Stuffed

Sorry about the lateness, and brevity of the match report below, but didn't get in till late on Wednesday, and spent today in the Lake District, and the stopped off at The Borough in Lancaster for some grub. I know there isn't much call for most of the subscribers to my blog to call in at the Capitol of the red rose county, but if you do, I cannot recommend this place highly enough. A great selection of real ales, Continental lagers and fine spirits is complemented by some excellent grub in the restaurant in the back of the building. Service is great, and the price is reasonable to boot. The only drawback? If you don't get there early doors, the place is likely to be booked up. A finer Inn I can't imagine. I am still stuffed even now, and am off to drag my fat arse up to bed.

Misfire

As you have read over the last few weeks, the Righteous machine has been purring along in top gear, vanquishing the evil cock munchers of the JMF with increasing alacrity. Till last night. We didn't play that bad, in fact we played well, but the MoFo must have laid off the rent boys over the preceding week, as they were up for it from the off. Combine this with our strangely off kilter attacking, and we ended up on the receiving end of a caning, losing by six. At this juncture I would usually bemoan the fact of much cheating, injuries or chronic bad luck, but credit where it's due, the girls in red were well worth their win. Our final pass was ever so slightly off kilter, and we coughed up the ball in bad positions, and were made to pay the price. At the other end of the court a combination of surprisingly competent stopping, and to be honest profligate shooting, saw our late surge sputter, and ultimately fail. C'est la vie.

JMF- Dr Shotgun, Salty Scott, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 14


Draws - 0

Bendership Time

Hard to believe, but in just 4 weeks the Premeir league kicks of, which means it's once again time for the Bendership dream team. I have all ready set up the mini league, and have notified the usual suspects of the PIN and password via facebook, but if I missed you out, or you have not sold your soul and personal details to FB, let me know and I shall get the necessary details to you, by hook or by crook. This year sees Machine attempt the hat trick, after a late surge saw him pip myself by a paltry seven points. We need ten teams to enter the national league, so feel free to invite any of your homies. Good luck....

Breaking the Famine

The beer famine that is, as I have now been pint free for over two weeks (not counting the couple on Wednesdays after football) and am off with the slightly broken Crespo, and possibly Big JohnnyM to hook up with the Wakefield chapter of the Bender Squad, namely Sprocket, for a few sherberts. Hopefully the sun will stay out (fat chance) and allow us to quaff our flagons of ale Al Fresco. It will be nice, as apart from Crespo's head wetting session, Benders have been thin on the ground. Economic Downturns tend to have this effect. So I will hopefully have a bit of a thick head this time tomorrow, as I head down to the greasy spoon, and perhaps there may be a bit of buffoonery to report, although the form idiot of the moment has gone to the V Festival in Leeds.

Flamers go Down in Flames

They say cream always rises to the top, and it has, albeit after a protracted time of over six months. Gone are the days when the Mighty Elite would fumble around for the first half hour, and find a mountain to climb, as yet again a scintillating opening period saw the Righteous more or less put the game beyond doubt. Seven up and cruising, the resurgent Two Scoops was again a constant thorn in the MoFo side, as he chased and harried them into numerous mistakes, that were glee fully snapped up. Of course the older legs of the Righteous Euro Boys had there weekly swoon at the three quarter point, but we had enough money in the bank to make sure Gaylords final efforts were to no avail. So we find ourselves on top of the world, looking down on creation for the first time since God knows when, and on current form things are looking rosy, although we need to guard against complacency.

JMF- King Dave, Big Phil, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 13

Euro Elite - 14


Draws - 0

Calamity Crespo

You have to hand it to these youngsters, I suppose, for still giving it all on the old five a side court. Instead of a wizened old veteran such as myself, who will all ways leave a potential hospital ball well alone, it is amazing to see the young bucks throw caution to the wind, playing as if there may be some scout from Manchester United on the look out for a player who has slipped through the net. Of course such a being does not exist, and with only seconds reaming of our weekly Thursday game at Frame One, Crespo was chasing a lost cause, when Chopper Younis upended our doe eyed hero, and dislocated his shoulder. I will give Kev his due, I fully expected tears, but he managed to contain himself to a pitiful whimper instead. We had a brief discussion of how to pop it back in. The guys who owned the place reckoned you had to lift your up high, and it would slip back in of it's own accord. Myself and Clogs thought that Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 2 way was the best option, and where ready to bash him up against a wall, but were sadly talked out of it. So I carted him off to hospital. The whimpering increased, especially when we went over speed bumps, and he kept threatening to pass out, but on arrival, and after a healthy dose of gas and air to calm him down, he perked up no end. In fact he seemed quite chipper when I left him to get his X-ray, and have the bad boy popped back in. An hour later was a different kettle of fish though, as the Temazipan had kicked in, and the nursing staff were now withholding his gas privileges.

