Away Days

I have decided it is time to reintroduce an old thread, Away Days.  It was always quite popular, and with next year providing several opportunities for new venues, I felt it prudent to catch up on the back log of stadiums and arenas that have all ready been visited.  It also gives me something to post every week, as to be honest, the Squad has fragmented, and we don't really do a great deal at the moment.

So this week we are winging our way to my state of births capital, Columbus Ohio.  What makes the trip different to my other American reports, is that it features the most European of sports, football.  Or as the locals call it soccer.  Whether it is due to it's strong German ethnicity, Columbus has always been something of a football hot bed (if there can actually be such a thing in the US).  The Crew name was voted for by fans, and the gold and black kit is more than a little bit garish, but it is the club badge that is a bit odd.  As you can see it is a little bit on the camp side. Sure the Buckeyes are the big local draw (College grid iron for those who don't know) but the Crew continue to prosper.  One of the original 10 teams of Major League Soccer, they were champions in 2008. 

So what about the stadium.  Well first up the minus point.  It is quite a ways out of town, and as with all cities outside of New York and Chicago, public transport is non existent, which means car or taxi.  This also means you are a captive audience, so what they charge for beer puts even  European prices to shame.  And they ID everybody it seems, so make sure you have drivers license with you., or even better, get half cut before arrival.  Lastly on the downside, the playing standard. Passes are misplaced, runs ignored and open goals spurned.  There is some talent out there, but I would liken it a top Divison 2 team, or perhaps a mid league Division 1 side.  Being a Bradford City fan, it was an actual improvement of what I have become accustomed too over the last few seasons.

But the pros easily outweigh the cons.  For a start they play through the summer, so the weather is almost always perfect.  Evening games are pleasant, just about perfect.  Apart from the beer, the concessions are brilliant.  The night I was there, it was dollar dog night, so a fat juicy eight incher could be had for the princely sum of 60p. Jamon would be in heaven.  The ground itself is not bad either.  Just a smidgen over 20,000, with not a bad seat.  The price was pretty good as well.  If memory serves it was around $25 for the cheapest seats, although I got mine off a guy who had some spare season tickets for $15.  Bargain.  But this being America, the best thing were the cheer leaders.  I spied several future Mrs Euro's, and when the Crew score, they do some serious shaking.  Nice. Gotta love them corn fed Mid-West girls....

Statistics

• Capacity-20,455
• Concessions- The beer is pricey,but the grub is top notch.  Brats, Hot Dogs, Burgers, Pizza...the list is almost endless.  Service is quick and efficient, and for what you get, good value.
• Built-1999
• Did You Know?- It was the first soccer specific stadium built in the United States.
• Visited By- Euro Bri, American Frank and my mum
• Rating- Field of Dreams- This ground pretty much eptiomises average.  Pretty much like the city itself. The kind of place that is nice enough, but you wouldn't really put on your bucket list.

Looking Down the Barrell

It is beginning to look grim for the Righteous.  Mid way through October, and five games down, it appears the nefarious JMF may well be on their way to the 2012 title.  The boys in white are breaking in a new team, and the lady dodgers in red are taking full advantage of our disarray.  Yes there is time left, but it doesn't bode well I am afraid...

2012 Season

JMF wins- 21

Euro wins- 16

Draws- 5

Quick Keister

Crikey, where do the days go? Gonna try and get some posting done later on, but the way shit is going down at the moment, don't know if I will get time. In the mean time enjoy this quick keister. I know I have.

The Early Bird......

As i right this, the 2012 Munich Oktoberfest will be getting into full swing.  Believe it or not, it has been five years since we were last there, my how time flies, and it just so happens that next year Geevers turns 40.  Now the poor fella couldn't make our last trip, and well gutted he was.  So I made him a promise that when he hits next years milestone age, that I would take him.  Well it's time to make good on that promise.  Wheels have all ready been put in motion, and the numbers are good.  So, in the next fortnight any of you who want to go, need to be getting in touch, as hotels book up pronto.  It will be a good one.

Killer Keisters

Bon Jour ass fans, and how are we all today?  Hopefully you will be just that little bit better after this weeks Killer Keisters.  Sticking with my piss poor French, this fine young lady appears to be "sans coullettes" and aren't we all pleased.  Sacre Bleu!

Yet another forgetful lady, or is she is giving it the old "Come Hither?" All I know is it's a mighty fine arse...

Oooo I have always been a sucker for knee high stockings.

And laslty this weeks G.A.S.  For all you lovers of pale English Roses.

Wristband Around the World

Have added a few snaps to the "Wristband Around the World" gallery. This has to be my favourite, a slumbering Shoutster, brim full of fine Berlin ale.

Still in the German capitol, and small hole in a short stretch of the old Berlin Wall, presents a top photo op.

Across the pond now, and a confused wristband can be seen atop the Vince Lombardi Trophy, that is handed out to the annual Super bowl winning team.  Wrong sport little fella!

Who else but King Clown Jonesey, could muster a smile out of a Horse Guardsman?  Taken outside the Beach volleyball Court at London 2012 Olympics.

