Euro's World: April 2009

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Battle of the Brews...The British Isles

This weeks grouping is from our own green and pleasant land, plus Ireland. Wonder if you can guess what will be representing the Emerald Isle? Now as you are all well aware, these shores are not exactly renowned for the production of lager, so I am going to have to go out on a wing and a prayer when describing the local ales and bitters. This is because I am not really a fan. I am going to go for a couple, but if any real ale drinkers out there think I have missed the best one off, feel free to leave a comment.

Guinness

The national drink of Ireland, and with out a doubt the best known porter in the world. Legend has it that it tastes best when drunk on the Emerald Isle, but I think that it has more to do with the fact that elsewhere it is not served correctly. In the bars of Dublin it is poured with love and diligence, usually by bar keeps who take pride in the noble art of their chosen profession. Of course in the UK it is often served by a dim witted 19 year old chubster who thinks nothing of pulling it straight through the pump. Even worse, the landlord who doesn't look after his cellar, the result of which is the "Black Splatter." Many a pristine toilet bowl has been pebble dashed by this curse, which is often compounded by the dodgy kebab eaten on the way home. Gross. Back to the Black Stuff. It is lovely, and that's official. It is the perfect antidote for an overindulgence of lager, due to it's lack of fizz. It has an ABV of 4.3%, although the Foreign Extra Stout is in the 7.5-8% category. And isn't lovely at all.

Timmy Taylors Landlord

As I mentioned above, I am in no way to be mistaken with a real ale enthusiast, and although my first couple of years of beer drinking were as a bitter drinker, it is not my drink of choice. So why Timmy Taylors Landlord? It is the last bitter I tried, about a month ago, and I am reliably informed by folk who no about these things that it is excellent. And it's brewed just up the road in Keighley. Plus the pubs tied to the brewery almost always are of a high standard. It has an ABV of 4.3%, and as bitters go is pretty nice. Much better than Black Sheep, which to me tasted like bog water.

Belhaven Wee Heavy

Representing Scotland is Belhavens Wee Heavy, an ale that is red in colour,but has a nice easy taste. In fact too nice, and it slips down wayyyyyy to easily. It weighs in at a kick ass 6.5%, and as mentioned prior, fair flies down the throat. I missed three trains, lost my ticket, found it, lost it again, missed another train and fell out with a ticket conductor after a lengthy afternoon chugging this stuff. There are a few other brewers who sell there own variety of "Heavy" and they can vary wildly in strength, from 60/- (schilling) at 3.5% up to Wee Heavy, 90/-, which is over 6% ABV. I am returning to Scotland later in the year, and am looking forward to trying a few jars in "Diggers" my old mans favourite pub.

Brains Beer

I have only ever been to Wales once, it was 1980, and I was only thirteen years old. Now back then there was no such thing as Wacky Warehouses, kids were not welcome in pubs and off licence shop keepers asked for proof of age. This meant no beer for Brian. So, in a nut shell, I have never once sampled an alcoholic beverage that is Welsh. I am reliably informed that Brains is rather popular on the Celtic side of Offas Dyke, and I have noticed that they sponsor the Welsh Ruby Union team. I think they might actually do a lager as well, but that's pretty much all I know.

Greene King Indian Pale Ale
More commonly known by the abbreviation IPA, I have included

this because it's my favourite style of English beer. I have no particular favourite brand, the reason I picked Greene king is that it was the easiest one to find a picture of, see right. It is not particularly strong, Greene kings weighs in with an ABV of just 3.6%, but it has a fresher taste than bitter. It gets the Indian part of it's name because it was the first beer to be brewed specifically for export, I would guess by the name, to India. It probably won't get any votes, but what the hey.

Battle of the Brews...Dutch Results

Hey you Crazshy Fuckersh, you want some Shmokes and shome pancakshes? The battle of to be King of the Dutch brews ended in stalemate, so yet again we have not one but two qualifiers. It was the biggest turnout yet, and both Heineken and Grolsh could not be separated. One taste free voter even voted for Bavaria?! Saw it in the Co-Op tonight, £2.49 for a four pack tells it's own tale. The beers that have graduated to the knockout phase are as follows;

Kronenbourg 1664
Becks Vier
Corona
Budweiser
Rolling Rock
Heineken
Grolsch

Whiny JMF Crushed

The three game winning streak of the JMF was brought to a crushing end last night down the Wood, as they crumbled to an eleven goal defeat. It would appear that during this three week period, they forgot how to accept defeat. Lukelear, Jamon and the usually even tempered Dead Eye were in full whine mode. An admittedly close call on the edge of the area got Dead Eye all fired up, and when the Funkmeister clearly handled the ball, gaining an unfair advantage, both Dead Eye and Luklear went into melt down. This seemed to affect their play, and for once we made them pay in droves. A thunderbolt from Clogs got the scoring underway, and the lead was never relinquished. The good Dr Shotgun rolled back the years, and tormented MoFo team captain Jamon mercilessly, racking up an impressive scoring haul. He hit one with the outside of his left foot ( I didn't know he had one either) that arrowed in off the post. Of course he was quick to blow his own trumpet, and just after he told all and sundry that the old Parducci was back, he missed an open goal. Everybody else on the Elite played their part, Mercenary was a rock at the back, the Shoutster ran himself into the ground and I was just plain brilliant. We must have been outstanding, as afterwards Dead Eye admitted that hew had thrown in the towel. Chin up Phil! It's only a game.... Of course one swallow does not make a summer, and although it was a stellar performance, we are still three games adrift in the race to win our third consecutive "Warriors of the Wood" title.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Lefty, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Euro Bri, Dr Shotgun, Clogs, Mercenary and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 9

Euro Elite - 6

Draws - 1

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Squeaky Bum Time

Squeaky Bum Time, the eloquent words used by Sir Alex Ferguson to describe the business end of the season, a time that we are in the midst of in our Bender Squad Dream Team championship. This year the title, barring an outrageous run of results, has come down to three. Currently in pole position, is Machine who is just edging out last years champ Big John B by about ten points. Following up in third, about 50 points of the pace, is perennial almost man, and last years runner up, European Bri. After this trio there is a gap of some 100 points to young Lefty and Euros reserve team, who probably have too much to do to trouble the three teams at the top. There are approximately 4 Premier League games, plus the FA Cup final, and the last two rounds of the Champions League, so it is all still up for grabs. One last thing though. Some of you have fallen by the wayside may not have checked in lately. I would just like to draw your attention to a FREE end of season competition that the Dream team folk a running. A chance to win £20,000? Yes please! Entries to be in by 12:15 on Saturday the second of May.

