The Week in Nonsense

The health fascists take this weeks biscuit on the nonsense front. A Merseyside pressure group(?) wants all films featuring a character smoking, to be re-classified as certificate 18. They claim there is proof that people take up smoking after seeing screen icons light up on screen. They are even saying they are willing to go it alone, and impose a ban on such movies throughout Liverpool. So in a city where a young boy can be killed by gang members that can't be caught, and home to some of the most deprived areas in the country, has decided to put all it's efforts in too what I think is the single most nonsensical idea I have stumbled across so far this year. It illustrates beautifully just how stupid these people think we are. Does anybody really know anyone who started smoking because they saw it in a movie? Did Dot Cotton on Eastenders really make fags so glamorous, that legions of viewers took up tab smoking? Of course not. If you are a non-smoker though, don't be feeling too smug. The health Gestapo are dreaming up ideas of such idiocy that it would make your head spin. A leading plastic surgeon, one Peter Mahaffey, told the British Medical Journal, police should carry breathalysers and fine those three times over the drink-drive limit £100.

"I think as a society we have had enough. We need to send out a strong message.

"The levels of drinking and the harm it is causing is depressing. I see people with terrible injuries that they will never recover from. Now is the time to act." He is quoted as saying.

Well Dr Mahaffey, I've got news for you. What society has really had enough of, is sanctimonious do gooders telling us what is good for us, and condoning fines for behaviour they find unacceptable. Think about all the people out having a good time this weekend, and then think of the tiny minority that will cause trouble and get in fights. Target these people with jail time and hefty fines mate, not hard working taxpayers like me and my brethren, who just happen to enjoy a spot of "binge" drinking now and again.

Just who the fuck does he think he is? Even Alcohol Concern withheld support.

Next up is a security minister who goes by the title Lord West. He reckons it would be "silly" not have any communication with terrorist groups such as al-Qaeda. What kind of communications is he considering having one wonders? "Is the Weather nice in Kabul today?", "Hung any Homosexuals lately?" or maybe they could invite them round for a few illicit beers. Maybe he would like to offer them a borough of London to call their very own.

Stop The Nonsense

Bantams 1 Stags 2

Well what can I say? I pointed out before heading off to the game, that seeing as Mansfield were in the bottom two that we would probably lose. And hey Presto, we did. Apart from Conlon, we were garbage. It was made worse by the group of half wits sat behind me, that blamed big Baz for everything. A set of dickheads as the like I have never seen. And to compound things, guess who needed a whizz just as we scored. That's right the Ikester. So I missed our only goal as Big Baz, apparently, leaped salmon like to nod in his second goal in successive matches. Anyway that's all I have time for at the moment, as I am continuing my binge drinking splurge at the Fleece in Cullingworth with Big Frank, stopping off for a MaccyD's on the way. Life is good.

Pit Stop

Sat here waiting for the boy to pick us up in a cab, so I thought I would check in. My binge drinking session got off to a fine start, me, big JohnnyM and G-Spot getting the weekend off to a very civilised start. I got some mucho spicy Chinese noodles on my way home, and was assaulted by the nastiest bout of indigestion I have ever had at about five o'clock this morning. I chugged a pint of milk, but some chiller sauce must have got stuck on me old clacker, as I sat there with a burning throat. Now that I think about it, there is a super spicy spring roll left in the fridge, so I am off to scarfe it. City are playing one of the worse teams in our league this aft, so we will probably lose, although I hope KingBaz smacks in a hat trick. Come on City!!

Win or lose, we shall booze...............

FA Cup Final Bender...Update

This years FA Cup final is on Saturday the 17th of May. Try and make sure your diary is free, and if you are scheduled to work, that the day is booked off. Location for piss up to follow later. All suggestions taken under consideration.

An Act of Defiance

I am lucky enough to have the whole weekend off for a change, and to celebrate, I aim to indulge a spot of binge drinking. So Fuck You Gordon Brown and your band of namby pamby do gooder pals, and an even bigger Fuck You to the BMA, who I believe I pay for through my national insurance contributions. But the biggest Fuck You, I reserve for a group called Alcohol Concern, a bunch of busy body arseholes, who would love nothing better than to dictate to a hard working stiff like myself, on how to run my life. These are the clowns who called for an across the board 10% rise in the price of booze, to cut "alcohol-related mortality by up to 37%." You may have seen the self satisfied chairman, or whatever he was, gobbing off on the news prior to the budget about how we all are unable to decide for ourselves what is good for us, and that the demon drink should be taxed into oblivion. Where is a Skunk crazed chav when you need him? I don't often condone violence, but God I wanted to kick this prick right in his sanctimonious trousers. If there was ever a fella in need of a night on the lash, he was it. Starting the 7th of April, they are even having an alcohol awareness week. In honour of this week, I wholeheartedly intend to try and drink my self daft every day. If you think I am exaggerating, visit the website here. You couldn't make this shit up. So starting tomorrow night, a few of us are to get together to stick it to "the man", and drink enough beer, that the tax on it will feed and keep a chav family of eight for a week. I am sure if we put our heads together we can come up with a national binge drinking day. Hang on a minute, I think there already is one. I think its called St Patricks Day.

