Trouble and Strife

Hello once again from the land where everyone complains about the cost of gas, which has reached the dizzy heights of $4.20 a gallon. That works at the princely sum of two pounds a gallon. We should be so lucky. Anyway, later this afternoon I'm off to Detroit to pick up the Elster, and then off to my cousins graduation party, which is a bit gutting, because I won't be able to ogle all the young chicks without getting a slap up the side of the head from the Elster. I am sure the beer will dull the blows. I have however committed one act of slight buffoonery. When you get your cash out of ATM over here, it gives you your money first, then your card, so guess with numpty walked off and left his cared in the cashpoint? That's right, yours truly. But then it even got worse. I figured out which bank it was, and rang them up. "Yes we do have your card sir, you can come and collect it anytime before 5p.m." "Great said I, but can I pick it up on Thursday, as I am in Chicago?" "No sir, if you don't pick it up by the time we close, we will destroy it." Mother fuckers!!! No matter how much I pleaded, begged or reasoned, this jumped up pompous cunt, would not have a bar of it. "I want to speak to a manager" was my final hope. She was out, and I was told to ring back after two o'clock. When I did ring back you know what fuck wits told me? That they had gone ahead and destroyed it anyway. Now I could have gone on a long winded obscene filled rant down the blower, but to what purpose? Just another case of how the world has succumbed to whim on nonsense filled processes and procedure. I am however still in two minds whether or not to deliver a stinky turd through their letterbox, although this being America, it would probably be construed as an act of terrorism, and I could spend the next ten years in an orange jump suit with a car battery connected to my testicles. So I probably won't. Unless I get drunk. Which I probably will. Electrodes through my nads? Sounds like fun.

The Mole is to Wed

I don't know how many of you this concerns, but the Mole, a.k.a Tom has been snared by an evil agent of the nefarious M.R.S., and one of his last jaunts as a free man will be a stag night around the fair city of Dublin, sometime in September. I am up for it, Tom has always been extremely good company, and am looking forward to sinking gallons of the dark stuff. Be gosh, and indeed, be gorrah.

Waterlogged??

News has winged it's way to me from the UK concerning the Wednesday tussle down the Wood. Even though it is indoors, the game was cancelled due to a waterlogged pitch! A hole in the roof apparently. You would think at over 60 quid an hour for the court, that they would be able to maintain the roof, but there you have it. So the score remains at ten a piece for the moment.

Windy City

Hello from the USA, where I have just returned from a bender in Chicago with Big Al and American Frank. I drove up from Ohio, a four and a half hour drive no less, and we got into the Windy City for around noon, just in time for lunch and beer at Hooters. Sheffield doesn't know what it is missing. Chicago always has fit birds in it's Hooters branches, and there were some seriously firm little ass's on display, which always helps the beers flow and the wings taste better. After spending an hour or two admiring the view, we decided to pay up and pop around to an old speakeasy that was frequented by none other than Scarface himself, Al Capone. It was a mint bar, and I had a couple of Weissbeers, followed by some Jever beer imported from Germany. We were feeling no pain by now, and we took off towards Wrigley Field to see the Cubs play the Dodgers, to watch some baseball and sup some beers. There are loads of bars near the ground, and by the time we picked up our tickets I was well greased. I have long wanted to visit this ball park, it is one of the oldest in America, but we picked the coldest May evening in history to go. It was freezing cold, even drinking more beer didn't help, and we only lasted till the fifth inning, as were all wearing light summer clothing. The trip back into town on the overground train was a hoot, I befriended a bunch of girls who thought my accent was cute. Just like me. More beer was drunk in bars to numerous to mention, from little micro breweries(nasty) to local favourites, before finishing thew night off back at the speakeasy, where me and Big Al argued over who was the better defender, John Terry (Al) or Rio Ferdinand (Me). The last word went to the serving wench, who was a big Celtic fan. She agreed with me. I had a shitty little hangover the next morning, compounded by the fact that I had a four hour plus drive ahead of me. Hopefully I will be able to check back in tomorrow and update the five a side scores, if Crespo remembers to send them on to me.

