Those nasty people at Tescos are at it again. One of it's branches in Wales has put up a notice banning folk from shopping in their pyjamas and/or bare feet. How dare they? It's bad enough that they make these poor people peel themselves off their sofa and miss Jeremy Kyle to top up on their rolling baccy and White Lightning cider, now they are going to require them to get dressed! Don't they realise these employment dodgers have rights. I think it's bad enough they have to leave the house for anything, and think Tesco's should immeadiatley set up a home delivery service for these social leeches, so none of us ever have to clap eyes on them, or hear them swear at the top of their voices for their kids to get "In the Fookin house now! Ya little bastards!" They cost the tax payers enough as it is, so whats a few more million down the drains on a "Can't be arsed" benefit? And what was the school in Middlesborough doing when it politely asked that parents refrain from swigging out of lager cans when they pick up their kids? They only had them for the extra dole!
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Thursday, January 28, 2010
Righteous Roll
Two wins in a row for the Mighty Euro boys, although to be fair it was agianst JMF without their talisman, Dead Eye. In fact up until four o'clock it looked as though it would be a four a side contest, due to the backlog of injuries. This of course led to accusations by the arse bandits of fixing, and that our win should be struck from the record. Bet it would have been a different tale had the shoe been on the other foot. You have to take the rough with the smooth, and when it is our turn to play with a weak side, I would like to think we take it like the hardy men that we are. So onto the game. The cock munchers got off to the quicker start, and actually lead, due to the fact they scored first. We equalised soon after, went in front, and never looked back. Full credit to the girls in red though for giving their best, but the late replacement for Dead Eye was a bit of a busted flush. But then that is the problem. High scoring players of his calibre do not grow on trees. We did play some good stuff, and Shotgun will never forgive me if I didn't mention his superb mazy run, finished off in style. Of course big JohnnyM said he was actually trying not to fall over, but a fine goal indeed. This rubbed of on the Right Honourable Shouty, who let fly with three Exocet's into the top corner. They were all against his dad, which led to shouts of "Nepotism" from Jamon, who was at his argumentative best. I swear he only shows up to argue, his long running verbal jousting with the good Doctor, is quite frankly hilarious. The margin of victory at the end was high, and I will strive to make it a more competitive game next week, although once again the Dead eye will be unavailable. Two Scoops should be back, so I am thinking of giving up the Mercenary on a one week loan. That is until the phone starts ringing with loads of people crying off.
JMF- Funky, Big Phil, Some Geezer, Luklear War and Jamon
EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, JohnnyM, Shouty and Dr Shotgun
2010 Season
JMF wins - 1
Euro Elite - 2
Draws - 0
JMF- Funky, Big Phil, Some Geezer, Luklear War and Jamon
EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, JohnnyM, Shouty and Dr Shotgun
2010 Season
JMF wins - 1
Euro Elite - 2
Draws - 0
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Top Ten............Bradford Pubs
For this weeks top tens I am picking what I consider to be Bradford's ten best pubs. The criteria for this selection is simple. It must be within the borders of Bradford metropolitan Council, so it includes Keighley, Bingley, Shipley, etc. It also has to still be trading, so no place for such legendary haunts as the Old Crown. I may well do a piece on the vanishing boozers of the district, but not tonight. It also has to be first and fore most a pub. This discounts night clubs and the like, although it won't make that much of a difference as the majority of such places around here suck cock. I will be rating them on four categories, although the combined score doesn't count towards it's final ranking, they are purely to be used as a guide. They are as follows;
Atmosphere- Is it a nice place to sup? Is the decor suitable for a drinking marathon? Will you get beaten up? Do your feet stick to the carpet? Is the music to bloody loud? These questions, and more will be answered in this section.
Skirt- If you are a member of the nefarious M.R.S., please refrain from getting your panties in a bunch. This is not a section on how easy it is to pull, but on whether there are some buxom wenches to warm the cockles of a middle aged man, from a distance of course.
Crowd- Is it full of beardy ale purists? Or track suit clad ne'er do wells intent on stabbing you in the eye? Find out in this section.
Benderability- Could you spend a full session in just this boozer?
Well, those are the guidelines, and these are the pubs;
10. Chapel House, Low Moor, Bradford
Atmosphere-
A pub that is as well known for it's grub as it's beer. A nice place to have a few on a night, as through the day it is packed full of folk eating.
3/5
Skirt-
A couples kind of destination, there is always plenty around, but you wouldn't go there just to scope skirt.
2/5
Crowd-
Nice relaxed place, and the fact that it is a place favoured by off duty coppers, means that it is pretty much Chav free.
3/5
Benderability-
Only been semi drunk in here once, but it was a decent evening, and the Starpromen was excellent. After the kitchen shuts, gets a bit livelier.
5/5
9. Malt Shovel, Harden
Atmosphere-
An old style village pub, situated in a semi rural setting. Has a great beer garden, and in fine weather is packed. Relaxed, and for this part of the world, refreshingly unclicky. On the small side, and not particularly cheap, but a fine, safe place to undertake a few pints.
3/5
Skirt-
Not the greatest, unless it is a sunny day, but even then it tends towards the horsey brigade. On a good night you might get a sprinkling of couples, but it is, to my mind at least a bit of a blokes pub.
0/5
Crowd-
A lot of jumper wearers, and a favourite haunt of the well-ish to do, due to it's location. Imagine a pub full of golfers, and you get the gist. they all like a pint though, and to be fair, the clientele is not as up it's self as it's reputation suggests.
3/5
Benderability-
I have been on a couple of decent blowouts in here, most memorably John the Don's birthday in 2008. A good spot for a Friday tea time.
5/5
8. The Star, Bingley
Atmosphere-
It's been a while since I was in, but the place was always spotless. It has a proper tap room and lounge set up, and a pretty decent crowd, all the half pint hero's tend to frequent the pubs along Bingley Main Street.
3/5
Skirt-
Buggered if I know, on my last visit it wasn't bouncing with birds, but that may have been because I was in for a tea time drink. Saying that, it has always tended towards being a geezers pub, football team, darts and the like, so it has to be a big fat nought.
0/5
Crowd-
A bit like the Malt Shovel above, but not quite as well heeled. Instead of golf more of a whippet crowd, and I don't mean that in a bad way. In fact it is probably the better for it, as the folk in there can probably do, or recommend some one who can, stuff that you actually need. If you know what I mean.
3/5
Benderability-
The main reason I have put this pub in at number nine is for nostalgic reasons, as it's the first boozer I ever got served in. Me and Scott Naismith liberated some younger kids lunch money, and blew off Geography on fine afternoon, and decided to chance our luck. I boldly strode up to the bar and asked the barkeep for two halves of best. A few wary glances and we were in! The only problem was just as we sat down, two teachers who must have had a free afternoon walked through the door. Mr Holgate and Mad Ma Franklin if memory serves, So it was a quick couple of gulps and offski. Got absolutely hammered in here on several occasions, the most memorable was when the hippy chick up the road had an open house party. Before we went up, me Scott and Big Rodney Morton got wankered on Pernod. Oh to be 16 again....
5/5
7. Arthur's Bar/Haighys, Lumb Lane, Bradford
Atmosphere-
At the moment known as Haighys, but for folk of my age it will always be Arthur's Bar. A Bradford City pub (it's exterior is painted claret and amber), it is packed to the rafters on match days, and still draws a decent crowd on other nights. The place hasn't changed in decades, which is great, as I couldn't imagine it looking any different. A good little beer garden at the back, that is heated during the winter, to keep those dirty smokers warm.
4/5
Skirt-
Not what it was, after the local residents chased all the prostitutes away. I haven't been in on a non footie night for a while, but to be honest I can't see it being a hot destination for members of the fairer sex. A point for the old days.
1/5
Crowd-
On match day an eclectic mix of hooligans, flat cappers, the odd away fan and a sprinkling of families. On a regular night a bit strange. I should imagine that there would be few Eastern Europeans in there at the moment, as quite a few have settled in the district. There used to a few young Asians as well, which could prove an explosive mix. Have seen, and sad to say been involved in, a few punch ups. I think it isn't as wild now, like I said the hookers have been moved on, and it does get in a few Real Ale folk.
4/5
Benderability-
I used to live just across the road from here when I was in my mid twenties, so I have been arsed in this place on numerous occasions. it was here the I went through my Mad Dog 20/20 phase of quaffing fortified wine, so I cannot remember much of it. Seriously, that stuff will fuck you up. Several times I woke up not having the foggiest of what had happened the night before. It was here we embarked on our massive Bender when the Bantams made into the Premier league.
5/5
6. The Villager, Peel Street, Wilsden
Atmosphere-
A small pub, that can be a bit clicky at times, and damn right rowdy when the younger posse work up a head of steam. It is, I have to report, the closest thing I have to a local, and was my second home for years. Not the greatest setting for a drinking marathon, it is small, and only on room, but it must have something about it, as I have been frequenting the place, on and off, for the last couple of decades. I recommend Saturday tea time for the football results, and Sundays for the afternoon kick off.
2/5
Skirt-
One has to be careful here, as a lot of the skirt who shows up in here is the better half of my friends. But, as The King of the Pixies pointed out on Saturday, there are plenty of young fillies who we don't know coming out these days. The problem though isn't being old enough tom be their dad, it's more that I probably know their dad. Enough said.
4/5
Crowd-
What can I say? I pretty much know everybody who drinks in here, so I have to say, an excellent crew. Handsome, clever and cool. That should earn me a pint.
5/5
Benderability-
Where to start? I have spent more time drunk here than any where else in the world. In fact I was pickled just this Saturday gone. The biggest problem is, if you could call it that. is that I pretty much always have somebody to get pissed with. The time me and Jamon decided to have a contest to decide who loved beer is a particular fond memory. As was Georgia's head wetting, a monster effort, famous for the Queso being so drunk he pissed himself. The only reason the pub only comes in at seven is that it is nobodies favourite, it's likable, but as a pub itself, it ain't all that.
5/5
5.The Fighting Cock, Preston Street, Bradford
Atmosphere-
A Bradford institution, it has been around forever, and still packs them in, even though it is situated in predominantly Muslim area. Loved by CAMRA, and beer drinkers of every hue. Done up in a traditional pub style, it was the last bar in town to use sawdust on the floor. Not to every body's liking, it is worthy of it's ranking on reputation alone.
5/5
Skirt-
Although it is a bit of a man thing, Real Ale that is, there always seems to be a few birds knocking around, although not of the fur coat, no knickers variety.
2/5
Crowd-
From off duty police man, to scrap collecting pikeys, this place has the lot. A little bit top heavy with the bearded ale type, it does serve all kinds of the stuff, it also gets a good sprinkling of Bantams fans on match day. An affable place, and an excellent place to for drinking.
4/5
Benderability-
I have a shocking confession to make here. I have never been drunk in this establishment. Not even tipsy. That doesn't mean it won't happen, in fact I am going to make it a mission to get at least half cut in here one time. It has loads of potential.
5/5
4. City Vaults, Bradford City Centre
Atmosphere-
One of the last decent pubs in Bradford city centre (along with the Shoulder of Mutton, which misses out because although it has the best beer garden in town, it is a Sam Smiths pub, and I don't like Sam Smiths), although Helmet says it's a gay bar, because we were once in there and a camp couple was snuggling. An excellent interior is conducive to drinking. In fact it is so pleasant, that you easily forget you are in fact in one of the shabbiest town centres in the United Kingdom.
5/5
Skirt-
Helmet reckons they are all lesbians, because it's a gay bar, but there is always a fair cross section. of all shapes and sizes. The Eastern Europeans working the bar a definite bonus.
4/5
Crowd-
All right, I have to give him this one, that on occasion there are a few shirt lifters about, which is fine by me, but that doesn't make it the Blue Oyster Bar. In fact there always seems to be more of a Goth crowd early doors, that slowly makes way for a couples/older set. A good pub, no doubt.
4/5
Benderability-
An excellent setting for a Bender, at anytime of day. Weekends are good, tea times are good, any nights good. Has been visited on a few FA Cup Benders, but the two nights that stick in the memory are the infamous Casino night, when we went gambling after necking loads of Jagermeisters, and Crespos birthday. If you find yourself stuck in town, it's really the only option. You can find it just round the back of Waterstones. Quality.
5/5
3. Fanny's Ale House, Saltaire
Atmosphere-
A fine place to drink beer, although quite a few of Shoutys Saltaire Posse prefer the Vic across the road. Something to do with the landlord apparently... Anyway, this converted Chip shop ticks all the right boxes for me. It has character, the clientele are more interested in drinking than scrapping, and it is not part of some faceless Pubco that is ripping all and sundry off. Full marks then.
5/5
Skirt-
Pretty good. Not a pick up joint, but it ain't full of hairy moose's wearing skin tight clothes that are two sizes to small either.
3/5
Crowd-
Similar to the Fighting Cock, but without the Pikeys. A refreshing lack of track suited chavs is also a welcome bonus. The mix is good, and it has a laid back vibe that is very conducive to getting pleasantly pissed.
5/5
Benderability-
Good, even though it can be a bit tricky getting served, as it is always packed. The Warsteiner is to be watched mind. It goes down a treat, but packs a bit of an headache the next day, which is surprising for a German brew. Have been wankered in here on a few occasions, most notably on Shoutys mad mission, when he later fell asleep in a park.
5/5
2. The New Beehive, White Abbey Road, Bradford
Atmosphere-
This, to my mind at least, is what every English pub should aspire to be. It is split into four different rooms. The saloon is an Edwardian gem, wooden bar, open fire place and just the right kind of dingy. The Pool room is spacious, no need for a sawn of cue. It has a big bar area, not quite a lounge, featuring to murals dedicated to departed icons of music and film. In the back there is a nice snug, also with open fire. The courtyard outback is perfect on a warm sunny day. The toilets stink, fair enough, but I suppose you can't have everything.
5/5
Skirt-
The odd passing "Lady of the Night" aside, there is a few, often of the alternative/student type, but with a night club downstairs, there are occasions when the ratio is good.
2/5
Crowd-
A rag tag of all and sundry. From flute playing BoHo's to Scallys on the make, this place encompasses just about every walk of life. It has always been a favourite haunt of the alternative lot, and it has a good reputation as a music venue. It also has more than it fair share of characters, including a cat loving Rasta who plays bongos. Popular on match days, especially away fans in the know.
4/5
Benderability-
Fantastic. From it's massive selection of spirits, via it's real ales, through to the Leffe on draught, it has all your needs to sustain a bender. Got shit faced in here after a freezing cold night game, with Big Al, The Boy and Mr Winder. Problem has always been it's location, there is fuck all near it, and it is not in the most savoury part of town.
