weekend was top notch, much beer was drunk, although a planned excursion to Berlin never really got off the ground. C'est La Vie.

CHRISTMAS BENDER SKIPTON

It was great to see a good turnout for this years Xmas bash, many dragging themselves out to Skipton after a long day at work. Unfortunately after a long day boozing, my memory isn't that great these days, so I can't recall much other than singing Silent Night. JohnnyWest fell off the train platform, G Spot was possibly mugged on the way home, and placed on license by his M.R.S. Shouty some how ended up the Happy Hardcore hell that is Lyngards. King Dave, the Ginga Ninja and Shouty were also ejected from a night club in Skipton. All in all a good evening.

MISCELLANEOUS

Tony Helmet not only found gainful employment, he also got himself a woman, finally scotching the rumours that he may bat for the other side. Mad Ad also found himself a new girlfriend, and yes, they have had a bambino. Adam you have proved your worth, now put a knot in it. John the Don has managed to go a couple of months without doing anything stupid (we think). Jamon was outed by the public as the biggest gaylord on the Evil JMF. Funkys copper highlights finally grew out. The King of the Pixies ended his Maltese exile. G spot finally made it out....then blew it by getting mugged and taking five hours to get from Bingley to Wyke. His trouble and strife has revoked his bender privileges. Lobon didn't have any bad luck. The sausage jockeys of the JMF were champions of the Wood.

If anybody can think of anything I may have overlooked please post as comment.

Lowlights:

The continued ineptitude shown by English national sports teams, especially our football team. I can accept to a certain degree the Rugby League and Union teams being rubbish, as it is obvious they are not the best teams. The cricket team fell into the trap of picking players who weren't fit, and then decided to play not to lose, instead of playing to win, a problem more than evident in our football team. The England football team. On paper world beaters, on the pitch pussies. Why do we need a midfield anchor against Trinidad and Tobago? Walcott, why take him if you have no intention of playing him? Why try a new formation in qualifier, not a friendly? Steve McLaren??????????

The Labour party. Banned smoking in pubs. Taxing anything fun. Id cards. Taxing anything not fun. Asylum seekers. Iraq. State handouts for layabouts. Human rights act. Afghanistan. Failing schools. Bankrupt hospitals. Speed cameras. Road pricing. Health and Safety. Tony Blair. Cronyism. Spin Doctors. QUANGOS. Soft sentencing for criminals. Politics of fear. Council Tax. John Prescott. We are sinking into a sea of shit, and nobody seems to care. These people are destroying our lives and eroding the rights we have taken for granted all our lives. Check out http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/ and register your disapproval for the insane schemes being considered by the bunch of buffoons how are supposedly running this country. Below are two links to oppose road pricing and id cards.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/traveltax/ Road tax

http://petitons.pm.gov.uk/IDcards/ Id cards

The continuing march of the terrible two, Tescos and Asda(Wal-Mart), towards world domination. You know I am right.

Well that's it for 2006, I will try and cobble together a post before Old Years Night, previewing whats on offer in 2007. For those about to booze, we salute you! Happy New Year.

McOdyessy...Now Standing at £4

Yet again no one could pinpoint my McLocation, so this week there is a rollover of £4 to be won by a vigilant viewer. Last weeks answer was Detroit, Michigan, the clue being the state flag, not the Stars n' Stripes.



So without further adieu,



WHERE'S McEuro????????

Merry Christmas

Well it's Chrimbo eve, I have finally shaken my hangover from Friday, and do not have to leave the house again till Boxing Day. The Boy Dazzler and me are going down to watch the Mighty Bantams on Boxing Day, Jules the Mercenary and the Messiah may be joining us as well. G Spot and Spunky Monkey are up for a few sherberts afterwards. anyone who fancies joining us, my phone is on and we plan on being in the New Beehive between 13:00 and 13:30. Whatever you do, have a good one.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to Everyone

2006 Champions..................................JMF

The JMF rose Lazarus like to claim the 2006 title down the Wood last evening. With six games remaining in the year, and down by two victories the gay boys of the MoFo clawed their way back to triumph 16-6 over the fading Euro Elite, in last nights decider. The opening minutes of the game were blighted when Dead Eye went down to a head injury, being rushed to hospital to receive several stitches to a gaping eye wound. Fortunately for the JMF, Jules the Mercenary had showed up to see who would prevail and stepped up to play goals and prevent a forfeit. Unfortunately for the Euro Elite, a combination of poor finishing and inspired goal tending from the mercenary, saw the dastardly JMF open a four goal lead. To compound matters for the out of form elite, Mount Lobon exploded, throwing a Mick that registered 10.3 on the Richter scale, and the game slid of reach for the Elite.

That's basically all I can bring myself to report. We were poor last night, but the season was thrown away over the last six weeks as my team imploded, morale hitting a rock bottom when we needed to step up to the plate. We break up now for Christmas, the opening encounter of 2007 scheduled for the 5/01/07. We will keep the same teams for a couple of games to see if the Elite can put Decembers woes behind us. If not we are considering transferring I am your Father Luke for Dead Eye, in the interests of keeping the game competitive. This really sticks in the throat, but congratulations, and well played to the JMF. (Bunch of fucking turd burgling arse bandits....)

McOdyessy

Well there were no correct guesses for last weeks "Where's McEuro?", so this week is yet another rollover, taking the prize to a mind boggling £3 !!!!!!!!!



King Dave did guess the answer, but unfortunately, in the interests of fairness, only online answers can be accepted.



The answer was.....................LONDON. The photo was taken on a trip to see the Mighty Bantams hold Spurs to a draw six years ago. So onto this weeks "Where's McEuro????"

There is a clue in the flags. Good Luck.