Commando USA

Hey oop, from sunny Tifin, Ohio, USA. The weather is grand, and with it being a public holiday this weekend, I thought I'd check in before I hit the beer. The flight over was OK, but even before I left I wondered if the Elster was still as pleased to see me go as she made out. Now those who know me are aware of my laziness, so I totally trusted my lovely wife to pack for me, as I was busy up to the point of leaving. "Pack light" I told her, but I didn't realise she would take me to my word, as when I opened my case I discovered that there wasn't one single pair of underpants! So I have spent the first couple of days of my trip commando, letting my trusted 10 incher flapping in the breeze. I tell you she packed practically nowt for me. She doesn't come out for another week, but my case was full of her gear. Anyhow, What you gonna do? So apart from buying some new boxers, I have pretty much just been drinking beer, and the like. Am off to Toledo tomorrow to pick up some wheels, and watch the Mudhens, so I should actually have something to say next time.

JMF Defeat Makeshift Elite

It is holiday time, and combined with the Champions League Final between Man Utd and Chelsea, meant there was changes a plenty down the Wood last night. Of the two teams, the nefarious MoFo looked the stronger team, and so it proved. They opened a five goal lead within minutes, and from there on in it was a damage limitation exercise for the Righteous. We even waved the white flag early, as quite a few of the lads wanted to see the second half of the final, and to be honest the game was well and truly decided. Hatchet man Thommo deserves mention for two superlative strikes, one from inside his own half, but the quality of goal keeper needs to be questioned on both. This of course means that the season tally is now all square, and with me trotting off to the states i am relying on Crespo to rally the troops and keep me posted on results while I am out of town. a big thaks goes to the guys who made it five a side at such short notice. Cheers fellas.

Line-ups;

JMF- Lefty, Thommo, Funky, Luklear and Dead Eye

EURO E- Crespo, Meatball, Shouty, Euro Bri and Rocky

2008 Season

• JMF wins -10



• Euro Elite - 10



• Draws - 0

Ou est le Dazzler? Again

Well it looks like I am off to the Windy City minus the Boy Dazzler, who for reasons best known, and probably only known, to himself, has decided to stay in Blighty and flog carpets. It's his call. This isn't the last post before I bugger off, I will try and update the five a side scores before I go, but I will take this opportunity to flag up our annual European adventure. I know we were hoping to take off on a road trip around the Continent, but the credit crunch has taken it's toll, and it will be the usual footie pilgrimage for an extended weekend. Everybody, apart from Shouty, has said they would like a change from Germany, and the request I hear most often is for Milan. I have been told it is not the greatest of party towns, but football pilgrims such as our self, will have to undertake a trip to the San Siro at least once to see either of the football heavyweights Inter or AC. I will wait for the fixture lists to come out before making any firm plans, but the likely month we will go is in September. So start saving now, I don't want any excuses. This doesn't mean we have abandoned the Mighty TSV, by no means, but that could be a seperate trip for the dedicated Lowen fan, i.e. me and Shouty. Depending on when the game falls, my first preference is Hamburg, although with Freiburg being in spitting distance of Basle, we have a worthy backup.

Buffoon of the Year Update

Now then, i figured it may be a good time to see how things are shaping up in the world of buffoonery. Shouty continues a good run, his previous Prune Park Episode, Germany shenanigans, and last but not least the toilet paper incident. Crespo filled me in on this little pearler. It appears after a day out on the lash, the Shoutmeister decided to try his hand at impressing some of the local wenches in Shipley. Unfortunately for him he had some how managed to stick some bog roll to his hand(?), that he didn't notice for ages. Then to compound matters, he couldn't shift the damn thing and proceeded to show it off, as some kind of wondrous trophy to anyone who would listen. I'll give him one thing, he sure knows how to empty a room. It is on the is basis, and an accumulation, that he finally overtakes long time leader the Funky Messiah, who seems to gone off the boil since his Christmas exploits. There is a while to go yet for the current Maillot Jaune incumbent, but Shouty seems to be gaining a head of steam, although he has sworn to go on a time out. I will have to award myself third place at the moment, as the rest of the Squad seem Hell bent on growing old gracefully, although I have got to giver fourth place to El Grande Queso fourth place on the strength of his two casino visits so far this year. Fifth place is the hardest one to judge, as there seems no clear taker. John the Don has gone to ground, and it seems cruel to give it to the Boy Dazzler, whose only misdemeanour seems to be getting as plastered as he always has(although he has lost his wallet and phone on a couple of occasions this year). Tony Helmet has also been keeping a low profile, although I just know it can't last, and Mad Ad is always a couple of beers from performing the spectacular. On the basis of what has gone on so far this year I figure the top five to be the following;

1. Shouty-Can he stop himself, or will his lead be lengthened?
2. The Funky Messiah-Will burgeoning relationship prevent back to back win?
3. Euro Bri-Can he keep upto the young pretenders?
4. El Grande Queso-Casino mayhem, can it continue?
5. The Boy Dazzler-A possible dark horse?

