Scraping the Bottom of the Barrell

The BBC. Isn't it great to know that your licence fee is being used to help the needy? Ricky and Bianca are returning to the terminally rancid Eastenders, if you haven't noticed all the "adverts" for it across their channels. Two actors whose range consists of shouting "Rickaaaayy" at the top of her lungs, and another who can make a turnip seem interesting. It's good to see my hard earned being used to prop up the careers of two such mighty thespians, who since leaving this turgid soap, have set the entertainment world alight. Hopefully this is the bottom of the barrell being well and truly scrapped, and someone at the beeb will do us all a great favour and put this shite out of its misery.

The Week in Nonsense

Sometimes whilst perusing the news media to see what has been spouted off and legislated for by the stupid and incompetent, you stumble across something that truly belies belief. Something that if it wasn't so idiotic it would be funny. But this time I have come across a new ruling, that didn't require a Parliamentary vote, but was pushed through by one of the most vile and stupid people ever to grace the front benches, one Harriet Harman. It seems from now on, when out in a pub or restaurant, referring to a member of staff as "Love" or "Sweetheart", etc. can be construed as sexual discrimination. If not dealt with by Landlords and other small business owners, this could lead to them being brought before a tribunal on sexual discrimination charges. I kid you not. Does this mean that clientele bothered by a member of the opposite sex can also claim the same rights? Is this the end of chatting birds up? Lawyers are already recommending that alongside "No Smoking" signs, there be placed "harassment is not tolerated" warnings as well. Don't believe me? Check out the story here. One of the best quotes is from Stuart Chamberlain, an employment law specialist at Consult GEE, said: "Employers may feel uncomfortable about confronting clients but they need to be aware that failing to take action could result in a claim for compensation, including for injury to feelings." Injury to feelings? Does this mean the Elster can sue me on a daily basis? Or the next time a work colleague jokingly refers to me a "poofter", I can storm into my managers office demanding retribution? I suppose I could, but being a rational person, I wouldn't dream of it. Harassment is not something to be taken lightly, but referring to someone as "pet" or "gorgeous" is not harassment. It denigrates the term, and sets people against the folk who have truly been on the receiving end of such actions. And what about the pub trade? If you were to ask most rational people what the greatest British institution was, they wouldn't say the Houses of Parliament, Oxbridge or the MCC. No it is the Great British Pub, something this set of money grubbing, busy body half wits seem Hellbent on destroying. Next time you are out and about, count up how many boozers are up for lease, been turned into private residences or simply bulldozed into oblivion. It was in these very establishments that the Labour party was given life, before it was Shanghaied, by self serving career politico's who have in most cases never done an honest days graft in their arrogant little lifes. They stick duty on alcohol, to stem binge drinking they claim, yet all the supermarkets, where the binge drinker stocks up on his insipid alcopops, drop prices to entice the Neanderthal through their automatic doors. That's right, all major Supermarkets have actually dropped their prices on booze since the budget. When I first started drinking, the pub was where folk took you home if you had to much to drink, or sorted you out if you got out of line. They ran football teams and pub leagues to keep folk off the street, but they are now being driven to the wall by a Tax hungry Government, and corporate breweries who nail the landlords to the wall on beer prices. At this rate the only place you will find a traditional British pub in twenty years will be at Disneyland.

On a different subject, before my blood pressure explodes, there is Britain's new gateway for the 21st century, Terminal 5 at Heathrow. Only in the UK, could something so high profile, be fucked up so bad. 28,000 bags not put on flights, 250 flights cancelled to cope with the backlog and nobody taking the blame. Roll on the Olympics.(ironically, the Olympic torch was supposed to arrive at T5's VIP suite, but they didn't want o lose it, so it is going via another suite now)

Waste of money of the week goes to Adam Applegarth, former CEO of Northern Rock. His reward for running this bank into the ground, ending with its nationalisation and the loss of 2,00 jobs, is an estimated £760,000. Nice work if you can get it.

To wrap up this weeks report on the Week in Nonsense is the news that Gordon Brown wants to show voters that Labour is on their side, and that theirs is the only party with "Big ideas for the future of the UK" Well I've got news for you Gordon, we just want to get on with our lives as we see fit, without interference, and it would be nice if we could spend our own money, without watching you and your clown minions flush it down the drain. So take your big ideas and shove them up your arse mate, and whilst your at it feel free to Fuck Off.

Stop The Nonsense

Tuesday Bender

Not only is Tuesday the 8th April a home game for the Bantams, but it is also El Grande Queso's birthday. My advise is, bring your wallet, book the next day off, and tell your missus it could be a late one. Or an early one, depending on your own perspective. Its Morecambe at home, and then out for a few beers, and then who knows what. Sounds good to me.

