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Thursday, January 07, 2010

Top Ten.......Buffoons of the Noughties

I am trying out this new thread, Top Tens, inspired by the recent list programmes on the tube, and articles in the newspapers that celebrated the best of the decade. Of course I am not going to keep on dredging up stuff from last ten years, but I thought it might be fun to draw up a couple of top tens from 2000-2009, before settling into whatever might wander into my mind on any given day. I am going to try and make it a weekly thread, idleness permitting, The first one that I wanted to do was the "Le Plus Grand Buffoon" to find out just who was the biggest clown of the Noughties. So I am going to. This is a very subjective list, and although I have taken some counsel, is mainly based on my own opinion. So in reverse order;

10. Mad Ad
Signature Move- "The Dinosaur"
Imagine a drunken T Rex and you get the picture. Face frozen in drunken roar pose, with arms pulled up to chest in a limp wristed manner.
Maillot Jaunes- 0
Closest call came in 2006, where his drunkenness at the Oktoberfest was legendary. (see photo below)
Highlights 2000-2009
Getting sacked from his job for pretending to shoot apprentice with toy gun.
Asking if company had a canteen and rubbing his belly in a job interview.
Going for a piss in Munich airport, whilst everybody went to the hotel, meaning he spent a chunk of his spends on a cab.
Prospects 2010-2019- Fulham
Can compete with the big boys, but can't sustain it over a full season. Always makes the important occasions, but isn't much of a casual comrade these days, a combination of finances, living in the sticks and a penchant for bossy women, means he doesn't get in the appearances to make a lengthy run at the title. But when he does come out there is is always the possibly that he can attain a level that makes him a perennial dark horse.

9. Crespo

Signature Move- "The Bambi"
Only occurs when he is proper hammered, and looses the use of his voice, as he stands with a crooked grin, and his big doe eyes.
Maillot Jaunes-0
Closest call would have been 2004, but seeing as I had dreamt up this annual award until a year later, I would have to say 2008, but to be honest he has never really come close to winning it yet.
Highlights 2000-2009
Trying to hoover up passing pedestrians from his third floor Paris hotel, after munching his way through several hash cookies.
Spending €50 on boxer shorts and socks, after forgetting to pack them on our trip to Munich. Only too find out at the hotel that he had packed them after all.
Asking a grieving French widow, loudly in English, how to get to Jim Morrisons grave.
Prospects 2010-2019- Aston Villa
Destined for the big time? Or fated to always fail at the last, just shy of the big guns? I think he is the darkest of dark horses. Up until now, he has always had the advantage of hiding in the shadows of heavy weights like Funky, Shouty and even Lobon, but as there presence has ebbed, he has come more and more to the fore. An immanent bambino might see him go the same way, but I think he will be a serious contender one of these years.

8. El Grande Queso

Signature Move- "The Steak"
A mellower version of his former Cornish Pasty trait. Involves waving a substance suitable to his standing, ie Champagne Bottle, Gambling Chip, Cigar etc. in a threatening manner, whilst bellowing "Don't you know who I am?" Best example came with a cut of sirloin at the local Gala casino.
Maillot Jaune- 0
A serious contender in 2006. A week of German lager, Long Island Ice tea's and sleep deprivation during a week of the World Cup saw a couple of fine displays in both Munster and Cologne. Only a stellar showing by the John the Don, and to a lesser degree Funky, saw him miss out on a title.
Highlights 2000-2009
Chasing the bouncers around a casino, with a glass of champers in one hand, waving a lump of steak in the other. I would have loved to have seen the security film.
Munster Madness, let's blame it on the Moonlight.
Demonstrating his contempt for money in Cologne by jumping up and down on his £200 sun glasses, while inebriated. Spent the next day squinting in the sun.
Prospects 2010-2019- Manchester City
Has the brass to make most every occasion, and when he is on a Bender loves to live the high life. Has excellent endurance, so never misses a night out, and having an opinion on most everything, means a high potential for the verbal faux pas. Another one who might prosper due to the demise of others.

7. The Boy Dazzler

Signature Move- "The Headlock"
Anybody who has had the pleasure of the Boy will be familiar with this show of affection. When drunk, he get's an unstoppable urge to grasp his companion, or any body he knows within the vicinity, get them in a headlock, and rubs there head furiously. A classic.
Maillott Jaune- 0
What could have been. Always a fixture in the top echelon during the late '90's and right up till approximately 2007, the Boy was an annual contender. But then he disappeared. He had done a hermit before, but this came out of the blue. Best years were 2005 and 2007.
Highlights 2000-2009
When confronted with a swear jar, he shouted "Arse, shit, fuck" emptied the contents of his pockets and passed out.
Being chased out of an Amsterdam booth by an irate Turkish minder.
Hiding his money from a Las Vegas hooker so well, that he couldn't find it the next morning.
Refusing to budge, after getting lost in Portsmouth with Geester and Jamon. He called them idiots and marched off in the wrong direction, disappearing for a good hour or so. I know this, because we watched him from the window of "the lost hotel"
Harrassing a beleaguered Parisian, who he thought was Al Pacino.
Prospects 2010-2019-Leeds United
Sleeping giant. From the dizzy heights to obscurity. Tough work schedule and health issues beg the question of whether the best is behind him. Tentative steps to rehabilitate him back into the squad are at early stages. It looks as if his best hopes of a yellow jersey lay in the past.

