No Steak Waving

Two out of three ain't bad. A Meat Loaf song? No, me and El Grande Queso, went to a casino, along with the Shoutster, and actually left winners. I figure I pocketed about £120, and the Grand Fromage was in the £300 region. Poor Shouty was in the hole, but not massively. To be on the safe side though, we celebrated with cheese sarnies, as the are considered to be wave proof, unlike prime sirloin, which is ideal for shaking back and forth at members of staff. The pickles were seriously sour tasting. It took two hours for my face to become unpuckered. In fact I hold the is food item responsible for my inept showing at five a side the following night. It has nothing to do with me rolling home at 5:45 in the morning.

Bag of Shite

That is exactly what we were last night, as the rampant Gaylords of the JMF, stuffed us like a they stuff rent boys. We were awful from the start, down by five goals in no time, and not even managing to to breach the nets guarded by King Dave. It was all down hill from there. Funky took out Shouty, I repaid the favour, and words were exchanged, before I head butted him. I still feel bad about it now, and apologise profusely. I blame all those Premier League players for being such poor role models. You would of thought this would have stirred us into action, but we just stunk worse. If you take away the goals scored by Clogs, we would have managed just a solitary score. My largess a few weeks ago, in letting the evil female dodgers claim victory when Crespo had to retire injured, looks a bit premature now, as I figured to have the 2008 title sewn up, but here we are with only three games left, and a mere two games ahead.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky, Lukelear, King Dave and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Mercenary

2008 Season

• JMF wins -22



• Euro Elite - 24



• Draws - 0

Bantams 3 Spirerites 2

Who'd have thought it. Two nil down in twenty minutes, and all over the place. Shouty even said "If it gets to four nil should we get off to the pub?" and it seemed plausible. Matt Clarke was having a nightmare at the back, the Chesterfield strikers seeming to go past him at will, and we looked finished. But just 6 minutes after conceding the second goal, Lee strode forward to bury an exquisite free kick into the top corner. It gave City the lift that was required, and unbelievably, ten minutes later it was all square, Boulding heading home from a Nicky Law cross. The second half opened well, we were in charge now, and when on the three quarter mark, Law was upended in the penalty area, all seemed well. The Spirerites defender was sent for an early bath, and "Super" Barry Conlon dispatched the penalty. Of course, with ten men we should have seen the game through to an easy conclusion, but it was all hands on deck for the last five minutes, Evans pulling off another great save to deny an equaliser. Three more points, and up to second place.

Baz Watch- Played the whole game, and was in vintages Conlon form. He put himself about upfront, the usual mix of deft flick ons, and woefully timed headers, but he truly came into his own in the second half. It was the Bazmeister who sealed the victory, with a cheekily chipped penalty, which also marked his 100th league goal. He set up what looked a perfectly legitimate goal for Thorne, but was judged, harshly in my opinion, to have been off side. He was even singled out as man of the match, by the stadium announcer, which I thought was a little too much. I thought Boulding probably shaded it. Big up to Baz though, and congrats on the one hundredth goal. 8/10

There is no pie rating for this game, as no one who hasn't featured before, tried one. Maybe next time.

Lowen Sink Rostock

It doesn't happen often, but this weekend, both the Bantams and der Lowen won. TSV won by the only goal, a Benny Lauth effort, away to Rostock, to halt a two game losing streak. They are now sitting in eighth place, six points off the promotion places. Next week it is SV Wehen Wiesbaden (?) who visit the Allianz. With only two more games before the Bundesliga takes it's winter break, which lasts a month, it would be nice to see Der Lowen close the gap, making way for a promotion push in the new year. Our trip to see them is up in the air at the moment, every bodies finances are a cause for concern, but where there is a will, there is a way.

