Gender or Bender?? Amsterdam

Hey you crashzy English Mother Fuckersshhhs, this week we are in one of Europes favourite party towns Amsterdam. This is a place I have visited many times, three stag nights alone, even though I don't smoke draw, and am far to tight to pay for a shag. So what of the capitol of the Netherlands? Is it a place for debauchery and hedonism with the lads, or a nice place to rekindle the flames of passion with 'er indoors? I suspect you are all ware of the final outcome, but here goes..

Price- Like any main city on the continent, it's going to be more expensive than Bradford, but considering that it is a seriously popular destination, it ain't that bad. Yes some places can charge way over the odds, but on the whole not too bad. The euro has caught the pound up since my last sojourn, but if I figure it compared to my recent trip to Ireland, it still shades Dublin on price. Because it is quite a compact town, getting around by Shanks Pony (walking for those under 30) is easy enough, which is just as well, as the Taxis are all Mercs and Beamers for a reason. For those who are single, and in the interest of science, the last time I went a jump was around 50 euros. Also, they do not do it for free, a rubbing your penis up against the window cuts no ice either. For those of you on a tight budget, wank booths are a cheap alternative to hotels, comfy and warm, just make sure you are in a 24 hour one, or they come and wake you up at closing time. Highly embarrassing if you wake up with your trolleys around your ankles and your limp pecker in your hand. If you want to experience something truly Amsterdam, I recommend the Banana Bar, but if you have rocked into town with the missus, give it a miss. 4/10

People- They are seriously tall. And speak English, almost to a man, in that cool as fuck Martin Jol kinda way. The locals are pretty cool people, unless they are on a bicycle, at wich point they seem turn into knob heads. Of course, the place is known for it's laid back vibe, and it doesn't disappoint. It seems if you want to do something, that isn't going to harm anybody else, they pretty much let you get on with it. There are always some, shall we say, interesting sights around and a bout. The only thing the place really loses out on, is the number of skankers that are around. If you haven't been ripped off once, you haven't really been. 9/10

Stuff- Hard to fault the place on this one. From window shopping and Sex shows, to the highest of high art (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Van Dyck), there is something to cater for every taste. For football fans there is Ajax (don't drink the beer inside the stadium, it is alcohol free wank), which boast a fine state of the art stadium. There are canal tours, the Ann Frank house, canals, smoke shops, the Heineken tour or just sitting out on the Leidseplein with a cold beer watching the world go by. A seriously cool place to spend a long weekend. 10/10

Reputation- It has an excellent/terrible reputation, dependant on wether you piss standing up or sitting down. If I said I was to organise a trip, the uptake would be large and immediate. Too immediate. Everyone always says "Yes" straight away, but then have to break it to their other half, which has been the down fall for more than a few fellas. You say you are up for it, your name is put down, but you haven't said anything to the trouble and strife. You try and figure out an easy way to break the news, but end up doing it drunk, and all Hell breaks loose. She says you are only going for one thing, and that you don't love her. You say it's such and suchs stag do, and you have to go. She asks who's going, you say a couple of names. She says "I bet thank wanker Brians going" you say yeas, and the game is up. Of course, quite a few of you have a sturdy pair of testicles, so the scenario I have just recorded doesn't apply to all. Which is good, because it would be a bit boring going on my lonesome. 10/10

Intrigue- Everybody loves Amsters. I have been numerous times, more often than I have been to Leeds or York over the last decade, and love the place big time. All tastes are catered for, I know because I have been with the lads, and also gone with a bird. If you can tie a trip to coincide with Koninginnedag, known in English as Queens Day, which is around the 30th of April. A massive street party, they close the centre to all traffic, it rumbles on into the small hours of the next morning. Everybody wears orange, and gets pissed. Crasshzy. 10/10

Verdict-Take the wife by all means, you will have a great time. Particularly if you are partial to a bit of swinging. Otherwise this is lad heaven. A one hour flight, everyone speak Anglais, it's not Bradford, the birds are fit and so on. Some folk complain about the smell, and tourist traps, and that it isn't that seedy, but my suspicion is these are the kind of people who would complain if they won the lottery. If you haven't been before, why not?

43/50 Flying sex toys, with the boys..............BENDER