6. Lobon

Signature Move- "The Mick"
As in throwing a "mick" the only squad member whose Christian name is used as a verb, to describe a fit of unprovoked rage. Best displays are usually found when he is playing football. A classic example entails him trembling with indignation, interspersing each word uttered with an expletive. Rant is often ill thought out and descends into pure gibberish.
Maillott Jaunes-0
Another one who benefits from his halcyon days being before the award was bestowed. A classic sufferer off foot in mouth, he is also very capable of genuine buffoonery of the slapstick variety.
Highlights 2000-2009
The erection incident in Thailand that earned him his nom de plume.
Not being able to find the toilets in a Paris titty bar just as the floor show started.
His parade of Top Gear challenge vehicles.
Trying to talk Thai to a naked Thai bar girl in the Banana Bar. She wasn't impressed in the slightest.
Prospects 2010-2019 Newcastle United
Once a member of the elite, now firmly trapped in the second tier. His heart isn't in the UK any longer, and before the decade is out, I fully expect him to be resident in the land of smiles. As the worlds unluckiest man, he deserves a slice of good fortune, but this means his time to push himself back into the reckoning is probably going to dictate a title will be out of his reach.

5. Helmet

Signature Move- "The Foghorn"
A difficult one to come up with a single word. This was the best one I could think of to describe the naturally amplified Helmet. When someone pulls a boner of some description, or our hero is amused by something, he emits the loudest, most sardonic laugh known to man.
Maillott Jaunes- 1
The first of the title winners on this list, and current champion. perennial contender.
Highlights 2000-2009
Saturday the first of August 2009, Edinburgh. One of the most sustained shows of Buffoonery your correspondent has ever witnessed. From flying Rickshaws, to death threats, this was the display that sealed the 2009 crown.
All attempts at DIY. Testing the drainage on his bath tub, after he had removed the u-bend is a prime example.
His dive into the murky waters of the river Langan, Belfast, off the decking of a local pub.
The "ski slope" he made in his house, where he rode suitcases down his steps.
The freezing New Years Eve, when he decided to roller blade home, in boots that were too small, on sheet ice. We had to call an ambulance after he broke his leg, after falling on the second step of the front door.
Prospects 2010-2019 Arsenal
Always a contender, and wins regularly, although his best performances seem to be reserved for shindigs at home. Apart from the odd escapade in Europe, all his best work seems to reserved for the United kingdom. His love of partying means he will remain a contender, probably until he takes his last breath. The last of the Heavy weights to turn out regularly means it would probably be more of a surprise if he didn't win at least one more yellow jersey.

4. John the Don

Signature Move- "The Money Down"
No matter how hard I tried to think of a word to sum him up, I couldn't. The phrase above sums him up to a tea, as the bombshell is a great believer that anything can be solved by a bung.
Maillot Jaunes-1
2006 winner, hands down. The week in Germany was a real eye opener. Up until then, there had been a suspicion that his blond locks hid an empty head, and the week in the Fatherland proved it.
Highlights 2000-2009
Shouting Viva Espagna!........too a bunch of Mexicans.
Telling a everyone that a passing trike courier, was one of them paraplegics.
Filling up the water tank on our hired camper van with €60 worth of diesel. When it began to spill onto the forecourt, he assumed that he gone past the overspill on the tank. When confronted with the bill, he only coughed up half of it, claiming we all watched him do it.
Sending us into a silver service restaurant in Cologne, on the day of the England match, so he could negotiate us a vantage point for the big screen. we were in one of the poshest dining establishments in the town, dressed in England shirts and shorts. He failed, and we got lumped with five of the most expensive beers in the land.
Dragging us half way up the Irish coast to a restaurant in Portrush. On arrival in that town, he promptly forgot the name of it, so we ended up at KFC.
Entering a push contest with Helmet. After huffing and puffing his way to around fifty push ups, he stood up, out a breath and sweating, only for Tony to tel him he won.
Prospects 2010-2019 Chelsea
The Don has reached that time in his life where money isn't a worry, and he can pretty much do as he pleases. This means we can't afford to go around with him no more. Still we see him often enough, and hear enough of his exploits, that he will surely contend before the decade is up. His total bewilderment at how things work in the 21st century will always produce some scores, and we also have his 70th to look forward too, although he says we are not well heeled enough to go on his goulet trip. He might be right, but Money Down, once you've paid you can do as you please. I predict at least one more Jersey is within his grasp.

