On Yer Bike.......

With the 2006 season drawing to a close, and one more victory required by the Heroic Euro Elite to guarantee at worse a draw, brother Shouty decided on an eccentric tactic to improve his performance. He decided to cycle five miles through Bradford from work prior to playing five a side for an hour. Take a moment to digest that last sentence. After you have taken that on board ask your self this question...."What was his bike doing at work?" That's right, he rode his bike from home to work, a trip of around another five miles. This would not be an issue if the Shoutster was an eighteen year old racing snake, but unfortunately he is a pot bellied thirty year old. After 15 minutes, with the sphincter sniffers of the JMF six goals up, he was heard to complain "My legs feel like lead." What a buffoon! Combine this with the wayward shooting of "Whats it all about" and it will be no surprise to learn the JMF limped home with a four goal advantage. Shouty has been reprimanded and promised to use his loaf next week.

So on to next week, when victory would bring the JMF level with the Elite with two games to play. The JMF will pleased to hear Dead Eye has got his dates mixed up and will be available to play. Jules and the Magoo like Alfie will be filling in for King Dave and Young Gaz, while the Elite await a late fitness check on Lobon.

The Evil Empire move into the Jazz Mag Business...

Not content with the destruction of the traditional British High Street, the evil monolith that is Tescos are now set to decimate the newsagents top shelf. In their greedy pursuit of every last penny in the country, the evil empire has turned its focus on the girlie magazine trade. The days of Razzle, Mayfair, Asian Babes, Big 'un's, Readers Wives, Playboy, etc. may well be numbered. No more will there be a magazine to cater for all our weird and wonderful fetishes, as they all become homogenized into one cheap magazine that will try to please everyone. But worst of all, to squeeze as much money out of this new enterprise, quality is sure to to take a back seat. Something that becomes all to apparent when you witness the inaugural edition of this new publication...............

Shouty Rescue bid hits Snag...

Attempts to secure the release of brother shouty from the clutches of the evil M.R.S using diplomacy have failed. Kidnap ringleader SammyJ has stated if he wishes to go out on 16/12/06 he will be made to forgo the Oktoberfest trip next year. We have reiterated that we find these unreasonable demands impossible to condone. Therefore we have decided to go to plan B. As you have read over the last few weeks , the chopper is juiced and ready for action. Unfortunately the Bender Squad Chopper might not be up to the task in hand.......

Bantams v Lions FA Cup

Bradford City's quest to win the FA Cup (fat chance) for the first time since 1911 continues on Friday night, as the mighty bantams play host to the lions of Millwall. Big Al is back in town and I am meeting the boy Dazzler in Wibsey before heading down to the match, and out for a few bevvies afterwards. Anybody else who is up for it let me know. We plan on sitting int the top tier of the kop.

Munich beer tents

I have got info to book places at the Lowenbrau tent, and will be posting it off tomorrow. Please visit http://www.oktoberfest.de/en/03/content/loewenbraeu/ for pictures and the like. Unfortunately for you weissbier fans, myself included, there isn't an Erdinger tent. Apparently all the breweries need to be in Munich to be allowed a tent. C'est la vie. I am asking for reservations on the 28th September, the day we land, and would suggest one of the Paulaner tents for the following day. I will also keep tabs nearer the time to see if Bayern are at home, and will try and snag some tickets for anyone who is interested.

M.R.S. terror strike claims first victim

Last night the unnerving news broke that the Mean Repressive Spouses, in an unprovoked attack, have claimed their first victim of the holiday season. Brother Shouty has been kidnapped by a high ranking operative in the M.R.S., codenamed SammyJ. His whereabouts on the 16/12/06, our annual Xmas shindig date, are to be kept secret from his brothers in the bender squad, as he is forced to endure the unholy hardship of the wife's birthday!!!!!!!! A meeting has been hastily arranged to try and conceive a rescue mission, but information as to where this dastardly deed is to take place remain sparse. The chopper is juiced and ready to spring into action. Anybody who see's this character on the 16th of December please call 999, and quote S.O.S...(Save our Shouty). Please DO NOT approach. SammyJ is one of the meanest of the evil M.R.S. Her infamous laddered tights are made from an unknown material and are impossible to break free from once she has tangled you in their dastardly web. Let this be a warning to all fellow brothers of the squad to be at your most vigilant. Together we will prevail.


