Righteous Smite MoFo

The Euro boys were way to hot for the cock sniffing JMF last night, as they were demolished by 14 goals. This was after we even gifted them a four goal start, even though King Dave was between the sticks. But it was to be short lived, as after flipper feet came out we cruised into a lead that was to be briefly lost once, at 5-4, as we gave the lameoids a master class. In there favour it has to be said we had a purple patch, in which everything we hit went in, but to be obliterated by 14 goals just proves how superior we were. Young Gaz ran riot, and myself and Crespo chipped in with a shed full of goals ourselves. Big John was the rock at the back, and Shouty ran them into the ground. Lowlight for the MoFo was the Funky Messiah surrender at the death, as he hurled his teddy from his cot. Oh how it made me smile to see the arse bandits implode. Can they recover?? Only time will tell, but tonight they will be crying themselves to sleep.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Dead Eye, Funky, Luklear and King Dave

EURO E- Crespo, Young Gaz, Shouty, Euro Bri and JohnnyM

2008 Season

• JMF wins -12



• Euro Elite - 15



• Draws - 0

Is There a New Champion??

I am returned from Bibis Italianissimo in Leeds. The service was fantastic, and the setting was very nice. The food was great, Elsters Angus beef was fantastic. My spaghetti and meatballs was a healthy portion, and the tomato sauce was tangy and rich, just the way I like it. But the meatballs were not as good as the reigning champion Candia. There was plenty of them, and they tasted pretty good, but spicy?? I should have them sent back under the trade description act. I've had spicier custard. And they were too round. Meatballs are not supposed to be spherically round, not in my book anyway. They should be ragged, and big. Like I say, apart from the spicy issue, they were pretty tasty, above average. But the quest continues. Next on my list is the Ital restaurant in Bradford, as recommended by King Dave. But don't let this report put you off visiting Bibi's, far from it. Everything else spot on. Big thumbs up from me.

Quest for the Holy Meatball

Happy birthday to the Elster. This means I get to take her out for some grub, so this year, on the advice of G-Spot, i am off to Bibis Italinissimo in Leeds, which is rated very highly by all that have been. I have perused the menu, and although there were many dishes to tempt the palate, the Spaghetti Con Polpettine E Pomodoro will be my choice. Yes. it is Spaghetti with Spicy Mmmmeatballs. I will present my full prognosis, and pit them against the mighty greasy spoon, the Cafe Candia, which at present holds forth as my champion. let battle commence.

Fantasy Footbal 2008/9

As the pitiful English summer continues it's grey, cool and rainy ways, we finally see a shard of light appear. Yes, the football season is now only four weeks away, a bit longer for the Premier League, as all those over paid thespians need an extra week to practise their dying swan technique. This means that the Bendership will also be kicking off, and you can register your teams now at the Sun Dream team homepage. Anybody who needs the codes to enter the mini league please contact me, although I think I have sent one out to everybody. Last years winner, Big John, will be trying to repeat his first year fluke, with bitter rivals Funky and Euro Bri hoping to improve on their second and third place finishes, although I report with relish the fact that Funky also finished in last place. Previous winners, Lobon and Shouty will no doubt be hoping to be the first players to repeat as champion. The Duke will be fancying a tilt at the title, as will Crespo, who always thinks he picks a good side, but usually ends up with eleven dog turds. Hopefully we will come up with some kind of trophy, but seeing as we are a bunch of slack arses, I doubt it.

Westgate Run

It's just over a week away now, and it looks like it will be the TSV boys who will be batting for the bender squad. Shouty, Crespo and my good self are meeting up with local tosspot KC to tackle the supposedly world famous Westgate Run in Wakefield. The plan is to get a train over around noon, sup our way up the afore mentioned road, and get the last train home. The perfecy crime. If any of ye fancy joining us, let me know.

Furry Lugs

Over the last couple of years i seem to have been struck down with a strange curse. Furry Lugs. I go to bed on a night, and wake up the next morning, and there always seems to be a one inch hair sticking out of me lughole. Where the fuck did it come from? And there is always one for each ear. Why? How? What? Complete strangers walk up to me in the street, and say "Stay still" just before they yank out one of the little blighters out. I've bought an ear hair trimmer, but that appears to have pissed them off, as now instead of just one or two long straight ones, I am starting to get little curly ones that are hiding just inside the folded bits. Perhaps my knackers are migrating to the sides of my heed. I don't know what the devil is happening but it ain't half pissing me off.

JMF Fold

My word, the cock loving JMF took a beating last night. Not once did they lead, the closest they came was pulling back to within two goals, as the Euro boys gave them a lesson. Goals rained in from every angle, and every tea member, although Crespo's air shot with just King Dave to beat was priceless. But he was not alone. The usually clinical Dead Eye must have had his boots on the wrong feet, and he was the MoFo's top scorer. Luklear and Funky were in banjo and cows backside mode, the later even relegating himself to goal keeping duties for the final minutes, so disgusted was he with his own ineptitude. But the worst showing went to the JMF's Young Gaz, not for play up front, but his stint between the sticks. He jumped over one shot. He let one pass though his legs. But his worst moment was surely when he dived the wrong way, and then tried to rectify his mistake, nearly hanging himself on the goals netting. So the MoFo spurn yet another chance to pull level in the race for the 2008 championship, and they sloped off the pitch with heads held low. Take that seaman slurpers!



Line-ups;

JMF- Young gaz, Dead Eye, Funky, Luklear and King Dave

EURO E- Crespo, Mercenary, Shouty, Euro Bri and JohnnyM

2008 Season

• JMF wins -12



• Euro Elite - 14



• Draws - 0

A Toast to TSV

Sorry to go on about Der Lowen so much, but with the weather, yes it is raining again, being so shite, there is not much going on. I hope you liked the shirts section I did last night, and would like to explain why I did not make such a big deal about the Mighty Bantams new away kit. The answer is quite simple. It was modelled by Wayne Jacobs. Any how, I have had a response from Crespo, who likes the new 1860 kit, and will be canvassing the Shoutster for his opinion at five a side tonight. If anyone else desires any TSV garb, please let me know, and we can split the delivery costs, which aren't cheap. It doesn't have to be just the shirt either. I still can't find the club Lederhosen, but the sell all sorts of stuff, from groovy caps right through to flip flops, but the best item has to be this little beauty. I am seriously thinking of getting one;

New TSV Kit On Sale

Me, Crespo and the Right Honourable Shouty were all agreed that last seasons home kit was pretty poor, although I quite liked the away kit. So we were looking forward to seeing what the new manufacturers, Erima (?), would come up with. Well this what they came up with:




Not sure what to make of it. The yellow one is gross, no doubt, even the fit bird wearing it cannot redeem it, but I kind off like the new home kit (the white one), whilst the the striped one is not bad. To see them in all their glory click here. It take you to a website that is devoted to the replica shirt. It even has a comments section that other fans can pass judgment on. I like the one guy who reports that the TSV Mega-Store at the Allianz Arena even sells TSV Leiderhosen, modelled by the mighty bender twins, Lars and Sven. But they ain't cheap. The official website has them priced at 44 Euros, without name, or 60 Euros with a name on the back. Shouty wants "Der Kolschinater" on the back of his. I suggest me, Shouty and Crespo draw straws to see who gets which shirt. Won't we look a trio of Bobby Dazzlers?? Hope I don't get the canary yellow one...

