The decks have been cleared, and it is all systems go for the Rochdale game on the 19th of January. It is our first away sojourn of 2008, and we are looking for an early start in town, and then off to the 'Dale by ways of train. I will be expecting everyone to try at least one variety of pie, as according to the rough guide to English footie, it is amongst the top three for pastry filled savouries. Much beer will be drunk, and it would be nice to see Paul-cano, Pembo, Aki etc. there as well. So mark it in your diaries, and lets get '08 off to a bender.
Useless Rochdale F.C. Facts
Comedy legend Tommy Cannon (of Cannon and Ball fame) was chairman in the 1980's
The Dale have been in the basement division of English professional football since 1974, longer than any other team.
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Friday, December 28, 2007
Spicy Soup Day
This Saturday is something that is known as "Spicy Soup Day", among certain denizens of Shipley, namely the Right Honourable's Saltaire crew. From what I can gather it involves going to a pub in Otley, having some spicy soup, and then getting as wankered as possible. The Shoutster claims it is some kind of ritual that they have undertaken over several years, and I have decided this year to join them. It clashes with a city game (versus Hereford), but we can get a train up there after the match. The boy Dazzler has given a cautionary "yes", but Crespo is bleating on about having to work the next day. Anybody else who wants to partake, "the more the merrier", as they say. We are likely to end the evening in the Gala casino at InnitWorld, at the bottom of Leeds Road, Bradford.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Bantams 2 Imps 1
It seems ages since there was a Bantams game to write about, the last one being postponed, but the Boxing Day fixture has become something of a tradition, and this year the Funky Buffoon and the Mercenary joined in. Skid and Helmet nearly did, but when they found out they had to sit in the Kop, miles from where we were, they buggered off to the Prune Park Inn. Lincoln have changed mangers since we last played them, and their new appointment was none other than Peter Jackson, a favourite target of abuse, although i am sure Sol Campbell wouldn't approve. The first goal was a well executed finish by Peter Thorne, although I am relying on Crespos word for this as me and Funky were still downing a beer on the concourse. The rest of the match was the usual city fare. They seemed to be coasting along, choosing to pass instead of shoot when in scoring positions, when out of the blue the Imps equalised. The game was drawing to a close, and another two points seemed to have been squandered when....
Baz Watch;
Came on after 78 minutes. Resplendent in shiny white boots. Immediately made impact by starting to win headers that seemed beyond Big Dave and Thorne. With the clock showing 90 minutes, Bazza trundled into the opposition box, and found himself in space as Omar slipped the ball across the goal mouth. Our hero made to slot the ball to keepers right, when the ball stuck him and went in the opposite direction to the wrong footed keeper, to slowly trickle over the line for a GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bazza, Bazza, Bazza!!! Big Baz for Ireland!! The crowd went bananas, the legend will surely continue to grow. Bring on Hereford, the Bazmeister is primed and loaded to fire us onwards and upwards.Baz Watch;
There is no grub rating this week, as I was stuffed full of Turkey and beer, and didn't feel up to the indigestion explosion that Valley Parades food is capable of inflicting. See you Saturday
Internet Shopping: A Cautionary Tale
Well another Christmas has passed, and I hope you all had a good one. Now I know Xmas is supposed to be all about family and brotherly love for our fellow man, but deep down it really comes down to one thing. Presents. The more the better. Now I know this is rather shallow of me, and I do enjoy spending the day with my nearest and dearest, but you just can't beat getting presents. This year the outlaws asked what I wanted, and as i was having to order some wristbands for young Ike, I decided to pick up a couple of TSV 1860 hats, to keep my bare bonce warm. So I looked through their online shop and picked out a couple of titfer's that looked all right. The problem was though that neither was modelled on antibody's head, it was basically a picture of said item, so you had no idea what it looked like on. Well that's my excuse any way, for this bonny bonnet;
Lovely isn't it. Well it provided the lads down the footie on Boxing day with much mirth. The other hat looks pretty cool, but the Elster has designs on it. So beware when purchasing hats on the old Internet.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Mother of All Hangovers Finally Eases
What can I say, kicked off the festive season with a cross group bender that I have just about recovered from. It started out innocently enough down the George, but with the full Wibsey Clown Posse out on the razz, it was always gonna get messy. The early lowlight involved Glyn, who carried out a strange, and to be honest, quite repulsive Wibsey joke on a poor unsuspecting drunk. It is called a shit 'tache, and involves one of the WCP (Wibsey Clown Posse) rubbing his index finger in his arse crack, and then wiping it under one of his mates noses. And you thought they were strange in Wilsden. It was pretty funny watching the look on the guys face though. We were joined by the Boy Dazzler, Mossy, Shotgun, big JohnnyM and even Tony Helmet showed his face before heading off to the Park pub to hook up with Queso, Gster and the Shoutster. By know things were getting rowdy, Shouty opened his buffoon account for the year, drunkenly trying to get money out of a broken cash machine, that was literally in pieces. The look of bemusement on his face was memorable The buffoonery wasn't just confined to the Right Honourable though, we were asked to sup up and leave after a pretty dumb indiscretion by my good self. Into Bradford town centre it was, and let me tell you what a shithole it is. Lloyds wasn't to bad, but anybody feeling an urge to go looking for some late drinking in Bradford should reconsider, post haste. It is grim. After throwing down shorts and shapes in Lloyds, we were refused entry to one gaffe, and the one that did let us in, would have done us more of a favour by following the other ones lead. So after about an hour, JohnnyM got bad vibes, and ushered us all out into the freezing cold, where, through booze fuelled shenanigans, we manged to get separated. I ended up leaving the remaining members of the WCP getting down with their bad selves in the Mill, and rolled home at around three a.m., not resurfacing until four p.m., to be met by the shit storm that is a pissed off Elster. Just what you need when you believe you have tumor the size of a watermelon wedged between your ears. So today's been spent trying to get back into the good books for Christmas. This is just my sad little version of events, apparently everyone made it home, and I will fill in the blanks as my memory recovers, if it ever does. Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
JMF Win
But we don't care. 2007 belongs to the Righteous Euro E. Battle re-commences on the second of January 2008.
Get a Grip Campbell
Big burly Sol Campbell has been bleating today on the BBC about how out of hand the abuse at football has become. He rang in to the Beeb to raise the issue of his human rights being compromised by verbal abuse, then refrains from giving any examples. What the HELL are people like him thinking?!? This is the man who strung along the club that had nurtured him from schoolboy to full international, claiming he was ready to sign a contract, only to spit in their faces and sign a reported £100,000+ a week contract with their bitterest rivals on a free transfer? Get a grip man! He wants to remember what it was like back in the seventies and eighties, when Afro-Caribbean players had bananas hurled at them, then he might have something to complain about. And what about the abuse we see these poor little flowers hurl at referees and opponents week in and week out. What about Alfie Inge Haalands "human rights" when Roy Keane finished his career with a snarling rant using both the f and c expletives?? Fergie even prides himself on his so called "hairdryer" treatment of young players, that in any other field of employment would see him up on charges. Football as a spectacle is dying in this country, with over eager stewards and police and the cost of going to a match, without out some empty headed fuckwit imploring the government to get involved. Get this current crop of left leaning do gooders involved and before you know it we will be banned from raising our voices at any stadiums. You just know it will be fan favourites like Ashley Cole and Joey Barton who will be ready to back him up. It is just another reason why you can take your Premier League, and all it's overrated hyperbole and stick it up the players over paid whingeing sphincters.
McHattrick
YYarrghhhh, ye foam headed window lickers, I be scoring a hat rick of victories, as yet again none of ye could figure that I be larding me love handles in McBlackburn, Lancashire. This be meanin' there be a Christmas prize of three doubloons to be earned if ye can be guessin';
"Where be MMMMcEEEuroooo??"
Textin' Fool
It must be the time of year, but after having the Right Honourable sing me a song about falling in love on my mobile phones answer service, I received a text professing undying love by none other than Dr Shotgun. I was very surprised to say the least, and a phone call soon followed from the good doctor, blaming his new phone and claiming it was meant for his missus. All I can say is, don't worry about it Shotgun, I am a lovable guy after all. Just keep that mistletoe you've been saving to yourself. On a more serious note, a few of us are getting together this Friday down the George for a drunken Xmas knees up, so if you are in the vicinity drop in.
