Top Ten.....Drunken Injuries

This thread was inspired by Crespo's recent injury playing football, and to be honest it was his idea. This meant I had to think up ten scrapes that warranted inclusion, and would have some entertainment value. The problem with this, is that usually, somebody getting hurt just isn't that funny, except for one instance. That is, of course, when they are inebriated. So I got to thinking, and drawing up a short list of entrants to compile my list. Surprisingly though, and with some credit it has to be noted, I couldn't think of ten. Nor nine. Not even SIX! That's right, even after decades of stupidity, buffoonery and oceans of ale, I could only think of five cases worthy of reporting. But the five that I thought of, are good 'uns, especially the top three. So in reverse order, these are the top drunken trips, spills, beaks and abrasions in Bender squad history.

5. Jamon, The Skip. Madrid 2005.
Long absent member Jamon, was pretty much wankered all weekend during our trip to see Real Madrid in the Spanish capital. The amazing thing was that his come uppance did not occur until our final night. Up till this point he had nearly been smacked by a massive taxi driver, had run ins with numerous bouncers and staggered all around a vast night club with several steep staircases. But he just about manged to circumnavigate all of them. The thing that felled, so he claims, was a building site skip. Now there is plenty of skepticism surrounding this claim, especially from myself and Helmet, how maintain he upset a passing group of girl guides who duffed him up, but as he was the only person present, his account will have to suffice. What is known though, and we have eye witness accounts from both Helmet and King Dave, was that he was found unconscious in the bath room, covered in vomit, sick and piss, with a big gash on his napper. Because we were abroad, there was no visit to the local A&E, as he had no insurance, and had never bothered to get his E111. A close scrape indeed. (OOA stands for Out Of Action)

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 2/5
Ambulance- 0/5
Blood- 3/5
Breakage- 0/5
Buffoon- 2/5
OOA- 0/5
Total- 7/30

4. Helmet, The Suitcase. Wilsden 2007
This was is pure Helmet, who has a penchant for being a dare devil when he is in the United Kingdom ( I should point out that he doesn't do this kind of thing abroad, as he has reminded me on numerous occasions.) For a time he lived in an old terraced house in the back of beyond, commonly known as Wilsden, and one night, when pissed, came up with a novel way to combine luggage with skiing. I am sure they had a name for this wonderful new "sport" but the name escapes me for the moment. What I do know is the involved standing in an open suitcase, at the top of some steep stone steps, and launching one's self downwards. They even did it two at a time, and no doubt backwards and blindfolded, depending on the intake of alcohol and God knows what else. the injury count, as you can imagine was high, but the best (or worst) injury was the inventor himself, sustaining a hair line fracture of the leg. Marvelous.

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 0/5
Ambulance- 0/5
Blood- 0/5
Breakage- 2/5
Buffoon- 5/5
OOA- 2/5
Total- 9/30

3. Jamon, The Palm Tree. Bradford, 2001
The big man strikes again, and once more the exact cause of his demise is shrouded in mystery. All that is known, is that we were in a night club, that was in the old Blue Lace, that had some kind of insane drinks promotion on. It was Waynsters birthday, and Jamon was arsed and in full obnoxious mode. The problem was that this was a work night, and only he had the next day off. So as the progressed, and he upset more and more folk, his posse was dwindling, leaving him more and more isolated. He was last seen swinging from a plastic palm tree, telling the bouncers, who were trying to coax him down, to suck his cock. The next sighting of Mr Jamon was laid out on his sofa, with several stitches in his head, to badly bruised ribs and a dislocated shoulder. He claims to have blacked out, only coming too as he was loaded onto an ambulance, after being recovered from the bottom of the fire exit steps. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out what happened, do you?

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 2/5
Ambulance- 5/5
Blood- 1/5
Breakage- 1/5
Buffoon- 3/5
OOA- 2/5
Total- 14/30

2. Helmet, The Roller Blade. Wilsden 2001
What is it with Tony and house parties in Wilsden? This was the annual Old Years night Shindig at Tanya's, and the lad was in full stuntman mode. It was a freezing cold night, and after drinking up a storm round the pubs of Wilsden, we carried on the festivities, with such japery as breakfast hatch diving (for witch I ended up taking half the skin of me bald head, after a botched landing) and an assortment of other Tom foolery. But the icing on the cake was to occur at the crack of dawn. As I lay in slumber on the sofa, Helmet had come across a pair of roller blades, that belonged to Tanya's teenage daughter. The led, if memory serves, to some kind of dare being laid down. As I said, Danielle must have been around 13 at the time, and didn't (still doesn't) have the foot size of the six foot plus Helmet. This did not prevent him some how managing to squeeze his big old flippers into the youngsters roller blades. After this result, he announced he was going to blade his way home, and we would see him in the pub around lunch time. As I alluded to earlier, it was the coldest festive season in decades, and it was extremely icy underfoot, as the Big Lad found out on the third step down from the front door. I became aware of the unfolding situation when I came around to find a couple of Paramedics hovering over me, looking at my scuffed up cranium. "Are you sure this one doesn't need any attention?" I heard one enquire. I told her I was fine, and they left, with Helmet strapped up in the back of their meat wagon, headed for the Bradford Royal Infirmary to patch up his broken leg. In three places. The lad needs covering in bubble wrap.

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 0/5
Ambulance- 5/5
Blood- 0/5
Breakage- 5/5
Buffoon- 5/5
OOA- 4/5
Total- 19/30

1. Geevers, The Bunny Hop. Wyke 2006
What on Earth could top Helmets skating folly I hear you ask. Well gather round old chums, and I shall share a story of stupidity that will stretch your perceptions of idiocy. For those of you who don't know Geevers (aka G-Spot) he is a lover of mountain biking and beer, a combination that should never be combined. Unfortunately one dark winters eve, after a good session in the Upper George, a well lubricated Geevers, whilst out walking his dog, happened across some young biking enthusiasts practising a variety of tricks. Next to a electric sub station. "Here lads" piped up our hero, " I'll show you a trick!" he averred. He scrambled up to the top of the sub station, and got one of the lads to pass up his cycle. His aim was to bunny hop of the building, and execute a perfect landing. Now I have had the benefit of bumping into of these young fella's, and have witnessed what happened next, thanks to the lad having videoed the action on his phone. Geevers is stood ready to go, and at the last moment appears to have a moment of clarity, and tries to stop his impossible manoeuvre. But it's too late, and a "Bolloxs" is audible as he tumbles head first off the building. The result? A broken back, no less. A passer by alerts the emergency services, as one of the lads takes his dog home, and breaks the news of the failed stunt to his missus, who is none to pleased. He is strapped into brace and rushed off to hospital. Weeks later, and still not fully recovered, he sneezes, and once more an ambulance is summoned to rescue our glass backed hero. Thankfully, through the passing of time, he has recovered, but sadly our search to re-find the video clip has failed. The night we met the lad, neither of had a phone with blue tooth, so we were unable to attain the footage for your entertainment. which is a shame, as it was well funny.

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 0/5
Ambulance- 5/5
Blood- 0/5
Breakage- 5/5
Buffoon- 5/5
OOA- 5/5
Total- 20/30