Bender Alert

May is just around the corner, and that means our one truly annual Bender is fast approaching. The 30th of May is the eighth visitation of our yearly piss up for the FA Cup final. Since our first one in 2001, back when Michael Owen was good (he scored two late goals as Liverpool beat Arsenal), we have met up in Bradford town centre to have a few wagers, drink vast amounts of ale, and watch the game. During these years we have watched the game in the Bambooza twice (now called the Che bar. It's not a Cuban bar, it just has lot's of pictures of Che Guevara), the Queens hotel, three times, the Bank ( once nice, now chavtacular) and last year at Walkabout, which stinks of piss, and only sells pissy Australian lager. So this year, unless somebody else has a brain wave, it will be back to the Queens Hotel, next to Bradford Interchange. Of course we could go further afield, Leeds has been mentioned, but we shall see. Just make sure you have cleared the 30/05/09 in your diaries.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Worried.

Is it the end of the World? The swine flu outbreak in Mexico is the lead story on almost every news outlet, reported as though the four horsemen of the apocalypse could be spied on the horizon. The World Health Organization (WHO), has gone to alert level 4, two levels below full blown pandemic. Thankfully it cannot be spread thought Bacon Butties, so most of us in the UK should be safe.

Euro on Film

I was watching the News last week, and there was a story about some small village down south somewhere around the London commuter belt. The local Nimbys had gotten their knickers in a twist when they saw the Google Street View camera car pull into town. An invasion of their privacy, an on line search engine for burglars and the like they bleated. It was the proverbial non story on a slow news day, but I did get to see what the Camera car looked like. It was just a normal saloon car, but protruding from it's roof was a strange periscope like contraption, that had a 360 degree kind of camera thingy stuck on it. So imagine my surprise, as I sat by the side of the road in Keighley town, and a car with the very same contraption came rumbling down the hill. Of course, a cool, suave, sophisticated urbanite such as myself, had but one course of action. I thrust myself out of my vehicles window, gurning and waving like a country rube who finds himself in shot on a local news story. Still, if it's good enough for Liam Gallagher, it's good enough for me. I look forward to seeing if I make the final cut. One thing for sure though. I can't see the good denizens of Keighley complaining to much about their town being laid bare on Street View. There ain't nowt to nick!

Bantams 3 Millers 0

The last home game of the season, and with any chance of the play-offs a distant memory, the Bantams turned in a winning performance for the first time in nine games. This win less steak has had everybody guessing as to whether Stuart McCall will still be manager next season, after he vowed to resign if we did not make the top seven. Pre-match there was a warm reception for him, and a couple of banners pleading with him to stay. We should find out after next weeks finale away to Chesterfield. So on to the game. Our opponents wold be ahead of us in the table , were it not for a 17 point deduction, and after recent showings, I for one, expected the worst. But I should have known, after years of putting up with City, that now that there is nothing to play for, they would play like they had during the halcyon days at the begining of the season. Clarke was dropped, and Rehaman finally given an opportunity to play in his preferred centre half position again. His performance was in marked contrast to his fish out of water routine at right back. Law and Furman ran the middle of the park, and Jones gave plenty of options out wide. Thorney finally got back to scoring ways, bagging a brace in the first half, that really should have been at least a hat trick, if not four. The problem is, of the five players just mentioned, four are on loan, and our top scorer is out of contract from next Saturday.

The second half continued much the same. Rotherham created the odd chance, but looked like a team who had given up on the season. Bar the goal keeper, who single handily prevented a cricket score. He was only beaten once more, by the excellent Jones, and all that was left was for the local teenage population to stage a pitch invasion. I will reserve my season summary for the day after the season officially ends. One last piece of gossip, from a fairly reliable source, has Windass being lined up to play out his final season as a pro in the Claret and Amber. Something I am not to sure about.....

Kev Watch- A big fat zero for the first half, as he sat two rows back with Shouty, but he came good in the second half, and both him and the Shoutster proved excellent value. It will be a shame next season to be without the Right Honourable, who has had to sacrifice his season ticket due to the recession. El Grande Queso and Helmet have both stepped up to fill the void. Back to the boy Crespo Combining the two halves, I will give him a season ending 10/10. I had to. He gave me a lift..

Pie Rating- Chicken Balti. I don't get it. Bloody Awful. 2/10.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Battle of the Brews.....Dutch Beershhh

"C'mon guysh, lets go deliver some beershh!!!" a sentence anyone who has visited the Heineken Experience in Amsterdam will be familiar with. And it seemed a worthy introduction to this weeks qualifiers, the Dutch beers.

Heineken
The beer that purportedly refreshes the parts that others cannot reach, is by far the biggest selling Dutch lager on the planet, and can put in a decent claim to be the best known be

er of any country. Sadly it no longer runs the "Refreshes the parts" adverts any more, and instead goes in for heavy sponsorship deals, such as the UEFA Champions League. It is now sold at its European strength of 5% ABV, after years of being sold at a cooking lager standard. It is a decent drop, no doubt, but I have to say I prefer it in Holland. It tastes a little fruity (as in fruits that grow on trees) in the UK and packs a killer hang over. On the other side of the North Sea, it tastes crisp, and doesn't leave me ligged out in bed for several hours the next day. Which is strange, because it claims to be brewed to thew exact same recipe for the last 150 years. Even if you don't like the stuff, I would recommend The Heineken Experience in it's former brewery in south Amsterdam. It's a bit cheesy, yes, but it's a good way to clear a hangover, and you get three free beers. A tip. At the end of the tour a lot of tokens are left behind by pink livered tourists, so you can get tanked free! Result!

Grolsh

The only beer I can think of, that became an actual fashion item for teeny boppers. It has always been served in a distinctive bottle, with the old flip top bottle cap, the one with a metal bar you push to open the cap. In the mid 1980's the boy b and Bros removed the caps from the bottle and wore them on their loafers, a trend followed by legions of young school girls, and fella's who should have known better. It is a the usual 5% ABV, and tastes much better, to me anyway, out of a can or bottle than on draught. A good strong taste, and a gentle come down on the old napper make this one of my faves. It is the 21st biggest producer of lager in the world, and the main brewery in Enscende is massive. I know, because I have driven past it. Now that Bros have been consigned to the dust bin of history, the bottle has returned to being a cool icon, as long as you don't use any part of it to decorate your footwear.

Oranjeboom

Translates as the "Orange Tree" and is pronounced totally different to how it looks. In Dutch it is pronounced as if you are summoning phlegm from the deepest and darkest recess of your lungs, after which you say hume instead of boom. A dutch bartender spent a considerable amount of time teaching me how to pronounce it. Not readily found in Amsterdam, as it origins were in Rotterdam. Until 1990 that is, when InBev purchased it, and moved to some faceless out of town multi purpose place. And to top it all, the wankers, in 2004 they changed the ingredients! How can they still call it Oranjeboom? This beer at one time would have been my runaway fave, but it ain't what it was, that's for sure. Rarely found in pubs anymore, it is usually found on the bargain shelves in your local supermarket.