Life Begins for Dead Eye

We stuck to the path, and gave the Slaughtered Lamb a wide berth, as we ventured into the wilds of Sutton, on the fringes of the Yorkshire Dales for Dead Eyes fortieth birthday bash. Me and Crespo were feeling no pain when we arrived, a combination of little food, and loads of lager, meant we were wobbling long before the Mercenary collected us, plus the lovely Helen from the Prune Park. We rang loads of Taxi firms, till we found one that didn't know where Sutton was, and agreed a price of £15 to take us there, a mistake I will wager they don't make again. Nobody else would it for less than twenty five knicker. Lobon and the equally lovely Knock were already at the bar when we got there, and the binge drinking got under way. Crespo tried to wind up the Mercenary most of the evening about Leeds, but was in no fit state get him to bite. The ladies embarked on a Tequila binge, even managing to get Crespo to drink one, which he nearly left on the carpet. Of course, this being a fortieth birthday bash, there was music, this time in the form of a very good, if a bit wrinkly, band, who belted out some old T Rex tunes. Of course, being full to the brim with fizzy lager, and groovy music playing, I totally lost track of the fact I am rapidly approaching my 41st year and hit the floor, getting down to some serious "Bad Dad" dancing. Kids dived for cover, as I did my customary grooving, much to the mirth of those around me. But it must have some weird hypnotic power, as I was joined by the two lovelies I mentioned earlier. Thankfully Lobon and Mercenary couldn't work out the video function on my camera, and only one blurry picture is proof of my funky ass moves. We somehow managed to find another taxi driver to get us home, this time for £20, and I went back to Crespos for beers. He went straight to bed, bless him, and I stayed up to dazzle his other half with my wit and wisdom, only to find that half way through one of my scintillating anecdotes, that she had fallen asleep. I made my way to the spare room, and succumbed to my drunken stupor. Growing old disgracefully rules.

Millers 0 Bantams 2

First up the match. It was colder than a penguins chuff, and the first half did little to warm the cockles, as I felt City were lucky to make into the changing room all square. It seemed only a matter of time, as the Millers seemed to get crosses in at will during one spell, only for their strikers to continually miss the target. McCall must have torn the side a new arsehole at half time, and we dominated the first ten minutes. But yet again, we let them back into the game. With a quarter of an hour to go, any City fan in the ground, with the possible exception of Charlie, would have settled for a draw. But that was not on the mind of the impressive O'Brien. Having put in yet another valiant display, he broke forward, the Rotherham defence backing off, till he reached the edge of the opposition penalty area, unleashing a cutler past the keeper. minutes later Evans pulled off a wonder save, I have seen it on the Virgin Media site as we were so far away from the action, and Daley broke out, starting a move that saw Nicky Law plant a shot past the keeper ( I thought it was Boulding at the time, it was that far away) to tie up the game. I thought the Rotherham keeper should have saved it, but they all count. Three points mugged, but come the end of the season who will care. Bring on the Spireites.



Baz Watch- Our shiny domed hero came on as a 70th minute sub, the crowd chanting his name as he burst forth from the dug out. He wasn't to continue his recent goal scoring form, but did give us a moment of pure Barry magic. The ball was played into the left sided channel, where Bazza had shaken off his marker, and was in a flat out sprint to try and stop the ball going into touch. As he came towards the ball, he leaped up, back heeled thin air, and was taken out by a sniper somewhere in the stands, as he went sprawling. Pure Conlon. 5/10

Pie Rating- A good choice of Pukka pies. Cheese and Onion (for the limp wristed veggies), Balti, Steak and Kidney and my choice, Meat and Potato. Which made me think "Why do they call it Meat and Potato? Are they some how ashamed of the meat substance in it? Is it Bulls balls, or pig anus or something?" A thought I will ponder another day. The pie was £2.50, which is pretty much par for the course, but the temperature of it was perfect. Hot enough to warm you up with out melting your tongue. It was full of meaty stuff, and spuds, and the pastry was nice and flaky. Points are however withdrawn for the choice of sauce. Ketchup is all fine and dandy for chips, or even a chicken and mushroom pie, but a good old M&P screams out for brown sauce. The nearest they had? Barbecue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the Fuck!!!!!!! Weirdos. This was the only fault I could find though, so it gets a high mark of 8/10. Sorry about the picture, I forgot to take a photo till after I ate it, and couldn't be arsed queuing for another.