"Quod inter amicos accidit, inter amicos manet"

Jmf Spanked by Seven

After a three week hiatus, the return of JohnnyWest inspired the Elite to their best performance of the month, to shoot down the evil disco dancers of the JMF by seven. Shouty was back to his ankle biting best," Whats it all about " worked the channels well, JohnnyWest swept up at the back and European Bri lead the arse bandits a merry dance. There was also a huge improvement from "I am your Father", who appears to finally be coming to terms that he needn't keep his back to the wall at all times.

As the years end draws close, Jamon has come up with years results, as to who can lay claim to be King of the Wood;

Hello Mr. P.

Annual football results up to and including last night:

PURE JMF – 19 WINS
EVIL ELITE – 21 WINS - BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DRAWS – 3
GAMES WHERE I DIDN’T WRITE THE RESULT DOWN COS ON HOLIDAY (SO UNKNOWN) – 2

BY MY RECKONING THERE ARE FOUR GAMES LEFT BEFORE THE END OF THE SEASON (I.E. 2006) SO EVERYTHING TO PLAY FOR.

“COME ON YOU JMFFFFFFFFFF”

“ELITES GOING HOME IN A COTTINGLEY AMBULANCE”

The Wilsden Woo

I have unearthed this picture of the infamous "Wilsden Woo", a traditional dance performed by locals prior to the weekly "Fleece Chase", which determines which local sheep goes home for some good old Wilsden loving. As you can see, bells are tied to trousers to soothe the woolly fellas and a pigs bladder is blown up to remind the participants to use contraception to prevent the outbreak of baaaaids. This still hasn't soothed fears of villagers being diagnosed MS+ (Mint Sauce Positive). My advice.........................Give the place a wide berth on weekends.

Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?

Jesus Dancing

Found this clip of Bradfords holy man doing a jig on Youtube.....

Munich hotel bar

I have found this picture of the Hotel Montree on the net. My it does look cheesy! Can't wait to see if the geezer is still smiling after a close encounter with Helmet, Mad Ad and Funky. I just hope there ain't no piano...

Buckeyes Win....Hangovers Suck

The Buckeyes ran out 42-39 winners on Saturday night to advance to the championship game, in front of 105,708 people. The game sounds closer than it was, a couple of dodgy refereeing decisions helping the Wolverines keep in touch. Myself and Big Frank had a few in the Duke of York before settling down with the Viking to watch the big match. Although I did drink a fair bit of beer, I wasn't drunk by any stretch of the imagination. Yet the next day I was felled by a delayed hangover that kicked like a mule. My head fucking ached from 13:00 to about 23:00. Is it age or what? I personally point the finger at Fosters, Australian beer always did hang rough on the old noodle. Anyway the championship game is on the 8/01/07 and the Buckeyes will probably be facing either the University of Southern California or the fighting Irish of Notre Dame, although a replay with the Wolverines is a possibility.

Go Buckeyes

The biggest college football game in decades is on today, as the No. 1 ranked OSU Buckeyes take on the No. 2 rated Michigan Wolverines, the winner being guaranteed a berth in the championship game. Both teams go into today's match undefeated, and is the first time they will play as the top two contenders. The rivalry between these two teams is intense, it was recently voted the greatest grudge match in American sports, and extra poignancy will be added this evening after Bo Schembechler's death yesterday, the man considered to be Michigans greatest ever coach. Comparisons of the rivalry are Real Madrid v Barcelona, Celtic v Rangers and Euro Elite v JMF. Michigan start the game slight underdogs, but will be hoping the countrys meanest defence, featuring LaMarr Woodley, Alan Branch, Terrance Taylor and Rondell Biggs/Tim Jamison, upset the Buckeyes rhythm. Ohio State QB Troy Smith will be looking to find favoured wideouts Ted Ginn Jr. and Anthony Gonzalez to defeat the Wolverines.

The game will be played out at the Ohio Stadium, a.k.a the Horseshoe, in front of a sell out 101,568 fans. Tickets will be scarce as the Buckeyes have sold out every home game since 1975. I will be watching the game with big Frank, unfortunately it is only available on NASN, a subscription channel on satellite/cable. We will be hoping the Buckeyes stuff the JMF like Wolverines, GO BUCKEYES!!

Drunk Hobo Screaming In The Street

Bradford city centre wino doing his take on the Budweiser WHHHAAAAZZZZUUPPPP! adverts

I spy with my little eye....

I am sat at home on a day off. Bored. Elsters left washing up to do! BOOOOOOO! While I am thinking up excuses for not doing the dishes, a game to pass the time:



SPOT THE MESSIAH>>>>>



Now for one that's a little harder:



Where's Funky???????

