Killer Keisters

I was just scrolling down my recent posts, and was quite taken with the pert posterior I posted a few days back to break up the football chat. I liked it. And it just so happens I have been pondering a weekly posting that is both lazy, and features a picture, to take the place place of the long ceased "Battle of the Brews" campaign. So in honour of the part of the female anatomy that most floats my boat, welcome to the inaugural "Killer Keisters" thread. It fits perfectly, as there is an unlimited source of material, and all it requires is a picture and a glib remark. The honour of the first "Double K" award goes to super Scarlett Johansson, whose ass shake makes ultra dull Iron man 2 just about watchable. The only word I can think of to describe its magnificence is "MUCHOS!!"

Ad es Aus!

Der Bundesliga got underway over the last weekend, and 1860 were the Monday night game taking on VFL Bochum, who are going to be one of the contenders for promotion this year, so it was a stern test away from home. To stern it transpired, as Der Lowen went down bravely 3-2, sunk by two goals from the "Peoples Rooney" Jong Tae-se. "Who he?" I hear you ask. He is the North Korean chap who was seen in floods of tears at the recent World Cup as his countries national anthem was played prior to the Brazil game. Big Bad Benny Lauth pulled one back 30 minutes from time to make the home team sweat, but alas, they ended up leaving empty handed. Next weeks home opener is against perennial strugglers Vfl Osnabruk, so you can almost guarantee a loss. For those interested, I will be pricing up the Berlin trip when I return from Brussels, although Crespo is still holding out. I am toying with a Facebook campaign to make him change his mind.

Four Play

For the fourth week in a row a patched up JMF succumbed to the Righteous. From the off the MoFo were determined to upset the odds, and got off to a strong start, the cumbersome Jamon even bamboozled Euro Bri to conjour up a score, but that was to be pretty much that. The early lead given up by the Euro boys was probably the kick in the pants that was required, and although it was nip and tuck for a spell, once the gap was opened the result was not in doubt. Two Scoops and Clogs ran riot up front, and long distance scores from Euro, Mercenary and Shouty gave the boys in white a lead that was never less than four. At the final bell only Jamon could be heard to wail of the injustice of it all, his team mates knew the result was just. But the tide could be turning for the MoFo. Second in command Funky should be returning next week, and the week after that, fingers crossed, they should have King Dave and Dead Eye back, which will mean that they will be sporting their first team for the first time since early May. Of course by the time they have got back up to full fitness, and reacquainted themselves with each other, they could have a mountain to climb.

JMF- Ramsey Street, Big Phil, Big JohnnyM, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 18


Draws - 0

Not as Gay

For a few years we (as in me and Crespo, Shouty and Sprocket) have had to put up with catcalls about the gayness of our 1860 wristbands. Especially from our wives and girlfriends. But all that may be about end. Sort of. Because Der Lowen have re-designed their Schweißbands. Instead of the classically camp baby blue and white stripes, they have gone for singular colours, as shown below:


Sexy, eh? To be fair baby blue will always be a little fruity, but white is the colour of the Righteous Euro Boys, and fair drips with manliness! I will always retain my original band, purchased on my first trip to the Allianz, but ever since Crespo's missus tried to get it around her head, it has been looking a bit baggy. I am thinking of placing an order for a couple of things, but the shipping is a killer, so if any other members want anything let me know and we can split the difference.

MoFo Broken?

Have the Righteous finally broken the will of shirt lifting MoFo? Once again they had a make shift side, One Scoop, who was pencilled in to sub for Dead Eye, was laid low by a leg injury, and late sub Big JohnnyM was called up. He did his best, but was showing a lack of match fitness, after being unable himself to play for three weeks. Once again Big Phil played for the long term Funky. Surprisingly they took a three goal lead. King Dave looked to be on fire, and an upset seemed to be on the cards. But hope shone bright briefly, and within another five minutes the game was up. To stand a chance, they needed to have their eye in, and the brief moments were they found themselves in scoring position, either great keeping, or snatched shooting, meant that they didn't score for 40 minutes. Of course we scored a hat full. Game over. After the match, King Dave was the first to carp about the fairness of the sides, and then immediately announce he couldn't play for the next two weeks. Which is where the JMF problem really lies. Of course Funky and dead Eyes recent injuries couldn't be helped, but the secret to a successful side is continuity. Last year, with both Two Scoops and Clogs sidelined, we suffered a similar problem. Over the past two months only Luklear and Jamon have regularly shown up, and the lack of cohesion has cost them dear. Combine this with the long lay offs of Crespo and Young Gaz has meant ready made replacements are not easy to come by. Next week sees yet another line up change, and hopefully we will get a game, because unlike our effeminate opponents, we don't enjoy easy victories. Still, we will take the win.....

