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Thursday, December 28, 2006

Happy New Year.....2006 Highs and Lows

Whith 2006 on its last legs, I would like to take this oppurtunity to wish all viewers of this site a happy and prosperous new year. It also seems an appropriate time to log the peaks and troughs endured by the bender squad over the past twelve months.

Highlights;

THE WORLD CUP

A World Cup is like Christmas, Disneyland, Beer and Shagging all rolled into one for any self respecting member, and with this years competition held on our doorstep several of took the opportunity to fulfill a lifetime ambition. Myself, The Boy, John the Don, El Grande Queso, King of the Pixies and the Funky Messiah took off in a motorhome to traipse the German countryside in search of footie and fun. We visited fan fests in Dortmund and Cologne, the latter being for the Sweden v England game. It was a marathon boozing session, from 11:00 am till the early hours. The day had everything, John the Don was in full throttle Buffoon mode, providing his infamous "Viva Espana" greeting to a group of Mexicans ans pointing to a metre long sausage, and inquiring of the waiter "What is that?". The waiter looked upon the blonde one and deadpanned the words "It is a sausage." Lets also not forget the infamous "Business is business, money down, no problem." line to try and secure six drunken knobheads a place on the balcony of the most exclusive hotel in town. More from Mr Greenwood later. The day finished with the Queso turning into Cornish Pasty (Nasty for the unfamiliar), with the Messiah to make for the homeward train ride from Hell.

Hamburg was next on the itinerary, and before we even got on board the train the Don was up to his old tricks. A courier on a pedal trike rolled past us, ridden by a geezer who to everyone else looked to be in the rudest of health.

"Whats that all about?" asked Sandro.

"It's one of them Paraplegics" replied The Don. Pure magic.

The day in Hamburg was slightly marred by the hangovers we all had from going bananas on Long Island Ice Teas in Munster the previous evening. The early morning effects can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwIy_mvngHs Four of us managed to bag tickets for Italy versus Chech Republic, who let me tell you, have some seriously fit women. The game was great, but with energy sapped from the excesses inflicted upon ourselves we couldn't even bring ourselves to visit the infamous Reperbahn. Oh well, gives us an excuse to go again.

Afterwards the only other incident of note was The Dons now infamous Diesel episode with campervan, a tale that was reported thus in an earlier post:


Then with the finishing post in site, no more than 15kms from where we needed to drop off the campervan , John the Don became one of the immortals of bender squad buffoonery. Bear in mind he had already filled up the campervan once with out incident when disaster struck. As I approached the vehicle I was summoned by Queso. He pointed to the liquid pouring from underneath the van and asked me for my opinion on what had happened. After a cursory inspection, my diagnosis was that the don had filled up the watertank with £40 worth of diesel. My suspicions proved correct. When the diesel began to leak from underneath the don figured this was the diesel overflow. Yes he really said it.



Thus John the Don was unanimously voted "Le grande buffoon 2006" Since then he has also filled up his works diesel vehicle with unleaded. He also blames the campervan incident on the rest of us, saying we sat and watched him do it. Yes John, none of us wanted to hit the BannaBar in Amsterdam, we were much happier having to pay anther 75 Euros to fill up the DIESEL tank, then have to pay someone to syphon it out, and then have a full inspection by Henk and subsequently have to divvy up £30 quid each for your stupidity. By the way, John the Don is 10-1 ON to retain the Maillot Jaune in 2007.



Me, Queso and VW returned to witness the abomination of the Quarter Final defeat against Portugal, paying scalpers to get tickets. We sat with Harry Enfield behind us for the match, and had great day, until it got to penalties, you all know the rest. We also discovered Eindhoven were we stayed prior to the game, and had a rip snorting session. You know its a good one when you are doing the twist a t a dodgy club at 4 a.m.






SHOUTYS STAG NIGHT

There is really only one reason for any self respecting squad member to wed, and that is the ritual of "The Stag Night" This year it was Shoutys turn to take the plunge, and he decided on the old reliable Amsterdam to celebrate his impeding nuptials. it was a good turnout, everybody made it to Leeds/Bradford for the 6 a.m. flight, and we hit the ground running. Shouty got into the full spirit of the occasion, donning a gimp mask, red tights, a PVC mini skirts and what appeared to be a leopard skin thing, although I was not brave enough, or indeed stupid enough to get close enough to find out. It was then onto the world renowned BannnaBar for cocktails, but not before Shouty dive bombed two unsuspecting locals, passing by in a canal boat. The rest of the weekend was top notch, much beer was drunk, although a planned excursion to Berlin never really got off the ground. C'est La Vie.