Ring Sting

Sorry about the lack of postings, but I have been feeling pretty lazy of late. This weekend was a one nighter, the Elster was giving me earache about spending time with the kids, and I felt she had a valid point. So this Friday was my only night out on the tiles, down the George, and after a couple of poor turnouts, there was a healthy gathering this week, Dr Shotgun made his first appearance of 2008, as did the Jet, along with regulars Big JohnnyM and G Spot. Even Crespo and Meatball showed up for a few beers. Much shite was talked, and as we prepared to leave, Shotgun offered to get in a curry. For those of you not familiar with the culinary delights of Wibsey, this means only one thing. The Spicey Cottage. Now I have only been to this establishment a handful of times, and let me say the food they serve has what can most politely be described as a "loosening" effect on the body. But the good Doctor was adamant, so me, Big John and the Jet descended on the Spicey Cottage. We were seated, and I began to point out to every member of staff who walked by that Spicy was spelled with out an E, which they nodded at, and then probably walked into the kitchen and spit in my food. To cut a long story short, we all ordered loads of grub, scarfed the lot, and then had a good old chuckle as Alfie was told they no longer accepted cards, due to the amount of fraudulent activity in this particular restaurant. So we all bailed him out till he got to a cash point, and then left JohnnyM, to walk to the Jets house to call a cab. I got home, the Elster had left a sleeping bag next to the couch, so I flopped down for some kip. At about five o'clock in the a.m. the Spicey magic kicked in, as I awoke in a fart filled room, consumed by an urgent need to poop. Now you might say that there is no way that a curry could travel through a fella that quick, but rest assured it was my recently eaten meal. You could still see the bite marks in the Seekh Kebabs, that mere hours earlier been presented to me on a plate. If I hadn't been half asleep as the Spicey curse struck, I would have taken a photo as evidence.

P.S.
Took the bambinos to the IMAX in Bradford to watch the Monstors of the Deep 3-D film. It is as cool as fuck. I highly recommend it, the kids loved it too.

Tuesday Night Madness

The Mighty Bantams have a home game coming up on the 8th of April, against Barnet, and after the buffoonery of the previous mid week games, we are going to try and be sensible. So we have booked off Wednesday so we can get fucked up and not worry about trains to Leeds, or barfing in parks. Makes sense to me anyhow, Casino ahoy!

P.S.
It is also El Greande Queso's birthday, so if he can get a permission slip from his missus, we even have a valid excuse.

Lefty Winning Streak Ends

Lucky Van Nistleroy, as he had become to be known, has reverted back to his original moniker of Lefty, as the spunk soaked JMF overcame the misfiring Elite by nine goals. Clogs and Young Gaz had left their shooting boots at home, but neither was as profligate as yours truly. Five times I was presented with a one on one chance against the trembliest of keepers, Crespo, and five times I managed to hit him and not the back of the net. To top it all, I then fired a penalty against him, as he tried to jump out of the way, the limp wristed poofta. I should really at this moment make some kind of reference to how well the MoFo played, but I won't. Fuck 'em all, the shirt lifting arse bandits.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Crespo, Funky, Dead Eye and King Dave

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Lefty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Shouty

2008 Season

• JMF wins -5



• Euro Elite - 7



• Draws - 0

The Week in Nonsense

Later than usual, due to the Bank Holiday, this weeks Nonsense news begins with the news that Basil Brush has been cleared of racism by Northamptonshire police. A member of the public, as in ONE person had complained to the feds about a sketch in which a gypsy tried to sell Basil some heather and pegs. It was reported to the forces Hate Crimes department, who after further investigation, have decided to take no further action. I wonder how many tax dollars were flushed down the toilet on this idiotic action. I still find it remarkable that one person can make a complaint this trivial, and it gets taken so seriously. I wish the West Yorkshire force had been as keen to investigate the toe rags who tried to break into my garage last spring. If you think I am pulling your leg, check out the BBC report here. The anti-smoking lobby are still at it as well. They think all cigarettes should be sold under the counter, and not be left on display, and all vending machines should be removed from pubs. They say leaving them out on open display may encourage kids to take up smoking. What utter bullshit. What next? Maybe we should hang a few smokers from lamp posts on busy roads, or feed them to lions at local sports stadia. Why can't they leave the poor fuckers alone? If the fags don't finish 'em off, it'll be the pneumonia from having to cower outside pubs in the freezing rain and wind. Well that's about it for this week, not an outstanding week for nonsense, but then again most of our glorious politicians were probably off gallivanting around the globe, big fat expenses checks in pocket.

Stop The Nonsense!!

A Message for Madonna

Please put it away. You are fast approaching 50, and the sight of you half dressed is icky, to say the least.

Bantams 1 Spireites 0

Typical City, lose to relegation threatened teams, and then turn over one in one of the playoff positions. It was a pretty drab affair, Thorne took his chance well, but apart from that it was all pretty ho-hum stuff. The keeper helped keep us in the match during the second half, Crespo reckons if Jack Lester had been playing the result might have been different, but City missed a glorious chance at the death, when Brown opted to shoot when Colbeck was wide open to his right. Afterwards we headed to Fanny's Ale House at Saltaire, and got bevied up on Warsteiner. Felt rough this morning, so must have been pretty fresh.

Baz Watch;

Our shiny headed hero only got on the pitch for the last five minutes, but looked fairly lively. Nearly scored with a header, putting it just over, and then played a lovely through ball that was wasted. Was a little whiny, and didn't look his best.

