This Ones for the Skidmeister

Our old chum skidley is not the most computer literate of the squad, and has been wanting to see the picture I put together when I did the "Split Head or Split Arse" post. He has been unable to fathom out how to bring this up using the archive section, so I have decided to re-run the original posting;

You may remember this chap . Yep, it's Skidley. No I am not sure what he's doing either. In fact I would hate to hazard a guess! Anyhow, after last weeks post more evidence has come to light concerning the issue of splithead or splitarse? I appreciate the previous photo's appeared to leave no doubt, but after a little more digging around I have unearthed what would seem to the final nail in the coffin of doubt.

Funkys Doppelganger

Checking through my e-mails today, I opened one from the Funky Messiah, which came with this attachment.

There was also some text, in which our misguided friend alluded to the fact he bore some kind of resemblance to Bill Murray. I suppose they are both striking a similar-ish pose, but Mr Murray is witty, has more hair, is popular, is well known outside of Wilsden, has never been spotted wearing a football kit and enjoys the company of women. This got me thinking, "Who is Funkys Doppelganger?" Someone flamboyant, plays the piano, dresses extravagantly, wears soccer kits and most importantly takes it up the arse. Then it came to me;

Shiver Me Timbers......

Write it down fellas, the good ship "Bender Squad" sets sail at 11:30 on the 21st of July, to celebrate Dangerous Petes and King Daves birthday. The price comes in at £16.50 each, including buffet, and lasts till 14:30 hours. We are cruising up to Gargrave, and then back into Skipton to continue the celebrating. The boat holds between 40 and 50 souls (not the previously reported 5000), so there will be room for all. All those interested please inform me via the usual channels, and don't forget the rum. Yo Ho Ho!!

D'OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To all you McSpotters out there, I wholeheartedly apologise for the posting a McEuro of stupefying ease. In my haste to post a McBrainteaser, I overlooked the hotel next door with "Damrak" emblazoned across it. What an ejit! I was far to busy looking for secret clues, that I could not see the blindingly obvious. I can only assure regular subscribers that next week will be a worthy McChallenge. As for my arch McNemisis, McUndercover Brother, I categorically deny this is my alter ego. As well as not being Prince Charles, my recent visitors by town indicates that he is posting from somewhere in Huddersfield. I fear it could be that well known sheep botherer Peter Jackson.

McOdyssey Back at a Quid

For the second week running, McOdyssey "Where's McEuro???", was correctly picked, this time by the Mercenary. If you are in the pub tomorrow £4 will be waiting. It was correctly guessed that I was Nice in Nice, on the southern coast of France. Well my little McSpotters, it appears we are getting a little large for our boots, so this week is a sterner challenge. There is no address above the door, and the name of the mystery location can not be seen in reverse, or reflected off the windows. So if we are all McReady;



"WHERE'S McEURO????????"

Town vs City

Crespo is arranging an outing to watch the Terriers play the Bantams. Shouty and Funky are up for it, and I am considering it myself. City's season is fast disappearing down the toilet, and there is a strong possibility we could be watching division two football next season. Our best players have moved on, either permanently or on loan, and most of the loan players we have are due to return to their own clubs immanently. In fact I might take my boots, you never know. Alas, the terriers look safe, and it would be typical of us to get relegated at the same time as those cock suckers Leeds United. Lets hope the revival starts here. We are also taking in the Scunthorpe game on the 31st of March, which City will somehow contrive to defeat the league leaders, and then lose the week after to the bottom of the table. Don't forget the Town game is a noon kick off.

Anybody Have a Hangover Cure?????

No, not drinking is not an option. Went down the George on Friday with the usual suspects, and had a bit of a session. Two Scoops even showed up for a few beers. Everything was hunky dory, till this morning. I have been levelled by a hangover from hell till now. It wasn't the worse I ever had, but fuck me it wasn't good. What I want to know, is there any helpful tips out there? I don't expect a miracle cure, but any any hints as to ways of decreasing their likelihood/severity would more than welcome. And whats with getting a boner when your hungover? It is really annoying.

The McMercenary McFinally McWins

Four shiny pound coins are The Mercenary's reward for his dogged refusal to give up on his quest to win McOdyssey. He was on the mark this week by guessing correctly that I was enjoying my freedom fries on the Cote D'Azur in Nice. He was all over the McLocation from the off, and when his first stab was France, I feared the game was well and truly up. All McHail the McMercenary!!!! Nice one.