CHRISTMAS BENDER SKIPTON


It was great to see a good turnout for this years Xmas bash, many dragging themselves out to Skipton after a long day at work. Unfortunately after a long day boozing, my memory isn't that great these days, so I can't recall much other than singing Silent Night. JohnnyWest fell off the train platform, G Spot was possibly mugged on the way home, and placed on license by his M.R.S. Shouty some how ended up the Happy Hardcore hell that is Lyngards. King Dave, the Ginga Ninja and Shouty were also ejected from a night club in Skipton. All in all a good evening.



MISCELLANEOUS

Tony Helmet not only found gainful employment, he also got himself a woman, finally scotching the rumours that he may bat for the other side. Mad Ad also found himself a new girlfriend, and yes, they have had a bambino. Adam you have proved your worth, now put a knot in it. John the Don has managed to go a couple of months without doing anything stupid (we think). Jamon was outed by the public as the biggest gaylord on the Evil JMF. Funkys copper highlights finally grew out. The King of the Pixies ended his Maltese exile. G spot finally made it out....then blew it by getting mugged and taking five hours to get from Bingley to Wyke. His trouble and strife has revoked his bender privileges. Lobon didn't have any bad luck. The sausage jockeys of the JMF were champions of the Wood.

If anybody can think of anything I may have overlooked please post as comment.

Lowlights:

The continued ineptitude shown by English national sports teams, especially our football team. I can accept to a certain degree the Rugby League and Union teams being rubbish, as it is obvious they are not the best teams. The cricket team fell into the trap of picking players who weren't fit, and then decided to play not to lose, instead of playing to win, a problem more than evident in our football team. The England football team. On paper world beaters, on the pitch pussies. Why do we need a midfield anchor against Trinidad and Tobago? Walcott, why take him if you have no intention of playing him? Why try a new formation in qualifier, not a friendly? Steve McLaren??????????

The Labour party. Banned smoking in pubs. Taxing anything fun. Id cards. Taxing anything not fun. Asylum seekers. Iraq. State handouts for layabouts. Human rights act. Afghanistan. Failing schools. Bankrupt hospitals. Speed cameras. Road pricing. Health and Safety. Tony Blair. Cronyism. Spin Doctors. QUANGOS. Soft sentencing for criminals. Politics of fear. Council Tax. John Prescott. We are sinking into a sea of shit, and nobody seems to care. These people are destroying our lives and eroding the rights we have taken for granted all our lives. Check out http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/ and register your disapproval for the insane schemes being considered by the bunch of buffoons how are supposedly running this country. Below are two links to oppose road pricing and id cards.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/traveltax/ Road tax

http://petitons.pm.gov.uk/IDcards/ Id cards

The continuing march of the terrible two, Tescos and Asda(Wal-Mart), towards world domination. You know I am right.

Well that's it for 2006, I will try and cobble together a post before Old Years Night, previewing whats on offer in 2007. For those about to booze, we salute you! Happy New Year.

McOdyessy...Now Standing at £4

Yet again no one could pinpoint my McLocation, so this week there is a rollover of £4 to be won by a vigilant viewer. Last weeks answer was Detroit, Michigan, the clue being the state flag, not the Stars n' Stripes.



So without further adieu,



WHERE'S McEuro????????





Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas


Well it's Chrimbo eve, I have finally shaken my hangover from Friday, and do not have to leave the house again till Boxing Day. The Boy Dazzler and me are going down to watch the Mighty Bantams on Boxing Day, Jules the Mercenary and the Messiah may be joining us as well. G Spot and Spunky Monkey are up for a few sherberts afterwards. anyone who fancies joining us, my phone is on and we plan on being in the New Beehive between 13:00 and 13:30. Whatever you do, have a good one.



Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to Everyone

Thursday, December 21, 2006

2006 Champions..................................JMF


The JMF rose Lazarus like to claim the 2006 title down the Wood last evening. With six games remaining in the year, and down by two victories the gay boys of the MoFo clawed their way back to triumph 16-6 over the fading Euro Elite, in last nights decider. The opening minutes of the game were blighted when Dead Eye went down to a head injury, being rushed to hospital to receive several stitches to a gaping eye wound. Fortunately for the JMF, Jules the Mercenary had showed up to see who would prevail and stepped up to play goals and prevent a forfeit. Unfortunately for the Euro Elite, a combination of poor finishing and inspired goal tending from the mercenary, saw the dastardly JMF open a four goal lead. To compound matters for the out of form elite, Mount Lobon exploded, throwing a Mick that registered 10.3 on the Richter scale, and the game slid of reach for the Elite.

