Burnt to a Crisp

They say the sun shines at least once on every rent boys rump, and today, the JMF keisters must be burnt to a crisp. A combination of hithero unseen scoring prowess, defensive fortitude and massive ineptness by the Righteous Euro boys resulted in the most freakish result in the history of freakish results. The MoFo won by a margin so vast, that I cannot even remember the final tally. To compound the avalanche of goals scored by the cock munchers, was our polar opposite approach to the art of scoring. In 50 minutes we managed to find the onion bag only twice. A scruffy toe poke from Shouty, and rag tag rebound from Euro were all that we had to show for our efforts. To shed some light on the final total, our second second goal made it 17-2. I reckon they probably got another five, at a minimum, so I shall let you do the maths. What more can I say? Will we play this badly again? More than likely, but not for a while.. Will they play this well again? Doubtful, but you can never be sure. Will this result have any bearing at the end of the year? No.

JMF- Dead Eye, Luklear War, Dr Shotgun, Crespo and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Big Phil

2010 Season

JMF wins - 15

Euro Elite - 22


Draws - 0

Sounds Wrong.....

....but tastes so right. Lambic beers is what I am pondering, in particular the Kriek (Cherry) and the Framboise (Raspberry) I also like the Gueuze, which has a cidery taste. I haven't yet tried the Peche (peach) style, although if the other two are anything to go by, I reckon on a taste sensation. Even non beer lovers, ie women, go crazy for the insane yumminess of these brews, as witnessed by self, when the Elster, who loathes both beer and cherries, was astonished to find herself falling in love with the taste of fruity ale. Now these are no alcho pops either, they are not diabetes inducing sugary, but both tart and sweet at the same time. There is however one catch. Outside of Belgium and Luxembourg it is eye wateringly expensive. For example, on average a case of twenty kriek bottles runs at around £40. I now of a couple of real ale gaffes that sell it by the pint (although it is supposed to be drunk out of a Champagne style flute) for around £4. So there is only one thing for it. Anyone fancy a beer run to Belgium??

It's All so Quiet

This is the first Buffoon update in quite a while, and with good reason. There ain't been none going down. The reasons? A Quintet of heavy weight muppets have recently been saddled with a heap of responsibility that was bound to curtail their idiot tendencies. Helmet and Crespo have recently been the recipient of beautiful baby girls. Along side this, Trigger, Mad Ad and Funky have imminent arrivals of their own. As you can see, that's a lot of stupidity that's been side lined. Combine this with Shoutys continued lack of funds, and we are currently faced with the biggest Buffoon drought since records began. Funky has earned himself a ten pointer, that cannot be fully reported at the moment, but this maximum score has come far too late in the day to make any real impact, as the race draws to a close at the end of October, Crespo also scored a brace for thinking Tiverton was twinned with Wilsden, but with Triggers huge advantage from his German exploits, it appears the race is all but over.....

Updated Buffoon Standings

1. Trigger 50 points
2. Child Catcher 28 points
3. Euro Bri 26 points
   
4. El Grande Queso 21 points
5. Crespo 15 points
6. Shouty 10 points
7. Funky Messiah 10 points
   
8. Big JohnnyM 6 points
   
9. Gareeeeeee 4 points
10. Tony Helmet 4 points
    
11. Sprocket 3 points
12. Dr Shotgun 3 points
    
13. Mikey D 3 Points
14. John the Don 3 points
15. Dessi 2 points
    
16. San 1 Point
17. Major 1 point

Killer Keisters

This post is on time this week, as I am actually going out with Gevvers and co tomorrow night, round Wibsey, for what seems like the first time in ages. So I thought Ibest get my ass in gear. This week I am reaching back through the sands of time to 1985, and the cover of a well known best seller of the time called "Riders." No I have no idea what the book was about (apart from something to do with horses, which is pretty obvious, as you can see) but the cover featured the most magnificent of keisters, clad in virgin white, skin tight jodhpurs. As a healthy 16 year old, it framed many a hand shandy. To this day, I swear it is responsible for Lobon's jodhpurs fetish, and who the Hell can blame him? Sadly in real life, it is all too rare that you actually get stuck behind a horse carrying as blessed a rider. It's usually some broad arsed horsey type, with a horse shit stuck to her pants.

Ray of Hope?