3. Shouty

Signature Move- "The Blink"
When he starts blinking, it means trouble. He's either gone into super Shouty mode, or you have pissed him off.
Maillot Jaunes-1
2008 was his breakthrough year, although he contended strongly the year before. Last year he came close to being the first double winner, after finishing in a dead heat with Helmet, but he lost the subsequent tie breaker vote. This from a man who didn't arrive on the scene, or become a full squad member till 2006.
2000-2009 Highlights
The canal boat jump in Amsterdam, when he launched himself from the side of the canal into a passing ship. Dressed in a mini skirt and a gimp mask. Wearing red tights.
Getting in a lift in a Munich hotel, that didn't move, but when it opened the doors, he thought he was on a different floor that looked identical.
Taking pictures with his camera phone in a strip bar. He was lucky to escape with his testicles intact.
Getting stranded in the middle of the dodge 'ums at the Oktoberfest. He wasn't quick enough to get itno one, and had to be rescued by the attendant.
Asking a stranger, on the same night as the incident above, to look after his chocolate heart. The stranger scarpered with it.
Of his wild claims, the best blow job in the world one sticks out in the memory.
Prospects 2010-2019 Manchester United
I will walk butt naked down Wilsden Main Street, on the coldest day of the year, if he doesn't garner at least one more Jersey. He just can't help himself. The only man to appeal against issued points, knowing the penalty for failure was to see them doubled. His actions when on the lash are reckless to say the least, as he cannot stop at just a few, or even drunk. No, it is wankered or nothing. The only obstacles would appear to be financial, as he is just as big an idiot with money, as he is with beer. He is also a bit flaky at the moment, which means we don't see a whole lot of him. Still, when we do, he certainly doesn't disappoint.

2. The Funky Messiah

Signature Move- "The Stare"
If you are a stranger, and want to know if Funky likes you, it is easy to tell. He stares at you. Not a blank one either. But a concentrated stare that wants you to know he is looking. Spooky if you ask me, and the hundreds of folk that been caught in it's glare.
Maillott Jaune-1
Winner 2007, at a canter. Previous contender in 2005, 2006 and looked a shoo in for 2008, but tailed off sharply, after a good start.
Highlights 2000-2009
Refusing to pay a taxi driver, who throttled him with his tie, and then relieved him of his phone.
The grand taxi tour of Paris in 2004, when he couldn't remember the name of his hotel. The trip cost him €50.
Getting his work van nicked when he left it running on Bradfords roughest estate so he could listen to the radio while he worked.
Nearly getting beaten up on the same estate, when he threatened to kill a dog which bit him. Turned out it belonged to the local hard case, who then threatened to kill him.
Crashing into his neighbours car, after being taunted about his driving skills.
Prospects 2010-2019- Liverpool
Hard one this one. Is he about to rediscover the glory years, or is he sliding back into mid table mediocrity? Between his long distance relationship and band commitments, we don't see much of him, but it never takes long for tales of his japery to make it back to us. Add beer and watch him go, as was still evidenced on our recent jaunt to Edinburgh, where but for Helmet, he would have been the Buffoon of the weekend by a mile. He turns 40 this decade, and I do know he hankers after a return to the Oktoberfest. A good each way bet to add to his Jersey haul.

1. Jamon

Signature Move- "The Hands"
Similar to Mad Ads dinosaur, but without the growling face. These come up in more of a jazz hands style when he is shit faced.
Maillot Jaune-1
The first winner, although he has not been close to winning it since. He was a stalwart for the initial five years of the decade, but after 2005 was incarcerated in high security accommodation in Riddlesden after one last epic dis[play of idiocy. Although he only won once, it was the most epically sustained year on record. In fact it was such an impressive effort, that spanned Europe, it created "Le Grand Buffoon" award, as it was felt such a performance deserved some form of recognition.
Highlights 2000-2009
His skip incident in Madrid, that led to mild concussion. He claims to have fallen into one drunk, but there is the possibility of him being beaten up. He probably deserved it.
On the same trip, threatening a taxi driver, who pulled over to reveal himself as a brick shithouse with legs, leading to much backing down.
The whole weekend in Amsterdam, from the passport incident, to nearly missing his flight. You had to see it to believe it.
The time he shit the bed at Sandros, and tried to pass it off as puke. As he scarpered out the door, he could hear poor old Crespo utter the immotal line "Here, this sick smells like shit!"
Prospects 2010-2019 Blackburn Rovers
Hard to belive that not long ago he was a champion. It will be a frosty day in Hell before we see the Jamon of old. Which, to be honest, for his sake is probably not a bad thing. Never a man for half measures, it was always full on for brother Jamon. I doubt we will ever see his performances of 2005 eclipsed, as I mentioned earlier they had to be witnessed to be believed. He was inbetween partners, and when he was of the hook, he was off. In fact if he was still single, I probably would be, as he always had the knack of dragging me out with him. Absolutly no chance of earning another jersey.

So that's MY top ten. I told you it was subjective, and not based on any hard facts. It is just my musings on what went on over the last ten years. But I know what most of the folk reading this thread are thinking. Where the fuck is yours truly. Yes I had my moments. The Munich incident. Throwing up on a landing airplane. But itmis my list, and if it had been a top thriteen I meant have included myself at 13, with Sabdro at 11 and G-Spot at 12. But it is top tens, and I stand mine.

1 comment:

Crespo said...

Quality post ;o)