Top Ten 10....Away Day Wish List

Me and Alfredo were discussing getting back into the habit of our infamous Away Day jaunts the other day, and it got me thinking "What would be my ideal wish list?" Now I have been pretty lucky. Over the years most of my "Must Do" stadia have been visited. But there are several that have eluded me, and considering the advancing years and lack of funds, a couple will probably have to be visited in another life. So here they are, my El Dorado of Away Day wishes, scored out of ten for the the likelihood that they will be achieved, 0 for never and 10 for I have already got the t shirt ready.

1. La Bombonera- Home of Boca Juniors, this 61,000 capacity stadium in the suburbs of Buenos Aries is world renowned for for the noise and atmosphere generated by it's supporters, especially during the derby game against arch rivals River Plate. When the crowd begin to bounce in unison, the stadium is said to shake to it's foundations. Alas, Argentina is not just around the corner, and expensive to reach. Plus you would want to be going for at least a fortnight, which is a tough sell to the notorious M.R.S. Tickets are also hard to come by, and nigh on impossible for the River Plate game. So unless a EuroMillions win on the lottery is forthcoming, this gets a miserly 1 out of 10 chance of attending.

2.  Wembley- Even though it is in my home land, and a mere two hour something train ride away from my house, I have never been. I have always wanted to make my first visit to the spiritual home of football to watch the Mighty Bantams, which is difficult, considering they have managed to play there all of once, since the original was erected in 1923. That game was in 1996, and for some inexplicable reason, I didn't go. To this day I know not why. There were ample tickets, and I knew plenty of people who went, but for some long forgotten reason, I stayed at home. So if a visit to watch the Bantams looks unlikely, it will probably be the national team, or the Cleveland Browns (if the NFL continue it's annual game) whom I go to see. Considering it is now a 90,000 all seater, there is every chance I will get there. 10/10

3. Westfalenstadion- Home of Borussia Dortmund, this 80,000 capacity monster is regularly voted the best place to watch a game of football in Europe. Similar to Wembley, my hope is to see the mighty Lowen take the field against the home side, which to be frank, is a million times more likely to happen than Bradford City once again gracing the the hallowed turf of Wembley. So when 1860 finally manage to haul themselves back into the top tier of the Bundesliga, I will be there front and centre. Even if I have to take the Elster. 10/10

4. Stadio San Paolo- When the Bender Squad was in it's full glory, we traveled once a year, with out fail, to some of the best known stadiums in Europe. The Nou Camp, Bernabeau, Anfield, Highbury, Amsterdam Arena and the Allianz Arena to name but a few. To this list we aimed to add an Italian adventure, but for some reason it never happened. Kids and less disposable income were the main culprits, although the high cost of boozing in Italy also was a factor. The hope was we go to the San Siro in Milan, and I even began to price up a trip, but since then I have had a slight change of heart. Yes going to Milan or Turin, even Rome is the the obvious choice, but I feel some strange force drawing me towards Napoli. The city itself looks more lively, and the stadium looks a bit livelier as well. Of course the dream is to do all of them, but if I was given one, at this moment in time I would plump for the 51,000 capacity San Paolo. I will probably visit another Italian ground before this one, so it scores a lowly 3/10

5. St Jakob Park- The home of FC Basel, our Swiss branch of the Bender Squad has extended an open invitation to visit. I fancy it big time, although at £8 a pint, I may struggle to find a lot of takers. Of course, I always have the Shoutster to fall back on, and you only live once, so I will make it there in the not to distant future. 10/10

6. Emile Versé Stadium- Home of Anderlecht. I have no dying urge to go to this particular stadium. In fact I only picked it because it's in Brussels, and it's the biggest stadium in town. It could easily be any other, but it's the Belgian capital I fancy celebrating my 50th in, and at that age I will need a couple of hours off the booze. In fact I'll probably snooze through most of the game.... 8/10

7. Estádio da Luz- To be honest I totally forgot about this one, and it should be at number 4, but I can't be arsed re-editing this thread, so at number seven it stays. The Stadium of Light, home of Benfica is 65,000 beast in the city of Lisbon. The original was once the biggest in Europe at a whopping 120,000, but the new one will do just nicely. Now a couple of years back we had great hopes of making the Brazil 2014 World Cup, but those hopes are all but dead, barring a lottery jackpot, or being sexually harassed at work and receiving a huge out of court settlement. So we aren't going. Now they speak Portuguese in Brazil, so a cheaper alternative could be a spring visit to take in a match. I shall make it so... 8/10

8. Estadio Azteca- The worlds largest football specific stadium (fifth overall) is a true beast. It is also one of the planets most iconic. The 1970 world cup final, and Diego's hand of God are just a couple of the famous footballing acts to take part on this stage, but it is the strange shadow that was in the middle of the pitch that sticks in my mind. This would warrant a higher place in my rankings but for one thing. Mexico scares the shit out of me. Psychotic cats chasing super speedy mice are one thing, but the steady stream of Hollywood blockbusters portraying the place as some kind of uber violent wild west town give me the willies. My fears may well be unfounded, but trying to keep tabs on the likes of Shouty and Geezers in this bandit town means it scores a 1/10