Showdown Lineup's

The 2006 decider down the Wood takes place on Wednesday between the gallant European Elite, and the immoral Jamon MoFo. The sides are the original sides that started the season, with the exception of "What's it all about" Alfie replacing the derailed JohnnyWest, whose injury was sustained Saturday night, when he fell off the platform at Skipton train station. Jules the Mercenary remains on standby for any late casualties.

The Teams;

European Elite;

1. European Bri (Captain)
2. Shouty Paul
3. Lobon Mick J
4. Whats it all about Alfie
5. I am your father Luke

Jamon MoFo;

1. Jamon MoFo James (Captain)
2. King Dave
3. Dead Eye Phil
4. Funky Messiah
5. Young Gaz

The elite carry the advantage of the wall and a better selection of keepers, but the MoFo boast the prolific pairing of Dead Eye and Young Gaz. Bookmakers make the JMF slight favourites, but it will be cup tie football, so anything can happen.

Christmas Bender 2006...........Skipton

Well its now Monday morning, and after spending all Sunday on the sofa recovering I can pronounce our Skipton bender a success. My self and G Spot were first out of the blocks, JohnnyWest still being in bed when we went to pick him up. After breakfast in Whetherspoons Bingley we made our way to Skipton, where we were joined by new comers Paddy, Carl and the crazy mother that is Liam. After a few pints of Russian lager Dead eye and Dom showed and we moved on to meet up with Shouty, Crespo and Lobon, before meeting the rest in the Castle. It was in this pub we were finally joined by JohnnyWest, who was only 6 hours late. At around this time the nose bag went on and much rowdiness ensued. Late joiners included Skidley, Helmet, luklear, King Dave and the Ginga Ninja. Buffoon moment of the evening goes to Johnny, who managed to fall off the platform and get wedged between the train and platform. G Spot lost his wallet and chipped a tooth on his way home, but was to drunk to remember how it occurred. Liam has introduced his puckerhole to everybody in Skipton. These are just the early reports, and hope to be able find out why King Dave was kicked out of a Skipton nightclub, where Luklear got to, and if the Ginga Ninja ever made it back to Lobons. I will also be posting the pics of the evening to http://www.bendersquad.smugmug.com/ . Adios Muchachos.

Evil M.R.S. Foil Jamon Escape Bid

While all resources were poured into rescuing Shouty from the clutches of SammyJ, the Bender Squad were blindsided by the Evil CD. Unable to locate Jamons escape tunnels she resorted to the nefarious method of poisoning to lay low Squad member Jamon. After being refused parole to attend the Munich Oktoberfest, we were looking forward to Mr. MoFo and his invisible shopping trolley joining us for our Christmas Bender a round Skipton. Unfortunately on Friday he was struck down by a stomach bug that left him needing to remain within 10 feet of a toilet. Let this be a lesson to all..........

Bender Eve

Have just returned from working in Liverpool, so apologies for the lack of any postings over the last few days. Everything is ready for the Xmas bender round Skipton town, and followers of this blog will be pleased to that the evil M.R.S. has agreed to free Shouty to partake in the Yuletide festivities. Meeting place for the early starter is Bingley Whether spoons before noon, and the Skipton branch before 1 o'clock. Apologies for the brevity of the last two postings, but I am cream crackered.

Down to thw Wire

Darkness descended over the Wood on Wednesday night, as the shirt lifters of the JMF prevailed by four goals to draw level with the Euro Elite in the race to be named champions of 2006. despite being without the talismanic Dead Eye, the MoFo eased to victory over an out of sorts Elite. Team line ups are yet to be announced for the deciding game next Wednesday, and will announce them, when finalized.

Beer Goggles

What is it with beer and eyesight? You go out, have a few sherberts, a few laughs, and you catch the eye of some stunner across the crowded nightclub. You pull your best best come hither look and head for the dance floor. You mistake the shocked look on your mates faces for jealousy, and hit the floor to chuck your choicest shapes at your new found goddess. After some serious tonsil hockey you ask her home and she agrees, rubbing up your leg, and leaving no doubt, that tonight you have well and truly pulled. You tip a wink to your shell shocked mates, and you are off for a night passion. Falling asleep after a night of marathon rodgering you wake up with a killer hangover to find out........................................










SHE'S A DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McOdessy....Where's McEuro?

Welcome to this weeks "Where's McEuro?" Last weeks answer was correctly guessed, but no one has come forward to claim, so this week is a £2 ROLLOVER! The picture last week was taken in Eindhoven, Holland on a trip to watch England crash out of the World Cup. Anyone who decided to check out www.bendersquad.smugmug.com would have found the answer in the "World Cup Part Two" section, titled McEindhoven. So on to this weeks McOdyessy, which you cannot find on the aforementioned website. So without further adieu;



WHHHHEREEE'S EUUUURO??????

Ach Du Meine Gut!!!

Or roughly translated "Flipping Heck!!!" I have been trying to reserve places at the tents for the Oktoberfest, and have discovered you can't do it using Der Kredite Karte. This means we will be going with no guaranteed spots. But before you throw yourself off the nearest bridge, STOP! Although some of the most popular tents may require lengthy queue times, there are plenty of smaller ones that are easier to find seats in, and as we are there on a Sunday, even the largest tents should have places. So do not despair, fortune favours the brave, and I am positive we will have a legendary bender. if anybody knows someone who's been before please find out if there are any useful tips. Cheers.