It was at this point I relinquished my care of duty to his Trouble and Strife, which was just as well, because I was starving hungry, and my sweaty football kit had dried out, and I hummed. Here's to a speedy recovery.

Tardy

Crikey, this has taken some posting. First up was the unexpected injury to Crespo, on Thursday, which meant I didn't leave the B.R.I. (Bradford Royal Infirmary to those not from round these parts) till after 10 p.m. Then on Friday the Elster was feeling frisky, and who am I to refuse the might of the Brister lovin'? Saturday was a combination of the night before and middle age, which meant I fell asleep at 8:30 and didn't rise till the next morning, and Sunday is Sunday, so nowt happening there. Monday? I was just bone idle, and couldn't be arsed. Much as now, but I konw a couple of the injured and those unable to show, want to know the Wood score from last Wednesday. We spanked 'em good and proper. Two Scoops was on fire, and even a returning Dead Eye, and more surprisingly Dr Shotgun, couldn't halt him. All square once more. I shall endeavour to be more punctual whit this weeks report.


JMF- Dr Shotgun, Big Phil, Dead Eye, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 13

Euro Elite - 13


Draws - 0

Ode to Der Wristband

I wandered lonely as a Lowen
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the TSV,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
1860 saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.


Apologies to poetry fans for defacing Wordworths famous ode to the Lake District. This picture is of Der Wristband overlooking the vista of Lake Windermere.

Holland or Spain?

Pancakes or Paella? Shmoke or Sangria? The Ketchup Song or No Limits? I'll be honest here and say I don't really care, but it would be nice to see all the so called "experts" who get all hard in their pants over the Spanish style of footie, end up with Edam on their faces (although, to a man they have got just about everything wrong at this tournament). Still, it is hard to get excited about the Oranje, as their side is not the most exciting side to ever grace a football field. Let's hope for a good game, but my suspicion is 1-0 to the bull killers. Anyway, Lee Dixon is just starting to drone on, and Alan Shearer has just stated the first of several blindingly obvious statements. The big surprise of tonight's game is if the Geordie Legend actually says something remotely original (could be worse, could be stuck with Adrian Chiles).

WTF?

Sorry for the delay in posting this weeks Wood result, but it has taken me this long to fathom out just how the Dickens we managed to lose. With twenty minutes left, we were all but home and dry, with a five goal cushion, and playing superbly. But it was a a close evening, and the arid conditions began to take their toll on a team that had myself just returned from a blow out in the Lake District, Big JohnnyM and Clogs fresh from a five day long stag do in Ibiza and a chap who hadn't played five a side for a couple of years. Even the Mercenary was slowed by the heat, and the younger MoFoers, in particular King Dave and Luklear War, took there chance and earned their team a most surprising two goal victory. The Mercenary and I withdrew to the Villagers for a post match post mortem, and came to an astonishing conclusion, and one that after a few days thought I have to agree on. It was all down to Shouty. His absence robbed us of our destroyer, and without a doubt fittest, and youngest member, who as the rest of us wilted, would more than likely have kicked us to victory. So we threw away a golden opportunity to carve out a lead, but with the steel of our silky side due to return, I reckon our ascent in the race for 2010 has merely been postponed, rather dealt a terminal blow.

PS Crespo showed up sporting the tightest shirt ever seen, which also probably got the Gaylords all worked up, and also contributed to their win.

JMF- Crespo, Big Phil, King Dave, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Big JohnnyM and Big Phils Neighbour

2010 Season

JMF wins - 13

Euro Elite - 12


Draws - 0

Actung! Bender Alarmbereitschaft!