9. San Siro- There was a time when this would have been top of the list, and at one point wheels were put in motion to facilitate a trip, but it just kind of petered out. Maybe because of this, my interest waned. The 80,000 seat beast still looks magnificent, but the more I have heard about Milan the city, the less enthusiasm I have for it. I reckon it would be a good stop on a mini tour of northern Italy, but that is about it. Yet it is still the first name that crops up when a European away Day is touted. It for this reason alone that I envision a visit. 7/10

10. New York Baseball- You may well have noticed that up till now all the Away Days have featured Association Football.  Till now.  My second favourite sport in the world is baseball, and there is arguably no bigger baseball town than New York.  Both the Yankees and the Mets play in brand new state of the art stadiums, built near where their old yards used to stand.  Now I confess my preference would be to go see the Bronx Bombers, but there seems to be some dark forces at work, as every time I visit the Big Apple they are out of town.  This leaves the less fashionable Mets, who play out in Queens.  They play in a new stadium that has been built in a retro style, styled on old Ebbetts Field, the demolished home of the long departed Brooklyn Dodgers.  And they just happen to be at home during my next visit to the city that never sleeps... Yankee Stadium 5/10  Citi Park 10/10

 So that's the 10 to do list before I die.  You may have noticed there is no Brazilian venues on my list.  Lets face it, their league teams are pretty dull (bet you can't name more than three teams) and the national team plays most of it's fixtures in London now.  As i explained, the next World Cup is probably four years to early for me.  In 2018 I will be, fingers crossed, mortgage free, and the kids SHOULD be long gone.  And if I was going to go to Brazil, I reckon it would be the beach volleyball that I would head for...  Still, with a bit of luck, I will be updating this list in a couple of years, as I hope to have got around at least four of these places. 

Quick Wood Update

A quick update of the going ons down the Wood. The Righteous had a great chance to peg the Nefarious JMF back to a solitary game lead, and it looked good from the off for the lads in white. Everyone was putting in a shift, and although we couldn't quite finish them off, all looked rosey. Till Aki went in nets. It was a chaotic display, and although we did manage to claw our way back to within a couple of scores, but the damage proved irreparable. Back to 3 up.....

2012 Season

JMF wins- 19

Euro wins- 16

Draws- 4

Top Bender

I do believe we may have begun a new annual Bender. The Saltaire heritage festival was well worth the visit. Busy, good bars and top company. You could even get your beer from the offy, there by circumnavigating the packed pubs, and saving a bob or two in the process. Good music and grub were also on offer.  Will definitely be worth repeating next year. I am also going to try and organize a shindig at least every other month.

Another Device, Another Excuse?

Well here I am posting from.yet another device, this time an HTC phone app. Will this cure my rampant idleness? So far a desk top, lap top, iPad and Nokia smartphone have failed,so the odds aren't too good,  but the proof shall be in the pudding as the saying goes. Still, a dedicated app, combined with its mobility, may just provide the ease of use that could help a labour shy old geezer like myself pull the proverbial finger out. In fact I am looking forward to giving it a spin this Saturday. As long as I don't lose it in a drunken stupor.....

General Guff

Now then, just sat here bored on a Sunday night watching the clock tick down on the weekend. Don't really have much to say, so thought I would check in. Wonder who many daft fuckers will be on Dragons Den? Oh the excitement.....

Only Seven more Sleeps

A quick reminder to what is left of the Bender Squad about next weeks reunion.  There are a few folk showing up at all kinds of different times, ranging from the noon starters, to the tea timers.  I am aiming to be in the Boathouse for around 3pm, but am flexible.  This is probably the best place to start out, it's near the station, and if the weather is good (fingers crossed) affords plenty of seating.  After that, I will be contactable by phone, but the later it get's the messier we will be.  Should be a good one, looking forward to seeing some faces I haven't seen for a spell, and once we are all out, we need to come up with some sort of plan to make it a more regular thing. 

Killer Keisters

Now then ass fans, been busy lately, so no time to spend trawling the net for fine keisters.  Even today, a day off no less, I have a bunch of shit to do, so there are just the three pics to share.  I thought I would start with something a summery, as it is a nice day, and winter will be upon us in no time. And I like her smile...

The next picture poses on major question.  "Why the heck would anybody want to be in front of this fine filly?"  Must be a JMF bike ride of some sorts, as I would be following this honey all the way to kingdom come.

Lastly, and sticking with cycling theme, a nice G.A.S.  Oh to be a bike seat.....

Now then ass fans, been busy lately, so no time to spend trawling the net for fine keisters. 

Wood Reprieved

After giving the Wood it's last rites, and with the plug about to be pulled after 22 years, Bradford Council saw the light, and matched the price of our proposed site.  So our spiritual home shall remain our home, at least till the end of the year.  And to celebrate, the Righteous clawed yet another game back from the evil female dodgers.  Aki and Jimmy are settling in nicely now, although the formers goal keeping skills need a bit of work.  There was a late burst from the JMF, that threatened the lead the euro boys had carried throughout the match, but thanks to some superlative shot stopping by yours truly, we held them off to earn the win that takes us to within two games of drawing level for the year.  Game on.

2012 Season

JMF wins- 18

Euro wins- 16

Draws- 4

Le Grande Buffoon 2012 Update

This going to be short and sweet, as I have just  spent half an hour writing up a post on the buffoonery in London, only for Blogger to crash, kick me out and delete the whole post, which to honest, I can't be arsed doing again  So here are some bullet points, with name, points total and reason for score.