Pitiful

The Jmf ran riot over an out of sorts Elite last night, prevailing by 10/11 goals(couldn't be assed counting at the end). Two Scoops pulled up lame, Alfie didn't show till half an hour had passed, shouty ran round in ever decreasing circles and I am your father Luke decided that "Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Lobon" and set up camp in the top right hand corner. To give a small insight to just how poor the Elite were, the evil soap dodgers of the testosterone impaired Jmf were eight goals up within 10 minutes. We were woeful.

Xmas bender round Skipton

Yes its nearly that time of the year already, and for 2006 we have chosen the tranquil setting of Skipton for our annual Christmas all dayer. The date is 16/12/06, which is a Saturday, and the chopper is ready to airlift any members who are struggling to escape from the clutches of the Mean Repressive Spouses. Put it in your diary and we'll see you on the sixteenth.

The country is going to Hell in a handbag

It has been reported today that six drug addicts have won an out of court settlement from the Government. It is not because they were used for illegal experiments. Its because they were made to go cold turkey when sent to jail for breaking the law. That's right, the poor little angels were deprived of smack when sent to prison. Apparently this breached the poor fella's human rights. Check the BBC report here; http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6142416.stm. Can someone explain to me how 6 convicted criminals get a cash "reward" for being denied something in jail that is against the law????? To top it all the six were used as a test case, and the true figure to be compensated is 198! A Prison Trust Reformer has stated this may pave the way for alternatives to prison for petty criminals who are addicts. What does she suggest? Perhaps a fortnight in the Maldives? What about Disney Land? Well I just happen to have a quite radical proposal to remedy the situation, and I reckon in the long run it will save thousands of pounds and keep everybody happy. Seeing as we are currently entrenched in Afghanistan, do a deal with the local Heroin dealers for the purest, hardcore shit that they can get. Hire a big hall, invite all the wastrels and no-hopers to fill their boots, and fast track them on to the next life in a manner to their liking. Don't feel sorry for them. Everybody knows what this garbage does to you, yet still they choose this "lifestyle". You cant help those that won't help themselves.

You can tell your a Wilsdener.......

You can tell you are a Wilsdener when.......

• you have been married three times and have the same in-laws
• you fart in public and blame your kids
• you've been to wedding reception at Little Chef
• you've lost your wife in a poker game
• your lawn mower is a sheep
• the biggest city you've ever been to is Keighley
• your naked on laundry day

Why do Wilsdeners go to family reunions?

To hit on chicks.

Whats the difference between a Wilsdener and a coconut?

Ones thick and hairy. The others a coconut..

Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?

You bet I'am...

Leading on from my previous post "Are you man enough?", I can report I have tackled the burger Behemoth that is the Double Whopper, and lived to tell the tale. I can also report that it tasted CHAMPION! I even ate it outside the Bradford Royal Infirmary, just in case I exploded in a fountain of barely chewed grease and gristle, as those pinko five a day do gooders would have you believe. The fact I am writing this correspondence indicates I survived this tasty ordeal unscathed. For those out there who have yet to sample this culinary delight let me whet your appetite. We'll start with the two quarter pound flame grilled beef patties, covered with two slices of cheese. Next is a crisp bed of lettuce garnished with pickle, not that limp wristed gherkin shit served at McD's, smothered in mayonnaise and ketchup, and topped with tomato and onion. Stuff this between a sesame seeded bun, and bingo, boiger heaven! The fries were firm and crisp and the Coke cold, Burger King I salute you!!!!

So stick to your celery and chick peas, you Guardian reading, interfeering busy body communists, because when it comes to this beast, you will never be "Man Enough!"

Check this out..

Me and G spot were in the boozer on Friday talking shite, when the subject of the "Mad Monk of Bradford" came up. We wondered how old he was, his name, where he got to and shite. Well G-spot went home and googled mad monk bradford and he found this blog dedicated to him at http://bradfordmonk.blogspot.com/. Check it out.

Oktoberfest Ahoy!

Numbers have been confirmed, and next year the bender squad will finally achieve its most precious pilgrimage by visiting the Munich Oktoberfest for Euros 40th birthday. The hotel is booked, anyone wishing to view where we will be sleeping off our excesses click here; http://www.hotel-montree.de/

There is still time to book more places, but I will only be able to get singles or doubles. Also, anyone who needs to drop out, please notify me as soon as possible, so I can cancel rooms or find replacements. Danke Schoen.