Is there a colder place in Britain, than an open air athletics stadium, on a freezing cold November night? There can't be many. To top it all, it is surrounded by a running track, so the action takes place miles form the stands. A fine place to watch a bunch of drug fuelled fellas wearing Lycra body suits, but a shite venue for football. Because it is a big open bowl, only one side of the place has any fans, leaving massive open spaces all around. For those of you old enough to remember, it reminded me of those old Communist style arenas that you used to see in the seventies. Ugly beyond belief.

Statistics

• Capacity-25,000
  
• Concessions-The only good thing about the place. It is indoors, heated, and serves beer pies, and hot dogs. I have given them the benefit of the doubt on service, as I don't think thwey expected around 2,000 people to brave the freezing weather.
  
• Built-1990, although it must have been copied off a Soviet blueprint from 1973
  
• Did You Know?- It is the shittest place I have ever seen a football game.
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri and Crespo
  
• Rating- Garden Shed. It may be the finest athletics arena in the land, but as a footie stadium it sucks cock.

Too Clever by Half

Yarrggghhh, ye scallop baiting chowder heads, it be seemin' that me treasure is getting to easy to be winnin'. McG-Spot figured right that I be munchin McMuffins in McDublin, on the McEmerald Isle. This week be a devlish offering fer ye. I will be needin' the exact location, if ye figure to be escaping with a victory doubloon. I be sure the country be easy to figure, so that is why I be wanting the address. So fer a golden coin, can ye be guessin';

Where be McEuroooooo??

Co-Op Bound

Guess whop is back at the Co-Op? Dangerous Pete is newly arrived back in Blighty, and having to work off some of his debt, working back at his former employer. Seems like ages since he's been gone. The lads had a great time, and even acquired himself a girlfriend, but as is always the case when you return home after all that fun, a little sad to be here. He filled me in on the many aspects of his trip. He discovered, as most people do, that Australians are possibly the dullest folk on the planet. He turned me green with envy, when he was in Vegas he stayed at the Hooters Casino, and told many a tale of fun and buffoonery. I would also like to extend a warm welcome to the Munich Club, when he fessed up to "Sharting" his pants whilst on the razz. My suspicion is there are more members of this club that are shying of coming forward. He was however distraught to find that his trademark head wear, the bobble hat with ear covers and and dangly pom poms, has been appropriated by the chav underclass of Bradford. He will not be wearing one any time soon.

Welcome Home Pete...

Scuppered by Last Minute Sub

By 'eck, we are making hard work of this. For the first time in three weeks, we had ten players, but a last minute replacement for Queen Jamon tipped the balance. He set off at a right old lick, and before we knew it we were six goals in the hole. A herculean effort saw us pull level, but an out of sorts and a profligate lefty were to much of a burden to bear. With the game finely balanced, Lefty let in a soft strike to forsake our lead, and the game was up. We tried our best, but a lack of composure in front of goal led to our down fall. Young Gaz swept in a quick couple, and Luklear buried another at the death, as we fell to a three goal defeat against the rampant Homo's of the JMF. Not wishing to blow my own trumpet, I was of course fucking brilliant, but in my own estimation, I pulled off probably the greatest save in Wood history, to repel the Blond Bomber who was filling in for Jamon. He hit a swerever, flying at the speed of light towards the bottom right hand corner. Seeing it late, I sprang cat like, fully parallel to the floor, clawing it around the post, just as the MoFo were preparing to celebrate a goal. Gordon Banks eat your heart out. Of course seconds later, Funky hit one straight at me, which I some how manged to rebound into my own goal off my face. Speaking off which, I have found a cure for a stuffed up nose. Place ones face immediately in front of football moving at cannon ball speeds. Hey Presto! Not only is snot removed, but fragments of bone and blood. It still hurts now. So three up with four to go, as the limp wrists cling on.


Line-ups;

JMF- The Blonde Bomber, Funky, Lukelear, King Dave and Young Gaz

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Lefty, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -21



• Euro Elite - 24



• Draws - 0

Still Feeling Lazy...

