Crespo to Bufon!?

After last weeks surprise annihilation, hopes were high that the Righteous Elite could claw back another victory this week. And to be honest it should have been. It was a close game, no doubt, and minus their talisman, Dead Eye, the flow of goals from the trouser chasers of the MoFo was stemmed. Crespo was drafted in for a rare outing on a Wednesday, and was expected to take up the slack, but it was not his shooting boots that came to the rescue. Instead it was hitherto unseen goalkeeping skills that helped the MoFo leave the court with a hard earned draw. His style of keeping is usually to dodge out of the way of any medium strength shot, but tonight he kept a clean sheet not just once, but during both of his stints between the sticks. An event that had never occurred before, and I will be a Dutch uncle if it were to ever happen again. The game itself got off to a hectic start, as the ball flew from end to end, and the goals stacked up for both sides. After a quarter of the game, the pussy shy JMF were a couple of scores up, but were soon pegged back, as King Dave had one of his loose spells in nets, and the lead was wrestled back. We did have a keeping mishap of our own, as the good Doctor made a save from Big Phil, and then contrived to drop the ball in his own net. Still back and forth the game swung, as neither team could open a cushion to to push on for victory. n As Crespo was pulling off his magic at one end, King Dave was earning the JMFs first Magoo award of the year, as he lumped several clear chances over the bar. A scoring burst from late replacement Young Gaz seemed to have earned the Elite the vital victory to keep them in the hunt for 2009, but slack defending saw Luklear War rattle in a brace of equalisers, that more than likely condemned the boys in white to losing their grip on the Wood title, held for the last two years. We will keep up the fight, but four down, with six to play is an awfully tall order.

JMF- Funky, King Magoo, Crespo, Luklear War and Big Phil

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two scoops, Young Gaz, Shouty and Dr Shotgun

2009 Season

JMF wins - 22

Euro Elite - 18

Draws - 4

Fray Bentos-Who made all the Pies

If you are wondering, I am the geezer holding the tyres.

Seeds Have Been Sown

Although not a total washout, not much was agreed, or in fact decided upon, during our supposed "summit" to iron out some cast iron rules and regulations. Meeting in a building that sells beer, whisky, vodka and other assorted inebriants, was perhaps not the greatest of ideas. It all started well enough, it was accepted that Helmet was probably the correct choice as "Le Grande Buffoon 2009" bu the current scoring mechanism was felt to be to dependant on one person, Me. Even though I am Grand Pooba for Life, I conceded a fairer system needed to be put in place. But almost immediately we were side tracked. Firstly Mikey D, on his first outing no less, scored some points. As we discussed the possibility of catching the train up to Carlisle for a City game, he piped up that we could even take our partners with us, so they could do some shopping whilst we were at the match. It seems the whole point of our little drinking club may have passed over his head. Queso was all over his comment, and after a brief vote, three points were awarded. There was no appeal forthcoming. I think I might of scored a point for spitting beer in Helmets eye after he told a funny tale, and I laughed with a mouth full of ale. And this was all before the match.

After the game it was back to the Villager, where we got down to some serious drinking. Only myself and Crespo stuck to the beer, so Queso, Mikey D, Helmet and the King of the Pixies were pissed in double quick time. I have got a feeling Helmet might have earned at least a point for losing at pool, and then somehow blaming Crespo. By this time the Mercenary had joined the ranks, and we at last made some headway. Earlier in the day, the point was made that if we carried on tossing around points like confetti for verbal faux pas, that eventually our nights out would rapidly become silent affairs, with nobdy daring to speakl. So for a slip of the tongue, such as Sandro's "My predicament is Spain" when asked his World Cup prediction, should only be worth a solitary point. The more bold shite as a statement of fact, best illustrated by Shoutys blow job tirade of a couple months back, is more of a five pointer, Gareeee's Ali Dia, stubbornness probably a three. Crespo lobbied for verbals as a separate category, and although a worthy suggestion, it is probably not necessary. At the other end of the scale, our suggestion is that ten points are the maximum score. To garner the "perfect 10" requires an act of monumental numptyness . The diesel in the water tank incident, by John the Don, was cited as the ideal example.