Pie Rating;

A double rating this week, one from myself the other from guest reviewer Crespo, who braved one of Valley Parades infamous "burgers." First the pie. It might have been because I was hungry, but it was well tasty. The temperature was perfect, it was stuffed full of filling, and the Hammonds Chop Sauce (is Valley Parade the only place you can get this lovely condiment?) topped it off brilliantly. Washed down with a beer, it gets a season high rating of 7/10.

The burger, alas, didn't fair so well with young Crespo. Dog shit was verdict, as he wondered out loud wether it actually consisted off any meat. a season low 1.5/10.

Happy Easter

I have been tied up over the Easter hols, and to be honest, Jack shit has been happening. It has been butt fuck cold, and everyone seems to be skint, although myself, Shouty and Crespo have rustled up enough cash to go for a few beers after City tomorrow. Whilst on the subject of the Mighty Bantams, me and Crespo, as well as Clogs and Young Gaz were playing five a side today, and when we got there all the City players who didn't feature in Saturdays game were all there training in the slot before us. Crespo tried to stroke Stuart McCalls Willy, but the Chilean proved to elusive for our hungover hero. It did not stop him asking McCall if there was a spot for him tomorrow. Not on today's performance, matey. Unlike myself, who will be wearing the number 9 shirt up front against Chesterfield tomorrow. Well I look a little bit like Big Baz anyway. A Mini Baz, if you will. Sorry to get side tracked, but the Wedding Crashers has just come on the telly. Am I the only person who thinks Will Ferrell is a one trick pony who, lets be honest, was never really that funny?

Le Grande Buffoon 2008-First Quarter Rankings

A slow start to 2008, although it does include the last months of 2007, means Le Maillot Jaune is still very much up for grabs. Last years runaway winner, the Funky Messiah, got off to a ripping start, his Boxing Day/New Years performance around Wilsden was of an extremely high quality, something we have come to expect from a perennial contender. He manged to get turfed out of Ropey's house party, for coming on to his missus, and then following her up to the kazi, and refused to get out. He then did a full frontal slide down the hill outside the village community hall, before knocking up his ex girlfriend, who took pity on him, and made sure he got home. We all thought this was the opening shots of what was going to be possibly the greatest buffoon year of all, but since then our early season favourite has gone quiet. The slack was picked up by Shouty, who many see as the most serious challenger to last years winner, in particular his lost weekend, when he was saved from oblivion by Crespo. After staying out all night, he decided to have a couple of liveners before retiring to catch up on some kip. These "liveners" resulted in myself and Crespo receiving numerous phone calls from the future Member of Parliament, who was in a fair old state. He pitched up at Crespos, who took him and sobered him up, then made room for him in his spare room. He reckoned later in the week to have been out till last orders, but Crespo said it was eight o'clock at latest. He was so drunk that they stopped serving him in the Prune. On the Bender Squad Xmas shindig he also tried to get some cash out of an obviously out of order cash point, and sat with a puzzled look on his face for about 10 minutes. I myself accrued plenty of buffoon points that evening, for reason I can not put in print, safe to say the were for the same indiscretion that saw Tony Helmet earn his points in the Villager. Shouty also earned himself some extra Brucie bonus points for a similar incident to both back at Helmets house, that I can vouch for, as I was there. Dazzler and Queso have also racked themselves a few scores from the Casino night, but in all that is about it. Dark horses John the Don and Mad Ad have beenkeeping a low profile, and the rest of the Squad have been acting far too sensibly. So with the first quarter up, the top five is as follows;

1. The Funky Messiah-His strong showing over the Christmas period sees him hold on to his first place, but coming up hard on the rails is;
2. The Right Honourable Shouty-At cats cock hair behind the 2007 champion, and with the pre season favourite seemingly to be growing up, he is now considered by most to be the new favourite, but things can change as he is followed in, albeit at some distance, by an annual dark horse;
3. European Bri-the Casino and Park episodes have seen me rise into the running fore the first time since Munich, but I would like to think this is more to do with the slow start to the year, rather than a slow descent into the realms of the two fellas above me. I am closely followed by;
4. The Boy Dazzler-Gains his high entry for being too drunk to be in a Casino, and losing his wallet last Saturday. Still gets drunker than any man this side of Lefty, and with a few foreign excursions ahead of us, is a good outside bet.
5. Tony Helmet-Included here more on reputation than performance, but the creaking chair that broke under his considerable girth was hilarious, and more than enough to earn him a spot in the top five.

As I have pointed out, the beginning of the year is always a quiet period, and as the weather warms up, so does the potential for idiocy. One person who would feature in the top three is Lefty, for his heroic effort in Otley, but his membership is still pending, although I would be more than happy to include him.

Lowen News

Great news, the Borussia M'gladbach game has been announced as being on the Sunday, 27th of April, at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. This means myself, Shouty and The Boy will get to see Der Lowen play. After the previous run of form though, it is unlikely to be a six point promotion battle, a run of four draws has the Lions slip into eighth place, six points off the promotion places, whilst Monchengladbach are in first place 12 points ahead of TSV. The next issue is getting tickets for the game, but Bourussia's stadium holds just shy off 55,000, so we are more than hopeful.