Apologies for the lack of action, I am still suffering from a chronic bout of extreme idleness. It doesn't help that nowt exciting has been happening, but that could all be about to change. Another "Away Day" is on the horizon, this time to Sheffield to watch the Millers of Rotherham take on the Bantams, followed in the evening by a trip into sheep worrying country for Dead Eyes fortieth bash. I will remember to stick to the path. This is closely followed by a home game against the Spirerites, my own birthday celebration following on at the Casino. After this, we begin to get into Xmas party season, we haven't decided on a date or venue for this years Squad bash. On top of this there is the trip to London, and on the 28th of December, Shoutys Saltaire Posse's annual Otleyfest. Spicy soup ahoy!!

That's about it on the Bender front, just a quick update on Der Lowen, who after a seven game unbeaten run, have now lost consecutive games by the score of 1-0. Only a few weeks to the German winter break, it would be nice if they could put a bit of a streak together. I am probably ordering some stuff off the official site for Christmas, so if anybody wants to share the shipping cost let me know.

Another Fiasco

Didn't get the numbers right again, all this chopping and changing is not easy to keep up with, so four heroic Euros boys, took on a full compliment of shirt lifting JMFer's. Alas, we could not emulate last weeks miracle win by four, so the count is down to four, with five to play. I am determined to get the numbers right this week.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky, Lukelear, King Dave and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -20



• Euro Elite - 24



• Draws - 0

Gender or Bender?? Amsterdam

Hey you crashzy English Mother Fuckersshhhs, this week we are in one of Europes favourite party towns Amsterdam. This is a place I have visited many times, three stag nights alone, even though I don't smoke draw, and am far to tight to pay for a shag. So what of the capitol of the Netherlands? Is it a place for debauchery and hedonism with the lads, or a nice place to rekindle the flames of passion with 'er indoors? I suspect you are all ware of the final outcome, but here goes..

Price- Like any main city on the continent, it's going to be more expensive than Bradford, but considering that it is a seriously popular destination, it ain't that bad. Yes some places can charge way over the odds, but on the whole not too bad. The euro has caught the pound up since my last sojourn, but if I figure it compared to my recent trip to Ireland, it still shades Dublin on price. Because it is quite a compact town, getting around by Shanks Pony (walking for those under 30) is easy enough, which is just as well, as the Taxis are all Mercs and Beamers for a reason. For those who are single, and in the interest of science, the last time I went a jump was around 50 euros. Also, they do not do it for free, a rubbing your penis up against the window cuts no ice either. For those of you on a tight budget, wank booths are a cheap alternative to hotels, comfy and warm, just make sure you are in a 24 hour one, or they come and wake you up at closing time. Highly embarrassing if you wake up with your trolleys around your ankles and your limp pecker in your hand. If you want to experience something truly Amsterdam, I recommend the Banana Bar, but if you have rocked into town with the missus, give it a miss. 4/10

People- They are seriously tall. And speak English, almost to a man, in that cool as fuck Martin Jol kinda way. The locals are pretty cool people, unless they are on a bicycle, at wich point they seem turn into knob heads. Of course, the place is known for it's laid back vibe, and it doesn't disappoint. It seems if you want to do something, that isn't going to harm anybody else, they pretty much let you get on with it. There are always some, shall we say, interesting sights around and a bout. The only thing the place really loses out on, is the number of skankers that are around. If you haven't been ripped off once, you haven't really been. 9/10

Stuff- Hard to fault the place on this one. From window shopping and Sex shows, to the highest of high art (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Van Dyck), there is something to cater for every taste. For football fans there is Ajax (don't drink the beer inside the stadium, it is alcohol free wank), which boast a fine state of the art stadium. There are canal tours, the Ann Frank house, canals, smoke shops, the Heineken tour or just sitting out on the Leidseplein with a cold beer watching the world go by. A seriously cool place to spend a long weekend. 10/10