Bavaria

You can imagine the meeting when they came up with the name;
"We need something to make people think they are drinking a beer from a place that is famous for it," says CEO of No Name INC.
"What about Bavaria Lager?" says brown nosed lackey.
"Brilliant!" says over paid idiot.
That is how I imagine a Dutch company ended up brewing a lager named for an area of Germany synonymous with excellent beer. Of course you can call a turd caviar, but it's still a turd. This 5%ABV offering can almost always be found in the special offer section at your local Co-Op. This is why it is such a favourite among the track suited 12 year olds who run amok in your local park. Given the choice of drinking this or the spunk of an Aids raddled drug addict, I would choose Bavaria, but only just.

Battle of the Brews...Yankee Lagers the Result

It was bound to happen sooner or later, a tie. I was going to think up some elaborate mechanism to determine a clear victor. but I just can't be arsed. So in the name of bone idleness. I have decided to allow both Budweiser and rolling Rock to progress to the knock-out phase. They both join the beers listed below;

Kronenbourg 1664
Becks Vier
Corona
Budweiser
Rolling Rock

Is it Wrong??

This an advert that has been showing lately for some Japanese chocolate sticks called Mikado. Is it wrong that I get a semi on when I see it??

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Should Have Gone to Spec Savers

Now don't get me wrong, the evil arse sniffers of the JMF id on reflection probably deserve to win, but not by the nine goal margin that was the final result. It was a sloppy game by both sides, but when the good Dr Shotgun and the Right Honourable Shoutster outscore Clogs, you know your in bother. Of course letting the opposition rack up an early five goal cushion also tends to make things a little difficult. It was the first appearance in several weeks of Queen MoFo Jamon, and he and Shotgun wasted no time in sniping at each other, something that always cheers me up no end. Anyway there isn't a whole lot else to say. Funky had an exceptional night between the sticks, as did Dead Eye, who also scored a plethora of goals. Three on the bounce to the JMF.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Euro Bri, Dr Shotgun, Clogs, Two Scoops and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 9

Euro Elite - 5

Draws - 1

Monday, April 20, 2009

McBack

Yaarrghhh, ye flounder heeded urchin prodders, it be I, McEuro, back from a McFortnight of beer and McDebauchery. Non of Ye be McGuessin trhat I be in McIndiannnapoils, gassing up after me McBrush with the law. That be meanin there are three doubloons fer ye to be grabbibn. This be tough, so a clue I be givin'. It be a long sail with me old man, to a real new town. If ye get this McMercenary, I be eating me McGay wrist band.........

Where be McEurooooooo??

Paddy and Starfish

Sorry about the lack of postings over the last few days. My keyboard, somehow, was full of water and wouldn't work. Of course nobody accepted responsibility, but I was pretty fresh on Friday, so I can't fully absolve myself of blame either. This brings me nicely to a new, irregular thread, featuring two of Wibsey's finest, Paddy and Starfish. Most of you will be aware of who Paddy is, but might not be so familiar with "Starfish." I have Christened him "Starfish," because of his unhealthy fascination with butt holes. Anybody who has had the miss pleasure of seeing his mobile phone content will know exactly what, and who, I mean. Although the Brazillian fart sniffing bird is extremely funny.

It was the first time the terrible two have been out on a Friday together for quite a while, and I forgot what a hand full they are. Firstly they tried to wind me up about our lass getting "Smashed" by her new dance partner. This was to prove their word of the week, a new euphemism for intercourse, as they continued to go on about Smashing all and sundry. At one point Paddy even simulated "Smashing" my head, as he stood on a chair and thrust his groin in the direction of my right ear. It was extremely juvenile, but it was pretty funny, until they started telling us about their latest craze. It seems they like to get a few beers down them, drop a couple of Viagra, and sit around with red faces and erect penises. I pointed out that this is a little bit odd, some would say down right gay, but they didn't seem to care, and boasted how they Smashed their wives when they tired of giggling about how hard they were (Yes, amazingly, they are both married.) After an hour or so they got bored of talking about "smashing" and introduced us to their latest pub game. Both know better than to play "Shit Tashe" with us, so instead, when you were looking elsewhere, or talking to someone else, they would sneak up on you, and pinch the soft flesh on the back of your arm. Let me tell you it hurts, and I am afraid I retaliated, as did everyone else at the table, which soon descended into a playground pinch fest. All I know is that the next morning, as well as sporting the usual thick head, I was covered in bruises. I love them both to bit's, but sure am glad they don't get together on Friday that often.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Just What is the Point?

Over the last few weeks I have been running a battle of the brews thread, and as part of my research to bring you a balanced representation, I have visited many brewery sites. Budweiser, Stella Artois, Carlsberg, Becks, etc, and on each and every one you have to enter your date of birth. Why? Does viewing Internet beer sites cause intoxication? Do they feature hidden pornographic material? So why? One site, I think it was Coors even asked if I was a girl or a boy! Have they begun doing gender specific brews now? At first I thought it might be to discourage under age drinking. But then they would have to ban beer commercials on TV, and billboard posters, and to the best of my knowledge this hasn't happened. So why? I even entered my date of birth as the 11/11/1887 on the Miller Time site, and gained access. On the same site I entered my DOB as 11/11/1999 and was directed to http://www.thecoolspot.gov/ a government site for teens thinking about drinking booze. If I was born in 1999 I would only be 10 at most, and so not really a teen at all. Maybe they should have a tweenager site for the under 13's? Much weirdness.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Battle of the Brews...Yankee Beers

This week, after our sojourn through Mexico, we swim north across the Rio Grande, to the nation of my birth, the mighty U.S of A. Although this country is home to the best selling beer in the world, and has countless brews to choose from, it's brands have a poor reputation. I am sure you have all heard the joke "What does a boat and American beer have in common? They are both close to water." I do not subscribe to this school of thought, although I can understand why it has come to pass. For some reason all the chubsters in the States believe if they guzzle the "Lite" varieties on offer they will not gain weight. Bad news my American brothers, if you continue to guzzle burgers the size of small children, and refuse to exercise it won't make a blind bit of difference. All it means is that you take the mighty taste of beer and rob it of it's testicles. Drinking Lite beer is akin to drinking foul tasting water. For this reason, when possible I shall only revue the varieties that are widely available in the UK.

Budweiser
Apparently the most popular beer, by sales in the world, and without a shadow of dou

bt the best known Yankee brand name. But it is a name that is disputed by the town of Buweiss, which has brewed beer under the Budweiser name for centuries. This means in some countries it is simply known as Bud. Anyway, enough of the history lesson, and down to the essentials. Our good friends at Anheuser-Busch have been the leaders in multiple branding of it is beers, offering, lite, dry, ice, select, lime, silver and God knows what else besides. But here's a tip. Fuck 'em all and stick to the original. It doesn't have a whole lot of taste, but compared to the rest it is a riot of flavour. Most folk seem to like it out of a bottle, but again I ain't no fan. If you want to sample this stuff at it's optimum, you need a red hot summers day, and a place that sells it ice cold on draught. Try it, you might like it. Oh yeah, ABV 5% in the UK.