That is what the evil JMF were hoping for when for the first time since early June, we were forced to draft in a replacement for the injured Two Scoops. Yes, admittedly, Crespo was an excellent substitute to call on, but would our seamless playing style be thrown off by the introduction of an unfamiliar part? The answer, if you are a MoFo fan, is sadly no. He took a little bedding in, but the JMF refusal to mark Clogs proved ultimately to be their undoing. Once again we got off to a bit of a flyer, but the jizz jockeys hung in, and but for some outstanding keeping could have forced a closer game. The fact that Crespo, not usually known for his reflexes between the sticks, was the main tormentor. Chance after chance was spurned, which lead, in the end, to a fairly routine win. Special mention goes out to the Mercenary, who scored a couple of pearlers from distance, and Jamon, who following on from King Dave's example of the previous week, actually saved a shot with his hands. The mind boggles... So with leaves starting to turn, and about 13 games left in the 2010 campaign, the Righteous Euro boys find themselves with a healthy 8 game lead. Could it be all over by Halloween?

JMF- Dead Eye, Luklear War, Dr Shotgun, King Dave and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Crespo

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 22


Draws - 0

Apples and Pears, Innit?

As I believe the locals speak. What am I on about? A Bneder no less, around the our fair Capitol city of London. The Date? 29/01/11 till the 30/01/11. Occasion? Crespo turns 30. Now I know a few of you are thinking "Hang on a tick, aren't we going to the Oktoberfest for that?" and you would be kind of right. It's kind of complicated, but what the hey, are you really that bothered that we are having not one, but two shindigs? Thought not. The plan? Down to the smoke on Saturday morning, back on Sunday night. Simple. I would, however, recommend that you book Monday off work. After all, we don't want anybody having to Highland Fling in bob an' dick, now do we?

Fortune, Bantams, Lions, Gills and Cod

Catch up time. The Bantams, after what was yet another snore fest, came up trumps in the dying seconds to beat the Gills 1-0. I would at this point love to illustrate with words the winning goal, but Crespo dragged us out of the ground early, and we were just leaving the Carlsberg stand when it went in. Nice one Kev. The first half was as dull as dish water, but then second started out promisingly. Some nice passing and movement still made no head way against a dire Gillingham side, and a strange substitution by Taylor seemed to take the wind out of the Claret and Amber sails, We left as the game looked to be winding down to an inevitable draw, but it was nice Williams scored, as it was agreed between myself, Crespo and The Apostles, that he had been the stand out performer of the day. As for the pies. Still boycotting. Tried a packet of McCoys Grilled Steak crisps, which were good (as crisps go) but cost a staggering £1. I checked at the local shop, and there they are priced at 60p. Pants down indeed.



Kev Watch- A bit whiny if I am honest, but considering the standard of play understandable. Like City started off well in the second period, but there was to be no winner from the lanky pretty boy, as he made us miss the game winner. 4/10

Next up, we cross the North Sea, into Deutcshland, were der Lowen were the guests of Fortuna Dusseldorf, a fixture we attended last season. In April, the home side were good value for their 2-0 win, and to be honest, I expected a similar result this time around. So imagine my surprise, as the boys in blue pulled off a 2-1 victory. A goal down at the break, goals from Rackic and Buck sealed an impressive win for the Lions. Tomorrow night they have a chance to go sixth, as they are hosting FC Erzgebirge Aue, who are two points ahead of them.

And the cod. It is short for Call Of Duty, which ambushed all my good intentions for posting last night, as I got on a rare run of victories. Which doesn't happen often, as I am made mince neat of by a bunch of dole dossers and ten year olds.

A Pod of Pelicans

That's what waylaid my postings last night. The Pelicans in question being the French variety, found on the labels attached to bottles of Pelforth Blonde, a very pleasant 5.2% Pilsner from the the French town of Mons-en-Barœul, near Lille. It is much nicer than Kronenbourg, but induced a middle aged nap upon the middle aged Euro Bri, who did not rouse himself till this morning. It seems a long time since I could go all night....