JMF- King Dave, Big Phil, Big JohnnyM, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 17


Draws - 0

Given a Good Kicking

You may be wondering why there hasn't been any posts over the last couple of days. Well, if truth be told, I am recovering from taking a bit of a beating. Battered and bruised most of Sunday, licking my wounds on Monday . On Saturday, after a few brews in Wilsden, me and Mossy decided to have a few beers in Clayton, as it was nearer to home. Everything was going along swimmingly, until we stumbled into the Albion, were I got into it with an old adversary that I hadn't crossed paths with a few years. Sambucca. At my age I should know better, but the young bar keep was pert and friendly, and after we did a Jagermeister with her, she smiled and returned the favour with a round of Cranberry Sambuccas. Of course they didn't taste nearly as bad as they usually do, and Mossy insisted on another. Combine this with ten plus pints all ready quaffed, and we were on a slippery slope. I vaguely remember having two or three more, and ringing cab. My next memory is pissing down the side of our lasses motor, falling over in the bathroom. and waking up with television nearly knocked off it's stand. Of course Sunday was a write off. But at least I made it home. Mossy decided to walk home, which meant he spent a few hours asleep in a field, after realising he didn't live as close to the Albion as he thought. Where's sensible Kev when you need him?

Bantams 1 The Boro 0

No, I didn't realise that Stevenage F.C. were nicknamed "The Boro" either, but that's what it says on Wikipedia, so it will do for me. If truth be told, it is the most interesting thing to report, on what can only be described as a snooze-fest of epic proportions. It was a strange game, Taylor rested numerous players from the mid-week cup game against Forest, and those who did start never really got out of first gear. The visitors, in only their second ever league game, made all the running, but although they hogged possession, never did much with it. The after half an hour, Bullock went down in the area, and Evans scored form the spot. Daley nearly scored early in the second half (which might have made a game of it) and Stevenage had a golden opportunity to equalise from a poor back pass, but it was fluffed. And that was about it. The one saving grace is that under the previous regime we would have lost.

So much for the game, now on to our new seating arrangement. Queso requested a change of view, and after three seasons in the same area we decided to give the top tier of the Kop a go, until at least Christmas. It is a Hell of view, we are about six rows from the back of the stand, but this means there are a considerable amount of stairs to be climbed. The Grande one was away on his holidays, and I am keen to hear his thoughts on the cliff like ascent that he will need to undertake every other Saturday. (Will do him good, if you ask me) Of course our new stair master route to our seats will allow for more pie action, as the effort should burn up most of the calories that have just been ingested. The toilets are also a fair old hike, which means more beer can be supped for the same reason. The main bonus though, is that we will remain dry during the British rainy season, which now seems to run from July through to May.

Pie Rating- A guest effort this week. We called in at Haighys for a swift one on our way to the ground, and they had a free Keema on the go, so I filled my face, which meant I didn't bother with a pie. Instead Mossy's young lad, Lichen, filled the breach, wolfing down a Steak and Kidney. He gave it a perfect 10/10. Now I admit it is good, but I fear youthful exuberance may have got the better of him. For a start he didn't even eat the crust! Kids these days.....



Kev Watch- I am not sure if the lad is suffering a bit of a World Cup hangover, but he is having a bit of a Rooney at the moment. He is showing glimpses, but is in desperate need of form. He drove to the game, so took it easy on the beer. Then he had to try a placate a bored Helmet, who doesn't do shit football games well, and then jiggered off early from the Villager. An improvement on the previous outing, he didn't get me a pint of Carling for a start, so his free transfer to Park Avenue is off the cards. Maybe a couple of months on loan at Guisley will sort him out......4/10

Pert

As you have noticed, the last last several posts have all been about football. Now I am making no apologies for this, after all football season has just started, and the games tend to come hot and heavy. For example, we are off to watch the Bantams this afternoon. So to break up the soccer monopoly, here is a picture of a pert bottom.