5/5
1. The Upper George, Wibsey
Atmosphere-
A proper boozer. Juke box, sports on the telly, a good crowd and always reasonably busy. I preferred it before it got its lick of paint, I like my pubs a bit weather beaten, but it has lost too much of it's charm. The best place to be on a Friday after work.
5/5
Skirts-
It has got the lot. Cheeky young bar maids, blousy middle aged alkco's, young eye candy and brassy strumpet. There is even the odd bitch fight. Excellent.
5/5
Crowd-
All and sundry. Young bucks getting ready for a night on the tiles, bar propping locals, Bulls/Bantams fans, pissed up Andy Cappers watching the horses and Binge drinking piss heads. Perfect. Considering this mix, I have only seen a handful of scraps over the years, and one of those was Paddy and his best mate. It seems one and all is on the lash.
5/5
Benderability-
My favourite place to get assholed. The amount of times we've been caned here are too many too mention, although we have calmed it down ever so slightly since our mid 90's hey day. Watch out for the low bar stools mind, they have sent me flying on numerous occasions. And watch out for the "shit 'tache" even more. It is as gross as it sounds...
5/5
Honourable Mentions-
The Boy and Barrel- Bradford City Centre
Jacobs Well- Bradford City Centre
Bolt Makers Arms- Keighley
Victoria- Sandy Lane
Atmosphere- Is it a nice place to sup? Is the decor suitable for a drinking marathon? Will you get beaten up? Do your feet stick to the carpet? Is the music to bloody loud? These questions, and more will be answered in this section.
Skirt- If you are a member of the nefarious M.R.S., please refrain from getting your panties in a bunch. This is not a section on how easy it is to pull, but on whether there are some buxom wenches to warm the cockles of a middle aged man, from a distance of course.
Crowd- Is it full of beardy ale purists? Or track suit clad ne'er do wells intent on stabbing you in the eye? Find out in this section.
Benderability- Could you spend a full session in just this boozer?
Well, those are the guidelines, and these are the pubs;
10. Chapel House, Low Moor, Bradford
Atmosphere-
A pub that is as well known for it's grub as it's beer. A nice place to have a few on a night, as through the day it is packed full of folk eating.
3/5
Skirt-
A couples kind of destination, there is always plenty around, but you wouldn't go there just to scope skirt.
2/5
Crowd-
Nice relaxed place, and the fact that it is a place favoured by off duty coppers, means that it is pretty much Chav free.
3/5
Benderability-
Only been semi drunk in here once, but it was a decent evening, and the Starpromen was excellent. After the kitchen shuts, gets a bit livelier.
5/5
9. Malt Shovel, Harden
Atmosphere-
An old style village pub, situated in a semi rural setting. Has a great beer garden, and in fine weather is packed. Relaxed, and for this part of the world, refreshingly unclicky. On the small side, and not particularly cheap, but a fine, safe place to undertake a few pints.
3/5
Skirt-
Not the greatest, unless it is a sunny day, but even then it tends towards the horsey brigade. On a good night you might get a sprinkling of couples, but it is, to my mind at least a bit of a blokes pub.
0/5
Crowd-
A lot of jumper wearers, and a favourite haunt of the well-ish to do, due to it's location. Imagine a pub full of golfers, and you get the gist. they all like a pint though, and to be fair, the clientele is not as up it's self as it's reputation suggests.
3/5
Benderability-
I have been on a couple of decent blowouts in here, most memorably John the Don's birthday in 2008. A good spot for a Friday tea time.
5/5
8. The Star, Bingley
Atmosphere-
It's been a while since I was in, but the place was always spotless. It has a proper tap room and lounge set up, and a pretty decent crowd, all the half pint hero's tend to frequent the pubs along Bingley Main Street.
3/5
Skirt-
Buggered if I know, on my last visit it wasn't bouncing with birds, but that may have been because I was in for a tea time drink. Saying that, it has always tended towards being a geezers pub, football team, darts and the like, so it has to be a big fat nought.
0/5
Crowd-
A bit like the Malt Shovel above, but not quite as well heeled. Instead of golf more of a whippet crowd, and I don't mean that in a bad way. In fact it is probably the better for it, as the folk in there can probably do, or recommend some one who can, stuff that you actually need. If you know what I mean.
3/5
Benderability-
The main reason I have put this pub in at number nine is for nostalgic reasons, as it's the first boozer I ever got served in. Me and Scott Naismith liberated some younger kids lunch money, and blew off Geography on fine afternoon, and decided to chance our luck. I boldly strode up to the bar and asked the barkeep for two halves of best. A few wary glances and we were in! The only problem was just as we sat down, two teachers who must have had a free afternoon walked through the door. Mr Holgate and Mad Ma Franklin if memory serves, So it was a quick couple of gulps and offski. Got absolutely hammered in here on several occasions, the most memorable was when the hippy chick up the road had an open house party. Before we went up, me Scott and Big Rodney Morton got wankered on Pernod. Oh to be 16 again....
5/5
7. Arthur's Bar/Haighys, Lumb Lane, Bradford
Atmosphere-
At the moment known as Haighys, but for folk of my age it will always be Arthur's Bar. A Bradford City pub (it's exterior is painted claret and amber), it is packed to the rafters on match days, and still draws a decent crowd on other nights. The place hasn't changed in decades, which is great, as I couldn't imagine it looking any different. A good little beer garden at the back, that is heated during the winter, to keep those dirty smokers warm.
4/5
Skirt-
Not what it was, after the local residents chased all the prostitutes away. I haven't been in on a non footie night for a while, but to be honest I can't see it being a hot destination for members of the fairer sex. A point for the old days.
1/5
Crowd-
On match day an eclectic mix of hooligans, flat cappers, the odd away fan and a sprinkling of families. On a regular night a bit strange. I should imagine that there would be few Eastern Europeans in there at the moment, as quite a few have settled in the district. There used to a few young Asians as well, which could prove an explosive mix. Have seen, and sad to say been involved in, a few punch ups. I think it isn't as wild now, like I said the hookers have been moved on, and it does get in a few Real Ale folk.
4/5
Benderability-
I used to live just across the road from here when I was in my mid twenties, so I have been arsed in this place on numerous occasions. it was here the I went through my Mad Dog 20/20 phase of quaffing fortified wine, so I cannot remember much of it. Seriously, that stuff will fuck you up. Several times I woke up not having the foggiest of what had happened the night before. It was here we embarked on our massive Bender when the Bantams made into the Premier league.
5/5
6. The Villager, Peel Street, Wilsden
Atmosphere-
A small pub, that can be a bit clicky at times, and damn right rowdy when the younger posse work up a head of steam. It is, I have to report, the closest thing I have to a local, and was my second home for years. Not the greatest setting for a drinking marathon, it is small, and only on room, but it must have something about it, as I have been frequenting the place, on and off, for the last couple of decades. I recommend Saturday tea time for the football results, and Sundays for the afternoon kick off.
2/5
Skirt-
One has to be careful here, as a lot of the skirt who shows up in here is the better half of my friends. But, as The King of the Pixies pointed out on Saturday, there are plenty of young fillies who we don't know coming out these days. The problem though isn't being old enough tom be their dad, it's more that I probably know their dad. Enough said.
4/5
Crowd-
What can I say? I pretty much know everybody who drinks in here, so I have to say, an excellent crew. Handsome, clever and cool. That should earn me a pint.
5/5
Benderability-
Where to start? I have spent more time drunk here than any where else in the world. In fact I was pickled just this Saturday gone. The biggest problem is, if you could call it that. is that I pretty much always have somebody to get pissed with. The time me and Jamon decided to have a contest to decide who loved beer is a particular fond memory. As was Georgia's head wetting, a monster effort, famous for the Queso being so drunk he pissed himself. The only reason the pub only comes in at seven is that it is nobodies favourite, it's likable, but as a pub itself, it ain't all that.
5/5
5.The Fighting Cock, Preston Street, Bradford
Atmosphere-
A Bradford institution, it has been around forever, and still packs them in, even though it is situated in predominantly Muslim area. Loved by CAMRA, and beer drinkers of every hue. Done up in a traditional pub style, it was the last bar in town to use sawdust on the floor. Not to every body's liking, it is worthy of it's ranking on reputation alone.
5/5
Skirt-
Although it is a bit of a man thing, Real Ale that is, there always seems to be a few birds knocking around, although not of the fur coat, no knickers variety.
2/5
Crowd-
From off duty police man, to scrap collecting pikeys, this place has the lot. A little bit top heavy with the bearded ale type, it does serve all kinds of the stuff, it also gets a good sprinkling of Bantams fans on match day. An affable place, and an excellent place to for drinking.
4/5
Benderability-
I have a shocking confession to make here. I have never been drunk in this establishment. Not even tipsy. That doesn't mean it won't happen, in fact I am going to make it a mission to get at least half cut in here one time. It has loads of potential.
5/5
4. City Vaults, Bradford City Centre
Atmosphere-
One of the last decent pubs in Bradford city centre (along with the Shoulder of Mutton, which misses out because although it has the best beer garden in town, it is a Sam Smiths pub, and I don't like Sam Smiths), although Helmet says it's a gay bar, because we were once in there and a camp couple was snuggling. An excellent interior is conducive to drinking. In fact it is so pleasant, that you easily forget you are in fact in one of the shabbiest town centres in the United Kingdom.
5/5
Skirt-
Helmet reckons they are all lesbians, because it's a gay bar, but there is always a fair cross section. of all shapes and sizes. The Eastern Europeans working the bar a definite bonus.
4/5
Crowd-
All right, I have to give him this one, that on occasion there are a few shirt lifters about, which is fine by me, but that doesn't make it the Blue Oyster Bar. In fact there always seems to be more of a Goth crowd early doors, that slowly makes way for a couples/older set. A good pub, no doubt.
4/5
Benderability-
An excellent setting for a Bender, at anytime of day. Weekends are good, tea times are good, any nights good. Has been visited on a few FA Cup Benders, but the two nights that stick in the memory are the infamous Casino night, when we went gambling after necking loads of Jagermeisters, and Crespos birthday. If you find yourself stuck in town, it's really the only option. You can find it just round the back of Waterstones. Quality.
5/5
3. Fanny's Ale House, Saltaire
Atmosphere-
A fine place to drink beer, although quite a few of Shoutys Saltaire Posse prefer the Vic across the road. Something to do with the landlord apparently... Anyway, this converted Chip shop ticks all the right boxes for me. It has character, the clientele are more interested in drinking than scrapping, and it is not part of some faceless Pubco that is ripping all and sundry off. Full marks then.
5/5
Skirt-
Pretty good. Not a pick up joint, but it ain't full of hairy moose's wearing skin tight clothes that are two sizes to small either.
3/5
Crowd-
Similar to the Fighting Cock, but without the Pikeys. A refreshing lack of track suited chavs is also a welcome bonus. The mix is good, and it has a laid back vibe that is very conducive to getting pleasantly pissed.
5/5
Benderability-
Good, even though it can be a bit tricky getting served, as it is always packed. The Warsteiner is to be watched mind. It goes down a treat, but packs a bit of an headache the next day, which is surprising for a German brew. Have been wankered in here on a few occasions, most notably on Shoutys mad mission, when he later fell asleep in a park.
5/5
2. The New Beehive, White Abbey Road, Bradford
Atmosphere-
This, to my mind at least, is what every English pub should aspire to be. It is split into four different rooms. The saloon is an Edwardian gem, wooden bar, open fire place and just the right kind of dingy. The Pool room is spacious, no need for a sawn of cue. It has a big bar area, not quite a lounge, featuring to murals dedicated to departed icons of music and film. In the back there is a nice snug, also with open fire. The courtyard outback is perfect on a warm sunny day. The toilets stink, fair enough, but I suppose you can't have everything.
5/5
Skirt-
The odd passing "Lady of the Night" aside, there is a few, often of the alternative/student type, but with a night club downstairs, there are occasions when the ratio is good.
2/5
Crowd-
A rag tag of all and sundry. From flute playing BoHo's to Scallys on the make, this place encompasses just about every walk of life. It has always been a favourite haunt of the alternative lot, and it has a good reputation as a music venue. It also has more than it fair share of characters, including a cat loving Rasta who plays bongos. Popular on match days, especially away fans in the know.
4/5
Benderability-
Fantastic. From it's massive selection of spirits, via it's real ales, through to the Leffe on draught, it has all your needs to sustain a bender. Got shit faced in here after a freezing cold night game, with Big Al, The Boy and Mr Winder. Problem has always been it's location, there is fuck all near it, and it is not in the most savoury part of town.
5/5
1. The Upper George, Wibsey
Atmosphere-
A proper boozer. Juke box, sports on the telly, a good crowd and always reasonably busy. I preferred it before it got its lick of paint, I like my pubs a bit weather beaten, but it has lost too much of it's charm. The best place to be on a Friday after work.
5/5
Skirts-
It has got the lot. Cheeky young bar maids, blousy middle aged alkco's, young eye candy and brassy strumpet. There is even the odd bitch fight. Excellent.
5/5
Crowd-
All and sundry. Young bucks getting ready for a night on the tiles, bar propping locals, Bulls/Bantams fans, pissed up Andy Cappers watching the horses and Binge drinking piss heads. Perfect. Considering this mix, I have only seen a handful of scraps over the years, and one of those was Paddy and his best mate. It seems one and all is on the lash.
5/5
Benderability-
My favourite place to get assholed. The amount of times we've been caned here are too many too mention, although we have calmed it down ever so slightly since our mid 90's hey day. Watch out for the low bar stools mind, they have sent me flying on numerous occasions. And watch out for the "shit 'tache" even more. It is as gross as it sounds...
5/5
Honourable Mentions-
The Boy and Barrel- Bradford City Centre
Jacobs Well- Bradford City Centre
Bolt Makers Arms- Keighley
Victoria- Sandy Lane
Le Grande Buffoon 2010
A new leader has emerged, replacing yours truly. The incident took place in the Villager, after a skin full of course, and the were issued, and agreed upon by me, John the Don and the King of the Pixies. We were talking the usual tripe, when we got onto the subject of local misfit the Jesus Man, and wondered who else would qualify as a Bradford legend. The Yorkshire Ripper's name was mentioned to which Crespo piped up, "He can't be, he's from Middlesborough." If that was worth one point, his effort to justify himself were worth a definite two, when he brought up the hoax tape recordings as evidence that he was from the North-East. It appears our lanky Goodfella is the only person in the country who didn't know they were fake. Bless. Three points take him to the summit.