Killer Keisters

This weeks Keister belongs to the marvellously named Hanna Verboom from Holland. Whooooooo????? I hear you enquire. She was the female love interest in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo, which I just happened to catch on Comedy Central the other night. It was what you'd expect, plot wise from a Rob Schnieder movie, but I have to admit pausing and rewinding the scene below several times on the old V+;



Watching it on a small computer screen does not do her magnificent arse the true justice of a wide screen 40 incher, in hi-def no less, so try and catch it next time it is on, which according to the laws of Satellite TV stations seems to be every other hour. Of course a scene like this could only happen in the make believe world of cinema. As if anyone in their right mind would scarper when given the big come hither look Miss Verboom gives the hero of the film. You'd be balls deep in double quick time....

Righteous Keep Rolling

Why the delay in this weeks report? Was I waylaid by a flock of Pelicans? Perhaps a tad, but the search of suitable superlatives was the more of a hindrance to a prompt posting. So I will keep it simple. We were FUCKING BRILLIANT!!! For weeks we have to endure the excuses. "You have given us duff players. You play together all the time. We were up all night bumming each other." But these lame excuses have now been put to bed (apart from the last one) They gay lords were more than happy with their allotted subs, Dr Shotgun and Crespo before kick off. So happy, that a deluded Jamon even went as far as to practically guarantee a rout. Then we kicked off, and from the off it was clear that only one team would prevail. You could visibly see their confidence drain as we raced to what proved an unassailable lead. You couldn't fault the effort shown by the ladies in red, the the white tide could not be stemmed. We were that good, that I can not for once single out any one member as being above the others, as it was a complete team effort. Highlight for the turd burglars? King Dave actually saved a shot with his hands. The question is "Is that it?" The MoFo looked as spent a a Catholic priest at Boy Scout jamboree. As the nights begin to draw in, the lead stands at seven, and it is looking Rosy for the Righteous.

JMF- Dead Eye, Crespo, Dr Shotgun, King Dave and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 21


Draws - 0

Wrist Band Around the World

You may have noticed that there are a few W'band shots in my recent posts. As usual, I have now uploaded them all to official gallery in the top left hand corner. Feel free to peruse at your leisure, as my self, Elster and the the Band on it's own are modelled against a back drop of famous, and not so famous landmarks,



For those of you who are idiots, this is one in front of the Mannekin Pis (Pissing Boy) statue in Brussels. No I do not know why there is also a lesbian in the picture either.


Dunkrik beach. Note the extremely cool trainers.

Outside the Cloth Hall in Ypres. I have even corralled the Elster into this nonsense.

Hitching a ride in Bastogne, Belgium, at McAuliffe Square.

Set against the Hotel de Ville belfry, in Arras, northern France.

The shots in earlier posts are with a beer in the Grand Place, Brussels, and in a shopping mall bar on the outskirts of Wiltz, in Luxembourg, along with a receipt for a beer that cost only €2.80, which is almost unheard of in Western Europe. If the link at the top of the site doesn't work, click here.

Holy Shit!

Belgian beer tasting is a fine way to spend an afternoon. Although on a Sunday with Shouty, may not have been the wisest day to pick. But what ya gonna do? It was sunny, everyone was off, and I had a fridge full (and garage full) of Belgian, French and even Luxembourger beers. With most folk working the next day, it was a a very laid back affair. Until there was only me and Shouty left, along with a six bottle case of Trappist beers. There are only seven beers that can be called Authentic Trappist, as they have to be brewed within the walls of a Trappist monastery, and it just so happens six of 'em are in Belgium. And we had a bottle from everyone. Now bear in mind, that we had already chugged our way through several strong beers, (Duvel, Chouffe, Kwak, and Chimay Rouge) before we started on these, which in all fairness may not have been the most sensible of things to do, as the weakest offering weighed in at 6% (Orval) and peaked at 9.2% (Rochefort). It brought the night to a hazy end for moi, although the Shoutster took himself off to the Black Bull for a night cap before going home. That's what makes him the drinking Champion of Europe I suppose. All I know was that I was roused the next morning by my gaffer texting me to get out of bed, before undertaking one of the longer days of my life. You'd think at 42 I would have learned by now......

FraBelLux

I know it's over a week since I have been back, but it has been a hectic time since I got back, culminating in a Belgian beer tasting session on my deck on Sunday, as out lined above. So what of my brief road trip around France, Belgium and Luxembourg? Read on for a brief report of me and the Elsters travels.