There Goes Thursday Nights

The new Greys Anatomy series starts on Five tomorrow. I bet it still sucks cock big time.

How Did That Happen??

Somehow the JMF shirt lifters carved out a two goal victory last night. Although we were not at our best, big JohnnyM was carrying an injury and Shouty was nursing a bout of man flu, we still gave a good account of ourselves. Wayward shooting, step forward Mercenary, and even worse, a trio of goals that slipped through the legs of the aforementioned mercenary, Shouty and big John, proved ultimately to be the difference between glory and failure. The opening goal was the pick of the greased pig bunch, as the Mercenary actually took control of the ball, looked up with it firmly held in his hands, and then somehow managed to toss it between his legs into the back of the net. I personally have suspicions an Indian gambling ring may be involved. The MoFo built a six goal advantage on the back of their ill gotten fortune, but it couldn't last, and the final minutes were all Euro as we clawed our way back into contention. But with the game finely balanced, the cock suckers set in motion a dastardly time wasting ploy too preserve a rare victory. I hate those knob jockeys sooooo much.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Crespo, Funky, Dead Eye and Luklear War

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Mercenary, Clogs, Euro Bri and Shouty

2008 Season

• JMF wins -4



• Euro Elite - 7



• Draws - 0

Happy St Patricks Day

After this weekends deprivations, and with Easter bank holiday just round the corner, and even worse, an important meeting at work tomorrow, I will be spending Saint Pats at home. I did throw back a few Guinness's with big Frank yesterday, but the Elster collared me before I could get too toasted. We did have a pretty good session however after the game on Saturday night. Our new favourite city centre boozer, the City Vaults, was the scene of our drinking binge, and it was good to see the O.M.B. (original meatball) and a real blast from the past, Mr Whiteside out again. I thought I could argue the toss about politics, but I may have met my match in Simon, who definitely goes for the loud is best option when arguing. Highlight of the evening was Crespo's tale of abusing the Internet at work. He was called into see his manager about the amount of time he was surfing on the web, and in particular why he had visited a site called "The Bender Squad" on 58 separate occasions. To top it all, as he was telling us how he had to explain that he wasn't gay, the campest barman in Yorkshire was behind him collecting glasses, and came out in sympathy with poor old Crespo. Everything gets a bit hazy after this, I woke up on the sofa the next morning with an empty Subway sandwich bag next to me and a couple of oatmeal and raisin cookies on my chest. The Shoutster was yet a gain the last man out, he took himself off to Funkys with some geezer he bumped into, and I haven't heard from Crespo or Meatball since. The Boy Dazzler and Mr Whiteside were still at it when I last spoke to him at about 11o'clock the next morning. Dazzler did lose his wallet however, but didn't seem to perturbed as he and Simon were heading out to do the hair of the dog. There is talk of a mini bender Good Friday afternoon, I will put together a plan of action later in the week, and for the FA Cup final bender on the 17th of May, we have decided to go to Shoutys turf, Shipley. I will leave the decision on the venue up to the Right Honourable.

The Week in Nonsense

The health fascists take this weeks biscuit on the nonsense front. A Merseyside pressure group(?) wants all films featuring a character smoking, to be re-classified as certificate 18. They claim there is proof that people take up smoking after seeing screen icons light up on screen. They are even saying they are willing to go it alone, and impose a ban on such movies throughout Liverpool. So in a city where a young boy can be killed by gang members that can't be caught, and home to some of the most deprived areas in the country, has decided to put all it's efforts in too what I think is the single most nonsensical idea I have stumbled across so far this year. It illustrates beautifully just how stupid these people think we are. Does anybody really know anyone who started smoking because they saw it in a movie? Did Dot Cotton on Eastenders really make fags so glamorous, that legions of viewers took up tab smoking? Of course not. If you are a non-smoker though, don't be feeling too smug. The health Gestapo are dreaming up ideas of such idiocy that it would make your head spin. A leading plastic surgeon, one Peter Mahaffey, told the British Medical Journal, police should carry breathalysers and fine those three times over the drink-drive limit £100.

"I think as a society we have had enough. We need to send out a strong message.

"The levels of drinking and the harm it is causing is depressing. I see people with terrible injuries that they will never recover from. Now is the time to act." He is quoted as saying.

Well Dr Mahaffey, I've got news for you. What society has really had enough of, is sanctimonious do gooders telling us what is good for us, and condoning fines for behaviour they find unacceptable. Think about all the people out having a good time this weekend, and then think of the tiny minority that will cause trouble and get in fights. Target these people with jail time and hefty fines mate, not hard working taxpayers like me and my brethren, who just happen to enjoy a spot of "binge" drinking now and again.

Just who the fuck does he think he is? Even Alcohol Concern withheld support.

