Top Ten......Dictators to have on a Bender

It has been a while since we had a top ten, and on Tuesday Queso gave me an idea for one. With all the strife going on in the middle east and North Africa, the Grand Fromaggio opined that Qaddafi might be fun to go on a bender with. Well that got me thinking, if you were going to have a a blowout with a bunch of dictators, which ten would come in handiest to have around? So I have decided to compile my list. This is done in jest, and does not condone any of the evil monsters named below (may they all roast in the deepest fiery pit of Hell).

1. Caligula
Now if it's a party your going to throw, this fella covers all bases. Togas? Check. Nubile young birds? Check. Roman style orgy? Checkaroo. Now I may be gleaning all my information from a somewhat dubious source, the Penthouse funded 1979 soft core flick Caligula, which I also first saw at a very impressionable age. The guy new how to throw a shindig, but you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him, or his bad temper. He had one of his nephews beheaded because his sneezing annoyed him. Also totally bonkers. Famously made his favourite horse a senator.

Died- Aged 28, in AD 41. Stabbed to death by his bodyguards


2. Benito Mussolini
Il Duce was the first of the Fascists, seizing power in Italy in 1925. Now to be fair to the fella, as bad ass dictators go, he was pretty tame. The guy just liked fancy uniforms, looking pompous and erecting big buildings. His record as a military leader was also piss poor. Nearly got his butt kicked in Albania, did get it kicked in Ethiopia, and had to be bailed out by his German buddy Adolf on numerous occasions, most notably on the 12th of September 1943, when a crack German commando unit busted him out of prison just before he was due to be handed over too the Allies. His invitation is based only on the fact that he looked like he liked a beer, and I suppose could provide the uniforms.

Died- 28 April 1945(1945-04-28) at age of 61. Shot by Communists, he and his mistress were strung upside down in a Milan piazza, were a massive crowd spat, kicked and stoned their corpses.

3. Fidel Castro
Somebody has to bring the smokes, and who else but Fidel, leader of Cuba, the nation that produces the finest cigars on Earth. Old Fidel would also be handy to have round just in case things fell a bit flat, as he must be something of a wind up merchant. After all, he gets right up the nose of America, who have tried to have him iced on a few occasions, if the conspiracy theory crew are too be believed. Among the numerous plots hatched, the most bizarre one was an exploding cigar. Seems a spook at the CIA had been watching too many Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Died- Still alive and kicking, at the grand old age of 84. How much longer he will be with us is open to debate, as depending on who you believe, he is either gravely ill, or just taking a sabbatical.

4. Colonel Qaddafi
A Muslim on a Bender? I know it is a rather strange choice, and to be quite honest, he isn't invited for what little charm he he possess, but instead he is invited for his personal body guards. The fact that are all young female virgins not the main reason he earns his invite. It's the only reason. After all he is a barking mad harbinger of doom, who seems to have all the personality of a lump of dry wall. But our party of megalomaniacs have a legion of enemies who wish them deceased, so they need protection, and the Colonels babes must be ass kickers, because they have managed to keep him out of harms way for the best part of 42 years. So if your names not down, your not getting in.

Died- Another one still warm and breathing (aged 68), although for how long who can tell, as his Libyan empire begins too crumble around his ears.

5. Idi Amin
Yet another African despot (and a good buddy of the Colonel mentioned above), the larger than life Idi Amin cut quite a jocular figure, but it wasn't wise to piss him off, or you could end up with arms for legs, and legs for arms. Either that or just plain crocodile grub. A bit like Benito, featured further up the list, Idi looked like he could have a bit of a laugh, and according to the movie "The Last King of Scotland" suffered from spectacular flatulence, which is always a bit of an ice breaker when on the lash with a bunch of the lads. Apparently, after claiming himself to be the heir to the throne of Scotland, he sent a telex to the Queen saying "Dear Liz, if you want to know a real man, come to Kampala." But his paranoia grew to much. Not only did he expel all Asians, many of them born in Uganda, but he finally, and fatally, invaded Tanzania, a country who promptly kicked his arse, and facilitated his escape to first Libya, and finally Saudi Arabia.

Died- Aged 78, in Saudi Arabia, of Kidney failure.

6.Erich Honecker
Our party will require beer, so who better than a German to bring the booze? No not the obvious choice. Old Adolf was a vegetarian tee totaller, and a bit of a stick in the mud, by all accounts. no, what we need is a stereotypical carnivore, who loved hunting and beer (he enjoyed hunting so much, that it is claimed wild beasts had to be imported from other Communist states as there were none left in his own), so it is Herr Honecker who gets the nod. The last leader of the of the old GDR (East Germany) can also pitch in on security. Now I now we have the Colonels elite bodyguard, but our depots are also well known for having an eye for the ladies, so the Libyan lovelies could have their hands full keeps our assorted Dictators out of their panties. Step forwards Erich, who in 1961, as the Central Committee secretary for security matters, was in charge of erecting the Berlin Wall. Let's see those revolutionaries get in now! Still the famous picture of him kissing Brezhnev full on the lips might upset Castro and Amin, two well renowned homophobes...

Died- rather lamely, of cancer, in Chile, aged 84 on the 29/05/1994

7. Nicole Ceaușescu
Probably the ugliest, least charismatic dictator of all time, he qualifies in much the same way as Qaddafi did. But not because he is protected by a host of Romanian hotties. In fact he was married to, and by all accounts devoted, to a moose of a woman. No good ole Nicole has the pad. The second biggest building in the world in fact. To build it he demolished over 30,000 residences, and practically flattened the whole of Bucharest's historic quarter. The building is built very much in the old Soviet era style, and was completed in 1989, Just in time for the revolution that would unseat him, and bring his evil reigin of terror to an end. It is 12 stories tall, and has around 1,100 rooms, a killer spot for hide and seek.

Died- In a hail of bulletts, along with his pig of a wife, in 1989 at the age of 71. It is said the bullets used on his wife needed to be blindfolded, as her ugly mug may have frightened them off target.

8. Charles Taylor
Well we have got most of the stuff sorted for our despot bender. We have got a pad, a wall, female body guards and a couple of clowns. But I have noticed that, apart from maybe Benito, we have a gang of seriously ugly fellas. What we need is something to blind the ladies to our troupe of munters. And in Mr Taylor I think we have found just the man. During the late nineties, Charlie boy was a dictator/warlord in Liberia, and funded his military with the sale of blood diamonds. And we all know they are a girls best friend. In fact he even tried, allegedly, too woo Naomi Campbell with some. He even used them to fund strife in neighbouring countries, most notably Sierra Leone.

Died- You would have figured him to go down in a blaze of gunfire, but instead he was turned over to the United Nations, and is currently on trial in The Hague.

So that's our Bender of Evil sorted out. I know it is supposed to be a top ten, but it is Saturday, and I am off out in a minute or two, and still need to do Killer Keisters.