Monday, December 17, 2007
TSV Whip Someone 5-0
TSV go into the German winterbreak on a high as they spanked some team called FC Erzgebirge Aue 5-0 on Sunday, to sit in sixth place, just two points out of the promotion places. Unbelivebly they don't play a league fixture again till the third of February. It wouldn't wash over here I'll tell ya. Still, if I were a bundesliga player, I'd be made up, as they take off to play some half arsed tournaments somewhere sunny. Nice. So the focus now lies solely on the Mighty Bantams. This weeks game was called due to a frozen pitch, which is slightly embarassing as every other team in the region seemed to be able to play. So unless we shake off our hangovers to go to Peterboro', our next game is Lincoln City at home on Boxing Day.
Singin' Fool
Well my home made remedy for battling man flu was, alas, rubbish. It resulted in me being ligged in bed till one o'clock Sunday afternoon, and not venturing more than two metres for the rest of the afternoon. It was worth it though for the few hours releif it gave from spluttering flem and feeling like shite. It was my works Xmas shindig, adn it was agreed with the Shoutster and Crespo that after I finished up in Leeds, I would catch the last train to meet up with the gruesome twosome in Shipley. The problem was though, that the Bantams match had been postponed, and the deadly duo had retreated to the boozer for an all dayer. Of course after swilling a shed load of beer, champgne and Jim Beam, I made my way to Shipley to hook up with our erstwhile heroes. Imagine my surprise when i rang them up to find out which watering hole they were in to find out they had gone into Bradford, and refused to leave. After a couple more beers, I decided to call it a night and ordered a taxi home. Little did I know Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum would spend the early hours of Sunday morning bombarding me with texts and messages imploring me to join them on their downward spiral towrds oblivion. This was probably the pick of the messages left on my mobile, although I am more than a little worried about the Shoutsters choice of song to serenade me with. Even more puzzling was why he thought it would entice me out of my nice warm bed.....
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Man Flu
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Season of Goodwill
This blog is well known for its frivolity and nonsense, and although I aim to continue along these lines over the years, I thought with the festive season fast approaching, it was time to set aside the usual shenanigans, and draw everybody's attention to a serious matter that blights the area we call home. It is there for all of us to see whether you reside in Bradford, Leeds, Keighley, Skipton, Manchester and in particular Halifax. It upsets children, and often causes nausea in both men and women. I am of course referring to the chubby bloaters who insist on wearing crop tops and waisters, leaving their lardy abdomens on view for all to see. The winter months are of course the most upsetting, as the texture of the stretched skin often takes on a chopped liver consistency, full of blue veins, and causing the numerous stretch marks to stand out even more vibrantly than usual. I have no problem with them being fat, but is it to much to ask for them to keep it to themselves? These people, usually female, although even more worryingly there have been sightings of the male variety, are often spotted in what can only best be described as herds, more often than not grazing on some form of pastry purchased from Greggs. As they stick rigidly into these so called herds, it is my conclusion that they have no idea how repulsive they look to the rest of us. So in the spirit of brotherly love I am today launching "Mirror Aid", a new charity, yet to be registered, that aims to provide these clueless heifer's the means to see how ridiculous they look, and to hopefully shock these misguided lard arse's into covering up. If you are unable to to give a mirror, please feel free to shout "PUT IT AWAY!!" at any stray wobblers, but be wary of using this action when confronted by a herd, as if they gain any kind of momentum during a charge they can be difficult to stop. Don't worry too much about their feelings, just remember who is really offending who.
JMF Relinquish Title
After much cheating and skulduggery resulted in the rent boy chasing JMF winning the in 2006, it is my great pleasure to report that the righteous Euro Elite righted this travesty of justice down the Wood last night. With one fixture remaining, Euro's boys secured victory last night to gain an insurmountable two game advantage going into next weeks finale. Things looked grim early on, myself and big JohnnyM were suffering through heavy colds, and with Two Scoops filling in for Luklear War, our challenge seemed formidable. Dr Shotgun also was unavailable, and with his place being filled by known JMF sympathiser The Mercenary, it all pointed to yet another last game nail biter for the 2007 crown. All our fears seemed well founded early on, as poor finishing, and even more woeful defending saw the shirt lifters surge to a 10-4 lead. We could have at this point be forgiven for thinking the game was up, but with the Funky Pedestrian and Two Scoops showing signs of fatigue, and the mighty Shoutster kicking everything that moved, we picked up the pace and the knob jockeys began to crack under the pressure. The Mercenary was giving all in the Euro cause, and big JohnnyM was starting to get into the swing. The turning point was when European Bri left Two Scoops for dead with a stunning piece of jiggery pokery to pull the righteous back into the game. The rent boy rimmers were now in disarray, leaving massive gaps at the back for Young Gaz to punish them time and again. Once the Big Man had given us the lead, the outcome was never in doubt, as the MoFo imploded we cruised to a comfortable six goal victory.
Easy, Easy Easy..............................YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Two Scoops and Dead Eye
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, European Bri, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary
2007 Season
Easy, Easy Easy..............................YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Two Scoops and Dead Eye
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, European Bri, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary
2007 Season
- JMF wins -21
- Euro Elite - 23
- Draws - 5
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
McTuesday it Be
Monday, December 10, 2007
Xmas Shopping
Took the day off today to do the old Chrimbo shopping, and even though it was Monday, the hell hole that is the White Rose Centre was heaving. Why, I don't know, it is full of shite. Schuh has some half decent trainers, but ask top dollar for everything, and the rest was pretty much crap. WHSmiths is bursting with biographies of just about every Tom,Dick and Harry how has ever been on the Telly, cooked beans on toast, kicked a football around, been on a reality TV show, or in the case of Russell Brand made a career out of talking in a camp manner about one's winky(his word not mine). And perfume? I am beginning to wonder if I am the only person in the UK not to have a bottle of rancid flower water named after me. Even Peter Andre has one!! Don't get me wrong, I love the old yuletide season, but enough with the fragrances and the cheesy adverts that go with them. Nicole Kidman, in particular, gets right up my nose, no pun intended. Who wants to reek like some Aussie bint who has been rodgered by a Scientologist? Answers on a postcard please..
Euro Curse Strikes TSV
Oh dear, yet again a team I adopt to support, in this case my favourite German football team, begin to feel the Brister curse. Until we went to see them in October, they were flying high in the second division of the Bundesliga, just a couple of points behind the leaders, but since i took a shine to them it has all been downhill. They were tailed 3-0 by Osnabruk, and their streak since we went to see them is two wins in nine games. This has seen them fall to sixth place, seven points behind the leaders. Next week they are at home to a team flirting with the relegation zone, so fingers crossed they turn it around. Good news is the Bourussia M'gladbach game has been confirmed for the 27/04/07, although the kick off time has not been announced. So we will stay another night, and fly back on the Monday.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Je T'Aime
There may be better ones out there, something I will continue to scour the globe for, but I may just have discovered my most favourite beer. I was being dragged through Morrison's by the Elster to pick up some bits and bats, when I managed to give her "Look at the over there!" trick, and bailed when she looked in said direction. I circled the joint till I found the beer section, and headed for the Continental display to see what was on offer. A large green bottle caught my eye, and I purchased two, and rammed them in the fridge when i got home. It was called DAB Original, and is brewed by the Dortmunder Actien-Brauerei, in Dortmund. And it is gorgeous. Served ice cold, it gives off a fine clean smell, and slides down your throat like amber velvet. The price was a fiver for two big bottles, which hold just over a pint. If anyone comes across a pub that sells this lager on draft, or indeed by the bottle, please let me know as I will have a new local.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
To the Wire
The gaylord JMF cruised to a five goal victory last night, to set up a tense finish to the 2007 campaign. Usually at this point I would waffle on about cheating, bad luck, being drugged etc., but the fact is we were well beat. Yes they wailed like bitches for every nudge and borderline call, yes the rub of the green seemed to favour them, but even removing all the usual from the equation they were deserved winners. Highlights, or low lights if you will, included the Shoutster marshaling the most innocuous of shots into his own net, as if a proud farmer whistling his sheepdog to round up sheep. Big JohnnyM spent most of the evening on his arse, his lucky trainers may well have played their last game. They cannot be blamed for him dozing off though to allow the Mercenary in to sneak a soft goal. On the KY side, it was nice to see Luklear War sample some of his own medicine when he fouled himself on the half way line, and at the death Jamon did some farming of his own, easing Slippery T Bacon between his corridor shaped legs to gift the Righteous a goal. One up with two to play. Isn't it exciting..