Coors Lite
The Silver Bullet, as it's known stateside. The latest brand to try and impose the "Lite" style of American beer this side of the pond. For those of you not familiar with what a Lite beer, is let me enlighten you. It is not, as is often perceived, a low alcohol beer. No, it is the equivalent

of diet coke. It is a beverage, that has all the natural ingredients that boost it's calorie content removed, and replaced with nasty man made chemicals that make your knob shrivel. (I made the knob shrivelling bit up) Of course all the lovely natural ingredients that give beer it's lovely all natural taste, when removed, rob it of it's lovely all natural taste. Now most Europeans are wise to this, and all attempts to successfully market it have failed. But Coors have been clever this time around. They serve the beer at a temperature of -2 degrees, and lower. When you drink something this cold, it tastes of nothing. Serve piss at this temperature and it will pretty much taste the same. Try it. And another thing. It gives you the shits big time. Awful. I would usually give the ABV around now, but I don't really give a shit what it is. If you drink this, you must have had your tongue cut out.

Rolling Rock
Formerly brewed by LaTrobe in Pennsylvannia, it has since been swallowed by t

he corporate Goliath Anheuser-Busch, which in turn was taken over by InBev, makers of Stella Artois, amongst others. It was popular on these shores a few years ago off the back of a clever advertising campaign, but is harder to find these days, particularly in pubs. Which is odd, as this pale lager actually has a bit of taste to it. Like all US beers it needs serving ice cold, but not stupid cold like Coors. A drink you would not add to your all time list of favourites, but when I am in America, particularly in the Mid West where choice can be thin on the ground, this is the brew I choose every time. Excellent on a hot day. ABV 4.6%

Miller

One of the big three American brewers, it was launched here originally in the Lite version, but swiftly re branded as just Miller, when people took it be a low alcohol content brew. Of course that didn't make a whole lot of difference, as it was pretty thin tasting stuff. An advertising campaign that relaunched the Hollies hit "He ain't heavy...he's my brother" to the number spot wasn't even enough to save this drink, and it can pretty much only be found in the bargain section of Morrisons under the Miller Genuine Draught (MGD) moniker. Best place for it, if you ask me.

Uber Keen

Somebody must have had a good time in Munich. It was only a couple of weeks ago (it already seems like ages), and I still need to square it on my plastic, but new boy Sprocket has already priced up Hamburg!! Steady on fella, got to take the trouble and strife away before I make any new Bender plans. But he did come back with a very interesting price, three nights accommodation and flights, £170. I have to admit my hand trembled over the old Mastercard, but providence prevailed. After the annual family jaunt, there is Mad Ad's Edinburgh freedom sojourn to attend, and then we can focus on our next trip to see Der Lowen play. Our destination of choice, by a margin is the port city of Hamburg, home of St Pauli, who play in the Reeperbahn area. We had hoped to take this away game in this season, but the dates were inconvenient. as in we had no cash or holiday entitlement left. Fingers crossed for 2009/10, and if fortune smiles upon us, I will be all over this deal like ugly on an ape.

Heartbreaker

One Hell of a game, and it was nip and tuck all the way, as both sides traded blow for blow. But the result went one way, and it wasn't to the side of righteousness. A draw would probably have been the fairest result, but instead a solitary goal split the sides. It is unfair to apportion blame to any player of either side, everybody played their part, but in the end the forces of limp were more clinical with there chances and won the day. The early minutes were all Euro, as the JMF were hemmed in their own half, but only a 2-0 lead was to show. This was soon pegged back to all square, and but for a brief spell midway through the game there was but a single score between both sides. Dead Eye claimed what to me looked a dubious penalty, but he was adamant that the Shoutster left his area, and as he was best placed to see it, we had no choice but to concede. In fairness, what the Hell Shouty was doing pissing about on the edge of the penalty area. is known only to his good self, in the same position I would have been inclined to claim a spot kick my self. This was not the end of the scoring, and we did reclaim the lead, and but for a wayward night shooting from the usually reliable Crespo, the result would more than likely gone the way of the Elite, but that's the way it goes sometimes. A tough game to lose, but the nefarious MoFo boys have rebuilt a three match advantage. Still no word on the injured King Dave and Jamon, the former having now been out of action since the first game of the year.

Line-ups;

JMF- Dr Shotgun, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Euro Bri, Mercenary, Clogs, Crespo and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 8

Euro Elite - 5

Draws - 1

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Battle of the Brews...Cerveza Result

A busy old week meant that the Battle of the Brews thread has skipped a week. I will post the latest qualifying stage tomorrow, but firstly, time to announce the "King of the Cerveza" round. It was by far the most comprehensive win so far, as Corona romped home by a margin. It joins the other lagers below in going forward to the finals;

Kronenbourg 1664
Becks Vier
Corona

Look in tomorrow evening, some time after nine, for the battle of the "Yankee" brews. The poll will also be good to go.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Bantams 1 Imps 1

I keep saying the Bantams next game is a must win, but then all the other teams around them fail to win, and prolong the agony. Three decent chances in the first half were spurned, twice by Boulding who was in a two on one , and failed to find the open man, and Colbeck, who had one of those days that make you wonder how in the Hell you didn't make it as a pro. Lincoln kept it tight at the back, and after a bright opening, we reverted to the big lump forward. 0-0 at half time, but the news in other games was promising. Then with just a couple of minutes gone, the woeful Graham Lee, under barely any pressure, did a full 360 degree turn, tackled himself, and let in a Lincoln striker to open the scoring. I know he was great for the first half of the season, and is the club captain, but he has been nothing short of useless of late, and to me looks in need of a break. Stick Rehman in his natural position, and not at right back where he looks like a fish out of water, and try something different. And why on earth Law was on the bench and Colbeck starting McGod only knows. But in McCalls defence, he finally did something he hasn't done all year. Made a substitution that mattered. Mullins and Law came on for Colbeck and Boulding, and all of a sudden we looked dangerous. Mullin is the bluntest of weapons, but he definitely rattled the Imps defence, and with 25 minutes remaining, Bullock equalised to set up a barnstorming finale. Thorne nearly latched onto a Mullin through ball, Jones had a decent penalty shout refused, and we began to exert decent pressure, although the best chance fell to a Lincoln striker, who headed wide, when left unmarked.

So this result leaves us two points off Chesterfield, in seventh, our last opponents of the season. More worrying, and a sign of just how poor ourselves and Shrewsbury have been, Morecambe could find themselves sweeping past both of us if they win their game in hand. I also notice on various club forums that the Omar Daley haters have gone to ground. Since his injury in late February our form has disintegrated. One win and two draws. I know it's only one player, but he did give us a different dimension, and scared the crap out of opposing teams. But for the time being, the dream, no matter how tenuously, remains alive. Next up are the Daggers, who are immediately below us, by a mere two points. If they fail to get a result in this one, I shall personally apply the last rites to our disappointing campaign.

