- you have been married three times and have the same in-laws
- you fart in public and blame your kids
- you've been to wedding reception at Little Chef
- you've lost your wife in a poker game
- your lawn mower is a sheep
- the biggest city you've ever been to is Keighley
- your naked on laundry day
Why do Wilsdeners go to family reunions?
To hit on chicks.
Whats the difference between a Wilsdener and a coconut?
Ones thick and hairy. The others a coconut..
Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?
16 comments:
How do you circumcise a Wilsdener?
Kick his sister in the jaw
what do you call the Wilsden electral role?
A family tree !
I thought it was common knowledge that the film Deliverance was shot in and based on those happy pig squealers from Tiffin, Ohio. Even Burt Reynolds said it was more uncomfortable than his toupee being in the banjo playing, keep it in the family, pig squealin' capital of the good ole U S of A!
What do Wilsdeners use for protection when having sex?
A bus shelter
Geoff has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys an isolated house in Wilsden as far from humanity as possible.
Geoff sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bent nosed Wisdener standing there.
"Name's Jamon. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin' a party Saturday. Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Geoff. "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Jamon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Jamon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."
Damn, Geoff thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
Once again Jamon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Geoff. "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Jamon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. It's just gonna be the two of us."
A bloke walks into a bar with a pig under his arm and says "can I have a pint for me and one for my little mate here".
The landlords says:
"get the fuck out of here ya fat bald cunt, we'll have no swine intoxicating/racing/fucking/eating in my establishment".
The end - do I win a prize?
jmf, cha cha cha
Dear mo fo theresa,
You do indeed win a prize. The prize for most witless comment ever posted. I bet you go down a storm in Wilsden.
What do you call a Wilsdener with 50 lovers?
A shepard.
There's an Englishman, Irishman and American, taking part in a sponsered swim-a-thon, however none can actual swim so the organisors allow a buoyancy aid each.
The English man takes traditional arm bands and although he looks a little foolish he manages to splash his way across the pool.
The Irish man takes an inflatable air-ring, again he looks rather daft but he splashes across the pool in aid of his charity.
The American takes a "pig" and is stopped by the organisors who says how many thimes do we have to tell you - get the fuck out you fat, bald speedo-paedo or we''l ring the police.
cha cha cha
Ah that Wilsden wit.... it appears that mo fo Theresas dad and husband Stan Fairclough shares her fantasticly witless sense of humour. Oh how they must roll in the aisles down the co-op.
Two Wilsdeners are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
Jamon: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Funky: What about the sheep?!?
Jamon: Fuck the sheep!!!!
Funky: (pause) Do you think we have time?
EXTRACTS FROM THE OFFICIAL JMF JOKE BOOK!
1. What do you call a homosexual, traveling at 30 miles an hour in a white tin can with an ariel on the roof?
Brian in his works Van!
2. "Knock Knock"
"Whose there"?
"It's Mick, I forgot me keys"!
3. What's black and white and runs around like a retard?
Jonny!
4. What's white and pink and is a retard?
Shouty in wearing Sam's dress!
5. What has:
Ten legs (six of them left footed)
Five heads
Four testicles
Three brains
and gets fucked every Wednesday
Euro-Elite!
Cha Cha Cha Mo Fo Cha
Q: What has 10 arms and an IQ of 17
A: The JMF
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and JMF striker King Dave?
A: Clinton can score.
Whats the difference between the Euro Elite and five turds on a table?
The table!
Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the JMF goal?
A: Pam's only got two tits in front of her
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Wilsdener and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.
What's the difference between a Sunshine coach load of blind spaz's and the Euro-Elite.
?
?
?
There is no difference.
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