Away Days

This week I have decided to return the good ole US of A, and yet another baseball park. This week we visit Jacobs Field (now called Progressive Field, but known to everyone as the Jake) home of my beloved Cleveland Indians. Camden Yards was the first, but the Jake followed on soon after, with a new downtown ball park, modelled on the ballparks of days gone by. It replaced the so called "mistake on the lake" Municipal Stadium, which held 70,000 plus, but was a dump. The ballpark coincided with a resurgence of form by the Indians (aka the Tribe), which saw them reach two World Series after years of being the laughing stock of Major League Baseball (see the movie Major League). I have been quite a few times now, I try and get a game every time I visit Ohio, and have to say what a fine venue it is. It doesn't have the history of Wrigley Field, fair enough, but on game day the surrounding streets buzz with bars, and street vendors. The stadium itself is faultless, it was recently best ballpark by fans in the magazine Sports Illustrated, and it has plenty of beer vendors. Once again, as you would expect from a modern ballpark, there isn't a bad seat in the house, and the downtown skyscrapers make a fine back drop in the outfield. When the Tribe were at their peak during mid to late nineties, it even set a record for sellouts, a string of 455 games with maximum attendances stretching from 1995 to 2001. The streak ended when the Browns made their long awaited return to Cleveland, and the teams winning season streak came to an end. Of course this means you don't struggle for tickets like you once did, although if the Tigers, Red Sox or Yankees are in town you might be advised to book ahead to avoid disappointment. A great place to watch a game on a beautiful summers day. Oh, and my mum caught a foul ball here, the only member of our family to snag one. I nearly got one here as well, but the beer affected my reflexes, and I nearly broke my neck. In fact I got so drunk at that particular game, I think we were playing the Tigers, but as far as I knew it could have been Manchester United, I fell asleep in the foot well of the car on the way home. Not an easy thing to achieve.

Statistics

• Capacity-43,345
  
• Concessions-This is America, so you know the food is going to be pretty good, and the choice extensive. And they bring you beer in your seats. What more could you ask for?
  
• Built-1994
  
• Did You Know?-The building of the stadium was funded by a 15 year "Sin" tax on alcohol and cigs.
  
• Visited By-Big Al, American Frank and Euro Bri
  
• Rating-Mount Olympus-I know I am biased, I love the place. It is smack in the middle of town, and surrounded by bars. I know it sounds like I think all bar parks are fantastic, but trust me they are not. Later in this thread I will visit at least two ballparks that do not fall in to this category. But to be fair most baseball stadiums are pretty fantastic places. As I have pointed out before, they have turned their backs on the sterile conformity that seems to infest European sporting venues at the moment, and they are a damn sight better places for it.

Quack, Quack

This has not been a great summer. House prices falling, credit crunch, fuel prices and having a government who thinks it's all your fault, and are devising ever more evil ways of taking your money and enriching the feckless are one thing, but when the weather sucks this bad, it really kicks you in the nads. It is the seventh of July, and I could see my breath. And it wasn't late at night, or early in the morning, it was at high noon. And it was raining. Not the usual pissy drizzle that the UK seems to specialise in, but proper, gets you absolutely soaking wet, cant see out the windscreen of my car rain. and it's been like this for weeks. Even when this strange sphere like thing called the Sun makes a rare appearance, it still rains! I have checked the weather for the rest of the week, and guess what? More rain! And there's a pigeon in my chimney! I don't know how it got there, but until yesterday it was making a right racket. So now I am looking forward to the delightful aroma of rotting bird flesh, to offset the continual pitter patter of raindrops. And if that's not bad enough, I can't get the remote off the kids, who have cable locked onto the Disney channel 24/7, as its too wet to go out. This wouldn't be so bad, but they only seem to hire about 11 actors and actresses, who all show up in each others shows. And it sucks!! Apart from the chick who is in HSM and The Suite life, who is pretty damn hot. Its going to be November before you know it, and you won't even be able to tell. I blame New Labour. Bunch of wankers.

Stop The Nonsense

Over the last few weeks, between vacation time and not really giving an arse, I am ready to get back to the business of Stop The Nonsense. Part of the reason I am ready to relaunch this thread, is the vintage week we have just had i the world of bolloxs. First up is the booties for police dogs, sent into Muslim properties, when searching for drugs or weapons of mass destruction. It seems we cant be offending pushers or fanatics. it stems from Scotland, where a Muslim councillor complained about a crime prevention poster featuring a German Shepard puppy, as he claims his religion says they are unclean. One guy, that's right, one guy makes a complaint and an internal inquiry is held, and now police pooches need to wear socks. Nonsense indeed. Sticking with the Federales, is the story about a sniper who is so lethal at what he does, he has acquired among his colleagues the nick name "killer", a name he appeared to have no problems with. That is until one of his superior officers cracked a joke about it at a social function. This so called "Killer", who is responsible for the demise of several people, had his feelings hurt by this supposed slur, that he entered a grievance, and because it was cheaper than taking the matter through a tribunal and legal hearings, they said "Sorry mate.." and slipped him £5,000. To follow any other path would have cost the tax payer upwards of £150,000, so the decision was taken to cough up the cheaper option. But what the fuck, it is only tax payers money, isn't it. I can imagine trying to the same in my job, the next time my gaffer refers to me as a "Fuckwit" A golden P45 would more than likely be my reward.

Next up is probably the most useless man in Britain, Gordon Brown. After stealing away our pensions and taxing us to within an inch of life, he now tells us to start cleaning our plates, as food wastage is contributing to rising food prices. How the devil would he know? I just bet he digs out his wallet to pay for the no doubt most expensive food, at the seemingly endless functions he seems to attend. Only last week, his stooge in the Chancellery, Alistar Darling, was telling us all to start tightening our belts, as he and the top brass at the Bank of England chowed down on a lavish, no doubt paid for by our hard earned, million course meal. i tell you, these people must think we are as thick as pig shit. Of course the rise in food cost has nothing to do with soaring transport costs or farmers changing production over to bio-fuels, it is your fault for tossing that "buy one get one free" loaf of bread that has two out of date slices left on it. And all this about the poor in India, Pakistan having to beg for food. Every article you read seems to have some poor wretch wailing that she will be unable to feed her seven kids. Seven kids? I'd struggle to pay to feed seven kids on my wage. Of course if I had seven kids in this country it would mean I was living in a five bedroom council house, on benefits of £25,000+ a year, but that my friends is a rant for another day. So you better stop hiding your broccoli under your spuds come Sunday dinner, or Gordon will send round the Grub Gestapo to take you for re-education. I may be joking now, but if this country were to give this buffoon anther term in office...

To close out this weeks STN news is a story I found on the BBC website, that shows Nonsense isn't just confined to these shores, but is truly an International problem (Well mainly in Europe and the USA). It happened in Sweden, and centres around a young boy who was having a birthday party. The eight year old showed up to school and invited all his school chums, bar two, who were obviously not chums, or they would have been in invited. But one of the teachers caught wind of this, and confiscated all the invitations, saying it was discriminatory not to invite everybody, and as such was illegal, according to the school, who reported the matter to the Swedish Parliament. I kid you not. They are claiming this eight year old has violated the rights of the two kids not invited. It would be funny, but mark my words, it will more than likely be coming to a school near you....

Stop The Nonsense!!!

Rescued

Just when i thought I would be stuck at home with the Elster, Shouty and Crespo ride to the rescue. The usual Friday night George crew, are all other wise engaged, so I looked to be stranded all alone. But the terrible two have just phoned, and the Elster is dropping me off in town. Hurrah, on the beer once again!!

Bantams Away

After the debacle of the Bundesliga 2 schedule, I approached the Bantams away fixture list with trepidation, figuring that I would be hit with a double whammy of unachievable destinations. Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised. I know we have already pencilled in the 13th of December to visit Brentford, but I have checked my schedule for the next of the year, and it looks good for visiting quite a few places. First up is probably the longest trip I can make in what's ledft of 2008, Aldershot on the 30/09. It is near Woking, just south of London, and Google maps has it pegged at just under 4 hours by car, which makes it a bit of a stretch. The next one up is a definite in my book. It's a Tuesday night game on the 21/10 at Darlington, a date that fits into my schedule perfectly, as i have the next day off, and am only working a half day on the day of the game. Plus it is on a good train route. I reckon I can talk Crespo into it no problem, Shouty might be a harder sell. Just a few days later, Friday night to be exact, there is a chance to go fishing as we play Grimsby (yes Shouty, I know it's in Cleethorpes), so it is a possibility. The next definite is Rotherham away, if they are still in business (yes Shouty, I know they now play in Sheffield). We have been trying to make this away day for a couple of seasons now, and it has finally fallen on a suitable date. Rounding out the year, in December, is the aforementioned Brentford game, of which interest is high. One last footnote to the year though is the 28/12, the now infamous Otleyfest (it even has a Facebook group). That day we are home to Morecambe, so ti would be a quick train and taxi ride (yes Shouty, I know Otley hasn't got a train station) to sup some spicy soup, and even more ale. There may be other opportunities, but as it stands, this is the line up for our away travels following BCFC. I will post a 2009 schedule nearer the time. I would like to try and make it to the Rochdale game in '09, as I am desperate to try their famous pies. It's a Tuesday night, so I don't for see to much trouble, weather permitting.