Skipton Bender Countdown

The Xmas season is upon us, and as regular readers are aware, our annual Christmas booze fest will be held at the "Gateway to the Dales", Skipton. A good turnout is expected, Jamons escape tunnel remains secret from the dreaded Chezstapo, G-Spot has been given the green light and Dangerous Pete is dusting off his stunt suit as we speak. On a more sober note, the Shouty trail has gone cold, throwing our minutely devised rescue plans awry. Anyone who spots a goofy looking geezer Shouting rubbish, please contact ASAP. Funky and Queso will be unable to attend due to prior arrangements. As for the rest see you down there.

Jamons Love of Tescos Explained

I have for years struggled to understand why brother Jamon loves shopping at Tescos so much. I think I now know why;

So That's Why it's So Cheap

When the BBC led one of its news bulletins about work exploitation in Asia it was not much of a surprise to learn two of the companies named were Tescos and Asda. The evil twins, who turn not millions, but billions of pounds profits, apparently have no problems paying the princely sum of 5p per hour at some of the clothing factories they use in, amongst other places, Bangladesh. Makes you wonder what they get up to to keep their food prices so low doesn't it.

See full story at;
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6219274.stm

Words Fail Me.....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6219608.stm

Late Dead Eye Equaliser Keeps JMF Hope Alive

With seconds remaining last night, Dead Eye atoned for an earlier penalty miss by poking home an equaliser as time expired. The nefarious JMF had played catch up all night, not once taking the lead, but emerged with a well earned draw. Dead Eye's redemption came after an earlier penalty miss against the hippopotamus reflexed Shouty came back off the bar. A tight match seemed to have gone the way of the Elite when Euro smashed a fine goal past Funky, but the usually reliable goalkeeping skills of JohnnyWest were found strangely lacking, as Dead Eye scuffed one home from distance.

So all results remain possible with two fixtures remaining for the 2006 season, with the Elite protecting a slender one game advantage. The homo's of the JMF have the wall next week, but will be without the goal machine Dead Eye Phil, whose place is filled by Jules the Mercenary. Ironically, Lobon continues to try and shake off a groin strain, and will be subject to a late fitness check. Whats it all about remains on standby.

Green Tax....or Stealth Tax?

Yet again our inept government has decided the answer to climate change is taxation. Fuel duty to rise and a £5 increase on flight duty. This is really starting to piss me off. The people who use gas guzzling vehicles the most and jet of on a whim will not be bothered by these increases at all. It will be the likes of me and you who, yet again will have to tighten our belts, and go without the small luxuries we work so hard to gain. When is there going to be an alternative approach? I have a paper, glass and can recycling bin. I save all my plastic containers and cardboard for recycling at local supermarkets (Tescos and Asda excluded). I have applied for the green garden waste bags. We run a small litre unleaded vehicle. My house is insulated and I have installed a low water usage lavatory. All my electrical appliances are switched off on an evening, not left on standby. What more can I do? Yet instead of being rewarded with say a council tax discount, I am yet again being fleeced by these fuckwit politicians who seem to reside in some far away make believe land where everything is just peachy. What really bites me is they raise all these taxes and levies, for weird for useless things such as ID cards, and then club together to push for a 40% pay increase for themselves!!!!! This is on top of expenses and one of the most generous pension packages you can imagine!!!! Where do I sign up???

I have lived and grown up in this country for pushing thirty years, and am appalled at the way this land is being sold down the river by Tony Blair and his posse of liberal do-gooders. For my generation it all seems OK because we have houses that have doubled and tripled in value, and credit is easy to get, but how are our kids ever going to be able to afford their own place? Especially when they are lumbered with big bills if they wish to go on to further education? How many of you have a decent pension plan? All that equity will be eaten up double quick, when you need it most. And don't bank on any inheritance, because all that money and property your folks grafted so hard for, is more than likely liable for inheritance duty, which is to all intense purposes a tax on dying.

Sorry to moan, but I am ready to call time on this country, which I hate to do as I love the place.

S.O.S Hebden Bridge

The evil Mean Repressive Spouses planned withholding of Shouty on the 16th is starting to unravel. A secret deep undercover operative has gotten word to me that this planned outrage was to take place in Hebden Bridge. Unsurprising really, as this little Yorkshire town lays claim to be the "Lesbian Capital of Britain", so SammyJs nefarious doings could be carried out unhindered by any lurking geezers. Well we are on to you!!!! We fear no Dykes!!!! In fact, they quite turn us on.

So rest assured members of the M.R.S, we will never surrender till we have Saved Our Shouty!!!

McOdyssey...The Where's McEuro Game

As everyone knows, I am fond of a burger, the perfect hangover food. During my japes throughout the world I started a somewhat stupid tradition of having my photograph taken outside various McDonalds. I was often asked to what purpose I did this, and to be honest I never really had one. Till now. Starting today I will be running a weekly "Where's McEuro?" game, with a shiny pound coin up for grabs to the first person to correctly guess in which town I was. If there are no correct answers, the prize will roll over. So without further hesitation, this weeks "Where's McEuro?";



Answer and notification of prize winner next Tuesday.

Lobon Stretches Lead

In the annual dream team league, Lobon is riding roughshod over the competition. Early pace setter SammyJ has proved that the early advantage was indeed a fluke, and has retired to her dark, dingy kitchen. It would appear the only person capable of mounting a challenge to Lobon is the Funky Messiah, but with the season not even at the half way stage, it seems doubtful any one will stop the Coronation of King Lobon. One highlight however, is to see that well known gracious loser, Mr MoFo himself, is having sunlight pumped to him by the rest of the field. Latest standings are as follows;

Pos
Team Name
Points
1
Magical Micks Dreamers
676
2
International Party Dr
574
3
Noks noodles
563
4
SHOUTY`S SHOOTERS
557
5
European bri's bender XI
536
6
wish me luck
525
7
Crespo's cabbages
511
8
raging roaring rats
500
9
Jamonmofo
461

The Wilsden Family...