France
Our first and last port of call. On arrival we headed for Malo-les-Bains, the sight of the Dunkirk evacuation of the Second World War. The reason? Because the Elster's late Grandfather had often told her tales of his own escape from these beaches during the afore mentioned race to escape the on rushing Nazis. There was only one problem. He was never there. The Scally Wag had made it all up, as Elster discovered when investigating his army record. C'est la vie, as the locals would say. She also upset a loo attendant by taking more than three sheets of bog roll. The French are an odd lot on occasion. Our overnight stay in Arras, on the way back was much more fun. A nice evening dinner on the square, followed by a walk round the local fair, followed by a few beers in a French Irish bar. Next day we stopped at Vimy Ridge, site of the Canadian War Memorial, where they have left the terrain just as it was in 1917. A very moving place. After that it was back to reality, via the Euro Tunnel.

Belgium
On to the Belgian Beer festival, via Ypres, to pay my respects to my Great grandfathers, who were killed in action during the fighting of 1917. Both the Menin gate, and the grave yards are emotional places. Still, we were after fun and it was on to the Belgian capital. I had booked us in too a swish hotel, L'Amigo, just off the Grand Place. It was well swanky, valet parking (the guy parking our beat up old Zafira did it without any sign of disdain) but it was the Bell hop whom impressed the most. He even managed to tell us that they offered room service and breakfast in bed, in a most suggestive way. I do think I over tipped him with a €10 note however. I have all ready posted what happened the rest of the day/evening (apart from the meat balls I scarfed down at dinner, more of which in a later posting) and the Waffles the next morning were sublime. By this time I had also acquired plenty of beers for the beer tasting session mentioned above, and I was still to get more, as we headed south to Bastogne, the scene of the fiercest fighting during the Battle of the Bulge. A nice little town, with a supermarket, at which I stocked up on more beer. From here it was into .....

Luxembourg
Even if it was only briefly, in a "Just to say I have been there" kind of way, although Crespo did tell me they had cheap petrol. He was right. We headed into the town of Wiltz. Which was dead, even for a Sunday afternoon. I saw one person, and he looked half a sleep. Where the chuff was everyone? At a shopping mall on the outskirts of town, was where. It had an H&M, which made the Elster happy. It also had a bar, Which sold pints of Luxembourger beer. For €2.80. This made me extremely happy. Till I realised I had an hours drive ahead of me, and was rationed to a single brewski. Still, it had a supermarket, so I got some more beers. If the rest of the Grand Duchy is a cheap as it was round Wiltz, I will be proposing a Bender in the not too distant future..

So that's my late summer jaunt round FraBelLux. If you care to see what we got up to, follow this link. If not, I don't blame you. The Elster must have some Japanese blood in her, as she gets a bit snap happy when in possession of a camera.

Killer Keisters

This week, I pay homage to probably the finest keister of the past twenty years. The curves in question belong to the one and only Kylie Minouge. Even back in the day, when she was the rag tag Tom Boy Charlene in Neighbours, one could see the potential lurking in those dungarees. The peak of her posteriors powers came in 2000, with the video for "Spinning Around" with her keister gloriously covered in the hottest of hot pants.


The world went crazy for Kylie all over again, and it wasn't just hot blooded males who proved unable to cast off her spell. No, even inanimate stuffed animals got all hot and bothered in the presence of "La Minouge".....

Talisman Returns

After three weeks away, the JMF talisman, Dead Eye returned. Also making a comeback was King Dave, absent for a fortnight. And in place of the again injured Funky, Dr Shotgun, who blew the dust of his boots after missing for months (apart from a brief cameo a couple of weeks back). But would it be enough to propel the Arse Sniffers to their first win in weeks? After a whirlwind ten minutes it appeared they would. Dead Eye found his rhythm straight off the bat, and it proved infectious to the rest of the MoFo. Jamon and King Dave followed suit, the former even packing away his trusty toe and curling one in with his instep. Hell, even the Shotgun found his range, and we were looking down the proverbial barrel, as the fudge packers raced to a five goal lead.