Next up is a security minister who goes by the title Lord West. He reckons it would be "silly" not have any communication with terrorist groups such as al-Qaeda. What kind of communications is he considering having one wonders? "Is the Weather nice in Kabul today?", "Hung any Homosexuals lately?" or maybe they could invite them round for a few illicit beers. Maybe he would like to offer them a borough of London to call their very own.

Stop The Nonsense

Bantams 1 Stags 2

Well what can I say? I pointed out before heading off to the game, that seeing as Mansfield were in the bottom two that we would probably lose. And hey Presto, we did. Apart from Conlon, we were garbage. It was made worse by the group of half wits sat behind me, that blamed big Baz for everything. A set of dickheads as the like I have never seen. And to compound things, guess who needed a whizz just as we scored. That's right the Ikester. So I missed our only goal as Big Baz, apparently, leaped salmon like to nod in his second goal in successive matches. Anyway that's all I have time for at the moment, as I am continuing my binge drinking splurge at the Fleece in Cullingworth with Big Frank, stopping off for a MaccyD's on the way. Life is good.

Pit Stop

Sat here waiting for the boy to pick us up in a cab, so I thought I would check in. My binge drinking session got off to a fine start, me, big JohnnyM and G-Spot getting the weekend off to a very civilised start. I got some mucho spicy Chinese noodles on my way home, and was assaulted by the nastiest bout of indigestion I have ever had at about five o'clock this morning. I chugged a pint of milk, but some chiller sauce must have got stuck on me old clacker, as I sat there with a burning throat. Now that I think about it, there is a super spicy spring roll left in the fridge, so I am off to scarfe it. City are playing one of the worse teams in our league this aft, so we will probably lose, although I hope KingBaz smacks in a hat trick. Come on City!!

Win or lose, we shall booze...............

FA Cup Final Bender...Update

This years FA Cup final is on Saturday the 17th of May. Try and make sure your diary is free, and if you are scheduled to work, that the day is booked off. Location for piss up to follow later. All suggestions taken under consideration.

An Act of Defiance

I am lucky enough to have the whole weekend off for a change, and to celebrate, I aim to indulge a spot of binge drinking. So Fuck You Gordon Brown and your band of namby pamby do gooder pals, and an even bigger Fuck You to the BMA, who I believe I pay for through my national insurance contributions. But the biggest Fuck You, I reserve for a group called Alcohol Concern, a bunch of busy body arseholes, who would love nothing better than to dictate to a hard working stiff like myself, on how to run my life. These are the clowns who called for an across the board 10% rise in the price of booze, to cut "alcohol-related mortality by up to 37%." You may have seen the self satisfied chairman, or whatever he was, gobbing off on the news prior to the budget about how we all are unable to decide for ourselves what is good for us, and that the demon drink should be taxed into oblivion. Where is a Skunk crazed chav when you need him? I don't often condone violence, but God I wanted to kick this prick right in his sanctimonious trousers. If there was ever a fella in need of a night on the lash, he was it. Starting the 7th of April, they are even having an alcohol awareness week. In honour of this week, I wholeheartedly intend to try and drink my self daft every day. If you think I am exaggerating, visit the website here. You couldn't make this shit up. So starting tomorrow night, a few of us are to get together to stick it to "the man", and drink enough beer, that the tax on it will feed and keep a chav family of eight for a week. I am sure if we put our heads together we can come up with a national binge drinking day. Hang on a minute, I think there already is one. I think its called St Patricks Day.

Money Down the Toilet

One of the key components of Wednesdays budget speech, was the aim of eradicating child poverty by the year 2010 in the UK. This sounded a most commendable notion, but I then got to thinking "Why are there so many kids living in so called poverty?" The criteria for being classed as below the poverty line, are kids living in a household that has an income below 60% of the national average. Now I have no doubt there are many families out there holding down jobs, and trying to do the best for their offspring, and I believe every every effort should be made to assist these people. But what about them that don't work? My next door neighbour is a fine example. Doesn't work, drinks White Lightning like its water while his partner takes herself of into town every other day returning with bags full of designer clothing. Yet the four kids they are in care of are barley seen in anything other than their school uniform. It has to be said their uniforms are pretty clean, but that could be down to the fact they are hardly ever at school. Then there is my little lads mate next door. A great kid, who is lucky enough to have an uncle and aunt to care for him, as his smack head mother is only good for churning out kids she can't look after, at the last count eight. So how is throwing piles of money at these kind of people going to stop kids like these falling below the poverty threshold? It isn't, in fact if anything, granting irresponsible people more money in child benefit payments, will surely encourage the feckless to produce yet more kids they are incapable of looking after. From misguided teenagers on council estates who consider babies nothing more than a fashion accessory, to workshy layabouts, to whom a litter of bambinos represents nothing more than a free ride, the money would surely be better spent taking the majority of these unlucky sprites into some form of care. Perhaps we would then see a fall in the numbers of feral kids who callously murder and maim innocent passer byes, on what now seems to be a weekly basis.

Stop The Nonsense

Can Someone Explain?

