All Change at the Top

Buffoonery Ahoy! You would have figured as we were out for brother Crespo's birthday, it may have been him who was at the centre of the points scoring, but it was the Bingley brigade who upped the ante. First up the Child Catcher. A hard one to score, as he is more annoying than stupid, and one of these days he is going to catch a proper beating. He even managed to wind me up, breaking the goldenest of golden rules by fucking around with my beer. I issued a severe reprimand, and it made it quite clear he was walking a fine line. But the nearest he came to a slap, was from Tony Helemt, who after a rough day at the office, came into the pub to let off a little steam, and blow the head off a cold one. The fact he was still wearing a tie proved to much for our young pest, and he wouldn't leave it alone. You could see the steam start to build up in Tony's head, and at one pint the Cathcer was a cats cock hair from getting strangled. Even his dad had to tell him to calm it down. He just doesn't learn, and maybe it's a good old fashion kicking he needs. I fear a good one is immanent. Three points.

Next up is the Grande Queso, and at the heart of his points tally, yet again. lies the Child Catcher. The youngster managed to piss off the owner of the City Vaults, he was pestering his insanely young piece of ass, but instead of tossing his backside out the door, told him he wasn't to be served for an hour, whilst he sobered up a bit. Not knowing the full tale, Queso burst into action. With no chunks of steak at hand to wave around, he instead produced his affiliation card, shouting loudly that he was an off duty CID detective, and that he was calling round the boy's to shut the place down. It was pretty funny that the bar manager took him so seriously, and entered into discussions, but when he uttered the immortal "Don't you know who I am?" points were required. He also lost his phone on the way home, a guaranteed point, bringing his total up to three.

But there was only one truly star turn. He even earned himself a new Bender Squad handle. No longer is he to be known as Maffy, but from this day hence he will be referred to as Trigger. Not once, not twice. Not even thrice. But time and again he got the Mercenary name wrong, apparently confusing him for some chap called Nick, who lives in New Zealand, and that he hasn't seen the best part of five years. But the Mercenary was not alone. John the Don, one of the most recognisable faces in the Greater Wilsden area, was re-christened Peter. When his foible was pointed out, he looked John straight in the eye, and said "Sorry Pete." But what was he still doing out? He had been redecorating his house, unplugged the telly and the computer to wall paper, when he decided to nip out for an hour. That was at two in the afternoon. When he staggered out of the Vaults at elevenish, he was shit faced. For the time in between, his mobile was under constant bombardment from his M.R.S., who was sat at home, alone, with no TV or Internet. She may well have been sat in the dark. All I know, is that she was mondo pissed. So what did Trigger do when he got outside the Vaults? On the realisation that he had no money, he decided to walk home. Which from the City Centre to his doorstep comes up at just over seven miles. And he was proper wankered. Anyway, he must have covered a couple of miles, when he realised just how far it was to get home. So he had to ring up his massively irate to come and fetch him from Mannigham Lane. The only problem was that he was walking along Toller Lane, which is no where near Manningham Lane. The poor girl had to drive around a couple of the less salubrious areas of town for about an hour before she located him. I am certainly glad I wasn't him the next day. All told, I figure it was a ten point haul, if you combine everything. A classic performance.

Current 2010 Standings

1. Trigger 10 points
   
2. Crespo 8points
   
3. Charlie Child Catcher 7 points
   
4. Euro Bri 6 points
   
5. Gareeeeeee 4 points
6. Grande Queso 4 points
   
7. Mikey D 3 Points
8. John the Don 2 points
   
9. San 1 Point
10. Shotuy 1 point