Current 2010 Standings
Current 2010 Standings
- Crespo 8 points
- Euro Bri 6 points
- Charlie Child Catcher 4 points
- Gareeeeeee 4 points
- Mikey D 3 Points
- John the Don 2 points
- San 1 Point
- Grande Queso 1 point
- Shotuy 1 point
Away Day
It looks like all systems go for the first Away Day of 2010. The date is the 20th of February and the destination is Accrington, to see the Bantams take on Stanley. As things stand in the league, it looks to be a mid table, going no where kind of clash, but what the Hell, it's not all about glory. Signed up so far is myself, Crespo and Shotgun, with the possibility that we can drag Sprocket down to our level. Of course it is an open invitation, but the M.R.S. seem to have some form of death grip on a lot of members, so I do not envision a great crowd. The only other away fixture that takes my fancy, is too Chesterfiled, to visit Saltergate before the Spirerites follow the depressing trend of moving to some soulless out of town stadium for the 2010/11 season. Of course if by some miracle we string a succession of wins together, and get amongst the play off places, there could be more to come. But judging recent performances, it may be more prudent to begin scouting Conference teams for our Away days next year.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tired and Cranky
Had a monster hangover yesterday, so blogging was the last thought on my swollen mind, and today I am just tired and cranky. All this and I have to try and get some money back off a credit card company. Lovely. I aim to update fully tomorrow, including news of a new leader in the race for Le Maillot Jaune 2010, a forthcoming Away Day/Bender and other assorted nonsense. As for now, I am off to get in touch with my camp side, and watch the cheesefest that is Glee. Makes you proud to be from Ohio......
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Cry Babys Howl
Over the last few weeks, the Righteous Euro boys have suffered through a series of injuries that would have had Rafa Benitez or Alex Ferguson bleating like lambs at the slaughterhouse, but we have stoically kept our council and played on, suffering defeat after defeat. Last night the JMF lost chief goal poacher Dead Eye early doors, and also had Luklear, and to a lesser degree Funky slowed by knocks. The first injury meant Dead eye spent the rest of the night in nets, which considering that he has played like Gordon banks over the previous couple of months, didn't really count as a handicap, a fact evidenced by several top drawer saves. But did this stop the Mincers of the JMF crying like a Frenchman? Did it bolloxs. We were constantly reminded that they were down to four fit players, but only after they went behind. Which wasn't till the halfway point of the game. And once we opened up a healthy lead, they went into overdrive (Big Phil and Luklear excepted). The simple fact of the matter is that we were fucking brilliant, except when we weren't, in which case we were shit. If that makes sense. We got off to an excellent start, the return of Clogs gave us the mobility we have been sorely lacking, and but for our usual profligacy, the game would have been over before the injury to Dead Eye.
But you have to give the man lovers their dues, they are nothing if not tenacious, and not only drew level, but some how opened a two goal lead. but we were not panicked, and a hithero unknown talent for scoring was shown by Shouty, who found space at will, and racked up several scores. but it was the fluidity that was good to see again, as the slick passing play displayed by all on the Euro sides, was breathtaking at times. Shotgun lead the line superbly, opening space for myself and Clogs, but alos making room for the Mercenary to burst through form the back to pepper the goals. If it hadn't been for some great saves by Dead Eye, a couple of Magoo-ish misses ( Shouts missed an open net) and generous sportsmanship from the boys in white, it may well have been a track meet. The final balance sheet, was six goals in credit for the Righteous. But next week could be an odd one. The injury pile up means we may, no will, be short of players on both sides, so the sides that do turn out will bear no resemblance to the usual teams.
JMF- Funky, Big Phil, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon
EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Dr Shotgun
2010 Season
JMF wins - 1
Euro Elite - 1
Draws - 0
But you have to give the man lovers their dues, they are nothing if not tenacious, and not only drew level, but some how opened a two goal lead. but we were not panicked, and a hithero unknown talent for scoring was shown by Shouty, who found space at will, and racked up several scores. but it was the fluidity that was good to see again, as the slick passing play displayed by all on the Euro sides, was breathtaking at times. Shotgun lead the line superbly, opening space for myself and Clogs, but alos making room for the Mercenary to burst through form the back to pepper the goals. If it hadn't been for some great saves by Dead Eye, a couple of Magoo-ish misses ( Shouts missed an open net) and generous sportsmanship from the boys in white, it may well have been a track meet. The final balance sheet, was six goals in credit for the Righteous. But next week could be an odd one. The injury pile up means we may, no will, be short of players on both sides, so the sides that do turn out will bear no resemblance to the usual teams.
JMF- Funky, Big Phil, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon
EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Dr Shotgun
2010 Season
JMF wins - 1
Euro Elite - 1
Draws - 0
Guinness versus Kolsch
Can Shoutys favourite brew be halted? It has seen off all competition to date, although it only just squeaked past Corona. In it's path stands Irelands most famous export, Guinness, which is loved by many, but also loathed by a few. It is a drink that out the Pasty in Cornish, aka El Grande Queso. A tough one for myself. I love Kolsch, but Guinness is perfect for when one has overdone the lager/Kolsch/Pilsner style of fizzy beer. I am going to have to ponder on this one.
Kolsch
I have absolutely no idea what the advert is about, but it is for Kolsch, and believe me, they are not easy to come by. I reckon it's a bunch of Krauts getting pissed, in Cologne, because it is cold. Which is just fine by me.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Le Grande Buffoon 2010
A fallow start to the Buffoon season, as since October there hasn't been much to report. But with the weather causing havoc to the weekends football fixtures, there looked to a chance for that to be rectified, as we all pitched up in the pub at one o'clock, with nothing to do but drink. That was until about tea time, when a few concerned looks were noticed by half cut fella's snatching glances at their watches. It could only mean one thing. The Evil M.R.S. were on the prowl. Queso had dumped the kids on his unsuspecting spouse, and she was making it quite clear that she wasn't having him crawl through the door hammered. Ditto Maffy, whose terrier like partner is not known for her easy going demeanour, and tolerance. He looked like he might have been ready to do battle, but he didn't have enough brass to drink himself to suitable state to take her on. Sandro slipped out soon after, tail tucked between his legs, as baby sitting duty beckoned. My last hope, Crespo also had some child minding of his own to undertake, but was in drinking mode now, and stayed for several one for the roads, before discretion got the better of valour, and he rang a taxi. So that left me with Charlie Child Catcher, and I am afraid I am too long in the tooth to get plastered with an eighteen year old who sings Leeds United songs and winds everybody up when he is arsed. So I jumped in a cab with Crespo, got a Chinese, and was passed out on the sofa for nine thirty. I should be used to it now, as it was my day off. When i have to work, every one goes out all day and night, and then sleeps it off, while I have to toil away with a hangover.
But back to the Buffoonery. With so many of us out, you figured it was only a matter of time till the floodgates opened, and John the Don got us off to a good start, bless him. Somebody asked what channel the football was on "It's on that Spanish one" said the blond bombshell. "Spanish?" I enquired. "Yeah. It's on that ESPN" he said. "But thta's an American company" I told him. " I thought it was short for Espagna!" he replied. Two points to the Don. But he had a dinner date and had to leave, and although there was general tom foolery for the remainder of the afternoon, no points were scored.
Current 2010 Standings
But back to the Buffoonery. With so many of us out, you figured it was only a matter of time till the floodgates opened, and John the Don got us off to a good start, bless him. Somebody asked what channel the football was on "It's on that Spanish one" said the blond bombshell. "Spanish?" I enquired. "Yeah. It's on that ESPN" he said. "But thta's an American company" I told him. " I thought it was short for Espagna!" he replied. Two points to the Don. But he had a dinner date and had to leave, and although there was general tom foolery for the remainder of the afternoon, no points were scored.
Current 2010 Standings
- Euro Bri 6 points
- Crespo 5 points
- Charlie Child Catcher 4 points
- Gareeeeeee 4 points
- Mikey D 3 Points
- John the Don 2 points
- San 1 Point
- Grande Queso 1 point
- Shotuy 1 point
Travelling Baz
I know it is a bit sad, but I can't help but keep tabs on Super Barry Conlons career. Last season, after going out on the lash with Matty Clarke, our Smooth Headed Testosterone heavy hero was banished from the team, and found himself banished on loan to the backwaters off Grimsby Town, who at the time of his arrival look doomed to the Blue Square Conference. But the Bazmeister got his cape back from the dry cleaners, and went on a mad scoring spree, thus rescuing the Mariners from the ignominy of the semi professional ranks. But some nefarious ne'er do well must have sprinkled Kryptonite on the pitch at Blundell Park, as Bazza saw the red mist, and was sent off not once but twice, as they sunk into the bottom two. It was at this moment he seemed to disappear off the radar. But what was that I noticed in the results section of the Sunday Times? Chesterfield Town had beaten Torquay one nil, with a goal scored by a chap with the surname Conlon. Could it be one and the same? It most certainly was, as the Travelling Bazza scored on his debut, making it 116 goals in 431 games, for 12 different clubs. If only he had been picked to play for Ireland against France.....
Queso's STD
Calm down, the Bender Squads captain of industry hasn't got himself a case of the clap. No, in a bid to relieve his boredom he thought up a new game for the blog, to replace, temporarily, McEuro, who is sailing the seven seas, as we speak, to gather more McPhotos. His idea was not to to guess the Sexually Transmitted Disease, but to Spot The Difference. I have to admit a touch of trepidation, it didn't sound the most original of ideas when he pitched it too me over the phone, but persevered, and I fetched the camera as we went out for a few beers on Saturday afternoon, seeing as the football was postponed. Now please bear in mind this is our first attempt, and the quality of the poses began to deteriorate as the day wore on. For a start there was only supposed to be one difference per pair of of photos, so under the ones that have more I will point out the flaws. There is a prize on offer, donated by the Grand Fromage, a shiny one pound coin. If it is a success, I will run it again, although it may have to wait till I get my new camera in a couple of weeks. So here we go, please leave your answers in the comments section. It will run until there is a winner, although all answers have to concur with the ones that were agreed upon when the shots were taken. trust me a couple are extremely easy....
Now for the second pair. Please don't be mistaken for the change in the look on Sandro's face, that is not the answer we are looking for....
If you can not get this next one, you posses the brain wattage of an invertebrate..
Next up......
There was supposed to be a fifth STD, but Maffy moved at the crucial moment, so it turned out more of a spot the what's the same, but I will include it as an out take. This one doesn't require an answer, and will not count towards the prize.
Good luck.
Now for the second pair. Please don't be mistaken for the change in the look on Sandro's face, that is not the answer we are looking for....
If you can not get this next one, you posses the brain wattage of an invertebrate..
Next up......
There was supposed to be a fifth STD, but Maffy moved at the crucial moment, so it turned out more of a spot the what's the same, but I will include it as an out take. This one doesn't require an answer, and will not count towards the prize.
Good luck.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Shit Beer, Good Piss Take
Over the last few weeks I have posted a couple of threads showing the Heineken "Walk in fridge" ad campaign from Holland. Very funny they are, but you have to hand it to their rival Dutch brewers Bavaria (?) for coming up with this excellent riposte. Shame their beer tastes like piss......
Battle of the Brews.....Final Four
The replay has finished, and it was a comprehensive win for the black stuff, as Heineken, quite surprisingly fell at the last eight hurdle. So after months of qualifiers, and knockout rounds, we have our Final Four. One Irish, one American and two German beers remain in the quest to determine which brew will be named "Official Beer of the Bender Squad." I am not going to do the first tie tonight, but I can reveal the semi final draw, which was carried out independently by the future president, Ike. It is as follows:
- Guinness versus Kolsch
- DAB versus Rolling Rock
Work? Why Bother!
So the lazy, sorry poor, get free housing. We pay out of our taxes to feed them, clothe them, and to allow them to procreate at will. Freezing weather? While the hard working among us make do with a jumper, those who are "disadvantaged" get emergency fuel payments to keep toasty and warm, while they settle down for an afternoon of Jeremy Kyle repeats, on the satellite channels we so kindly pay for. But that doesn't appear to be quite enough. Gordon Brown thinks the poor need to join the Internet age, and his latest ruse, cost to the tax payer estimated at £300 million, is to provide up to 270,000 of the poorest families a free broadband connection, along with a shiny new lap top, which of course will require a top of the range wireless router. His aim is that parents will able to connect to their offspring's school to monitor their progress. A very noble idea, indeed.
But Mr Brown lives in that strange bubble called Westminster, where everything can be fixed with a wave of a magic wand of legislation, and a big fat slice of public money. He, unlike you and I, cannot see the gaping holes in this ill judged policy. Number one, he is making a huge assumption that the parents of poorest mites actually care about their kids going to school, never mind how they are progressing academically. Which begs the question itself, that wouldn't cash strapped schools benefit from the hardware more? I would reckon that there would a greater surge in new face book accounts, than homework completed. And who is going to make sure that all this gear doesn't end up on the shelves of Cash Converters to finance a good old fashioned Bender down the local Wetherspoons on a Tuesday afternoon? No body, that's who. The biggest question we need to ask ourselves is, what's the point of working at all?
Stop the Nonsense!!
But Mr Brown lives in that strange bubble called Westminster, where everything can be fixed with a wave of a magic wand of legislation, and a big fat slice of public money. He, unlike you and I, cannot see the gaping holes in this ill judged policy. Number one, he is making a huge assumption that the parents of poorest mites actually care about their kids going to school, never mind how they are progressing academically. Which begs the question itself, that wouldn't cash strapped schools benefit from the hardware more? I would reckon that there would a greater surge in new face book accounts, than homework completed. And who is going to make sure that all this gear doesn't end up on the shelves of Cash Converters to finance a good old fashioned Bender down the local Wetherspoons on a Tuesday afternoon? No body, that's who. The biggest question we need to ask ourselves is, what's the point of working at all?
Stop the Nonsense!!
Perfume...The Real Reason it Exists
This may be a bit late, seeing as the deluge of fragrance adverts has subsided since it's Christmas peak, but I feel like a rant, so here it is. Years ago beer ads were stopped, by Government legislation no less, from giving the impression that supping loads of ale made you irresistible to the opposite sex. Fair enough, we all know this to be true, just ask the Elster when I venture into the boudoir after a Friday session down the George, but I got to thinking, why does the same not apply to smellies?
Let's not beat about the bush. The models/actresses that peddle the stuff on TV could smell like sweaty arse crack, and you would still rodger them all night long, although chance would be a fine thing. So let's slightly lower our sights. How many of you out there picked up your current squeeze because she smelled like an over strong car air freshener? None of you did. It was either because she was blind drunk, or your mate said she was a sure thing. In fact, I hazard most of you out there would be suspicious of women who over does the impulse. What is it that she is trying to cover up? A trouty gash? I know my first instinct when confronted by a bird who has overdone the flowery stuff is not one of wild lust. More than likely it will induce a sneezing fit. So it's no good either for the lady folk that fall into our catchment zone. That leaves the fat chicks, and I am afraid it's no good for them either. That is the job of beer. So if you are a bit of a bloater, save that £50 you were going to spend on something called"Eternity" or "Orgasam" and get yourself a case of Stella and get your quarry wankered. Job done at half the price. You can thank me later.