Shouty 6 points.  The usual reasons.  Lost luggage receipt with in one minute and fifty paces of getting it.  Followed this by losing his house keys as well.  Would have scored more, but was on the way back to the hotel with Crespo, who assumes the points, because the loud one couldn't fin his way around a phone booth when inebriated.

Crespo 4 points.  Thought it would be a smart move to go to a casino and wait till the Underground began running again, instead of forking out loads of cash on a taxi fare.  Not a bad plan, till you realise our digs were a 50 minute train ride from where they were.  can you guess what happened next?  Thats right our two heroes slept right through their station, and ended up at the airport.  An argument with an underrground worker meant he ended up forking out 30 odd quid on a taxi any way...

Euro Bri, Jonesy, Major and Downhill 1 point. My point was for not recognizing my own kids on a picture on my phone.  Jonesy for splashing a bunch of strangers with spilt beer, and then refusing to apologize  The Swiss duo get a point each for something that slips my mind, but I know there was definitly one each for something.

That leaves the 2012 tables looking thus:

1. John the Don  10 points
2. Shouty  9 points
3. Jonesy  8 points
4. El Grande Queso  4 points
5. Crespo 4 points
6. Geevers  3 points
7. Dangerous Pete  2 points
8. Euro Bri  2 points
9. Downhill  1 point
10. The Major  1 point

Is this the end for the Wood?

Tonight may prove to be quite a landmark game, because if everything goes to plan, this Wednesday will probably bring the curtain down on 22 years of five a side football.  Don't get me wrong, the game shall continue, but Bradford Councils insane pricing has meant it just doesn't make sense to continue playing at the old venue.  We have found a new one, that works out £1000 a year cheaper to play at, and at that kind of saving (a hundred quid per year each) it no longer made sense to keep on at the Wood.  So it shall be the Green from next week.  If all goes tits up, we do have the option of recovering our old slot, time will tell.

As for the actual football itself, things have been all over the place.  We are finally starting to get a couple of settled sides, especially the Righteous euro boys, whose team has had a couple of enforced changes since the start of the year.  The race for the title is still pretty open, although the female dodging JMF have a healthy four game lead at the moment.  Plenty of time left yet....

2012 Season

JMF wins- 18

Euro wins- 14

Draws- 4

Bendership Time

Hola muchachos, it is that time again, football season is here.  As usual, I have organized a fantasy footie league, and invitations have been sent out.  If I have missed you out, or you fancy a dip, please let me know.

On to my annual predictions.  First up the Drama Queens of the Premier league.  It looks like a straight fight between the two Manchester clubs, with perhaps a challenge from Chelsea.  I am hoping for the blue side of Manc land to triumph, but I have a sneaky feeling the Reds of anywhere but Manchester could sneak it, as City prioritize the Champions League.  Arsenal and Spurs will scrap for fourth, with Newcastle and maybe Liverpool trying to crash the top four party.  I have a sneaky feeling the Magpies might actually crack it.  Relegation is a far harder one to call.  I am plumping for Reading and Wigan, with QPR to fall on the last day of the season.

The Championship is, as always the toughest to call.  Of the relegated sides, I fancy Blackburn, who have made some shrewd signings, to bounce back up.  I would love to see Blackpool follow suit, but think the playoffs might be their best bet.  I also like the look of Cardiff, with Bellamy making the difference.  Relegation?  Leeds, Peterborough and Bristol City.  Watching the wheels come off for Warnock should be hilarious, but if they do find a buyer with spending power, they could as easily make the playoffs, which will be painful.

League One?  Who really gives a shit.

League Two, home of the once Mighty Bantams.  I will be honest, I have no idea which way their season will go.  The new signings look good, but they have for the previous four seasons (Nandos waiter Willy Topp apart) but we are still firmly ensconced in bottom tier, and flirted outrageously with the ignominy of the Blue Square for almost the entire season 2011/12.  Expectations are low, so maybe a run at the play offs?  I see Chesterfield, Rotherham and Wycombe as the teams to beat.  Away days to watch out for, are Fleetwood and York.  All together....."My garden shed is bigger than this......"

Olympic Bender

What a weekend.  From start to finish it was a blinder, full of buffoonery and memories not to be forgotten.  I shall write up the stupidity part in a separate blog, as there was quite a bit, and there should be some movement on the old race for the Maillot Jaune standings.  The Beach Volleyball was brilliant, the setting inspirational.  A temporary stand set up on the Horse Guards Parade afforded epic views, ranging from Nelson's column to the London Eye, with most of Whitehall squeezed in between.  The games were pretty good, although the Chinese team USA pairing pretty much owned their opponents.  Prize for the pertest posteriors went to the Italians, although the dancing girls who came out when the competitors took a break were stunning (apart from the two male dancers, but hey they made Crespo smile)

The first night we were in Hyde Park, for the free big screens.  Major and Downhill had spent quite a chunk of the afternoon there, and we would have been the earlier, if it weren't for the Shoutster, who had conspired to loose our left luggage ticket, which I shall elaborate on more when I do a score update.  We watched Jess Ennis win her medal, but the £5 for a pint of Heineken soon saw us make a break for the delights of Soho, where we watched Mo Farrah claim his gold.  The rest of the evening is a bit hazy, but we were all wide eyed and bushy tailed on Sunday morning, as we embarked on an epic day.  Covent Garden was where we warmed up for the day ahead, watching Andy Murray take the gold, much to the Majors surprise (and everyone in the pub).  After the Volleyball we once again hit Soho, and then Leicester Square.  A couple of the lads were worse for wear the next day, but when you fall asleep on a tube, get off at the wrong station and forget the name and the location of your hotel, you really only have yourself to blame....

