Le Grande Buffoon 2009

Tomorrow we enter the final month of the annual race to be crowned Le Grande Buffoon 2009, and the race for Le Maillot Jaune is looking to be a cliffhanger this year. The two main protagonists, Shouty and Helmet enter the final weeks neck and neck. For a brief moment Shouty went into the lead. On a trip into town he managed to loose his keys, which in itself is not a major point score, but under the rules of the competition, it is worth a point. So for three days the current champion was out on his own at the head of the pack. But beers and football always bring out the best in Helmet. During a heated footie discussion in the pub, about Ibranhimovic, he asked me, in a hushed voice where he was from. I told him he was from Portugal. "Portuguese wanker!" he chimed in, not realizing I had lied to him, and in fact he Swedish. He tried to claim entrapment, but after conferring with the Mercenary and Sandro, it was deemed worth a point. All square at the top.

But the biggest movers and shakers on the list are two chaps who haven't been out much lately, which is just as well for them, as I reckon they would both figure quite highly. First up is Maffy. In an effortless display of idiocy he earned himself a good eight points with this effort. It was Friday, and we were in the Upper George. After several beers, the rounds had worked their way back around to Matt. He enquired what everybody wanted. "I am bit beered out, can you get me a JD and coke?" Off he went to the busy bar. He returned after five minutes or so, and plonked down the drinks. "Where's mine?" asked Queso. Maffy pushed a pint of lager towards him. He was told that is not want he asked for, and was sent back to the bar to rectify his cock up. Another five or so minutes passed, before we saw him making his way back through the crowd, before proudly placing another pint of lager in front the Grand Fromage. Me and Geevers were pissing ourselves by this point, as Steve shook his head, looked at Matt, and shuffled off to the bar to get his own drink. Combine this with his lost wallet, and his Mr Shake Hands impression, and we have agreed to issue a points total of 12.

Next up comes the King of the Pixies, Sandro. It was learnt, that after a session on the ale, finished off with a round, or two, of sambuccas, the previous Saturday, that he might have been a little worse for wear. Julian had spotted him doing the one legged stagger home, but better was to follow. On arrival at his property, he was flummoxed by his front door. After struggling and swearing for a quarter of an hour or so, or hero was finally bailed out by his next door neighbour, who unlocked the door for him. This is not his only transgression. In the midst of a debate about which sauce container was better, squeezy bottle or old style glass, he piped up that sachets were the best. His reasoning? I is more hygienic!! It is neigh on impossible to prevent getting any of the contents on your fingers, which shoots down his hygiene theory. A combined total of 14 was issued. The revised standings are below;

1. Helmet 40 points
2. Shouty 40 points
3. Euro Bri 22 points
4. Funky 22 points
5. Mad Ad 21 points
6. Maffy 18 points
   
7. Lefty 14 points
8. King of the Pixies 14 points
   
9. Crespo 14 points
10. Sprocket 9 points
11. Pembo 4 points
12. Skid 4 points
13. John the Don 4 points
    
14. Dr Shotgun 2 points
15. G Spot 1 point

Still no idea of how to separate the top two in the case of of a tie. Helemt and Shouty are both claiming that they are going into hiding to prevent any chances of committing more stupidity. Or should we just have joint winners? Any ideas will be greatly appreciated.