Your sister is your mother

Your uncle is your brother

You all f@*k one another

The Wilsden Family.......

Jamon is the leader,

Ones name is Dangerous Peter,

Funky, Helmet, Ad and Skidder,

The Wilsden Family......

So be wary of their patter,

It doesn't really matter,

Cause your arse they want to batter,

The Wil-sden Fam-ily!!!

Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?

On Yer Bike.......

With the 2006 season drawing to a close, and one more victory required by the Heroic Euro Elite to guarantee at worse a draw, brother Shouty decided on an eccentric tactic to improve his performance. He decided to cycle five miles through Bradford from work prior to playing five a side for an hour. Take a moment to digest that last sentence. After you have taken that on board ask your self this question...."What was his bike doing at work?" That's right, he rode his bike from home to work, a trip of around another five miles. This would not be an issue if the Shoutster was an eighteen year old racing snake, but unfortunately he is a pot bellied thirty year old. After 15 minutes, with the sphincter sniffers of the JMF six goals up, he was heard to complain "My legs feel like lead." What a buffoon! Combine this with the wayward shooting of "Whats it all about" and it will be no surprise to learn the JMF limped home with a four goal advantage. Shouty has been reprimanded and promised to use his loaf next week.

So on to next week, when victory would bring the JMF level with the Elite with two games to play. The JMF will pleased to hear Dead Eye has got his dates mixed up and will be available to play. Jules and the Magoo like Alfie will be filling in for King Dave and Young Gaz, while the Elite await a late fitness check on Lobon.

The Evil Empire move into the Jazz Mag Business...

Not content with the destruction of the traditional British High Street, the evil monolith that is Tescos are now set to decimate the newsagents top shelf. In their greedy pursuit of every last penny in the country, the evil empire has turned its focus on the girlie magazine trade. The days of Razzle, Mayfair, Asian Babes, Big 'un's, Readers Wives, Playboy, etc. may well be numbered. No more will there be a magazine to cater for all our weird and wonderful fetishes, as they all become homogenized into one cheap magazine that will try to please everyone. But worst of all, to squeeze as much money out of this new enterprise, quality is sure to to take a back seat. Something that becomes all to apparent when you witness the inaugural edition of this new publication...............

Shouty Rescue bid hits Snag...

Attempts to secure the release of brother shouty from the clutches of the evil M.R.S using diplomacy have failed. Kidnap ringleader SammyJ has stated if he wishes to go out on 16/12/06 he will be made to forgo the Oktoberfest trip next year. We have reiterated that we find these unreasonable demands impossible to condone. Therefore we have decided to go to plan B. As you have read over the last few weeks , the chopper is juiced and ready for action. Unfortunately the Bender Squad Chopper might not be up to the task in hand.......

Bantams v Lions FA Cup

Bradford City's quest to win the FA Cup (fat chance) for the first time since 1911 continues on Friday night, as the mighty bantams play host to the lions of Millwall. Big Al is back in town and I am meeting the boy Dazzler in Wibsey before heading down to the match, and out for a few bevvies afterwards. Anybody else who is up for it let me know. We plan on sitting int the top tier of the kop.

Munich beer tents

I have got info to book places at the Lowenbrau tent, and will be posting it off tomorrow. Please visit http://www.oktoberfest.de/en/03/content/loewenbraeu/ for pictures and the like. Unfortunately for you weissbier fans, myself included, there isn't an Erdinger tent. Apparently all the breweries need to be in Munich to be allowed a tent. C'est la vie. I am asking for reservations on the 28th September, the day we land, and would suggest one of the Paulaner tents for the following day. I will also keep tabs nearer the time to see if Bayern are at home, and will try and snag some tickets for anyone who is interested.

M.R.S. terror strike claims first victim

Last night the unnerving news broke that the Mean Repressive Spouses, in an unprovoked attack, have claimed their first victim of the holiday season. Brother Shouty has been kidnapped by a high ranking operative in the M.R.S., codenamed SammyJ. His whereabouts on the 16/12/06, our annual Xmas shindig date, are to be kept secret from his brothers in the bender squad, as he is forced to endure the unholy hardship of the wife's birthday!!!!!!!! A meeting has been hastily arranged to try and conceive a rescue mission, but information as to where this dastardly deed is to take place remain sparse. The chopper is juiced and ready to spring into action. Anybody who see's this character on the 16th of December please call 999, and quote S.O.S...(Save our Shouty). Please DO NOT approach. SammyJ is one of the meanest of the evil M.R.S. Her infamous laddered tights are made from an unknown material and are impossible to break free from once she has tangled you in their dastardly web. Let this be a warning to all fellow brothers of the squad to be at your most vigilant. Together we will prevail.


"Quod inter amicos accidit, inter amicos manet"

Jmf Spanked by Seven

After a three week hiatus, the return of JohnnyWest inspired the Elite to their best performance of the month, to shoot down the evil disco dancers of the JMF by seven. Shouty was back to his ankle biting best," Whats it all about " worked the channels well, JohnnyWest swept up at the back and European Bri lead the arse bandits a merry dance. There was also a huge improvement from "I am your Father", who appears to finally be coming to terms that he needn't keep his back to the wall at all times.

As the years end draws close, Jamon has come up with years results, as to who can lay claim to be King of the Wood;

Hello Mr. P.

Annual football results up to and including last night:

PURE JMF – 19 WINS
EVIL ELITE – 21 WINS - BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DRAWS – 3
GAMES WHERE I DIDN’T WRITE THE RESULT DOWN COS ON HOLIDAY (SO UNKNOWN) – 2

BY MY RECKONING THERE ARE FOUR GAMES LEFT BEFORE THE END OF THE SEASON (I.E. 2006) SO EVERYTHING TO PLAY FOR.