That's basically all I can bring myself to report. We were poor last night, but the season was thrown away over the last six weeks as my team imploded, morale hitting a rock bottom when we needed to step up to the plate. We break up now for Christmas, the opening encounter of 2007 scheduled for the 5/01/07. We will keep the same teams for a couple of games to see if the Elite can put Decembers woes behind us. If not we are considering transferring I am your Father Luke for Dead Eye, in the interests of keeping the game competitive. This really sticks in the throat, but congratulations, and well played to the JMF. (Bunch of fucking turd burgling arse bandits....)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

McOdyessy

Well there were no correct guesses for last weeks "Where's McEuro?", so this week is yet another rollover, taking the prize to a mind boggling £3 !!!!!!!!!



King Dave did guess the answer, but unfortunately, in the interests of fairness, only online answers can be accepted.



The answer was.....................LONDON. The photo was taken on a trip to see the Mighty Bantams hold Spurs to a draw six years ago. So onto this weeks "Where's McEuro????"








There is a clue in the flags. Good Luck.

Showdown Lineup's

The 2006 decider down the Wood takes place on Wednesday between the gallant European Elite, and the immoral Jamon MoFo. The sides are the original sides that started the season, with the exception of "What's it all about" Alfie replacing the derailed JohnnyWest, whose injury was sustained Saturday night, when he fell off the platform at Skipton train station. Jules the Mercenary remains on standby for any late casualties.

The Teams;

European Elite;
  1. European Bri (Captain)
  2. Shouty Paul
  3. Lobon Mick J
  4. Whats it all about Alfie
  5. I am your father Luke

Jamon MoFo;

  1. Jamon MoFo James (Captain)
  2. King Dave
  3. Dead Eye Phil
  4. Funky Messiah
  5. Young Gaz

The elite carry the advantage of the wall and a better selection of keepers, but the MoFo boast the prolific pairing of Dead Eye and Young Gaz. Bookmakers make the JMF slight favourites, but it will be cup tie football, so anything can happen.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Christmas Bender 2006...........Skipton


Well its now Monday morning, and after spending all Sunday on the sofa recovering I can pronounce our Skipton bender a success. My self and G Spot were first out of the blocks, JohnnyWest still being in bed when we went to pick him up. After breakfast in Whetherspoons Bingley we made our way to Skipton, where we were joined by new comers Paddy, Carl and the crazy mother that is Liam. After a few pints of Russian lager Dead eye and Dom showed and we moved on to meet up with Shouty, Crespo and Lobon, before meeting the rest in the Castle. It was in this pub we were finally joined by JohnnyWest, who was only 6 hours late. At around this time the nose bag went on and much rowdiness ensued. Late joiners included Skidley, Helmet, luklear, King Dave and the Ginga Ninja. Buffoon moment of the evening goes to Johnny, who managed to fall off the platform and get wedged between the train and platform. G Spot lost his wallet and chipped a tooth on his way home, but was to drunk to remember how it occurred. Liam has introduced his puckerhole to everybody in Skipton. These are just the early reports, and hope to be able find out why King Dave was kicked out of a Skipton nightclub, where Luklear got to, and if the Ginga Ninja ever made it back to Lobons. I will also be posting the pics of the evening to http://www.bendersquad.smugmug.com/ . Adios Muchachos.

Evil M.R.S. Foil Jamon Escape Bid

While all resources were poured into rescuing Shouty from the clutches of SammyJ, the Bender Squad were blindsided by the Evil CD. Unable to locate Jamons escape tunnels she resorted to the nefarious method of poisoning to lay low Squad member Jamon. After being refused parole to attend the Munich Oktoberfest, we were looking forward to Mr. MoFo and his invisible shopping trolley joining us for our Christmas Bender a round Skipton. Unfortunately on Friday he was struck down by a stomach bug that left him needing to remain within 10 feet of a toilet. Let this be a lesson to all..........

Friday, December 15, 2006

Bender Eve

Have just returned from working in Liverpool, so apologies for the lack of any postings over the last few days. Everything is ready for the Xmas bender round Skipton town, and followers of this blog will be pleased to that the evil M.R.S. has agreed to free Shouty to partake in the Yuletide festivities. Meeting place for the early starter is Bingley Whether spoons before noon, and the Skipton branch before 1 o'clock. Apologies for the brevity of the last two postings, but I am cream crackered.

