Bantams 0 Shrimpers 0

The unbeaten was extended last night to eight, although the goalless stalemate was not a true reflection on the Bantams dominance. Firstly the ground, which has to be the poorest in the league, afforded a pitiful view of the game. About 10 rows a shallow terracing meant if you were at the back, and I was, the view of the goalmouth in front of us was partially obstructed, by both heads, and a big iron post. Thankfully this is the last season it will be used, as it fully earns it's garden shed status rating in the Away Days thread. The first half gave an indication of what expect quality wise from the referee, which turned out to be not a lot. A ludicrous decision gifted Morecombe a free kick on the edge of the box, and Jevons stepped up to rattle the post. That was the only real scare of the first half. The second half though was all City. Chance after chance went begging, as Neilson and Luke O'Brien made hay down the flanks. There was a couple of decent saves from the keeper, and a goal line clearance from a defender, but the Bantams just couldn't find the back of the net. City were still building pressure well, when with around ten minutes to go, the ref made a woeful decision, and showed Evans a straight red for a challenge on the keeper, who made a meal of it. It looked a legitimate challenge to me, but the ref thought it was excessively dangerous play, and off went our most likely scorer. So with the team down to ten, and only a handful of minutes left, we would have been happy with a draw at a ground where we have always lost. But it looked like we would take all the points, as Neilson made space, and only had the keeper to beat. A side foot into the bottom corner was all that was required, but he went for power, and the keeper parried. Morecambe gave us a couple of scares before the final whistle, but a loss would have been a cruel blow, as the Bantams dominated throughout. The only other thing to report, is a close call with the football. As any self respecting football fan knows, the only way to return it into the field of play is with a header. For years, I have waited for an opportunity to exhibit my skill, and finally the moment appeared to have arrived. A shot from distance swerved into the crowd, heading in our general direction. Helmet assessed the velocity of the travelling sphere, and decided on evasive action, but I elbowed my way into position, as the ball approached at speed. My moment had arrived, I thought, as I thrust my head forward, to meat the ball. Just seconds away from executing the perfect power header, the big girls blouse in front of stuck out his hands and diverted the ball in another direction. Obviously a part-timer, unfamiliar with terrace etiquette, he was given a sharp rebuke from big Tony. Maybe my time will come this Saturday, as myself, Crespo and the good Doctor Shotgun make the trip to Northampton.

Pie Rating- A book was recently published by some geezer who had travelled the land reporting on the great British football pie. In an interview I caught on the radio, he nominated Morecambes offering as the ultimate in stadium pies. This seemed odd to me, and the good the good Doctor, as on our previous trip a couple of years ago, it was an average offering. Had they changed their supplier? Don't know, but the Meat and Potato was bland in the extreme. It was a good size, and at £2.50 it was reasonably priced. The temperature was good as well, but without the chilli sauce I liberally applied, it would have a tasty a sheet of cardboard. Bon Viveur Tony Helemt also sampled a mouthful, and concurred. For it's volume I will grant it a slightly above average rating of 6/10

Le Grande Buffoon 2009

Tomorrow we enter the final month of the annual race to be crowned Le Grande Buffoon 2009, and the race for Le Maillot Jaune is looking to be a cliffhanger this year. The two main protagonists, Shouty and Helmet enter the final weeks neck and neck. For a brief moment Shouty went into the lead. On a trip into town he managed to loose his keys, which in itself is not a major point score, but under the rules of the competition, it is worth a point. So for three days the current champion was out on his own at the head of the pack. But beers and football always bring out the best in Helmet. During a heated footie discussion in the pub, about Ibranhimovic, he asked me, in a hushed voice where he was from. I told him he was from Portugal. "Portuguese wanker!" he chimed in, not realizing I had lied to him, and in fact he Swedish. He tried to claim entrapment, but after conferring with the Mercenary and Sandro, it was deemed worth a point. All square at the top.

But the biggest movers and shakers on the list are two chaps who haven't been out much lately, which is just as well for them, as I reckon they would both figure quite highly. First up is Maffy. In an effortless display of idiocy he earned himself a good eight points with this effort. It was Friday, and we were in the Upper George. After several beers, the rounds had worked their way back around to Matt. He enquired what everybody wanted. "I am bit beered out, can you get me a JD and coke?" Off he went to the busy bar. He returned after five minutes or so, and plonked down the drinks. "Where's mine?" asked Queso. Maffy pushed a pint of lager towards him. He was told that is not want he asked for, and was sent back to the bar to rectify his cock up. Another five or so minutes passed, before we saw him making his way back through the crowd, before proudly placing another pint of lager in front the Grand Fromage. Me and Geevers were pissing ourselves by this point, as Steve shook his head, looked at Matt, and shuffled off to the bar to get his own drink. Combine this with his lost wallet, and his Mr Shake Hands impression, and we have agreed to issue a points total of 12.