Turd Burglars Triumph by Two

Yet again the wayward finishing in front of goals put paid to the heroic Elite, as the JMF held on for grim death to prevail by two goals. Yet again we gave the shirt lifters a massive head start, conceding seven for no reply in the first quarter of an hour, despite raining shots on the nefarious JMF goals. The finger cannot this week be pointed at Shotgun, as I have step forward and accept my own woeful shooting display. Two Scoops was also out of sorts, King Dave reckons he'd been smoking the green. Luklear's rehabilitation also seems complete, and I am beginning to wonder if he is more comfortable batting for the other side. I have my suspicions that the Jet also prefers the limp wristed company of the MoFo, as he was shit last week when he played foe us, and the mercenary proved to be unbeatable between the sticks. Bunch of wankers.

2007 Season

• JMF wins - 6
• Euro Elite - 2
• Draws - 0

National Bender Day

I was thinking about the charter, and got to wondering, "Why have FA cup final day as National Bender Day, when we can create a different date, and have an excuse for another bender!" It makes perfect sense to me, we should allocate one day in the year to go out and get absolutely shit faced. I think naming a date is the best idea, as this would mean National Bender Day falling on eccentric drinking days such as Tuesday. I know this means using up some of your holiday allocation from work, but is there any greater pleasure than being drunk when everybody else has their nose to the grindstone? Well I can think of one or two, but not many!!! This is also the perfect cover for those kept on a short leash by the nefarious M.R.S, who can claim to be attending a course, or having to work away. Of course the more conservative among you may wish to hold National Bender Day, on say, the first Saturday of June. This has the benefit of not having to use any holiday quota, and of being a busier night to go out on, but to me it doesn't seem as illicit as my previous suggestion, and not as easy to slip by the trouble and strife. Anyway, in the interest of fairness I have come up with several dates that I will put to the vote. Please register choice at http://www.webpollcentral.com/v2/poll.php?polls=MzMwMDU=&user=euro_bri

Its That McTime of the McWeek

Hello and welcome to this weeks edition of "Wheres McEuro?" Last weeks McOdyssey was solved by an anonymous subscriber, who correctly guessed that I was in Weymouth in Dorset. Anybody who carefully scrutinised the photograph would have noticed the address proudly displayed above the door. Whoever and wherever you may be anonymous we McSalute you. Of course this means we are yet again in rollover country, the prize now standing at a princely £4, enough to buy yourself a Big Mac value meal, but not quite enough to super size it. So McOdyssey fans it is once again its time to ask;



"WWWHHHEEERRREESSSS MMMMcEEEUURO?"

German Beer Goggles Rule

Leave the Stella for the Keighleyites!!!!!!

Ho Hum...it's almost Comic Relief time...

Is there anything more pointless than comic relief?? A bunch of unfunny has beens badgering us to give up our hard earned, while they hope to resurrect their flagging careers is not my idea of fun. I would also take their holier than thou stance on world poverty more seriously, if most of them didn't prostitute themselves in commercials for evil corporate behemoths such as Sainsburys and Tescos. Yes that means you Lenny bloody Henry and that twat Jamie Oliver. You really want to alleviate third world poverty? Then why don't you speak up against the company's who pay slave wages in the developing world. Oh I forgot, you are too busy topping up your own bank accounts advertising for these corporations. Don't get me wrong, I feel for all the suffering in Africa, but until the international community takes on the tin pot dictators and blood thirsty war lords, my money is staying in my pocket. So you can take your unfunny celebrity love fest, and that buffoon Billy Connolly prancing around somewhere in the buff, and stick it up your keister!

First Bender Law Set in Stone

He may well have redeemed himself with the beer tent booking, but down the Villager in hillbilly heaven (Wilsden), last night, the first Bender rule was agreed and passed as law.

1. John the Don shall not be placed in charge of any vehicles on our excursions, and is forbidden from going anywhere near petrol pumps FOREVER.
   

So You Think ID Cards are a Good Idea

At the beginning of April this will be the new procedure for anybody requesting their first adult passport. This is a test run, and if successful will become standard practise for anybody wanting a new passport;

