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Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Substitue Stupidity

I am returned in one piece from the Lake District, whence I undertook some Bendering with me old muckers Queso, Gster and Malky. I trundled up to the Villager to meet up with them, and catch the early part of the footie, when i got too wondering "Why have they got in touch with me, out of the blue?" I haven't seen the Gster for nearly a year, and I hadn't clapped eyes on Mal for a good two and a half. Then the penny dropped. The scoundrels are down a man, and need a fella to keep the room price down! Of course when I brought this little matter up, I was met with a furtive glance from each, and then informed, after a pregnant pause, that I was being daft, and I was down to go from the off. I remained sceptical, but the sun was out, I had money in my pocket, and a thirst for beer, so I let the matter drop......

Until we checked into our hotel, which was booked in the names of Kent, Dodsworth, Chambers and Stoney! I was a substitute! Still I don't blame them, as I rarely say no to a piss up anyway. The evening was very pleasant. I was a little unused to be out with a gang of golfers, but they were all good company, and it was grand to be among the youngest again. Until we went to the local night club, at which point I felt like a hundred year old geezer again. Malky was great value, the boy owned that dance floor and the evening passed without buffoonery till we left the joint. Queso wanted to give me points for jumping butt naked into Lake Windermere, even though it was his idea in the first place, and he was all for it, before his vagina over ruled his head. But he didn't stay idiot free for long, as he earned himself a seven point haul. He thinks it was harsh, but just read what he got up to and make up your own mind.

As you may, or may not know, Bowness is not that big, so we decided to walk back to our hotel, which was a good 800 metres or so from the club we had just left. After about 10 paces, our resident grand fromage, took a turn up the hill. "It's this way!" he announced. The three of us pointed out to him that we were no where near our turn, too which we were issued a volley of insults, calling into question our mental capabilities, sexual orientation and physical attributes. "Tell you what it is," he opined finally "you can all suck my dick when I am back in my room, with my feet up after you have been wandering the streets for two hours!" as he trudged off up a sparsely populated hill. Malky thought we should go after him, but me and Gster agreed that it was the only way he would learn. Before I continue this tale of Tom foolery, I best mention that our digs were literally ten metres off the main drag, so that if you didn't pass it almost immediately it would indicate that one was going the wrong way. Not our kinky haired hero. He tromped up a hill to the very top, before he finally accepted the error of his ways. Alas, he then looked down the hill he would have to now descend, didn't fancy it, and decided that another road, that he had never been along before, was an obvious short cut, and proceeded to get himself even more lost. He confesses at point, having to lay down for a rest, and of vainly calling out our names, in hope of rescue. After this only he shall ever know what, or even where he got to, but suffice to say, he finally pitched up at our accommodation nearly two and a half hours after we had arrived. But that is still not the end of it. He burst into our rooms, and started in on one how it was all our fault, we never should have left, and that he was advertising for new friends, and finally that we were not to bother entering an application. It was a valiant effort to mask his own idiocy, but only succeeded in earning himself extra points.

I joined in on the stupidity the next morning, earning three points for a serious case of foot in mouth. But before I action these points onto the 2010 standings, there is another big scoring effort, registered the Saturday before on Crespo's head wetting shindig. Step forward Shouty, for another seven point haul. After a night on the lash in Shipley, and after that Bingley, it came time for the lad to get himself a pizza and a cab home. But for some reason known only to himself, he decided to get out of his cab a mile away from home, and take a short cut through the woods. It was in these woods that he took a wrong turn, stumbled, and landed head first in a thicket of stinging nettles. This left him stung from top to bottom, in a forest, gently sobbing as he ate what was left of his pizza pie. Watch this one, he can never truly be ruled out of contention...

PS. Nearly forgot this one. I have been reliably informed that Big JohnnyM has entered the fray, after getting lost in his hotel in Ibiza, dressed in only his boxer shorts and vest. Combine this with his attempt to piss in his closet, and you get six points.

Updated Buffoon Standings

  1. Trigger 50 points
  2. Child Catcher 28 points
  3. Euro Bri 26 points
  4. El Grande Queso 21 points
  5. Crespo 13 points
  6. Shouty 10 points
  7. Big JohnnyM 6 points
  8. Gareeeeeee 4 points
  9. Tony Helmet 4 points
  10. Sprocket 3 points
  11. Dr Shotgun 3 points
  12. Mikey D 3 Points
  13. John the Don 3 points
  14. Dessi 2 points
  15. San 1 Point
  16. Major 1 point

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