Next up comes the King of the Pixies, Sandro. It was learnt, that after a session on the ale, finished off with a round, or two, of sambuccas, the previous Saturday, that he might have been a little worse for wear. Julian had spotted him doing the one legged stagger home, but better was to follow. On arrival at his property, he was flummoxed by his front door. After struggling and swearing for a quarter of an hour or so, or hero was finally bailed out by his next door neighbour, who unlocked the door for him. This is not his only transgression. In the midst of a debate about which sauce container was better, squeezy bottle or old style glass, he piped up that sachets were the best. His reasoning? I is more hygienic!! It is neigh on impossible to prevent getting any of the contents on your fingers, which shoots down his hygiene theory. A combined total of 14 was issued. The revised standings are below;

1. Helmet 40 points
2. Shouty 40 points
3. Euro Bri 22 points
4. Funky 22 points
5. Mad Ad 21 points
6. Maffy 18 points
   
7. Lefty 14 points
8. King of the Pixies 14 points
   
9. Crespo 14 points
10. Sprocket 9 points
11. Pembo 4 points
12. Skid 4 points
13. John the Don 4 points
    
14. Dr Shotgun 2 points
15. G Spot 1 point

Still no idea of how to separate the top two in the case of of a tie. Helemt and Shouty are both claiming that they are going into hiding to prevent any chances of committing more stupidity. Or should we just have joint winners? Any ideas will be greatly appreciated.

Bantams 3 Spireites 0

Nearly forgot to post this one, so I had better frame, as I am off to Morecombe tonight. So here we go. This was City's best win of the season to date, extending their unbeaten run to seven games in the process. I was expecting more of a game from the opposition, who I fancied as one of our main rivals for a playoff place, but the Bradford midfield had the better of them from the off, and Eastwood, who has improved immeasurably on his form at the start of the campaign, was only really troubled on a hand full of occasions. The breakthrough came on 25 minutes, when Flynn made space on the edge of the area, before curling in a sweet shot into the top corner. The game itself was pretty much over around the hour mark, as Neilson followed up a blocked shot to make it 2-0. The last five minutes should have seen a more emphatic result secured, as Neilson hit the post when presented with an open goal, a Boulding hesitated in a one on one with goalie. But Brandon made no mistake prior to these fluffed chances, smashing his shot into the net after the keeper was put under pressure from Hanson.

Pie Rating- No Kev watch this week, he was on holiday in Turkey. I had intended on a Queso watch instead, but I had a colossal hangover, and plain forgot. It was for this reason that I broke my concessions boycott, I had thrown up my breakfast and was starving, but wish I hadn't. The pie was burnt, but not as badly as Helmets, but the burger that Stevie got was truly horrific. For a start he had to ask three times for one, as his dopey server was not blessed with a great command of Anglais. On his first attempt he was brought a meat and potato pie! When he finally got his burger it was stone cold. I know because I ate it, before he finally got one that was tepid. But no matter the temperature of the damn things, they were horrible. Where on Earth do they find a cheese that smells of sick?? I have eaten cauliflower with a higher meat content than was present in the actually burger itself, but credit where it's due, the bun was nice. The boycott is back on, and on this showing will not be broken in the foreseeable future. 2/10

Der Lowen Revert to Form

After the mid week victory against Hertha Berlin in the cup, it was back to league business on Sunday, against SC Paderborn. But as usual, when playing against the lesser lights of Der Bundesliga 2, they failed to deliver. In front of 21,000 at the Allianz, 1860 had a man sent off, and drew 0-0. This result sees the lads slip down to fourth from bottom, although they are only three points off sixth. Next up is St Pauli in Hamburg, flying high in the league, so hopes are high for a result. In the Cup, the Lions have drawn top flight powerhouse Shalke at home.

What is the Point.....

.....of bloody sachets. No really. What purpose do they serve?? It cannot be to hold and dispense sauce. If proof were needed, checkout this example, taken at the City Vaults in Bradford city centre.
That small minuscule blob, is the amount of English Mustard gleaned from the sachet pictured.

When Size Matters

I noticed this a while back, and meant to raise the matter on this blog, but as usual, got side tracked. But last night I got a text from Tony Helmet, raising the same issue. Why are pubs now only selling the most excellent Holsten Pils in tidgy 275ml bottles instead of the old 330ml, and at the same price?!?!? Of course the reason will come down to money, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the brewers are making more if they charge for less. I am almost certain that the pubs, of which the majority are owned by faceless corporations that force landlords to buy what they are told are not seeing the extra dosh. The worrying thing is, if it is a success, how long will it be before other brands follow? Not long, in these soulless profit driven times. But this also raises another question. I am old enough to remember the days when the breweries ran the pubs, often being able to keep less profitable village Inns going with subsidies from the more successful one's. But in the early 1980's, the Tory government, decided this was a monopoly, and forced the sell off of thousands of boozers. The breweries, as you would expect, held on the most lucrative. The rest were sold off, apart from the one's that made little or no money, and small village pubs, some that had been around for a couple of centuries, were closed down, and faded into history.