Kev Watch- Crespo mirrored City's performance on the pitch. A bright beginning, followed by a lull, with a strong flourish at the end. At one point he seemed to be heading for "Right laugh" territory, as he went all quiet, and answered in only grunts and nods. But after I gave him a strong half time team talk, he came round nicely, and I even got a smile out of him. I think his recent form has been hampered by the fayre he is having to watch on the field of play, which is fair enough. His best line of the day was grumbling that he was paying for Colbecks wage, and thought a refund was warranted. A thought shared by everyone bar Joe's mum. 7/10

Pie Watch- Mmmmmmmm I like pie. 7/10

Buffoon Update

I totally forgot about Crespo's underpants incident. The numb skull got ratted the night before going to Munich, and packed his bags in a rush first thing in the morning. Somewhere thousands of feet above the German countryside, he announced that he had forgot to bring any under crackers or socks. We arrived at the airport, and decided to have a beer before taking off into town. Crespo disappeared for what seemed ages, and returned with a shopping bag from Espirit (I think that's what it was called) and a sheepish look. "What's up?" I asked. "I just bought two pairs of boxers, and four pairs of socks, and it came to £50!" Sprocket thought he should have fainted when they asked for that much, and I tried to get him to return them, but he wouldn't. He scores double points for getting to his hotel room, and discovering he HAD packed plenty of socks and undies after all. A definite four pointer. He also picks up a solitary score for thinking a helicopter was a funny looking plane at today's match. Just as well he is pretty..... Revised standings;

Shouty 27 points
Helmet 14 points
Crespo 11 points
Euro Bri 8 points
Pembo 4 points
Dr Shotgun 2 points
Funky 1 point
G Spot 1 point
Sprocket 1 point

Happy Easter

Wanted to write this yesterday, but had a whopper of a hangover. It was El Grande Queso's birthday bash, and I was out with Crespo, Big JohhnyM and the King of the Pixies, to name but a few. It was just a few round Bingley, but before I knew it, I was downing Glenmorangie, Vodka and somehow found myself nursing a Bacardi and Coke. I didn't feel that pissed when I left, but my, did I have a hangover the following day. One of those, "Oh my God I am dying!" variety. What made it worse, is Crespo pulled up at around five to take me for my van, which was outside the Villager in Wilsden. I couldn't be arsed getting changed, so went over in my loafing gear. Kev couldn't get up the street, so I had walk up the road, looking like the worlds scruffiest hobo, past Hefner, Bakes, Pembo and the rest to get my vehicle. Embarrassing to say the least. Any how, I am off to watch the Mighty Bantams play the Imps of Lincoln, a must win if our slender hopes of the play offs are to be maintained. I will try and get back on later with a full and frank match report, as I am currently tee total. Happy Eater, for what's left of it.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Lefty Shines

I missed the weekly tussle down the Wood, on the razz in London, so I can only report what I have been told. Shouty cried off, said he was still spaced from Munich, so Big Phil took his spot, and Crespo manfully but his weekend excess behind him to fill in for my good self. Apparently it was a good game, although Kev admitted he faded badly. Star of the show, according to his Royal Funkiness, was the returning Lefty, absent for months through a long term injury. And that is all I really can say. Scores on the doors;

Line-ups;

JMF- Lefty, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Big Phil, Two Scoops, Clogs, Crespo and Dr Shotgun

2009 Season

JMF wins - 7

Euro Elite - 5

Draws - 1

Back Again...A German Round Up

Sorry about the delay, I was out and about the last couple of days.

On this post I would like to round up our most excellent Munich trip. I had been before, to the Mighty Oktoberfest, a couple of years ago, but this was my first time perusing the streets of the town as it is 50 weeks of the year. Our first call was to rendezvous with the Swiss branch of the Bender Squad, who had arrived the day before, and seeing as we were in Germany, we decided to meet up in an Australian bar. As stupid as it sounds there was a reason, it was showing Chelsea play Newcastle, but from there it was onto the world famous Hofbrauhaus, were we got well greased. The place is loud and raucous, but it would seem we were to loud, Sprocket got told to pipe down twice, and Shouty to get his arse off the table. We fell out this joint at around midnight, and I disappeared to the hotel, with a purloined stein stuffed up my jumper. The rest headed out to a nightclub complex somewhere else, and rolled in between two and five.

The next day was TSV 1860 day, see below, and after the game we returned to the Ozzie bar to watch the Man U/Villa game. From here we did farewell to the Major and Duggy, and took off on the lash once more. We found a nice respectable Bier Keller just off town square, that took Shouty and Sprocket ages to find (they wanted to get changed, the faggots) and things began to get messy. Dance Mat was first to go, but he had to work the next day, and that is a pretty g

ood excuse. It was pushing midnight on a Sunday now, and every where was shut, but a taxi driver dropped us off at a seedy little spot that was open all night. An interesting mix of folk was amongst the clientele, from middle aged booze hounds, to hip hop kids, via some fit birds and the eponymous smattering of students. And a quartet of wankered English geezers. Me and Shouty hit the dance floor, and moon staggered to our hearts content. Everything was going swimmingly, we had acquired a posse of German mates, but one kept ruffling Sprock

ets hair, and he wasn't best pleased, so I decided to take him back to the digs. No taxis were in sight, so we decided to leg it home, and as you can guess, got spectacularly lost. Arrival time at hotel 4:15 am, closely followed by our two comrades, who got a cab.

Next morning, Sprocket and Crespo wanted to do some touristy stuff, so me and Shouty set off to see if we could drink our way through the six original bier kelleers of Munchen. First stop, Hofbrau

haus, for beer and meatballs. Next stop the Lownebrau keller, via the 1860 shop, for not one but two beers, sat in the garden on a beautiful spring day. We strolled up to the infamous fountain, seen of our skinny dipping escapades of 2007, but they had put a cover on it. Must have heard we were in town. Next call the Augistiner Keller. This was probably my favourite, so we stopped for two and a big ass pretzel. Not much pain was being felt by now, as we headed off to the Augusteiner Braustuben. It is a pity we did not discover this gem earlier. The price for a litre of Helles (lager) was around €7, which roughly works out about £3.40 a pint. In the Bruastuben a lire was a snip, at €5.50, less than £2.50 a pint. The fly in the ointment with this was the fact that we were well drunk by now. Shouty accused me of

babbling, so we fell out, and began arguing. By now Dance Mat had been in touch, so we staggered on too the underground, and headed towards the Augusteiner-Grossgaststatte beer hall. Dance Mat commented on our inebriation's, particularly mine, so we decided on some grub to try and stem the tide. And it worked. For me at least, Shouty just continued on his merry slide into oblivion.

This was the last of the beers halls we made it to, falling two shy of our target, although we had done one the night before. Sprocket and Crespo met up with us in the beer hall mentioned above, and had been on an adventure of their own, involving BMW's, naked men, the Englisher Garden and the Olympic Stadium, but seeing how I wasn't there I can't really comment. We finished the night off in a seedy dive bar near the station. How seedy? It had a vending machine full of porno in the entrance.