As mentioned in an earlier post, the Bundesliga fixtures were announced on the 5/7/10, and we got the draw we wanted. After missing out last year, due to it's proximity to Xmas, we have our Berlin trip. They are playing in the Olympic stadium, which hosted the 2006 World Cup final no less, on the weekend of the 29/4-02/05 2011. The perfect date, just as the weather is starting to warm up. It is also the third from last game of the season, which almost always means the game is on Sunday afternoon. Let's hope there are no volcanic eruptions this time around. Have looked into flights, and they are coming up at £148 flying from Manchester, via Dusseldorf, departing at the unholy time of 08:00 in the morning. Still, it does give us all day Friday in Berlin, so I am sure we can drag our arses out of bed early. The alternative flies at 15:25, but we don't hit the German capitol till eight in the evening, which wastes a day, in my opinion. I am going to check out Expedia to see if it is cheaper to combine a flight and hotel, and will also search some hotel sites for a price on digs. Watch this space.

Substitue Stupidity

I am returned in one piece from the Lake District, whence I undertook some Bendering with me old muckers Queso, Gster and Malky. I trundled up to the Villager to meet up with them, and catch the early part of the footie, when i got too wondering "Why have they got in touch with me, out of the blue?" I haven't seen the Gster for nearly a year, and I hadn't clapped eyes on Mal for a good two and a half. Then the penny dropped. The scoundrels are down a man, and need a fella to keep the room price down! Of course when I brought this little matter up, I was met with a furtive glance from each, and then informed, after a pregnant pause, that I was being daft, and I was down to go from the off. I remained sceptical, but the sun was out, I had money in my pocket, and a thirst for beer, so I let the matter drop......

Until we checked into our hotel, which was booked in the names of Kent, Dodsworth, Chambers and Stoney! I was a substitute! Still I don't blame them, as I rarely say no to a piss up anyway. The evening was very pleasant. I was a little unused to be out with a gang of golfers, but they were all good company, and it was grand to be among the youngest again. Until we went to the local night club, at which point I felt like a hundred year old geezer again. Malky was great value, the boy owned that dance floor and the evening passed without buffoonery till we left the joint. Queso wanted to give me points for jumping butt naked into Lake Windermere, even though it was his idea in the first place, and he was all for it, before his vagina over ruled his head. But he didn't stay idiot free for long, as he earned himself a seven point haul. He thinks it was harsh, but just read what he got up to and make up your own mind.

As you may, or may not know, Bowness is not that big, so we decided to walk back to our hotel, which was a good 800 metres or so from the club we had just left. After about 10 paces, our resident grand fromage, took a turn up the hill. "It's this way!" he announced. The three of us pointed out to him that we were no where near our turn, too which we were issued a volley of insults, calling into question our mental capabilities, sexual orientation and physical attributes. "Tell you what it is," he opined finally "you can all suck my dick when I am back in my room, with my feet up after you have been wandering the streets for two hours!" as he trudged off up a sparsely populated hill. Malky thought we should go after him, but me and Gster agreed that it was the only way he would learn. Before I continue this tale of Tom foolery, I best mention that our digs were literally ten metres off the main drag, so that if you didn't pass it almost immediately it would indicate that one was going the wrong way. Not our kinky haired hero. He tromped up a hill to the very top, before he finally accepted the error of his ways. Alas, he then looked down the hill he would have to now descend, didn't fancy it, and decided that another road, that he had never been along before, was an obvious short cut, and proceeded to get himself even more lost. He confesses at point, having to lay down for a rest, and of vainly calling out our names, in hope of rescue. After this only he shall ever know what, or even where he got to, but suffice to say, he finally pitched up at our accommodation nearly two and a half hours after we had arrived. But that is still not the end of it. He burst into our rooms, and started in on one how it was all our fault, we never should have left, and that he was advertising for new friends, and finally that we were not to bother entering an application. It was a valiant effort to mask his own idiocy, but only succeeded in earning himself extra points.

I joined in on the stupidity the next morning, earning three points for a serious case of foot in mouth. But before I action these points onto the 2010 standings, there is another big scoring effort, registered the Saturday before on Crespo's head wetting shindig. Step forward Shouty, for another seven point haul. After a night on the lash in Shipley, and after that Bingley, it came time for the lad to get himself a pizza and a cab home. But for some reason known only to himself, he decided to get out of his cab a mile away from home, and take a short cut through the woods. It was in these woods that he took a wrong turn, stumbled, and landed head first in a thicket of stinging nettles. This left him stung from top to bottom, in a forest, gently sobbing as he ate what was left of his pizza pie. Watch this one, he can never truly be ruled out of contention...