So what happened next? Well firstly, the breweries were swallowed up by huge multi nationals, who couldn't give a toss about community pubs, so these then were sold off, in most cases to other companies, such as Enterprise and Punch, who then leased them out to individuals. Of course this was done at great expense, so the people who took on these businesses were nailed down to what they could sell, and had to pay the leasing companies handsomley for their beer. This in turn created a bigger monopoly than before. That is why, unless you are in a freehold, you are pretty much confronted with a uniform choice of beers in most pubs. A perfect example is the ubiquitous Carling, served in just about every pub in the land. For these firms, at first, all will have seemed gravy. I should imagine the were making money hand over fist. But they had planned without an Empire even more ruthless and profit driven than themselves. The supermarkets. All of a sudden, the over priced drinks on offer, in tatty pubs shorn of investment, were being hugely undercut by the take out market. Why spend a tenner on four pints, when you can get a case of 20 cans for under £20? But did these companies lower the burden on their struggling tenants? Of course not. So what happens next? Pubs start going bust, that's what. And not in dribs and drabs, but by the busload. A lot blame the smoking ban, which I don't buy. Wetherspoons seems to do all right. But then, are 'Spoons they part of the problem? I did for a spell think they were, but I am not so sure now. Why can they sell their beer so much cheaper? Is it because they are a proper company, one that runs it's own business. You cannot tell me, that a company like Enterprise doesn't have the same buying clout, and could afford to sell their drinks cheaper. It is something illustrated perfectly on this link. An historic pub in Southampton has had to close it doors, because 'Spoons is selling a pint of lager for 99p, whilst the landlord of The Grapes, famous as the Titanic pub, is being forced to buy his ale at £1.57, which means he has to sell it to the public at £3.15 to make his overheads. His pleas for a reduction in his rent, or beer prices fell on deaf ears. And still they try and blame the smoking ban.

So now we have smaller bottles. That is the least of our worries. At this rate, we will soon have no pubs.

Becks Vier v Peroni Nastro Azzurro

Becks Vier

Style- Pale Lager

ABV- 4%, hance the Vier

Price- Around £2.90 a pint

Originated- Bremen, Germany


Peroni

Style- Lager

ABV- 4.7%

Price- around £3 per pint

Originated- Vigevano, Italy

Overview
Our first tie not to feature a beer from the colonies, it is a tete-a-tete between too bastions of the Olde Worlde, Deutchsland and Italia. This is Becks second offering of this round, a recently introduced four percenter, launched, no doubt, to placate the Health Nazis crusade against stronger beers. It manages to do this without compromising any quality, and if on an all dayer, this brew will assist you to "Keep your head in the game" instead of the gutter. Representing the boot, is Peroni, a lager that owes it's high recognition in Blighty to the numerous Pizzeria and Trattorie Ristorante up and down the country. This is with good reason, as an ice cold Azzurro is just about the perfect compliment to any pasta dish, pizza, or most especially meatballs served at the most excellent Cafe Candia. Mmmmmmmmm Meatballs......

Odds
Can Becks, which had not one, but two brews qualify for the last sixteen be left unrepresented in the quarter finals? I fear it may well be the case. Becks Regular was stuffed, in what can most politely be called an irregular ballot, by Corona, something of a surprise result. But what about it's younger, lower alcohol content sibling? I like the Vier, but let's be honest, it is no real match for Peroni. Or is it? Over to you, the voters.

Wood Shootout

A goal fest took place down the Wood last night, as the evil, snotty nosed nose pickers of the JMF clung on to defeat the Righteous last night. An injury hit Elite got off to a slow start, and the MoFo made 'em pay, racking up a comfortable lead in no time at all. The only surprise was to the main goal protagonist was not Luklear, Puppy Drowner or Gaz, but King Dave, well known wearer of sand wedges on his toes. Yes the others played their part, Lukelar finished nicely on numerous occasions, but King Dave was finding the corners with everything he toed. At the half way mark, all looked lost, as the boys in white laboured to keep the deficit to eight. but if Dave's form was scintillating up front, he soon reverted to type when he was called upon to do his stint in nets. For the last three or four weeks he has been goal proof, repelling all and sundry, but tonight he finally reverted to type. The main benefactor was Two Scoops, who although claiming to be lamed by a mystery leg ailment, all of a sudden hit the afterburners. If he wasn't scoring, he was breaking up attacks or setting up goals. When the Shotgun blasted us all square, the greatest comeback in Wood history looked to be a formality. But the exertions of clawing our way back into the game began to show, and even the Herculean Scoop's could not maintain his stupendous pace. The MoFo saw their chance, and sprung into a three goal lead, but once more the boys in white dug deep. Clogs repelled all that was thrown at him in goals, and one last push saw the game once more thrown into the balance, as we pulled the score back to parity. The clock was now showing under five minutes, and with end in sight, Euro hearts were broken, as the cock munchers fired in three goals to make the game safe. Even then, we pulled a last goal back, to finally succumb by two goals. I lost count of the final total, but I am pretty sure both sides exceeded the 20 goal mark. All square, and although it pains me to say it, hat's off to the rent boy lovers, who have turned around what was fast becoming a lost cause. All square with 14 left to play.

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Dead Eye, Young Gaz, Luklear War and King Dave

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two Scoops, Clogs, Dr Shotgun and Big Phil

2009 Season

JMF wins - 17

Euro Elite - 17

Draws - 2

1860 Prove my Theory

What can I say? The Mighty Lions proved my recent theory by dispatching top flight Hertha Berlin out of the DFB cup tonight. Yes, the Berlin side are currently propping up the Bundesliga 1, but they are also a Europa League team this season, and the result can be considered an upset. Of course Der Lowen made everybody sweat, earning themselves a two goal lead. The first was a gift, an own goal no less, but early in the second half, American international Kenny Cooper fired them into the lead, his pass being provided by the wonderfully named Kaiser. Hertha were finally roused from their torpor, and scored twice in quick succession to take the game into extra time. The next half hour proved fruitless for both teams, and the game was to be decided on penalties. This being Germany, you would have expected them to still be be efficiently dispatching spot kicks a week later, but the myth proved to be false, as Hertha missed not one, but two, to see 1860 through to the next round. Let's just hope they draw a decent team, as they always seem to fail against shite.