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, King Dave, Lukelear War and Crespo
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Crespo, Shouty, Clogs and European bri
2007 Season
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, King Dave, Lukelear War and Crespo
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Crespo, Shouty, Clogs and European bri
2007 Season
- JMF wins -21
- Euro Elite - 22
- Draws - 5
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Plans for 2008
As this year slowly draws to a close, it is time to look forward to 2008, and lay out a draft of what it holds for us in the way of benders. First up, the regular crew who show up to watch the bantams week in week out are looking for an away day trip to the closest we have to a derby this year, Rochdale on January the 19th. Standard procedure applies, meet up at Wetherspoons in Bradford, travel by train, get inebriated, watch match, get blitzed on return to Bradford and see where we end up. In February there are a few birthdays to celebrate, foremost among them Tony Helmets 40th, we are hoping to go north of the border to Edinburgh to get lashed up on heavy and single malt. The first foreign jaunt is hopefully going to be to Dusseldorf in late April to catch the mighty TSV 1860 take on Bourussia Monchengladbach. The numbers are there, so it is all systems go, if you are up for it let me know asap as I will be sorting out flights early next year. To fly out Friday the 25th and return on Monday 28th with Jet2 is currently £65. Hotels aren't putting up prices yet, will investigate further in January. After England's abject failure put paid to our June/July road trip to Austria and Switzerland, myself, Grande Queso, The Right Honourable and the Boy Dazzler have come up with a contingency plan. In early September we are taking of for between 6 or 7 days to tour Europe at our pleasure. We plan to do seven countries in this time span, Queso has taken up the task of chauffeuring us around this great continent. As ever the more the merrier, although it will require other members to drive. Mr Kent's motor is full, so any volunteers please make yourself known. John the Don I am looking at you. These are just the ideas that have come up so far, and anybody who has a bright spark, don't be shy of coming forward.
Have posted a gallery at http://bendersquad.smugmug.com/gallery/3939050#228776933 of my recent Salzburg trip, although it is mainly family shots and stuff.
Have posted a gallery at http://bendersquad.smugmug.com/gallery/3939050#228776933 of my recent Salzburg trip, although it is mainly family shots and stuff.
I be McBack
Yarrrrrrgghhhh, ye boil infested barnacle heads, after bein' set a drift for a fortnight I be returned to be floggin' ye noggins. Even with the extra week no one be guessin' that I be gresin' me gizzards in McOldham, Lancashire. That of course means that there be two doubloons fer the geezer who can figure where I have weighed me McAnchor;
"Where be MMMMMcEuroooo??
"Where be MMMMMcEuroooo??
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Salzburg Concluded
Guten Abend, I figured I'd wrap up my trip to Salzburg, as Ike isn't pestering me to play games on the PC. First off the beer. It was good. Not as many German brands as you would expect, the local brew was called Steigel, and was well nice. For a third of a litre glass it ran at about two euros a pop, but was served cold and slid down beautifully. They also did a dark bock style beer, and a weissbeir, although I didn't get a chance to try either. The other predominate lager was Trummer, which I got shit faced on when the clock turned twelve to signal the day of my fortieth birthday. It was a little lighter than the Steigel, but it flew down ones throat. Of course when Bepe and Pepe, the Italian bartenders found out it was my birthday, I was also plied with all kinds of concoctions, including Bushmills single malt, some kind of local schnapps and some weird Italian shit that blew my socks off. After staggering back to my hotel something happened to me that I believed had been left back in my late teens. Room Spin!! At 40 years of age the ceiling was whizzing out of control, and even though I tried the hanging the foot out of the bed and putting on the floor technique, it was a dash to drive the porcelain bus. I was hangover free the next morning, and although was a little bit vacant till around lunchtime, in the early evening I was ready to try some more local beers.
The next beer I decided to try was a local variety of King Daves favourite brew, the mighty weissbier. We found a proper locals beer hall to eat and I took the plunge. Big Frank tried a local special beer that they had a special offer on. It tasted awful, and I checked the beer menu to find out that it was just under 16% alcohol content. The weiss bier that came was 3.30 euro for a lire glass, just under a pint I believe, cold and served by a busty Austrian wench wearing some traditional Alpine clobber. And it was called Eidelweiss. I kid you not. It was slightly sweet, not as much as Hoegarden, but not as dry as Erdinger, which I slightly prefer. It passed the first pint test, which means I had another one. On the whole, I would highly recommend Salzburg as a bender destination, but I think other Austrian towns might be a bit receptive to our brand of tourism, as it is a bit on the conservative side. For starters there was only one lap dance joint, and if there was a night club I didn't spot it. It would be funny though to watch a bunch of Jagermistered geezers try to ice skate (they sell the stuff everywhere). Thoughts now turn towards Dusseldorf in April, and keep checking in as I am in the middle of putting together a bender road trip for next September. Auf Weidersehn.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
JMF Keep Hope Alive
It appears the MoFo drugged the righteous Elite, and won by one goal. Two up with three to go.
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Lukelear War and Crespo
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary
2007 Season
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Lukelear War and Crespo
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary
2007 Season
- JMF wins -20
- Euro Elite - 22
- Draws - 5
I 'am 40, Going on 17...
Gruss Gott, meine freundin, I m back in the UK, no longer in my thirties, but having breached the 40 year old barrier. Of course this means I have got my self a pair of slippers, purchased a pipe and forgone all hedonistic pursuits. And monkeys might fly out of my arse!! Salzburg was fantastic, the beer was cheaper than the coffee, plenty of pork and sauerkraut and snow. Oh, and it was minus 10 on a night. Got wankered with Big Frank and a couple of Italians on my birthday eve, unfortunately after downing a shed full of shorts most of it was brought back up later that morning. They were well impressed with my knowledge of the Italian language which consists of the phrase "Mia Molgia e Padzo!" The Austrian birds were pretty nice, but not as fine as their German counterparts, not that I was looking (was there with the Elster). The Christmas market was very pretty, though it sold mainly tat, and mulled wine, although the kids loved the ice rink. I even had a go at ice skating, for the first time since I was about 14, and managed not fall on my keister. Did the Sound of Music Tour with a mad English woman as tour guide, who sang in a high pitched voice that had the local feline population running for cover. Saw all the sights from the film, including this one to the right of me and the Elster outside the gazebo where they sang 16 going on 17. Elster was trying to get all romantic, but I was too quick for her on this occasion. On the last day, caught der zug across the border into Germany, going up into the Alps to visit some proper Bavarian mountain villages. After trying to find some TSV stuff all week, me and Ike finally found somewhere that had everything 1860, from sweatbands and scarves, to hats and pencil cases. And it was closed. Bolloxs. Oh well back in Blighty now, and looking forward to Xmas. Will catch up on other things later today, as Ike is pestering me for the PC. Auf Weidersein.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Guten Tag
Hello from snowy Salzburg. I am once again on a European adventure, in search of cold beer and adventure. Unfortunatley love is off the menu, as I am here with the old trouble and strife the Elster, and the two rascals, George and Ike. Have to say this is a very beautiful town. Have so far found three beer kellers, an Irish bar and one lap dancing joint. Doing the Sound of Music tour on Wendesday, and am off out for my big 40 tomorrow. Can one of you post Wendsday's five a side score? I am relying on you Mercenary. Auf Wiedersehn!!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Going Somewhere England Aren't
Can you guess what it is yet?? That's right I am off to Austria for a few days to chill, see some snow, drink some schnapps and on Tuesday turn forty. I know a lot of you thought I reached this milestone during the Octoberfest, but no matter how hard I tried to convince the organisers that Novemberfest had a catchier title, they refused to move the dates. Something to to do with a tradition spreading over the previous 168 years or something. So me, the Elster, the bambinos, Ma and Frank are of to the birthplace of Motzart, and the setting of the Sound of Music, Salzburg. See you when I return.