PS. Nearly forgot this one. I have been reliably informed that Big JohnnyM has entered the fray, after getting lost in his hotel in Ibiza, dressed in only his boxer shorts and vest. Combine this with his attempt to piss in his closet, and you get six points.

Updated Buffoon Standings

1. Trigger 50 points
2. Child Catcher 28 points
3. Euro Bri 26 points
   
4. El Grande Queso 21 points
5. Crespo 13 points
6. Shouty 10 points
   
7. Big JohnnyM 6 points
   
8. Gareeeeeee 4 points
9. Tony Helmet 4 points
   
10. Sprocket 3 points
11. Dr Shotgun 3 points
    
12. Mikey D 3 Points
13. John the Don 3 points
14. Dessi 2 points
    
15. San 1 Point
16. Major 1 point

Something Different

Most of our jaunts, sojourns, capers, adventures and general piss ups are almost exclusively undertaken in big cities, which offer a wide variety of bars, restaurants, museums, places of culture and strip clubs. So today will make a refreshing change, as I take off with old school members Queso, Mallky and Gster to the idyllic sloped and vistas of the Lake District. It is an old pals stag night, and for reasons best known to himself, he has chosen his last stand at the town of Bowness. Wouldn't have been my first choice, but then again I went to Portsmouth for my farewell to freedom shindig, so what the chuff do I know? In fact, I quite like the sound of it. Was hoping for better weather (that's the UK for you) but getting lashed up round of few country pubs sounds like it could be a lark. The big worry is the lack of any of the usual Buffoon suspects, who are good to deflect away from one's own idiocy. Could be some points I fear. Any how, I am off to prepare for the festivities, so will catch you up on Monday, hopefully with some decent tales.

New 1860 Kit

After a couple of seasons of camp tom foolery, Der Lowen have got their shit back on track with a most excellent kit for the upcoming season. Farewell to the over sized gay lion out of the Wizard of Oz plastered all don the side of the shirt. Hello traditional blue and white stripes, in an old school understated style. Of course it is unfortunate that the play in an almost identical shirt as the muppets of Huddersfield town, and the swarthy cheaters of Argentina, but I do like it. The away effort is pretty cool as well.
Coming up on the fifth of July is the Bundesliga Fixture list, at which point I shall start planning our annual excursion to watch the lads live. We have lost the chance of a Hamburg jaunt, St Pauli went and got themselves promoted, but with Hertha Berlin's relegation, there are not one, but two chances to head for Berlin. One of these matches, preferably the Hertha game, will take priority, depending on the dates. If they are both held early in the season, it is difficult as everybody has usually used up their holiday allocation. A return to Dusseldorf is a possibility, but I prefer new destinations, even though the home of Fortuna is a blinding party town. saying that VFL Bochum ply their trade in the same region, so a return can not be ruled out. The most left field choice would be FC Erzgebirge Aue, who hail from the former East German town of Aue, near the border with the Czech Republic. With a population of 18,000, it is comparable in size to Keighley, and is an old mining town renowned for cutlery. Interesting. The other major option is FSV Frankfurt, who like 1860 share a massive stadium with a more celebrated rival team, Eintract. The ground is a 50,000 plus capacity beast, used during the 2006 World Cup.

Late Surge Stemmed

The problem with the righteous Elite has always been the tendency to start all the Hollywood stuff, instead of driving home our advantage. It has cost us dear before, and last night it nearly did again. This time is wasn't due to us trying to emulate Brazil, more down to the oppressive heat, and a massive lack of fitness. But hold firm we did, and JMF were left near tears as the bell sounded as the searched in vain for an equaliser. Thrice they came back from a three goal plus deficit, and even drew level, yet time and again the boys in white found that extra little in the tank to pull clear once more. Jamon wailed that they were robbed, as he always does, but the fact remains that after six months of toil and tears, the scores are back to all square. The shirt lifters may cry about the injuries to two of their stalwarts, but time and again we have provided them adequate cover, so that excuse just won't wash.

JMF- Crespo, Big Phil, King dave, Luklear War and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Two Scoops

2010 Season

JMF wins - 12

Euro Elite - 12


Draws - 0