“COME ON YOU JMFFFFFFFFFF”

“ELITES GOING HOME IN A COTTINGLEY AMBULANCE”

The Wilsden Woo

I have unearthed this picture of the infamous "Wilsden Woo", a traditional dance performed by locals prior to the weekly "Fleece Chase", which determines which local sheep goes home for some good old Wilsden loving. As you can see, bells are tied to trousers to soothe the woolly fellas and a pigs bladder is blown up to remind the participants to use contraception to prevent the outbreak of baaaaids. This still hasn't soothed fears of villagers being diagnosed MS+ (Mint Sauce Positive). My advice.........................Give the place a wide berth on weekends.

Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?

Jesus Dancing

Found this clip of Bradfords holy man doing a jig on Youtube.....

Munich hotel bar

I have found this picture of the Hotel Montree on the net. My it does look cheesy! Can't wait to see if the geezer is still smiling after a close encounter with Helmet, Mad Ad and Funky. I just hope there ain't no piano...

Buckeyes Win....Hangovers Suck

The Buckeyes ran out 42-39 winners on Saturday night to advance to the championship game, in front of 105,708 people. The game sounds closer than it was, a couple of dodgy refereeing decisions helping the Wolverines keep in touch. Myself and Big Frank had a few in the Duke of York before settling down with the Viking to watch the big match. Although I did drink a fair bit of beer, I wasn't drunk by any stretch of the imagination. Yet the next day I was felled by a delayed hangover that kicked like a mule. My head fucking ached from 13:00 to about 23:00. Is it age or what? I personally point the finger at Fosters, Australian beer always did hang rough on the old noodle. Anyway the championship game is on the 8/01/07 and the Buckeyes will probably be facing either the University of Southern California or the fighting Irish of Notre Dame, although a replay with the Wolverines is a possibility.

Go Buckeyes

The biggest college football game in decades is on today, as the No. 1 ranked OSU Buckeyes take on the No. 2 rated Michigan Wolverines, the winner being guaranteed a berth in the championship game. Both teams go into today's match undefeated, and is the first time they will play as the top two contenders. The rivalry between these two teams is intense, it was recently voted the greatest grudge match in American sports, and extra poignancy will be added this evening after Bo Schembechler's death yesterday, the man considered to be Michigans greatest ever coach. Comparisons of the rivalry are Real Madrid v Barcelona, Celtic v Rangers and Euro Elite v JMF. Michigan start the game slight underdogs, but will be hoping the countrys meanest defence, featuring LaMarr Woodley, Alan Branch, Terrance Taylor and Rondell Biggs/Tim Jamison, upset the Buckeyes rhythm. Ohio State QB Troy Smith will be looking to find favoured wideouts Ted Ginn Jr. and Anthony Gonzalez to defeat the Wolverines.

The game will be played out at the Ohio Stadium, a.k.a the Horseshoe, in front of a sell out 101,568 fans. Tickets will be scarce as the Buckeyes have sold out every home game since 1975. I will be watching the game with big Frank, unfortunately it is only available on NASN, a subscription channel on satellite/cable. We will be hoping the Buckeyes stuff the JMF like Wolverines, GO BUCKEYES!!

Drunk Hobo Screaming In The Street

Bradford city centre wino doing his take on the Budweiser WHHHAAAAZZZZUUPPPP! adverts

I spy with my little eye....

I am sat at home on a day off. Bored. Elsters left washing up to do! BOOOOOOO! While I am thinking up excuses for not doing the dishes, a game to pass the time:



SPOT THE MESSIAH>>>>>



Now for one that's a little harder:



Where's Funky???????

Pitiful

The Jmf ran riot over an out of sorts Elite last night, prevailing by 10/11 goals(couldn't be assed counting at the end). Two Scoops pulled up lame, Alfie didn't show till half an hour had passed, shouty ran round in ever decreasing circles and I am your father Luke decided that "Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Lobon" and set up camp in the top right hand corner. To give a small insight to just how poor the Elite were, the evil soap dodgers of the testosterone impaired Jmf were eight goals up within 10 minutes. We were woeful.

Xmas bender round Skipton

Yes its nearly that time of the year already, and for 2006 we have chosen the tranquil setting of Skipton for our annual Christmas all dayer. The date is 16/12/06, which is a Saturday, and the chopper is ready to airlift any members who are struggling to escape from the clutches of the Mean Repressive Spouses. Put it in your diary and we'll see you on the sixteenth.

The country is going to Hell in a handbag

It has been reported today that six drug addicts have won an out of court settlement from the Government. It is not because they were used for illegal experiments. Its because they were made to go cold turkey when sent to jail for breaking the law. That's right, the poor little angels were deprived of smack when sent to prison. Apparently this breached the poor fella's human rights. Check the BBC report here; http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6142416.stm. Can someone explain to me how 6 convicted criminals get a cash "reward" for being denied something in jail that is against the law????? To top it all the six were used as a test case, and the true figure to be compensated is 198! A Prison Trust Reformer has stated this may pave the way for alternatives to prison for petty criminals who are addicts. What does she suggest? Perhaps a fortnight in the Maldives? What about Disney Land? Well I just happen to have a quite radical proposal to remedy the situation, and I reckon in the long run it will save thousands of pounds and keep everybody happy. Seeing as we are currently entrenched in Afghanistan, do a deal with the local Heroin dealers for the purest, hardcore shit that they can get. Hire a big hall, invite all the wastrels and no-hopers to fill their boots, and fast track them on to the next life in a manner to their liking. Don't feel sorry for them. Everybody knows what this garbage does to you, yet still they choose this "lifestyle". You cant help those that won't help themselves.