All together now,
Do a deer, a female deer.......
Bantams 1 County 1
Or is that Bantams 1 Referee 1? I am not one for blaming match officials, but the clowns in charge of this game were woeful. Matt Clarke must have boned the referees missus, because every time he went within 10 metres of a County player he gave a free kick. A worse fate befell Higginbottom, who walked for an innocuous challenge deemed worthy of a second bookable offence. Big Dave Ndumbu-Nsungu scored a corker, but at the death the visitors scored an undeserved equaliser.
Baz Watch; Collected splinters in his arse for the first 87 minutes, before bursting on to the pitch to rattle the Stockport defence. One or two nice touches, and won a corner in injury time. No moaning, can't remember what colour his boots were.
Baz Watch; Collected splinters in his arse for the first 87 minutes, before bursting on to the pitch to rattle the Stockport defence. One or two nice touches, and won a corner in injury time. No moaning, can't remember what colour his boots were.
Hot Dog Rating; 100/10 That's right, according to this weeks guest reviewer, the Ikester, the hot dogs at Valley Parade are 10 times better than perfection. But seeing as he is only seven years old, and thinks that anything he likes is the greatest invention of all time, I fear his rating may be slightly on the over rated side. All I know is he seems to end up with more ketchup on his face than on the dog, it keeps him quite for about 37 seconds, and he eats all of it. Being that it is sold at a football ground, it is of course wildly overpriced. We are hoping to go to the Mansfield Town game on the third of December, so I am looking forward to trying a new pie.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Yodel Eh He NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
All that practising for nothing. Last night Mr Charisma carried out what he had been threatening for the last 18 months, and oversaw England's failure to qualify for next summers Euro 2008. I wish at this moment I could muster a rant to truly give vent to my spleen, but deep down I know we got what we deserved. Who amongst you can say you are truly surprised we didn't make it? The day the clueless Barwick appointed the clueless McLaren, should have had us all running to the bookies to lay bets on Russia and Croatia finishing above us. To prove how inept these folk are, they are now contemplating a Home Countries competition. Great, a tournament to decide the best team among four nations who couldn't make the grade. Let's be honest can you see Wayne, Stevie, Frank, Rio and company giving up the chance to blow some of that "hard" earned brass in the Caribbean? Do you really want to see an England back four comprising Mark Bower, Richard Edgehill, Mick Mills and Terry Butcher? Screw that. But isn't the situation the England team find themselves in endemic of what is going on throughout the UK as a whole? Is it me, or does it seem every high level post in both business and government seems to be populated by brain dead half wits, with a habit of making decisions of such colossus ineptitude that it makes the mind boggle? Think about it. Northern Rock. Child Benefit. NHS. BBC. ITV. The FA. Fairpack. Iraq. The list is endless. Yet the instigators of the these massive fuck ups are not just rewarded, but are showered with pound notes, in honour of their epic failure. I blame the culture of rewarding arse lickers whose only talent is to agree with any idea from a superior, no matter how idiotic it may appear. For all of you out there who agree, and you know I am right, you know what time it is.
It is time to STOP THE NONSENSE!!
It is time to STOP THE NONSENSE!!
Only Your Barber Will Know for Sure
My arse! Some of you may or may not be aware that the right Honourable Shouty has returned to live in his town of origin, Shipley. This little burg is , as you may or may not know, infamous for it's lack of style and fashion sense. So to blend in into his new habitat he decided, for reasons best known to only himself, to have red highlights put into his hair?!? I know!! Anyway the erstwhile hero of this little tale also decided to save himself a bob or two, and took himself down his local branch of evil, Asda, to buy the equipment to carry out his mission of gay. Now most of you can by now guess the outcome, and our intrepid idiot ended up with a head the colour of a cherry tomato. Even in Shipley, this would mark him out as a buffoon on an epic scale, so it was back to the dark side, Asda, to purchase a black Grecian dye, to return to his "natural" state. So his hair is now not just black, but it is BLACK, and looks like an ill fitting syrup (wig to those unfamiliar with rhyming slang). My buffoon account may well have been opened, but it was an accident bought on by a case of knob headery, where as the Shoutsters was a pre-meditated assault of buffoonery upon his own bonce. Gentlemen, this race for 2008 has truly begun.
Stalemate Down the Wood
The last chance saloon is where the cock munching JMF are now doing their drinking. After drawing last night, they remain three down with only four left to play. Yet it could have been worse. early exchanges favoured the righteous, who at one point commanded a four goal lead, and seemed to riding out to victory. The MoFo were all over the place at this point, King Dave even taking out team leader Jamon in spectacular style, as the bickering set in. But credit where credit is due, they did not let their heads drop as in previous weeks, and when the Mercenary forgot which side he was playing for and gifted Jamon a goal, we found the scores were back to all square. This shocked us so deeply that within five minutes we were staring down the barrel, as some dead eye action saw us go three down, with time running out. Yet again we dug deep, Young Gaz and Dr Shotgun combined well to pull us back into the game, when a moment of King Dave madness granted us a penalty. As I waited for a JohnnyM pass to come through the area, a flipper like size twenty trainer wandered into the area to divert the ball, a stone cold penalty. Gaz converted, and before you could say "JMF suck knob" big JohnnyM had put us into the lead. It was left to Luklear War to rescue a draw at the death, although he whined like a bitch about the penalty, and tried to claim victory for the anus obsessed MoFo. poor misguided soul. This means it could be all over next week for the shirt lifters as they can afford no more slip ups.
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Lukelear War and Dead Eye
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Euro Bri, Young Gaz and The Mercenary
2007 Season
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Lukelear War and Dead Eye
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Euro Bri, Young Gaz and The Mercenary
2007 Season
- JMF wins -19
- Euro Elite - 22
- Draws - 5
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Still Think ID Cards are a Good Idea??
Well, well, well. The government that has used the excuse of protecting us from fraud and identity theft, to foist its ID card scheme on us, has only gone and LOST the bank details, national insurance number, date of birth, home address and names of 25 MILLION PEOPLE!! The Chancellor has said that there is no evidence that it has fallen into criminal hands, but we should monitor our bank accounts "for unusual activity". Of course it wasn't his fault, it was some junior minister, but it still beggars belief. If I am not mistaken a bank that lost details of 100,000 of its customers on a stolen laptop was fined a million nicker. Apparently the two discs containing the information were lost in transit by the courier company TNT. It gets better, they weren't even sent recorded or registered. Can you imagine what will happen if it does fall into the wrong hands? The BBC website has even gone so far to advise folk who may be affected to change banking passwords that contain birth dates or family names. And these clowns still want us all to put all kinds of personal information on a government run database? They cannot be serious. When is this country going to wake up and do something about the buffoons that are hell bent on running this great country into the ground? If its not telling us what to eat, what to drink, where to smoke, what to say and then charging us through the ass for the privilege, it's planning hair brained schemes to erode our taken for granted freedoms, and losing our bank details.
Do you know what time it is????
It is time to STOP THE NONSENSE!!!!!
Do you know what time it is????
It is time to STOP THE NONSENSE!!!!!
McCurses!!!
Yarrrrggh, ye jolly rodgering blow fish molesters, it be McTuesday. The cursed McMercenary made him self a swift two doubloons last week, he be guessin' I be guffin me McMuffin at the McTrafford centre near Manchester. Damn he to Davy Jones's locker. This be meanin a solitary soverign be up fer grabs if ye can be guessin;
"Where Be MMMMcEuro??"
Monday, November 19, 2007
BORED!!