Reputation- It has an excellent/terrible reputation, dependant on wether you piss standing up or sitting down. If I said I was to organise a trip, the uptake would be large and immediate. Too immediate. Everyone always says "Yes" straight away, but then have to break it to their other half, which has been the down fall for more than a few fellas. You say you are up for it, your name is put down, but you haven't said anything to the trouble and strife. You try and figure out an easy way to break the news, but end up doing it drunk, and all Hell breaks loose. She says you are only going for one thing, and that you don't love her. You say it's such and suchs stag do, and you have to go. She asks who's going, you say a couple of names. She says "I bet thank wanker Brians going" you say yeas, and the game is up. Of course, quite a few of you have a sturdy pair of testicles, so the scenario I have just recorded doesn't apply to all. Which is good, because it would be a bit boring going on my lonesome. 10/10

Intrigue- Everybody loves Amsters. I have been numerous times, more often than I have been to Leeds or York over the last decade, and love the place big time. All tastes are catered for, I know because I have been with the lads, and also gone with a bird. If you can tie a trip to coincide with Koninginnedag, known in English as Queens Day, which is around the 30th of April. A massive street party, they close the centre to all traffic, it rumbles on into the small hours of the next morning. Everybody wears orange, and gets pissed. Crasshzy. 10/10

Verdict-Take the wife by all means, you will have a great time. Particularly if you are partial to a bit of swinging. Otherwise this is lad heaven. A one hour flight, everyone speak Anglais, it's not Bradford, the birds are fit and so on. Some folk complain about the smell, and tourist traps, and that it isn't that seedy, but my suspicion is these are the kind of people who would complain if they won the lottery. If you haven't been before, why not?

43/50 Flying sex toys, with the boys..............BENDER

King of the Bacon Banjos

It has been a while since I updated my quest to find a new bacon butty champion, so here are my findings. First up, the ones to avoid. The shop (Substantial, Thornton Road, Girlington) that replaced the much lamented Frankie B's may be good value, and the full breakfast is a beast even the Eating Machine, aka Bakes, failed to finish, but sadly their Bacon Banjos are a pale shadow compared to their illustrious predecessor. One to avoid at all costs is the one on Haworth Road, next to the Tescos Express. It is not only shite, but the last time I was in there (and it will be my last time) I looked on in amazement as a flu ridden bint sneezed into her hands, and then proceeded to make my butty without washing her hands!! Gross! Another dishonourable mention goes to the Sun Dial on Great Horton Rd. Tasty, but small and overpriced.

Good job then that are plenty of alternatives. Highgate Bakery on Emm Lane is always good for a laugh, as the women who work there take the piss out just about everybody who walks through the door. The food ain't bad either, but a little pricey. Another Highgate worth mentioning is the one on Great Horton Road on the way to Queensbury. Good choice, reasonably priced, and the girl who works behind the counter is fit (but not always there). On Thornton Rd in Thornton itself, is Parkys, which used to have a good looking couple of female servers, who always got your order wrong, but a nice pair goes along way in my book. But that's no longer a problem, as they have both left. Still worth a trip just for the butty though.

So onto my new Champion. It is not only the equal of the Legendary Frankie B's, but surpasses it. It is a little out of the way, but Ellisons Butchers in Cullingworth is the new King of the Banjos. As you would expect from a butchers, the bacon is spot on, and trimmed of fat. The bread is fluffy, and the Brown Sauce tastes like HP, although I did not get visual confirmation. I married my bacon to some mushrooms, which were perfect. Fresh and not greasy in the slightest. All this for the Princely sum of £1.85. Bargain. The only slight downside, as you would expect from somewhere that is chockful of tastiness, is the queue, but it is defiantly worth the wait.

The gauntlet has been thrown down, and the challenge is to usurp this Behemoth of Buttyness from its lofty perch. Arise King Ellison....

Bone Idle

Sorry I haven't posted anything over the last few days, the simple truth is I couldn't be arsed. With City away, and money tight, I decided to cut my losses and stay in this weekend, so this is just a kind of round up.