Battle of the Brews The Final 16

A convincing win for Heineken, the first European beer to make it through to the quarter finals. A reasonably high turn out, saw the Dutch Goliath win 80% of the vote, as Red Stripe was eliminated. No vote rigging seems to have gone on this time around, although I am aware King Dave is an avid fan the brew in the green bottle. Next up is a battle between two European countries, as Italy faces off against Germany, as King of the Pot Pourri takes on the King of the Cooking Lagers. It is Peroni versus Becks Vier. I will try and post the tie tonight, but it will definitely been done by tomorrow night.

Qualifiers to date:
Rolling Rock
Budweiser
Corona
Heineken

1860 Updtae

As anticipated at the end of my 1860 post last week, Der Lowen became pussycats, and got rolled 2-0 by Aachen, a team that until they faced TSV, were rooted in the relegation places. Judging by what I have seen over the last four seasons following the boys in blue and white, it is something of an ongoing trend. Win a couple, draw against one of the top teams, loose to a bag of shite. Next up is SC Paderborn 07, a mid table team, one point above us in the league. At home, we should win, but a score draw would not surprise me in the slightest. More interesting is the second round of the German Cup (DFB-Pokal) on Wednesday night, when Der Lowen take on Bundesliga side Hertha Berlin. I almost guarantee a victory.

Anyone got a Spare 700k?

Why do I need £699,000? Too buy a Bradford institution, the New Beehive public house, on White Abbey that's why. It is the last great pub left in the vicinity of the city centre, an Edwardian jewel, that retains it's early 20th century interior, right down to the gas lighting. It is by far my favourite boozer in the local Metropolitan, and it has been put up for sale. Of course, as you would expect of a business that also boasts 15 rooms to let, and a cellar/night club facility that can accommodate up to 450 punters, it isn't cheap, but to be honest it isn't that expensive, if you consider that it is a freehold, and that one would take ownership of the whole building, it's outside beer garden, and car park. In fact, it is probably a bit of a bargain. That of course is down to it's major drawback. Location. There is, quite literally bugger all near it. Yes it is close enough to warrant passing trade on match days at Bradford City, and with regular soul and comedy nights in the cellar, plus a fairly loyal clientele, it is not a basket case either. It advertises a turnover of £450k a year, of which just over a £150,000 is net profit, but is this a figure that will dwindle, with the slow death of Bradford City Centre? I fear it could be. Apart from a few theme bars near the university, and a couple of bars near Centenary Square, my home town is not a destination that attracts many. The more you look into it, and think pragmatically about what could be achieved by buying the place, as to investing in another area, it makes absolutely no sense what so ever. In fact, anybody with a modicum of business acumen would run a mile from this kind of venture.

But I am not a person possessed of such traits. A die hard romantic day dreamer is what I am, and a more worthy endeavour, as to save a slice of true Yorkshire culture, does not spring readily to mind. Whilst the loopy council conspire to tear down another Bradford land mark (the Odeon) and replace it with yet another faceless concrete office block, destined to remain empty, which will be in turn demolished twenty to thirty years hence, and a preposterous city centre lake that only they want to see built, my wish is to preserve something that can never be replicated. Something worthwhile, and something that folk want kept. Sure making a few quid along the way would be nice, but let's be honest, running this place would not make me millions. What it would make me is happy, and if, with a bit of luck, and ton of hard graft, proud that just maybe I might have done something to be remembered by, when my time in this life is up. I know it is a pipe dream, but if by some miracle, some geezer out there has several hundred grand spare, and stumbles across this post, feel free to get in touch. Failing that, a miracle lottery win would come in nice.

Catch Up

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Dubious Calls Defeat Righteous

A game often turns on just a solitary incident, and tonight's tussle down the Wood featured a moment that earned a change, if but for one week, a change in nick name. For this week, and pending any further repeats, Dead Eye shall for the rest of this report be known as the Puppy Drowner. The reason? The Shoutster was unable to make the match, due to work commitments, and drafted in his dad as a replacement, something nobody on the Euro Elite has any issue with. But it has to be remembered Big Phil doesn't partake on a weekly basis, and his command of the court is not the greatest, a fact which is shown by his penchant for wandering into his own penalty area, which by the letter of the law, or the rules we play by, constitutes a penalty. We strive to direct him out of the forbidden zone, but considering he doesn't play that regularly, we would expect a bit of lee way from our opponents. Which we usually get, but tonight, all though no one was in the vicinity when he breached the keepers area, the Puppy Drowner called for a pen. I tried to argue that it was a bit different than if myself, Mercenary, Clogs or Two Scoops had done the same thing, at which point I would have brooked no argument, but Genghis Phil was not having a bar of it, and even though his teammates averted their eyes in shame, Nazi Eye slotted the ball home. Apart from that incident it was a good game, wasteful finishing was punished at the death, with the JMF holding out for a two goal win. I still think the boy loving MoFo are in for a dry humping in the not distant future, as we cannot continue to spurn some many scoring opportunities. One game is now the difference, something of a turnaround, considering the inept form on display from the MoFo only a few weeks ago.