This is real - and it could affect you, your friends or family members.Before you think this as a hoax chain mail, it's not. I checked with the Passport Office after hearing it on the radio.If you are 16 or over and haven't yet got a ten-year adult passport, then you should apply for one BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF APRIL 2007. And if you have a friend or family member in this position then let them know, quick!This is why:On March 26th this year, the Identity and Passport Service (did you even know they'd changed the name?) opens some new offices as part of the build up to the ID card scheme that the government wants to introduce. By the end of the year there will be 69 of these interrogation centres, and people applying for their first adult passport from April 2007 will the guinea-pigs for a process the government is calling "Authentication by Interview".There's NOTHING in it for you - though the government is currently spending lots of taxpayers money trying to tell young people there is. All the information collected will be kept on file for ever. It will certainly end up more expensive than the £66 passports currently cost, too, since you'll have to pay for officials to gather a dossier on you and the perform an "intrusive interview" as part of the price - as well as losing a day of your life to visit an interrogation centre.If you want to know more about how things will work once the system is in place, please scroll down. If you care about your freedoms, and not having government officials poking around in your private life - or your friends' and family's - then please apply for your first adult passport BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF APRIL 2007, and pass this message on.You could save yourself or someone close to you a lot of trouble.--How ID interrogations will work: When you apply for a passport you will be asked to give lots of information about yourself: official numbers, addresses for the last few years, your educational institutions, that sort of thing. And you'll sign to declare that it's the truth.That information will be used to look up everything that can be found out about you on all the government and private sector databases they can lay their hands on: school records, social services, police, credit checking, perhaps family details... to build a single dossier on you containing personal information. "Data-rape", some people call it.First a few people, then every new applicant, will be called in to their nearest interrogation centre. There you will be fingerprinted and photographed (once they have installed the equipment), and put through an "intrusive interview" - the government's own words - to check that you can give answers about private details of your life that agree with the official ones. If you can, you'll get your passport. If not... it is not clear, but trying to get a passport under 'false pretenses' - if the computer says "no" - could be quite serious. If nothing else, it will mean delay and more intrusion.In fact, the government has already estimated that 1 in 4 people who apply under this new procedure will have to cancel their trip because they don't get their passport in time.The government's plan is that all passports will be issued like this eventually. But you can take simple action now to keep off the database for ten years. And ALL opposition parties have now promised to abolish the ID scheme - so if you escape for 10 years, you may escape for ever.If you haven't got one already, get yourself a full ten-year passport now. As long as you apply before many interrogation centres are open, and the system is fully operational, your chances of avoiding data-rape are good. And by doing so you help to stop the same thing happening to everyone else by telling Tony Blair and his bullying government to "Take a hike".For more information on the progress of passport procedures, check out http://www.renewforfreedom.org/ - the Identity and Passport Service website currently tells you very little.Get a passport NOW. And tell your friends, if you think their private lives should be their own.END

Still think they are a good idea?????

John the Don.....Legend

The Legendary Don has pulled it off again. He has used his European business network to get us reservations at one of the Oktoberfest beer tents. These are not just any reservations, he can get us a box at a tent of our choice!!! This will come with a dedicated server, and all food should be complimentary, although this has yet to be confirmed. This will need to be paid for in advance- Johns contact is not a charity-but this would be perfect for our excursion, as it will be difficult to arrange for all of us to be in the same tent. Go on the Don!!!

Checkout the official website at http://www.oktoberfest.de/en/index.php

Lefty Lifts JMF to Victory

An inspired JMF ground an out of sorts Elite in to the dust, coasting to an impressive eight goal victory. After many attempts it was Leftys first taste of victory, and he played an integral part in his teams triumph, with an exceptional goalkeeping display and a brace of goals to boot. This is not to underestimate his teams performance in any way, Dead Eye proving his two week sabbatical had not dulled his shooting ability, and Two Scoops, Lukelear and The Mercenary chipped in with numerous goals as the Elite fell to pieces, conceding nine goals to nil in the opening 10 minutes. Young Gaz was the Euros standout, but was wasteful in front of goal, and Shotgun Alf put in a valiant effort, although struggling with a flu virus. The less said about myself, JohnnyWest and the Jets performance the better. After playing well over the previous few weeks, it is a backward step for the righteous Elite, who were hoping the re-introduction of Youg Gaz to the ranks would see us push on in our crusade to smite the female dodging JMF, but we are confident this will only prove to be a blip.

2007 Season

• JMF wins - 5
• Euro Elite - 2
• Draws - 0

Funkys Favourtite Footie Kit Goes to...........

EGYPT

There is a guy called funky,

He loves his City kit,

Around the globe he wears it,

He thinks he looks so fit,

But little does he know,

According to Sandro,

He just appears a git.

Major Shakeup down the Wood

A high injury toll means wholesale changes down the Wood tomorrow evening. Long term casualty Lobon, is joined on the treatment table by Shouty, Jamon, King Dave and Funky, although Dead Eye makes a return. The teams line up as;

Euro Elite;

1. European Bri
2. The Jet
3. Shotgun Alf
4. JohnnyWest
5. Youg Gaz

The evil shirt lifters of the JMF line up;

1. Dead Eye
2. Lukelear War
3. The Mercenary
4. Two Scoops Hamilton
5. Lefty

McOyddesy Climbs to £3

It's Tuesday night, and that can only mean one thing........... McOdyssey night. You were all stumped by last weeks poseur. Although it was apparent it was in an airport, no one spotted it as Chicago's O'Hare International, apparently the busiest airport in the world. of course this means the prize fund this week climbs up to three quid. So put your thinking caps on, and try to figure out........"WWWWWHEERES MMMMcEEEEEEURO!"