You can tell your a Wilsdener.......

You can tell you are a Wilsdener when.......

• you have been married three times and have the same in-laws
• you fart in public and blame your kids
• you've been to wedding reception at Little Chef
• you've lost your wife in a poker game
• your lawn mower is a sheep
• the biggest city you've ever been to is Keighley
• your naked on laundry day

Why do Wilsdeners go to family reunions?

To hit on chicks.

Whats the difference between a Wilsdener and a coconut?

Ones thick and hairy. The others a coconut..

Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?

You bet I'am...

Leading on from my previous post "Are you man enough?", I can report I have tackled the burger Behemoth that is the Double Whopper, and lived to tell the tale. I can also report that it tasted CHAMPION! I even ate it outside the Bradford Royal Infirmary, just in case I exploded in a fountain of barely chewed grease and gristle, as those pinko five a day do gooders would have you believe. The fact I am writing this correspondence indicates I survived this tasty ordeal unscathed. For those out there who have yet to sample this culinary delight let me whet your appetite. We'll start with the two quarter pound flame grilled beef patties, covered with two slices of cheese. Next is a crisp bed of lettuce garnished with pickle, not that limp wristed gherkin shit served at McD's, smothered in mayonnaise and ketchup, and topped with tomato and onion. Stuff this between a sesame seeded bun, and bingo, boiger heaven! The fries were firm and crisp and the Coke cold, Burger King I salute you!!!!

So stick to your celery and chick peas, you Guardian reading, interfeering busy body communists, because when it comes to this beast, you will never be "Man Enough!"

Check this out..

Me and G spot were in the boozer on Friday talking shite, when the subject of the "Mad Monk of Bradford" came up. We wondered how old he was, his name, where he got to and shite. Well G-spot went home and googled mad monk bradford and he found this blog dedicated to him at http://bradfordmonk.blogspot.com/. Check it out.

Oktoberfest Ahoy!

Numbers have been confirmed, and next year the bender squad will finally achieve its most precious pilgrimage by visiting the Munich Oktoberfest for Euros 40th birthday. The hotel is booked, anyone wishing to view where we will be sleeping off our excesses click here; http://www.hotel-montree.de/

There is still time to book more places, but I will only be able to get singles or doubles. Also, anyone who needs to drop out, please notify me as soon as possible, so I can cancel rooms or find replacements. Danke Schoen.

Titanic struggle results in stalemate

The weekly face off down the wood finished in stalemate last night, The match was played in a surprisingly good natured manner, funkys tantrums not withstanding, and the draw was on reflection probably a fair result. The only worry for the elite is a back injury sustained by Lobon. Next weeks line ups are not yet confirmed, as holidays and work shifts have yet to be confirmed. Standout performance was from Shouty, who yet again gave every last drop in the good cause, and chimed in with a plethora of well executed goals. He even rose above the extreme provocation from Funkys dastardly attempts to inflict injury.

You Decide.....

After a long day out earning a crust, I came home to check on my e-mails and noticed I had received a post from evil Tescoholic Jamon. After the recent fall out over the picture of my erstwhile mate in a compromising position with members of the same sex, admittedly doctored by myself, which I removed and apologised for, I mistakenly believed the hatchet had been buried. More fool me! In this electronic mail I discovered my soon to be mortal nemesis had spent another afternoon of his company's time compiling pictures of various inbreds, and purporting them to be members of my family and friends in Tiffin, Ohio, USA. I would perhaps have been more amused, had this blatant lie not been perpetrated by someone who did not hail from the European capital of keeping it in the family, Wilsden, a small Roysten Vasey-esc, village on the out skirts of Bradford, England. The only people not partaking in incest in this weird little borough, are out on the Moors wearing Wellies and tailing sheep. So to settle this argument once and for all I am running another poll to determine the which to is the biggest backwater. And before that big puff Jamon starts bleating about no longer residing there, I quote, "You can take the boy out of Wilsden, but you can't take the Wilsden out of the boy."
WILSDEN

TIFFIN


Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?

Must be a Huddersfield Town fan

There are few things thicker than a Huddersfield Town fan. One of them is a female Huddersfield Town fan.

At least I think it's a woman.....

Are you man enough?

The yogurt munching health fascists have got their knickers in a twist over the new 923 calorie Double Whopper from Burger King, see http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?view=DETAILS&grid=&xml=/health/2006/11/06/nburger06.xml It seems the company's "Are you man enough?" advertising campaign is going to cause all us weak minded impressionable fellas to go out and gorge ourselves to death on these over sized Goliaths. Well let me tell you something you poncy tofu munching do gooding liberal wankers, the only reason I am going to have a try of this artery clogging beast is because of your po faced protests. Who the fuck do these people think they are? If I want to stuff a half pound of dead animal carcass down my throat what business is it of theirs? None. Now they have made social pariahs of smokers, it appears tasty food is next on the agenda. Or is it?

Even more worryingly alcohol appears to be under threat from "those who know best." Well let me put something straight right here and now. Binge drinking is great. I love to drink as much beer as possible on an empty stomach, until in fact I can't pour anymore down my gullet. Then I like to move on to whiskey, single malt of course, until I wobble of home to pass out on the living room floor. This is pretty much par for the course when the lads and lasses get together. It has been for over 20 years now, and there hasn't been one casualty. But now health ministers want to tax it out of existence. How surprising, we're taxed out our arse's on everything else. I don't see what the problem is, maybe if they partook they wouldn't have to pay rent boys for sex or interbreed. Even young Ewan Blair likes to get wankered now and again, and who can blame him with parents like that. Lets not forget Prince Harry, god bless him, pissed up with a cigarette in a Nazi uniform. That's what I call a role model. If they really wanted to cut down on anti social behaviour what they need to do is round up all the benefit claiming, free loading, track suit wearing scum they seem so fond of saving, and send them to Iraq. I'll tell you, support for the war would go through the roof!