Final Reminder

We have the prerequisite number of teams to be in contention for the dream team prize, but the numbers are down on last year. So this is the last chance to score points from the off, all teams need to be registered by 12:30 tomorrow, or you will have to take the golden gamble route and take a late entry. Machine is in, and it is down to myself, Big John B, Lobon, Aki and Lobon to prevent his win streak extending to six. So get your cards out, ya tight wads, and get joined up.

Ponces Kick Off

So the a week after the proper football season started, the overpaid thespians take their bow, as the English Premier league gets under way. And for a change it could actually be interesting. Instead of the same four clubs strolling to a top four finish, we actually have at worst six, at best eight teams that look like they could actually contend. Villa and Everton are, admittedly long shots, but Man City, Spurs, Arsenal, Liverpool, United and Chelsea can be considered legitimate title hopefuls. True, both Liverpool and Tottenham look a little short squad wise, but both Chelsea and United are beginning to look long in the tooth, and Arsenal still seem a little lightweight. Does this mean Man City are due to buy the crown? I don't think so, as I am of the opinion that Mancini is a little too conservative to put his superior spending power to proper use. A team that is top heavy with defensive midfielders, and relying on the enigmatic Adebayor and Balotelli for goals does not look champion calibre to me. I reckon the stylish Italian will back in his home country in time for Christmas. Liverpool will improve under Hodgson, the Gunners will flatter to deceive, Chelsea seem to be getting old fast, and as for Spurs, come on..... so like it or not, and rest assured I don't, I fore see a last hurrah for the likes of Neville, Giggs and Scholes as a Rooney inspired Man United move ahead of Liverpool as the most successful English team of all time. In the Fa Cup, I predict Manchester City, lead by Martin O'Neil, as winners, the League Cup, or whatever it is called now, going to Chelsea, In Europe, Hodgson will loose his third Uefa Cup, or whatever it is called now, final too Werder Bremen. In the champions league Spurs will go on a magical run to become the first English team to win all three European trophies. I predict this in honour of my favourite Swiss geezer, The Major. Going Down? Blackpool, West Brom and the JMF.

Shafted....Scum Style

Not my words, but Dead Eye Phil's, after a close fought game down the Wood was settled by three late scores, as the JMF let a two goal lead evaporate in the final five minutes. Eve I had to admit they were a little hard done by, although when I shook his hand at the final buzzer, and commiserated "Hard luck, you played well," Dead Eye responded by telling me to shove it my arse! (To be honest, it was the reply I was hoping to ellicit.) A quick strat by the Righteous seemed to indicate yet another cake walk, but slack defending saw the but munchers pull level, and then, even more surprisingly, pull ahead. Jamons big toe was in full flow, and Dead Eye and Luklear war finishing well. It looked as though we had shot our bolt, especially when Two Scoops back injury flared up. Yet the MoFo lead was never extended out of reach. Time and again we manged to draw level, but when Big Phil toed one in late in the game, to earn a two goal lead, all seemed lost. But the speed of Scoops and Clogs began to make space in the JMF rearguard, and a quintet of unanswered scores broke the rent boys hearts. Young One Scoop will be filling Dead Eye's boots for the next three weeks, but can he stem the Righteous tide? Tune in next week to find out.....

JMF- Ramsey Street, Big Phil, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 16


Draws - 0

Bantams 2 Forest 1

It has been a hectic couple of days, so just a quick post concerning the Mighty bantams stunning victory over Nottingham Forest. As I have mentioned in the previous post, I wangled a last minute invitation to the game, on a freebie in one of the corporate boxes. Free beer and sandwiches to go with free entry. Sweet! (Even though it does go against my feelings that corporate greed is taking the game away from the working man, but it was free beer!) So on to the match. Again a bright start from the lads, with short passes and movement again replacing the big hoof up ti the big man, that has blighted the Parade for the last three seasons. There were many changes from the opening day defeat, and it was good to see Omar back in the fold. Of course this didn't stop Forest taking the lead, and at half time it appeared only a matter of time till the lead was extended. The I remembered why free ale & grub was not a good idea, as I was still stuffing my face when we equalised. A shrewd triple substitution by Mr Taylor saw the introduction of a non league triallist Syers. I may have missed him score, but he was very impressive for the remainder of the game. Good in the tackle, clever running and most impressively to my eyes, the ability to carry the ball forward and pass intelligently. Another non-league diamond? Let's hope so. Because then we would have a pair, as the front line play of Jake Speight, in my opinion anyway, earned man of the match. A real handful who harried and chased everything, with a good touch, and quicker than he looks. Evans will be fearing for his spot, as I felt the front three of Speight, Hansen and Moult looked very good. Last but not least, a mention for McLaughlin. Why he has had to wait this long for a run as number 1, I am not sure, as he looks an upgrade on Glennon and the loan keeper we had last season. We have drawn Preston at home in the next round, maybe not the most glamorous tie we could have got, but winnable. Bring on Stevenage.