The beer wasn't cheap, and upstairs was a peep show area. Unfortunately, as myself and Crespo found out, it only showed videos featuring man love. What was worse, some fat greasy German dude followed us upstairs. Wonder who he fancied. Short, bald, chubby American or tall, slender pretty boy? Needless to say, we made our exit post haste.

And in a nutshell, that's it. Shouty went on his usual Buffoon burst, and rolled in at five in the morning, skint, and sporting a nice shiny skin. He hummed as well. I wasn't sure what to expect with the Oktoberfest not being on, but if truth be told, I think I preferred Munich without the massive crowds. All I can say is, it is one Hell of town for a beer bender. Prost!

For a full online Gallery click here.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Catching Up

Right, I was hoping to get all caught up today, but the best laid plans and all that. The Elster dragged me off out and about, and seeing as I hadn't seen much of her since last Friday, I couldn't really say no. So that means I have to a quick overview of our most excellent Bender, do the scores form the Wood game on Wednesday night ( I was in London so didn't play) and sort out the last round of battle of the brews and upload the new one. Of course the Elster has plans for me tomorrow as well, and not good stuff like rodgering all day, but being dragged off to the coast or something like. So do not despair, I am on it, but everything will be a day behind this week. As you can see below, I managed a buffoon update, and the match report from the 1860 game. I have also, for anybody interested, posted the photos taken to he Bender Squad Gallery site, which can accessed by clicking here. Rome was not built in a day.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Der Lowen 1 Vfl Osnabruk 1

It was a relief to get away from the Bantams grim performances for a change, but we were met by one that was not a whole lot better. Osnabruk are currently a cats cock hair off the relegation zone, but you would not have guessed it in the first half. Time and again they came forward, and when in the fifteenth minute, Heidrich broke through one on one with the keeper and scored, it was barely a surprise. TSV were struggling to string two passes together, as Osnabruk created, and spurned several chances. But the best chance of the first 45 minutes fell to Benny Lauth, who after latching onto a poor back pass, had only the keeper to beat. Instead of shooting he, tried to go around the keeper, and put the ball into touch. This was met with a chorus of "Are you Conlon in disguise" by myself and Shouty.

The manger must of put the mother of all rockets up Der Lowens backsides during

the half time interval, as they looked a different team. All of a sudden it was the purple shirts of VFL who were on the back foot. The game got a little ugly, and some X rated challenges began to fly in. Of course the reaction by fouled players of both teams was Shakespearean to say the least, after all we were in the land of Klinsman, but the referee did a pretty good job of spotting the play acting. With game reaching the hour mark, TSV made a good chance, that at first seemed to have been spurned, but good play Johnson, who chased down a ball that looked to be heading for touch, turned the ball back from the byline, where Lauth was lurking. Benny made up for Conlonesque miss in the first half, and found the bottom corner to le

vel the game. The last half hour saw 1860 press forward, but with ten minutes left, VFL nearly took all three points, when first half scorer Heidrich rattled the crossbar. Lars Bender didn't play, out injured, but brother Sven put in a good shift in the midfield, although he was booked. 35,800 showed up for the game.

This means mid table mediocrity beckons. Der Lowen are ten points of play off place FC Nürnberg,in third, with only 8 games remaining. Yes, this does seem enough time to turn it around, but dropping points at home against opposition like Osnabruk is not a good omen. Unfortunately relegation seems more of a possibility, we are only seven points off the third from bottom, but we have a far superior goal difference to any of the teams in the bottom half of the table.

Major Watch- As we were abroad, I have decided to bump Crespo Watch in favour of the Bender Squads favourite Swiss geezer, The Major. Along with Duggy and Dance Mat, he

had been in Munchen a day longer, and thus had been on the lash longer. He was a bit worse for wear, but stuck to the task in hand, and unlike myself, Crespo and Shouty managed not spill his ale. But he scores a shed load of points for getting us in to the stadium, in €20 seats no less, for the princely sum of €2! A tout was outside, and pulled me to one side, but being half cut and as fluent in German as a dead goldfish, what he was saying passed right over my head. Luckily the Major is from a country that posses a good educational system, and understood that he had seven tickets, and only wanted €14 for the lot. He also looked very fetching in his sparkling new TSV sweatband. 9/10

Wurst Rating- Alas, the great British pie doesn't travel well on the Continent, and the likely hood

of coming across one in Europe is slim to non existent. Add to this that almost no one fancied any grub, and we nearly didn't have a food rating at all. Just as well we had the eating machine Sprocket with us. All weekend he grazed around Munich, and the Allianz was no exception. He had a hot dog, that looked well tasty, tell he got a bit heavy handed with the Ketchup and mustard. the Wurst was good, and the mustard even better, but the ketchup made it well messy. It is for this reason I have no picture, as I didn't want my camera covered in red sauce. Instead it is a picture of him eating in a Brau Haus, something that was not difficult to find. 6/10

Le Grande Buffoon 2009.....A German Update

Beer, and lots of it, served in massive glasses by buxom wenches at your table, is a recipe for one thing. Buffoonery by the bucket full. I am going to try and remember all of it, there was plenty, and award as necessary. A point each straight off the bat for Crespo and Sprocket, for fucking with my camera, and then pretending that they hadn't touched it when it wouldn't work properly. Crespo also picks one up, along with Shouty, for going out before we went away, pretending to loose his passport, and then ringing me every 15 minutes to try and wind me up. At 4 o'clock in the morning. I probably did something stupid so I'll take a point just for the Hell of it. So now we move on to brother Shouty. He seems to think he is persecuted on this thread, and we give him far too many points that are not deserved. See what you think.

He went out on the first evening, and ditched everybody else to go to a German techno club. He stayed till around five-ish, and made his way back to the Hotel. In the lift you had to insert your card into a slot, so you could make it work. He did this, and wondered why there seemed to be a lack of movement. the doors opened, and our Hero found himself back on the ground floor. But unlike anybody else, who would have figured out that the lift had not moved, he thought he had discovered a new floor with a different reception area, that looked exactly like the one he had passed through only minutes before, Maybe he thought he had discovered a parallel universe. In his defence he did eventually work out his idiocy himself, so instead of a full blown eejit, he gets a muppet, worth 2 points.

At Manchester Airport, we arrived at the same time as a bunch of Porto fans, in town to watch their team take on Manchester United. There were loads of them, and it took us quite a spell to get through customs because of this. After clearing, and picking up our bags, we boarded the train. Imagine myself and Sprockets surprise when he asked us wether or not United were at home! "No mate," I replied " all those Porto fans have flown over here to watch it on the telly." No matter which way you paint it, it is a textbook eejit rating, and worth 4 points.

Lastly, and he gets this one for doing my napper in on the final morning, he decided he didn't want to sleep in his own bed, and took up residence on the floor between me and Sprocket. This was fine, until he decided to start playing tunes on his mobile phone. He was momentarily shown the door. I will let him off with just a knob head, 1 point.

