Tuesday, December 29, 2009
2009 Review
The Bender Squad
Bender of the Year
The whole reason that we formed our little drinking gang, was to have company as we took off on drinking shindigs. Of course the economic storm has put paid to the number of them we can actually take part in, as some members aren't as solvent as they once were. So this year the nominations are a bit scarce. In fact there are only really two that can be considered. Our annual 1860trip, which was to Munich, and Mad ad's stag night north of the Border to Edinburgh. First up, Munich. Our second trip to the Bavarian capital, but this time there was no Oktoberfest, so we got to see a whole lot more of the city. We also had a couple of German speakers with us, which helped us secure uber cheap tickets to watch Der Lowen. Shouty was in inspired form, Jonesy proved a great addition, as did Dance Mat, the Major and Ryan, who try as we might, we could not think up a decent Squad name for. Adams do round Auld Reekie was a much hastier trip, we were only allocated two nights supping, although Tony Helmet tried to squeeze in a months worth in one weekend, with predictable results. Honourable mentions too the annual FA Cup final Day, the Christmas Shindig round Skipton and myself and Crespos trip through Darlington, Leeds and Bradford, all in one day. But the standout trip had to be Munich.
Winner- Munich
Runner up- Edinburgh
Squad Member of the Year
A first annual award, one for outstanding contribution to the cause of drinking beer. I plan on making this ward in a fashion similar to thew Wisden cricketer of the year, as in it can only be won by an individual once. I would this year say there are probably three worthy nominees. First up is the surprise one, Tony Helmet. Yes he was in full noodle mode in Edinburgh, but the fact remains he has proved to be one of the most reliable members this year. He is aways keen to track down errant members, and drag their sorry arses out. He often makes himself available to ferry us off to away games, and but for a lousy job that requires him to work weekends would probably be an ever present. Next up is Crespo, who never seems to miss any outing. He combines a healthy dose of common sense and buffoonery to make an excellent companion on any jaunt. You basically know he is as big a muppet as the rest of us, but not enough to get beaten up or arrested. But the winner, at the risk of sounding arrogant, has to be my good self. Fair enough, I probably haven't set as high a standard as in the previous years, but I do continue to organise almost every aspect of every trip we under take. Combine this with the blog that I maintain for our perusal, and I think it is deserved. Honourable mentions go to El Grande Queso, Big JohnnyM and the Shoutster, all of whom make more outings than most.
Winner- Euro Bri
Runners Up- Helmet and Crespo
Newcomer of the Year
We are all well aware that the Squad needs to gather new members to replece the comrades that fall foul of the evil Mean Repressive Spouse aka the M.R.S. Over the years we have seen several members, some as high profile as much lamented Jamon, fall into the mysterious waters of the pootang triangle, never to be seen again. This is why new blood is always required, and this year we have seen a couple emerge. First up is Sprocket. Although he hails from the back waters of Castleford, I figure we have found a bit of a diamond. Always hungry, and he gets a bit rowdy when pissed, he is still a good companion, and one of my favourite people to argue with. In contrast is the little fire cracker known as Charlie Child Catcher. Believe me, this fella is capable of going off anywhere, and although he requires a little seasoning, there could be a bright future for this guy as Shouty's heir apparent. Honourable mentions to the Major, Gareeeeee and Mickey D
Winner- Sprocket
Runner Up- Charlie Child Catcher
UK Pub of the Year
I have decided to preclude our main watering holes, the Villager and the Upper George, from this award section, as they are to all intents purposes our home from homes. So first up we have our new Bradford City local, and my dream Bradford pub, the New Beehive. A Georgian gem from the turn of the century, almost all it's original features have been maintained. It's courtyard, on a sunny day, is one of the finest places to be on the planet. To my mind this is what every pub should be like. The only other pub that we use in the town centre is the City Vaults, on oasis in a sea of boarded up shops, although Helmet still maintains that it is a gay bar. The final nomination is not a particularly nice pub, looks wise, but it was the sight of probably the biggest blow out of the year, the Haymarket in Edinburgh. It was under this roof that Helmet, Funky and Mad Ad went into Buffoon overdrive, and for this reason alone makes the final three. Watching the bouncer chase them out, on several occasions was hilarious. Honourable mentions go to Diggers and the Spiders Web in Edinburgh, Fannys in Saltaire and the Narrow Boat in Skipton.
Winner- The New Beehive, Bradford
Runner Up- The Haymarket, Edinburgh
Foreign Bar of the Year
Not a massive choice to pick from, as we only ventured to Munich. The beer kellers were great, my personal favourite were the two Augistiener ones near the train station, although the Hofbrauhaus was a lot better than I expected. The best one, however, was the one a taxi driver took us to on the Sunday night. You entered through a thick curtain, to be met by a bunch of worse for wear drinkers slumped at the bar, and a DJ playing some kick ass tunes. Whithin the hour the place was rammed, full of fit birds, and the beer was cheap. What was it called? I have no idea! But it was the best boozer I was in all year, bar none (forgive the pun).