So what is the real purpose of the vast array of fragrances that are available? Simple. It is to provide us numb nuts males with something to get you for Christmas, cause we have absolutely no idea, and even less interest, in what you actually want.
Let's not beat about the bush. The models/actresses that peddle the stuff on TV could smell like sweaty arse crack, and you would still rodger them all night long, although chance would be a fine thing. So let's slightly lower our sights. How many of you out there picked up your current squeeze because she smelled like an over strong car air freshener? None of you did. It was either because she was blind drunk, or your mate said she was a sure thing. In fact, I hazard most of you out there would be suspicious of women who over does the impulse. What is it that she is trying to cover up? A trouty gash? I know my first instinct when confronted by a bird who has overdone the flowery stuff is not one of wild lust. More than likely it will induce a sneezing fit. So it's no good either for the lady folk that fall into our catchment zone. That leaves the fat chicks, and I am afraid it's no good for them either. That is the job of beer. So if you are a bit of a bloater, save that £50 you were going to spend on something called"Eternity" or "Orgasam" and get yourself a case of Stella and get your quarry wankered. Job done at half the price. You can thank me later.
So what is the real purpose of the vast array of fragrances that are available? Simple. It is to provide us numb nuts males with something to get you for Christmas, cause we have absolutely no idea, and even less interest, in what you actually want.
Mobility Scooter Required
So the season belatedly got underway down the Wood last night, although one side was ravaged by injuries. And it wasn't the shirt lifters. With Clogs and Two Scoops laid up with knocks, the Righteous Elite were left fielding what can most politely be described as a pedestrian outfit. This didn't mean that we gave up, in fact we played extremely well, but could never gain the required margin of goals that would hold off the eventual onslaught. Scoring chances were made, but yet again Funky and Dead Eye proved too staunch a barrier. We did carry a lead late into the game though, as myself, Shouty, Shotgun and The Mercenary rattled in some quality strikes. At the halfway mark, we were kicking on, being two gaols to the good, but already we were beginning to slow down, and a three goal blast by the lady dodgers saw them take a lead that was not to be relinquished. The difference yet again was Luklear war, whose tender years , and ability to track back, made the crucial breakthrough. Dead Eye was struggling with his new trainers, but Funky and King Dave picked up the slack. The seven goal deficit that we ultimately succumbed too, was no reflection on our actual performance. The worrying thing though, is the fact that we could be without our missing comrades for yet another week. A shaky start to the season, as we strive to conquer the forces of evil, and regain our right full place as masters of the Wood.
JMF- Funky, King Dave, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon
EURO E- Euro Bri, Big Phil, The Mercenary, Shouty and Dr Shotgun
2009 Season
JMF wins - 1
Euro Elite - 0
Draws - 0
JMF- Funky, King Dave, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon
EURO E- Euro Bri, Big Phil, The Mercenary, Shouty and Dr Shotgun
2009 Season
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Top Ten.......Buffoons of the Noughties
I am trying out this new thread, Top Tens, inspired by the recent list programmes on the tube, and articles in the newspapers that celebrated the best of the decade. Of course I am not going to keep on dredging up stuff from last ten years, but I thought it might be fun to draw up a couple of top tens from 2000-2009, before settling into whatever might wander into my mind on any given day. I am going to try and make it a weekly thread, idleness permitting, The first one that I wanted to do was the "Le Plus Grand Buffoon" to find out just who was the biggest clown of the Noughties. So I am going to. This is a very subjective list, and although I have taken some counsel, is mainly based on my own opinion. So in reverse order;
10. Mad Ad
Signature Move- "The Dinosaur"
Imagine a drunken T Rex and you get the picture. Face frozen in drunken roar pose, with arms pulled up to chest in a limp wristed manner.
Maillot Jaunes- 0
Closest call came in 2006, where his drunkenness at the Oktoberfest was legendary. (see photo below)
Highlights 2000-2009
Getting sacked from his job for pretending to shoot apprentice with toy gun.
Asking if company had a canteen and rubbing his belly in a job interview.
Going for a piss in Munich airport, whilst everybody went to the hotel, meaning he spent a chunk of his spends on a cab.
Prospects 2010-2019- Fulham
Can compete with the big boys, but can't sustain it over a full season. Always makes the important occasions, but isn't much of a casual comrade these days, a combination of finances, living in the sticks and a penchant for bossy women, means he doesn't get in the appearances to make a lengthy run at the title. But when he does come out there is is always the possibly that he can attain a level that makes him a perennial dark horse.
9. Crespo
Signature Move- "The Bambi"
Only occurs when he is proper hammered, and looses the use of his voice, as he stands with a crooked grin, and his big doe eyes.
Maillot Jaunes-0
Closest call would have been 2004, but seeing as I had dreamt up this annual award until a year later, I would have to say 2008, but to be honest he has never really come close to winning it yet.
Highlights 2000-2009
Trying to hoover up passing pedestrians from his third floor Paris hotel, after munching his way through several hash cookies.
Spending €50 on boxer shorts and socks, after forgetting to pack them on our trip to Munich. Only too find out at the hotel that he had packed them after all.
Asking a grieving French widow, loudly in English, how to get to Jim Morrisons grave.
Prospects 2010-2019- Aston Villa
Destined for the big time? Or fated to always fail at the last, just shy of the big guns? I think he is the darkest of dark horses. Up until now, he has always had the advantage of hiding in the shadows of heavy weights like Funky, Shouty and even Lobon, but as there presence has ebbed, he has come more and more to the fore. An immanent bambino might see him go the same way, but I think he will be a serious contender one of these years.
8. El Grande Queso
Signature Move- "The Steak"
A mellower version of his former Cornish Pasty trait. Involves waving a substance suitable to his standing, ie Champagne Bottle, Gambling Chip, Cigar etc. in a threatening manner, whilst bellowing "Don't you know who I am?" Best example came with a cut of sirloin at the local Gala casino.
Maillot Jaune- 0
A serious contender in 2006. A week of German lager, Long Island Ice tea's and sleep deprivation during a week of the World Cup saw a couple of fine displays in both Munster and Cologne. Only a stellar showing by the John the Don, and to a lesser degree Funky, saw him miss out on a title.
Highlights 2000-2009
Chasing the bouncers around a casino, with a glass of champers in one hand, waving a lump of steak in the other. I would have loved to have seen the security film.
Munster Madness, let's blame it on the Moonlight.
Demonstrating his contempt for money in Cologne by jumping up and down on his £200 sun glasses, while inebriated. Spent the next day squinting in the sun.
Prospects 2010-2019- Manchester City
Has the brass to make most every occasion, and when he is on a Bender loves to live the high life. Has excellent endurance, so never misses a night out, and having an opinion on most everything, means a high potential for the verbal faux pas. Another one who might prosper due to the demise of others.
7. The Boy Dazzler
Signature Move- "The Headlock"
Anybody who has had the pleasure of the Boy will be familiar with this show of affection. When drunk, he get's an unstoppable urge to grasp his companion, or any body he knows within the vicinity, get them in a headlock, and rubs there head furiously. A classic.
Maillott Jaune- 0
What could have been. Always a fixture in the top echelon during the late '90's and right up till approximately 2007, the Boy was an annual contender. But then he disappeared. He had done a hermit before, but this came out of the blue. Best years were 2005 and 2007.
Highlights 2000-2009
When confronted with a swear jar, he shouted "Arse, shit, fuck" emptied the contents of his pockets and passed out.
Being chased out of an Amsterdam booth by an irate Turkish minder.
Hiding his money from a Las Vegas hooker so well, that he couldn't find it the next morning.
Refusing to budge, after getting lost in Portsmouth with Geester and Jamon. He called them idiots and marched off in the wrong direction, disappearing for a good hour or so. I know this, because we watched him from the window of "the lost hotel"
Harrassing a beleaguered Parisian, who he thought was Al Pacino.
Prospects 2010-2019-Leeds United
Sleeping giant. From the dizzy heights to obscurity. Tough work schedule and health issues beg the question of whether the best is behind him. Tentative steps to rehabilitate him back into the squad are at early stages. It looks as if his best hopes of a yellow jersey lay in the past.
6. Lobon
Signature Move- "The Mick"
As in throwing a "mick" the only squad member whose Christian name is used as a verb, to describe a fit of unprovoked rage. Best displays are usually found when he is playing football. A classic example entails him trembling with indignation, interspersing each word uttered with an expletive. Rant is often ill thought out and descends into pure gibberish.
Maillott Jaunes-0
Another one who benefits from his halcyon days being before the award was bestowed. A classic sufferer off foot in mouth, he is also very capable of genuine buffoonery of the slapstick variety.
Highlights 2000-2009
The erection incident in Thailand that earned him his nom de plume.
Not being able to find the toilets in a Paris titty bar just as the floor show started.
His parade of Top Gear challenge vehicles.
Trying to talk Thai to a naked Thai bar girl in the Banana Bar. She wasn't impressed in the slightest.
Prospects 2010-2019 Newcastle United
Once a member of the elite, now firmly trapped in the second tier. His heart isn't in the UK any longer, and before the decade is out, I fully expect him to be resident in the land of smiles. As the worlds unluckiest man, he deserves a slice of good fortune, but this means his time to push himself back into the reckoning is probably going to dictate a title will be out of his reach.
5. Helmet
Signature Move- "The Foghorn"
A difficult one to come up with a single word. This was the best one I could think of to describe the naturally amplified Helmet. When someone pulls a boner of some description, or our hero is amused by something, he emits the loudest, most sardonic laugh known to man.
Maillott Jaunes- 1
The first of the title winners on this list, and current champion. perennial contender.
Highlights 2000-2009
Saturday the first of August 2009, Edinburgh. One of the most sustained shows of Buffoonery your correspondent has ever witnessed. From flying Rickshaws, to death threats, this was the display that sealed the 2009 crown.
All attempts at DIY. Testing the drainage on his bath tub, after he had removed the u-bend is a prime example.
His dive into the murky waters of the river Langan, Belfast, off the decking of a local pub.
The "ski slope" he made in his house, where he rode suitcases down his steps.
The freezing New Years Eve, when he decided to roller blade home, in boots that were too small, on sheet ice. We had to call an ambulance after he broke his leg, after falling on the second step of the front door.
Prospects 2010-2019 Arsenal
Always a contender, and wins regularly, although his best performances seem to be reserved for shindigs at home. Apart from the odd escapade in Europe, all his best work seems to reserved for the United kingdom. His love of partying means he will remain a contender, probably until he takes his last breath. The last of the Heavy weights to turn out regularly means it would probably be more of a surprise if he didn't win at least one more yellow jersey.
4. John the Don
Signature Move- "The Money Down"
No matter how hard I tried to think of a word to sum him up, I couldn't. The phrase above sums him up to a tea, as the bombshell is a great believer that anything can be solved by a bung.
Maillot Jaunes-1
2006 winner, hands down. The week in Germany was a real eye opener. Up until then, there had been a suspicion that his blond locks hid an empty head, and the week in the Fatherland proved it.
Highlights 2000-2009
Shouting Viva Espagna!........too a bunch of Mexicans.
Telling a everyone that a passing trike courier, was one of them paraplegics.
Filling up the water tank on our hired camper van with €60 worth of diesel. When it began to spill onto the forecourt, he assumed that he gone past the overspill on the tank. When confronted with the bill, he only coughed up half of it, claiming we all watched him do it.
Sending us into a silver service restaurant in Cologne, on the day of the England match, so he could negotiate us a vantage point for the big screen. we were in one of the poshest dining establishments in the town, dressed in England shirts and shorts. He failed, and we got lumped with five of the most expensive beers in the land.
Dragging us half way up the Irish coast to a restaurant in Portrush. On arrival in that town, he promptly forgot the name of it, so we ended up at KFC.
Entering a push contest with Helmet. After huffing and puffing his way to around fifty push ups, he stood up, out a breath and sweating, only for Tony to tel him he won.
Prospects 2010-2019 Chelsea
The Don has reached that time in his life where money isn't a worry, and he can pretty much do as he pleases. This means we can't afford to go around with him no more. Still we see him often enough, and hear enough of his exploits, that he will surely contend before the decade is up. His total bewilderment at how things work in the 21st century will always produce some scores, and we also have his 70th to look forward too, although he says we are not well heeled enough to go on his goulet trip. He might be right, but Money Down, once you've paid you can do as you please. I predict at least one more Jersey is within his grasp.
3. Shouty
Signature Move- "The Blink"
When he starts blinking, it means trouble. He's either gone into super Shouty mode, or you have pissed him off.
Maillot Jaunes-1
2008 was his breakthrough year, although he contended strongly the year before. Last year he came close to being the first double winner, after finishing in a dead heat with Helmet, but he lost the subsequent tie breaker vote. This from a man who didn't arrive on the scene, or become a full squad member till 2006.
2000-2009 Highlights
The canal boat jump in Amsterdam, when he launched himself from the side of the canal into a passing ship. Dressed in a mini skirt and a gimp mask. Wearing red tights.
Getting in a lift in a Munich hotel, that didn't move, but when it opened the doors, he thought he was on a different floor that looked identical.
Taking pictures with his camera phone in a strip bar. He was lucky to escape with his testicles intact.
Getting stranded in the middle of the dodge 'ums at the Oktoberfest. He wasn't quick enough to get itno one, and had to be rescued by the attendant.
Asking a stranger, on the same night as the incident above, to look after his chocolate heart. The stranger scarpered with it.
Of his wild claims, the best blow job in the world one sticks out in the memory.
Prospects 2010-2019 Manchester United
I will walk butt naked down Wilsden Main Street, on the coldest day of the year, if he doesn't garner at least one more Jersey. He just can't help himself. The only man to appeal against issued points, knowing the penalty for failure was to see them doubled. His actions when on the lash are reckless to say the least, as he cannot stop at just a few, or even drunk. No, it is wankered or nothing. The only obstacles would appear to be financial, as he is just as big an idiot with money, as he is with beer. He is also a bit flaky at the moment, which means we don't see a whole lot of him. Still, when we do, he certainly doesn't disappoint.