What a shitty week it has been, and it's only Monday. Still can't win that frigging lottery, and work today was even shittier than usual. I can't even muster a rant concerning all this nonsense over disability allowance. Stop paying anybody who isn't bed/wheelchair ridden, and see how fast they get of their big, fat lazy, stessed arse's and get a job. Simple. I can't even get excited about the imminent snore fest Mr Charisma and his next England selection are preparing to inflict on us. I might visit my GP and claim to be suffering from L.M.F. ( Lazy Mother Fucker), and see if I can't take a vacation at the expense of the British tax payer. Oh my mistake, all that money is being used to prop up a bank that recently paid off it's former board members with six figure golden handshakes. And somebody PLEASE tell the advertisers Christmas is still over five weeks away. I don't know, maybe it's my time of month. Hopefully I'll be in better spirits tomorrow. In fact I think there's some beer in the fridge. Funny, I feel chirpier already. Adios.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Doggy Dooooooooooo!
Don't know if this qualifies for buffoon points, but I will let you be the judge. I was at work on Friday, and it was fast approaching beer o'clock, and I got bogged down on a job. Wanting to make sure I got a seat for the game, I was running around this guys house trying to find out where his wiring was damaged. After checking everything out and making sure it was working I jumped in my van to get off home. After about a quarter of a mile I was overwhelmed by the stench of dog shit. Pulling over I checked the bottom of my boots and found I must have stood the biggest pile of dog dirt EVER. It was about an inch thick on the soles of my shoes. I gingerly removed the offending piece of footwear, went to the curb, and began to whack them on the ground to remove the thickest of it. On the third or fourth whack, a bit of shit flew in the opposite direction to the rest and landed in my right eye! To make matters even worse it got lodged between my upper and lower eye lashes so I could see it. After several seconds of extreme swearing and shrieking, I managed to wipe it off with some clean wipes, and then poured a half a bottle of eye cleanser in to make sure it was cleaned out. Slowly my breathing returned to normal, and I went to put my boot back on. But something was rattling around my toes. You guessed it, another rouge piece of shit had found it's way into my shoe, and preceded to smear all over my socks! Now I consider this to be plain bad luck, but I am sure a few of the Squad will believe the first shots have been fired in the struggle to to attain Le Maillot Jaune 2008.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Fingers Crossed Time
Sorry about the lack of blog action lately, but been tied up with other shit. Last night watched the England Austria snore fest down the George (it is always advisable to have plenty of booze to hand when they are playing). Again, if that is the best we can muster, against a piss poor team to boot, it almost makes me wonder if qualification is worth the effort. Beckham is past it, and playing him in a friendly to get him up to match speed is laughable. Lampard and Gerrard in the middle? How many shit games do they have to play in tandem to make someone realise it doesn't work? As we speak Israel are winning one nil, but after last nights showing can we be assured of beating, or even drawing with Croatia? Well if they pull it off, great we can all start practising our yodelling, conversely, if we fail, we get the satisfaction of Mr Charisma getting the boot, and finding his true coaching level somewhere in the Championship league one.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Elite Lay Smackdown 24/7
Step forward Shouty, Young Gaz, Euro Bri, Dr Shotgun and Big JohnnyMedia, as last night a performance was achieved that will likely never be topped. In the first meeting in months of the correctly filled line-ups, perfection was nearly attained. One team passed and moved, tackled and covered, saved and shot with such brilliance that their opponents were reduced to a crying bitch like rubble. Twenty four goals flew past various shirt lifters representing the JMF between the sticks, who then could mange to scramble a mere seven goals in response. That, for the numerically challenged among you, adds up to a beating of seventeen goals. No matter how much they stamped their feet, accused us of cheating or plain bleated, the fact remains the smackdown was laid down on the cock munching MoFo on an unheralded scale. Young G ran up a cricket score for his personal goal tally, closely followed by the good Doctor and JohnnyM, who caused mayhem on the overlap. Shouty put the brakes on Dead Eye, and left the way clear for myself to direct the attacking flow from a deep lying position. Everybody also played a part in nets, and at the risk of blowing ones trumpet, I was especially brilliant. So what went wrong for the MoFo? Who gives a rats arse, I would say they were shit, but that would be denigrating turds the world over. There will be tears on pillows tonight. The margin of error for the JMF is now slim, as the Righteous Euro have regained their three game advantage, with only five left to play.
EASY! EASY! EASY!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT
UUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Lukelear War and Dead Eye
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Euro Bri, Young Gaz and Shouty
2007 Season
EASY! EASY! EASY!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT
UUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Lukelear War and Dead Eye
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Euro Bri, Young Gaz and Shouty
2007 Season
- JMF wins -19
- Euro Elite - 22
- Draws - 4
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Le Grande Buffoon 2008
It has been pointed out to me that with the Funky Pedestrian picking up the 2007 title with nearly two months left of the year, what happens to any idiocy that may occur in the mean time? Well for all you noodle headed numb skulls out there, don't worry. Any buffoonery that happens between now and the new year, will be carried forward to the race for the 2008 Maillot Jaune. As in previous years, the lead that had be accrued by the eventual winner had become to great to overcome, hence the early awarding. So don't fear all you eejits who were worrying that any examples of supreme knob headery would not go unrewarded.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
McTuesday be Back
Yarrgghh, ye spunk spillin' boy botherers, McOdyssey returns to its rightful night this week. This week two doubloons be fer the takin' as none of ye booty sniffers could be figurin' that I be Maccin' me midriff in downtown McHalifax, West Yorkshire. If ye not be belivin' me pay yer self a visit. It be done up like a bad seventies dram. Back to more traditional McPhoto's this week, can any of ye be guessin;
"Where Be MMMcEuro??"
"Where Be MMMcEuro??"
Monday, November 12, 2007
Keep the15th of December Free
Dangerous Pete is dragging his feet organising his round the world expedition, so with Christmas fast approaching, it is time to put the Xmas Bender back on the agenda. If Pete hasn't sorted out his Bon Voyage shindig by then, I am more than happy to resurrect the Hebden Bridge soiree. That is unless somebody else has a better plan.
Second Succesive Goaless Draw for Der Lowen
Der Lowen slipped to fourth in the table after playing out a 0-0 draw against BourussiaM'gladbach, in front of 31,000 at the Allianz tonight. This unfortunately sees them slip to fourth in the table, five points behind their opponents. The good news is they have made the last 16 of the German cup, and will play fellow Bundesliga 2 team Aachen, who are coincidentally a twin town of Halifax. I have found this English text sight of the official Bundesliga website, click here to view. According to this site, the return fixture in Mönchengladbach, is on the 27/04/08 at 14:00, which falls into our time frame brilliantly (although the official TSV website still lists the fixture as between 25/04 and the 28/04). I am still up for it, as is Queso, King Dave and Dazzler, and with a 54,019 seater stadium, I can't see tickets being a problem. In fact I am now a member of TSV, and can apply for tickets in the away end on line.
"EINMAL LÖWE, IMMER LÖWE"
"EINMAL LÖWE, IMMER LÖWE"
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Beer...Brain Food?
Well it's Sunday morning and for the first time in weeks I have no hangover. No headache. No nauseousness. No idea. That's right, I feel top of the world, ready to get plenty done, and I can't think of one thing to post on my blog. Nothing. Nada. I did go for a few beers Friday, but took it easy as I had stuff to do Saturday morning. So here I sit, empty headed with nowt to say. Surely this is scientific evidence that beer is indeed brain food. It sure tastes a damn sight nicer than fish. So this got me wondering if there had been any momentous historical events that had taken place under the influence of alcohol. It appears that John Wilkes Booth capped president Lincoln after going on a Whiskey and Brandy bender. Perhaps not the best example of great occasions. A better example, depending on your nationality, is the battle of the Aisne river in 1918, during the Great War. On the verge of taking Paris, the Bosch, who had been without any kind luxuries for years due to Britain's naval blockade, found themselves smack in the middle of Champagne country surrounded by wine cellars bursting at the seams. Reports tell of roads impassable by vehicles due to drunken soldiers littering the streets. This allowed the allies to regroup, and the final German assault was halted. The game was up for the Hun before the year was up. Other instances of inebriation may not come as such a surprise. Anthony Burgess, for example, is quoted as having written A Clockwork Orange "in a state of near drunkenness." Anybody who has tried to read this absolute tosh, will realise this by page five. Other historical incidents include Henri Paul, the Last Supper, Captain Kidd's Hanging, the Exxon Valdez and the time I shagged Big Licky. These are all examples, that quite frankly shoot my argument to shreds. Oh well, back to the drawing board.