So to recap. We know what is worth a one point, and what is worth ten points. In between 1-10? We couldn't agree, the stumbling block was finding a median example. What is worthy of a five? After several pints an example could not be agreed upon. The Shouty example above is one I have thought of since Saturday night, and has not been been endorsed. So we have a couple of very basic ground rules laid down. I think it might be more constructive if we were to convene on a Sunday afternoon, when we tend to be a bit a less reckless on the sauce, when we know we have work the next day. The other thing that might be worth doing is a buffoon forum, a site were deeds of dumbness can be brought to light, discussed and scored. I am seeing G-Spot this Friday, and shall take guidance from the Squads resident geek.

PS Helmet raised the idea of a cup competition, which isn't a bad idea. He has been tasked with coming up with a viable system of implementing his vision. Scores to date.

1. Gareeeeeee 4 points
2. Mikey D 3 Points
3. San 1 Point

Provisional points pending,
Euro Bri 1, Helmet 1

Guinness v Heineken

Well the weekend is over, and I have just about sobered up enough to get round to posting the first quarter final to find the official beer of the Bender Squad. Like I said in an earlier post, I am going to post a commercial of each brew to help you decide on how to cast your vote. This week was an easy one, as both Heineken and Guinness both have a long history for coll and clever adverts. I will probably struggle on some of the less well known qualifiers, but that is for another week. For now, enjoy the two ads posted below.

Haven't Seen this on on TV

Guinness have made many famous ads, but I don't recall ever seeing this one on the telly.

Clever Heineken commercial

Not as funny as the walk in fridge advert, but I think it is pretty cool. Aclever way of making a simple point.

Explosive!!

Inspired by brother Crespo. I decided to re-visit a challenge that I had not undertaken for years. The Stagg Chilli "Dynamite Hot" challenge to be precise. It had been years since I had eaten a tin of the stuff, and seeing as nobody was playing out last night, I thought I would entertain myself by trying to melt my insides. The first couple of mouth fulls were quite pleasant, but then the Habanaros kick in, and the tinglyness begins. I new before long the hurt would start, so I picked up the pace, as my nose began to run, and my eyes filled with water. The lager I had poured to assist me in my quest was proving to be totally ineffective, as the heat began to rise. But the worse part was yet to be faced. For those of you have undertaken this mission, you will be all to aware that the hottest, most unpleasant stage is the last bit in the bowl, when all the meat and beans have gone, and all that is left is the molten lava sauce that causes extreme discomfort.

Mission accomplished, I began to ponder why they had called it Dynamite hot, instead of insanely hot, or molten lava hot, but I didn't have to ponder for long, as the first in a long line of fragrant farts exploded from my keister. The funny thing is they smelt just like the chilli did, but in a farty kind of way. The Elster thought it was well gross, but me and the Ikester thought it was most hilarious. I even took to sitting on a wooden box, just to accentuate the rumblings and bursts from me arse. Still it wasn't so funny this morning when I woke up and made a dash for the kazze. I will be putting some bog roll in the fridge next time I decide to consume a can of the stuff.

Not you too Bruce??

What has happened to the action movie genre? Back in the day we had classics such as the first two Mad Max movies, the Lethal Weapon movies, Aliens, the Dirty Dozen, First Blood etc. Yes you had to suspend a certain amount of disbelief, but you always thought when a major stunt was pulled off, or a certain death avoided, that it was physically possible that it could happen. But then along came John Woo, and it all began to get silly. Action sequences had to be almost balletic in execution, as gravity defying leaps, and seemingly bullet proof hero's had to dispatch the arch villain in ever more flamboyant ways. Take Mission Impossible Two. Please take it. Tom Cruise, of all people, engages a mad Scottish geezer in a seemingly never ending duel on motorbikes, one's that do front wheelies at top speed while the protagonists exchange gun fire along first a highway and then a beach. After a thousand rounds have been fired, one finally hits a bike, he drops his gun in the sand, and a big 10 minutes kung fu fight ensues, that would leave most people dead. Just as Tom is about to get it from the baddie, who decides to use a gun, at last, the wind blows the sand away at his feet, to reveal the gun he dropped twenty minutes earlier. Then in slow motion, he kicks the gun in the air, does a back flip (for no apparent reason) he shoots the bad guy, who just sits there and watches him do it, between the eyes. Even more unlikely, he then pulls the way fit Thandie Newton. Ridiculous.

