Battle of the Brews.....Dutch Beershhh

"C'mon guysh, lets go deliver some beershh!!!" a sentence anyone who has visited the Heineken Experience in Amsterdam will be familiar with. And it seemed a worthy introduction to this weeks qualifiers, the Dutch beers.

Heineken
The beer that purportedly refreshes the parts that others cannot reach, is by far the biggest selling Dutch lager on the planet, and can put in a decent claim to be the best known beer of any country. Sadly it no longer runs the "Refreshes the parts" adverts any more, and instead goes in for heavy sponsorship deals, such as the UEFA Champions League. It is now sold at its European strength of 5% ABV, after years of being sold at a cooking lager standard. It is a decent drop, no doubt, but I have to say I prefer it in Holland. It tastes a little fruity (as in fruits that grow on trees) in the UK and packs a killer hang over. On the other side of the North Sea, it tastes crisp, and doesn't leave me ligged out in bed for several hours the next day. Which is strange, because it claims to be brewed to thew exact same recipe for the last 150 years. Even if you don't like the stuff, I would recommend The Heineken Experience in it's former brewery in south Amsterdam. It's a bit cheesy, yes, but it's a good way to clear a hangover, and you get three free beers. A tip. At the end of the tour a lot of tokens are left behind by pink livered tourists, so you can get tanked free! Result!

Grolsh
The only beer I can think of, that became an actual fashion item for teeny boppers. It has always been served in a distinctive bottle, with the old flip top bottle cap, the one with a metal bar you push to open the cap. In the mid 1980's the boy b and Bros removed the caps from the bottle and wore them on their loafers, a trend followed by legions of young school girls, and fella's who should have known better. It is a the usual 5% ABV, and tastes much better, to me anyway, out of a can or bottle than on draught. A good strong taste, and a gentle come down on the old napper make this one of my faves. It is the 21st biggest producer of lager in the world, and the main brewery in Enscende is massive. I know, because I have driven past it. Now that Bros have been consigned to the dust bin of history, the bottle has returned to being a cool icon, as long as you don't use any part of it to decorate your footwear.

Oranjeboom
Translates as the "Orange Tree" and is pronounced totally different to how it looks. In Dutch it is pronounced as if you are summoning phlegm from the deepest and darkest recess of your lungs, after which you say hume instead of boom. A dutch bartender spent a considerable amount of time teaching me how to pronounce it. Not readily found in Amsterdam, as it origins were in Rotterdam. Until 1990 that is, when InBev purchased it, and moved to some faceless out of town multi purpose place. And to top it all, the wankers, in 2004 they changed the ingredients! How can they still call it Oranjeboom? This beer at one time would have been my runaway fave, but it ain't what it was, that's for sure. Rarely found in pubs anymore, it is usually found on the bargain shelves in your local supermarket.

Bavaria
You can imagine the meeting when they came up with the name;
"We need something to make people think they are drinking a beer from a place that is famous for it," says CEO of No Name INC.
"What about Bavaria Lager?" says brown nosed lackey.
"Brilliant!" says over paid idiot.
That is how I imagine a Dutch company ended up brewing a lager named for an area of Germany synonymous with excellent beer. Of course you can call a turd caviar, but it's still a turd. This 5%ABV offering can almost always be found in the special offer section at your local Co-Op. This is why it is such a favourite among the track suited 12 year olds who run amok in your local park. Given the choice of drinking this or the spunk of an Aids raddled drug addict, I would choose Bavaria, but only just.