JMF Pull a Turkey

Just like Turkey in the recent Euros, an outplayed JMF somehow found away to lead for the the most important part of a football game, the last five minutes. Up until then, they had basically been played off the court, but a lethal mixture of profligacy and over confidence allowed them to some how conjure up a victory. Even now, three hours after the games conclusion, I struggle to comprehend the final outcome. The gaylords took an early two goal lead, but we soon rectified this, and surged ahead, but never far enough to cause the fragile mindset of the MoFo to implode. As we reached the three quarter mark, an own goal by King Dave summed up their performance, but from then on in, and it pains me to say it, they showed great fortitude not to give up, and dragged themselves first level, and then miraculously into the lead, finally winning by two. I'll go to the foot of my stairs, but the cock munchers did it. Bunch of wankers.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Dead Eye, Funky, Luklear and King Dave

EURO E- Crespo, Dr Shotgun, Shouty, Euro Bri and JohnnyM

2008 Season

• JMF wins -12



• Euro Elite - 13



• Draws - 0

Bollox!!

Fucking typical. I have been waiting patiently for the TSV fixture list for next season to plan our now annual trip to see Der Lowen play. The first choice game was to travel to Hamburg, to visit the Reeperbahns very own St Pauli, but this game has been scheduled for the 21st of September, and there is no way on Gods green earth that I will be able to afford it, with Tom's stag night at the beginning of the month, and then Paris with the Elster in early October. So our next choice was the self styled capital of the Balck Forest, Freiburg. Shouty has a mate in Basle, who was willing to put up three of us free of charge, and it is only an hour or so on the train. But guess what the opening game of the season is?? That's right, Freiburg away. With no hols left for this year, my two preferred games are not going to happen. So it has left us in a bit of a pickle. The only decent game in 2009, is Nurnberg away, the last day of the season and a Bavarian derby to boot, so tickets will be like the proverbial rocking horse shit. This leaves a home game as an option, but lets face it, if we are going to do that, it would be wise to do it during the Oktoberfest, and I don't have cat in Hells chance of being able to afford it this year. So it looks like we might be hitting a backwater early next year. Even I haven't heard of some of these teams, FC Ingolstadt 04, Rot-Weiß Oberhausen or SV Wehen Wiesbaden. Could be interesting, I shall investigate.

Away Days

This weeks it is back to Der Fatherland, and the scene of England's demise at the 2006 World Cup, Gelsenkirchen, or as Sandro refers to it, Gherkin-Kit-Kat. Before we went to see a game at this stadium, we went to pick up our tickets for the Italy-Czech Republic game, so we already knew how far out of town it was, and even by modern standards, it is truly mile away from anything. The nearest train station was a 30 minute tram ride away, and there is absolutely nothing near it. The day we went to see the England-Portugal quarter final, we drove, so getting there was not much of chore, but apart from a couple of caravans selling beer, there was just a hotel selling beer, and it was rammed. Still we were like a trio of giddy kippers waiting for the game. None of us had seen England play before, never mind a knockout game of this magnitude, and we had paid through the nose to get tickets that bore the names of three German people, one that appeared to be a ladies name, so as we approached the gate, fortified with plenty of ale, we were slightly nervous. They checked our bags, and took the briefest of glimpses at our tickets. We were in!! We celebrated with several beers and took up our seats to belt out the national anthem, and get ready to see the lads finally perform to the level we new they could. We wished. The highlight of the first half was the whistle signalling its end. During the half time interval, Volker Wanderlust (Danny) introduced himself to Harry Enfield, who just happened to be wandering bye. Then when we back to our seat, we found out he had been sitting behind us all the time. The Second half was a tense affair, ending at 0-0. When the Portuguese seemed to have scored the winner, only for it to be ruled offside, Stevie treat Mr Enfield to a "Calm Down" style scouser, which if it didn't amuse Harry, sure amused the boy Queso. Of course everyone knows what the eventual, some would say inevitable, outcome was, and we sloped off back to Holland, drunk and dejected. To make matters worse, we took a wrong turn, and ended up walking miles the wrong way round the ground, surrounded by celebrating Portugeezers. Skanks kicked off, of course, and ended up getting his collar felt.

So what about the stadium itself? Well it is considered one of the most modern structures in the world. Fully retractable roof, not a bad seat in the house, and the highest UEFA rating. The pitch is on rollers, so it can be moved outside the ground, keeping the pitch in tip top condition, and the concession stalls are the best I have seen outside of the USA. But it totally lacks soul. It might be different with roof open, I am not the biggest fan of indoor arenas, or if Schalke were playing, but I can only go on my experiences. Would I go again? Only if Schalke were playing the mighty TSV 1860.

Statistics

• Capacity-61,482 (all seating 53,951)
  
• Concessions-The best I've come across on mainland Europe. Beers in seats, quick and efficient, with plenty of choice, especially if you like wurst.
  
• Built-2001
  
• Did You Know?-Is built above two old mine shafts, and the foundations contain 600,000 m³ of packed slag, a waste product from the local coal mines.
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, El Grande Queso and Volker Wanderlust
  
• Rating-Park Pitch-A geeks wet dream, it is technologically impressive, but to me it is just a big hangar that hosts football games. There is nothing unimpressive about the structure. it just leaves me cold. And talk bout out of town! It's official website proudly boasts that it is within 50kms of live 6.4 million people, but there is bugger all within 2kms of the actual structure. As I have said in my post, perhaps visiting for a big Schalke 06 game might change my mind, but I doubt it. Worth a visit, but I wouldn't go out of my way.

Beware the Stoney Boys

John the Dons 65th proved to be a boozy affair, although not in the same league as his 60th. King Dave was out and about, and Tony H showed his face, but disappeared without a bye or leave. Anyway, we got toasted. The Champagne flowed once the footy was finished, and the Shoutster made an appearance, and tried in vain to drag me and Queso off to the casino, the little tinker. All I know is if you get more than two Stoneys together, it gets messy, and at one point there was the full complement of four out. Stevie is still recovering. Our next shindig is on the 19th of July, when myself, Crspo and the loose canon Shouty, hook up with Jonesy to tackle the Westgate run in Wakefield.

UPDATE:
I have just received a text message from Tony Helmet, whose mysterious disappearance can now be put down to a case of the Munich's. He followed through on a fart. Buffoon points a plenty.

Summer Time??

Trust the great British summer to strike again. As i am preparing to go up to the malt Shovel for not only John the Don's birthday, but the return of one Andy Stoney, it is looking like its about to piss it down. I have been back in the UK over two weeks now, and the weather sucks. Global Warming my hairy arse. But I will not be put off, and beer needs to be drunk, so I will probably be getting pissed and piss wet threw at the same time. I am now heading to the bookies, come on Spain, 3-1 will do nicely.