So to all you blue sky thinking, diversity loving piss flaps, FUCK OFF!

Short, Fat, Pissed and Proud!

Wall-Mart invades South Park

Guess which one is like Jamon.

Back to the Kitchen

Brother Lobon has risen to the challenge in the annual football fantasy league and banished Sammy J back to the kitchen! Hurrah!!!!!

How many people does it take to change a kitchen light bulb?????

None. Let the bitch cook in the dark!

May the force be with you

After last Wednesdays fiasco, a change of personnel has been agreed. I am your father Luke, bolstered by his last place finish in the JMF gaylord poll, has requested to play for the female loving Elite. Unfortunately, and rather bravely, Young Gaz has agreed to join the fruity scoundrels of the JMF. This is by no means a permanent change, but with JohnnyWest away in the Maldives, and Dead Eye nursing an injured foot, it may be wise in the interest of keeping the game competitive.

Rampant JMF bugger Elite by 16

A bag of shite Elite lost by 16.

The Results are in, and the Winner is...............

Over the last few months you have been asked to cast your vote to determine which queer boy faggot on the evil JMF deserved to be known as "The biggest Gaylord". Well the time has come to reveal the answer. But first a quick recap. From the outset their were three clear favourites, Jamon, Funky and King Dave who were soon to pull away from rank outsiders Dead Eye and I am your father Luke. The major talking point however was how well known light bulb botherer Funky failed to keep pace with Jamon and the King, leaving a two horse race to compete over the closing two weeks. Up until as recently as lunchtime on the 31/10/06 it looked as if King Dave would pip longtime leader and odds on favourite Jamon to the post but it was to be in vain as I can reveal the final vote:

Who is the biggest gaylord on the J.M.F?
Jamon 43.24%
Funky 10.81%
King Dave 39.19%
I am your father Luke 2.7%
Dead Eye Phil 4.05%

Total votes : 74

Congratulations Jamon!!!!!!!!

Don't be Bradford City on FM06

Lobons German love child throws an epic "Mick"

Down to the Wire

Only 26 hours remain in the great JMF Gaylord vote, and what a final day we have in prospect. A hectic day of voting has seen the lead change several times as the voting public rush to register their vote in time. After assuming the lead early in the afternoon, King Daves supporters have pulled it back to neck and neck in the polls. Jamon or King? The choice is yours! Who is the biggest Gaylord on the J.M.F?

Sammy J on her hen night

 

It would appear Sammy J took inspiration from soon to be hubby Shouty when she ventured out on her hen night. Don't know about you but them tights look mucky,laddered and stained to me! 

I DON'T F%$KING BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!

Those evil mother fuckers at Tesco's are advertising on my site!!!!!!!! Bastards!!!!!!!!!

Picasa

For anybody wanting to download Picasa please use the white tab on the left with Google Photo Software on it. Please keep checking out the adverts at the top as this helps push the blog up Googles search rankings. Cheers.

Clown Prince Jamon of Gaylord gifts Elite draw

With the clock ticking down and the JMF cruising to a shock three goal victory, team captain Jamon, in an epic display of goalkeeping ineptitude, tossed the Elite a draw on Wednesday night. What would have been one of the greatest comebacks of all time was carelessly tossed away by the king of ass crack. As his team mates looked on in horrified disbelief, he threw the ball to Clogs not once, not twice, but three times in the space of thirty seconds to see a three goal cushion evaporate, and hand the Elite a draw just as time expired. His shell shocked comrades trooped of the court only to find the cock crazy buffoon then launch into a tirade blaming them for throwing away what seemed a certain victory! How this will affect team morale over the coming weeks remains to seen, but in the mean time, myself and the remainder of the Elite will relish reminding Mrs MoFo of his hippopotamus like reflexes.

He's Tall, He's White, in Goals he's very Shite.........Jamon.....Jamon! 

Drunk

Have been drunk since Thursday, will update tomorrow. Thank god for spell check.

ONLY FIVE DAYS LEFT

The vote to find the "Biggest Gaylord on the JMF" has entered its last week, and with only five days left, it appears to be coming down to a straight slap fight between the King and Jamon. Only yesterday, Jamons seemingly invincible pole position was briefly cut to nothing as the King drew level for the first time. Your vote WILL make a difference! Closing date midnight 31/10/06.

Who is the biggest gaylord on the J.M.F?

November Bantams bender change of game

Big Al didn't book his flight in time, and won't be in the country till the 23/11/06, missing the Oldham Athletic game. So instead of crossing the Penines, I would like to propose the Brighton game at Valley Parade on the 4/11/06. It may be the smarter move, and will be cheaper, remembering Xmas is only round the corner. Which brings me onto our own Bender Squad Chrimbo bash. My suggestion is a daytime session round Skipton, moving onto either Keighley, Bingley or Bradford afterwards. The date I'am putting forward is the 16/12/06, although it can be earlier to avoid any work shindigs. Comments please.

How can this be?