Just Cause

I have a very good reason for the brevity of this posting. I have managed to blag my way into one of the corprate boxes at Valley Parade. See you soon.

Shrews 3 Bantams 1

And they are off! And what a flyer it seemed to be. The lads in mustard yellow (what a nasty kit) passed and moved, with nary a big hoof in sight, as the home side were starved of possession. Then on 25 minutes, the impressive youngster Adeyemi took advantage of some shabby tackling, and scored an opener. We all sat back, and expected the game to open up, and for our condiment coloured heroes to kick on and make the game safe. But of course this is Bradford City, and within 10 minutes the lively Town winger flung in a cross, that seemed to have been well collected by our keeper. Till he hit the ground, and the ball flew loose. A scramble ensued, and you guessed it, 1-1. We had a great view of the incident, and it was one of those calls that usually sees a free kick given for fouling the keeper, but the shrill sound of the whistle never came. The rest of the half passed without much incident, but that was all to change in the second half.

Shrewsbury hadn't looked much for the first 45 minutes, but the two wingers did catch the eye, and straight from the kick off they upped the pace, and began to run our defence, in particular Threlfall and Hunt ragged. Within ten minutes we were not just a goal down, but two, as their centre forward matched his goal total from last season, as he racked up a hat trick. Our response was little worrying, to be quite frank our lads looked a bit tired. There was plenty of effort all round, but a lack of pace and urgency saw all of this perspiration come to nought. Even when the home team had a man banished to the dressing room, little head way was made. Full time, 3-1 to Shrewsbury, and to be fair, they were well worth it. They will be there or abouts come the end of the season. But will we? Positives were to be had in the performances from Adeyemi, Williams and Doherty, and the passing patterns shown in the first half. Speight looked a hand full when brought on, and we have a fit Daley to come back after suspension. Plus it was the first game of the season, and nobody gets promoted in August. Next week Stevenage, with a mid week cup tie against Forest.

Kev Watch- A poor first outing form our lanky leg end. Fist up, he gave me a hard time for sleeping in, even though I had a hangover. He then got me a pint of Carling, moments after hearing me moan about how much I dislike the stuff. He thought it was well amusing, which makes me suspect he did it on purpose. He did come in handy for the pie shots, but that was about it. Looking for a stronger effort in the first home game, or I am contemplating letting him go on a free to Park Avenue. 2/10



Pie Rating- A double effort this week, as myself and Helmet sampled the savouries of Salop.

Cottage Pie- I clocked this effort straight away, as it something you do not often come across in the football league. A pie with no pastry. Instead it was served in a deep foil case, topped with mashed potato's, that were wonderfully crisp on the edge, after being left to warm in the oven. The mince was plentiful, and without grease. It probably could have used some vegetables, either carrot or pea, to flavour, but it was delightful. I scored it an immediate 9.2, but that could have just been down to sheer excitement of it being the years first savoury. I have since marked it down to an 8.8. It is a hard one to compare, as it is the only one I have tried, and so it has no peer. Will take some beating mind, especially since the mighty Dale pie is now strutting it's stuff in League 1. 8.8/10

Steak Pie- Another strong effort. A good heat, decent pastry and proper chunks of beef, of which there were many. But it was the stock that was the star. Beefy, but with plenty of peppery taste, and combined with brown sauce was a taste sensation. Kidney, or mushroom, would have complemented it wonderfully, and it's for this reason alone that it just falls short of the King of pies, the aforementioned Dale. 7.7/10



Steak Pie- If there is one thing Big Tone knows, it's grub, and the Steak Pie had him in raptures. From the flakiness of the pastry, to the chunks of beef via the succulent gravy. He even manges to get all into his mouth, something he failed to do in the greasy spoon we stopped at, slopping brown sauce down his white sweat shirt.The hard to please Helmet was impressed. he is a much tougher grader than myself, and struggled between awarding it an eight or a seven, so settled on the difference, awarding it a very strong 7.5/10.