2. The Funky Messiah
Signature Move- "The Stare"
If you are a stranger, and want to know if Funky likes you, it is easy to tell. He stares at you. Not a blank one either. But a concentrated stare that wants you to know he is looking. Spooky if you ask me, and the hundreds of folk that been caught in it's glare.
Maillott Jaune-1
Winner 2007, at a canter. Previous contender in 2005, 2006 and looked a shoo in for 2008, but tailed off sharply, after a good start.
Highlights 2000-2009
Refusing to pay a taxi driver, who throttled him with his tie, and then relieved him of his phone.
The grand taxi tour of Paris in 2004, when he couldn't remember the name of his hotel. The trip cost him €50.
Getting his work van nicked when he left it running on Bradfords roughest estate so he could listen to the radio while he worked.
Nearly getting beaten up on the same estate, when he threatened to kill a dog which bit him. Turned out it belonged to the local hard case, who then threatened to kill him.
Crashing into his neighbours car, after being taunted about his driving skills.
Prospects 2010-2019- Liverpool
Hard one this one. Is he about to rediscover the glory years, or is he sliding back into mid table mediocrity? Between his long distance relationship and band commitments, we don't see much of him, but it never takes long for tales of his japery to make it back to us. Add beer and watch him go, as was still evidenced on our recent jaunt to Edinburgh, where but for Helmet, he would have been the Buffoon of the weekend by a mile. He turns 40 this decade, and I do know he hankers after a return to the Oktoberfest. A good each way bet to add to his Jersey haul.
1. Jamon
Signature Move- "The Hands"
Similar to Mad Ads dinosaur, but without the growling face. These come up in more of a jazz hands style when he is shit faced.
Maillot Jaune-1
The first winner, although he has not been close to winning it since. He was a stalwart for the initial five years of the decade, but after 2005 was incarcerated in high security accommodation in Riddlesden after one last epic dis[play of idiocy. Although he only won once, it was the most epically sustained year on record. In fact it was such an impressive effort, that spanned Europe, it created "Le Grand Buffoon" award, as it was felt such a performance deserved some form of recognition.
Highlights 2000-2009
His skip incident in Madrid, that led to mild concussion. He claims to have fallen into one drunk, but there is the possibility of him being beaten up. He probably deserved it.
On the same trip, threatening a taxi driver, who pulled over to reveal himself as a brick shithouse with legs, leading to much backing down.
The whole weekend in Amsterdam, from the passport incident, to nearly missing his flight. You had to see it to believe it.
The time he shit the bed at Sandros, and tried to pass it off as puke. As he scarpered out the door, he could hear poor old Crespo utter the immotal line "Here, this sick smells like shit!"
Prospects 2010-2019 Blackburn Rovers
Hard to belive that not long ago he was a champion. It will be a frosty day in Hell before we see the Jamon of old. Which, to be honest, for his sake is probably not a bad thing. Never a man for half measures, it was always full on for brother Jamon. I doubt we will ever see his performances of 2005 eclipsed, as I mentioned earlier they had to be witnessed to be believed. He was inbetween partners, and when he was of the hook, he was off. In fact if he was still single, I probably would be, as he always had the knack of dragging me out with him. Absolutly no chance of earning another jersey.
So that's MY top ten. I told you it was subjective, and not based on any hard facts. It is just my musings on what went on over the last ten years. But I know what most of the folk reading this thread are thinking. Where the fuck is yours truly. Yes I had my moments. The Munich incident. Throwing up on a landing airplane. But itmis my list, and if it had been a top thriteen I meant have included myself at 13, with Sabdro at 11 and G-Spot at 12. But it is top tens, and I stand mine.
10. Mad Ad
Signature Move- "The Dinosaur"
Imagine a drunken T Rex and you get the picture. Face frozen in drunken roar pose, with arms pulled up to chest in a limp wristed manner.
Maillot Jaunes- 0
Closest call came in 2006, where his drunkenness at the Oktoberfest was legendary. (see photo below)
Highlights 2000-2009
Getting sacked from his job for pretending to shoot apprentice with toy gun.
Asking if company had a canteen and rubbing his belly in a job interview.
Going for a piss in Munich airport, whilst everybody went to the hotel, meaning he spent a chunk of his spends on a cab.
Prospects 2010-2019- Fulham
Can compete with the big boys, but can't sustain it over a full season. Always makes the important occasions, but isn't much of a casual comrade these days, a combination of finances, living in the sticks and a penchant for bossy women, means he doesn't get in the appearances to make a lengthy run at the title. But when he does come out there is is always the possibly that he can attain a level that makes him a perennial dark horse.
9. Crespo
Signature Move- "The Bambi"
Only occurs when he is proper hammered, and looses the use of his voice, as he stands with a crooked grin, and his big doe eyes.
Maillot Jaunes-0
Closest call would have been 2004, but seeing as I had dreamt up this annual award until a year later, I would have to say 2008, but to be honest he has never really come close to winning it yet.
Highlights 2000-2009
Trying to hoover up passing pedestrians from his third floor Paris hotel, after munching his way through several hash cookies.
Spending €50 on boxer shorts and socks, after forgetting to pack them on our trip to Munich. Only too find out at the hotel that he had packed them after all.
Asking a grieving French widow, loudly in English, how to get to Jim Morrisons grave.
Prospects 2010-2019- Aston Villa
Destined for the big time? Or fated to always fail at the last, just shy of the big guns? I think he is the darkest of dark horses. Up until now, he has always had the advantage of hiding in the shadows of heavy weights like Funky, Shouty and even Lobon, but as there presence has ebbed, he has come more and more to the fore. An immanent bambino might see him go the same way, but I think he will be a serious contender one of these years.
8. El Grande Queso
Signature Move- "The Steak"
A mellower version of his former Cornish Pasty trait. Involves waving a substance suitable to his standing, ie Champagne Bottle, Gambling Chip, Cigar etc. in a threatening manner, whilst bellowing "Don't you know who I am?" Best example came with a cut of sirloin at the local Gala casino.
Maillot Jaune- 0
A serious contender in 2006. A week of German lager, Long Island Ice tea's and sleep deprivation during a week of the World Cup saw a couple of fine displays in both Munster and Cologne. Only a stellar showing by the John the Don, and to a lesser degree Funky, saw him miss out on a title.
Highlights 2000-2009
Chasing the bouncers around a casino, with a glass of champers in one hand, waving a lump of steak in the other. I would have loved to have seen the security film.
Munster Madness, let's blame it on the Moonlight.
Demonstrating his contempt for money in Cologne by jumping up and down on his £200 sun glasses, while inebriated. Spent the next day squinting in the sun.
Prospects 2010-2019- Manchester City
Has the brass to make most every occasion, and when he is on a Bender loves to live the high life. Has excellent endurance, so never misses a night out, and having an opinion on most everything, means a high potential for the verbal faux pas. Another one who might prosper due to the demise of others.
7. The Boy Dazzler
Signature Move- "The Headlock"
Anybody who has had the pleasure of the Boy will be familiar with this show of affection. When drunk, he get's an unstoppable urge to grasp his companion, or any body he knows within the vicinity, get them in a headlock, and rubs there head furiously. A classic.
Maillott Jaune- 0
What could have been. Always a fixture in the top echelon during the late '90's and right up till approximately 2007, the Boy was an annual contender. But then he disappeared. He had done a hermit before, but this came out of the blue. Best years were 2005 and 2007.
Highlights 2000-2009
When confronted with a swear jar, he shouted "Arse, shit, fuck" emptied the contents of his pockets and passed out.
Being chased out of an Amsterdam booth by an irate Turkish minder.
Hiding his money from a Las Vegas hooker so well, that he couldn't find it the next morning.
Refusing to budge, after getting lost in Portsmouth with Geester and Jamon. He called them idiots and marched off in the wrong direction, disappearing for a good hour or so. I know this, because we watched him from the window of "the lost hotel"
Harrassing a beleaguered Parisian, who he thought was Al Pacino.
Prospects 2010-2019-Leeds United
Sleeping giant. From the dizzy heights to obscurity. Tough work schedule and health issues beg the question of whether the best is behind him. Tentative steps to rehabilitate him back into the squad are at early stages. It looks as if his best hopes of a yellow jersey lay in the past.
6. Lobon
Signature Move- "The Mick"
As in throwing a "mick" the only squad member whose Christian name is used as a verb, to describe a fit of unprovoked rage. Best displays are usually found when he is playing football. A classic example entails him trembling with indignation, interspersing each word uttered with an expletive. Rant is often ill thought out and descends into pure gibberish.
Maillott Jaunes-0
Another one who benefits from his halcyon days being before the award was bestowed. A classic sufferer off foot in mouth, he is also very capable of genuine buffoonery of the slapstick variety.
Highlights 2000-2009
The erection incident in Thailand that earned him his nom de plume.
Not being able to find the toilets in a Paris titty bar just as the floor show started.
His parade of Top Gear challenge vehicles.
Trying to talk Thai to a naked Thai bar girl in the Banana Bar. She wasn't impressed in the slightest.
Prospects 2010-2019 Newcastle United
Once a member of the elite, now firmly trapped in the second tier. His heart isn't in the UK any longer, and before the decade is out, I fully expect him to be resident in the land of smiles. As the worlds unluckiest man, he deserves a slice of good fortune, but this means his time to push himself back into the reckoning is probably going to dictate a title will be out of his reach.
5. Helmet
Signature Move- "The Foghorn"
A difficult one to come up with a single word. This was the best one I could think of to describe the naturally amplified Helmet. When someone pulls a boner of some description, or our hero is amused by something, he emits the loudest, most sardonic laugh known to man.
Maillott Jaunes- 1
The first of the title winners on this list, and current champion. perennial contender.
Highlights 2000-2009
Saturday the first of August 2009, Edinburgh. One of the most sustained shows of Buffoonery your correspondent has ever witnessed. From flying Rickshaws, to death threats, this was the display that sealed the 2009 crown.
All attempts at DIY. Testing the drainage on his bath tub, after he had removed the u-bend is a prime example.
His dive into the murky waters of the river Langan, Belfast, off the decking of a local pub.
The "ski slope" he made in his house, where he rode suitcases down his steps.
The freezing New Years Eve, when he decided to roller blade home, in boots that were too small, on sheet ice. We had to call an ambulance after he broke his leg, after falling on the second step of the front door.
Prospects 2010-2019 Arsenal
Always a contender, and wins regularly, although his best performances seem to be reserved for shindigs at home. Apart from the odd escapade in Europe, all his best work seems to reserved for the United kingdom. His love of partying means he will remain a contender, probably until he takes his last breath. The last of the Heavy weights to turn out regularly means it would probably be more of a surprise if he didn't win at least one more yellow jersey.
4. John the Don
Signature Move- "The Money Down"
No matter how hard I tried to think of a word to sum him up, I couldn't. The phrase above sums him up to a tea, as the bombshell is a great believer that anything can be solved by a bung.
Maillot Jaunes-1
2006 winner, hands down. The week in Germany was a real eye opener. Up until then, there had been a suspicion that his blond locks hid an empty head, and the week in the Fatherland proved it.
Highlights 2000-2009
Shouting Viva Espagna!........too a bunch of Mexicans.
Telling a everyone that a passing trike courier, was one of them paraplegics.
Filling up the water tank on our hired camper van with €60 worth of diesel. When it began to spill onto the forecourt, he assumed that he gone past the overspill on the tank. When confronted with the bill, he only coughed up half of it, claiming we all watched him do it.
Sending us into a silver service restaurant in Cologne, on the day of the England match, so he could negotiate us a vantage point for the big screen. we were in one of the poshest dining establishments in the town, dressed in England shirts and shorts. He failed, and we got lumped with five of the most expensive beers in the land.
Dragging us half way up the Irish coast to a restaurant in Portrush. On arrival in that town, he promptly forgot the name of it, so we ended up at KFC.
Entering a push contest with Helmet. After huffing and puffing his way to around fifty push ups, he stood up, out a breath and sweating, only for Tony to tel him he won.
Prospects 2010-2019 Chelsea
The Don has reached that time in his life where money isn't a worry, and he can pretty much do as he pleases. This means we can't afford to go around with him no more. Still we see him often enough, and hear enough of his exploits, that he will surely contend before the decade is up. His total bewilderment at how things work in the 21st century will always produce some scores, and we also have his 70th to look forward too, although he says we are not well heeled enough to go on his goulet trip. He might be right, but Money Down, once you've paid you can do as you please. I predict at least one more Jersey is within his grasp.
3. Shouty
Signature Move- "The Blink"
When he starts blinking, it means trouble. He's either gone into super Shouty mode, or you have pissed him off.
Maillot Jaunes-1
2008 was his breakthrough year, although he contended strongly the year before. Last year he came close to being the first double winner, after finishing in a dead heat with Helmet, but he lost the subsequent tie breaker vote. This from a man who didn't arrive on the scene, or become a full squad member till 2006.
2000-2009 Highlights
The canal boat jump in Amsterdam, when he launched himself from the side of the canal into a passing ship. Dressed in a mini skirt and a gimp mask. Wearing red tights.
Getting in a lift in a Munich hotel, that didn't move, but when it opened the doors, he thought he was on a different floor that looked identical.
Taking pictures with his camera phone in a strip bar. He was lucky to escape with his testicles intact.
Getting stranded in the middle of the dodge 'ums at the Oktoberfest. He wasn't quick enough to get itno one, and had to be rescued by the attendant.
Asking a stranger, on the same night as the incident above, to look after his chocolate heart. The stranger scarpered with it.
Of his wild claims, the best blow job in the world one sticks out in the memory.
Prospects 2010-2019 Manchester United
I will walk butt naked down Wilsden Main Street, on the coldest day of the year, if he doesn't garner at least one more Jersey. He just can't help himself. The only man to appeal against issued points, knowing the penalty for failure was to see them doubled. His actions when on the lash are reckless to say the least, as he cannot stop at just a few, or even drunk. No, it is wankered or nothing. The only obstacles would appear to be financial, as he is just as big an idiot with money, as he is with beer. He is also a bit flaky at the moment, which means we don't see a whole lot of him. Still, when we do, he certainly doesn't disappoint.
2. The Funky Messiah
Signature Move- "The Stare"
If you are a stranger, and want to know if Funky likes you, it is easy to tell. He stares at you. Not a blank one either. But a concentrated stare that wants you to know he is looking. Spooky if you ask me, and the hundreds of folk that been caught in it's glare.
Maillott Jaune-1
Winner 2007, at a canter. Previous contender in 2005, 2006 and looked a shoo in for 2008, but tailed off sharply, after a good start.
Highlights 2000-2009
Refusing to pay a taxi driver, who throttled him with his tie, and then relieved him of his phone.
The grand taxi tour of Paris in 2004, when he couldn't remember the name of his hotel. The trip cost him €50.
