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Thursday, April 01, 2010

Top Ten....Bender Etiquette

Our first major Bender of the year is only hours away, and it is shaping up to be a good one, as a good turn out looks on the cards. It is also nice to see some old school members making a welcome return to the fold. But what makes a good piss up? This weeks "Top Ten" will lay out the top tips to ensure that your session with the lads is worthy retelling over and over, rather than whispered in embarrassment as you show up home to the wife at half past eight.

  1. Leave It! The most important thing on a jolly old knees up is that everybody gets along. We all get enough strife at home from her indoors and the offspring, so making sure there are no needless fall outs is imperative. Arguments are the only sure fire way of bringing the night to an early close, and there is one rule that should be obeyed above all others. Don't fuck with a guys beer. It is a most gay thing to do, no matter how innocuous you think it is. Ale is a thing of beauty, to be cherished and enjoyed. It us for life, not just for Christmas. Yes I am looking at you Child Catcher.
  2. Big it Up. One of my favourite adages is "Don't let the truth stand in the way of a good tale" and when on the lash all embellishments are heartily welcomed. Nothing provokes conversation better than a bold statement, or a tall tale. The fact that a minor tale, told in a correct manner, can become a Bender squad myth is a skill that should be cherished. This tip brings us nicely on to our next one....
  3. Don't be Shy. The noise level when a bunch of alpha males gather can be of ear splitting level, so to get one's self noticed, and there by invited out, on a regular basis, means that being a shy, retiring wall flower just isn't going to cut it. The fact that you have absolutely nothing to say is neither here nor there, witness the rise of both Helmet and Shouty amongst the ranks. If this is not your style, try being a spectacular drunkard, in the manner of a Jamon or Dazzler, or a monumentally deluded karaoke singer, such as myself. Remember the squad is like a pride of lions. When you serve no purpose you are discarded.
  4. Drink Up! Soft drinks just will not do. Nor will half of pints (unless you are in a country that doesn't serve pints). A bottle is acceptable, but that is about the limit. It doesn't matter that you can barely stand, or may be in dire need of a stomach pump, either take yourself off home, or pass out on the spot. You will be looked after. That is what our collective is all about.
  5. Lady Boy! Just one of the derogatory names that is allowed to be used against a fellow member. In fact any slur that calls one's sexuality into question is allowed, we are not after all, the Labour party. Mild teasing concerning ones clothing/appearance is also condoned, but remember, let's keep it civil. One thing never to be raised is any kind of slander against a fellow compadre's better half, unless it is instigated by them. Even then, proceed with caution, as it can be embarrassing once you have sobered up, to know you told your best mate that you would love to bum his life partner.
  6. I Love You! The fact that we all question each others commitment to the ways of the heterosexual, doesn't mean we are not in touch with our feminine side, and after a long day on the lash there is nowt wrong with telling one your drinking buddies that you love them. As long as you are drunk that is. Doing it when sober is a little bit circumspect. It is a peculiar trait of ours, that we spend all evening calling each other rent boys, and then once suitably inebriated, tell each that we "Love You!" Sigmund Freud would have had a field day.
  7. Catch Up. What you do if you fall be hind, or if there are differing ideas on what course of action to take. For example, if a few want to grab a pie, and the rest want to go to the next boozer ? Fine, we'll catch up. This ain't work, and there are no hard and fast rules about sticking together, no matter what. You can't please all the folk all of the time, and it is good that we can split up for a spell and rejoin, with out any major meetings to determine our next course of action.
  8. Rounds. A tricky one this, as if the outing attracts a large attendance, the cost of getting 'em in, can get quite pricey. In such an event it's is always advisable to split up into several small rounds. The best tip I can give, however, is to never get in a round that involves Shouty, as he consumes liquid like a drain. Trying to keep up to him only ever results in an early night, and numerous buffoon points.
  9. Promises. Not the one's you make too your beer drinking brethren, Nobody expects you to keep them. No, I mean the one's you make to the old trouble and strife to get yourself out in the first place. Because rest assured, when your laid out in your pit, suffering the mother of all hangovers, she will be riding your ass to get you to keep that hasty promise. tread carefully my friends.
  10. Fun. Remember the only reason we piss such a vast amount of money up the wall is because it is a hoot. May the bendering continue for decades too come. See you Friday.

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