I may have missed some out, I was well greased on several occasions, and may have to do an abridged update later, but the tally for the weekend stands at Shouty-8, Crespo- 2 and myself and Sprocket with a solitary point each. This means the "Buffoon table now looks like this;

Shouty 27 points
Helmet 14 points
Euro Bri 8 points
Crespo 6 points
Pembo 4 points
Dr Shotgun 2 points
Funky 1 point
G Spot 1 point
Sprocket 1 point

A gap has appeared at the top, but brother Shouty isn't attending the upcoming stag bender to Edinburgh, whilst former Maillot Jaune recipient the Funky Messiah is, along with second place Helmet, third place Euro and fourth place Crespo, so the fat lady has not yet warbled.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Bender Ahoy!!!

The sun is out, I haven't been at work for the last couple of days, and my credit card bill isn't due for at least another week. So things are looking grand. And to top it all off, I am off to Munich tomorrow morning!! Hurrah!! Stuff the credit crunch, and tell the British Medical Association to stick it up their arse, as I intend to eat loads off sausage (quiet in the back) and binge drink my self back to the dark ages. TSV 1860 are at home on Sunday, and although their season looks to destined for mid table mediocrity, we shall be there to cheer Der Lowen on. And drink more beer. I have checked the weather report on the Beeb, and they are forecasting rain, but what do they know? All our weekends around Europe have been accompanied by glorious sunshine, and I am sure the Lord Almighty will shine his sun upon us. If I can get near a PC whilst we are there, I will try and post an update, but don't hold your breath...

Auf Weidersehn..

Off the List...

As regular readers will know, Subway was recently put on the "Tesco List" of places I whose doors I will not darken. Their crime? They started putting only three meatballs in their six inch sub, instead of the regulation four, and still charged the same price. I considered this to be scandalous, especially considering the fact that they ain't cheap to begin with. But it was brought to my attention by brother Sprocket, that the price had been dropped to £1.79, for a limited time, for the six inch Meatball Marinara. I was tempted, but still withheld my custom, until earlier this week. I was down Legrams Lane business park, when I spotted the poster advertising the aforementioned deal. On the poster, it featured a mouth watering picture of a Meatball sub, and it featured four meatballs. "Right" I thought, "if they try and give me four I will point them in the direction of their own advertisement, and demand my extra sphere of meat!" But I didn't have to, as without prompting, my server placed the correct amount of M'balls on my sub. So they are now officially off the list, but I shall remain vigilant. ( Of greater concern is the recent Daily Mail expose, showing a Subway worker stuffing lettuce up his nose, and then putting it back on display. Just as well I eat me Meatball sub salad free....see story here)

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Battle of the Brews....El Cerveza

Buenos Dias Muchachos, this week we go all Latin, as we check the Cerveza brews of Spain and Mexico. Most of these brands were first sampled on package holidays, and have made their mark in the UK. I have chosen two extremely well known ones, one that is hardly seen, and one Brazilian one, which is a bit of a cheat, but what the Hell.

San Miguel

Well they say you learn something new everyday, and today I found out that San Miguel is in fact a beer from the Philippines! The best selling beer in south east Asia in fact. Hmmm. It was founded by a Spanish geezer in Manila. But for our purposes it is going to represent Spain, because I can't be arsed changing this section around now. Of course the reason I thought it was from the Iberian peninsula is not just it's name, but the fact that it was the first place I'd seen it and tried it, they sponsor the Spanish La Liga coverage on Sky Sports, the adverts depict three guys out on the razz in what resembles a Spanish town and it sounds Spanish. Blimey. Vital statistic ABV 5%. It tastes great ice cold on a hot day, and has a very agreeable flavour. I would not count it as one of my all time favourites, but if presented with this brand as an only choice, I would not be duly upset either.

Corona

This is one I truly do not get. Never mind the fact that it doesn't taste particularly fine, but what the fuck is that slice of lime all about?? Of course this is just the opinion of a short bald fella, I seem to be in a minority, as it appears to be extremely popular, especially in the USA. I admit it tastes pretty good alongside a spicy enchilada (sans fruit of course), but never in a million years would I settle down for a major session of the stuff. It has an ABV of 4.6%, and to my mind tastes best chilled to an Antarctic temperature. In the Antipodes you can buy it on draft, but this begs the question "Where do you stick the fruit?"

Brahma

A Brazilian lager, only on sale in the United kingdom for the past couple of years. Formerly Brazil's best selling brand, it is now part of a huge brewing conglomerate, Inbev, and was to be marketed at a more upmarket clientele. It was originally from Sao Paulo, and has an ABV of 4.8%. I have yet to see it sold on draught, but it can be found in most chain pubs in bottle form. The bottle itself is pretty cool, and it isn't a bad taste, a bit like Corona, but with a more taste. I personally can't see it being a huge success over here, it is a little bit poncey, but who can tell. The fact that it is no longer the top of the tree in Brazil, tells it own tale. "Which lager outsells it now?" I hear you ask. Skol. Enough said.

Negro Mode

lo
I promised you something different, and here it is, Negro Modelo. Like Leffe, Modelo has two styles, pale and dark, and although the pale is a decent enough drop, it is the dark one I am going to put forward on the vote. Although it looks like an ale, it is a lager, and has some fizz. It comes in the famous Modelo bottle, that has an offset neck, allowing for easier drinking. So they say. It will not be to all tastes, especially fans of the beers mentioned above, as it actually does have a taste. The Shoutster might not be so keen, as it resembles in many ways the Alt style of beer, although Modelo brands it self as a Vienna lager. It has a very healthy ABV of 5.4%, and is nigh on impossible to find in the UK, since JD Wetherspoons ditched it in favour of the Eastern European brews favoured by the latest wave of immigrants. If you do come across it, perhaps in a Mexican restaurant, give it a go, I highly recommend it.

Battle of the Brews: The Cooking Lagers....Result

The poll has closed, thank you for taking the time to vote, and the result is in. Going forward to battle it out as the king of the Bender Squad Brews, representing the cooking lagers, is ............................. Becks Vier!! There were more participants this week, and until Wednesday, Carlsberg looked to be odds on for the finals, but a late burst from Becks Vier saw it home. It joins Kronenberg in the round robin elimination round.

Kronenberg 1664
Becks Vier

Gender or Bender? Madrid....

Hola amigos! After a lengthy break it is time for yet another "Gender or Bender." in which I give my esteemed opinion on whether a destination is worthy of a boozy, hedonistic trip with infamous Bender Squad, or a place full of romance and culture to earn brownie points with a member of the opposite sex (Gender). As you may well have gathered by the breezy salutation at the beginning of the paragraph, this week we are headed for the Iberian peninsula, and it's largest metropolitan, Madrid. Let us put the case for the capitol of Spain, and see if it it either a Gender or indeed Bender....