Today was budget day, and when I have more time tomorrow, I will delve into it deeper, but I have one immediate question. They have stuck above inflation tax hikes on all alcohols, in a bid they say to curb binge drinking. I think we are all agreed that most heavy duty binge drinking is done by young shiftless layabouts, who bang out kids for fun, then expect us, the taxpayer, to stump up for them. So if you wish to make booze to expensive for these little toe rags, why have they increased child benefit? Are they as misguided to think the track suit wearing underclass actually use this state handout to look after their kids? How else do they think they can afford to roam round in expensive sporting gear, puffing on cigs whilst sharing round a two litre bottle of White Lightning? It beggars belief as to how out of touch these jokers really are.

Stop The Fucking Nonsense........Please!!!

King Baz Strikes Winner

Big Baz showed his backbone is made of steel, after he came back from sub par performance against the Daggers a couple of weeks ago to score the winner against Chester. So fuck all you Baz bashers who post all week on the T&A website about what a waste of space he is. These knobheads need a wake up call as to which division we are playing in, and although the Bazmeister will never worry the Premier League, lets be honest neither will we. I am sick of these moaning twats week in week out praising the big effort, low on talent Colbeck, yet riding our big centre forward, and Omar Daley, like the ills and position of our club was solely down to them. Yes, if we are to eventually move up the leagues we will have to say good bye to the likes of Conlon, but while he's here get off his fucking back.

Dead Eye Injury Mars Euro Victory

The Euro Elite took the shirt lifting JMF down by six goals last night, although a late injury to Dead Eye took a bit of shine of the result. It made no difference to the final score, we were already five up when he went down under a JohnnyM challenge, but we still wish him a speedy recovery. The game itself was pretty one sided throughout, the MoFo stunk. Funky was in full headless chicken mode, and I would personally like to thank King Dave for the sweet pass across his own goal line to present me with the easiest of goals. Lefty was a late replacement for the Shoutster, and his winning run continues, he scored a marvellous effort past Dead Eye. To be frank, if the MoFo don't raise their performance soon, we shall have to start looking for a worthy challenge.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, King Dave, Funky, Dead Eye and The Villian

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Lefty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Young gaz

2008 Season

• JMF wins -3



• Euro Elite - 7



• Draws - 0

Patty Knevil

After last nights posting, concerning the Westgate Run of Wakefield challenge, I received a text message from squad member Patty. It would seem dodging former coal miners tanked up on alcopops wasn't daring enough for the Patmeiester. His suggestion for our next away trip is the daddy of all runs, the Pamplona Bull Run. Safety wear is not required, nor even mentioned in any of the rules and regulations, which to be honest, all seem to favour the bull. It is to late to even contemplate The young daredevil forgets that quite a few of us have passed the 40 year old milestone, and breaking into a brisk trot for a few of our members, would result in the need for de-fibrillation, but it has got my interest. I have faced down the Elster after staying out all weekend, and reckon I would be up to the challenge. Reading the info on the link I have supplied, it would take some organising, but in this day and age of rampant Health and Safety regulations, it could be quite a hoot. I like the fact that high visibility is not allowed. It is too late for it this year, and the problem I will face in the future, is that it falls on the Elsters birthday, but if someone else were to assist in getting it up and running, I am up for it. There is an English website that describes the run in full, and advises on the run itself and will also book accommodation, click here for the Pamplona Posse.



If this seems a bit to hair-raising (chance would be a fine thing in my case), there is the more sedate, but equally fun, La Tomatina tomato fight in Buñol near Valencia. This, as far as I can make out involves a few lorries full of tomato's pulling up in a town square, and the mother of all food fights then commencing. Happen not as dangerous, but I have yet to hear of anybody ever being gored to death by a tomato. These are just a couple of options for 2009, which will also include at least one pilgrimage to see the mighty TSV 1860 in Germany.



P.S.
The Westgate Run is all systems go for when i return from the USA. I knew I could rely on the Right Honourable. There are a few of us out for the Mansfield game on Saturday, a mini bender if you will, so if you haven't got anything lined up, get your arse out.

A Challenge

Bender Squad members, we have been challenged to undertake a drinking session in Wakefiled by a not so young rapscallion from Castleford, known as Jonesey. He reckons we will be unable to complete something known locally as the Westgate Run. It involves taking in an alcoholic beverages in around 20 pubs, all in a 500 yard stretch. I think it might be worth replacing this years pirate challenge (not the same without able seaman Dangerous Pete), sometime through the summer. It would be nice to put this erstwhile coal miner in his place.

FA Cup

I thought I would stick my two pennies worth in about the FA Cup, before all the supposed commentators start carping on about what a poor final it will be this year, because there are no "big" teams left in it. I say "good", I as a supporter of none of the big four, who have won every final since 1995, and contested everyone since 1991, look forward to NOT watching two teams meet each other for the umpteenth time that season, going through all the hyperbole concerning their greatness, to then watch a snorefest decided by either penalties or a solitary goal in injury time. When another team does manage to break the monopoly, they then show up determined not be humiliated, the result a one sided snorefest decide by a solitary goal in normal time. I know the West Ham-Liverpool game a couple of years back was a corking game, but it was definitely the exception to the rule. This year we can look forward to a real team, supported by real fans, who the result will be a probable once in a lifetime outing that will go down in that city/towns history. I would love to see a West Brom v Barnsley final, as that would really get up the nose of all the part time glory hunters, and would actually feature more than a handful of English players.