If I have missed out any worthy examples of idiocy please feel free to let me know, as I can't be everywhere at once.

Away Days

My trip to the USA is imminent, so after tonight, this thread will be taking a three to four week hiatus. So with this in mind I have decided this weeks destination will be the one most frequented over the years by myself, which can only mean one venue, the Home of the Mighty Bantams, Valley Parade. It has been renamed the Coral Windows Stadium, as a revenue raiser, but absolutely nobody refers to our home ground as such. My first visit was way back in 1978. a pre-season friendly against W.B.A. a game we lost 1-0 to a goal by a youngster by the name of Bryan Robson (if memory serves, I know he definitely played that night). Back then it was an absolute dump. A big wooden main stand, that caught fire in 1985 killing 56, was surrounded by a crumbling Kop at one end, and a similarly decrepit away end at the other, with a weird little stand that rose no higher than 15 feet running opposite the main stand. Of course the previously mentioned fire resulted in extensive redevelopment, that improved the ground no end, including a roof on the kop for the first time, and a two tier stand replaced the garden shed along Midland Road. Then came the glorious promotion season of 1998/99, which little did we know at the time was the beginning of the downward spiral that eventually returned us broke, to the bottom tier of the English professional league. The seeds were truly sown, when after a miraculous last day reprieve to remain in the top flight, our then chairman, one Geoffry Richmond undertook to redevelop the ground to an all seater stadium of over 25,000, in the mistaken belief we were ready to cement our position in the Premier League. After relegation the following season, and our failure to immediately return, coupled with some ludicrous transfer dealings saw our proud team go into financial meltdown. Two brushes with administration later, we have returned to the division where I first travelled to watch the boys. The club have done a good promotional deal, the cheapest season tickets in England, so match days usually see an attendance of around 13,000, which is better than the previous seasons, when we were lucky to draw 7,000. As for the ground now? It is still close enough to the city centre to have a pint and walk to ground (my personal favourite is the Beehive, a listed Georgian ale house that serves Erdinger on draught), and with the afore mentioned ticket deal, a healthy atmosphere can be found most match days, particularly as there seems to be a surfeit of local teams that always bring a good support. On the down side, the lovely chicken and mushroom pies are long gone, replaced by the God awful Balti. I also miss the Cornish Pasties. As with all grounds in the UK, you cannot drink in your seats, but at least you can be held up for a Carlsberg by a masked highwayman at half time.

Statistics

• Capacity-25,136
  
• Concessions-Average. Symptomatic of what passes for grub at most English grounds. The pies are bland and overpriced, and the stands seem to manned slow moving lobotomised idiots. The beer is cold, but scandalously overpriced. Always double check your change.
  
• Built-1886
• Did You Know?- The movie I.D., a 1995 movie about football hooligans was filmed on the Kop, and if you look really closely, you can spot a certain Patty as an extra in a crowd scene.
  
• Visited By-I can't think of one Bender Squad member who hasn't been at least once.
  
• Rating-Field of Dreams-I may be being a little bit generous with my rating, it is my team, but not even the most one eyed supporter could make a case for a higher rating. It is close to town, and a derby game between either Huddersfield Town or Leeds United does give the ground a lively atmosphere. It feels like a proper ground, and that can't be said for a lot of the anti-septic out of town grounds I have visited on my travels.

Is it Monday Already??