Down to thw Wire

Darkness descended over the Wood on Wednesday night, as the shirt lifters of the JMF prevailed by four goals to draw level with the Euro Elite in the race to be named champions of 2006. despite being without the talismanic Dead Eye, the MoFo eased to victory over an out of sorts Elite. Team line ups are yet to be announced for the deciding game next Wednesday, and will announce them, when finalized.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Beer Goggles

What is it with beer and eyesight? You go out, have a few sherberts, a few laughs, and you catch the eye of some stunner across the crowded nightclub. You pull your best best come hither look and head for the dance floor. You mistake the shocked look on your mates faces for jealousy, and hit the floor to chuck your choicest shapes at your new found goddess. After some serious tonsil hockey you ask her home and she agrees, rubbing up your leg, and leaving no doubt, that tonight you have well and truly pulled. You tip a wink to your shell shocked mates, and you are off for a night passion. Falling asleep after a night of marathon rodgering you wake up with a killer hangover to find out........................................










SHE'S A DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McOdessy....Where's McEuro?

Welcome to this weeks "Where's McEuro?" Last weeks answer was correctly guessed, but no one has come forward to claim, so this week is a £2 ROLLOVER! The picture last week was taken in Eindhoven, Holland on a trip to watch England crash out of the World Cup. Anyone who decided to check out www.bendersquad.smugmug.com would have found the answer in the "World Cup Part Two" section, titled McEindhoven. So on to this weeks McOdyessy, which you cannot find on the aforementioned website. So without further adieu;



WHHHHEREEE'S EUUUURO??????


Monday, December 11, 2006

Ach Du Meine Gut!!!

Or roughly translated "Flipping Heck!!!" I have been trying to reserve places at the tents for the Oktoberfest, and have discovered you can't do it using Der Kredite Karte. This means we will be going with no guaranteed spots. But before you throw yourself off the nearest bridge, STOP! Although some of the most popular tents may require lengthy queue times, there are plenty of smaller ones that are easier to find seats in, and as we are there on a Sunday, even the largest tents should have places. So do not despair, fortune favours the brave, and I am positive we will have a legendary bender. if anybody knows someone who's been before please find out if there are any useful tips. Cheers.

Skipton Bender Countdown

The Xmas season is upon us, and as regular readers are aware, our annual Christmas booze fest will be held at the "Gateway to the Dales", Skipton. A good turnout is expected, Jamons escape tunnel remains secret from the dreaded Chezstapo, G-Spot has been given the green light and Dangerous Pete is dusting off his stunt suit as we speak. On a more sober note, the Shouty trail has gone cold, throwing our minutely devised rescue plans awry. Anyone who spots a goofy looking geezer Shouting rubbish, please contact ASAP. Funky and Queso will be unable to attend due to prior arrangements. As for the rest see you down there.


Saturday, December 09, 2006

Jamons Love of Tescos Explained

I have for years struggled to understand why brother Jamon loves shopping at Tescos so much. I think I now know why;













So That's Why it's So Cheap

When the BBC led one of its news bulletins about work exploitation in Asia it was not much of a surprise to learn two of the companies named were Tescos and Asda. The evil twins, who turn not millions, but billions of pounds profits, apparently have no problems paying the princely sum of 5p per hour at some of the clothing factories they use in, amongst other places, Bangladesh. Makes you wonder what they get up to to keep their food prices so low doesn't it.

See full story at;
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6219274.stm

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Words Fail Me.....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6219608.stm

Late Dead Eye Equaliser Keeps JMF Hope Alive

With seconds remaining last night, Dead Eye atoned for an earlier penalty miss by poking home an equaliser as time expired. The nefarious JMF had played catch up all night, not once taking the lead, but emerged with a well earned draw. Dead Eye's redemption came after an earlier penalty miss against the hippopotamus reflexed Shouty came back off the bar. A tight match seemed to have gone the way of the Elite when Euro smashed a fine goal past Funky, but the usually reliable goalkeeping skills of JohnnyWest were found strangely lacking, as Dead Eye scuffed one home from distance.