P.S.
Isn't Alex Ferguson a bad loser. And don't you just love hearing him whine.

The Week in Nonsense

Step forward, yet again, the ever reliable Labour party, our useless government. As reported in an earlier post, Jaqui Smith, who is becoming something of a rich source, spouted a torrent of nonsense in regards to the now voluntary ID cards. I wouldn't trust this woman with a box of matches, never mind all my personal details, including fingerprints and bio metrics. Not to be outdone in the stupid Labour woman stakes is one Margaret Hodge, Minister for Culture, complaining that the proms appeal to a too inclusive audience. So does Crufts, the dog show, but no one complains about this. Maybe we can get a feline equality commission together, at the tax payers expense of course, to work out how it can become more inclusive for cats. I wish that's all I had to do all day, sit around and think up bullshit. I mean the proms, who really gives a fuck?? House prices falling, the American credit crunch, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and she's concerned that there aren't enough black and brown faces at some musical festival where fat ugly inbreds go to wave flags. And what is all this crap concerning Prince Harry? Fair play to the guy, he joins the army, and wants to go off and shoot folk. Does it really warrant endless hours of TV footage and acres of newspaper pages? Like fuck it does. This weeks waste of money may not be on an epic scale, as were the previous two weeks, but is worth pointing out, as it is a local issue to me. £8,600,000 is to be spent on electric road signs on the M62 to improve traffic with information for motorists. This will no doubt point out to us stupid plebs things like," slow down rain" or "take a break, tiredness kills". Even better, as you are sat motionless in yet another jam, "Beware, Stationary Traffic". Lastly, just to prove that stupidity is contagious, one religious leader, a Canon Tony Shepherd of St Peter's Church in Harrogate, has proposed that churches turn down Lottery grant money for upgrades and renovation, as it sends out the message that the church is giving it's blessing to gambling. Why don't they just tax the shit out of beer instead? Would that make him happy? My big fear, is that come Wednesday, he will more than likely get his wish.

Stop The Nonsense

Champagne and Cigars

You would think I'd learn, but Friday night turned into Saturday morning, and I stumbled through the door after 3a.m., with work only five hours away. It was great to see the Gster, Mallcy and Maffy again, and thankfully El Grande Queso went home at a sensible hour, thus avoiding the casino. We put the world to rights, and my campaign to get the Right Honourable Shouty elected to Parliament now has garnered a few more supporters. Normal service is resumed next week. If you get to a PC, we didn't win the lotto G-Spot, so unfortunately you will have to come home.

Friday Change

in honour of a new addition, tonight's Friday flyer will be taking place in Bingley town, instead of the Upper George. Mallcy finally mustered up enough swimmers to get their lass in the family way, the result was born late last week, a bouncing baby boy. So as is tradition round these parts, it's off to wet the babies head. Get in there Malcolm...

Why Won't They Let it Lie??

ID cards. Why? Why? Why can't they just give them up? Are their ego's that large? Do they think we are that stupid? Ms Smith, the home secretary, thinks that if our details are saved in different places they will be more secure. How? Will this not just mean there are more places for our details to go missing from? They will be compulsory for foreign nationals from outside the U.K. Does this mean all the illegal one's that the card is supposed to protect against, will be lining up to give themselves up? I can see the market for fake cards doing a brisk business, and it is just what our over burdened police force needs, more paper work to fill out for stop and searches. Security sensitive employees, such as airport staff, will also be forced to carry one. Why? The lack of airplanes exploding in mid-air indicates to me that the current procedures appear to be working rather well. She even dug out the old chestnut about it protecting us from rabid terrorists. The Madrid train bombers were all in possession of valid Spanish ID cards, and the London tube bombers would have all been entitled to any identity card that the government would have introduced as well. So will someone please explain to me how it will help curb this supposedly immanent threat? Then there is the cost. Ms Smith says the new measures will cut a billion pounds off the original pricing for such a scheme, but did not then mention what it would cost, or how it will be paid for, and how much we will be charged for carrying this stupid little card. No one, she says, will be forced to have one, so when no one stumps up any moola for it what will she do? Lastly, in the next year or so, a voluntary scheme for all students is to be rolled out. Hopefully when the take up is so pitifully low they will finally drive a stake through the ID databases heart. Even better though, by the time their timetable for a national roll out comes around, they will all be down the DHSS, dodging the chav underclass like the rest of us.

