Top Ten............Bradford Pubs

For this weeks top tens I am picking what I consider to be Bradford's ten best pubs. The criteria for this selection is simple. It must be within the borders of Bradford metropolitan Council, so it includes Keighley, Bingley, Shipley, etc. It also has to still be trading, so no place for such legendary haunts as the Old Crown. I may well do a piece on the vanishing boozers of the district, but not tonight. It also has to be first and fore most a pub. This discounts night clubs and the like, although it won't make that much of a difference as the majority of such places around here suck cock. I will be rating them on four categories, although the combined score doesn't count towards it's final ranking, they are purely to be used as a guide. They are as follows;

Atmosphere- Is it a nice place to sup? Is the decor suitable for a drinking marathon? Will you get beaten up? Do your feet stick to the carpet? Is the music to bloody loud? These questions, and more will be answered in this section.

Skirt- If you are a member of the nefarious M.R.S., please refrain from getting your panties in a bunch. This is not a section on how easy it is to pull, but on whether there are some buxom wenches to warm the cockles of a middle aged man, from a distance of course.

Crowd- Is it full of beardy ale purists? Or track suit clad ne'er do wells intent on stabbing you in the eye? Find out in this section.

Benderability- Could you spend a full session in just this boozer?

Well, those are the guidelines, and these are the pubs;

10. Chapel House, Low Moor, Bradford

Atmosphere-
A pub that is as well known for it's grub as it's beer. A nice place to have a few on a night, as through the day it is packed full of folk eating.

3/5

Skirt-
A couples kind of destination, there is always plenty around, but you wouldn't go there just to scope skirt.

2/5

Crowd-
Nice relaxed place, and the fact that it is a place favoured by off duty coppers, means that it is pretty much Chav free.

3/5

Benderability-
Only been semi drunk in here once, but it was a decent evening, and the Starpromen was excellent. After the kitchen shuts, gets a bit livelier.

5/5

9. Malt Shovel, Harden

Atmosphere-
An old style village pub, situated in a semi rural setting. Has a great beer garden, and in fine weather is packed. Relaxed, and for this part of the world, refreshingly unclicky. On the small side, and not particularly cheap, but a fine, safe place to undertake a few pints.

3/5

Skirt-
Not the greatest, unless it is a sunny day, but even then it tends towards the horsey brigade. On a good night you might get a sprinkling of couples, but it is, to my mind at least a bit of a blokes pub.

0/5

Crowd-
A lot of jumper wearers, and a favourite haunt of the well-ish to do, due to it's location. Imagine a pub full of golfers, and you get the gist. they all like a pint though, and to be fair, the clientele is not as up it's self as it's reputation suggests.

3/5

Benderability-
I have been on a couple of decent blowouts in here, most memorably John the Don's birthday in 2008. A good spot for a Friday tea time.

5/5

8. The Star, Bingley

Atmosphere-
It's been a while since I was in, but the place was always spotless. It has a proper tap room and lounge set up, and a pretty decent crowd, all the half pint hero's tend to frequent the pubs along Bingley Main Street.

3/5

Skirt-
Buggered if I know, on my last visit it wasn't bouncing with birds, but that may have been because I was in for a tea time drink. Saying that, it has always tended towards being a geezers pub, football team, darts and the like, so it has to be a big fat nought.

0/5

Crowd-
A bit like the Malt Shovel above, but not quite as well heeled. Instead of golf more of a whippet crowd, and I don't mean that in a bad way. In fact it is probably the better for it, as the folk in there can probably do, or recommend some one who can, stuff that you actually need. If you know what I mean.

3/5

Benderability-
The main reason I have put this pub in at number nine is for nostalgic reasons, as it's the first boozer I ever got served in. Me and Scott Naismith liberated some younger kids lunch money, and blew off Geography on fine afternoon, and decided to chance our luck. I boldly strode up to the bar and asked the barkeep for two halves of best. A few wary glances and we were in! The only problem was just as we sat down, two teachers who must have had a free afternoon walked through the door. Mr Holgate and Mad Ma Franklin if memory serves, So it was a quick couple of gulps and offski. Got absolutely hammered in here on several occasions, the most memorable was when the hippy chick up the road had an open house party. Before we went up, me Scott and Big Rodney Morton got wankered on Pernod. Oh to be 16 again....