The gauntlet has been thrown down....

Has the George been Goosed?

A while back I ran a top ten pubs of Bradford, and if memory serves The Upper George at Wibsey finished as numero uno. But there has been a nasty development of late. For some unfathomable reason they have introduced a pub disc jockey. It gets worse. He goes by the name of DJ Gaz, is about 52 and his record collection stops around 1989. To be fair, he has cut the volume over the last couple of weeks from ear drum shattering to dull roar. This meant a few weeks back a quick escape from the audio abomination, to the more tranquil surrounding s of the Gaping Goose (aka the Gaping Gash) which proved a bit of a result. Yes it is a bit of a time warp, what with the hanging Toby Jugs and numerous brass plates on the wall, but the beer is cheaper, and it has a much mellower vibe, more suited to the gentleman of advancing years that myself and Geevers have now become. Of course we still meet up at the George, but by around nine the Gazmeister has us beating our feet down the road. In fact, I think we shall return tonight, it is Friday after all...

Finger Out of Arse

As all of you have noticed over the last few months, my commitment to this blog has been pretty woeful. I could point to numerous reasons for this, but the main one is bone idleness. But I have finally relieved the proverbial kick up the arse that has been much need, from the good Dr Shotgun, how has told me quite frankly, that it has become stale and boring. And he is bang on the money. So from henceforth, I shall be making sure I allocate more time to the nonsense that is "Euros World." Of course it helps that football season is primed and ready to start this weekend. It is also good that we have an immediate "Away day" to post, as myself, Helmet and Crespo take off into deepest darkest Shropshire to watch the Bantams play the Shrews, This is followed by a 21st shindig for Kevs brother at the Fiddlers, There is a good chance that Clogs, The Boy, Mossy and even possibly Spunky Monkey could be out and about as well. All the required ingredients for some well earned buffoonery. Let the good times roll.

Die beliebtesten Majors Deutsch tune

You mat remember a couple of months ago that I posted El Grande Queso's favorite German tune (thanks to the Shoutster for tracking it down), but the Major also has a choice recording to add to the fray. Being a younger chap, it is not as folksy as the Big Cheese's, but I like it just as much. it has nothing at all to do with Fraulein in greens hot pants, or the fact that her bottom seems to be eating the fabric as you watch, but it does help. This has given me the idea for a random thread, dedicated to the joys of European popular music, and all suggestions will be galdy taken under consideration, apart from "99 Luftballons" which is just bloody lazy.

All together now....Hey! Das Geht Ab!

OMG!

It was a strange night down the Wood. A patched up JMF were badly let down when a planned fill in never showed. A passing sports centre employee was corralled into playing, and we finally got off to a start. The game itself was sightly lacklustre, late starts usually do this, but it was brought ot life by two stunning displays, that have earned a one off change of moniker. For one week only, Shouty shall be known as Shooty, and the good Dr Shotgun shall be referred to as DR Death, for the way he euthanized the opposition with a flurry of goals, that snuffed the life out of the MoFo challenge. Shooty may never have another night like this one. His boots became exocet launchers, as the goals flew in from far and wide, each one unstoppable. Myself, Two Scoops and Clogs could afford to take it easy, and crack jokes, and expended most of our efforts on winding up the rent boys, which was most enjoyable. They did, for a brief spell, have a chance to exert some pressure on the Righteous, but some fine keeping kept them at bay, and the game was up. A slender lead, once more for the Euro Boys.

JMF- King Dave, Big Phil, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Nab Wood Employee

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Dr Death, Shooty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 15


Draws - 0

Top Ten.....Drunken Injuries

This thread was inspired by Crespo's recent injury playing football, and to be honest it was his idea. This meant I had to think up ten scrapes that warranted inclusion, and would have some entertainment value. The problem with this, is that usually, somebody getting hurt just isn't that funny, except for one instance. That is, of course, when they are inebriated. So I got to thinking, and drawing up a short list of entrants to compile my list. Surprisingly though, and with some credit it has to be noted, I couldn't think of ten. Nor nine. Not even SIX! That's right, even after decades of stupidity, buffoonery and oceans of ale, I could only think of five cases worthy of reporting. But the five that I thought of, are good 'uns, especially the top three. So in reverse order, these are the top drunken trips, spills, beaks and abrasions in Bender squad history.

