U-Toe-Pia

Due to my recent struggles with the nefarious JMF, I am launching U-Toe-Pia, a toe awareness week, that aims to prevent anybody else falling pray to this evil sect of toe breakers. Firstly DO NOT PANIC!!! Remember, although they are big, mean and ugly, and hunt in packs of five, they are essentially a bunch of daisy picking turd burglars. Dress sensibly, if it isn't flamboyant it won't garner their attention. Listen to gangsta rap. If it ain't raining men, they ain't interested. Open toe sandals are an obvious no-no. Drink pints of lager/beer. The one thing that worries the shandy drinking MoFo is a gang of bevied up beer monsters. Keep in the company of females. The JMF see groups of five blokes together as a challenge to be rimmed at all costs. Most importantly though, and I cannot stress this enough, if you have the misfortune to find a green furry five a side ball at your feet DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK AND MAKE TO SCORE A GOAL! This is the mating call of the Jamon MoFo, and nothing, I repeat nothing, gets them more aroused. The MoFo strategy is as simple as it is frightening. A quick, but deadly thrust of the boot onto the unsuspecting toe of their pray momentarily renders the victim immobile. Whist in this unfortunate predicament, the remaining four descended to subject the hapless recipient to the most inordinate of depravities. Suffice to say you will be walking like a cowboy for days to come. Remember------A toe is not just for Wednesdays......It's for life.