5/5

7. Arthur's Bar/Haighys, Lumb Lane, Bradford

Atmosphere-
At the moment known as Haighys, but for folk of my age it will always be Arthur's Bar. A Bradford City pub (it's exterior is painted claret and amber), it is packed to the rafters on match days, and still draws a decent crowd on other nights. The place hasn't changed in decades, which is great, as I couldn't imagine it looking any different. A good little beer garden at the back, that is heated during the winter, to keep those dirty smokers warm.

4/5

Skirt-
Not what it was, after the local residents chased all the prostitutes away. I haven't been in on a non footie night for a while, but to be honest I can't see it being a hot destination for members of the fairer sex. A point for the old days.

1/5

Crowd-
On match day an eclectic mix of hooligans, flat cappers, the odd away fan and a sprinkling of families. On a regular night a bit strange. I should imagine that there would be few Eastern Europeans in there at the moment, as quite a few have settled in the district. There used to a few young Asians as well, which could prove an explosive mix. Have seen, and sad to say been involved in, a few punch ups. I think it isn't as wild now, like I said the hookers have been moved on, and it does get in a few Real Ale folk.

4/5

Benderability-
I used to live just across the road from here when I was in my mid twenties, so I have been arsed in this place on numerous occasions. it was here the I went through my Mad Dog 20/20 phase of quaffing fortified wine, so I cannot remember much of it. Seriously, that stuff will fuck you up. Several times I woke up not having the foggiest of what had happened the night before. It was here we embarked on our massive Bender when the Bantams made into the Premier league.

5/5

6. The Villager, Peel Street, Wilsden

Atmosphere-
A small pub, that can be a bit clicky at times, and damn right rowdy when the younger posse work up a head of steam. It is, I have to report, the closest thing I have to a local, and was my second home for years. Not the greatest setting for a drinking marathon, it is small, and only on room, but it must have something about it, as I have been frequenting the place, on and off, for the last couple of decades. I recommend Saturday tea time for the football results, and Sundays for the afternoon kick off.

2/5

Skirt-
One has to be careful here, as a lot of the skirt who shows up in here is the better half of my friends. But, as The King of the Pixies pointed out on Saturday, there are plenty of young fillies who we don't know coming out these days. The problem though isn't being old enough tom be their dad, it's more that I probably know their dad. Enough said.

4/5

Crowd-
What can I say? I pretty much know everybody who drinks in here, so I have to say, an excellent crew. Handsome, clever and cool. That should earn me a pint.

5/5

Benderability-
Where to start? I have spent more time drunk here than any where else in the world. In fact I was pickled just this Saturday gone. The biggest problem is, if you could call it that. is that I pretty much always have somebody to get pissed with. The time me and Jamon decided to have a contest to decide who loved beer is a particular fond memory. As was Georgia's head wetting, a monster effort, famous for the Queso being so drunk he pissed himself. The only reason the pub only comes in at seven is that it is nobodies favourite, it's likable, but as a pub itself, it ain't all that.

5/5

5.The Fighting Cock, Preston Street, Bradford

Atmosphere-
A Bradford institution, it has been around forever, and still packs them in, even though it is situated in predominantly Muslim area. Loved by CAMRA, and beer drinkers of every hue. Done up in a traditional pub style, it was the last bar in town to use sawdust on the floor. Not to every body's liking, it is worthy of it's ranking on reputation alone.

5/5

Skirt-
Although it is a bit of a man thing, Real Ale that is, there always seems to be a few birds knocking around, although not of the fur coat, no knickers variety.

2/5

Crowd-
From off duty police man, to scrap collecting pikeys, this place has the lot. A little bit top heavy with the bearded ale type, it does serve all kinds of the stuff, it also gets a good sprinkling of Bantams fans on match day. An affable place, and an excellent place to for drinking.

4/5

Benderability-
I have a shocking confession to make here. I have never been drunk in this establishment. Not even tipsy. That doesn't mean it won't happen, in fact I am going to make it a mission to get at least half cut in here one time. It has loads of potential.

5/5

4. City Vaults, Bradford City Centre

Atmosphere-
One of the last decent pubs in Bradford city centre (along with the Shoulder of Mutton, which misses out because although it has the best beer garden in town, it is a Sam Smiths pub, and I don't like Sam Smiths), although Helmet says it's a gay bar, because we were once in there and a camp couple was snuggling. An excellent interior is conducive to drinking. In fact it is so pleasant, that you easily forget you are in fact in one of the shabbiest town centres in the United Kingdom.

5/5

Skirt-
Helmet reckons they are all lesbians, because it's a gay bar, but there is always a fair cross section. of all shapes and sizes. The Eastern Europeans working the bar a definite bonus.