5. Jamon, The Skip. Madrid 2005.
Long absent member Jamon, was pretty much wankered all weekend during our trip to see Real Madrid in the Spanish capital. The amazing thing was that his come uppance did not occur until our final night. Up till this point he had nearly been smacked by a massive taxi driver, had run ins with numerous bouncers and staggered all around a vast night club with several steep staircases. But he just about manged to circumnavigate all of them. The thing that felled, so he claims, was a building site skip. Now there is plenty of skepticism surrounding this claim, especially from myself and Helmet, how maintain he upset a passing group of girl guides who duffed him up, but as he was the only person present, his account will have to suffice. What is known though, and we have eye witness accounts from both Helmet and King Dave, was that he was found unconscious in the bath room, covered in vomit, sick and piss, with a big gash on his napper. Because we were abroad, there was no visit to the local A&E, as he had no insurance, and had never bothered to get his E111. A close scrape indeed. (OOA stands for Out Of Action)

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 2/5
Ambulance- 0/5
Blood- 3/5
Breakage- 0/5
Buffoon- 2/5
OOA- 0/5
Total- 7/30

4. Helmet, The Suitcase. Wilsden 2007
This was is pure Helmet, who has a penchant for being a dare devil when he is in the United Kingdom ( I should point out that he doesn't do this kind of thing abroad, as he has reminded me on numerous occasions.) For a time he lived in an old terraced house in the back of beyond, commonly known as Wilsden, and one night, when pissed, came up with a novel way to combine luggage with skiing. I am sure they had a name for this wonderful new "sport" but the name escapes me for the moment. What I do know is the involved standing in an open suitcase, at the top of some steep stone steps, and launching one's self downwards. They even did it two at a time, and no doubt backwards and blindfolded, depending on the intake of alcohol and God knows what else. the injury count, as you can imagine was high, but the best (or worst) injury was the inventor himself, sustaining a hair line fracture of the leg. Marvelous.

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 0/5
Ambulance- 0/5
Blood- 0/5
Breakage- 2/5
Buffoon- 5/5
OOA- 2/5
Total- 9/30

3. Jamon, The Palm Tree. Bradford, 2001
The big man strikes again, and once more the exact cause of his demise is shrouded in mystery. All that is known, is that we were in a night club, that was in the old Blue Lace, that had some kind of insane drinks promotion on. It was Waynsters birthday, and Jamon was arsed and in full obnoxious mode. The problem was that this was a work night, and only he had the next day off. So as the progressed, and he upset more and more folk, his posse was dwindling, leaving him more and more isolated. He was last seen swinging from a plastic palm tree, telling the bouncers, who were trying to coax him down, to suck his cock. The next sighting of Mr Jamon was laid out on his sofa, with several stitches in his head, to badly bruised ribs and a dislocated shoulder. He claims to have blacked out, only coming too as he was loaded onto an ambulance, after being recovered from the bottom of the fire exit steps. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out what happened, do you?

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 2/5
Ambulance- 5/5
Blood- 1/5
Breakage- 1/5
Buffoon- 3/5
OOA- 2/5
Total- 14/30

2. Helmet, The Roller Blade. Wilsden 2001
What is it with Tony and house parties in Wilsden? This was the annual Old Years night Shindig at Tanya's, and the lad was in full stuntman mode. It was a freezing cold night, and after drinking up a storm round the pubs of Wilsden, we carried on the festivities, with such japery as breakfast hatch diving (for witch I ended up taking half the skin of me bald head, after a botched landing) and an assortment of other Tom foolery. But the icing on the cake was to occur at the crack of dawn. As I lay in slumber on the sofa, Helmet had come across a pair of roller blades, that belonged to Tanya's teenage daughter. The led, if memory serves, to some kind of dare being laid down. As I said, Danielle must have been around 13 at the time, and didn't (still doesn't) have the foot size of the six foot plus Helmet. This did not prevent him some how managing to squeeze his big old flippers into the youngsters roller blades. After this result, he announced he was going to blade his way home, and we would see him in the pub around lunch time. As I alluded to earlier, it was the coldest festive season in decades, and it was extremely icy underfoot, as the Big Lad found out on the third step down from the front door. I became aware of the unfolding situation when I came around to find a couple of Paramedics hovering over me, looking at my scuffed up cranium. "Are you sure this one doesn't need any attention?" I heard one enquire. I told her I was fine, and they left, with Helmet strapped up in the back of their meat wagon, headed for the Bradford Royal Infirmary to patch up his broken leg. In three places. The lad needs covering in bubble wrap.