Getting his work van nicked when he left it running on Bradfords roughest estate so he could listen to the radio while he worked.
Nearly getting beaten up on the same estate, when he threatened to kill a dog which bit him. Turned out it belonged to the local hard case, who then threatened to kill him.
Crashing into his neighbours car, after being taunted about his driving skills.
Prospects 2010-2019- Liverpool
Hard one this one. Is he about to rediscover the glory years, or is he sliding back into mid table mediocrity? Between his long distance relationship and band commitments, we don't see much of him, but it never takes long for tales of his japery to make it back to us. Add beer and watch him go, as was still evidenced on our recent jaunt to Edinburgh, where but for Helmet, he would have been the Buffoon of the weekend by a mile. He turns 40 this decade, and I do know he hankers after a return to the Oktoberfest. A good each way bet to add to his Jersey haul.
1. Jamon
Signature Move- "The Hands"
Similar to Mad Ads dinosaur, but without the growling face. These come up in more of a jazz hands style when he is shit faced.
Maillot Jaune-1
The first winner, although he has not been close to winning it since. He was a stalwart for the initial five years of the decade, but after 2005 was incarcerated in high security accommodation in Riddlesden after one last epic dis[play of idiocy. Although he only won once, it was the most epically sustained year on record. In fact it was such an impressive effort, that spanned Europe, it created "Le Grand Buffoon" award, as it was felt such a performance deserved some form of recognition.
Highlights 2000-2009
His skip incident in Madrid, that led to mild concussion. He claims to have fallen into one drunk, but there is the possibility of him being beaten up. He probably deserved it.
On the same trip, threatening a taxi driver, who pulled over to reveal himself as a brick shithouse with legs, leading to much backing down.
The whole weekend in Amsterdam, from the passport incident, to nearly missing his flight. You had to see it to believe it.
The time he shit the bed at Sandros, and tried to pass it off as puke. As he scarpered out the door, he could hear poor old Crespo utter the immotal line "Here, this sick smells like shit!"
Prospects 2010-2019 Blackburn Rovers
Hard to belive that not long ago he was a champion. It will be a frosty day in Hell before we see the Jamon of old. Which, to be honest, for his sake is probably not a bad thing. Never a man for half measures, it was always full on for brother Jamon. I doubt we will ever see his performances of 2005 eclipsed, as I mentioned earlier they had to be witnessed to be believed. He was inbetween partners, and when he was of the hook, he was off. In fact if he was still single, I probably would be, as he always had the knack of dragging me out with him. Absolutly no chance of earning another jersey.
So that's MY top ten. I told you it was subjective, and not based on any hard facts. It is just my musings on what went on over the last ten years. But I know what most of the folk reading this thread are thinking. Where the fuck is yours truly. Yes I had my moments. The Munich incident. Throwing up on a landing airplane. But itmis my list, and if it had been a top thriteen I meant have included myself at 13, with Sabdro at 11 and G-Spot at 12. But it is top tens, and I stand mine.
Pools Panel, Score Draw
For those of you who were wondering what the score down the Wood was last night, wonder no more. It seems it was to cold for the JMF to venture out. The big Gay lords. That, and the Sports Centre was shut. Fingers crossed that we get the 2010 campaign underway next week.
Is it All That??
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, the must have game of the last year. Shops opened at midnight for it, it shifted millions of units (at £50 a pop) and the good Doctor Shotgun even booked off three days from work to play it. With this kind of hyperbole, I was eager to try it out on my shiny new PS3. But I have to confess to being a bit under whelmed. Was I expecting to much? More than likely. It is a good game, no doubt, but I was kind of bored after about three hours. A bit samey for my liking. Of course the fact that I was shredded like mozzarella cheese on the online multi player mode by sharp shooting ten year old, may have soured my enjoyment. The little blighter seemed to come out of nowhere, time and again, to make mincemeat of this ponder some 42 year old. Bring back Asteroids, say I.
Next week I shall be reporting on how my keister has been whipped playing FIFA 10. The local bowling green beckons I fear.
Next week I shall be reporting on how my keister has been whipped playing FIFA 10. The local bowling green beckons I fear.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
2010 Preview
So what can we expect over the next twelve months? Well so far we have only made definite plans for two Benders. Today marks 100 days till we set foot once again in Germany, as we take off to watch TSV 1860 take on Fortuna Dusseldorf. Apart from the game, we are aiming to make trips to Dortmund, home of DAB and Dortmunder Union (those are beers, for the sober/female amongst you), as well as Cologne, spiritual home of the Shoutster, or as he prefers to be known in the Fatherland, Der Kolschinator. We have a good crew assembled, there are ten of us, and we are hoping to hook up with Dance Matt and the Major. The other given, is of course our annual FA Cup Final Bender. We may actually consider moving this out of Bradford town centre, which is quite frankly dying on it's arse, as Helmets mate is no longer involved with our meatball stop, Giuseppe's. This was the only reason we continued to trek into barren wastelands of the city centre, and as the council continues to push ahead with it's ludicrous "Park at the Heart" scheme, I am on the verge of a boycott of the district. The Tesco list awaits. But I transgress. My choice would be Leeds city centre, or perhaps Wakefield. Both have an abundance of boozers, and would provide better choice than our beleaguered city.
So those are the ones that will happen regardless. These ones are more likely than not going to happen, given dates and/or finances. This summer is World Cup year, so a lot will have to be worked around England games. Of course, fingers crossed, if we should win the damn thing, it would trigger probably the greatest national bender the country has ever witnessed. Enough dreaming though. and back to reality. Captain Queso has bought himself a boat, which means but one thing. Pirate Bender. Our plan is to sail the treacherous waters of Loch Lomond for a weekend, dressed as Buccaneers and Dandys. No dates yet, and as the boat only sleeps four, we will probably have to set sail near a tavern to rest our heads. Damn and blast. It has been a while since we managed two foreign jaunts in the same year, but this year we are going to give it a whirl. The first weekend in September is the date of the annual Brussels beer festival. My plan is to catch the train down early Friday, and come back Monday morning. It is held in the world renowned Grand Place, and features hundreds of lagers, beers, ales and anything else that can be considered a beer. It would be nice to see some old timers make a commitment, I am looking in your direction King Dave, Lobon, Dangerous and the like. I have priced up the train fair at around £95 return, which is a veritable bargain, if you ask me. At the moment there are some very reasonably priced rooms, coming in around the £60 mark. Grand total? Just £155 to you! Of course spending money is another matter......
On the football front, the Away Days for the Bantams all fall on awkward days. The ones that I had my eye on, Lincoln and Bournemouth, are prime examples. First up Lincoln. I would love to spend the day watching the football and taking in a few pubs in this historic Cathedral city, but the scheduled date for the game is the 23rd of January. which is just before pay, on the longest, tightest month of the year. Lottery win not withstanding, I can't justify this trip financially. The problem with the Bournemouth jaunt is it's close proximity to our aforementioned shindig around Germany. So what are the alternatives? Well the first one is probably the least glamorous destination in world football. Accrington Stanley. It is on the 20th of February and is a short train ride away. I know that those who are interested will wonder why we don't drive over, but you can't beat going on the old bone rattler, and it means we can all drink our selves merry en route. The away day that I would like to make before seasons end is Chesterfield. I have always wanted to see the crooked spire, and I know a fellow Lowen fan who lives down that way. It is the penultimate chance to take in another ground of the season, as Wembley, via the playoffs seems miles away at the moment.
Of course there are always unexpected one's that crop up out of the blue, in fact they are some of the best to be had. I know of at least on member who turns 40 this year, Brother Helmet is in charge of organising some form of shindig to celebrate. As I mentioned earlier in this posting, there will be plenty of ales quaffed during the World Cup in South Africa. A favourable time difference, means barring one game, all the others are a very reasonable 7:30pm kick off. So that's the plan in '10, let's hope it's a good one.
So those are the ones that will happen regardless. These ones are more likely than not going to happen, given dates and/or finances. This summer is World Cup year, so a lot will have to be worked around England games. Of course, fingers crossed, if we should win the damn thing, it would trigger probably the greatest national bender the country has ever witnessed. Enough dreaming though. and back to reality. Captain Queso has bought himself a boat, which means but one thing. Pirate Bender. Our plan is to sail the treacherous waters of Loch Lomond for a weekend, dressed as Buccaneers and Dandys. No dates yet, and as the boat only sleeps four, we will probably have to set sail near a tavern to rest our heads. Damn and blast. It has been a while since we managed two foreign jaunts in the same year, but this year we are going to give it a whirl. The first weekend in September is the date of the annual Brussels beer festival. My plan is to catch the train down early Friday, and come back Monday morning. It is held in the world renowned Grand Place, and features hundreds of lagers, beers, ales and anything else that can be considered a beer. It would be nice to see some old timers make a commitment, I am looking in your direction King Dave, Lobon, Dangerous and the like. I have priced up the train fair at around £95 return, which is a veritable bargain, if you ask me. At the moment there are some very reasonably priced rooms, coming in around the £60 mark. Grand total? Just £155 to you! Of course spending money is another matter......
On the football front, the Away Days for the Bantams all fall on awkward days. The ones that I had my eye on, Lincoln and Bournemouth, are prime examples. First up Lincoln. I would love to spend the day watching the football and taking in a few pubs in this historic Cathedral city, but the scheduled date for the game is the 23rd of January. which is just before pay, on the longest, tightest month of the year. Lottery win not withstanding, I can't justify this trip financially. The problem with the Bournemouth jaunt is it's close proximity to our aforementioned shindig around Germany. So what are the alternatives? Well the first one is probably the least glamorous destination in world football. Accrington Stanley. It is on the 20th of February and is a short train ride away. I know that those who are interested will wonder why we don't drive over, but you can't beat going on the old bone rattler, and it means we can all drink our selves merry en route. The away day that I would like to make before seasons end is Chesterfield. I have always wanted to see the crooked spire, and I know a fellow Lowen fan who lives down that way. It is the penultimate chance to take in another ground of the season, as Wembley, via the playoffs seems miles away at the moment.
Of course there are always unexpected one's that crop up out of the blue, in fact they are some of the best to be had. I know of at least on member who turns 40 this year, Brother Helmet is in charge of organising some form of shindig to celebrate. As I mentioned earlier in this posting, there will be plenty of ales quaffed during the World Cup in South Africa. A favourable time difference, means barring one game, all the others are a very reasonable 7:30pm kick off. So that's the plan in '10, let's hope it's a good one.
Heineken v Guinness...Replay
So let's try this a again. The other quarter finals have been settled, and the only slot left is from the very first match up. I couldn't figure out a fair way to split them up, so once again we have in the green corner, Heineken, and in the black corner, Guinness. Lucky for me, that both these brews just so happen to have some of the best beer commercials that have ever been made. So much so, that I will keep running replays till we have an outright winner.
Heineken Fridge Advert
I was going to upload one of the old "Refreshes the parts..." campaigns that the Dutch brewing giant was famous for back in the day, but I couldn't resist this follow up to the most excellent walk in fridge commercial that I posted a few weeks ago.
Rutger Hauer-Legend
There are many more celebrated commercials for the dark stuff than this one. The dacing man, and the surfing effort that got voted the best advert of all time, but this is my favourite. Mr Hauer has to be one of the coolest geezers alive.
Rolling Rock v Budweiser...Result
We have our third semi-finalist, and this week there is no controversy, as the winner was Rolling Rock, by quite a margin. So farewell to the self proclaimed king of beers, as the pale lager from LaTrobe breaks up the German monopoly in the last four. Dr Shotgun has requested a late entry to the fray, Desperado, but anything that taints beer with premixed lime, is an abomination in my eyes. far more likely to be included as a late entry would be Starproman, which somehow escaped my mind when I did the Eastern European brews. Oh well....
Semi Finalists;
DAB
Kolsch
Rolling Rock
Semi Finalists;
DAB
Kolsch
Rolling Rock
Monday, January 04, 2010
Under the Weather
I have come down with a life threatening dose of man flu. This is my excuse for not posting to much lately, as I have been putting together my last will and testament. Please find below my review of the decade in Benders, I hope you enjoy, as it took some doing, particularly as I am not well. Looking forward, as long as I make a miraculous recovery, I will post a review of what 2010 holds in store, and have made a New years pledge to be more active on the blog, as I appreciate I have not been too prolific as of late. I aim to resurrect old threads such as Away Days, and Gender or Bender, and actually have some ideas for other postings. I know it's a bit late, but hears to a good New Year, and let's hope we continue to have as much fun as we have had over the last ten years.
The Noughties- A Bender Odyssey
Farewell to the Noughties, an interesting decades of highs and lows. The highest point, of course, came with the founding of the Bender Squad. We had of course, been on many shindigs prior to it's inception, but with the interned becoming all pervading, I took it upon myself to found our organization, and create an electronic method of holding our "Band of Brothers" together and informed, particularly as the nefarious M.R.S. try to disband our group and consign to the Hell of weekends spent traipsing around places such as the White Rose Shopping Centre, or even worse, IKEA. So let us go back in time, as long as my memory holds up, to a year in which we were all ten years younger, and seemed to have more money and time on our hands.
2000- The beginning of a new Millennium, and what a big to do about nowt. The Y2K bug had everybody worried that planes would be falling out of the sky, but it proved to be much the same as every New Years eve before. More difficult to comprehend was how well the local football teams were doing. Leeds would finish third and enter the Champions League, and even more remarkably, Bradford City held onto their place in the top flight, and also entered European football, albeit in the less glamorous InterToto. It was the first time Bradford had sent a representative onto the Continent since the Bradford Pals set sail to take on the Boche during World War 1. Most of the Benders this year revolved around our away days following the Mighty Bantams. Myself, El Grande Queso, MC and Jamon traipsed up and down the land following the boys in Claret and Amber. Most memorable trips of the year were the ones to Q.P.R. in London, when promotion became all the more likely, and Bender that followed the Wolves game when we made back to the big time for the first time in 77 years. A messy day and night indeed. But his was probably the final year that we stuck mainly to Yorkshire for our Benders. Trips to Leeds and Sheffield were the order of the day, and all nighters were still frequent, so standout jaunts are difficult to remember, as they all tend to melt into one big massive party.