I have uploaded a gallery that can be visited by clicking here. Olympics 2012

Olympic Keister

Hello Arse fans, how the devil are we?  Good? Well I know I am, as after what seems an age, I have gathered together a crack squad of bon vivants, for a Bender of  Olympic proportions.  Later today we begin our quest to London, culminating in beach side seats on Sunday for every-bodies favourite sandy sport, Ladies beach Volleyball.

Of course there of those amongst you, who will think it is yet another excuse for us to go and letch at scantily clad lovelies fuck around in the sand.  For shame!  We have been huge fans of this sport and are keen  studiers of strategy and tactics, paying particular notice to the hand sides made over their oh so lovely keisters....

Any way, time is short (yet again) so I will sign off for now, but hope to have a full report of the weekends shenanigans some time Tuesady.

As you were...

Two weeks, two victories, one a piece, means there is still a three game gap between the evil testicle sniffers of the JMF, and the heroic righteousness of the Euro boys.  I don't really have much else to add (something that Dead Eye has been struggling with of late), as to be quite honest, I am yet again pressed for time.  The JMF victory was a blow out, they won by around 9 goals, if memory serves.  The Righteous win was by a smaller margin, but it keeps us with in striking distance, with plenty of games to go.

2012 Season

JMF wins- 16

Euro wins- 13

Draws- 3

Le Maillott Jaune 2011 Champion

As promised, better late than never, the 2011 recipient of the Maillott Jaune for Buffoon of the Year goes too....... Le Grand Queso!

In the build up to the announcement of the 2012 winner in August, I shall add the Fromaggio to the Hall of Fame.

Le Grand Buffoon 2012

Now then, bet you thought I had forgotten all about the annual race for the Bender squad race for Le Maillot Jaune.  Nothing could be further from the truth, however there have been a distinct lack of  benders, shindigs or soirees since October, so the chances of being caught out, or of even doing anything stoopid, have been thin on the ground.  But there have been a few moments worthy of reporting.

First up, and to date the only ten pointer to date this year, comes via the blonde bomb shell and former winner, John the Don.  For those of you unaware, he was banned for drink driving a while since.  After 12 months of being ferried around, he decided to drive over to Belfast on business.  On his arrival back in Liverpool docks, there was a random stop check for red diesel.  When it came time to check the Don's documentation, something was found to be astray.  He was banned not for twelve months, but 14, and due to his oversight was still illegal to drive.  For his efforts he was granted bed and breakfast in a Merseyside jail, and had his ban extended by an extra 4 months.  The muppet...

Next up is brother Sprocket, aka Jonesey.  We had a weekend Bender booked to go around London town in February.  Jonesey was well up for it, and rang me up to confirm dates, so he could work out his work schedule and book time off.  But as usual, he paid no attention to what I said, and booked off the wrong weekend.  He gains another point for trying to laugh it off as a two pointer.  Try 7 ya noodle...

Last of the tales worth telling is of the Grand Fromaggio.  Whilst on the London trip mentioned above, he got separated, or abandoned, depending on which tale you which to believe, from the rest of the party, and was the last on to arrive back at our digs.  Now it was the coldest day of the year, and when we woke up, the curly numpty was curled up under a towel.  "What have yo wankers done with my duvet?" he accused.  Lobon snorted, and I reached over and tugged on the warm, fluffy duvet he had slept on top of all night.   Worth 4 points say I.

The rest of the scoring has been pretty low key.  Geevers running away from his train home, and spending three hours asleep in an alley, 3 points.  Shouty and Dangerous Pete have lost their phones, an automatic two pointer, and myself and Shouty getting on the wrong train in Amsterdam would have been worth a lot more points, if we hadn't been given the heads up by a Polish geezer.  Worth a point each.

And that's about it for the scoring.  The winner is announced on the 31st of October, and with a lack of action on the Bender front, it could be hard to displace John the Don from his current perch.  As for uploading the customary winner in a jellow jersey photo, I aim to have Le Grande Queso on here in the next week or so.  Current table reads thus;

1. John the Don- 10 points
2. Jonesey- 7 points
3. El Grande Queso- 4 points
4. Shouty- 3 points
5. Geevers- 3 points
6. Dangerous Pete- 2 points
7. Euro Bri- 1 point

Get off the Road!