In the annual bender squad fantasy football league, the unthinkable is happening. A female is winning!!! Sammy J has opened an 11 point lead over brother Lobon, but even more unbelievably has a massive 85 point lead over her concubine Shouty, and the most manly of men and hero to all, European Bri. She has done this with no transfers, and a team that includes Jason Roberts (?) and a just returning to fitness Joe Cole. This woman MUST BE STOPPED!!!! The repercussions would shake the bender squad to its very foundations!! Next thing you know the nefarious M.R.S will be demanding to come on Stag nights, and leaving us at home to look after the kids while they traipse around the continent watching football and swigging the local beers. This may just be the thin end of the edge. For myself and Shouty it may be too late to prevent the unthinkable, so my call goes out to those members left in the race. Our future rests upon your shoulders. Go forth my sons , and extinguish this threat to our very manhood. May God be with you.

Tescoization of the UK continues

The Times
April 26, 2006
How Tesco will crumble and fallMagnus Linklater
The size and speed of the superstore’s growth may contain the seeds of its destruction
I DON’T KNOW whether Tom Douglas managed to get 1,000 people into the Volunteer Hall last night. He needed that number to mount a convincing protest against the new Tesco superstore, which he is convinced is about to wreck Galashiels. At the last count, he had about 600 lined up, which wasn’t quite enough.
The demonstration he has organised is an eleventh-hour stand and, if it fails, this ancient Borders town will lose its Victorian heritage — the red-sandstoned College of Textiles, with its neo-Classical portico and its fine marbled pillars, the Lochcarron mill, whose old water wheel is the only one still working in the area, the burgh yard, where half a dozen small businesses still operate, the streets that link the town to its industrial past — all to be sacrificed to the onward march of the most powerful retail chain in the land.
For Tesco, Galashiels is little more than a blip on the graph of its soaring profits. The extraordinary expansion of its empire, which yesterday disclosed annual profits of £2.25 billion, will not be deflected by the opposition of one small town. In any event, it has no intention of losing. The land has been bought, the council has given its backing, the planning system is sewn up, and a sophisticated marketing operation has gathered local support among the residents. In the words of Hilaire Belloc: “The stocks were sold, the Press was squared, the Middle Class was quite prepared.” Because Tesco has resources and experience that far outweigh anything its opponents can drum up, it is not often stopped in its tracks.
And yet the Tesco effect, with its all-embracing culture of cheap food and wider choice, poses a greater threat to the economies of local communities than any single commercial development of recent times. Whenever it moves in on small towns, the life-blood is steadily drained from their high streets, small businesses are undermined and the network of local suppliers and traders on which communities depend is broken.
Yet most local authorities lean over backwards to give Tesco the planning approval it needs, believing that the arrival of one of its stores enhances the standing of a town and meets the needs of its residents. Tesco smooths the path by offering small “planning gains” — a new road, a refurbished depot, a car park — in return for development approval. Once installed, however, it is omnivorous.
Over the years it has grown from being a simple, if enormous, grocer, into selling over-the-counter medicines, providing finance and banking services, running post offices and garages, selling clothing and hi-tech equipment, always undercutting the opposition. If there is a vacuum to fill, it will fill it. In Inverness, for instance, it already has three superstores, but that, it seems, is not enough. Tesco has plans for a fourth. Locals have nicknamed the town “Tescopolis”.
Not only is Tesco a property owner of formidable dimensions, it has acquired a databank that allows it to map the profile of its shoppers and predict their needs to an extent that few of them even guess at. Known as Crucible, and operated by a Tesco subsidiary, it collates information on every household, either through its own club card or through swapping information with other consumer groups, such as Sky, Orange and Gillette. It tracks the personality, travel habits and shopping preferences of its customers, actual and prospective. It can offer a profile of their lifestyle, which charity they support, whether they are occasional or habitual shoppers and even how ecofriendly they are.
This will position it well for its next big move — into the healthcare world. It sees the White Paper on health services, with its proposals for “surgery in the community”, as offering a new area for expansion. This time, it is the Government rather than local councils that is offering encouragement. Patricia Hewitt, the Health Secretary, believes that retailers such as Tesco and Boots could run GP surgeries, thus taking the pressure off hospitals. Because the stores are open late at night, patients would be able to see a doctor without taking time off work. They have space to house surgeries; they could even employ their own doctors and nurses; and of course they already have in-store pharmacies. What this would do to local GP practices remains to be seen.
All this suggests that Tesco is unstoppable. And yet, like the alien invader in The War of the Worlds, its very size and the speed of its expansion may contain the seeds of its own demise. Consumers do not, in the end, take kindly to an overweening monopoly, especially when it squeezes out competition and dictates its own terms. In towns that face the massive intrusion of new superstores, opposition is mounting. A network of websites offers hostile evidence about Tesco’s tactics, its methods and its ambitions.
Aware of this mounting criticism, giants such as Wal-Mart in America have begun shoring up their defences — they are training rival businesses to offer greater competition; in Britain, Asda, Wal-Mart’s subsidiary, intends to offer loyalty cards that encourage customers to shop at other local stores. This may sound a bit like the mugger who offers his victim a course in self-defence, but it is evidence that these retailers at least are aware of the danger of unfettered expansion.
Tesco is a formidable enterprise. But if it continues to ride roughshod over all opposition, to stifle competition, and to ignore the sensitivities of long-established communities, then, like so many imperial dynasties of the past, it too will crumble and fall.

Munich Oktoberfest 2007

The time has come to start preparations for the 2007 Munich Oktoberfest excursion. Everybody seems pretty much up for it and I will be booking the hotel at the end of October. Le Grande Buffoon 2006, John the Don will be travelling, but it would appear the 2005 vintage, Jamon, will be unable to attend due to the discovery of his escape tunnel by CD. Apart from the Don, a strong showing is expected from Funky,Helmet, Dangerous and Shouty. Dark horses European, The Boy and Mad Ad will also no doubt be in the running, as this would appear to be the only foreign jaunt of 2007, barring any surprise stag nights or lottery wins.