Away Days

Sorry I am a few days late, I still can't seem to get turned round, and am falling asleep at nine o'clock on an evening. As regular readers are aware, I like to contrast big arenas with humbler grass roots stadia, and after last weeks trip to a major league baseball park, this week I am taking a trip down the minor leagues. For those unfamiliar with the workings of American baseball league structure, there are basically four divisions. At the top is the Major Leagues, who have no relegation or promotion. Each team in the MLB (Major League Baseball) has several feeder teams, used as reserve teams to bring on young talent, rehabilitate injured players or check out a risky veteran before signing him. They are broken down into AAA, AA and single A, AAA being the level just below the MLB. These teams are usually found in mid size cities, although places such as Memphis and Indianapolis also have them. So that's the background, now onto this weeks Away Days venue, which is 5/3rd Field in Toledo, Ohio, home of the Toledo Mudhens, one of the oldest minor league teams going. They are currently affiliated to the Detroit Tigers. The ground follows the recent, in America anyway, fashion for regenerating the downtown area, and fifht/third field is smack in the middle of Toledo. Around the ground there are a few bars and restaurants, and even though it wasn't a large crowd, there was a feeling around the stadium that was pretty good. But there is one small drawback to this downtown venue. It is in downtown Toledo. Imagine Sunderland without any character, and you get an idea of what Toledo is like. The ground has been built with a retro feel, and it is a grand place to while away an hour or three watching baseball on a sunny afternoon. All the seats have good views, and in between innings there is plenty of nonsense going on to stop interest waning. I particularly liked the mascots, Muddy the Mudhen, and his wife Muddonna. As an introduction to the game, particularly for kids, you can't go wrong, entry for the game we went to was $9 (£5).

Statistics

• Capacity-10,300
  
• Concessions-Excellent. Beers in seats, and more kinds of sausage than you could shake a stick at. My fave was the Polish Kielbasi with horseradish, chased down by an ice cold Miller Lite. Stuffed sandwiches, pizza, burgers you name it they sold it.
  
• Built-2002
  
• Did You Know?-Was named the best minor league ball park in America, by Newsweek
  
• Visited By-Big Al, American Frank and Euro Bri
  
• Rating-Park Pitch-It is a superb facility, but it is still minor league, and loses marks for lack of atmosphere. The immediate surrounding are pretty good, but nosedive in a hurry, as Toledo could be the poster town for the Mid-West Rust Belt, the town has practically nothing to offer downtown. Worth a detour, if you were in the area.
  

Euro 2008 Final

Well the Krauts did their usual last gasp thing and upset a surprisingly good Turkish tea, as expected. I still think the Germans are over rated, but you can't argue with their knack of reaching the last rounds of major tournaments. The other semi final saw the Spaniards put in a stellar second half display to see of the Russkies. I can't believe Fabregas doesn't make the starting line up, once he came on he seemed to transform an out of sorts Spain team. I thought they might have peaked, and after they demolished the Dutch, I strongly fancied the ex commies to win. Shows how much I know. Still the second half performance by the Spaniards was one of the best I have seen at international level for many a year. If they can reproduce that form, they should beat an ordinary German team hands down. I still think our Teutonic friends will find a way, but I will be rooting for the boys from the Iberian peninsula. I am having a tenner on a 3-1 Spanish victory.

So the Euros are nearly complete, and although they were good, the lack of England seriously dented my enthusiasm, although I seem to be in a minority who think they wouldn't have shamed themselves (if that arsehole McLaren wasn't in charge, I might add). Apart from Spain, and in the early rounds Holland and Croatia, I think the quality of football has been pretty mediocre. The French were dire, the Turks lucky, Italians boring and the Germans average. Compared to championships of the past, this and the last two World Cups have been pretty shit. Don't agree? Try and think of a memorable match that matches what is seen in the Champions League every year. Is there anybody out there who seriously thinks any of the teams in Austria/Switzerland would beat Man Utd or Inter, or even any of the top twenty teams in Europe? Back to England. I have no fear that we will qualify for 2010, and if we can get rid of our inferiority complex when we play the likes of Portugal and Brazil, I think we can win it. Why not? Look at the Italians, current World Cup holders. Who would you have out of their side in an England team? Bufon, for sure, perhaps Pirlo, but then who? Hopefully Capello can whip our prima donnas into shape.

JTD Gets his Bus Pass

John the Don turns 65 this Sunday, and we are all getting together to celebrate the old duffer qualifying for his bus pass. The plan is to have a few beers down the Malt Shovel, from 13:00 hours onwards. For this portion of the evening it is a free for all, I am going down with the trouble and strife and bambinos, weather permitting, as there is a decent sized beer garden. Later on though is the culmination of the Euro 2008 football finals, and it would be awfully rude not to watch the final, so it will be beers a plenty.

JMF Crumble

The Euro boys were too hot to handle for the cock munchers last night, as they strolled to an eight goal victory. The Mofo started out all right, even going two up at one stage, but the Elite kept their shape and surged into a five goal lead at the quarter hour mark. And that about sums up the game. Every now and then the arse bandits would get within three goals of equalising, but a quick burst from the Righteous soon restored a healthy lead. At the final bell, we had prevailed by eight, which may be hard on the MoFo, as Luklear War had gone down injured, but it made no difference to the final result. Sorry about the brevity of this report, but I am knackered.

P.S. Everyone has agreed buffoon points are to be awarded to Funky, who told me Mercenary was on holiday. As we vainly tried to get hold of Young Gaz, guess who walked through the door. What a muppet.


Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Dead Eye, Funky, Luklear and King Dave

EURO E- Crespo, Mercenary, Shouty, Euro Bri and JohnnyM

2008 Season

• JMF wins -11



• Euro Elite - 13



• Draws - 0

Euro 2008

We are finally down to the final four, and I figure it is time I stuck my two pence worth in. I saw most of the group games in the USA, and it has been, give or take, a pretty good tournament. My pre tourney pick, Croatia, and Holland looked the best two teams, but were found out in the quarter finals. I was most surprised by Turkey, who are in the semis having only lead the games they have won by something like 8 minutes. It makes you wonder if their name is on the trophy. They play the Germans, who for me, feature the player of the tournament Michael Ballack. I know Villa has scored more, and the Russian geezer played a blinder against the Dutch, but Ballack is the only big name player who has enhanced his reputation during this competition. Ronaldo was found lacking, there are no Wigans and Derby to beat up on in Euro 2008, and Torres has not exactly set the world alight. As for the French, they have started to look their age big time, and Thierry Henry seems a shadow of the player he was just a couple of seasons ago. Back to Mr Show Pony, Ronaldo. Isn't his seemingly imminent move to Real Madrid great? After watching Manchester United use the exact same methods to pry Rio, Rooney and the like away from their clubs, it is lovely to see the grumpy twat Fergie getting a taste of his own medicine. How I chortle seeing glory hunting fans bearing his name on their shirts, and I will pull over and laugh at any passerby who is wearing a Portugal shirt (as long as they are not Portuguese). But the sad fact is, I don't think it will make that much difference to United. Yes he scored over 40 goals this season, but I bet Tevez and Rooney can't wait to be relieved of doing all his donkey work for him. And if they get the reported 50 million Euros plus that Madrid are willing to cough up, they will be able to strengthen an already deep squad as well. Still it is good to see the lad move on to a bigger club.

Back to Austria and Switzerland. I can't see Turkey beating Germany, to many injuries and suspensions, plus their luck has to run out sometime, but look at the last Euros and what happened to Greece, so my brass is staying in my pocket on this one. In the other semi, Spain seem to possess all the talent to win this game, but I think the emotional first ever win on penalties, over Italy may have taken it out of them. I know they spanked the Russkies in the first round as well, but I think Hiddink has them peaking at just the right time, so I am going for a Russia-Germany final next Sunday. In the final, Russia will be two goals up with ten minutes left, and some how the Krauts will mange to equalise deep into injury time. You just know who will win the penalty shoot out.

P.S.
To all those idiots who say it is just as well England didn't qualify cause they are not good enough (I mean you Shouty). We beat Russia 3-0 in the qualifiers, and if Gerrard had not missed a sitter just prior to half time against the Ruskies, and that muppet McLaren hadn't made a series of tactical fuck ups, we would have qualified with ease. And is anyone out there seriously going to tell me Turkey are a better side than England? Roll on 2010.