Now I haven't had a good old moan for a while, but there seems to be some strange trend going on in the Bradford area.  A bunch of folk seem to think they are some form of motor vehicle.  Either that or invisible cars have been invented, and nobody thought to tell me.  I could understand this if we lived in a bustling mega city, but we don't.  There is plenty of room on the pavement, yet time and again I have to slow down or swerve, for some clown ambling along the road without a care in the world.  Why?  The worst culprit is without a shadow of a doubt, the "Clayton Waddler" a rather large woman who trundles up the middle of the road at very slow rate of knots.  In the summer it's bad enough, but in the middle of darkest winter, it's a miracle nobody has knocked her over.  She dresses in the darkest colours, and topped with the fact she is of Carribean descent, makes her nigh on invisible.  Crackers she is....

Killer Keisters

Hola Muchachos, and Muchachas. Are you ready for some Keister?  Of course you are!  Why else would you be here?  I have decided on a pale theme for this session, and what is paler than a Celtic red headed? A ginner of course.  But don't fear, I have stuck with the flame haired beauty below, who appears to be mostly freckle free.

Next up some thing Scandinavian I think.  I wasn't sure about this one, but it's a fine tushy, and it will appeal to those with a fetish for naked birds in high heels.

This one ticks plenty of my boxes.  Super fine arse? Check.  Thigh high stockings? Check.  Loin stirring?  Quadruple check.  This one definitely floats my boat....

Last but not least, the weeks G.A.S.  A lovely pale bottom, that looks like it's about to see some action.  Champion.  Till next time.....

On the Comeback Trail?

I have got two weeks worth of catching up to do, as I was unable to write up last weeks clash.  So to catch up on the earlier game, a draw.  yet again the mighty Righteous appeared to be cruising towards a vital victory, but managed to implode, and in the end were lucky to hold out for the stalemate.  This with a pretty strong line up, so when injuries took their toll this week, we were looking odds on to go behind by five games.  Clogs was out, along with Dribbling Dan and Dr Shotgun is still a week or so away from being able to participate.  Late call ups Salty and Bazooka Joe were worthy substitutions, but we had to draft in a sports hall worker as our fifth player, as I failed to find another laker.  The omens were not good, and the outlook for the valiant boys in white was even grimmer after an early goal burst by the shirt lifters saw the score 4-1 at the first goalie change.  But then the goal tide was stemmed, and slowly but surely the Euro boys chipped away at the lead, and quite a game ensued.  Young Nathan, our late call up, started to find the back of the net, and we were all square.  At this point the Octopus pulled up lame, and again the sun appeared to shine on the rancid backside of the Nefarious JMF.  But the Righteous hung tough, and despite some eccentric goal keeping from our resident cephalopod, went a goal up.  With the clock ticking down, and the MoFo committed to getting an equalizer, Bazooka broke away and smashed in a beauty.  This took the wind out of the female dodgers sails, and another score, by yours truly, earned the gallant Euro boys a most unexpected victory.  The start of a comeback perhaps???

2012 Season

JMF wins- 15

Euro wins- 12

Draws- 3

Euro on the Euros

First up the football.  Spain are a great side, but are a bit boring.  They are like Barcelona without Messi, which to all intent purposes they are.  It's nice too know the Germans have a bogey team.  Seems the Italians are the Krauts Kryptonite, and for me their semi final was the most entertaining game of the competition.  And who doesn't take a smidgen of pleasure from the French falling out with them selves?  As for our boys? I feel they are not as bad as we all think they are.  My suspicion is a rampant inferiority complex at International level, which I fear will consign them to failure for the duration of my life.  As for the rest?  Portugal like to fall over a lot, Ibrahimovic is a twat and the Dutch are shite.

But enough of the football.  What about the punditry?  Since Brian Clough hung up his mic back in the early Eighties, the BBC has pretty much had their wicked way with bland ITV coverage.  Who can forget such disasters as Gazza?  Now the BBC has also had some pretty iffy contributions of their own.  This is the station that gave Jamie Redknapp his start, for heavens sake, but by and by they have won hands down.  Till now.  Roy Keane may talk absolute garbage, but the glower he gives Chiles every time he talks garbage (which is pretty much constantly) is price less.  And  the way he dismissed the Irish effort was brilliant.  This from the man who walked out on his team mates on the eve of the 2002 World Cup.  His double act with Carragher was excellent.  In fact I thought the Liverpool defender was the revelation of the whole tournament.  He made his points eloquently and his insights were well thought out and showed a fine understanding of the game.  Of course the down side was it's delivery, in a high pitched Scouse accent that was not easy on the old lug holes.  I also like Martinez, although his inability to confess that, final apart, his home nation were boring, is a black mark against him.

So what about good old Auntie?  I am afraid complacency had definitely set in.  Hanson has become something of a caricature, and came across as pretty lazy, especially when paired up with Alan Shearer.  Why they persevere Mr Shearer is quite the mystery.  Boring, predictable and a tendency to interrupt more engaging colleagues, I am afraid it's time he was left to work on his golf handicap.  Lawrenson was much like his former Liverpool teammate, and never really got out of second gear.  But just when you thought the commercial channel had got the best of them, they pulled out a couple of foreign trump cards.  Klinsmann was witty and urbane, but even he paled next to Vialli, who mangled the English language, but was brilliant.  I loved his ketchup analogy in particular.