So all results remain possible with two fixtures remaining for the 2006 season, with the Elite protecting a slender one game advantage. The homo's of the JMF have the wall next week, but will be without the goal machine Dead Eye Phil, whose place is filled by Jules the Mercenary. Ironically, Lobon continues to try and shake off a groin strain, and will be subject to a late fitness check. Whats it all about remains on standby.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Green Tax....or Stealth Tax?

Yet again our inept government has decided the answer to climate change is taxation. Fuel duty to rise and a £5 increase on flight duty. This is really starting to piss me off. The people who use gas guzzling vehicles the most and jet of on a whim will not be bothered by these increases at all. It will be the likes of me and you who, yet again will have to tighten our belts, and go without the small luxuries we work so hard to gain. When is there going to be an alternative approach? I have a paper, glass and can recycling bin. I save all my plastic containers and cardboard for recycling at local supermarkets (Tescos and Asda excluded). I have applied for the green garden waste bags. We run a small litre unleaded vehicle. My house is insulated and I have installed a low water usage lavatory. All my electrical appliances are switched off on an evening, not left on standby. What more can I do? Yet instead of being rewarded with say a council tax discount, I am yet again being fleeced by these fuckwit politicians who seem to reside in some far away make believe land where everything is just peachy. What really bites me is they raise all these taxes and levies, for weird for useless things such as ID cards, and then club together to push for a 40% pay increase for themselves!!!!! This is on top of expenses and one of the most generous pension packages you can imagine!!!! Where do I sign up???

I have lived and grown up in this country for pushing thirty years, and am appalled at the way this land is being sold down the river by Tony Blair and his posse of liberal do-gooders. For my generation it all seems OK because we have houses that have doubled and tripled in value, and credit is easy to get, but how are our kids ever going to be able to afford their own place? Especially when they are lumbered with big bills if they wish to go on to further education? How many of you have a decent pension plan? All that equity will be eaten up double quick, when you need it most. And don't bank on any inheritance, because all that money and property your folks grafted so hard for, is more than likely liable for inheritance duty, which is to all intense purposes a tax on dying.

Sorry to moan, but I am ready to call time on this country, which I hate to do as I love the place.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

S.O.S Hebden Bridge

The evil Mean Repressive Spouses planned withholding of Shouty on the 16th is starting to unravel. A secret deep undercover operative has gotten word to me that this planned outrage was to take place in Hebden Bridge. Unsurprising really, as this little Yorkshire town lays claim to be the "Lesbian Capital of Britain", so SammyJs nefarious doings could be carried out unhindered by any lurking geezers. Well we are on to you!!!! We fear no Dykes!!!! In fact, they quite turn us on.

So rest assured members of the M.R.S, we will never surrender till we have Saved Our Shouty!!!

McOdyssey...The Where's McEuro Game

As everyone knows, I am fond of a burger, the perfect hangover food. During my japes throughout the world I started a somewhat stupid tradition of having my photograph taken outside various McDonalds. I was often asked to what purpose I did this, and to be honest I never really had one. Till now. Starting today I will be running a weekly "Where's McEuro?" game, with a shiny pound coin up for grabs to the first person to correctly guess in which town I was. If there are no correct answers, the prize will roll over. So without further hesitation, this weeks "Where's McEuro?";



Answer and notification of prize winner next Tuesday.

Lobon Stretches Lead

In the annual dream team league, Lobon is riding roughshod over the competition. Early pace setter SammyJ has proved that the early advantage was indeed a fluke, and has retired to her dark, dingy kitchen. It would appear the only person capable of mounting a challenge to Lobon is the Funky Messiah, but with the season not even at the half way stage, it seems doubtful any one will stop the Coronation of King Lobon. One highlight however, is to see that well known gracious loser, Mr MoFo himself, is having sunlight pumped to him by the rest of the field. Latest standings are as follows;


Pos
Team Name
Points
1
Magical Micks Dreamers
676
2
International Party Dr
574
3
Noks noodles
563
4
SHOUTY`S SHOOTERS
557
5
European bri's bender XI
536
6
wish me luck
525
7
Crespo's cabbages
511
8
raging roaring rats
500
9
Jamonmofo
461

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Wilsden Family...

Your sister is your mother

Your uncle is your brother

You all f@*k one another

The Wilsden Family.......

Jamon is the leader,

Ones name is Dangerous Peter,

Funky, Helmet, Ad and Skidder,

The Wilsden Family......

So be wary of their patter,

It doesn't really matter,

Cause your arse they want to batter,

The Wil-sden Fam-ily!!!



Pig Chasing Tiffin or Sheep Loving Wilsden?