4/5

Crowd-
All right, I have to give him this one, that on occasion there are a few shirt lifters about, which is fine by me, but that doesn't make it the Blue Oyster Bar. In fact there always seems to be more of a Goth crowd early doors, that slowly makes way for a couples/older set. A good pub, no doubt.

4/5

Benderability-
An excellent setting for a Bender, at anytime of day. Weekends are good, tea times are good, any nights good. Has been visited on a few FA Cup Benders, but the two nights that stick in the memory are the infamous Casino night, when we went gambling after necking loads of Jagermeisters, and Crespos birthday. If you find yourself stuck in town, it's really the only option. You can find it just round the back of Waterstones. Quality.

5/5

3. Fanny's Ale House, Saltaire

Atmosphere-
A fine place to drink beer, although quite a few of Shoutys Saltaire Posse prefer the Vic across the road. Something to do with the landlord apparently... Anyway, this converted Chip shop ticks all the right boxes for me. It has character, the clientele are more interested in drinking than scrapping, and it is not part of some faceless Pubco that is ripping all and sundry off. Full marks then.

5/5

Skirt-
Pretty good. Not a pick up joint, but it ain't full of hairy moose's wearing skin tight clothes that are two sizes to small either.

3/5

Crowd-
Similar to the Fighting Cock, but without the Pikeys. A refreshing lack of track suited chavs is also a welcome bonus. The mix is good, and it has a laid back vibe that is very conducive to getting pleasantly pissed.

5/5

Benderability-
Good, even though it can be a bit tricky getting served, as it is always packed. The Warsteiner is to be watched mind. It goes down a treat, but packs a bit of an headache the next day, which is surprising for a German brew. Have been wankered in here on a few occasions, most notably on Shoutys mad mission, when he later fell asleep in a park.

5/5

2. The New Beehive, White Abbey Road, Bradford

Atmosphere-
This, to my mind at least, is what every English pub should aspire to be. It is split into four different rooms. The saloon is an Edwardian gem, wooden bar, open fire place and just the right kind of dingy. The Pool room is spacious, no need for a sawn of cue. It has a big bar area, not quite a lounge, featuring to murals dedicated to departed icons of music and film. In the back there is a nice snug, also with open fire. The courtyard outback is perfect on a warm sunny day. The toilets stink, fair enough, but I suppose you can't have everything.

5/5

Skirt-
The odd passing "Lady of the Night" aside, there is a few, often of the alternative/student type, but with a night club downstairs, there are occasions when the ratio is good.

2/5

Crowd-
A rag tag of all and sundry. From flute playing BoHo's to Scallys on the make, this place encompasses just about every walk of life. It has always been a favourite haunt of the alternative lot, and it has a good reputation as a music venue. It also has more than it fair share of characters, including a cat loving Rasta who plays bongos. Popular on match days, especially away fans in the know.

4/5

Benderability-
Fantastic. From it's massive selection of spirits, via it's real ales, through to the Leffe on draught, it has all your needs to sustain a bender. Got shit faced in here after a freezing cold night game, with Big Al, The Boy and Mr Winder. Problem has always been it's location, there is fuck all near it, and it is not in the most savoury part of town.

5/5

1. The Upper George, Wibsey

Atmosphere-
A proper boozer. Juke box, sports on the telly, a good crowd and always reasonably busy. I preferred it before it got its lick of paint, I like my pubs a bit weather beaten, but it has lost too much of it's charm. The best place to be on a Friday after work.

5/5

Skirts-
It has got the lot. Cheeky young bar maids, blousy middle aged alkco's, young eye candy and brassy strumpet. There is even the odd bitch fight. Excellent.

5/5

Crowd-
All and sundry. Young bucks getting ready for a night on the tiles, bar propping locals, Bulls/Bantams fans, pissed up Andy Cappers watching the horses and Binge drinking piss heads. Perfect. Considering this mix, I have only seen a handful of scraps over the years, and one of those was Paddy and his best mate. It seems one and all is on the lash.

5/5

Benderability-
My favourite place to get assholed. The amount of times we've been caned here are too many too mention, although we have calmed it down ever so slightly since our mid 90's hey day. Watch out for the low bar stools mind, they have sent me flying on numerous occasions. And watch out for the "shit 'tache" even more. It is as gross as it sounds...

5/5


Honourable Mentions-
The Boy and Barrel- Bradford City Centre
Jacobs Well- Bradford City Centre
Bolt Makers Arms- Keighley
Victoria- Sandy Lane