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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Great Bender Towns


The problem with getting older is that a lot of your old watering holes cease to exist, a thread I will be running at a later date. So I am expanding the Great Bender Bars postings to include towns and cities that are prime sites for partaking in the gentlemanly and honourable pursuit of the Bender.

The inaugural choice was an easy one to make, a place tailor made for buffoonery and high jinks, Amshterdam, you crazshy English Mother Fuckershhs. Compact, seedy, an hours plane journey away and the locals all speak the Anglais in that cool "Lets deliver shome beershhs" accent. Hotel of choice is the Prins Hendrik, close to the station and the red light, and for Shouty, located close to the Cock Ring. Primo bars in the window district are The Ship, which satisfies our pirate roots, Durty Nellies, an Irish bar that does cheap accommodation, Guinness and is home of Jerry, who once saved me the ginga ninga, Sandro, the bonester and Dutch from freezing our bollox off. The Hill Street Blues is a good spot for drinkers and smokers, the Grasshopper is only worth visiting if you are a smoker. Only Shouty has been brave enough to sample the cock ring, so you'll have to ask him what its all about. Sadly the legendary Teasers was shut down last time I was there, the Tequila Slammers will be sorely missed. But the must visit drinking hole for a gang of greased up geezers is without a doubt the legendary BannaBar. At first the 50 euro entrance charge seems steep, but all drinks are included for the first hour, to get your moneys worth go for the shorts. DO NOT GO OVER YOUR HOUR. It gets expensive in a hurry, and the bouncers are the largest MoFo's this side of King Kong. Inside the floor show is what makes it, I will not go into too much detail, but be wary of flying dildo's. The girl who sign a card with her putang is priceless, but alas no longer free. This is the night club where a flying Shoutster dive bombed a passing dingy in the canal outside. Of course there are some unsavoury characters about, Tommo, Mad Ad and Shoutys dad have been pick pocketed. Shouty and jamon paid 50 euros for some grad A talcum powder, and even I have purchased crushed aspirins in the belief it was something else. At least I didn't have a headache all weekend. The mighty Gster was mugged. The peep show is a laugh, but the wank booths are far too comfy, a fact I can testify to after falling asleep in one, mid stroke.

Of course there is more to the city of canals, the other bender spots are around the Leidseplein and Rembratsplein. The latter is the location of Escape, one of the towns best clubs. it is where Shouty broke up the local break dance crew to show them how it was done, and where King Dave had to run for his life after managing to upset the local chapter of the Crips. The Leidseplien has the less flashy Milky Weg, which has a less stringent door policy and is a useful back up to Escape, although the music is eccentric to say the least. The square itself is not unlike Leicester Square in London, and features Amsterdams first hash cafe the Bulldog, which has a nice bar upstairs for watching the weirdos go by. Across the square is a bar that does frozen cocktails, i.e. Margarihtas, that could fell an elephant. If steak is your meat of choice the Argentine restaurants are the place for you. Not to far away is the perfect hangover spot and well known tourist trap, the Heineken Experience. it is cheap enough to enter, and you get three free beers, although there always seems to be spare tokens floating around to get more in. Nearby are numerous little local bars, which are a damn sight cheaper than around the red light district, and all seem to be staffed by sexshy local birds, particularly the one on the corner opposite the Experience. It was here the boy asked for a small beer, and the serving wench called him a pusshy.

I could continue to report on numerous other tales of buffoonery and mirth, but fear that in doing so I would breach our sacred motto,"Quod inter amicos accidit, inter amicos manet"
All in all a strong argument could be made for Amsterdam to be awarded the Bender Capital of the World, but I feel there are many strong contenders to the title, some which have been visited, and many that have not. Long may the search continue.
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