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Puppy Drowner, Dr Shotgun, Luklear War and King Dave

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two Scoops, Clogs, Big Phil and Mercenary

2009 Season

JMF wins - 16

Euro Elite - 17

Draws - 2

Away Days.......Rochdale

After a long summer sabbatical, and in conjunction with the with the start of the latest football season, it is time to relaunch the Away Days thread. It also coincides with the first voyage of the season, although the twenty or so miles myself and Dr Shotgun travelled over the Pennines hardly does the word service. It was our first experience of the world renowned Johnstones Paint Trophy, which is contested amongst the bottom two divisions, on a north/south divide, for the right to play on the hallowed turf at Wemberley. But our hopeful journey to the massive 90,000 capacity began at what could only be described as the polar opposite, Spotland, home of Rochdale A.F.C. It is a nice little ground, well served by a social club at one end, and a proper old school pub nearer the away end. And it is just as well they have somewhere to drown their sorrows, as the poor buggers have been rooted in the bottom division of the English professional leagues since 1974, a mind boggling 36 years. And us Bantams think we have had it hard.


Statistics

• Capacity-10,249
  
• Concessions- The best reason for visiting. Proper pies, and proper pints, served at decent prices (pies £2, pint of lager £3). They even have a contra flow system to make getting served a quick and painless chore. The knob heads running the stands at Valley Parade would be well advised to visit and take notes. Where is Jamon when you need him??
  
• Built-1920
  
• Did You Know?- Ummmmmmmmmmm...It's in Rochadale?
  
• Visited By- Euro Bri, Dr Shotgun and El Grande Queso
  
• Rating- Coliseum. I was going to go higher. It is in a residential area, so there are plenty of boozers. The grub in the stadium is great. The fans give it there all (although there is not a great deal of them) and both times I have been, it has been a pretty good craic. But it is just lacking a certain something. Maybe it's because both times I have driven over for the game, which always takes the edge off proceedings. You get a much better feeling for the place if you spend some time around the district that it is in. This fact could result in an upgraded rating at a later date.

Heineken v Red Stripe

Heineken

Style- Lager

ABV- 5%

Price- About £2.80 a pint

Originated- Amsterdam


Red Stripe

Style- Lager

ABV- 5%

Price- Approx £2.80 a pint

Originated- Kingston, Jamaica

Overview
Old versus new. Red Stripe may have been around for a while now, but Heineken is one of the worlds best known brands, and has been available forever. But, up until about seven years ago, it was brewed at a lower percentage for the UK market, apparently the Dutch think we aree a bunch of weak livered hooligans, an image that we did the best, as a nation, to give credence too through the 1970's and 1980's. But it needed to keep up with a new breed of lagers, the wife beaters, so was ramped up to it's European strength. Red Stripe gained it's foothold in Great Britain via the incoming wave of West Indians, and the clubs and bars that they ran, most notably in Bradford, Bibby's old night club. Neither has the profile of a Carlsberg or Carling, but are still readily available, particularly in bottle/can.

Odds
I would be very surprised if Europe did not garner it's first representative in the final eight, as Heineken has always been highly regarded by the Squad, especially as most of us have had the pleasure of doing the hair of the dog at the old brewery in Amsterdam, The Heineken Experience. Red Stripe did have it's followers, but that was back in the day, when compared to the kind of garbage on offer in most pubs , ie Skol and Fosters, it was a tasty and exotic choice. Let battle commence....

Far from Over

Well who would of thought it. With a mere 46 days remaining till the crowning of "Le Grand Buffoon 2009" we have a contest. After his Scottish exploits, the last few weeks were expected to be some what of a procession, as Helmet became the latest recipient of the Le Maillot Jaune. But in a mad moment of sheer stupidity, the reigning champion, the Right Honourable Shoutster, has thrown his hat into the ring. We were all sat in the Villager on Saturday night, enjoying a gallon of post match beer, when the subject of blow jobs arose. In true Shouty style, he announced that his current squeeze, gave the best BJ that he had ever had. It was magnificent he said, and proceeded to articulate just how earth shattering it was. After he finished his eulogy to his birds sucking power, I asked the question, as you do, "Does she swallow or spit?" He looked at me for moment, and then said "I don't cum." There was a brief spell of silence, as myself, Helemt, Crespo, Gary and Mark took this last utterance on board. And then we had a field day. The best blow job ever, and you don't shoot your fat?!?! What a buffoon! we asked if his best Christmas was the one when he got no presents. Or if his favourite holiday was the one where he booked an all inclusive to the Bahamas, went to the airport, and then turned around and went home. Or was his worst shags, the ones when he ejaculated? There were three members present, and it was agreed, pretty much unanimously that this statement was worth six points. But he wouldn't let it lie, and immediately called for an appeal, which was duly heard, considered and rejected in the space of a nano-second. Which meant, as is written down in the Laws of Idiocy, that his points were doubled. Helmet wanted to give him an extra two, for being stupid enough to appeal, but we let him off, although he had a good point. Nobody has ever had a successful appeal. Because nobody has been stupid enough to do it! As if you are going to be let off the hook. This puts a whole new outlook on the table, as we now have joint leaders;

1. Helmet 39 points
2. Shouty 39 points
3. Euro Bri 22 points
4. Funky 22 points
5. Mad Ad 21 points
   
6. Lefty 14 points
   
7. Crespo 14 points
8. Sprocket 9 points
   
9. Pembo 4 points
10. Maffy 4 points
11. Skid 4 points
12. John the Don 4 points
    
13. Dr Shotgun 2 points
14. G Spot 1 point

I am a little worried though, as I haven't figured out a tie breaker yet. Any suggestions will be warmly received.