Winner- ???????, Munich
Runner Up- Augustiener Keller, Munich
I think that just about covers the year in Bendering. As I alluded to at the beginning I will be doing an in depth review of the last decade, which in in 2003 saw us undertake our first foreign bender. I will also preview what lies ahead in 2010, in which, with luck, we will see us shake off the financial constraints of the downturn, and get out a bit more.
Budweiser versus Rolling Rock
Rolling Rock
What else can you say? It's an advert for Rolling Rock. I do, however, reckon there may be more than a few members who wished that they worked in an office that had such a dress code.
Budweiser
There plenty of classic Budweiser commercials that I could have shown, the frogs and the "Whasssssupppppp!" are probably the best known, but I have decided on this one for its seasonal setting, even though it doesn't feature the proper stuff, but the neutered tasting Bud Lite.
Battlle of the Brews....Kolcsh versus Corona
Through to the last four;
DAB
Kolsch
Festive Buffoonery
But returning to the lack of Tom Foolery displayed so far this year. I have indicated as too on reason there has not been as much to report, but there is one that is even more surprising. The apparent alien abduction of Tony Helmet. It is becoming quite obvious that some extra terrestrials have whisked him off to a distant galaxy, and replaced with him a more sober, responsible (although still mind blindingly loud) doppelganger. I am not alone in remarking on how un- idiot like he has been since receiving the Maillot Jaune. All I know is that they must be wondering what's hit them on planet Zorg, our whatever celestial body the original Helmet is now on. I was also becoming concerned that the the Right Honourable Shouty had joined successor in some inter planetary shenanigans, but was pleased to announce the first score for one of our previous champions. It is only a solitary point, and to the untrained will seem hars, as it is for losing his mobile phone. But for those who have had the pleasure over the last few years of Shoutys company, you will be well aware that this is an almost monthly occurrence, and is worthy of the point is garners.
Current 2010 Standings
- Euro Bri 6 points
- Crespo 5 points
- Charlie Child Catcher 4 points
- Gareeeeeee 4 points
- Mikey D 3 Points
- San 1 Point
- Grande Queso 1 point
- Shotuy 1 point
Bantams 1 Shrews 3
Kev Watch- A seasons best performance, and not just because he gave me a lift home. There was only us two present, we had a free ticket, but could fin no takers, and we were both hangover free. He was very animated, especially when the red card was shown, and proved decent company as the game descended into boredom. He didn't even argue about leaving with stoppage time left, as it was bloody freezing. 9/10
Pie Watch- Sold out of my favourite Steak and Kidney, so I plumped for the Meat and Potato. Why they do not reveal the kind of meat it is has always been a worry to me, but everyone else likes it, so I gave it a whirl. It was a good temperature, and was chockful of filling, but to my experienced palate was bland. I hazard that if you were to create a pie filled with cardboard, it would taste similar. My rating? Boring. 5/10
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas
Anyway, i best make myself scarce before Rudolf and his pals show up with the big guy in red. So have a good one, and I hope you get all the loot you asked for. Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Yuletide Buffoonery?
Well the annual Bender squad Christmas shindig is now history. A decent turnout, considering the weather, the recession and the nefarious M.R.S. took off too Skipton for a day time drinking session. The fact that there had been a healthy covering of snow the night before, lent the occasion a festive feel, although it did mean that all the trains were running late, and we found ourselves twiddling our thumbs on an ice cold platform, but we eventually made our destination. Myself, Crespo, Shotgun and big JohnnyM hooked up with Helmet, the King of the Pixies, El Grande Queso and his apprentice Charlie Child Catcher in Bingers, before hooking up with Dead Eye and Mad Ad in Skipton, where we were joined a few hours latter by Shouty Shipley posse.
Enough with the roll call. Things started out steady enough, you could even say quite civilized. Queso was slightly the worse for wear, but seeing as it had been his works doooo the night before he was do reasonably well. He was still sporting his stamp from the Pig Hut, but more alarmingly he was also wearing something called a "snoob" I believe. No matter which way you look at it, it was something a forty plus captain of industry should have grown out of, and was worthy of the point that was awarded to him. Which brings us nicely onto the subject of Buffoonery. In Helmet and Shouty, we were blessed with the company of the current, and prior recipients of the Maillot Jaune, so a bit of a display was expected. And we got one. From me. A case of mistaken identity resulted in one of the finest slaps you will ever witness. My ears are still ringing. Combine that with my spinning Charlie trick that resulted in me landing on my bonce, and it was agreed that six points were well earned. It still needs some discussion, but I think the Child Catcher earned himself some. In the Narrow Boat he decided to take on a group of the biggest, burliest rugby type fellas in a singing contest. Alas, our diminutive whirlwind only really knows one song about Leeds United, and was getting the Michael well and truly ripped out of him. This lead to a physical assault on his mountainous opponents, who ended up swinging him back and forth to the tune of "Rock a Bye Baby." It was highly amusing. A provisional four pointer, although I will refer it to a wider forum. If I am informed any further nonsense, you will be the first to know.