Future Events

I have been back four days now, and it is time to put my recent voyage behind me, and begin to look forward to what is on offer for the remainder of 2008. First up is Tom's stag night. It is officially booked, and it is good to see some old Bender Squad mainstays making the trip. It is all systems go to the Emerald Island and the fair city of Dublin on the weekend of the 6th of September. This will however put paid to any plans to go to Italy this year, as I have not recently won the lottery, and with the credit crunch starting to eat up my overtime, prudence will need to be used. This will NOT, however put paid to a football jaunt for the lads this year. Happen we may have to set our sights a little lower though. In past years we have visited the mighty structures that are home to some of Europes mightiest teams. The Nou Camp. Santiago Brenabeau. Amsterdam AreaA. Allianz Arena. Valley Parade. So for a change it might be nice to go a little more grassroots. The city I have in mind is considered one of the greatest on the planet. London town no less. Yet the ground may not be familiar to all of you. It is Griffin Park, that I propose we visit, home of the humble Brentford Football Club. They play the Mighty Bantams on the 13th of December, and we plan to make a weekend of it, going down Friday afternoon, and catching the train back sometime Sunday. I would recommend that anybody who decides to come along book of the Monday, as these jaunts can get a bit messy. Me, Crespo and the Shoutster are definitely going, but as usual, the more the merrier. Whilst we are on the subject of the Mighty Bantams, don't forget the first game of the season is at home, against Notts County. We had a ball last year, hope to see you there.

In Search of the Holy Meatball

While I was away in the USA, my quest for the Holy Meatball (the best meatball in the world) I sampled several varieties, some good, some not so good. First the not so good, and I am finding something of a trend on this one. Went to a place called Carmie's, which is affiliated with a big hotel chain, and it has to be said it was the worst one of my journey. The trend I have associated this with, is corporate style fake Italian diners, a la Frankie and Benny's, which always seem to be pre frozen taste free offerings that should be avoided. An abomination, in fact, to the good name of Meatballs everywhere. The second one I tried was a small family run local Italian in Tiffin, called Reino's. They did Meatballs with just about everything. They did a lasagna stuffed with them (superb), a huge submarine sandwich, dripping with cheese and marinara sauce (excellent) and finally something called a meatball rollover, which is like a calzone, with a huge M'ball in the middle. It was beautiful, but massive. Even the Mighty Frankster struggled to finish it. These were my M'balls of choice on this visit. I tried one a TJ Willies, also in the vast metropolis of Tiffin, which was served with spaghetti bgolognese, and a worthy effort it was, but none of them, not even Reino's could match up to the spicy Meatball served up at the Cafe Candia on Legrams Lane in Bradford. Apart from Carmies, they were all good, neigh great efforts for sure. They were moist, a good size, and extremely tasty, but they lacked that little spicy kick you get in the Candia. In fact I am off for some tonight, before I make my grand return to the George. Please feel free to help me in the quest for my own personal Holy Grail, and I will accept any recommendations gratefully. In fact I am even considering starting up a whole new separate blog dedicated to scrummy deliciousness of the spherical pork and beef, covered in gooey cheese and smothered in marinara sauce goodness that is the Mighty M'ball!!!!

Losing Return

Well after all those pancakes for breakfast what did you expect? I was alright for the first half hour, and then my lack of exercise over the last three and a bit weeks began to show. To be fair I wasn't alone, we wasted loads of chances, and even managed to blow a five goal lead. Crespo let a shed load in when he went in nets, not all his fault, and the cock munchers never looked back. Dead Eye scored a hat full, and to be fair they probably just deserved to prevail. I hate those knob jockeys. I am off to bed.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Dead Eye, Funky, Luklear and King Dave

EURO E- Crespo, Young Gaz, Shouty, Euro Bri and JohnnyM

2008 Season

• JMF wins -11



• Euro Elite - 12



• Draws - 0

Back Home

Three weeks has flown by, and I am now sat infront of my PC unable to sleep, as I am firmly stuck on US time. I thought I had got turned round quite nicely, I even got up and went to work. But when I got there, I found out I was still down as being on holiday. Result. This meant I fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon, and now I can't get to sleep. So what was America like? This is the first time I have been back to my hometown for about five years, and not much has changed looks wise. The downtown area of Tiffin is still full of empty shops, probably more so. Wal-Mart opened an even bigger outlet, and moved it further out of town, so nobody really bothers going any where in the town centre. My cousin reckons the only people you see there are the homeless and me. But it is still a nice looking place, and the locals are as friendly as anywhere I've ever been Oh, and everything is dirt cheap compared to the UK. Everybody bitches about the price of gas, $4 a gallon, and look at you with amazement when you inform them that Gordon Brown and his taxes mean we stump up nearly $12 in comparison. Property is pretty much the same. Frank paid £40,000 for his four bedroom bungalow, with double garage and half an acre of land and clothing is for peanuts, everyday all the stores seem to think up new ways of having a sale, and when you get to the checkout you always seem to get another 10-15% knocked off. TV is a bit of a chore, adverts seem to show every ten minutes, and go on for ages. Most of them involve Drugs for old folk ailments, in particular boners. They make these pills and potions seem like the greatest thing since sliced bread, and then BAM, they hit you with side effects. My favourite one is a side effect for geezers who have trouble peeing. "If you get erections that last longer than four hours, please consult a doctor." Or another one for skin complaints. "whilst using please refrain from touching pregnant women." I kid you not. Then there is the Euro 2008 coverage, hosted by a cloned American sportscaster, some bint who played for the USA's womens team, a seriously weird little Irish leprechaun and Andy Gray. That's right, Sky Sports own I know everything Andy Gray. I saw the series finale of Lost while I was there too. It is about the most preposterous ending you could imagine. Some fella goes into a cave, turns a big wheel and the whole island disappears, and moves to a new location. Again, I kid you not. But apart from the TV, and all pervasiveness of Wal-Mart, it is still a great country. I did a lot off travelling this time, I managed to visit in parts 10 different states, and I have to admit I am toying with the idea of moving back. Standout places that I went, were Chicago, whenever I go there I always seen to end up drunk. Went to the Cubs game, via Hooters and numerous other bars, before ending the night in an old speak easy. Sorted out the hangover with a stacked Italian beef sandwich from the aptly named Mr Beef. Memphis-we have gotta do a bender down Beale Street. It is stacked full of bars playing blues, and is Margaretta heaven. Even Graceland didn't disappoint. Indianapolis-apart from my speeding ticket, had a great night. More subbdued than the towns mentioned previously, but friendly, with a high concentration of bars around the downtown, and cheaper than the other two as well. Those were the three standouts, but I didn't go anywhere that sucked. Tupelo, Lynchburg, Toledo, South Bass Island, Alabama and Cleveland were all great, but I didn't have as much time to spend in them as the others (Lynchburg is home to 381 people, the Jack Daniels Distilliry and is in a dry county, I think I might have seen and done all it has to offer). I am already planning for a trip next year, probably around the same time of year, as the weather is good. It was in the high eighties-low nineties everyday, apart from our trip to the Windy City which was down in the forties and cold. Of course the high temperatures meant thunderstorms, but they blow by pretty quick, I drove through three in Kentucky alone. There were two pretty spooky nights though. The first wasn't too bad, because I was wankered, but we had a full blown Tornado warning. It was weired sat there with Big Al passed out on the sofa, as me and my cousins waited to see if the warning sirens went off, but it passed by, landing in a town about 15 miles north. The second I was stone cold sober. There was no Tornado warning, but I have never heard thunder and lightning like it. It was so loud it even woke Frank up. Anyway I reckoned I have bored you enough now, so I am going to upload some photos to the smugmug site. For those of you who don't have the address it is www.bendersquad.smugmug.com.
These include some pictures of my first visit to a barbers in twelve years. We got back from our road trip early, and I decide to get my what remains of my hair tidied up by our childhood barber. We were chatting away, when the Elster let slip that she had never known me with hair. Frankie, the barber not my dad, stopped what he was doing, and went to cupboard, coming back with three boxes. I can fix that he said, and whipped out a variety of toupees. See if your reaction matches the Elsters as you bear witness to the Brister with hair;

She had to ask to use the toliet, for fear of pissing her pants, she laughed that hard.