Battle of the Brews The Final 16

The race for the third spot in the upcoming has been settled, albeit in a manner akin to an Afghanstani presidential election. The final tally of 15 votes for Corona, compared to a solitary poll for Beck's raised the question of ballot stuffing, but the good Doctor Shotgun assures me he had nothing to do with it. Highly unlikely, but hey, I voted for the Cerveza as well. So yet another North American brew makes it through,meaning a three out of three in the race to be crowned "Official Beer of the Bender Squad." Tomorrow, Red Stripe will attempt to make it 4 out of 4 for the New World, as it takes on Heineken.


Love the tag line on the picture. Qualifiers so far:

Rolling Rock
Budweiser
Corona

Das Löwebrüllen!

The international break did the mighty lions the world of good, as the secured their first victory since the opening game, beating Bavarian rivals Greuther Fürth 3-1, in front of 26,000 at the Allianz. After a goalless first half, TSV drew first blood in the 51st minute, before the deadliest Lion of all, King Benny Lauth, rifled in his third of the campaign. Of course, just as all the teams I follow seem to do, 1860 decided to make it an arse clenching finale, giving the opposition a sniff of a draw, letting Fürth score in the last minute of the game, but Ludwig calmed the nerves by replying almost immediately to put the result beyond doubt. The win sees Der Lowen climb to the giddy heights of seventh place, although it is not time to get too excited, as they are only four points ahead of third from bottom. Next up is the lowly placed Aachen, the town formerly favored by Charlemagne, the first emperor of the Holy Roman Empire. They are currently lying fourth from bottom, so will more than likely turn us over.

Bantams 1 Brewers 1

What a day for football. An unseasonably warm day, plenty of money in my back pocket and the beer garden at the Beehive was the perfect location to start the afternoon. Of course the Bantams can take the edge off any day, and Saturday was yet another display that flattered to deceive. The opening exchanges were the usual sleep inducing fayre that we have come to expect, but just before the half hour the Bantams struck, Evans side footing into an open goal. You would have expected them to kick on from this point, as up till now Burton had been poor, but only a couple of smart saves from Eastwood kept City in front at half time. After the break the Bantams pushed to extend their advantage, but poor decision making up front saw promising possession wasted on several occasions, the team trying to play Hollywood passes instead of taking the easy choice. And then they just seemed to run put of steam. All of a sudden all the running was being made the team in yellow, and after one let off, Albion equalised. A sloppy effort, as the rest of the team sauntered back from a failed attack, leaving the central pairing exposed once to often. makes you wonder what kind of fitness training, if any that they undertake through the week. So a rather dull encounter fizzled out to a draw. At the moment we are playing tidy enough stuff, but remain a little to reliant on the big hoof up too Hansen, which is fine, but oh so predictable. Evans, Neilson and Flynn have plenty of running in them, but get the blinkers on when anywhere near the opposition penalty area, time and again they chose to shoot when a pass was the sensible option. Once again, for my money, our best player was Brandon. he always looks for the best pass, and is the most direct running midfielder in the squad. That said, if we can keep up with the pack, as we are currently doing, we should be well placed when Daley makes his comeback, sometime around Christmas.

Kev Watch- Didn't have much contact with him through the game. He was pretty perky, considering he had been on the lash the night before, but Helmet wore him down, and he got downright snappy. But in his defence, Tony does tend to have that effect on folk. scores points for ferrying us all to the pub afterwards. 7/10

Spineless Knob Jockeys Show Backbone

Blimey, I don't think any of us were expecting that. Six goals down inside ten minutes, and six down at the end, as the JMF put together their best display of the 2009 campaign. What made it worse, was the fact that we played well. In fact we have played worse and won, but when you concede such an early advantage, you need to take your chances, and on that front, the mighty Euro boys were found wanting. Badly. Funky put in a hell of a shift between the sticks, but some spectacular sitters were missed by all, in particular the usually efficient Two Scoops, who blazed two open goal opportunities over the bar. This was in sharp contrast to the shirt lifters, King Dave, Luklear and dead Eye helped themselves to a sackful, as chance after chance was spurned at the other end. So we have been pegged back to a two game lead, and as we prepare to enter Autumn, the bushiness end of the season is upon us. Can the MoFo maintain their recent upturn in form? We shall see....

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Dead Eye, Young Gaz, Luklear War and King Dave

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two Scoops, Clogs, Dr Shotgun and Mercenary

2009 Season

JMF wins - 15

Euro Elite - 17

Draws - 2

Buffoon Time

We are now fully into September, and with the closing date for the "Maillot Jaune 2009 in sight (the 31st of October for those unaware), it is time for the latest update. No headway has been made at the top the list, Helmet still holds what would appear to be an insurmountable lead, but there are two new entries. Maffy makes his debut with a four pointer, for not being aware the Stuart McCall was manager of Bradford City, even though he was sat only a good ten metres from him. The other is Skid Adamson, who at Mad Ads wedding, was forced to make a dash for the exit, when his mobile inadvertently began to rang. Alas, for our laid back Lothario, he barged into the door that was locked, and made an even bigger spectacle of himself. Four points. I am also awarding four points to John the Don, because I find it difficult to believe he has not done anything idiotic for twelve months. Another four points. Tony H tried to garner support to issue my good self with a batch of points, but running around a table, carrying the bride lack a sack of coal was only a bit of a lark, and he failed to get the requisite three seconders to have his points issued. The latest table is displayed below.