Price- Another place that has fallen foul of the crumbling price of Sterling. on our visit four years ago it wasn't particularly cheap, but neither was it expensive, something that I f

igure may have changed drastically, if the prices that are being reported from mainland Spain and the Canaries are anything to go by. The night clubs were mucho expensive when we last went, and I would hazard that they will now be eye wateringly so, as in €10 for a bottle of Heineken! The Tapas bars off the tourist path are far better value. This was off set by the cost of getting there, but even the budget airlines are bumping up there price, Hotel accommodation was good value. Cheap and a high standard, I highly recommend the Carlos V, a Best Western, just off the Pueta del Sol. Great location, modestly priced. 4/10

People- Madridlenos are a friendly bunch, and boy do they know how to party. As in most of Spain, nobody ventures out much before 10 at night, and in most cases later, but they give it big ones with the best. The taverns around Santa Anna or a good start, as is the Plaza Ma

yor. Watch out for the shorts, there measures are huge. Of course Jamon barely lasted the course, in typical Englishman abroad, he got wankered by the time everybody else was going out, but to his credit a quick kip soon turned it around, and he was out till dawn. As mentioned prior, the night clubs are expensive, but when you are getting down with your bad self in a converted 18th century palace, complete with gold plated taps in the toilets, it seems a small price. Each room had a different vibe, I found myself grooving to some cool beats in one chamber, and then in the next cracking an imaginary whip to "Holding out for a hero" by Bonnie Tyler, in the next. I have had the pleasure of visiting thousands of night clubs in my life, from one roomed shit holes such as Porky's in Bingley, to the super clubs of Home and Cream in England, and this is the best I have been in. It is called Palacio de Gaviria, and it may have changed in the preceding four years since I last went, but is worth checking out for the interior alone. Check the website here. Anyway back to the locals. Mucho fit. 9/10

Stuff- A great place for stuff to do, ranging from two top tier football teams, to three of the finest art galleries in Europe, if not the planet. The football team that is synonymous with this fine city is of course Real Madrid, who have a valid claim to be the greatest sport fra

nchise in the universe. Tickets are not easy to come by, but the Bernabeau is a fantastic place to see a game. We were lucky enough to there at the height of the "Galacticous" era, and saw all of them play. Becks, Zidane, Raul, Figo, Roberto Carlos et al all made an appearance. One thing I would suggest if you are to take in a game though, pay a premium for a decent game, eg Barcelona or Valencia, as the atmoshere was a little subdued when we saw the beat Malaga. The other option is Athletico, the Man City of Spanish football, although they do make sporadic showings in the champions league. The are three world renowned art galleries. The Prado is considered one of the three greatest in Europe, stuffed full of masterpieces by the good and the great. The Reina Sofia focuses very much on the modern and temporary. It's major claim to fame, however, is that it hosts Pablo Picasso's most celebrated work "Guernica." It is a piece that proved beyond Jamon, who thought is bore a resemblance to the Morrisons at Girlington on a Friday afternoon. Lastly is the Thyssen Bornemisza Museum. It host a collection that spans the centuries, and is laid out in chronological order, and is my personal favourite. If none of these options appeals, there is shopping that caters for the budget to the pricey. But the best thing to do is find a bar with outside seating, I liked the Plaza Mayor, and watch the world go by. 10/10

Reputation- For some reason Barcelona seems to be the Spanish city destination of choice, and although it has it's undoubted charms, I prefer Madrid. More laid back, a better transport system, and friendlier locals. Yes King Dave got his mobile lifted by a pack of feral gypsies, but by comparison with the Catalan capitol, you didn't have to be as on your toes, particularly at night. One of the greatest places I have been to for a full blown bender. 8/10

Intrigue- The lure of going to see Real Madrid will always get interest flowing for the lads, as will shopping for the trouble and strife. But as a stag night/bender destination, everybody seems to want to go elsewhere. It's not a seedy as some of the other towns reviewed on this thread, but it is a killer night out. 8/10

Verdict- 39/50 A tough one. It is the perfect place to take her indoors for a weekend, one of the best I would opine, but the night life just swings it back..... Beer and Tapas with the Chapas...BENDER

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

They Think it's All Over....

Geoff Hurst vs West Germany 1966, Alan Sunderland vs Man Utd 1978, Michael Thomas vs Liverpool 1989, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer vs Bayern Munich 1999 and Barry Conlon vs Lincoln City 2007. These are some of the greatest last minute winners ever scored in the history of football, and tonight I can add another last gasp score to this esteemed list. April the First 2009. The clock is clicking slowly towards 21:00 hours, and the nefarious JMF are surging forward, desperate to break the deadlock against the Righteous boys of the European elite. There is a break in play, the time 20:59:45, and the ball works it's way to Two Scoops Hamilton, who with a shimmy and a drop of the shoulder makes space. The time is now 20:59:51, and with a sweep of his left foot, the ball slips through the inside post of Funkys goal, and ripples the back of the net, seconds before the bell sounds. VICTORY!!! The look on the aforementioned Funksters face was priceless.

Of course it should never have come to this late flourish. The Elite had the upper hand throughout the early exchanges. Yes it was tight, and the game was evenly matched, with no shortage of skill from either side, as demonstrated by Young Gaz slipping my good self the pig, and my revenge, leaving both Dead Eye and Luklear in my wake with a Messi like spin and run. But at the half way mark there was one team clearly in front, as we opened a five goal lead. Of course we fell into the exact same trap as the week before, going all Arsenal and trying to walk the ball into the net instead of killing the game off. This was fine and dandy, at first, but the MoFo found a saviour yet again, this time in the guise of the diminutive Young Gaz, who began to punish some slack defending. We still created chances, but they were now being spurned, apart from one that Dead Eye let slip between his legs. Shotgun left Sundays form behind, but still the score was finally dragged back to all square. To be quite honest, a repeat of last weeks capitulation looked on the cards, as the JMF swarmed forward looking to grab yet another unwarranted win. It was at this point Two Scoops stepped forward to claim immortality. Only one in it, and at the moment, it could go either way.

Line-ups;

JMF- Dr Shotgun, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Mercenary

2009 Season

JMF wins - 6

Euro Elite - 5

Draws - 1

Knackered

I have been suffering from yet another bout of extreme idleness as of late. At first I was worried it might have been the start of the so called "Male Menopause," but the fact that I still get a Chubby without much effort put me off this idea. The fact that said Chubby is good for only one use in a day, unlike the several that used to arise no matter how much use, is immaterial. It can't be the start of the mid life crisis. For a start I have never really ventured beyond the mind set of a twenty year old, and have absolutely no urge to purchase a sports car or start wearing designer clothes that only succeeded in making me look even older. No, I think I can pin it to one thing. I haven't been drunk for a fortnight. My body is beginning to realise it is in it's forth decade. Good nights sleep, feeling alright in a morning, knowing what day of the week it is and not being flat broke, have upset my internal body clock. Thankfully I am now work free for the next week and a half, and aim to get myself back in to shape. First up this weekend is a blow out in Munich, three days of Wurst, Beer and Male Bonding. I will be back up to speed in no time, so expect a blizzard of activity over the coming fortnight.