Last but not least, I couldn't resist including this video clip from the Memorial Day parade down Tiffin high street. These old fellas are from an institution called the Shrieners, who get together to raise money fro charity, wear fez's and do this at parades.

Away Days

Hello again, after a three week hiatus it's time to rate another sporting venue. After weeks of exclusively reviewing football stadia, I thought it would be good to rate an American venue. So I decided to start with a baseball park, the iconic Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs, and one of the oldest sporting homes in the USA. It oozes charisma, from it's old 1920's welcome sign, past it's ivy covered outfield walls, to its huge hand operated scoreboard and the bleacher seats built on the roofs of surrounding buildings for illicit viewing. It is within spitting distance of the Loop train network and situated smack in the middle of a residential neighbourhood. Before the game the place is crawling with street vendors hawking everything from merchandise and tickets to packets of peanuts, and there are more bars than you could shake a stick at. Inside the place is cosy, and you can buy grub from just about any corner of the globe. I recommend the massive pretzels that keep you thirsty for the oversize beers on sale. The team itself are best known for there streak of ineptitude, they haven't won, a world series for 100 years, and even when they get close to breaking this duck, usually mange to blow it in a spectacular style. This has given rise to the "Billy Goat Curse" which legend has that when a local fan and his goat, who he had bought a seat for, were ejected during the 1945 World Series versus the Detroit Tigers. As he was shown the door, he cursed the Cubs "the Cubs ain't gonna win no more" and to this day have never made it back to baseball finals. Of course because they haven't been successful for so long, they have become lovable underdogs. The only thing to be wary of is the wind blowing in off the lake. The day I went it was freezing cold. Anyhow, enough history, this has got to be the ultimate place to watch a ball game. Fenway Park in Boston is just as old and storied, but I have yet to visit, and Yankee Stadium is to pulled down at the end of the season. All I know is American Frank has been to all three and rates Wrigley as the pick of the bunch. So if you are ever in Chicago during the summer, and the Cubs are in town (and if you can score tickets) get yourself down there. It doesn't matter if you don't understand all the rules, it is an American must.

Statistics

• Capacity-41,116
  
• Concessions-This is America, baby, and the food and drink stalls are out of this world. Hell, they even have folk walking around the place who will bring your grub and beer to your seat. The beer is a little on the pricey side, but show me a sports team that doesn't overcharge. The food ranges from peanuts to pizzas.
  
• Built-1914, for the princely sum of $250,000
  
• Did You Know?- Wrigley was the last park to install floodlights, not hosting a night game until 1988
  
• Visited By-Big Al, American Frank and Euro Bri
  
• Rating-Mount Olympus-This place has everything-History, Location, Looks and although it doesn't have the atmosphere of a footie game, it still buzzes. As I have said above, an absolute must see for any sports enthusiast. Plus tickets can be bought for the bleachers for the modest sum of $22, which is currently about £12. I think the bleacher tickets are cheaper, and can only be purchased on the day.

Homeward Bound

Well my time in the USA is fast running out. It's been a great time, and I am not looking forward to returning to work in the slightest, but what you gonna do? When I get back I will post some of the shenanigans I got up to, and no doubt will fit in a return session some where during the next two weeks, to catch up on what's been happening in Blighty. See you soon.

Footie

Thanks to Crespo for once again providing this update;



Ok mate, here it is:



Euro Elite,Crespo, Johnny Media, Young Gaz, Shouty, Mercenary



Jamon MofosJamon, King Dave, Funky, Luklear, Deadeye



Euro Elite controlled the game from start to finish winning by 3 goals. Defensively we were too good for the Mofo's as we caught them on the break time after time thanks to the pace of Young Gaz up front. However, the Funky did manage to score a fine goal taking the ball past Crespo and then The Mercenary before placing the ball coolly into the corner of the goal. Star man goes to Shouty as he put in another 'Makelele-esque' performance. Its not pretty from the Shoutster, but very effective. Special mention to Deadeye who banged in a few of his speciality 150mph bullets which ended up being meer(??) consolation for the Mofo's.

2008 Season

• JMF wins -10



• Euro Elite - 12



• Draws - 0

Ouch!!!!!

Howdy Y'all. This is probably my last report from my hometown, as it is nearly time to come home, and I will be busy over the next couple of days. First up is my sorry tale at the local swimming pool. It has a diving area, the water is ten foot deep, and me and the kids were having a ball jumping in and goofing off. The Elster piped up "When you are diving in, your bending your back too soon, and not going in straight enough." Well I decided to show her what a good diver I was (no pun intended), so I executed a perfect straight dive and smacked my head into the bottom of the pool. There was blood everywhere, and concerned people asking if I had blurred vision, felt nauseous etc. All I could think of was the fact that I had tickets to go see the Tribe play baseball. The Elster wanted to take me to the nearest hospital (30 miles away), but I told the pool attendant to slap a plaster on it and I would check it out in the morning. All I could think about was how many forms I would have to fill in. So I went to Cleveland with a plaster stuck on my bonce oozing blood, but it was worth it as the tribe won. Tonight I am off to dull the throbbing pain with lashings off beer, much to the Elsters consternation, but at least I will have something to blame the hangover on. Let's hope it has knocked some sense out of me. Well my trip is nearly at it's conclusion, and I will be back in Blighty on Monday morning and back to work on Tuesday. I am looking forward to seeing the lads, but I could get used to this not working mularky quite easily. Till Tuesday, y'all take care now.

Footie Report

Cheers go out to Crespo for sending me this;

The 5 a side report is as follows:
Teams
Euro Elite Crespo, Johnny M, Shouty, Clogs, Young Gaz

Jamon Mofos Jamon, Luklear, Funky, King Dave, Patty (Late rep. for Deadeye)

We won eventually by around 6 goals after a strong finish which we trailed for much of the game. Funkys controversial hand ball being the turning point having lead at that time by 2 with around 20 mins to go. Comedy moment of the match was Shouty being fouled and felled while in goal by his own net!!