1. Helmet 39 points
2. Shouty 27 points
3. Euro Bri 22 points
4. Funky 22 points
5. Mad Ad 21 points
   
6. Lefty 14 points
   
7. Crespo 14 points
8. Sprocket 9 points
   
9. Pembo 4 points
10. Maffy 4 points
11. Skid 4 points
12. John the Don 4 points
    
13. Dr Shotgun 2 points
14. G Spot 1 point

Buffoon highlight of Ad's wedding though goes to SammyJ, who did a mean Amy Winehouse impersonation with the band. Right down to being too drunk to remember the words. You gotta love those Jennettas....

WTF are they on!!!!!

I usually hate abbreviated text, but after seeing this advert I have to say "WTF!" Never mind drugs, it appears we have been invaded by some kind of weird owl-human hybrid, who possess super sized saucer eyes! If I'd have been that copper I would have floored my fluorescent jam sandwich, and skedaddled in the opposite direction. Is'nt it typical of our Health Nazis to make such a hysterically funny/useless campaign about the dangers of driving whilst under the influence of an illegal narcotic? I have frequented many a rave /dance club/blues in my time, and I have NEVER come across a set of individuals who looked anything remotely like this cadre of freaks. I reckon I would have remembered, because I would have shit my pants!

Yet another chunk of my tax money, flushed down the toilet.

STOP THE NONSENSE!!

PS Follow this link, to see just how much brass was wasted on this nonsense, and the smug butt holes who seem to think it is the geatest thing since sliced tofu. Oh, they also reveal the computer generated graphics used to make the "Spooky" eyes, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the clip.

PPS They would have got clean away if the dumb blonde in the back hadn't looked out the window.......

Dead Man Walking

Pray tell a moments silence Mad Ad White, who today became the latest casualty to succumb to the evil M.R.S. He had an excellent run, making it past his 37th birthday, before he was finally tracked down, and frog marched down the aisle. I will be attending this sad occasions wake, sorry reception, tonight at the Silsden golf club. Bet he doesn't get as drunk as he did in Edinburgh.... but then again, he has laid claim to the Boy Dazzlers title as the worlds drunkest man. Anyway, I will be in a small area with a gaggle of Jannetta's, one Helmet, a Crespo, Euro and a Skidster, so buffoonery could well be afoot. I shall no doubt be upgrading the Maillot Jaune rankings over the weekend.

Corona v Becks

Corona

Style-Pale Lager

ABV- 4.6%

Price- In a pub, £2.70 a bottle

Brewed at- somewhere in Mexico




Becks

Style- Lager

ABV- 5%

Price- About £2.50 as bottle, in a bar

Brewed at- Most notably Bremen, Germany

Overview
Two contrasting beers. One a slightly effeminate Mexican beer, commonly served with a slice of fruit in it, and the other, a long time favourite of the Greater European binge drinker. Coroana is very much a warm weather drink, served ice cold, it is far more refreshing than it's Teutonic rival, although I would rather be rodgered Texas style with a prickly cactus, than stick a slice of lime in it. Becks, on the other hand, is very much a no nonsense offering. I like it, but it is no where near being my favourite, as I find it a bit dry for my liking. It was originally advertised as only being brewed in Bremen, but since being acquired by the InBev conglomerate, it is now manufactured at several locations. i am pretty sure, however, that all Corona is made in Mexico, although I could be well wide of the mark.

Odds
Becks was the only brand to have two separate varieties make the cut, and is very popular. But Corona also has it's affectionados, and garnered the highest amount of votes, along with Heineken, in the group stages. I have called both of the previous two play offs wrong, so I am going to sit firmly on the fence this time.

Hmmmmmmm.....A Germ of an Idea

It has been two years now since a full blown, all hands on deck Bender Shindig. The 2007 Oktoberfest, to be precise. But I have uncovered something that may be of interest. There are plans afoot to return to the beer El Dorado of Munchen in 2011, but that leaves 2010 free. So gather round, I have a most excellent plan. In September, it appears that there is an annual Belgian beer festival held in Brussells. It just so happens that the Belgian Capitol is served by Eurostar, and from Leeds, we could be there in about five and a half hours. I like the sound of it. Follow this link, to see the official website. It looks a goer to me....

Crikey! That was Close!

At last! We were given a game! A bit of complacency, and a couple of injuries, saw the Righteous nearly defeated by a rejuvenated MoFo. Things have been all Euro, bar one blip, over the summer months, and a lack of urgency creeped into out game tonight, something not helped by our excellent early endeavours. Yes, we didn't open our usual unassailable lead, but everything was well in hand, which may have led us to take our foot of the gas. Combine this with my gammy knee, and Two Scoops piles, it meant the door was left well ajar. And the MoFo, for once, stepped up. With the game meandering towards it's usual denouement, the JMF sprung to life, and took a three goal lead. The tide of Euro attacks were repelled. but an outrageous slice of luck, in every sense of the word occurred, when yours truly sat Dead Eye down, as a misdirected shot flew into the roof of the net. Again, the shirt lifters dragged themselves back into the lead, but with the clock ticking down, and an historic win there for the taking, they froze, and the Mercenary was on hand to dash their hopes. It is hard to pick out anybody as outstanding, every one had their moments, both good and bad, but mention goes out to Clogs, who ran himself into the ground, King Dave, who amazingly didn't let in a goal, and the Funky Messiah, who gave his all, and lead his troops admirably. All to no avail, mind, as a golden opportunity to make inroads to our lead.