But this kind of nonsense seemed to be the standard for the action genre, as the even less believable Nicholas Cage and John Travolta turned in the laughable FaceOff, with Mr Cage following that up with junk like Con Air and The Rock ( which are almost redeemed by the excellent John Malcovich and Sean Connery). Even Martin Scorcese turned out the "everybody dies in a stupid manner", The Departed. But none can hold a candle to the stupidfest I watched on Sunday night. Die Hard 4.0. Has there ever been such total hogwash committed to celluloid? The plot alone beggars belief, as a bunch of nerds are killed by a maniac programmer, and his squad of elite mercenaries. Of course they have not reckoned with the now decrepit John Mclaine. Now I know you need to suspend a degree a belief. I can accept that in movie land, that a 55 year old New York detective would be able to take out a crack team of highly trained special force assassins. Who couldn't drive a car through on coming traffic, jump out at the last minute, at 60 plus m.p.h., making sure said car uses toll booth as ramp, and takes out low hovering helicopter. When he kills a guy who can run up walls, and kicks his ass all shades of blue out of him, with a single kick, who am I to carp. But then comes the big finale.

For those of you who have not had two hours of your life robbed by this motion picture, I shall try and convey the climax, although it does truly need to be seen to be believed. Brucie is chasing the bad guys, who of course have his daughter and the nerd who has been his sidekick throughout this adventure, held prisoner, as he races to save them. In an articulated 18 wheel truck. Of course the FBI think he is the bad guy, because he is in the bad guys truck, so they send a Harrier jump jet to blow up the vehicle that he is now driving. The jet chases the truck along the free way, firing missiles that nearly, but never quite, destroy the vehicle. So the pilot flies at street level under the flyover, and strafes the truck, nearly, but not quite destroying it. At this point the missiles that were fired earlier, cause the roadway to collapse. This creates a ramp for Mr Willis to drive up. At the same time the collapsing road clips the jet, sending it into a tailspin. At this point, Bruce jumps out of the vehicles cab, onto the spinning jet, and proceeds to run counter clockwise around it before jumping off, and landing on the floor, where he runs like the clappers before the airplane explodes. And that's not it. When he comes face to face with criminal mastermind behind it all, he kills him by firing his gun through himself.

I don't know, maybe I am being to harsh, but the level of credibility needed to be suspended for this yarn was just too much. The running around the doomed fighter jet was quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in a movie. And that includes Julia Roberts as a prostitute in Pretty Woman. What makes it worse, is that the original Die Hard is without a shadow of a doubt one of the best action pictures ever made. Shame on you Bruce....

Goal Drought Ends

And it ended BIG time. For weeks we on the Righteous Elite have been trying to hatch a cunning plan to break the JMF voodoo that has seen us go win less for over two months. Every one had failed, miserably in some cases, but three weeks ago Clogs thought we should consider scoring first for a change. Far to simple we said, as our devious schemes continued to yield nought. So we finally decided to test out the simple game plan aired weeks ago. Did it work? And then some! We scored first and the evil spell cast upon us by our nefarious penis loving opposition was blown to smithereens. They equalised fairly sharply, but once I had bent a shot around the benders to put us in front once more, the floodgates opened. 10-1 up after ten minutes, and the game was up. Luklear and Young Gaz did their utmost to prevent a record humping, but the goals flowed from one and all. The Shotgun morphed into a Sniper, Shouty became a two footed net finding missile launcher, Clogs shed his wooden boots and Two Scoops and my good self rolled back the years as we came within one goal of reaching 30 scores. We were fucking magic. Our defending, as ever was not great, we did concede a hefty 16 goals, but with attacking play of this magnitude, the boys in red were quite simply steam rollered. Afterwards they rather ungraciously kept going on about being four in front still, and bitching about the team selections, which doesn't do our display justice. As you can see below, the teams don't differ greatly, in fact ours was the same side that got spanked big time four out of the last six games. Can we keep it up? If we maintain this form over the next three or four games, it could make for an interesting finish, although next week will probably see the return of the talismanic Dead Eye to the shirt lifters.

JMF- Funky, King Dave, Young Gaz, Luklear War and Big Phil

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two scoops, Clogs, Shouty and Dr Shotgun

2009 Season

JMF wins - 22

Euro Elite - 18

Draws - 3

Battle of the Brews...Quarter Finals

So the last 16 round is at an end, and our journey to discover the beer that will be championed as "The official beer of the Bender Squad" now has but eight contenders. The draw was carried out last night, under the auspices of an independent adjudicator, namely, the Elster. And what a round it promises to be. The list, which is shown as the round will unfold, is listed below:

• Guinness versus Heineken
• Peroni versus DAB
• Corona versus Kolsch
• Budweiser versus Rolling Rock

The first round sees the might of Ireland face off against a Dutch Master. Could be a close one. Next up the underdog DAB takes on Peroni, with the Italian brew a definite favourite But the tie of the round is the two beers that polled the heaviest, both under shall we say, dubious circumstances. Corona takes on Kolsch in the third week. Last up is the battle of the Yankee brews, Rolling Rock takes on the heavyweight might of Budweiser. I think I mentioned earlier, that for this round, instead of just sticking up more facts and figures, that I would post an advert featuring the duelling brews. I will post the first round tomorrow night.