Current 2010 Standings
- Euro Bri 6 points
- Gareeeeeee 4 points
- Mikey D 3 Points
- San 1 Point
- Grande Queso 1 point
- Crespo 1 point
Friday, December 18, 2009
Mission Christmas Bender
Kolsch v Corona
Shouty Evoloved from a Meerkat
Simples. Shouty is a distant relative of the meerkat, a theory fleshed out in this Kolsh advert. A gluttonous, hiccuping fool, who is addicted to Kolsh. saying that, the las place you would stick him is in a barrel of beer.
Corona Advert
Let's face it. You can't beat a commercial with a hot chick in a bikini on a sandy beach. I will never be convinced with the fruit thing, but lime aside, it is a fine drink, served ice cold on a red hot summers day.
We Have a Winner
Last Four Qualifiers;
DAB
Good Luck
Of course the fact that I am I am relaying this story to you lot, means he was eventually caught. Apparently somebody tipped off the feds, and his whirlwind lifestyle was at an end. I know I shouldn't condone what this fella did, his wife and kids benefited not a penny from his shenanigans, and only found out when the rozzers rang the front door bell, but I can't help smiling at his antics and wishing the guy good luck. He got seven years in the end up, but I still wager he is sporting a grin when he is turned loose.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Not Posh Enough
Whatever
Monday, December 14, 2009
Christmas Dooooooo!
Bantams 2 Millers 4
Pie Rating- I am glad my piecott is at an end, as it is happy days at Valley Parade. I don't know who they have put in charge of pies, but they are doing a stand up job. I enticed Micky D into a Streak and Kidney, and he rated it highly. I was not able to repeat my fat trick of three pies in a half, as I was going out for a curry later, so I just had the one. Mmmmmm 8/10
Kev Watch- On a break for this week, as I didn't see much of him. He was sat at the opposite end of our seats, getting the full Helmet treatment from Ike and Sam.
Der Crickey!!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Will they Never Learn??
Fast forward to the new millennium, and the wheel appears to be reaching full circle. Having chased away almost all investment in the city, Bradford City Centre has to be one of the most forlorn places on the planet. The big Westfield Shopping Mall that was due to regenerate downtown, has been a huge crater for pushing five years now, with no sign of any imminent building work. The much loved Odeon building is in danger of becoming a matching hole, as the idiots seemed dead determined to reduce it to rubble, so some pie in the sky, soulless complex can take it's place. Throw in the moronic "City Park" scheme, and you may as well board the place up.
If all this doesn't convince you the lunatics are running the asylum, this must surely do so. In a bid to get folk shopping in town, some bright spark decided to have a German Christmas market for four weeks. A good idea, and one that was adopted by both Leeds and Manchester. Being fans of all things Teutonic, me and Helmet went to visit on a Friday night. Oompah bands, fine German ale and Bratwurst were much anticipated, until we got there. First up no band. Instead we had Slade piped over a PA system. People. In the Beer garden there were two people. Me and Helmet. The beer. "Which beer would you like? German or Carlsberg?" asked mein hostess. "German" we chorused. As she poured, Tony asked what kind it was. "Becks" she said. Now I realise that technically she was correct, but we were both hoping for something that was not available throughout the beer drinking world. The wurst was all right, but the stalls were pretty tacky, and because it shut up at eight o'clock, nobody was around. It was supposed to last a month, but the stall holders, not doubt out of pocket, high tailed it back to the Fatherland after just a fortnight.
Now let's compare it to the one in Leeds. A proper beer keller had been constructed, along with a separate tavern, both a which sold beers like Paulaners, a proper Bavarian drop, and one that is a little more authentic than Becks. They were open till eleven, and were so busy that there was a queue to get in, and groups of lads were not allowed entry. We took off round Leeds, which was full of chain bars, such as O'Neils and Yates, that long ago packed up and moved out of Bradford. The place was buzzing, and made me realise just how far behind my home town has fallen. How to stem the tide? That is the question, and one that I do not hold a definite answer too. But I can tell you one thing. A mirror lake and a few trees ain't going to solve the problem.
