The Week in Nonsense

Apologies for the lateness of this weeks nonsense report, I have been busier than usual. First up is a beauty. You really could not make this one up, in a million fucking years. Some group called Health England, a ministerial advisory board(???????) have proposed that cigarettes can only be sold to people carrying a smoking permit. Have we lifted our chin of the floor yet? Good I will continue. An annual fee of £10, plus the filling of a form, that needs to be signed off by a doctor, are required to gain the permit. But I say "Why stop there?" We could tattoo a woodbine all smokers foreheads, or if this proves to extreme a measure, they could be forced to wear cigarette badges on their clothing. I tell ya, what will these mother fuckers think up next? I have half a mind to take up the weed again myself. The worrying thing is, you just know some joker is thinking it might be a good idea to apply it to alcohol. If that were to ever happen, I am definitely off. Read the full article here. Next up on the "Your having a laugh" news is yet another pearler. As we are all well aware, the British are crap at foreign languages. Why learn Spanish, when shouting loud enough for long enough in anglais always seems to have the desired effect? Well this method doesn't fit nicely on some stat graph, so the government have hatched a cunning plan to make everyone bilingual. When it comes to GCSE time for all our delinquent knife carrying teenagers, they won't have to sit an oral exam to gain a pass in any foreign languages. This proposal has come from The Qualifications and Curriculum Authority (QCA) (??????), who claim it is too stressful for our skunked up student of today. Personally, on the evidence I witness on our streets on a daily basis, I reckon the little blighters are all too fucking thick. On the plus side, if and when this is introduced, I am going to sign up to do several languages, not bother showing up to class, and at exam time, I will stroll up to the examiner, and say in my best English accent "Yes, I can speak French/German/Urdu/Swahili perfectly" and leave proudly clutching my fistful of GCSE's. Innit. This weeks prize for stating the blindingly obvious goes to Hazel Blears, who said "Learning English must be a priority for migrants coming to the UK" No shit, Toots. But with all the benefit forms being in God knows how many different languages, where's the need? "Where is the social?" and "Give me, give me, give me, give me." appear to be the only phrases that are required to gain a house, car, mobile and free health care. Give me a break. Lastly this week, is the news that Labour are to nationalise Northern Rock. Now I am not a customer of this institution, but if these buffoons run a business anything like they are running the country, I would be lining up outside my local branch now to empty my account if I where.

STOP THE NONSENSE!!