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." ~ Oscar Wilde
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." ~ Oscar Wilde
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin
Thursday, November 08, 2007
The Fat Lady Sings
With the recent spate of fuck wittery displayed by the various members of the bender squad, it seemed like a late challenge to the Funky Pedestrian may be on the cards. Some hope. After a lairy weekend living it large, the Funky one decided to go for a smoke on his back step when he awoke, wearing just his dressing gown. As he went to light his cigarette, he blacked out and busted his head open when he hit the deck. Now this would usually be a moment of grave concern, as I have become quite attached to our erstwhile speedster, but in true buffoon style his robe fell open as he hit the deck, and he laid there for three or four minutes spread eagled with his meat and two vedge on show for all to see. What must his neighbours think. This has been agreed by senior members of the Squad to be the icing on the cake, and we have therefore decided to add his name to the Pantheon of legendary buffoons, and awarded the 2007 Maillot Jaune for Buffoon of the Year too;
The Funky Pedestrian
Le Grande Buffoon 2007
Previous Winners...
John the Don
Le Grande Buffoon 2006
Jamon
Le Grande Buffoon 2005
Thoughts now move towards next year, and the possibilities for extreme idiocy. First up there is the Rochadale run on Jan 19th, to watch the Bantams take on the Dale, and sample some of their supposedly famous pies. Next up another squad member joins the life begins at forty club, as in early February we venture north of the border to booze our way round Edinburgh. If memory serves, in March there is a possibility of a day out round Nottingham to see the Bantams take on the Magpies. Also in the pipeline for April, is another German run, this time to Dusseldorf, to watch the mighty TSV in action. This is just whats planned for the first few months of 2008, there may be a trip to the Euros in the offing, although it is beginning to look a long shot, and both Ropey and Two Scoops hit the big four-o, and John the Don qualifies for his buss pass as he hits sixty five.
Can the Funky Pedestrian hold on to his title?
He is sure to be strongly backed, as is previous winner John the Don. Alas, there appears to be no sign of parole for the inaugural recipient Jamon from his maximum security camp at Riddlesden Bay. The Shoutster is sure to figure in the final shakedown, and only a lack of opportunity to flex his inate stupidity prevents Mad Ad from serious contention. A new dark horse has emerged though, Ropey. An epic display of fuckwitery round Skipton bodes well for the deadlocked one, and could prove to be a shrewd each way bet. Strong outsiders include Tony Helmet, Skid, Myself and possibly Lobon, if let off the leash. Dangerous Pete would have figured in the running but it appears he is off to travel the globe. It is, however, worth remembering that idiocy can come from anywhere, who would have backed John in 2006, and any member of the Bender Squad has it in them to achieve the rewarding of "Le Maillot Jaune"
The Funky Pedestrian
Le Grande Buffoon 2007
Previous Winners...
John the Don
Le Grande Buffoon 2006
Jamon
Le Grande Buffoon 2005
Thoughts now move towards next year, and the possibilities for extreme idiocy. First up there is the Rochadale run on Jan 19th, to watch the Bantams take on the Dale, and sample some of their supposedly famous pies. Next up another squad member joins the life begins at forty club, as in early February we venture north of the border to booze our way round Edinburgh. If memory serves, in March there is a possibility of a day out round Nottingham to see the Bantams take on the Magpies. Also in the pipeline for April, is another German run, this time to Dusseldorf, to watch the mighty TSV in action. This is just whats planned for the first few months of 2008, there may be a trip to the Euros in the offing, although it is beginning to look a long shot, and both Ropey and Two Scoops hit the big four-o, and John the Don qualifies for his buss pass as he hits sixty five.
Can the Funky Pedestrian hold on to his title?
He is sure to be strongly backed, as is previous winner John the Don. Alas, there appears to be no sign of parole for the inaugural recipient Jamon from his maximum security camp at Riddlesden Bay. The Shoutster is sure to figure in the final shakedown, and only a lack of opportunity to flex his inate stupidity prevents Mad Ad from serious contention. A new dark horse has emerged though, Ropey. An epic display of fuckwitery round Skipton bodes well for the deadlocked one, and could prove to be a shrewd each way bet. Strong outsiders include Tony Helmet, Skid, Myself and possibly Lobon, if let off the leash. Dangerous Pete would have figured in the running but it appears he is off to travel the globe. It is, however, worth remembering that idiocy can come from anywhere, who would have backed John in 2006, and any member of the Bender Squad has it in them to achieve the rewarding of "Le Maillot Jaune"
Knob Jockeys Prevail
The cock crazy MoFo stormed to an easy seven goal victory down the Wood last night, as an off the pace Elite let them back into the title race. Dr. Shotgun got us off to an early lead, and at the 10 minute mark added a second to draw us level, but momentum was lost as JohnnyM and Two Scoops fell out, and a just graduated Dr Shotgun was slowed by the beer and Nando's chicken he'd scarffed at his celebration shindig. Myself and the Shoutster tried to pick up the slack, but woeful finishing extinguished any glimmer of hope that we could salvage a result. As usual when chasing the game, space was left at the back, and a newly returned Dead Eye took full advantage, as himself, Luklear and Crespo filled their boots. At this point I am legally required to report that Slippery T Bacon came out of retirement to pass unhindered between my legs. The righteous now hold a two game advantage, with time fast running out for the JMF, game on indeed.
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, Crespo, Lukelear War and The Mercenary
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Euro Bri, Two Scoops and Shouty
2007 Season
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, Crespo, Lukelear War and The Mercenary
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Euro Bri, Two Scoops and Shouty
2007 Season
- JMF wins -19
- Euro Elite - 21
- Draws - 4
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
McWednesday????
Yarrgh, ye whelk smellin' sand gropers, this week McOdyssey be a day late due to me watching the Mighty Bantams club the Seals. That lanky poop decker McCrespo be McGuessin' rightly last week that I indeed be Royaling me Cheese in McSchipol airport, in the Netherlands. So me prize be only one doubloon this week, fer the fella that can be figurin';
"Where be MMMMMMcEuro?????
I know there be no Golden Arches to be seen, but I assure ye that I indeed be deep in the bowels of a McResteraunt.
Bantams End Winless Streak
Typical City, after being rolled over by a poor Brentford team, they go and beat second in the league Chester City, to end their lengthy winless streak. Of course it wasn't straight forward, another exemplary performance from Nicky Law was marred by a penalty miss, Omar Daley finally decided to shoot, and scored a blinder (missed by the Boy, who had gone for a piss), then we gave away a stupid penalty, saved beautifully by big Don Ricketts, scored with about ten minutes remaining through substitute Rhodes, and let in a soft goal as 90 minutes came up, just to worry us for the last three minutes of injury time. Defence still remains a worry, Clarke played for the dropped Bower, and although he looks pacier, treats the football like a primed explosive. But I am nit picking, we outplayed the Seals throughout, and if we can go on a sustained run promotion is not out of the question. Apparently Law is signed for another month, and Peter Thorne led the line well, although once again we spurned numerous chances to kill off the game. FA Cup on Saturday, against the same opposition, but I will be unable to make it.
Baz Watch; On bench. Few shuttle runs down the pitch, and that was it from our erstwhile hero.