Another FA Cup final is etched into the history books, and a fair old booze up was had. A good turnout met up in Lloyds bar, but we never made it to the Queens, as JohnnyM was in full on whinge mode. First we tried the Varsity, who couldn't get a signal on BBC 1, so we headed up to the BamBooza, which wasn't even open. Last stop was the Walkabout Australian theme bar, complete with the aroma of stale piss. JohnnyM has had his bar choosing rights revoked. So we watched the game drinking pissy Ozzie lager, with the aroma of urine wafting around us. The game was so-so, Lobon won his taxi fare home, having picked Kanu to score first at odds of 7-1. We marched off back to Lloyds at the final whistle, before descending on Guiseppe's, who horror of horrors had run out of meatballs. We sank a couple of Peroni's, and after a quick Subway pitched up at the City Vaults, were the pace began to take it's toll. KC, who had come over from Castleford was first to set off home, but nearly got in a scrap on the platform at Forster Square. I went round to see if he was alright, and found that there were no trains to Leeds. I walked him across town to the Interchange, and off he went, nearly getting in a fight with same geezer on his way to Leeds. For the rest of us, we were pretty ratted by now, and once again found ourselves back in Lloyds(the choice of bars in Bradford city centre is truly pitiful), where everything gets a bit hazy. I remember seeing Simon and the Boy Dazzler, and Queso having the great idea of going to the casino. My memory then goes blank, until I found myself eating a burger in said casino, with Stevie ordering a bottle of Champagne. Neither of us had much luck. But what of any buffoonery, I hear you ask? Well with the two front runners absent, Shouty was looking after his kids and Funky was doing God knows what, there was an opening for a rank outsider to set out his stall, and one did. Step forward El Grande Queso. As our luck went south as fast as our sobriety, Stevie stepped up to the plate. First off he ordered a big steak dinner, and then proceeded to eat it with all the gusto of a feral toddler. I admit to helping him out on this score, picking it up with bare hands taking a bite, and generally making a spectacle of ourselves. This of course raised the awareness of a passing bouncer, who asked us to settle down. Queso took great offence to this, and began his infamous "Don't you know who I am?" rant, and demanded the poor fellows name to get him fired. This seemed to perplex our burly assailant, who then called in reinforcements. I suddenly had a moment of lucidity, and began to Shepard Mr Queso to the door, with two large geezers in hot pursuit. This didn't stop his rant all the way up the stairs, but we managed to clear the building without coming to any harm. The next hurdle to be cleared was the taxi home. But we had lost almost all of our money, and the local Hackney Carriages wouldn't take us without money up front. As Stevie argued with the drivers, refusing to get out his cab at one point, I decided to lay on the pavement and have a rest. After a few minutes I had a brain wave, and ran Girlington taxis, who I use regularly, and always seem to take pity upon me in my hour of need. They arrived, and me and Queso managed to cobble together enough to get home. I did get a call the next morning from Stevie, he had lost his mobile, thereby sealing his place as buffoon of the evening, for now at least, as I have no idea what the rest got up to. One thing is for sure though. We need to find an alternative venue to Bradford town centre, it sucks.

Bender Time

Hello, it's not often I post on Saturdays, the night before usually means tapping keyboard keys makes my hangover worse, but as its FA Cup Final bender day, I thought I'd break the habit. It was only me and G-Spot out last night, and I called it quits after six pints, just enough to prime the old liver for the assault it is about to experience. I aim to be in the Centenary Square quaffing lager for one o'clock, but watching the game al fresco may be out of the question, as it's cool and overcast in the Bradford metropolitan district at the moment, and even the weather geezer recons on it raining. My first choice if we are rained out is Jacob's Well, but the Queens will probably offer a better alternative (two big screens and a bigger bar). My predictions for the game? I can't see the sheep shaggers winning, although they should be capable of a goal, so I figure 3-1 to Pompey. It is worth a fiver, and I am having Krancjar as first goal, and will be sticking a couple of quid on a 50-1 outsider to find the net first. After that it is meatball and Peroni time and a slippery slope to oblivion. I am only taking my phone out, so I will try and get a few pics to post on Monday.

What the F@$K!!!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Prince Randian lights a cigarette (

Found the scene where the Human Torso lights a cigarette in Freaks. Apparently his real name was Prince Randian. and according to Wiki even got married and had some kids, but never once had a wank..