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 0/5
Ambulance- 5/5
Blood- 0/5
Breakage- 5/5
Buffoon- 5/5
OOA- 4/5
Total- 19/30

1. Geevers, The Bunny Hop. Wyke 2006
What on Earth could top Helmets skating folly I hear you ask. Well gather round old chums, and I shall share a story of stupidity that will stretch your perceptions of idiocy. For those of you who don't know Geevers (aka G-Spot) he is a lover of mountain biking and beer, a combination that should never be combined. Unfortunately one dark winters eve, after a good session in the Upper George, a well lubricated Geevers, whilst out walking his dog, happened across some young biking enthusiasts practising a variety of tricks. Next to a electric sub station. "Here lads" piped up our hero, " I'll show you a trick!" he averred. He scrambled up to the top of the sub station, and got one of the lads to pass up his cycle. His aim was to bunny hop of the building, and execute a perfect landing. Now I have had the benefit of bumping into of these young fella's, and have witnessed what happened next, thanks to the lad having videoed the action on his phone. Geevers is stood ready to go, and at the last moment appears to have a moment of clarity, and tries to stop his impossible manoeuvre. But it's too late, and a "Bolloxs" is audible as he tumbles head first off the building. The result? A broken back, no less. A passer by alerts the emergency services, as one of the lads takes his dog home, and breaks the news of the failed stunt to his missus, who is none to pleased. He is strapped into brace and rushed off to hospital. Weeks later, and still not fully recovered, he sneezes, and once more an ambulance is summoned to rescue our glass backed hero. Thankfully, through the passing of time, he has recovered, but sadly our search to re-find the video clip has failed. The night we met the lad, neither of had a phone with blue tooth, so we were unable to attain the footage for your entertainment. which is a shame, as it was well funny.

Damage Rating-
Unconscious- 0/5
Ambulance- 5/5
Blood- 0/5
Breakage- 5/5
Buffoon- 5/5
OOA- 5/5
Total- 20/30

That Time Already?

Crikey! Football season seems to come around soon. This upcoming weekend see's the start of the proper football season, as the newly sponsored Npower leagues kick off. This year we start off with an Away day in Shropshire, as the Mighty bantams get their campaign underway with a tough assignment at Shrewsbury. Confindence is high, and after last years slow descent into mediocrity, I am predicting us to be title contenders, and am giving a guarantee of promotion. There, the kiss of death has well and truly been applied. To contend, I reckon Chesterfield and Gillingham will push us hard, with Rotherham United and a Super Barry Conlon inspired Stockport County as dark horses. I can also see Joe Colbeck leading Hereford United on a glorious run into the Conference, joined by a fast failing Southend United.

League One is all about Southampton, according to the experts, and I find it hard to disagree. Charlton and Sheffield Wednesday should be there and abouts, as will the Terriers. Hopefully they will fall short, again, and provide us with the local derby game we have been sorely missing the past few years. The Daggers are a good outside bet, and the MK Dons should contend. At the other end it has to be Rochdale. The bottom tier just doesn't seem right without them. They will be joined by Bournemouth, Hartlepool and Tranmere.

Next up is the Championship, of which Leeds finally managed to rejoin. Of course, being the modest bunch that they are, many are boasting about a run for the play offs. This should provide much entertainment throughout the season, as they battle against an immediate return to whenst they came. Alas, I reckon they should just about steer clear of the drop, their place being taken by Scunthorpe, Watford and a skint Portsmouth. Mind you, I did pick Blackpool for relegation last time around and look what happened to them. At the other end, you have to say that 'Boro look nailed on to claim at the minimum a play off berth, along with the Blades, Forest and Leicester. My pick for the automatic places are Norwich and Ipswich.

So that's my predicament, as the King of the Pixies would say, for the 2010/11 season. Next week I shall give my thoughts on the ponces of the Premier league, in the mean time, i am off to the bookies to see if my crystal ball is spot on, and will earn me a fortune, or more likely consign some more of my hard earned to the share holders of Ladbrokes.