So an honourable draw?  I am afraid not, and it all comes down to one man.  Adrian Chiles.  As I alluded to earlier, this buffoon is garbage.  He brings nothing to the table, and his over bearing blind panic act concerning England was woeful.  I am sure he sleeps well on the millions ITV paid to entice him from the Beeb, but all the money in the world can not disguise the simple fact that the man is a complete and utter knob.

Roll on Brazil 2014........

A Couple of German Jaunts

Now I know there are a few of you out there who figure we have been to Germany enough times, so if you are one these fellas, fuck off, there will be a post concerning an American trip that might be more up your alley.  As for you Germanophiles and/or 1860 fans, listen up.  Firstly Derr Oktoberfest.  Now I know a few of us have already been before, but come on, it's a right laugh.  Beer, Wurst and buxom wenches?  I struggle to see any flaws.  But there is also another reason for revisiting the worlds most visited festival.  Geevers is turning 40.  Now for those of you who don't know Geevers, this is something of an El Dorado for him.  During his four decades on this planet, he has been thwarted at every turn in his attempt to realize his dream of clunking steins and huge sausage, and I am proclaiming 2013 as the year we put this wrong right.

As for the second visit.  Or should that be the first?  Because after several years of waiting for the fixture list to be kind to us, it appears our prayers have been answered.  In the very fine month of April, just as winter is retreating, the mighty Lions are playing St Pauli away.  For those of you unfamiliar with German footy, this means a trip to the fine city of Hamburg, and the party Mecca of the Reeperbahn.  I am pretty sure I can count on at least six guys, but as ever, the more the merrier..

Bendership 2012

This year, as you probably know, the Sun Dream Team competition was free to enter.  Now for the past few seasons, this has been the Fantasy Football set up we have used to determine the Bender Squad king of all football.  Whilst it was always well entered, despite the charge, this year we had an explosion of new players.  The question was, would the big three be broken?  The last four year have seen machine and Big JB win twice each, while Euro Bri has been runner-up for the past for years.  Could the new entries fell the grizzled veterans?  The answer was....Hell Yeah!  I manged to hold onto to fourth, but big Bad Dessi finished third, an 1860 compadre of mine filled out the runners up spot, but all were left bobbing in the wake of Jonesy, who despite a mediocre start, lead pretty much from Christmas till the final game.  Machine was left floundering in mid-table, and Big JB finished a distant fifth.  The wooden spoon goes to Meatball, whose ineptitude at picking a decent XI was quite frankly staggering.  Even Crespo beat him.  So as much as it pains me to say it, well done to KC, who takes the title out of Bradford for the first time, ushering it up the M62 to Castleford, and earning a place on the Roll of Honour;

• 2012- Jonesy
• 2011- Big JB
• 2010- Machine
• 2009- Machine
• 2008- Big John B
• 2007- Lobon
• 2006- Shouty

  As soon as the new game goes live, I shall facebook out all the invitation for the 2013 campaign. 

Missed Opportunity

We had it in the bag, a healthy lead early on (which we blew) a comeback, and a goal lead, with only seconds left.  Only to be undone by one of our own.  Bazooka Joe is usually a fill in for the Righteous boys in white, but so pathetic has the turn out been for the nefarious JMF, that we had to give him up so we could get a game.  Of course I didn't expect him to blast in the equalizer bang on the bell, depriving the Euro boys a much needed victory.  The scoundrel.....

2012 Season

JMF wins- 8

Euro wins- 11

Draws- 3

Slowly but Surely

Still getting used to having my trusty old desk top back, and combine that with a hangover, fathers day and a tendency towards idleness and.....well, you get the picture.  I do however have some time off (fingers crossed) later in the week, and hope to catch up on the essentials, namely the crowning of last years Le Grand Buffoon, and an update on how the race for 2012 is shaping up.  There is also news on a couple of benders planned for 2013, one to the US of A, and another to the Shangri-La of beer drinking, the Munich Oktoberfest.  More to follow.....

Killer Keisters

Hello ass fans! I know you are wondering where I have been, and to be honest I have been all over the place, but now I am back. And in the mood for some fine Keister. Big Gratuitous Ass Shots (G.A.S.) to be precise. Now my old hard drive has been wiped clean, so you may have to be a little patient as I build up some stock, so this week, for brother Shouty, my recent traveling companion, a quadruple helping of extreme close ups.  

Wood Round-up

Now I am not going to even attempt to give a blow by blow account of the shenanigans that have gone on down the Wood over the last eight weeks or so, but I will outline the main topics of discussion, and give a score update.  The first item on the agenda is the gayness of the JMF.  They still love cock, and run a mile from owt that possesses a vagina.  And they still cheat like fuck.  Secondly, after a long spell of grumpiness, Crespo has called it quits.  Since this decision, we think he has finally been laid, but he has stuck to his guns, which means the rest of the Righteous Elite get to touch the ball a lot more.  The return of Dr Shotgun was short lived, although there is no definite plan of retirement (again), a reckless challenge by young Child Catcher has left him injured, and unavailable for selection.  As for the scores?  The arse pummelers have actually turned it around, through a combination of Jamon being locked in solitary, and blind luck.  They currently sport a three game lead, although there is plenty of time for this to be over turned.  From this week, I shall attempt to return to the weekly match report.

That Took Some Doing!