First up City. Get in. I was saying to Bakes only a couple of weeks ago that we are way over due a cup run of any worth. I know it is early days, but with Orient at home ion the next round, you never know. The only downer was my accumulator. I had City to win, and when Graham Lee smashed in his free kick with only a few minutes left, it looked as though I had sewn up a cheeky £130 win from Ladbrokes. But sadly for me I also had Huddersfield Town, who conceded an equaliser within seconds of City going in front, and then proceeded to lose, the sheep shagging wankers. Oh well. Next up for the Mighty Bantams is second place Wycombe Wanderers away, an extremely tricky game. I would take a draw, but I just have an inkling that we could possibly nick this one, as we always seem to do well against the teams we are supposed to lose too. Of course this means we usually get walloped when we play no hopers doomed for relegation. The week after is Rotherham away, a Yorkshire derby no less, and one I hope to be attending, before we take on the Spirerites at home on the 25th. Apart from the Millers, who were docked a shed load of points, these teams will be our main rivals for a promotion push, so by the end of November we should know which direction we are headed in.

TSV 1860 finally surrendered their seven game unbeaten stretch, losing 1-0 at home no less, to the unheralded Rot-Weiß Oberhausen. I have no idea who the hell they are either. The only concern is that when City seem to do well Der Lowen suck, and vice versa.

Lastly, before I retire once more to the sofa, Bufoonery. Has there been any incidents this weekend? I know Shoutys Satlaire Posse hit the bright lights of Bradford, and I have no doubt Aki and his Wilsden crew were also on the Razz, so I expect to be adding a name or two to the 2009 table.

Me McBooty!!

Curse thar McMercenary to Davey Jones Locker! He did indeed be guessin' correct, that I be weighing McAnchor in thar Windy City of McChicago. That of course be meanin' thar be but one McDobloon fer grabs this week, if any of ye can guess where I be McFillitin' me McFish. I be close to sea, to be McSure. Yet it weren't fer sailing I be visitin'. So can any of ye rusty harpoon holes be figurin'.....

Where beeeeeeee McEurooooooooooo???

The Evidence

M'lord. In the case of the Squad versus Pembo, I would like to show the evidence, provided by the Right Honourable Aki, that proves beyond doubt, that the accused is indeed a Buffoon...



"Do s this mean I have bet on the half times?"

Four points well earned. I rest my case.

How Embarrassing

No excuses, we lost last night. There was a cock up before we started, I miscounted, so it was four cock munchers, versus five studly ladies men. And we got turned over. Oh the embarrassment!! Five up with six to play, as we make seriously hard work of finishing off the MoFo.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky, Lukelear and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, Shouty Senior, Robinho, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -19



• Euro Elite - 24



• Draws - 0

Nearly Forgot

The five a side result. Crespo went off injured, and the JMF gaylord five, won against a valiant four. It has been decided to let the result count, as we only need one victory to clinch the 2009 title.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, King Dave, Lukelear and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, JohnnyM, Clogs, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -18



• Euro Elite - 24



• Draws - 0

Le Grand Buffoon 2009

Our first points have been scored, and on the first day of reckoning for 2009 to boot. Pembo, feeling lucky, took himself off to the bookies to try and win himself some brass. He filled in his coupon, and paid at the counter, but something didn't seem right. Not being able to put his finger on what was troubling him, he took a picture of his slip and texted it on to Aki. He asked "Is this betting slip for half time scores?" failing to notice the big bold text at the top of his wager, quite clearly legible, that read "Half Time Scores." Bless. But this did raise the thorny question, what is a point, and how do you rank them? So below I am laying out the scoring and rating, from solitary points, to 10 pointers.

• Knobhead (1 point)- Scored for stating something as fact, only to be almost immediately corrected. Examples are, "Heckmondwike is just up this road" (Me to Bakes), shortly before passing a sign welcoming us to Hipperholme. "You defend like a second division team!!" (Helmet to all around him at a Bradford City game), before being politely reminded that we are indeed a second division team.
• Muppet (2 points)- Scored for drunken idiotry such as losing wallets, house keys and jackets. A Munich Incident. Falling off things.
• Eejit (4 points)- A good example is that stated above. Something so woefully stupid that you have to ask somebady else if you have indeed been that dumb. Shouty thinking it was midnight when he rolled up to Crespos, when in fact it was eight o'clock, is another fine example.
• Fuck Wit (6 points)- A combination of the previous three. Example, if you shit your pants whilst saying "Viva Espagna" to a bunch a Mexicans. Picking up some driftwood knobhead that you can't shake on a night out (A Jannetta speciality). Getting lost, especially abroad, and having to fork out a fortune to a local taxi driver. Waving food at bouncers, while telling them you will have them sacked. Falling asleep in public toilets. Head butting horses.
  