All the Snow is Gone

We didn't quite get snowed in at the George the other night, but there was enough for a good ole' drunken snowball fight, McCurrys head making a brilliant target. With snow also comes ice, the Boy Dazzler finding out the hard way, coming a cropper outside a packed Pizza joint, but manfully kept a death grip on his pie. Unfortunately it has all melted, and contrary to some news reports, civilization did not crumble as expected. The next bender session round Wibsey is pencilled in for the 3rd of March, the Elster and Chez are finally leaving Telewest/Ntl/Virgin Media after 12 and a half years, so get a baby sitter and bring the missus. We are meeting from around 17:30/18:00 in the George. Hope to see you there.

IAM Je Danse le Mia

Cool Old School French Shit

Hello

I am drunk.

Down the George

The snow has started to fall, so I'am meeting up with the Boy, G Spot, the Jet, JohnnyWest, Shotgun Alf, Mr Singh and PaddyWhack down the George, hopeful of being snowed in for the weekend. Going to be drinking a shed load of Guinness, so don't be expecting any posts tomorrow.

Binge drinking rules!!!!!!

No2ID

My opinions on this rabble of shysters known as New Labour are well known, in particular their desire to infiltrate every aspect our lives, in the name of security. Id cards are the most evil act of law this government are hoping to introduce, summed up perfectly by this quote posted on the website http://www.no2id.net/.

"What is so pernicious about this law is that its effect will be to place each of us under house arrest and then sell us a conditional licence to be at large." Stephen Nelson, Cumbria

If you wish to continue living in YOUR country, without a license, please sign the petition at http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/IDcards/ before it closes on the 15th of February.

Golden Rules Lamented as Charter Gains Support

After the the game down the Wood last night, it was agreed that a "Declaration of Benderpendence" was indeed a worthy pursuit. The much lamented "Golden Rules" of bygone years, were agreed to be in need of updating. It has also been agreed that charter rule ten, concerning the inappropriate wearing of replica football kits, shall be stricken from the records, as watching the Funky Messiah dressed as the worlds oldest 12 year old is just too funny. I am on the razz tomorrow, and will no doubt come up with some more valuable additions once the beer buzz kicks in. Once again I request your input, please post any ideas, as stupid as they might seem, when possible.

Euro Triumph by Three

The Elite overcame injury and "Shotgun" Alfies profligate shooting, to down the JMF by three goals last night. A toe injury to Shouty was overcome, although the brown hole moles of the JMF trimmed a six goal deficit to three at the final bell. The teams had a makeshift look as two scoops, the mercenary and lefty replaced Funky, Dead Eye and King Dave. The Jet filled in on the Elite for the restored Young Gaz. After a long weekend cruising rent boys, Jamon has injured his back, and will be replaced by lefty. The mercenary remains on standby for the Funky Messiah. The Jet was the stand out player of the evening, ensuring victory was not squandered at the death.

2007 Season

• JMF wins - 4
• Euro Elite - 2
• Draws - 0

Charter Proposal Number 10

I have been thinking a lot about etiquette proposal number10 "The wearing of replica football kits outside of five a side is forbidden". I would like to strike this from our as yet finalized charter, as I would hate to prevent the Funky Messiah going night clubbing in his best clobber.

McOdyssey Jackpot £2

Normal service has been resumed after Crespos correct guess, as no one spotted that I was in.............My hometown of Tiffin, Ohio, USA. Yes they actually have a MaccyD. That means this weeks prize fund has increased to £2, for anyone who can correctly guess...."Where's McEuro?"

Bender Etiquette

I was driving to work today, day dreaming about nothing in particular, when I remembered back in the day, we used to have the "Golden Rules", that were laid down as a means to ensure the smooth running of our hedonistic existence. After brother Jamon proceeded to break most of these rules in a two month period, they were lost to the mists of time. But it did get me thinking, "What about a Bender charter?", something that could be constitutionally put together to make sure this fine tradition of goofing off and binge drinking, is to be upheld, and passed on to future generations of "Benders".

So to get the ball rolling, I have come up with a few ideas of my own, but would like to hear from all of you out there, to democratically lay down a "Declaration of Benderpendance" that will guide the misguided and easily led for the duration of time.