Buenos Dias Muchachos, it has been, like forever!  Geevers finally confessed he couldn't be arsed, so I got a young work colleague on the case, and hey Presto, I got my desk top back.  No offense to the old iPad, or the lap top, but this shite is much easier on a proper PC.  Of course this means I gots lots to catch up on, and it is smack in the middle of the Euro's.  I do however have the weekend off, so hangover permitting, I can get started come Saturday.  I can't even cheer y'all up with a Killer Keister, as my hard drive has been wiped.

KIller Keister

Sorry for the lack of Arse action over the last few weeks. I am still trying to figure out how to upload from my iPad, which to be quite frank has left a tad underwhelmed. On the PC front I may well have found an alternative to Geevers as a repairman. His new business venture is taking up all of his time, so I aim to get a work colleague to give it the once over. f course this means nothing to you lot, have have been starved of any Killer Keisters over the last few weeks. I shall endeavour to correct this over the coming months....

Wood Round-up

Right, I have three weeks worth to catch up on. The last few weeks have seen numerous line up changes, as both sides have struggled to field a settled starting five. So instead of elaborating on each game, I aim to provide an overview of whats been going on. First up the score lines. The JMF won this mini rubber 2 games to 1, although last nights game was marred by an early injury to the Phoenix like Dr Shotgun. Over the period of reporting, he has been nothing short of a revelation in front of goal. The biggest surprise has been his deadliness in one on one situations with keeper. There was a time when you would have bet the house on the sports centre roof being battered by the ball, but over the last three weeks it has been the netting that has trembled in fear. Alas, an over the top challenge by the Child Catcher has put the good doctor out of action for a few weeks.

So that's where we stand at quarter point of the 2012 season. One up to the Righteous, with all to play for. The biggest fear for the Euro boys is the lack of a settled side. Shotguns injury, coupled with Crespos grumpiness will soon be compounded by a three week absence of Euro Bri. But we shall worry about that in May....

.

2012 Season

JMF wins- 7

Euro wins- 8

Draws- 2

Tetchy Affair

So far this year, things have been reasonably cordial down the Wood. But not last week, as the hour proved to be a most tetchy affair. Which was surprising considering Jamon was not playing. The game started out well enough, and the evil MoFo opened a bit of a lead, everything they hit seemed to go in. But as the Righteous began to drag themselves back into the game, the mood soured. Especially between Dead Eye and Crespo. They would seem to have taken over the most argumentative opponents from Shotgun and Jamon, who seem to have mellowed since the Doctors return. A proper bitch fest indeed. After the three quarter mark, it was very much nip and tuck, both sides nudging in front, only to be pulled back. Child catcher, now turning out for the lady dodgers, scored a couple of beauties, but a final burst from the Euro boys finally opened a lead that was not to be overturned.

2012 Season

JMF wins- 5

Euro wins- 7

Draws- 2

JMF- Dead Eye, Luklear War, King Dave, Radders and Child Catcher

Euro E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Crespo, Dr Shotgun and Shouty

iSuppose it might work

Now this is not your usual post, well for me it's not, as it is being done from my new iPad. This is hopefully going to help me pick up the pace on my posting, as Geevers is still getting around to sorting out the old desk top, which considering that his is now broken also, doesnt bode well for an imminent return. Hey ho. So far so good, but I still havent quite figured out how to add pics and stuff. Or as you have probably gathered, the spell checker. So here goes nowt........

Killer Keister

Hello ass fans, I know it's been a week or two (maybe even three) but late is better than never, so with apologies, this weeks Killer Keisters. As ever time is at a premium, so enjoy, particularly item four on the list, this weeks G.A.S. specially chosen for brother Shouty, who likes 'em up close with a hint of pussy.

Wood Round-up

Once again time has been at a premium, where the chuff does it go? Of course, as you may well have noticed, I am two weeks behind on the Wood 12 reporting, and need to catch up, as in a couple of hours, we kick off this weeks game. So briefly, a quick report of the last two weeks. Week one was not a good week for the Righteous Euro boys. A patched up team looked to be over matched from the start, and the JMF ran out easy winners, with a returning Dead Eye on top form, in stark comparison to an uber grumpy Crespo. This brought about a threat of retirement from our lanky front man, and he needed to be coerced into playing the week after. So the MoFo had regained parity with mighty Euro boys, and had a chance to take a lead at the start of last weeks game. But it was the Elite who took back the lead with the return of, once again, the good Dr Shotgun. The Frank Sinatra of the Wood, Shotgun returned to the fold, after swearing it was the end of the line at the end of the 2011 campaign. And he was up for it, scoring several goals, as the Righteous ran out comfortable winners over the MoFo. Once again I shall strive, and probably fail, to get back into the zone as far as the weekly report goes, especially if my lottery numbers come up tonight, and I can once again reclaim my time for me.

JMF wins - 5

Euro Elite - 6


Draws - 2

Killer Keisters

Now then ass fans, been a while..... So by why of apology please accept this these sultry six sirens. Now usually I'd frame each shot with some pithy nonsense, but yet again time is getting away from me. Where the fuck does it go?? Hey ho, just the way of the world when you hit a certain age I suppose... These shots are all reposted from a tumblr site I found called The Infinite Ache. A very sexy site. Enjoy.