Battle of the Brews....Last 16

A close run thing, as the last round of the last 16 timed out. With both beers running neck and neck, I thought I would have to invoke my status as Bender Squad President for Life to separate the brews, but with only 45 minutes remaining vote came in for DAB, and the deadlock was broken. It was difficult to find a picture of a honey modelling a can/bottle/glass of Dortmunder, so I have just picked a random image of a bird serving up a German beer.


So we are now down to eight beers, as we search to declare an "Official Beer of the Bender Squad." I will do the draw for the quarter finals tomorrow. The list of qualifiers are as follows:


Qualifiers to date:
Rolling Rock
Budweiser
Corona
Heineken
Peroni
Kolsch
Guinness
DAB

On Your Marks, Get Set.....

Go! The race for Le Maillott Jaune 2010 has provisionally begun. Is say provisionally, as there is an Squad Summit due to determine once and for all a fair and transparent scoring system for all. This is in light of last years lack of a clear winner. Hopefully we will find time this upcoming weekend to sit down and iron out Constitution of buffoonery. Once it has been ratified by high ranking members of the little known Bender Squad, brothers G-Spot and Dr Shotgun have undertaken to knock up some kind of electronic forum/site, that will be used to keep tabs on the movers and shakers in the quest to be crowned Le Grand Buffoon 2010.

This brings us on to the early scores. As I have pointed out above, these are just markers until our new system is in place. As you have read below, is the case of Gareeee Numan. But he was not alone down the Villager on Sunday. As talk turned to next summers World Cup, the King of the Pixies was asked who he thought would lift the trophy. "Spain are my predicament!" was Sandros call. Worth a minimum of two points if you ask me. I will not publish a table until these scores are verified.

That'll be Five Points

This post is specially for Gareeeee Numan. Every time I cross swords with Mr Numan, he disputes anything that I have to say, this being a classic case. After the Chelsea/United game we got talking about crap football players, and Mr Dia was mentioned, after famously pulling the wool over Graeme Souness's eyes, whilst he was at Southampton. Of course Garreeee was not having none of it, and said the ruse was carried out at Newcastle United, and reckoned I deserved Buffoon points. Well Mr Numan, I think it is you who will be not only be eating humble pie, but also collecting five shiny points for your obstinance. What makes it even sweeter, is the fact that this whole episode occured while Southampton were playing your beloved Leeds.

Der Lowen are Der Rubbish

It's been a few weeks since I updated you all on the trials and tribulations of Der Lowen, and I am afraid there isn't much cheer to spread. The cup run is over, the lads were unable to repeat the upset of Hertha in the previous round, as high flying Shalke beat them 3-0 at the Allianz. Still, they were never going to win it, so it was time to focus on the league. Or so you would think. An away game at rock bottom FSV Frankfurt presented the perfect chance to get the league campaign back on track. They hadn't won all season, and had managed just two draws, as 1860 pulled in to town, but as you might have guessed, that all changed as TSV were beaten 3-2. Next was a fixture at home against second place Kaiserslauten, the kind of game that we usually put up a performance, and gain a result. Not this time, 1-0 to the visitors. So this weekend it was a trip to mid table Cottbus, and the hat trick was completed with another loss by a solitary score. So now the defence is playing alright, but they can't score. Another long season stretches before us....

On a happier note, Lars Bender scored his first top flight goal on the weekend, and helped to shoot Bayer Leverkusen to the top of the league.

This is Getting Monotonous

Guess what? We lost! No magoos this week. The shooting was pretty decent, but so was the goal keeping. Dead Eye, who undertook an extended stint between the sticks due to an injury, saved just about everything that was thrown at him. We were losing at this juncture, but had gained the upper hand. The game was there for the taking. But time and again the Puppy killer repelled all the shots that rained upon him. His tactic was to lay across the goal mouth, but it worked. Combine this with a burst of goals from Luklear and Young Gaz at the end, and you get another stuffing. I think it was five in the end up, but by then are chance had gone. we knocked the ball around beautifully, and if we can maintain this form, we may yet have an outside chance of retaining our title. This will not be easy, as with only 8 games remaining, we trail by five. One of these Wednesdays they are get a right beating, but will it be in time??