Away Days

This week we once again venture across the English Channel to visit the home of one of the continents most famous and celebrated sides. It just so happens to be in one of the worlds great bender destinations, Amsterdam, home to Ajax. John the Don managed to score us some tickets to the pre-season tournament that happened to be on the same weekend we were there for the Funky Messiahs stag do. All of us had tickets for the game on Sunday, versus Arsenal, but after two days of beer drinking till dawn, meant the actual numbers who traveled to the ground were at least half of the ones meant to go. C'est la vie. Anyway, as it is a prestige curtain raiser to the upcoming season, the game was a sell out. The hotel we use as our local HQ is nearby the Metro system that shuttles you out to the ground, but even better is right next to an Ajax supporters bar festooned with memorabilia from the early seventies, and is run by a magnificently moustached fan who showed us pictures of himself holding the European Cup. Suitably refreshed by plenty of Heineken's, we set off to the stadium, which, surprise, surprise is out of the city centre in a purpose built area. Some effort had been made to create a buzz outside the arena, the club bar is massive, and there was a couple of beer wagons spread around the joint, which is just as well, cause they serve a God awful non alcoholic abomination inside the ground. The guy at the hotel told me it was like drinking canal water, and he had a good point. They also run one of these stupid Arena card systems where you have to buy a pre-paid card to purchase grub. What is wrong with cold hard cash? The game itself was a dull pre season offering, although the crowd did try to liven things up, and booed Van Persie every time he touched the ball, him being a former Feynoord player if I am not mistaken. Nil nil was the final score, and we took of back to town. The Metro lurched forward and I went flying, my hand landing in the lap o0ff the geezer behind me, just as we were discussing Shoutys love of the Cock Ring. How embarrassing. At the airport on the way home, there were celebrity footballers, managers and pundits everywhere. We all got a wave off former Bantams manger Chris Kamara, but King Dave scooped the prize sighting, getting a hello out of the then England manager Sven Goran Eriksson himself.

Statistics

• Capacity-51,628
  
• Concessions-Poor. Had to queue up to get stupid ArenA card, then found out all they had on offer were foil wrapped burgers and chips with mayo. Don't even think about trying the non alcoholic shit they try to pass off as beer.
  
• Built-1996
• Did You Know?-Hosts a massive dance event called Sensation White were 40,000 wear white and get off their heads. Only in Holland.
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, John the Don, King Dave, Lobon, Gster, Dutch and Two Scoops
  
• Rating-Field of Dreams-I would like to see a competitive game here, it would possibly improve rating, as it was a piss poor friendly that we went to see. It is an impressive structure, a retractable roof, not a bad seat in the house and a massive screen at either end for replays and the like, but still lacked a certain something. Also suffers from the out of town curse that infests the modern thinking behind new stadia. Stay away from the food stalls.

Screw the Champagne

Throughout Europe, the football season draws to a close. Some teams are relegated, most finish nowhere, and the select few get to celebrate Championships, Cup wins and Promotions. I have already reported on the good fortune that befell the Shoutster, as he was visiting a mate in Basle on the weekend they claimed the Swiss title. But was he really that lucky? Three weeks ago myself and the Right Honourable were in Cologne, and if we would have visited this last weekend instead we would have been in town to see the local footie team, 1 FC Koln, clinch promotion back into the Bundesliga. Imagine how his alter ego, the Kolschinater would have enjoyed celebrating with a team that eschews the traditional Champagne for a more familiar brew.....

Sunny Season Fianle

I managed to drag Crespo off his couch, and met up with Mossy, Dazzler, Tony and Simon to watch the Red Devils seal there 10th Premier League title, and 17th championship over all.It was a so so game, and at the end of the match we bid farewell to Tony and Mossy and headed off to Centenary Square to get drunk. The weather was grand, but I broke my don't argue with Simon rule, as he dished up his usual bolloxs. He still will not be shaken in his belief that you can see Lincoln Cathedral from Queensbury on a sunny day. I cant really remember much of the arse he was talking, as the heat and copious amounts of beer took their toll. I trundled off at around half eight to the all you can eat Chinese buffet, and was asleep on the sofa for nine thirty. Getting old sucks.

Swiss Shouty

The Shoutster should be on his way home now, as mentioned earlier he couldn't make it to Munich, but his football adventure was not over. The lucky blighter was fortunate to be in town as FC Basel defeated Young Boys(?) of Berne 2-0 to wrap up the Swiss title. I got a phone call from the Kolschinater around midnight, as he partied with the local fans. He sound like he was having a ball, and proceeded to tell me foreign correspondent style what was going on, and how much I would have loved it. Talk about rubbing it in, the wanker. The good news is, he has found us a base in Switzerland, which is just on the German border, not far from Freiburg, whose local team just happen to play in the same division as the Mighty 1860 of Munich. We await next seasons fixture list with the germ of a plan forming. I was also informed by Dr Shotgun, that we also have a base in Tuscany to use for one of our football shindigs. Yes Alfie, I wasn't drunk enough to forget your generous offer. Milan is to far to travel, but the Viola of Fiorentina is just down the way. Again the germ of an idea has been planted. We also have decided, neigh vowed, to get to more away games next season, and follow the Bantams up and down the land. Anyway enough of that for now. I have a long planned for trip to the good ole USA approaching rapidly on the horizon. Big Al, the Boy Dazzler, American Frank and myself are taking off for an overnighter to watch the Cubbies in Chicago, and I plan on taking the bambinos to see the Tribe at the Jake before I return as well, so all footie pilgrimages are on hold till after this jaunt. I leave you with a few pictures of the mayhem that brother Shouty got to sample over the weekend as the locals went wild in Basle.

