Le Grande Buffoon 2009.....A German Update

Beer, and lots of it, served in massive glasses by buxom wenches at your table, is a recipe for one thing. Buffoonery by the bucket full. I am going to try and remember all of it, there was plenty, and award as necessary. A point each straight off the bat for Crespo and Sprocket, for fucking with my camera, and then pretending that they hadn't touched it when it wouldn't work properly. Crespo also picks one up, along with Shouty, for going out before we went away, pretending to loose his passport, and then ringing me every 15 minutes to try and wind me up. At 4 o'clock in the morning. I probably did something stupid so I'll take a point just for the Hell of it. So now we move on to brother Shouty. He seems to think he is persecuted on this thread, and we give him far too many points that are not deserved. See what you think.

• He went out on the first evening, and ditched everybody else to go to a German techno club. He stayed till around five-ish, and made his way back to the Hotel. In the lift you had to insert your card into a slot, so you could make it work. He did this, and wondered why there seemed to be a lack of movement. the doors opened, and our Hero found himself back on the ground floor. But unlike anybody else, who would have figured out that the lift had not moved, he thought he had discovered a new floor with a different reception area, that looked exactly like the one he had passed through only minutes before, Maybe he thought he had discovered a parallel universe. In his defence he did eventually work out his idiocy himself, so instead of a full blown eejit, he gets a muppet, worth 2 points.

• At Manchester Airport, we arrived at the same time as a bunch of Porto fans, in town to watch their team take on Manchester United. There were loads of them, and it took us quite a spell to get through customs because of this. After clearing, and picking up our bags, we boarded the train. Imagine myself and Sprockets surprise when he asked us wether or not United were at home! "No mate," I replied " all those Porto fans have flown over here to watch it on the telly." No matter which way you paint it, it is a textbook eejit rating, and worth 4 points.

• Lastly, and he gets this one for doing my napper in on the final morning, he decided he didn't want to sleep in his own bed, and took up residence on the floor between me and Sprocket. This was fine, until he decided to start playing tunes on his mobile phone. He was momentarily shown the door. I will let him off with just a knob head, 1 point.

I may have missed some out, I was well greased on several occasions, and may have to do an abridged update later, but the tally for the weekend stands at Shouty-8, Crespo- 2 and myself and Sprocket with a solitary point each. This means the "Buffoon table now looks like this;

1. Shouty 27 points
2. Helmet 14 points
3. Euro Bri 8 points
4. Crespo 6 points
5. Pembo 4 points
6. Dr Shotgun 2 points
7. Funky 1 point
8. G Spot 1 point
9. Sprocket 1 point

A gap has appeared at the top, but brother Shouty isn't attending the upcoming stag bender to Edinburgh, whilst former Maillot Jaune recipient the Funky Messiah is, along with second place Helmet, third place Euro and fourth place Crespo, so the fat lady has not yet warbled.