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Three weeks has flown by, and I am now sat infront of my PC unable to sleep, as I am firmly stuck on US time. I thought I had got turned round quite nicely, I even got up and went to work. But when I got there, I found out I was still down as being on holiday. Result. This meant I fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon, and now I can't get to sleep. So what was America like? This is the first time I have been back to my hometown for about five years, and not much has changed looks wise. The downtown area of Tiffin is still full of empty shops, probably more so. Wal-Mart opened an even bigger outlet, and moved it further out of town, so nobody really bothers going any where in the town centre. My cousin reckons the only people you see there are the homeless and me. But it is still a nice looking place, and the locals are as friendly as anywhere I've ever been Oh, and everything is dirt cheap compared to the UK. Everybody bitches about the price of gas, $4 a gallon, and look at you with amazement when you inform them that Gordon Brown and his taxes mean we stump up nearly $12 in comparison. Property is pretty much the same. Frank paid £40,000 for his four bedroom bungalow, with double garage and half an acre of land and clothing is for peanuts, everyday all the stores seem to think up new ways of having a sale, and when you get to the checkout you always seem to get another 10-15% knocked off. TV is a bit of a chore, adverts seem to show every ten minutes, and go on for ages. Most of them involve Drugs for old folk ailments, in particular boners. They make these pills and potions seem like the greatest thing since sliced bread, and then BAM, they hit you with side effects. My favourite one is a side effect for geezers who have trouble peeing. "If you get erections that last longer than four hours, please consult a doctor." Or another one for skin complaints. "whilst using please refrain from touching pregnant women." I kid you not. Then there is the Euro 2008 coverage, hosted by a cloned American sportscaster, some bint who played for the USA's womens team, a seriously weird little Irish leprechaun and Andy Gray. That's right, Sky Sports own I know everything Andy Gray. I saw the series finale of Lost while I was there too. It is about the most preposterous ending you could imagine. Some fella goes into a cave, turns a big wheel and the whole island disappears, and moves to a new location. Again, I kid you not. But apart from the TV, and all pervasiveness of Wal-Mart, it is still a great country. I did a lot off travelling this time, I managed to visit in parts 10 different states, and I have to admit I am toying with the idea of moving back. Standout places that I went, were Chicago, whenever I go there I always seen to end up drunk. Went to the Cubs game, via Hooters and numerous other bars, before ending the night in an old speak easy. Sorted out the hangover with a stacked Italian beef sandwich from the aptly named Mr Beef. Memphis-we have gotta do a bender down Beale Street. It is stacked full of bars playing blues, and is Margaretta heaven. Even Graceland didn't disappoint. Indianapolis-apart from my speeding ticket, had a great night. More subbdued than the towns mentioned previously, but friendly, with a high concentration of bars around the downtown, and cheaper than the other two as well. Those were the three standouts, but I didn't go anywhere that sucked. Tupelo, Lynchburg, Toledo, South Bass Island, Alabama and Cleveland were all great, but I didn't have as much time to spend in them as the others (Lynchburg is home to 381 people, the Jack Daniels Distilliry and is in a dry county, I think I might have seen and done all it has to offer). I am already planning for a trip next year, probably around the same time of year, as the weather is good. It was in the high eighties-low nineties everyday, apart from our trip to the Windy City which was down in the forties and cold. Of course the high temperatures meant thunderstorms, but they blow by pretty quick, I drove through three in Kentucky alone. There were two pretty spooky nights though. The first wasn't too bad, because I was wankered, but we had a full blown Tornado warning. It was weired sat there with Big Al passed out on the sofa, as me and my cousins waited to see if the warning sirens went off, but it passed by, landing in a town about 15 miles north. The second I was stone cold sober. There was no Tornado warning, but I have never heard thunder and lightning like it. It was so loud it even woke Frank up. Anyway I reckoned I have bored you enough now, so I am going to upload some photos to the smugmug site. For those of you who don't have the address it is www.bendersquad.smugmug.com.
These include some pictures of my first visit to a barbers in twelve years. We got back from our road trip early, and I decide to get my what remains of my hair tidied up by our childhood barber. We were chatting away, when the Elster let slip that she had never known me with hair. Frankie, the barber not my dad, stopped what he was doing, and went to cupboard, coming back with three boxes. I can fix that he said, and whipped out a variety of toupees. See if your reaction matches the Elsters as you bear witness to the Brister with hair;

She had to ask to use the toliet, for fear of pissing her pants, she laughed that hard.

Last but not least, I couldn't resist including this video clip from the Memorial Day parade down Tiffin high street. These old fellas are from an institution called the Shrieners, who get together to raise money fro charity, wear fez's and do this at parades.