Proposed rules;

1. Lager shall not be corrupted by the introduction of Lime, Lemonade, Blackcurrant, or any other liquid deemed to be either fruity or girly, except in the case of Snakebite, which will allow the use of Blackcurrant to make the infamous brew of Diesel


2. Anybody suffering from hiccups has to try every crackpot idea to terminate said hiccups until success is achieved. Or being sick.


3. Under no circumstances is the Funky Messiah, Tony Helmet, King of the Pixies, Mad Ad or Jamon allowed to assume leadership during any bender.


4. All disputes amongst fellow squad members shall be decided in favour of the one who silences the other for more than 10 seconds.


5. The JMF will always be considered evil. And gay.


6. Telling the same tales over and over is okay once the seven pint mark has been passed.


7. Shouty is to be disagreed with at all times.


8. Anybody responsible for setting Lobon off on his Thai tales shall be marked by a Purple Herbie.


9. Passports are under no circumstances to be hidden behind mirrors.


10. The wearing of full replica football kits when not playing five a side is forbidden.


11. Sandro should always be the first to enquire after anything when in a foreign country.


12. Le grand buffoon will always be determined by actions taken outside the borders of West Yorkshire.


13. Benderpendance Day shall be celebrated annually, on FA Cup final day

These are just some ideas to get us up and running. I do not expect them all to make the final draft, but remember, without your input, they are just the opinions of a bored geezer with a blog. Please submit any entries on the comment section, over the phone, in the pub or wherever. Till next time.

"Quod inter amicos accidit, inter amicos manet"

Munich Update

I have started booking the flights for the Oktoberfest, currently running at £210, but the evil M.R.S. have claimed three victims. So if anybody knows someone whose wife/girlfriend/partner/mum is of the liberal variety, and posses the means to pay, there are a couple of spots that need filling. I think I have sorted out the other one, Patty has indicated his interest in attending. The dates are the 28th of September till the 1st of October. please contact ASAP as it is first come first served.

Fight the Power

I have noticed a new petition has been submitted at http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/. This one is to call for scrapping of the inheritance tax, which to all intense purposes is a tax on dying. Please sign said petition at http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/ihtcrusade/. Make yourself heard. Don't forget to sign up to prevent the white elephant ideas of ID cards and Road Pricing at;

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/traveltax/

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/IDcards/

But What About the Benders?????

It may have occurred to the regular subscribers of this ongoing journal, that the last few weeks have seen a distinct lack of "Bendering" occurring. This couldn't be further from the truth. As we speak El Grande Queso is giving it large ones in our old haunt Amsterdam. Only this Friday, whilst The King of the Pixies, The Mercenary and Skidley were celebrating the arrival of a Prince, myself, Queso and Maffy were getting down and dirty in Old Bingley Town. Wankered for 9 o'clock, we proceeded to disco dance our way round the "hot" spots of said town, eventually arriving at Bingleys answer to the Ministry of Sound, Porkys!!!(Or whatever its called now). Unfortunately hear my tale ends. A light fitting fell upon my bonce. As i came to terms with this strange occurrence, I was roughly manhandled to the door, and accused of vandalism! In Porkys! for those of you unfamiliar with this ancient Pleasure Dome, the dance floor is more warped than the funky messiah, and held together with piss and vinegar. My protestations of innocence fell on deaf ears as I was rudely shown the door. I would normally at this point organise a boycott of this shed, but hey I reckon I am the only one stupid enough to go there in the first place.

Alas this left me too hungover for the planned bender the following evening round the backwaters of Wilsden. But Crespo, Funky and Shouty were more than willing to take up the slack. Unfortunately they also chose unwisely, ending up in the frontier town of Kieghley. Again, for those unfamiliar with the social mores of the aforementioned town, its poshest restaurant is probably a MaccyD's, and is one of the the only places in the world (with Wigan and Barnsley), that the people of Bradford can look down their noses at. As far as I can make out, the Messiah is still in the doghouse, Crespo is still traumatised, and Shouty ended up sleeping on his kitchen floor after pissing in his shoes.

The future is truly bright.

JMF Sausage Jockeys Triumph by Five

A revamped JMF, who some how ended up with Luklear War amongst their ranks, and a return after a long lay off of Two Scoops, beat an out of sorts elite by five down the Wood. The game was nip and tuck for long spells, The Jet leading the way for the Elite, but a surefit of woeful finishing from every member of the Euros, consighned them to defeat. The game was decided whithin a 10 minute purple patch from the JMF who came from behind, to open a seven goal gap. This in turn was reduced at one point to three goals, but the effort taken to drag ourselves back into the match, ran dry, as the MoFo eased home. Wankers.


2007 Season

• JMF wins - 4
• Euro Elite - 1
• Draws - 0