Now at this point, for all you testosterone challenged followers, it turns a little sour. No longer are the Righteous Euro Boys a team that folds. They say that winning breeds confidence, and at no juncture of the game did the lads in white panic, fall out or contemplate defeat. Slowly, for sure, we began to play to the standard that we had set over the previous months, and inch by inch we clawed our way back into the game, and as the time ticked down, the final result became inevitable. The lack of match action took it's toll, and Clogs made them pay. It was a great team effort, considering the hole we dug for ourselves, and that Shouty had forgotten his contacts, and with Autumn on the doorstep, our six game advantage is looking more than a little healthy.

JMF- Funky, Crespo, Dr Shotgun, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 20


Draws - 0

Belgian Beer Festival Report

Lads. I have just completed my mission to reconnoitre the Belgian beer festival, and assess it's feasibility as a future venue worthy of a visit from the infamous Bender Squad. I have broken down my findings into sections, and rate them as at the end as a pro, or a con.

Location- A one hour flight from Manchester, a five hour train ride from Leeds, or in the case of Volcanic ash, a seven hour drive, all of which are more than satisfactory. Never mind Brussles, the square it is held in just may be the loveliest of squares in Europe. The festival is sectioned off, but surrounding it are numerous bars with outdoor decking, which also gives you the feeling of being a part of it, even if you fail to gain entry. They also provide excellent drinking opportunities once the beer stops flowing at around 8pm. Off down the side alleys are still more ale dens, that also have special offers, and are a good price. Beware, unless you are Crespo or Shouty, of the one alley running off to the left. You know why... PRO



Beer- The festival itself boasts over 600 different brews, and the local bars are not far behind. Apart from the well known brands, there are cherry and raspberry flavours. Wheat beers served in a bewildering array of glasses, and one called Kwak, which is quaffed from vessel shaped not unlike a miniature yard of ale. And let's not forget those universal names served throughout the world. All available in ginormous 75cl glasses. Two extra large Leffes, and the world is a slightly fuzzier place, for sure. This my friends, is the true beer shangri-la, never mind Germany (Although the Oktoberfest is more fun.)..... PRO

Price- Getting there is cheap enough, I reckon on the train you could get a return ticket for not much more than £120 if you got in quick enough. Accommodation is the same as most places. You get what you pay for, and you can spend as much, or as little as you want. I figure you could get a double for around £80 each for three nights. The beer, as you might expect in the Euro zone, is not cheap. Nor is it ridiculously priced either. For an extra large Jupilier, it was €8, the equivalent of one and a third pints for £6.50. And this is at one of the places right on the Grand Place, so you would expect to pay a premium. Other places off the square were at least a Euro cheaper. The main fly in the ointment is the token scheme in the beer-fest. Beyond the barriers, the only currency accepted is tokens, and the queue to get them was horrendous. So bad that I didn't bother in the end up, as I'd rather spend more time drinking than lining up. Still, if you got there at opening time, 11am, or even earlier, and coughed up for enough tokens, it should see you through the day. It is however a definite CON if you are going solely for the festival. It is turned to a PRO however, by the fact that you don't really need to go in to it to enjoy the whole vibe. PRO

So there it is, a resounding PRO on all counts. Next year is all ready booked up at that time of year, but I would with out hesitation recommend the city of Brussels as a sure fire Bender destination.

How Much money do they want?

Back from another successful European jaunt, and am ready to update and give my thoughts later. After the Switzerland game perhaps, of which the Major has blagged tickets for, the lucky blighter. He is particularly as the only place to watch the game in England is on pay TV, namely Sky Sports. On the only night I cannot go to the pub due to looking after kids. Now I have no issue with Sky charging to watch the Premier League, and all other forms of football, but the national team should be for the nation, and free to air, every time, all the time. But it appears the Swiss FA are all to willing to accept the millions that Murdoch's men are ready to pay, and sadly, that seems to be the way of the world. So tonight I shall be attempting to watch the game a la the Likely Lads, and trying to avoid the score till I can see it on the highlights later.

Who Can Tell??

I have a bit of time on my hands today, before taking off to Europe, so I have decided to take the plunge and joined Twitter. I believe in the tech vernacular it is called following someone, so you can now follow me at http://twitter.com/europeanbri. Now I expect you all know as well as I, that my chronic bone idleness means this will more than likely prove to be a short lived affair, but who can tell? I may prove to some kind of autistic style genius when it comes to mini musings on the Internet. Or more than likely just autistic. Only time will tell.