Titanic struggle results in stalemate

The weekly face off down the wood finished in stalemate last night, The match was played in a surprisingly good natured manner, funkys tantrums not withstanding, and the draw was on reflection probably a fair result. The only worry for the elite is a back injury sustained by Lobon. Next weeks line ups are not yet confirmed, as holidays and work shifts have yet to be confirmed. Standout performance was from Shouty, who yet again gave every last drop in the good cause, and chimed in with a plethora of well executed goals. He even rose above the extreme provocation from Funkys dastardly attempts to inflict injury.

You Decide.....

After a long day out earning a crust, I came home to check on my e-mails and noticed I had received a post from evil Tescoholic Jamon. After the recent fall out over the picture of my erstwhile mate in a compromising position with members of the same sex, admittedly doctored by myself, which I removed and apologised for, I mistakenly believed the hatchet had been buried. More fool me! In this electronic mail I discovered my soon to be mortal nemesis had spent another afternoon of his company's time compiling pictures of various inbreds, and purporting them to be members of my family and friends in Tiffin, Ohio, USA. I would perhaps have been more amused, had this blatant lie not been perpetrated by someone who did not hail from the European capital of keeping it in the family, Wilsden, a small Roysten Vasey-esc, village on the out skirts of Bradford, England. The only people not partaking in incest in this weird little borough, are out on the Moors wearing Wellies and tailing sheep. So to settle this argument once and for all I am running another poll to determine the which to is the biggest backwater. And before that big puff Jamon starts bleating about no longer residing there, I quote, "You can take the boy out of Wilsden, but you can't take the Wilsden out of the boy."
WILSDEN

TIFFIN


Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?

Must be a Huddersfield Town fan

There are few things thicker than a Huddersfield Town fan. One of them is a female Huddersfield Town fan.

At least I think it's a woman.....

Are you man enough?

The yogurt munching health fascists have got their knickers in a twist over the new 923 calorie Double Whopper from Burger King, see http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?view=DETAILS&grid=&xml=/health/2006/11/06/nburger06.xml It seems the company's "Are you man enough?" advertising campaign is going to cause all us weak minded impressionable fellas to go out and gorge ourselves to death on these over sized Goliaths. Well let me tell you something you poncy tofu munching do gooding liberal wankers, the only reason I am going to have a try of this artery clogging beast is because of your po faced protests. Who the fuck do these people think they are? If I want to stuff a half pound of dead animal carcass down my throat what business is it of theirs? None. Now they have made social pariahs of smokers, it appears tasty food is next on the agenda. Or is it?

Even more worryingly alcohol appears to be under threat from "those who know best." Well let me put something straight right here and now. Binge drinking is great. I love to drink as much beer as possible on an empty stomach, until in fact I can't pour anymore down my gullet. Then I like to move on to whiskey, single malt of course, until I wobble of home to pass out on the living room floor. This is pretty much par for the course when the lads and lasses get together. It has been for over 20 years now, and there hasn't been one casualty. But now health ministers want to tax it out of existence. How surprising, we're taxed out our arse's on everything else. I don't see what the problem is, maybe if they partook they wouldn't have to pay rent boys for sex or interbreed. Even young Ewan Blair likes to get wankered now and again, and who can blame him with parents like that. Lets not forget Prince Harry, god bless him, pissed up with a cigarette in a Nazi uniform. That's what I call a role model. If they really wanted to cut down on anti social behaviour what they need to do is round up all the benefit claiming, free loading, track suit wearing scum they seem so fond of saving, and send them to Iraq. I'll tell you, support for the war would go through the roof!

So to all you blue sky thinking, diversity loving piss flaps, FUCK OFF!

Short, Fat, Pissed and Proud!

Wall-Mart invades South Park

Guess which one is like Jamon.

Back to the Kitchen

Brother Lobon has risen to the challenge in the annual football fantasy league and banished Sammy J back to the kitchen! Hurrah!!!!!

How many people does it take to change a kitchen light bulb?????

None. Let the bitch cook in the dark!

May the force be with you

After last Wednesdays fiasco, a change of personnel has been agreed. I am your father Luke, bolstered by his last place finish in the JMF gaylord poll, has requested to play for the female loving Elite. Unfortunately, and rather bravely, Young Gaz has agreed to join the fruity scoundrels of the JMF. This is by no means a permanent change, but with JohnnyWest away in the Maldives, and Dead Eye nursing an injured foot, it may be wise in the interest of keeping the game competitive.

Rampant JMF bugger Elite by 16

A bag of shite Elite lost by 16.