Burger Rating; 2/10 With all the pie varieties tried and tested, this week the Boy Dazzler volunteered to try out a Bantam Burger. The reason I my self didn't take the challenge is down to me being a burger connoisseur, anything below McDonalds standard cheese burger causes me to explode. It started out badly for the Boy, as a grim patty like object was retrieved from a stainless steel pot and thrust between two bun lids. It was then placed in a bag and handed to our brave guinea pig. His first comment was that he had tasted meatier veggie burgers, and it was a little bit sweet. The bun came up trumps though, it was fluffy and fresh, but the burger got a massive thumbs down. It is almost impossible to give it an indigestion rating, as anybody who knows the Dazzler can attest, he suffers from constant gas and heartburn, and makes noises that mimic the Peruvian rain forest for hours after eating. Safe to say he won't be trying one again in a hurry. Next time out I am going to get Ike to rate a hot dog.
Baz Watch; On bench. Few shuttle runs down the pitch, and that was it from our erstwhile hero.
Burger Rating; 2/10 With all the pie varieties tried and tested, this week the Boy Dazzler volunteered to try out a Bantam Burger. The reason I my self didn't take the challenge is down to me being a burger connoisseur, anything below McDonalds standard cheese burger causes me to explode. It started out badly for the Boy, as a grim patty like object was retrieved from a stainless steel pot and thrust between two bun lids. It was then placed in a bag and handed to our brave guinea pig. His first comment was that he had tasted meatier veggie burgers, and it was a little bit sweet. The bun came up trumps though, it was fluffy and fresh, but the burger got a massive thumbs down. It is almost impossible to give it an indigestion rating, as anybody who knows the Dazzler can attest, he suffers from constant gas and heartburn, and makes noises that mimic the Peruvian rain forest for hours after eating. Safe to say he won't be trying one again in a hurry. Next time out I am going to get Ike to rate a hot dog.
Monday, November 05, 2007
TSV Held to Goaless Draw
Der Lowen could only mange a 0-0 away draw against SV Wehen, who are currently sixth. This point means that the Lions are now in third place, two points behind Borussia M‘gladbach, who have a game in hand, and four points behind leaders SC Freiburg. From what I can make out in my limited German, it was a tight game, the Bender lads both played the full ninety minutes, but young Lars picked a yellow card. Next week is a crunch game as Der Lowen welcome Borussia M‘gladbach to Allianz Arena, in a top of the table clash. My plans to visit Dusseldorf in April (the weekend beginning Friday the 25th) for the return fixture are up and running. Shouty, The Boy Dazzler and El Grande Queso are up for it, and Aki's bantams posse are showing more than a little interest. The flights with Jet2 from Leeds/Bradford are currently up at around £80, and I will happily book them on receipt of cash. Be aware though there are no refunds on cheap air tickets, so once you pay, you go or loose. The hotels will probably be in the £80-100 range each for two nights, depending on location and the like. Will book these at a later date, although it would be a great help if everybody paid for their own room on departure. There is however one fly in the ointment. There is a possibility the game could be played on a Monday night. The flights return to England at 9pm, so we either go for the weekend and hope its played Sat/Sun, or go Sunday and come back Tuesday and hope it's on Monday night. The flights for the second option are priced at £45 at the moment. My instinct says go Friday, but my pocket is shouting for a Sunday. Consultation is required.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Buffoon News
After a quiet twelve months, everybody seems to be wanting to get in on the act. After Helmets and Pembos miss adventures in the Villager, Dangerous Pete has upped his game. From what I can gather he was horsing around with a few of his mates, and jumped on one of their cars bonnet. As he was peering through the windscreen, one of his companions jumped on him and smashed his front teeth into the glass, breaking three of them. Oh dear, just as he is planning to take off on an around the world jaunt. Don't worry Peter, they'll grow back....
Bantams Lose Again
This is starting to become tedious, the Mighty Bantams sank to yet another defeat, against a team that quite frankly were rubbish. It looked promising the first half, we kept possession well, knocked the ball around a bit created a few chances. Then Brentford scored. Somebody needs to remind our players what division they are in, that they are not Aresenal, and to score goals, taking a shot now and again often proves conducive. Omar scares the shite out of opposing teams, but consistently runs down blind alleys when the chance to shoot presents itself. The second half was just plain woeful, and having to listen to the Right Honourable moan all the way through did nothing for my headache. Of course they scored again as our defence went into meltdown, they could have easily had three or four, before Bower scored from a scrambled corner. Maybe he should play up front, as his defending is becoming more erratic. Get to do it all again on Tuesday, as Chester roll into town. We are still stuck in the bottom four, but I figure if we start getting ourselves in front during games we can still turn our season around. Got wankered after the game with the Shoutster and the Boy down at Fannys Ale house in Saltaire, that Leffe sure is strong shit.
Baz Watch; On for 68 minutes. Oh dear. Big Baz probably had his worst showing this season, as his touch deserted him, and his moaning just irritated. He still put in plenty of effort, but if anybody needs a goal right now, it is our bald centre forward. His ballooned shot over the bar, when it was easier to score summed up his day, but the sections of the crowd who booed him off need reminding it's a team game, and they played with even less direction and skill after he went off.
Pie Rating; 5/10 Meat and Potato. I am afraid I have exhausted the pie selection at Valley Parade, so I decided to revisit the pie I had at the beginning of the season, but instead of Brown sauce I tried it with Ketchup. Big mistake. For beef based pies, the mighty brown is the only condiment that should be used, but in the interests of piequality, I thought it might give it a different spin. Consistency was still Chappie dog food, and was bland beyond belief, but there was plenty of filling. Indigestion factor was difficult to gauge, as I was still a bit fresh from the previous evening, and I got a curry later, so I didn't know which food was responsible for the turd explosion the following morning. In fact after all the cider, weissbeer, bok, Leffe and other concoctions that I drank, there could be several culprits. Big thanks go out to John Pembo, who sampled a meat and tattie for me at Grimsby. He reported it was above average, but a little bit too much pepper for his liking. Forgot to ask him for his marks out of 10, but will hopefully see him on Tuesday to rectify.
Baz Watch; On for 68 minutes. Oh dear. Big Baz probably had his worst showing this season, as his touch deserted him, and his moaning just irritated. He still put in plenty of effort, but if anybody needs a goal right now, it is our bald centre forward. His ballooned shot over the bar, when it was easier to score summed up his day, but the sections of the crowd who booed him off need reminding it's a team game, and they played with even less direction and skill after he went off.
Pie Rating; 5/10 Meat and Potato. I am afraid I have exhausted the pie selection at Valley Parade, so I decided to revisit the pie I had at the beginning of the season, but instead of Brown sauce I tried it with Ketchup. Big mistake. For beef based pies, the mighty brown is the only condiment that should be used, but in the interests of piequality, I thought it might give it a different spin. Consistency was still Chappie dog food, and was bland beyond belief, but there was plenty of filling. Indigestion factor was difficult to gauge, as I was still a bit fresh from the previous evening, and I got a curry later, so I didn't know which food was responsible for the turd explosion the following morning. In fact after all the cider, weissbeer, bok, Leffe and other concoctions that I drank, there could be several culprits. Big thanks go out to John Pembo, who sampled a meat and tattie for me at Grimsby. He reported it was above average, but a little bit too much pepper for his liking. Forgot to ask him for his marks out of 10, but will hopefully see him on Tuesday to rectify.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
The Road to Ruin
Is paved with good intention as they say, and the last couple of days prove the point. I had every intention of updating this blog, but circumstances changed, firstly El Grande Queso has become the proud father of a young Babybel, so last night it was out to to wet the nippers head, followed by a visit to see the IPD at Raggalds pub, out in the back of beyond. I write this posting with a delicate head, but the fun doesn't stop. I am off to meet up with big JohnnyM, Shouty, Crespo and Mossy to watch the Arsenal Man U game before going down to Valley Parade to see the Mighty bantams take on Brentford. Seeing as I am out it is then off to Nick the B's farewell shindig, as he is taking off to start a new life down under. Hopefully I will catch up tomorrow, hangover permitting.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Vintage Two Scoops, Too Much for JMF
The win streak now stands at four, as the mighty Elite, led by a vintage Two Scoops performance, came from behind to stroll to an easy five goal victory. The JMF withstood heavy pressure early on to open open up a two goal lead, thanks in the main to an inspired spell of keeping by the Mercenary, but it wasn't to last. The dusty Pedestrian looked to have kept the rampant euro boys at bay, but after two scoops opened his account for the evening, disaster befell the knob munchers as Jamon back heeled an own goal past the Dusty one to equalise. At the halfway mark, the Righteous were cruising, two goals up and in control, but a sustained period of MoFo attacking, the best seen in a while, saw the ass cracks drag themselves level, and amazingly actually take the lead. The boost to the JMF saw them step up the pace, and they seemed on the verge of an upset, when the most boneheaded play seem in years saw all their momentum come crashing to a halt. King Dave, not best known for his keeping prowess, seemed on course for a rare clean sheet, when the Funky Pedestrian, under absolutely no pressure, decided to stroll into the penalty area to collect a loose ball. PENALTY! Shotgun, who performed well on his return from a long term injury, coolly slotted home from the spot, and the wind visibly fell from the MoFo sails. The big man, JohnnyMedia then stepped up to score to exquisite curlers from distance, and the lead from then on was never in doubt. Special mention goes to the Right Honourable Shouty, who smashed an Exocet past a trembling Mercenary near the end. Young Gaz will be missing again next week, replaced by the resurgent Two Scoops, but the MofO will be desperate to welcome back the talismanic Dead Eye, who should make his return next week. The righteous now hold a three game advantage, as the year draws to its conclusion, and the MofO need to stem the tide soon, or their title will be surrendered.