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Dead Eye, Dazzling Daz, Luklear War and King Dave

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two Scoops, Clogs, Shouty and Mercenary

2009 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 17

Draws - 2

Dale 1 Bantams 2

What a difference five months make. Last April, Dale thrashed the Bantams 3-0 to put paid to any promotion chances we may have harboured. Now granted, this was the Johnson Paints trophy, and Rochdale had shed a few players since that win, but it was a good performance by the lads, who look like they are starting to gel. It was good to see them roll up their sleeves and dig deep after going behind. First Flynn drove a pile driver through the Dale wall to beat the keeper, and only a few minutes later a deflected Nielson effort caught Rochdale s custodian of his line, and the game was won. The lad who scored the winner looks a definite upgrade over the departed and unlamented Joe Colbeck. Our head down, headless chicken has flown the coop, and will for the next few months be driving the fans of Oldham to distraction with his utter uselessness. It was nice to see a cup win as well, and the Shotgun curse was finally lifted, the good Doctor finally witnessing an away victory. It's not quite time to be getting carried away, I do realise it is a Mickey Mouse cup, but after the dreadful end to last season, light appears to be visible at the end of the tunnel.

Pie Rating- The concession stand and Spotland is a shining beacon of how one should run. There is a queue barrier, manned by a steward to prevent line jumpers. A PINT, not a bottle, of lager is £3, and the pies come in at a recession busting £2. And they are magnificent. So good in fact, that my accomplice and I scarfed two of them.

Steak and Kidney- Just the right temperature, stuffed full of meat, and the most succulent of gravies. The pastry was just about perfect. All for two shiny pound coins. Heaven in a crust. Last years winner will take some beating 9/10

Meat & Potato- I am not the biggest of fans of this variety. I don't really trust a filling that is just called "Meat," but this was an excellent offering, if not quite the equal of the Steak one mentioned above. Plenty of filling, seasoned with pepper, and not suffering the cardinal sin of being watery/soggy in the middle. A solid 8/10

Guest Pie Rating- Comes from the good Dr Shotgun. He stuck to the Meat and Taaty, and scarfed a couple of them. He was a bit disappointed with the first one, it was served at Meltdown temperature, but was redeemed by the secondary one. Served just right, the Professor proclaimed a 7.5/10.

Bantams 2 Seagulls 0

The Bantams opened their home win account with a deserved, if workman like victory. Yet again the opening stages of the game were yawn inducing, but just as I was about to fall into a coma, a free kick was lofted into the box, and young Hanson flicked a header into the far corner to give the Bantams the lead. The second half was a little better, it managed to divert my attention from annoying Kev, but the lads still made hard work of breaking down a dull, but well organized Torquay team. But their endeavours were rewarded in the final minutes, when Brandon latched onto a long through ball, and beat the keeper to round off the scoring, 2-0 to the Mighty Bantams. The game also marked the lively debut of young winger Scott Niellson, a late addition to the squad after signing on from Cambridge City. He replaced the turgid Colebeck with a quarter of an hour left, in what proved to be Joe's final outing in Claret and Amber. He was transferred to Oldham on the final day of the transfer window, so thankfully we will not have to spend another afternoon wondering how the Hell he has made his living as a footballer.

Maffy Watch- Kev was in a grumpy mood (hungover), so this week we have a guest "Watch" victim, I mean candidate. It was Maffy's first visit to a footie game for about twenty years, and it showed. "What are they singing?" he enquired of the fans in the TL Dallas stand. "Stuart McCalls Bradford Army" I informed him. "Why? What's he still got to do with 'owt??" he asked. "He's the manager" I told him. Four Buffoon points. But to be fair, stupid questions apart, he was excellent value. He even joined in with a bit of Crespo baiting. After the quite frankly boring first half, he perked up no end, and said he would try and make it down for the Burton Albion game in a couple of weeks. A good first effort. 6/10

Pie Boycott- Still going strong, although I was starving. I nearly broke, but then I remembered the great Mahatma Gahndi, and figured if he could miss a meal or two, well then, so could I. I next plan on moving my crusade forwards, by getting Crespo to follow suit.

Battle of the Brews The Final 16

Sorry about the lack of action over the last few days, Bank Holiday don't you know, so I am afraid I am way behind. I have a Bantams match to report on, and a new thread that I wanted to launch, among other things, and now Dr Shotgun is on his way to cart me off to Rochdale, my first ever Johnstones Paint game. So football, pies and more beer it is, will try and finally get caught up tomorrow. Speaking of beers, Budweiser, quite surprisingly to my mind, knocked out Leffe to land a spot in the quarter finals. The only good thing about it, is that I get to post this picture that I had saved in case they did. Enjoy.


Quarter Final Line Up

Rolling Rock
Budweiser