2001- The year of my betrothal, which meant a stag night. And it was a beauty. The destination, Portsmouth to watch the relegated Bantams in the Championship, may not have been a very glamorous destination, but it was, and remains a legendary trip. We travelled down on the train, drinking both routes dry, and carried on in the same vein for the next two days. We stayed in some campus digs, that were primarily used as accommodation for the blue rinse brigade. Amazingly we got on fine with the assorted OAP's, but we had the police out on the first night, as a Kung Fu crazed hairy arsed Russian took umbridge Sandro and Big Al. But the discovery of the weekend was none other than Tony Helmet. He put in a Sterling performance on his debut, and laid the foundations for the buffoonery that he was to become legendary for. The bicycle wheel and carpet roll he humped across town, for no apparent reason was his signature moment. He was on his own and stopped by the police, who were investigating an incident involving a hairy Russian. We were stopped by the same police on our way back to our digs, who enquired if we knew of anybody carrying a carpet roll and a wheel. "Never heard of him" was our reply. Add to this the bar he tried to get served by a mannequin, and he would have received points galore. Even the trip home was eventful, as our train was held up after a guy who had murdered his wife, decided to jump in front of it, as it reached speeds of over 100 m.p.h. Sandro claimed that he new it was a fella, as an ear had flown past his window. "How do you know it was an ear?" asked Helmet. "Cause it had an earring in it." was his answer.
My wedding was in Las Vegas, by an Elvis impersonator, with the reception at Hooters (who says I am not a classy guy), and of course I had to take a couple of guys to go on a Bender with, namely the Boy Dazzler and Jamon. I would have loved to have taken more, but it was not a cheap trip. On several occasions we got up to some high jinks, but the best, or worst, depending on your outlook, was the night we got ambushed by a Cambodian. Having already sturdied ourselves with a few beers, we took off to watch the Pirate ship fight at the Treasure Island casino. We had half an hour to kill before the next scrap, so we hit the bar, and because we only had a short ammount of time decided to get some shots instead of beer. "You like shots, try these" said our Cambodian Nemesis. They were called Alaskan Oil Slicks, if memory serves, and we had about four of them. This meant we missed to Pirate show, and were in Bender mode. After trawling through countless lounges and casino bars, we ended up in a bar called Red Square in the Mandalay Hotel. It had a headless Lenin statue outside, served hundreds of different vodkas, and best of all had a bar that was made of ice to keep your drink cold on. Mayhem ensued, as we made lot's of new American friends, lost them, made loads of noise, and left at around two o'clock in the morning, much to the relief of the patrons inside, especially as Jamon had entered full on noodle mode. The hangovers we had the next day, took the edge off our trip to LA, but Jamon and Dazzler said it was worth it, because I got shit on by an albatross.
Bender of the Year- Portsmouth
Honourable Mention- Las Vegas
2002- This year was a fallow year for trips, but there was a reason. It was World Cup year. With it being held in the Far East, this meant that much time was needed to be booked off work, due to the stupid o'clock kick off times. Every single England game fell into a worst a mini bender, at best a full blown one. And the biggest full blown one, was the quarter final against Brazil. There had been no standout team during the tournament, and after we had come through the so called group of death, it was felt that if we came through this match, the cup was there for the taking. It was a six in the morning game, so me, Dazzler and the Geester went out the night before, and stayed up late working out wether it was affordable to go out for the final. David Seamans ineptitude put paid to that trip, but boy did we get shitfaced.
Sticking with the football, 2002 was the start of our annual FA Cup Bender. Myself, Helmet, Sandro, Geester, Dazzler and Jamon, watched Liverpool steal the trophy from Arsenal, when a still good Michael Owen scored twice in the last ten minutes. Helmet then took us to Giuseppe's for some grub, as Jamon terrorised the staff. Where we got to later remains a mystery, locked somewhere in my deep sub conscious, but I think it involved pills, beers and cards back at San's into the early hours. Nothing else really sticks out in my mind from this year, I can't remember any stag nights, or such, and Bradfords slide down the divisions meant not much was going on on that front. I vaguely remember that Me, Lobon, John the Dan, Dazzler and Skid went to Carlisle to see Donny Rovers play, which was a decent enough Bender, till I git trolleyed on Whiskey. Some things never change. But we were about to start taking advantage of the growing number a low cost airways that were starting to fly from the North of England. The Bender Squad was ready to go International
Bender of the Year- Fa Cup Final Day, Bradford
Honourable Mentions- Carlisle, World Cup in the Villager
2003- The start of a golden era. Our first trip for no other reason than it seemed like a good idea took place early in 2003, as we took off for the City of Light, Paris. It was a good sized posse that went, along with me went Funky, Helmet, King of the Pixies, Dangerous Pete, MoleCat, Crespo, Geester, Lobon, Jamon, John the Don and The Boy Dazzler. This was back in the day, when the exchange rate was very favourable, and we had an absolute blast. It was during this sojourn that "Buffoon" became the name of choice for unadulterated stupidity, it being French for idiot. It was used most often in relation to the Boy Dazzler and Funky, although Lobon's attempts to find the WC in a strip club were also worthy of mention. Funky's was for forgetting the name of our hotel, only remembering that it was part of a chain, so a savvy Parisian taxi driver took him on a gran tour of the lot, costing him a packet. Dazzler, in an extremely tipsy state, reckoned some poor fella looked like Al Pacino, an proceeded to badger him at length, before I saved the poor chap. He looked more like Righard Gere any how. We were now split up from the rest, and stumbled into a tourist trap, that charged us €40 for two large whiskies. My plan was to fight the bar keep, but as Dazzler was now rolling around on the floor with the pub's dog, and my opponent was a large sober chap, I decided on the only sensible course of action. I made Daz pay. All this was on the first night, and the second day was a continuation. We got off to slow start on our mission to visit Jim Morrisons grave, as Crespo tried crying off with a hangover. Helmet and Jamon were having none of it, and dragged out by his ankles. The Doors front mans final resting place is a bit of a let down, not unlike his music, although when I mooned his grave Helmet stuck a pilgrims photo up my keister. Not nice. The rest of the day was a boozy affair. We found a place that did vodka by the metre. The night was rounded off down the pigalle in a bunch of seedy bars, one of which we didn't leave till gone seven in the morning, a proper cool dive called Le Pub Frochet.
Next up was John the Dons 65th to Belfast, of all places. On paper this looked to be the tamest trip to date, but in fact it turned out to be probably the booziest. We had an excellent weekend weather wise, and from the off we were in beer heaven. Helmet was in full rude boy mode, this was the weekend that saw his infamous rant at a poor waitress. Our excursion to Port Rush was a bit of a fiasco, and hinted that the Don was a bit of a Buffoon, something that would be borne out over the next couple of years. But the funniest incident of the whole trip was Helmets plunge into the murky depths of the river Langan. We had blown nigh on a thousand pounds in this riverside bar, and Tony decided his finances needed an infusion of cash, so i went round the joint collecting money for his stunt, although at one point some rowdy locals tried to throw me in. There was a another side trip to Bushmills Whiskey Distillery, were it was my turn to be an eejit, as a smart arse comment backfired on me, and our tour guide took the piss for the rest of the trip. Stand out bar of this trip was the Crown Liquor Saloon, an outstanding example of a Victorian gin palace, and a spot were Lobon was was made a fool of by the barman.
I did make a trip to Amsterdam, along with the Good Doctor Shotgun, for a stag night, but the guys we went with were more of a smokers group, and being stoned doesn't lend it self to buffoonery, although i did have a hell of a good time.
Bender of the Year- Paris, just
Honourable Mention- Belfast
2004- The first annual football trip, and we picked arguably the team in the world as our inaugural bender, Barcelona. The squad consisted of yours truly, Two Scoops, El Grande Queso, Geester, Lobon, Funky,The Boy Dazzler and John the Don. Once again we were quick out of the traps, and we were soon separated after a bust up in a restaurant, every body accusing the other of short changing on the bill. This left me, Scoops, Queso and the Geester winging our way across the Catalan capital to a diso called Otto Zurz. On the way over, Queso forgot that cars in Spain have the driver on the opposite side, and gave our cabbie a wet willie, in the mistaken belief it was me. Luckily he took it in good spirits. The club was a top spot, and we finally bailed at around six, although my excesses meant I was unfit to go out the next night, was just as well, as I have never seen the Don and Dazzler as drunk as they were that night. The Boy even got his wallet lifted. The game, between Barca and real Sociadad was not the most spectacular affair, but the winner was top drawer, as Ronaldinho won the game in the last minute with a spectacular free kick. That night it was just me, scoops and the Jannetta boys that went out, we had fun but fell out on the way back, and ended up scrapping with each other outside the hotel. The concierge came out and sent us to bed, but we fell out again in the lift and began wrestling with each other once more. The concierge was waiting for us on our floor, gave us a ticking off in Spanish, and escorted us to our pits.
The next sojourn abroad is one that I can't really comment on, as I did not go, and with good reason. I get to do pretty much as I please, but even I could not fly Thailand past the trouble and strife. It was Geevers, Lobon and the Boy who took off to the land of smiles, and as you can imagine, not much can be reported. Lobon did meet his wife though. As you can see by the pictures posted on Smug Mug, it was all a bit messy.
Later in the year, in what was to be my second visit of three in as many years, it was Funkys stag party, and he chose Amsterdam. Alas, for him, it came a week after he had been laid up in hospital with some stomach problems. This didn't stop the rest of us going Bananas, and in more ways than one, as we discovered the world famous Banana Bar in the Red light dsitrict. It has to be visited to be believed. A must for any stag night, or male only Bender, I would give it a miss if I was on a romantic weekend. It was also the first time buffoon points were awarded, as "Le Grande Buffoon" title was finally launched, although the points for this trip would roll over into 2005, as it was late in the year. Jamon's performance was indeed legendary. So much so that I am unable to repeat any of it. If you pass me in the street I will tell you all you need to know.
Bender of the Year- Amsterdam
Honourable Mention- Barcelona
2005- Our annual football trip this year was to see Real Madrid, at the time home of the Galacticos. John the Don pulled some strings, and got us fantastic seats, and although the opposition was only Malaga, all the stars were playing. Zidane, Beckham, Figo, Raul and Roberto Carlos all turned out, and even Michael Owen got a run out at the end. The game was a let down, Roberto Carlos scored the only goal, but it was a top drawer weekend. Queso likes to call it Big Saturday, as this was the keystone day of the weekend. We started off with some culture, although jamons interpretation of Picasso's Guernica was not kind. He compared it to a scene at Morrison's at Girlington on a Friday lunchtime. We found a bar after this, and after a few drinks, myself, Helmet and Jamon went to catch some more art, leaving a phoneless King Dave (gypseys had fleeced it), Queso and Funky to get greased. We returned to join them, and embrk on a truly memorable Bender. Helmet had to cart off Jamon, he was getting well pissed by now, as the rest of us took off for the Plaza Mayor. Wew did hook up again, in the best night club that I have ever been to, The Palacio Gaviria. It is housed in a 19th century palace. It was a top night, enhanced by the little fellas King Dave had procured. Take your credit card though, it ain't cheap. Jamon cemented his Maillot Jaune by "falling" into a skip, although I am not alone in thinking he pissed off some locals and got deposited in it.
A small outing this one, just me and the Boy Dazzler, with a brief cameo from Big Al, made a trip to the USA, taking in on our travels New York City, Tiffin, Ohio and Cincinnati. We were on best behaviour, of sorts, in New York, as I had the Elster with me, but we managed to drink plenty. We got to some great local bars, the best, and most frequented (it was across the road from our digs) was McHales. Dazzler reckons he saw the guy out of Queer as Folk in there, and you know, I thinj=k he was right. Cincinnatti, on the other hand, was a proper Bender. We stayed on the Kentucky side of the river, which had an excellant Irish bar, a branch of the Hofbrauhaus and a floating Hooters. We also found a good beer garden across from the Ball park, before we went to see the Reds play. A top day.
Last but not least, of the Beders undertaken this year, was our trip with Akis crew to watch the ashes in Manchester, at Old Trafford. If any one ever tells you that test cricket is boring, they cannot havbe been to a live game. It is an excuse to just sit around, bait Australians and quaff litres of ale. The day was overcast, and the Boy Dazzler was arsed and catching some zzzz's, when the sun came out, burnt him, and went back in just as he woke up. The look on j=his face was priceless as he tried to figure out what had happened. Molecat, Bakes, Aki and the Paulcano were most excellent companians.
Bender of the Year- Madrid
Honourable Mentions- New York, Cincinnatti and Manchester
Le Grande Buffoon- Jamon
2006-At last I can you turn you back to the blog, as just about all undertakings since 2005 have been posted, including year reviews. So for the last four years I will post just the treips and Maillott Jaune winners.
Bender of the Year- Cologne-for the England world cup game. An epic day that contained just about everything-beer, footie, food and fallouts. It had it all.
Honourable mentions-Hamburg and Munster during the World Cup, Amsterdam for Shoutys stag night, Eindhoven, on our way to see England fail yet again, Town v City an epic dyaout that traversed West Yorkshire, and saw the demise of Jamon as aforce ion the Squad.
Le Grande Buffoon- John the Don
2007
Bender of the Year- Munich Oktoberfest
Hourable Mentions- St Pats in the Villager, Pirate Trip-Skipton, Scunthorpe, Lincoln, Beppe & Pepe's-Salzburg
Le Grande Buffoon- The Funky Messiah
2008
Bender of the Year-London for the Brentford game
Honourable Mentions- Dublin-Molecats final fling, Cologne/Monchengladbach-TSV 1860 trip, Chicago-trip to watch the Cubs
Le Grande Buffoon- The Right Honourable Shouty
2009
Bender of the Year- Munich-annual trip to watch TSV 1860
Honourable Mention-FA Cup final day, Edinburgh-Ad's final fling, Darlington/Leeds/Bradford-epic bender
Le Grande Buffoon- Tony Helmet
So that is it for the noughties. Time to look forward to the next decade, which all being well should feature a twentieth, a thirtieth, around nine fortieths, about the same number of fiftieth's and a sevetieth to celebrate. This does not include those foolish enough to marry, or those sadly who get divorced, so the next decade, unless climate change is as imminent as poloticians keep telling us, looks to be as busy, if not quite as full on, as the last.
2000- The beginning of a new Millennium, and what a big to do about nowt. The Y2K bug had everybody worried that planes would be falling out of the sky, but it proved to be much the same as every New Years eve before. More difficult to comprehend was how well the local football teams were doing. Leeds would finish third and enter the Champions League, and even more remarkably, Bradford City held onto their place in the top flight, and also entered European football, albeit in the less glamorous InterToto. It was the first time Bradford had sent a representative onto the Continent since the Bradford Pals set sail to take on the Boche during World War 1. Most of the Benders this year revolved around our away days following the Mighty Bantams. Myself, El Grande Queso, MC and Jamon traipsed up and down the land following the boys in Claret and Amber. Most memorable trips of the year were the ones to Q.P.R. in London, when promotion became all the more likely, and Bender that followed the Wolves game when we made back to the big time for the first time in 77 years. A messy day and night indeed. But his was probably the final year that we stuck mainly to Yorkshire for our Benders. Trips to Leeds and Sheffield were the order of the day, and all nighters were still frequent, so standout jaunts are difficult to remember, as they all tend to melt into one big massive party.