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, Funky, Lukelear War and King Dave
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Shotgun, Euro Bri, Two Scoops and Shouty
2007 Season
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, Funky, Lukelear War and King Dave
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Shotgun, Euro Bri, Two Scoops and Shouty
2007 Season
- JMF wins -18
- Euro Elite - 21
- Draws - 4
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
McTuesday it McBe
Yargghh ye scabie infested pox wounds, none of ye be guessin' that I be Fattening me Flurry in that backwater that be McBurnley, Lancashire. Har har, me treasure be mine. Yet this be meanin' it be a rollover to 2 shiny gold doubloons, fer the soul who be brave enough to figure ;
"Where bbbbeeeee McEuroooo????"
Bender Twins Lead TSV to Victory
After last weeks hiccup against the hot dog team, Der Lowen romped to a three goals to nil victory over Kickers Offenbach, to move back up into third place in the league. The scoring was opened by Sven Bender just after the half hour mark, and two second half goals from Berkant Göktan sealed the win for TSV. The other Bender, twin brother Lars, helped to keep a clean sheet at the back, in front of 22,300 at the Allianz. Next week the lions take on fourth placed FSV Mainz 05, at home.
Kommen Sie auf Sie Löwen!!!!!!
Borussia Mönchengladbach remain at the top of the table, and they host Die mächtigen Löwen on the weekend beginning the 25 of April 2008. Are you thinking what I am thinking? Our good friends at Jet 2 fly direct to Dusseldorf for £80, flying out Friday evening at 6pm an returning Sunday at 9pm. there is a direct train, taking approx 20 minutes to Mönchengladbach, where we stay for two nights, and are home for 9pm Sunday night. Alternatively we stay in Dusseldorf, which may have a better night life, and commute to the game, which is again only 15-20 minutes away by train. Sounds like a plan to me.............
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Funkys Band
The International Party Doctors are playing a gig up at Raggalds pub up near Queensbury on Friday night, kicking off around 9 p.m. and going deep into the evening. I will be attending after a few sherberts down the George, and will be dragging the Elster along to boot. So if you are at loose end on Friday get your arse down, and let's get pissed. Bring a friend, the flyer promises a night of mayhem.
Funky 0 Law £160
The result is in (apologies for lateness, been laid low by stomach trouble), and as predicted the Law strolled to an easy victory, In Funkys defence though, the outcome could have been far more one sided. We rolled up on time at Hakifax Magistrates, got through security and took our place among council tax dodgers and drug addicts and settled in to wait. Luckily for the Funkmeister though his guardian angel hadn't rung in sick, and help came from an unlikely source. Whilst waiting for video evidence to arrive for the case in session, the prosecutor took time out to speak to the Pedestrian and pretty much told him how to plead, his excuse for pleading not guilty on his previous appearance, and lined up another court for him to be seen in, so we didn't have to hang around. This did deny myself and Crespo the chance to see the F.P. stand up and do his best "You can't handle the truth!" Hollywood court speech. Instead he stood with a goofy grin on his visage, framed by his orange Mexico tan, and pleaded guilty. The result was a £85 fine for speeding and £75 court costs, total £160, and three points to be added to his licence when he gets it back. Considering he could have been whacked with a £1000 fine and a longer ban, it was a good result. We retired to the boozer to celebrate, having his missus on that he had been banged up, which she didn't find as amusing as me Crespo and Funky did. We also got embroiled in the middle of a chav scrap in some dodgy Halifax dive, which seemed to involve a lot of screeching bints, and blokes in iffy sports wear threatening each other with dismemberment without actually coming to blows. High entertainment indeed.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Helmet Banned, Funky in Court
Tony Helmet has entered Le Grande Buffoon 2007 top five, replacing John the Don (who by his high standards has had a quiet year), by contriving to get himself barred from the majority of the pubs in the Wilsden area for a misdemeanour that shall go unreported. It has been, apart from Funky and Shouty, a quiet year on the idiocy scale, Munich excepted, but I felt it would remiss of me not to give Helmet points for his latest faux pas. It will have little impact though on the destination of Le Maillot Jaune, as the Funky Pedestrian, in all likelihood will sew up the title today, as he goes head to head with the British justice system. As usual he is skint, so is unable to afford a solicitor, and will be defending himself in a court of law, after entering a plea of not guilty for, you guessed it, speeding. Myself, Dazzler and Crespo are going to watch the Fuckwittery unfold, and there will be a full report over the weekend.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Crespo Comeback too Much for JMF
The righteous elite proved to good for a makeshift JMF, strolling to a four goal win. Crespo was to the fore for the Euro boys, scoring several goals on his first appearance in several weeks, rounding off a fine team performance, marred only by an injury to Young Gaz in the later stages. The MoFo continue to miss Dead Eye's goals, and will be without him for another week, the Mercenary is his likely stand in. I can't even be bothered calling the shirt lifters to many names, as frankly it was all to easy.
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, Two Scoops, Lukelear War and King Dave
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Crespo, Euro Bri, Young Gaz and Shouty
2007 Season
Line-ups;
JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, Two Scoops, Lukelear War and King Dave
EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Crespo, Euro Bri, Young Gaz and Shouty
2007 Season
- JMF wins -18
- Euro Elite - 20
- Draws - 4
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Slack Fella's
Loafing around on the sofa today I came across a daytime TV show called "Loose Women", which featured a gaggle of moderately well known bints, waffling about a load of bollox. I knew who Mel B was, and the rest had sort of familiar faces, you've seen them somewhere before but can't quite remember where. But the tripe they talked! I have caught bits of this show before, and no lie they actually started talking about what they had for tea the night before! And that was one of the more stimulating conversations they had. Then I started thinking, they actually get paid for this drivel! This got me thinking. Now I know none of us are ex reality show stars, or been in the Nolans, but we could surely be more entertaining than a bunch of ageing has beens. So I got to thinking, what about setting up some kind of forum page to raise issues and waffle shite? I am going to discuss with other Squad members over the weekend, and if we are in favour of going ahead, I will get some kind of platform up and running over the next week or two.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Curses!! McMercenarey be Back
Yarrgh, ye cream puff whelk lickers, fer the third week in a row, me treasure has been purloined by one of ye infernal McSpotters. The McMercenary, fresh back from the Spanish Indies, snuck in his guess at the death, correctly figurin' I be quaffin' quarter pounders in the birthplace of McLobon, McDoncaster, South Yorkshire. I figrue he be spottin the Fitness first gym in me rear view mirror. A gym next to a MaccyD's, only in Yorkshire! His reward be one doubloon. So ye clever dicked ferret molesters, I be given ye one that be devlish beyond belief, fer one gold coin can ye be guessin;
"WWWWWWWhere be McEEEEuro????"
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