2008 Season

• JMF wins -10



• Euro Elite - 11



• Draws - 0

Road Trip

A window of opportunity has presented itself, so here is my a synopsis of my road trip. We set off on our nine state odyssey early on Tuesday morning, driving through three thunderstorms on our way to the home of Jack Daniels whiskey, Lynchburg Tennessee. A big up tom yhe G-Spot, the satnav worked like a dream, as we made our way 529 miles on our first leg. I decided from the off to flout the speed limits, as my GPS dared me to reach my destination quicker than the time it had allotted. At first everything went smoothly, till the car in front flashed it's sirens somewhere in mid Kentucky. Curses, I thought, as the Elster called me a few choice expletives. He moved onto the central reservation as I practised my best English toff accent and tried to think up some excuse. But nothing happened. He didn't get out of his car, and after five minutes reversed back and rolled down his window. "Can I help you sir" he said. I asked if he was pulling me for speeding. "No sir, I am parking up" said he, as I said nice one and peeled off due south. The JD tour was good, and the local motel cheap and clean, but it a one horse town, where everything shuts at 6 p.m. and even worse, it is smack in the middle of a dry county! An early night was the only option. The next day we set off early to visit Elvis's birthplace in Tupelo, Mississippi. I wasn't expecting much, but surprisingly liked it. We pulled up and went to reception to buy tickets for the museum and house where he spent the first thirteen years off his life. The museum was good, nothing flash, but informative and put together by people who genuinely seemed to love the King. "How do we get to his house?" I asked the usher when we came out. "You walked past it on the way in sugar pie" I was informed. It was easy done, as the place was the size of my garage. If Crespo would have been there, I know for sure he would have sang the garden shed song. We stayed an hour or so, before setting off on the last lag of our 320 mile journey to Memphis. We checked in at the Heartbreak Hotel, and although I have stayed in much worse accommodation, it was a little disappointing. Not in a bad way, but the building was in need of some TLC and seemed to have seen better days. Of course it was Elvis by the bucket load, they even had a channel playing nowt but Elvis movies, but seeing as we had got in late, we decided to head for Beale Street, home of the Blues. It was fucking brilliant. The street it shut off to everyone but motorcycles, and everyone is walking around drinking and lstening to bads play the blues. My personal fave was Wet Willies, which had a bark of squishy machines full of various cocktails. Bender Squad heaven. After a couple of Margaritas, and several beer chasers we retired for the evening as we had a busy day planned, we were headed to Gracelands. The tour is good, the house is a monument to 1970's taste, the Jungle Room, with it's green shag piled ceiling, a definite highlight. It is not as big as you would imagine, but it is tastefully done, the collection of jumpsuits is brilliant. After spending a few hours, it was time to fill up and take off. The area must have been a lot nicer in the King's day, as I dodged pan handlers at the gas station 800 metres from his house. Time was not on our side however, and we decided to head for Indianapolis instead of St Louis, as it meant we were nearer to home on our last night. The GPS still said it was a 470 mile trip that would take around seven hours, a challenge if I ever heard one. We crossed the Mississippi river twice, drove through five states, one twice, and pitched up in Indy at around 8 p.m. We checked into a hotel, and hit Hooters for wings, then an Irish bar for a night cap. In the morning we set off with just a quick 250 mile drive to get home, and I took off intending to beat the TomTom once more. Just out of Indianapolis though, I heard a siren, looked into my rear view mirror and saw I was being pursued by the law, and this time it was no mistake. I pulled into the side off the road, and waited for the officer to approach. I noticed I was in a 55 m.p.h. zone. "What's the hurry?" he enquired. "I thought I was in a 70 m.p.h. zone" was all I could think to say. "But you were doing 90!" he replied, and I knew the game was up. He looked at my English driving licence, and went back to his patrol car. After what seemed like forever, he came back and gave me a ticket. "I don't know if they will raise a warrant if you don't pay this" he said, "that's up to you, but you need to slow down!" And off he went, leaving me clutching a $165 dollar fine. It succeeded in slowing me down whilst I was in Indiana, but once we were back in Ohio, the pedal hit the medal, and I was back in Tiffin 40 minutes ahead of the GPS estimate. I haven't decided what to do about the ticket, but it is unlikely I will cough up for it, I will just have to steer clear of Indiana.

Howdy Y'all

Sorry about the lack of postings, the trip was time consuming to say the least, and no where I stayed had free Internet access. To top it off when I got back into Tiffin last Friday, I entered a drinking challenge and spent most of Saturday in bed with a nasty hangover, which didn't prevent me getting drunk again on Sunday. It is red hot here at the moment, it has been in the mid nineties everyday for over a week, and there was even a tornado warning last Friday, which was quite a buzz. I am catching up om a lot of stuff tonight, so I will try and get on tomorrow to let you know how the road trip got on. If I can stay off the beer.

Road Trip

Howdy, Y'all. After another boozy weekend, a graduation party and a fortieth birthday to boot, I am recovered enough to undertake my next adventure, as me and the Elster take off on a four day road trip. We set off tonight for Kentucky, then onto Tennessee, taking in Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois and Indiana on the way. I was going to try and rodger the old trouble and strife in every state we passed through, but at my age I reckon I'd be going some to manage two of 'em. Highlights of the journey, or low lights if you ain't into the same thing, include the Jack Daniels distillery, Graceland, Beale Street, Elvis Presley's birthplace and the Budweiser brewery in St Louis. That's if we don't get hijacked in the deep south, cause I sure do have a purtty mouth (if you don't understand, watch Deliverance). Hopefully we will be staying in some lodgings with Internet, so I should be able to post some updates, and do the five a side results, but if not I am back in Tiffin on Friday, where I have been challenged to some kind of drinking contest. The honour of the Bender Squad rests in my hands.

Trouble and Strife

Hello once again from the land where everyone complains about the cost of gas, which has reached the dizzy heights of $4.20 a gallon. That works at the princely sum of two pounds a gallon. We should be so lucky. Anyway, later this afternoon I'm off to Detroit to pick up the Elster, and then off to my cousins graduation party, which is a bit gutting, because I won't be able to ogle all the young chicks without getting a slap up the side of the head from the Elster. I am sure the beer will dull the blows. I have however committed one act of slight buffoonery. When you get your cash out of ATM over here, it gives you your money first, then your card, so guess with numpty walked off and left his cared in the cashpoint? That's right, yours truly. But then it even got worse. I figured out which bank it was, and rang them up. "Yes we do have your card sir, you can come and collect it anytime before 5p.m." "Great said I, but can I pick it up on Thursday, as I am in Chicago?" "No sir, if you don't pick it up by the time we close, we will destroy it." Mother fuckers!!! No matter how much I pleaded, begged or reasoned, this jumped up pompous cunt, would not have a bar of it. "I want to speak to a manager" was my final hope. She was out, and I was told to ring back after two o'clock. When I did ring back you know what fuck wits told me? That they had gone ahead and destroyed it anyway. Now I could have gone on a long winded obscene filled rant down the blower, but to what purpose? Just another case of how the world has succumbed to whim on nonsense filled processes and procedure. I am however still in two minds whether or not to deliver a stinky turd through their letterbox, although this being America, it would probably be construed as an act of terrorism, and I could spend the next ten years in an orange jump suit with a car battery connected to my testicles. So I probably won't. Unless I get drunk. Which I probably will. Electrodes through my nads? Sounds like fun.

The Mole is to Wed

I don't know how many of you this concerns, but the Mole, a.k.a Tom has been snared by an evil agent of the nefarious M.R.S., and one of his last jaunts as a free man will be a stag night around the fair city of Dublin, sometime in September. I am up for it, Tom has always been extremely good company, and am looking forward to sinking gallons of the dark stuff. Be gosh, and indeed, be gorrah.

Waterlogged??

News has winged it's way to me from the UK concerning the Wednesday tussle down the Wood. Even though it is indoors, the game was cancelled due to a waterlogged pitch! A hole in the roof apparently. You would think at over 60 quid an hour for the court, that they would be able to maintain the roof, but there you have it. So the score remains at ten a piece for the moment.

Windy City

Hello from the USA, where I have just returned from a bender in Chicago with Big Al and American Frank. I drove up from Ohio, a four and a half hour drive no less, and we got into the Windy City for around noon, just in time for lunch and beer at Hooters. Sheffield doesn't know what it is missing. Chicago always has fit birds in it's Hooters branches, and there were some seriously firm little ass's on display, which always helps the beers flow and the wings taste better. After spending an hour or two admiring the view, we decided to pay up and pop around to an old speakeasy that was frequented by none other than Scarface himself, Al Capone. It was a mint bar, and I had a couple of Weissbeers, followed by some Jever beer imported from Germany. We were feeling no pain by now, and we took off towards Wrigley Field to see the Cubs play the Dodgers, to watch some baseball and sup some beers. There are loads of bars near the ground, and by the time we picked up our tickets I was well greased. I have long wanted to visit this ball park, it is one of the oldest in America, but we picked the coldest May evening in history to go. It was freezing cold, even drinking more beer didn't help, and we only lasted till the fifth inning, as were all wearing light summer clothing. The trip back into town on the overground train was a hoot, I befriended a bunch of girls who thought my accent was cute. Just like me. More beer was drunk in bars to numerous to mention, from little micro breweries(nasty) to local favourites, before finishing thew night off back at the speakeasy, where me and Big Al argued over who was the better defender, John Terry (Al) or Rio Ferdinand (Me). The last word went to the serving wench, who was a big Celtic fan. She agreed with me. I had a shitty little hangover the next morning, compounded by the fact that I had a four hour plus drive ahead of me. Hopefully I will be able to check back in tomorrow and update the five a side scores, if Crespo remembers to send them on to me.