Nein to Munchen

The Shoutster was unable to make Munich on his jaunt, but was there for the celebrations as FC Basle claimed the Swiss title. I got a garbled message from the Shoutster who was in the middle of said celebrations, and I have received a photo message that I can't get. If you are reading this Paul, please try and re-send. This afternoon, me and Crespo are hooking up with Dazzler and Mossy to watch the finale to the English Premier league at the Lord Clyde. See you Monday.

FA Cup Final Day- A Plan Comes Together

Right this is the plan. Meeting point, Lloyds bar in Centenary Square between 12:30 and 14:00. Bookies to lay bets on the imminent match. Queens, next to Interchange, for the game. On to Bookies to claim winnings(fingers crossed). Next stop, Giuseppe's, for Peroni and Meatballs. Next stop, City Vaults, to discuss whence we shall continue our Bender. The rest shall remain in the lap of the God's. Hope to see you there.

Jealous

Well two squad members have taken off on European jaunts this weekend. Brother Funky is off to the Czech capitol of Prague for a weekend of hedonistic pursuit, but the one I am really jealous of is Der Kolschinater, who is off to the Swiss city of Basle for five days. Whats the big deal I hear you say? Well it seems he is off to Munich to watch Der Lowen play VFL Osnabruk at the Allianz, the spawny wanker. The good news is he will be getting me a new retro shirt, after the one I wore to the Monchengladbach game seems to have been stained with a substance that looks suspiciously like vomit. Hurrah! With the football season throughout Europe now drawing to a close, it is time to await the new fixture lists for next season. Not wanting to wish away the summer, but I am keen on visiting Brentford to watch the Bantams, and Hamburg to watch TSV take on St Pauli. The usual suspects are more than welcome, plus, if everybody can sort out there own plane tickets, maybe, just maybe, a return outing to the Oktoberfest in 2009.

Bollox!!

For those of you who either live or have had the pleasure of driving around the fine city of Bradford, you will have noticed how everybody pays absolutely no attention to parking restrictions and dump their vehicle pretty much were they feel like, and seem to go unpunished. So imagine my disbelief, when I got a ticket for parking in a Hackney Carriage Taxi Stand. I left my vehicle there at around 17:45 to go into Whetherspoons for something to eat(honest!), and returned at 18:30 to a fixed penalty notice attached to my windscreen. I had the misfortune not to notice a sign that said my parking spot became a taxi rank at 18:00, and there was a £50 fine for any thing other than a taxi waiting there. Bollox!! The ticket said if I pitched up within seven days of receiving said ticket, they would half the penalty to £25. So earlier today I went down to the local Hackney Carriage office to pay the fine before it went up to the full amount. Just my luck it was full of taxi drivers who proceeded to take great joy in taking the piss out of me when they found out why I was there. Bolloxs!! I must be the unluckiest driver in town....

Freaks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like I am going to be knackered at work tomorrow, as I have just stumbled across the legendary film Freaks on TCM. This 1932 horror movie was banned in the UK for over thirty years, as it featured real deformed sideshow freaks. It even boasted the tag line "Can a full grown women truly love a midget?" on its promotional posters. Not to give to much of the plot away, but it concerns a trapeze artist who pursues a midget who has landed a large inheritance, and her eventual comeuppance. The most bizarre character is the "Human Torso", who with no arms or legs, manages to light up and smoke a cigarette only using his tongue. It has to be seen to be believed..

All Change as JMF Sucumb by Six

Before I get to this weeks game, news of changes to the regular line ups. Young Gaz has very graciously given up his permanent spot to Crespo, who due to work commitments can only play on Wednesdays. Because of this a spot in platoon with the Mercenary needed filling, so it is a big welcome back to the fold for Dr Shotgun. Yoiung Gaz has not been written off though, and has become first reserve for anybody who can't make it.