Second Quarter Final...Peroni v DAB
Not a DAB advert
Couldn't find a decent DAB clip. They all seemed to feature boring Canadiens waffling on in a very dull fashion. So instead I found this amusing effort from Tuborg.
Birra Peroni - Nastro Azzurro
Just what you would expect from an Italian beer advert. Opera music, fit bird, handsome dude, flying paint and bugger all beer. Very classy.
Drag Queen Sings
As expected. the opening salvos were a tight affair, the JMF drawing first blood, but an instant Elite comeback saw us take a slender lead. But after a quarter of an hour the MoFo broke into a five goal lead, slack defending, passing and goal keeping being the downfall of the valiant lads in white. It looked to be game set and season to Jamons boys, but all of a sudden their shooting became wayward, and the comeback was launched. As usual, at the first sign of danger, they began to bicker with each other, and the Euro boys seemed set fair to make them pay for their earlier profligacy. But the game turned in a heart beat, as the good Doctor injured his back in the line of duty, and retired to goalkeeping duties to try and rectify his strain. His lack of mobility became evident straight away, as Dead Eye, Luklear and Funky took turns to stoke the ball low into the corners, regaining a five goal advantage. It was a sad way for the game to be decided, as up till then it was shaping up to be quite a tussle. No blame can be apportioned in any way to the good Doctor, a back strain is about the worse knock you can pick up playing five a side, but our heads dropped, and our formation disintegrated as we probably strived a little too hard to chase the game. Combine this with the time wasting tactics now employed by the rent boy loving MoFo, it was a miracle that we made yet another valiant effort to turn the tide. With time against us we again pulled back to a within a couple of scores, the Shoutster ran himself into the ground for the cause, but as always when chasing the game, space was left at the back, and it was exploited, I think the goal deficit was four at the bell. So the forfeited game became academic, as the JMF won the solitary game required. Congratulations to the JMF, Champions of 2009, and worthy winners they were.
The celebrations in the showers were a bit much though......
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Loooong Sleep In
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Wood Catch Up
So last week, we showed up full of confidence, three games behind with five to play. Our arrogance was short lived though, as we were unceremoniously bent over and given it Texas style by the rampant reds. Five down in double quick time, and toys began leaving the cot on the Righteous side. Chief mumbler, and piss poor goal keeper Young Gaz grumbled his way into the nets, and all appeared lost. But then the goals dried up for the rent boy loving MoFo. By some strange miracle, we began to make inroads into the JMF lead, as a Magoo like cloud descended over the boys in red. But still we could not get in front, and time was running out rapidly. Funky broke free and buried a low shot that looked to have secured the win, but then they did something very out of character. Usually, when they find themselves with a slender lead as the clock ticks down, they revert to an Italian style of defending, where they waste time by slowly passing the ball back to the keeper ( something that will be addressed in the New Year) in an ugly display of gamesmanship. But for some reason they decided to go for another goal. Two Scoops broke up an attack, and I carried the ball out of defence, drawing the JMF rearguard towards the ball, before slipping a perfect pass to a wide open Shotgun. Readers of previous reports will be more than aware that the good Doctor has been suffering a crisis of confidence over the last few weeks, but that was all put behind him, as he smashed the equaliser into the far corner. But a win was what was really required, and with just seconds to go, the JMF's last attack broke down, and I played Scoops in, one on one with the keeper, who was Big Phil, not the most feline of guardians. He had an age to score the most unlikely of winners, but for reasons only known to himself, he swivelled and shot blind, straight at the advancing keeper, earning himself back to back Magoo awards. The bell signalled the draw, and what could have been a two game deficit with four to play, was stuck on a more ominous three down with four. The MoFo are now but one win away from securing the prize.......
2009 Season
Pilgrims 0 Bantams 1
Pie Rating- It would have been nice to provide a picture of the Darlo pie offerings at this point, but my camera finally succumbed to the torture that Crespo and Sprocket subjected it to in Munich. The tosspots. This ground was the scene of the worst grub sampled last season, and I approached the counter with trepidation, and plumped for the Steak and Kidney. It was better than last years, but once again barely tepid in temperature. And they sauce was some no name generic brand, that required three sachets to garner a decent splash. The good Doctor was much more appreciative of his meat and potato pie, and gave it a seven if remember right, but I wasn't so sure, and thought a second was needed to make my decision. No pies till half time, the spotty youngster told me. Chance would have been a fine thing, after lining up for a good twenty minutes at the interval, the geezer in front bought the last three in the whole ground. A catasro-pie! An angry 4/10
Crespo Watch-He accused me of winding him up, and we fratched for the majority of the game, and all of the journey home. Made up after we got back on the ale. Gains points for driving us up there. 6/10