• Buffoon (10 points)- Idiocy of Legendary proportions. Funkys mobile phone. John the Dons motor home diesel overspill. Bakes five finger shuffle in front of his mum. Shoutys toilet paper trick. Jamons passport. etc.
  

These are just examples, and if you can think of any thing I may have missed, please let me know. Incidents of stupidity should always be discussed, and the relevant points will be awarded only after agreement between a minimum of three Bender Squad members. Once the points have been allocated, there will be an allowance of one appeal. This can lead to the points scored being rescinded, but may also result in extra points, if it is felt you have wasted my time. When the points are given, I will add them to a table, that will be used to award the coveted "Maillot Jaune" to the deserving recipient, thus preventing the blatant cheating carried out by the Right Honourable on this years poll.

So this years table, appeal withstanding reads;

1. Pembo 4 Points

Please post any nominations in the comments section, or contact me through the relevant channels. Let the stupidity commence.

Eins, Zwei, Drei, Vier!

Four in a row! How Der Lowen have turned around their fortunes, after the abysmal start to the 2008/9 campaign. Koblenz were downed by the solitary goal at the Alianz, Timo Gebhart notching his fourth of the season. An unbeaten October means 1860 have risen to the dizzy heights of sixth, just two points off a promotion place. Surprisingly, I have just checked the TSV website, and they have just drawn 0-0 with second place Kaiserslauten. Six games without defeat. Next up is Rot-Weiß Oberhausen (?), who are sitting just above the relegation places. Can they make it seven??

Bantams 3 Bees 3

What a mighty strange game. Should have been three nil up at half time, but two sloppy goals, one that would have embarrassed a team of under 11's, meant we went for a pie stop only winning 3-2. The second half? Oh dear. Never got going, and if Barnet hadn't been so profligate, we could have lost 6-3, instead of getting the draw we ended up with. What surprised me most was the defending. After the mid week victory over Bury, we looked to have put the dodgy defending of previous weeks behind us, but this was by far the worst display of the season. Yes they missed chances, but the three goals we conceded were pitiful, and I for one thought the ball crossed the line for their equaliser. Just checked it out on the Virgin Media website, and it was definitely in. So two points dropped against one of the divisions strugglers. We remain third, but with tough away games coming up against Wycombe and Rotherham away, we may find ourselves out of the play off positions. I still think we play better against the stronger teams, Grimsby excepted, and with Omar back, I think we might surprise some of the harbingers of doom, who love to vent their spleens on websites and phone ins.

Baz Watch- The Renaissance continues. After Tuesdays stellar cameo, our shiny headed hero reached new heights. On from the beginning, he was our biggest attacking threat, and on 10 minutes defied gravity itself, as he hung in the air to cushion the most perfect of headers into the top corner. A goal to that would have graced any game. He continued to lead the line brilliantly, and with ten minutes of the first half remaining, he stole into the opposition penalty area, calmly chesting the ball into the path of his lethal left boot, nearly ripping the net from its moorings, to notch his second of the game. The second half was a slight let down, more so from the rest of the team, rather than our favourite Irish cart horse. Bazzas best showing by far, 9.7/10.

Pie Rating- Is there a pie that has been left untried at Valley Parade? No there has not, so this week I would like to pay homage to the Mighty Hammonds Chop Sauce. Originally brewed Shipley, it is now some what bizarrely made in Lancashire. Is it as good as HP? Probably not, but it is still made in England, unlike HP who have scadalously moved manufacturing of the world famous brown sauce to Holland. Anyway, back to the Chop Sauce. You can buy it in Morrisons at Girlington, but I haven't noticed it any other branches. Do they sell it in Tescos or Asda? How the fuck would I know! I still refuse to set foot in these empires of evil. Marks out of ten? Well if HP is the standard, I reckon Hammonds is the next best pie and/or bacon condiment. 8.5/10