JMF- Funky, Dead Eye, Young Gaz, Luklear War and Big Phil

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two scoops, Clogs, Lefty and Dr Shotgun

2009 Season

JMF wins - 22

Euro Elite - 17

Draws - 3

Cheered Me Up

I have had a shite day today, and was feeling pretty damn grumpy. I got in poured a beer, fired up the pc, and decided to just surf the net. My purpose was to do some research for the next round of the battle of the brews. I thought it might be cool to do the next round ties, featuring an advertisement of the brews that were in direct competition. I was struggling to find a kolsch one, so thought I would see what more of the mainstream beers had to offer. I found this one, which cheered me up no end, especially the skippy, clappy guy to the left.

And the Winner is..........

Whew, what a close finish. Another year of tom foolery, stupidity, daftness and buffoonery is at an end, and the results are in. For the first time in the five years that this award has been presented there has not been a clear runaway winner. In the past, the final decision has been made weeks in advance, with such legends of idiocy as Jamon, John the Don, Funky and Shouty winning at a canter. But the Bender Squad had a lean 12 months, with no mass gatherings, bar Mad Ad's stag night, so the race for the Maillot Jaune was a lot tighter, as the foolishness tended to come in bursts, rather than a massive blow out. Still, at one point it looked like history might be made, as a stupendous display Bavaria by the Right Honourable, earned him what seemed to be an unassailable lead. But then came the Helmet Hurricane in the Scottish capitol. and the lead was wrestled away, before a severe lapse of judgement in the Villager tied everything up. So for the first time, we had a tie. It was decided to hold an X-Factor style text vote to determine the winner, although the Mercenary did suggest a kind of "Golden Goal" night out. I assume this would mean gathering in a pub, drinking copious amounts of beer, and seeing which of the protagonists would be first to crack. A kind of Buffoon roulette if you like. A good idea, and something that will be discussed in a couple of weeks, when we are hoping to have a meeting to lay out an "Buffoon Constitution" that will enshrine the laws of points scoring in Squad law.

I digress. On to the voting. I sent out a text to 18 senior members to decide the outcome for 2009. There were 14 replies, although three of the previous winners declined to register their nomination. So the final number of ballots cast was 14. At first things seemed as they could go to the wire, as the first six texts were split evenly between the Muppet of Munich and the Eegit of Edinburgh. But from there on in, it became a landslide, as apart from one abstention, the rest of the votes cast for for one winner. So it is my great pleasure to unveil the recipient of the Maillott Jaune as "Le Grande Buffoon 2009", by a vote of 10-3, is the one and only..........












TONY HELMET!!!!!!







Previous Winners

2008- Shouty Paul










2007- The Funky Messiah









2006- John the Don










2005- Jamon












So just as we crown a new King, the race to crown another begins. As I pointed out earlier in this post, we will be drawing up a fairer, more transparent system for determining future winners. In the meantime, however, we will be using the current scoring system, and we will readjust any points accrued after we now who we are going to score in the future.

DAB v Kronenbourg 1664

DAB

Style- Dortmunder

ABV- 5-6%

Price- £4 for four at oddbins

Originated- Dortmund




Kronenbourg 1664

Style- Lager

ABV 5.5%

Price- around £4 for 4

Originated- Strasbourg

Overview
A tight one to call, as both are an excellent brew. 1664 is found everywhere, and is in fact the original "wife-beater" pre dating Stella by a good couple of years. Not found on draught as often as it once was, although if memory serves, @spoons still do it, and a super chilled variety (which I try to avoid, all those chemicals cannot be healthy). Dortmunder Actien Brauerei, or DAB as it says on the tin, is not so readily available. They used to big bottles of it in Morrisons, but since the influx of Eatern Europeans, it has been muscled off the shelves in favour of Polish/Slovakian/Bulgarian lagers, which is a shame as it is one of my favourites. Oddbins do it in cans, but as you all know, beer tastes much better out of a bottle.

Odds
It is a shame these two were drawn together, as both would have graced the quarter finals as worthy choices, but as the Highlander said, "There can be only one." My suspicion is the more widely available French beer will prevail, although I will be campaigning hard to see the pride of Dortmund win.