2001- The year of my betrothal, which meant a stag night. And it was a beauty. The destination, Portsmouth to watch the relegated Bantams in the Championship, may not have been a very glamorous destination, but it was, and remains a legendary trip. We travelled down on the train, drinking both routes dry, and carried on in the same vein for the next two days. We stayed in some campus digs, that were primarily used as accommodation for the blue rinse brigade. Amazingly we got on fine with the assorted OAP's, but we had the police out on the first night, as a Kung Fu crazed hairy arsed Russian took umbridge Sandro and Big Al. But the discovery of the weekend was none other than Tony Helmet. He put in a Sterling performance on his debut, and laid the foundations for the buffoonery that he was to become legendary for. The bicycle wheel and carpet roll he humped across town, for no apparent reason was his signature moment. He was on his own and stopped by the police, who were investigating an incident involving a hairy Russian. We were stopped by the same police on our way back to our digs, who enquired if we knew of anybody carrying a carpet roll and a wheel. "Never heard of him" was our reply. Add to this the bar he tried to get served by a mannequin, and he would have received points galore. Even the trip home was eventful, as our train was held up after a guy who had murdered his wife, decided to jump in front of it, as it reached speeds of over 100 m.p.h. Sandro claimed that he new it was a fella, as an ear had flown past his window. "How do you know it was an ear?" asked Helmet. "Cause it had an earring in it." was his answer.
My wedding was in Las Vegas, by an Elvis impersonator, with the reception at Hooters (who says I am not a classy guy), and of course I had to take a couple of guys to go on a Bender with, namely the Boy Dazzler and Jamon. I would have loved to have taken more, but it was not a cheap trip. On several occasions we got up to some high jinks, but the best, or worst, depending on your outlook, was the night we got ambushed by a Cambodian. Having already sturdied ourselves with a few beers, we took off to watch the Pirate ship fight at the Treasure Island casino. We had half an hour to kill before the next scrap, so we hit the bar, and because we only had a short ammount of time decided to get some shots instead of beer. "You like shots, try these" said our Cambodian Nemesis. They were called Alaskan Oil Slicks, if memory serves, and we had about four of them. This meant we missed to Pirate show, and were in Bender mode. After trawling through countless lounges and casino bars, we ended up in a bar called Red Square in the Mandalay Hotel. It had a headless Lenin statue outside, served hundreds of different vodkas, and best of all had a bar that was made of ice to keep your drink cold on. Mayhem ensued, as we made lot's of new American friends, lost them, made loads of noise, and left at around two o'clock in the morning, much to the relief of the patrons inside, especially as Jamon had entered full on noodle mode. The hangovers we had the next day, took the edge off our trip to LA, but Jamon and Dazzler said it was worth it, because I got shit on by an albatross.
Bender of the Year- Portsmouth
Honourable Mention- Las Vegas
2002- This year was a fallow year for trips, but there was a reason. It was World Cup year. With it being held in the Far East, this meant that much time was needed to be booked off work, due to the stupid o'clock kick off times. Every single England game fell into a worst a mini bender, at best a full blown one. And the biggest full blown one, was the quarter final against Brazil. There had been no standout team during the tournament, and after we had come through the so called group of death, it was felt that if we came through this match, the cup was there for the taking. It was a six in the morning game, so me, Dazzler and the Geester went out the night before, and stayed up late working out wether it was affordable to go out for the final. David Seamans ineptitude put paid to that trip, but boy did we get shitfaced.
Sticking with the football, 2002 was the start of our annual FA Cup Bender. Myself, Helmet, Sandro, Geester, Dazzler and Jamon, watched Liverpool steal the trophy from Arsenal, when a still good Michael Owen scored twice in the last ten minutes. Helmet then took us to Giuseppe's for some grub, as Jamon terrorised the staff. Where we got to later remains a mystery, locked somewhere in my deep sub conscious, but I think it involved pills, beers and cards back at San's into the early hours. Nothing else really sticks out in my mind from this year, I can't remember any stag nights, or such, and Bradfords slide down the divisions meant not much was going on on that front. I vaguely remember that Me, Lobon, John the Dan, Dazzler and Skid went to Carlisle to see Donny Rovers play, which was a decent enough Bender, till I git trolleyed on Whiskey. Some things never change. But we were about to start taking advantage of the growing number a low cost airways that were starting to fly from the North of England. The Bender Squad was ready to go International
Bender of the Year- Fa Cup Final Day, Bradford
Honourable Mentions- Carlisle, World Cup in the Villager
2003- The start of a golden era. Our first trip for no other reason than it seemed like a good idea took place early in 2003, as we took off for the City of Light, Paris. It was a good sized posse that went, along with me went Funky, Helmet, King of the Pixies, Dangerous Pete, MoleCat, Crespo, Geester, Lobon, Jamon, John the Don and The Boy Dazzler. This was back in the day, when the exchange rate was very favourable, and we had an absolute blast. It was during this sojourn that "Buffoon" became the name of choice for unadulterated stupidity, it being French for idiot. It was used most often in relation to the Boy Dazzler and Funky, although Lobon's attempts to find the WC in a strip club were also worthy of mention. Funky's was for forgetting the name of our hotel, only remembering that it was part of a chain, so a savvy Parisian taxi driver took him on a gran tour of the lot, costing him a packet. Dazzler, in an extremely tipsy state, reckoned some poor fella looked like Al Pacino, an proceeded to badger him at length, before I saved the poor chap. He looked more like Righard Gere any how. We were now split up from the rest, and stumbled into a tourist trap, that charged us €40 for two large whiskies. My plan was to fight the bar keep, but as Dazzler was now rolling around on the floor with the pub's dog, and my opponent was a large sober chap, I decided on the only sensible course of action. I made Daz pay. All this was on the first night, and the second day was a continuation. We got off to slow start on our mission to visit Jim Morrisons grave, as Crespo tried crying off with a hangover. Helmet and Jamon were having none of it, and dragged out by his ankles. The Doors front mans final resting place is a bit of a let down, not unlike his music, although when I mooned his grave Helmet stuck a pilgrims photo up my keister. Not nice. The rest of the day was a boozy affair. We found a place that did vodka by the metre. The night was rounded off down the pigalle in a bunch of seedy bars, one of which we didn't leave till gone seven in the morning, a proper cool dive called Le Pub Frochet.
Next up was John the Dons 65th to Belfast, of all places. On paper this looked to be the tamest trip to date, but in fact it turned out to be probably the booziest. We had an excellent weekend weather wise, and from the off we were in beer heaven. Helmet was in full rude boy mode, this was the weekend that saw his infamous rant at a poor waitress. Our excursion to Port Rush was a bit of a fiasco, and hinted that the Don was a bit of a Buffoon, something that would be borne out over the next couple of years. But the funniest incident of the whole trip was Helmets plunge into the murky depths of the river Langan. We had blown nigh on a thousand pounds in this riverside bar, and Tony decided his finances needed an infusion of cash, so i went round the joint collecting money for his stunt, although at one point some rowdy locals tried to throw me in. There was a another side trip to Bushmills Whiskey Distillery, were it was my turn to be an eejit, as a smart arse comment backfired on me, and our tour guide took the piss for the rest of the trip. Stand out bar of this trip was the Crown Liquor Saloon, an outstanding example of a Victorian gin palace, and a spot were Lobon was was made a fool of by the barman.
I did make a trip to Amsterdam, along with the Good Doctor Shotgun, for a stag night, but the guys we went with were more of a smokers group, and being stoned doesn't lend it self to buffoonery, although i did have a hell of a good time.
Bender of the Year- Paris, just
Honourable Mention- Belfast
2004- The first annual football trip, and we picked arguably the team in the world as our inaugural bender, Barcelona. The squad consisted of yours truly, Two Scoops, El Grande Queso, Geester, Lobon, Funky,The Boy Dazzler and John the Don. Once again we were quick out of the traps, and we were soon separated after a bust up in a restaurant, every body accusing the other of short changing on the bill. This left me, Scoops, Queso and the Geester winging our way across the Catalan capital to a diso called Otto Zurz. On the way over, Queso forgot that cars in Spain have the driver on the opposite side, and gave our cabbie a wet willie, in the mistaken belief it was me. Luckily he took it in good spirits. The club was a top spot, and we finally bailed at around six, although my excesses meant I was unfit to go out the next night, was just as well, as I have never seen the Don and Dazzler as drunk as they were that night. The Boy even got his wallet lifted. The game, between Barca and real Sociadad was not the most spectacular affair, but the winner was top drawer, as Ronaldinho won the game in the last minute with a spectacular free kick. That night it was just me, scoops and the Jannetta boys that went out, we had fun but fell out on the way back, and ended up scrapping with each other outside the hotel. The concierge came out and sent us to bed, but we fell out again in the lift and began wrestling with each other once more. The concierge was waiting for us on our floor, gave us a ticking off in Spanish, and escorted us to our pits.
The next sojourn abroad is one that I can't really comment on, as I did not go, and with good reason. I get to do pretty much as I please, but even I could not fly Thailand past the trouble and strife. It was Geevers, Lobon and the Boy who took off to the land of smiles, and as you can imagine, not much can be reported. Lobon did meet his wife though. As you can see by the pictures posted on Smug Mug, it was all a bit messy.
Later in the year, in what was to be my second visit of three in as many years, it was Funkys stag party, and he chose Amsterdam. Alas, for him, it came a week after he had been laid up in hospital with some stomach problems. This didn't stop the rest of us going Bananas, and in more ways than one, as we discovered the world famous Banana Bar in the Red light dsitrict. It has to be visited to be believed. A must for any stag night, or male only Bender, I would give it a miss if I was on a romantic weekend. It was also the first time buffoon points were awarded, as "Le Grande Buffoon" title was finally launched, although the points for this trip would roll over into 2005, as it was late in the year. Jamon's performance was indeed legendary. So much so that I am unable to repeat any of it. If you pass me in the street I will tell you all you need to know.
Bender of the Year- Amsterdam
Honourable Mention- Barcelona
2005- Our annual football trip this year was to see Real Madrid, at the time home of the Galacticos. John the Don pulled some strings, and got us fantastic seats, and although the opposition was only Malaga, all the stars were playing. Zidane, Beckham, Figo, Raul and Roberto Carlos all turned out, and even Michael Owen got a run out at the end. The game was a let down, Roberto Carlos scored the only goal, but it was a top drawer weekend. Queso likes to call it Big Saturday, as this was the keystone day of the weekend. We started off with some culture, although jamons interpretation of Picasso's Guernica was not kind. He compared it to a scene at Morrison's at Girlington on a Friday lunchtime. We found a bar after this, and after a few drinks, myself, Helmet and Jamon went to catch some more art, leaving a phoneless King Dave (gypseys had fleeced it), Queso and Funky to get greased. We returned to join them, and embrk on a truly memorable Bender. Helmet had to cart off Jamon, he was getting well pissed by now, as the rest of us took off for the Plaza Mayor. Wew did hook up again, in the best night club that I have ever been to, The Palacio Gaviria. It is housed in a 19th century palace. It was a top night, enhanced by the little fellas King Dave had procured. Take your credit card though, it ain't cheap. Jamon cemented his Maillot Jaune by "falling" into a skip, although I am not alone in thinking he pissed off some locals and got deposited in it.
A small outing this one, just me and the Boy Dazzler, with a brief cameo from Big Al, made a trip to the USA, taking in on our travels New York City, Tiffin, Ohio and Cincinnati. We were on best behaviour, of sorts, in New York, as I had the Elster with me, but we managed to drink plenty. We got to some great local bars, the best, and most frequented (it was across the road from our digs) was McHales. Dazzler reckons he saw the guy out of Queer as Folk in there, and you know, I thinj=k he was right. Cincinnatti, on the other hand, was a proper Bender. We stayed on the Kentucky side of the river, which had an excellant Irish bar, a branch of the Hofbrauhaus and a floating Hooters. We also found a good beer garden across from the Ball park, before we went to see the Reds play. A top day.
Last but not least, of the Beders undertaken this year, was our trip with Akis crew to watch the ashes in Manchester, at Old Trafford. If any one ever tells you that test cricket is boring, they cannot havbe been to a live game. It is an excuse to just sit around, bait Australians and quaff litres of ale. The day was overcast, and the Boy Dazzler was arsed and catching some zzzz's, when the sun came out, burnt him, and went back in just as he woke up. The look on j=his face was priceless as he tried to figure out what had happened. Molecat, Bakes, Aki and the Paulcano were most excellent companians.
Bender of the Year- Madrid
Honourable Mentions- New York, Cincinnatti and Manchester
Le Grande Buffoon- Jamon
2006-At last I can you turn you back to the blog, as just about all undertakings since 2005 have been posted, including year reviews. So for the last four years I will post just the treips and Maillott Jaune winners.
Bender of the Year- Cologne-for the England world cup game. An epic day that contained just about everything-beer, footie, food and fallouts. It had it all.
Honourable mentions-Hamburg and Munster during the World Cup, Amsterdam for Shoutys stag night, Eindhoven, on our way to see England fail yet again, Town v City an epic dyaout that traversed West Yorkshire, and saw the demise of Jamon as aforce ion the Squad.
Le Grande Buffoon- John the Don
2007
Bender of the Year- Munich Oktoberfest
Hourable Mentions- St Pats in the Villager, Pirate Trip-Skipton, Scunthorpe, Lincoln, Beppe & Pepe's-Salzburg
Le Grande Buffoon- The Funky Messiah
2008
Bender of the Year-London for the Brentford game
Honourable Mentions- Dublin-Molecats final fling, Cologne/Monchengladbach-TSV 1860 trip, Chicago-trip to watch the Cubs
Le Grande Buffoon- The Right Honourable Shouty
2009
Bender of the Year- Munich-annual trip to watch TSV 1860
Honourable Mention-FA Cup final day, Edinburgh-Ad's final fling, Darlington/Leeds/Bradford-epic bender
Le Grande Buffoon- Tony Helmet
So that is it for the noughties. Time to look forward to the next decade, which all being well should feature a twentieth, a thirtieth, around nine fortieths, about the same number of fiftieth's and a sevetieth to celebrate. This does not include those foolish enough to marry, or those sadly who get divorced, so the next decade, unless climate change is as imminent as poloticians keep telling us, looks to be as busy, if not quite as full on, as the last.
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