So on to the game. Luklear was missing, so Young Gaz donned a red jersey for the first time in ages to confront his former team mates. It was first out of the blocks to the evil fudge packers, who opened a three goal lead almost immediately, after sloppy play from myself and JohnnyM, but before the first keeper change it was all square, as Shoutydinho and Shotgun began to find space upfront. The next half hour saw the lead change hands on three or four occasions, before the Shoutster hit a purple patch, and rammed in four goals to give the Righteous a lead they would not relinquish, eventually securing a six goal win. Shouty was every where, and was for me man of the match, although he was closley run to this accolade by the good Doctor, who was excellent on his return to the fold. The cock munchers walked off the court in silence.

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyou Shhutt Uppp!!!!

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Funky, Dead Eye and King Dave

EURO E- Crespo, Dr Shotgun, Shouty, Euro Bri and JohnnyM

2008 Season

• JMF wins -8



• Euro Elite - 10



• Draws - 0

Dream Team- A Final Update

Well there is only one week left of the Premier League season left, the Champions League final and the FA Cup final, and barring a couple of Joe Cole hat tricks, rookie sensation Big JB looks like winning the annual Bender Squad fantasy football challenge at the first attempt. I led for ages, at one point handsomely, but faded like Arsenal, as the Funky Messiah finally found his best team late on, a la Chelsea. But nether of were prepared for JB, whose shrewd transfer window purchase of Roque Santa Cruz seems to have pushed him to the title. Me and Paul still have an outside chance of wrestling victory from him, but John holds all the aces. The wooden spoon would also appear to be heading to a surprise destination. Although he boasts three teams in the top three, the Funky one props up the table, being beat by a woman no less. Will post the final positions in a couple of weeks, and will be reminding everyone to sign up for next season.

Away Days

After visiting a couple of vast monuments to sport, this week we return to the grass roots level. It was our first away trip of the 2007/08 season, and on a beautiful Friday night in late summer, we piled into Crespos motor and took off to the Cathedral city of Lincoln. The Bantams and the Imps share a bond, Lincoln City were the visitors the day of the main stand at Valley Parade caught fire, claiming the lives of 56 fans, and it was the first meeting since that sad day. A minutes silence was religiously observed prior to kick off, and considering it was a Friday night, it was a healthy crowd. Sincil Bank is a little bit odd, as we the away fans weren't seated at one end, but side on, and it was a pretty good view. The turnout was great, and after going a goal down, we fought back to equalise through Big Dave Nbungo. The away support got right behind the lads, and when Joe Colbeck scored the winner, the place went daft. As a stadium it is very much of its division, but that lends it a certain charm. It didn't prevent Crespo singing the "My garden Shed Song" at every opportunity. The ground is a little bit out of the town centre, and not the easiest to find (although we were pretty drunk on arrival, which didn't really help), but there seemed to be enough pubs within walking distance. Strangely they all seemed to have a couple of coppers outside them. I haven't seen such a high police presence since we visited Scunthorpe, must be a Lincolnshire thing. We had a few beers before heading off back to Bradford, when we got spectacularly lost and I blew the rankest farts ever. A champion night indeed.

Statistics

• Capacity-10,127
  
• Concessions-Was a bit fresh, so cant remember if they served beer or not. The food though was delicious. Pies, burgers and the mighty Licolnshire sausage sandwich, my winner as best tasted ground grub 2007/8. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
  
• Built-1895
• Did You Know?-The Stacey West stand was named in memory of two fans who died in the Valley Parade fire of 1985.
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, Crespo, The Boy Dazzler and Mossy
  
• Rating-Park Pitch-I know Crespo would say garden shed, but it has a definite charm, is situated near the town centre and has killer sausage. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

FA Cup final Day

Sorry about the lack of action on this site over the last few days, but I have been on the beer all weekend, and I am feeling a little fragile right now. Was in Leeds all day yesterday, and then caught a bus that should have been a train, to see Crespo, Shouty, Flukey and OMB in Shipley. They were even drunker than I was, in particular the Kolschinater, who threw a bit of a wobbler, and took himself off. Crespo must have been out late as well, he didn't make football the next morning. I did, and it was murder. Spent the rest of the afternoon on Le Sofa. Anyway, back to the cup final on the 17th of May. I figure to meet in Lloyds bar in town, then watch the game at the old fail safe that is the Queens. Shouty has finally come up with a venue in Shipley, namely the Branch, so we will hold a straw poll to see which pub gets our business. Will catch up more tomorrow.