Commando USA

Hey oop, from sunny Tifin, Ohio, USA. The weather is grand, and with it being a public holiday this weekend, I thought I'd check in before I hit the beer. The flight over was OK, but even before I left I wondered if the Elster was still as pleased to see me go as she made out. Now those who know me are aware of my laziness, so I totally trusted my lovely wife to pack for me, as I was busy up to the point of leaving. "Pack light" I told her, but I didn't realise she would take me to my word, as when I opened my case I discovered that there wasn't one single pair of underpants! So I have spent the first couple of days of my trip commando, letting my trusted 10 incher flapping in the breeze. I tell you she packed practically nowt for me. She doesn't come out for another week, but my case was full of her gear. Anyhow, What you gonna do? So apart from buying some new boxers, I have pretty much just been drinking beer, and the like. Am off to Toledo tomorrow to pick up some wheels, and watch the Mudhens, so I should actually have something to say next time.

JMF Defeat Makeshift Elite

It is holiday time, and combined with the Champions League Final between Man Utd and Chelsea, meant there was changes a plenty down the Wood last night. Of the two teams, the nefarious MoFo looked the stronger team, and so it proved. They opened a five goal lead within minutes, and from there on in it was a damage limitation exercise for the Righteous. We even waved the white flag early, as quite a few of the lads wanted to see the second half of the final, and to be honest the game was well and truly decided. Hatchet man Thommo deserves mention for two superlative strikes, one from inside his own half, but the quality of goal keeper needs to be questioned on both. This of course means that the season tally is now all square, and with me trotting off to the states i am relying on Crespo to rally the troops and keep me posted on results while I am out of town. a big thaks goes to the guys who made it five a side at such short notice. Cheers fellas.

Line-ups;

JMF- Lefty, Thommo, Funky, Luklear and Dead Eye

EURO E- Crespo, Meatball, Shouty, Euro Bri and Rocky

2008 Season

• JMF wins -10



• Euro Elite - 10



• Draws - 0

Ou est le Dazzler? Again

Well it looks like I am off to the Windy City minus the Boy Dazzler, who for reasons best known, and probably only known, to himself, has decided to stay in Blighty and flog carpets. It's his call. This isn't the last post before I bugger off, I will try and update the five a side scores before I go, but I will take this opportunity to flag up our annual European adventure. I know we were hoping to take off on a road trip around the Continent, but the credit crunch has taken it's toll, and it will be the usual footie pilgrimage for an extended weekend. Everybody, apart from Shouty, has said they would like a change from Germany, and the request I hear most often is for Milan. I have been told it is not the greatest of party towns, but football pilgrims such as our self, will have to undertake a trip to the San Siro at least once to see either of the football heavyweights Inter or AC. I will wait for the fixture lists to come out before making any firm plans, but the likely month we will go is in September. So start saving now, I don't want any excuses. This doesn't mean we have abandoned the Mighty TSV, by no means, but that could be a seperate trip for the dedicated Lowen fan, i.e. me and Shouty. Depending on when the game falls, my first preference is Hamburg, although with Freiburg being in spitting distance of Basle, we have a worthy backup.

Buffoon of the Year Update

Now then, i figured it may be a good time to see how things are shaping up in the world of buffoonery. Shouty continues a good run, his previous Prune Park Episode, Germany shenanigans, and last but not least the toilet paper incident. Crespo filled me in on this little pearler. It appears after a day out on the lash, the Shoutmeister decided to try his hand at impressing some of the local wenches in Shipley. Unfortunately for him he had some how managed to stick some bog roll to his hand(?), that he didn't notice for ages. Then to compound matters, he couldn't shift the damn thing and proceeded to show it off, as some kind of wondrous trophy to anyone who would listen. I'll give him one thing, he sure knows how to empty a room. It is on the is basis, and an accumulation, that he finally overtakes long time leader the Funky Messiah, who seems to gone off the boil since his Christmas exploits. There is a while to go yet for the current Maillot Jaune incumbent, but Shouty seems to be gaining a head of steam, although he has sworn to go on a time out. I will have to award myself third place at the moment, as the rest of the Squad seem Hell bent on growing old gracefully, although I have got to giver fourth place to El Grande Queso fourth place on the strength of his two casino visits so far this year. Fifth place is the hardest one to judge, as there seems no clear taker. John the Don has gone to ground, and it seems cruel to give it to the Boy Dazzler, whose only misdemeanour seems to be getting as plastered as he always has(although he has lost his wallet and phone on a couple of occasions this year). Tony Helmet has also been keeping a low profile, although I just know it can't last, and Mad Ad is always a couple of beers from performing the spectacular. On the basis of what has gone on so far this year I figure the top five to be the following;

1. Shouty-Can he stop himself, or will his lead be lengthened?
2. The Funky Messiah-Will burgeoning relationship prevent back to back win?
3. Euro Bri-Can he keep upto the young pretenders?
4. El Grande Queso-Casino mayhem, can it continue?
5. The Boy Dazzler-A possible dark horse?

If I have missed out any worthy examples of idiocy please feel free to let me know, as I can't be everywhere at once.

Away Days

My trip to the USA is imminent, so after tonight, this thread will be taking a three to four week hiatus. So with this in mind I have decided this weeks destination will be the one most frequented over the years by myself, which can only mean one venue, the Home of the Mighty Bantams, Valley Parade. It has been renamed the Coral Windows Stadium, as a revenue raiser, but absolutely nobody refers to our home ground as such. My first visit was way back in 1978. a pre-season friendly against W.B.A. a game we lost 1-0 to a goal by a youngster by the name of Bryan Robson (if memory serves, I know he definitely played that night). Back then it was an absolute dump. A big wooden main stand, that caught fire in 1985 killing 56, was surrounded by a crumbling Kop at one end, and a similarly decrepit away end at the other, with a weird little stand that rose no higher than 15 feet running opposite the main stand. Of course the previously mentioned fire resulted in extensive redevelopment, that improved the ground no end, including a roof on the kop for the first time, and a two tier stand replaced the garden shed along Midland Road. Then came the glorious promotion season of 1998/99, which little did we know at the time was the beginning of the downward spiral that eventually returned us broke, to the bottom tier of the English professional league. The seeds were truly sown, when after a miraculous last day reprieve to remain in the top flight, our then chairman, one Geoffry Richmond undertook to redevelop the ground to an all seater stadium of over 25,000, in the mistaken belief we were ready to cement our position in the Premier League. After relegation the following season, and our failure to immediately return, coupled with some ludicrous transfer dealings saw our proud team go into financial meltdown. Two brushes with administration later, we have returned to the division where I first travelled to watch the boys. The club have done a good promotional deal, the cheapest season tickets in England, so match days usually see an attendance of around 13,000, which is better than the previous seasons, when we were lucky to draw 7,000. As for the ground now? It is still close enough to the city centre to have a pint and walk to ground (my personal favourite is the Beehive, a listed Georgian ale house that serves Erdinger on draught), and with the afore mentioned ticket deal, a healthy atmosphere can be found most match days, particularly as there seems to be a surfeit of local teams that always bring a good support. On the down side, the lovely chicken and mushroom pies are long gone, replaced by the God awful Balti. I also miss the Cornish Pasties. As with all grounds in the UK, you cannot drink in your seats, but at least you can be held up for a Carlsberg by a masked highwayman at half time.

Statistics

• Capacity-25,136
  
• Concessions-Average. Symptomatic of what passes for grub at most English grounds. The pies are bland and overpriced, and the stands seem to manned slow moving lobotomised idiots. The beer is cold, but scandalously overpriced. Always double check your change.
  
• Built-1886
• Did You Know?- The movie I.D., a 1995 movie about football hooligans was filmed on the Kop, and if you look really closely, you can spot a certain Patty as an extra in a crowd scene.
  
• Visited By-I can't think of one Bender Squad member who hasn't been at least once.
  
• Rating-Field of Dreams-I may be being a little bit generous with my rating, it is my team, but not even the most one eyed supporter could make a case for a higher rating. It is close to town, and a derby game between either Huddersfield Town or Leeds United does give the ground a lively atmosphere. It feels like a proper ground, and that can't be said for a lot of the anti-septic out of town grounds I have visited on my travels.