A Break with Tradition

Or a reconnaissance mission, depending on your disposition. There were plans afoot earlier in the year for this to be a full blown Bender mission, but a mini baby boom, combined with the on going economic woes of various Squad members, means I am going to the 12th annual Belgian Beer festival, not with a bunch of hairy arsed beer drinkers, but the Elster, who thakfully has a posterior that is follicle free. There of course has been some compromise. I am legally bound to only get fresh, and we will only be spending one night in Brussels, before going for a romantic day in France. Still, it beats drinking Carling in the Villager, no offence to Andy, or his marvellous staff. So I am mere hours for taking off to the Comtinent, and will hopefully post some stuff whilst there.

Killer Keisters

A bonus Keister this week, not just a photo, but a film clip. And a very well known advert, especially for those of you who watch to much day time telly, for some slimming aid. It features a well built bird shaking a well built ass. I particularly like this one, as it features a female that you could actually see yourself scoring with, and with a smidgen of luck, resting your balls upon her fine buttocks. Nice.

Lame Excuse

After weeks of being demolished, the JMF finally got their fingers, thumbs and knobs out of each others arses, and put up a strong performance on Wednesday night down the Wood. They even managed to take a lead, albeit briefly late in the game, but were eventually undone by a late injury. The MoFo welcomed back Funky, after a long lay off with a pulled sphincter, and with Crespo coming in for an absent Dead Eye and Bug JohnnyM for King Dave, who was at a rent boy convention, so the usual call of an inferior line up can not be used on this occasion. Two Scoops was in ebullient form from the off, as he harried and chased down the female shy JMF, and between himself and Clogs, ensured an early lead. The MoFo hung tough for a change, and luck seemed to be smiling upon them, as jamon managed to score a miracle goal. The miracle being he didn't use his big toe. With his eyes firmly closed, and facing totally the wrong way, he swivelled through 360 degrees, and fired into the far corner from a nigh on impossible angle. As the saying goes, the sun shines on every dogs backside now and again. This still seemed as it would have no bearing on the result, as the Righteous lead was comfortable, but a combination of loose finishing and show boating let the spunk buckets back in, and amazingly they took the lead. For about a minute. The missing malaise was put behind us, and at the bell we had prevailed by a goal. But there was a further ten minutes to add on, as the guy at the desk made us pay before playing, so we were entitled to play on. This raised the JMF's hopes, but they were almost immediately dashed, as Funky came up lame with a pulled vagina. Myself and Two Scoops were in no mood to show sympathy, and snuffed out the Gaylord challenge with a flurry of goals. Next week, Funkys Pussy strain withstanding, should see the correct teams turnout.

JMF- Funky, Crespo, Big JohnnyM, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 19


Draws - 0

Lions Roar at Home

If the Bantams plight is begining to look a bit ominous, at least the lads in blau und weiss provided a tonic over the weekend. The boys saw off Osnabruk 3:1, in front of just over 21,000 on Sunday. New signing Rakic bagged a brace, a good sign as we have been far to reiant on Beeny for the last few seasons. The second round of the DfB Cup has been drawn as well, a tough away game at Koln in October, which will more than likely leave Der Lowen free to concentrate on the league for the rest of the season. Next up Duisberg away.

Bantams 0 Shrimpers 2

Apologies for the delay to this post, but I have just about come out of the coma induced by this tedious game. It was shite.

Pie Rating- As if the game was not bad enough, there was even more bad news. The pies have been changed. last seasons were pretty good, and I had high hopes for the beginning of the season (much as I did for the football side of things), but was amazed to find that what was put in front of me was wrapped in celephain. This, as any motorway traveller will attest, is a sure fire sign of blandness. Luke warm, crumbly pastry and meagre filling, all for £2.60. It was ghastly, and ranks right up, or down, there with the awful offerings at Elland Road, who also wrap their savouries in clear plastic. So it looks like I will be shedding the pounds this season, between my pie avoidance and the steep incline of steps to my seat. I will be as thin as Kate Moss in no time. Or maybe not. Saturday afternoons will be a time of fasting henceforth. Apart from away matches. 0/10

Kev Watch- Driving, and under orders not to stay out late. Gave me a lift home. Still not back to top form however, understandably considering the action, or lack of, on the pitch. See if you can spot him in the photo below. 4/10