Stop The Nonsense

Old School Dust Up

A glut of injuries saw the return of two retired legends down the Wood, as Dr Shotgun replaced Young Gaz, and good old Two Scoops returned for a lame Dead Eye. The game was actually a pretty good laugh for a change, Jamon and the good Doctor picking up their old sledging almost immediately, and the Funky M and big JohnnyMedia also giving each other the big I am. Clogs picked up the scoring plaudits, but Shotgun was magnificent between the sticks, and buried the two clear chances he was presented with. A special mention goes to King Dave, who bravely hobbled through the game to make sure it was an actual five a side game. Two Scoops has ridden off into the sunset for good, so he says, and he scored a dribbler from the halfway line as a curtain call. Hopefully next week the teams will be back to usual, as getting two fairly even sides this week was a nightmare. Oh yes, I nearly forgot, the limp wristed arse bandits of the JMF were crushed 15-8.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, King Dave, Funky, Two Scoops and the Mercenary

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Shouty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Dr Shotgun

2008 Season

• JMF wins -3



• Euro Elite - 6



• Draws - 0

I Miss....

Proper cop shows. Stuff like the Sweeny and Starsky and Hutch, when after bringing the bad guy to justice, they got pissed and pulled birds. I know Life on Mars and the current series Ashes to Ashes feature Gene Hunt, a bit of a throwback copper from the 70/80's, but let's be honest. It sucks. A one trick pony that was stretched by the time of the second series of Life on Mars. At least it is more entertaining than the drivel served up on the differing CSI shows. On first viewing these seem good shows, the acting, special effects, soundtrack and settings are all first rate. But after watching three or four episodes, it all starts to become a bit distasteful. Why do all the crimes have to be so salacious? If it is not some brutal sex killing, almost always involving some extremely good looking woman, or even worse a child murder. We get the moody looks, a few SFX of either the bullet trajectory or blood splatter from a knife wound, a red herring and then they catch the guy. The perpetrator then confesses straight away. End of show. And repeat. All set to a Who soundtrack. Marginally preferable to Greys Anatomy is what I reckon. The English cop shows are even worse. The Bill is staffed by ex-Eastenders, and the dross that's put out by the BBC is an affront to tax, sorry, license payers. My advice? Stick yo the ITV digital channels, home to the Sweeny, the Proffesionals and Jim Rockford, proper shows, with proper theme tunes and bad guys.

The Week in Nonsense

Step forward Barnsley council, who are pushing to outlaw smoking outside pubs and restaurants. One of the councillors claimed in good weather, if he wished to eat or drink outside, smokers would pollute the area with smoke, in breach of the new smoking laws. My suggestion to the sane people of Barnsley, is to find this knobheads favourite pub/restaurant, fill up on beans, curry and Guinness, and then sit as close as possible to where he sits. The resulting fart-fest would hopefully gag him out, and make him wish he were smelling tobacco smoke instead. This is yet another example of how stupid laws spiral out of control. Little Stalins, like these fuckwits will only facilitate the demise of the unique British pub culture. Which brings us nicely onto all the idiots lining up to demand higher taxes on booze. Yet again, people like me and and you are to be punished financially, for the moronic few. The idiots who slam a bottle of spirits before they go out are not going to be deterred, in fact it will only lead to an explosion of booze cruises. One guy, a professor no less, claims supermarkets are "practically giving it away". What nonsense. Enforce the laws to hand if you wish to prevent underage drinking. When I was under 18, getting a pint, or served beer in shops was nigh on impossible, yet it seems 12/13 year olds are today free to but liquor with impunity. Enough already. But maybe we need to tax hardworking folk a bit more to pay for the ever increasing under class who think state subsidy's are a valid career choice. A fine example is the little scumbag on Tyneside, who at the grand old age of 21, has sired his seventh child, all to different slappers. And because the little sperm bank doesn't work, guess who is footing the bill? You and I, that's who. Don't be fooled into thinking this is a one off. At my kids school, there is a couple, who have four kids, only one is his, the rest have their own dad. Each. Anyway, not only do they see fit not to bother themselves with gainful employment, they can't even be arsed to raise themselves from bed in the morning to take their kids to school. Are they dragged to court? Are social workers called in to evaluate the problem? No, a teacher has to walk down and get them in a morning. Unbelievable. This ties in neatly to this weeks colossal waste of money story. £900,000,000 pounds has been spent to cut the amount of teenage truancy in this country over the last few years. Can you guess what the outcome of spending this vast amount of cash was? The rate actually went up 10%. How can you spend that kind of money on truancy? What on earth was it spent on? The mind truly boggles.

STOP THE NONSENSE

Bantams 0 Daggers 2

After Tuesday nights performance of the season, we expected to stroll to victory against the lowly Dagenham & Redbridge. It also seemed the players did as well, in what can only be described as a woeful effort. Half the team, Thorne in particular, looked totally uninterested, and the ones who did, such as Colbeck, lacked the wit and wherewithal to prevent a below average team from bagging all the points. The game was dreadful.

Baz Watch;

When our erstwhile front man is off his game, he truly stinks the place out, and for the 20 or so minutes he played, he reeked. A missed penalty, followed up by a missed sitter, knocked the Bazmeister's usually decent hold up game out of whack, he couldn't trap cement on this performance, but the people slagging him off after the game seemed to forget the rest of the team stunk the joint out as well.

There is no pie rating this week, as our appointed guest reviewer was on the lash till gone 6 a.m., and couldn't face a Bovril.