Money Down the Toilet

One of the key components of Wednesdays budget speech, was the aim of eradicating child poverty by the year 2010 in the UK. This sounded a most commendable notion, but I then got to thinking "Why are there so many kids living in so called poverty?" The criteria for being classed as below the poverty line, are kids living in a household that has an income below 60% of the national average. Now I have no doubt there are many families out there holding down jobs, and trying to do the best for their offspring, and I believe every every effort should be made to assist these people. But what about them that don't work? My next door neighbour is a fine example. Doesn't work, drinks White Lightning like its water while his partner takes herself of into town every other day returning with bags full of designer clothing. Yet the four kids they are in care of are barley seen in anything other than their school uniform. It has to be said their uniforms are pretty clean, but that could be down to the fact they are hardly ever at school. Then there is my little lads mate next door. A great kid, who is lucky enough to have an uncle and aunt to care for him, as his smack head mother is only good for churning out kids she can't look after, at the last count eight. So how is throwing piles of money at these kind of people going to stop kids like these falling below the poverty threshold? It isn't, in fact if anything, granting irresponsible people more money in child benefit payments, will surely encourage the feckless to produce yet more kids they are incapable of looking after. From misguided teenagers on council estates who consider babies nothing more than a fashion accessory, to workshy layabouts, to whom a litter of bambinos represents nothing more than a free ride, the money would surely be better spent taking the majority of these unlucky sprites into some form of care. Perhaps we would then see a fall in the numbers of feral kids who callously murder and maim innocent passer byes, on what now seems to be a weekly basis.

Stop The Nonsense

Can Someone Explain?

Today was budget day, and when I have more time tomorrow, I will delve into it deeper, but I have one immediate question. They have stuck above inflation tax hikes on all alcohols, in a bid they say to curb binge drinking. I think we are all agreed that most heavy duty binge drinking is done by young shiftless layabouts, who bang out kids for fun, then expect us, the taxpayer, to stump up for them. So if you wish to make booze to expensive for these little toe rags, why have they increased child benefit? Are they as misguided to think the track suit wearing underclass actually use this state handout to look after their kids? How else do they think they can afford to roam round in expensive sporting gear, puffing on cigs whilst sharing round a two litre bottle of White Lightning? It beggars belief as to how out of touch these jokers really are.

Stop The Fucking Nonsense........Please!!!

King Baz Strikes Winner

Big Baz showed his backbone is made of steel, after he came back from sub par performance against the Daggers a couple of weeks ago to score the winner against Chester. So fuck all you Baz bashers who post all week on the T&A website about what a waste of space he is. These knobheads need a wake up call as to which division we are playing in, and although the Bazmeister will never worry the Premier League, lets be honest neither will we. I am sick of these moaning twats week in week out praising the big effort, low on talent Colbeck, yet riding our big centre forward, and Omar Daley, like the ills and position of our club was solely down to them. Yes, if we are to eventually move up the leagues we will have to say good bye to the likes of Conlon, but while he's here get off his fucking back.

Dead Eye Injury Mars Euro Victory

The Euro Elite took the shirt lifting JMF down by six goals last night, although a late injury to Dead Eye took a bit of shine of the result. It made no difference to the final score, we were already five up when he went down under a JohnnyM challenge, but we still wish him a speedy recovery. The game itself was pretty one sided throughout, the MoFo stunk. Funky was in full headless chicken mode, and I would personally like to thank King Dave for the sweet pass across his own goal line to present me with the easiest of goals. Lefty was a late replacement for the Shoutster, and his winning run continues, he scored a marvellous effort past Dead Eye. To be frank, if the MoFo don't raise their performance soon, we shall have to start looking for a worthy challenge.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, King Dave, Funky, Dead Eye and The Villian

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Lefty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Young gaz

2008 Season

• JMF wins -3



• Euro Elite - 7



• Draws - 0

Patty Knevil

After last nights posting, concerning the Westgate Run of Wakefield challenge, I received a text message from squad member Patty. It would seem dodging former coal miners tanked up on alcopops wasn't daring enough for the Patmeiester. His suggestion for our next away trip is the daddy of all runs, the Pamplona Bull Run. Safety wear is not required, nor even mentioned in any of the rules and regulations, which to be honest, all seem to favour the bull. It is to late to even contemplate The young daredevil forgets that quite a few of us have passed the 40 year old milestone, and breaking into a brisk trot for a few of our members, would result in the need for de-fibrillation, but it has got my interest. I have faced down the Elster after staying out all weekend, and reckon I would be up to the challenge. Reading the info on the link I have supplied, it would take some organising, but in this day and age of rampant Health and Safety regulations, it could be quite a hoot. I like the fact that high visibility is not allowed. It is too late for it this year, and the problem I will face in the future, is that it falls on the Elsters birthday, but if someone else were to assist in getting it up and running, I am up for it. There is an English website that describes the run in full, and advises on the run itself and will also book accommodation, click here for the Pamplona Posse.



If this seems a bit to hair-raising (chance would be a fine thing in my case), there is the more sedate, but equally fun, La Tomatina tomato fight in Buñol near Valencia. This, as far as I can make out involves a few lorries full of tomato's pulling up in a town square, and the mother of all food fights then commencing. Happen not as dangerous, but I have yet to hear of anybody ever being gored to death by a tomato. These are just a couple of options for 2009, which will also include at least one pilgrimage to see the mighty TSV 1860 in Germany.



P.S.
The Westgate Run is all systems go for when i return from the USA. I knew I could rely on the Right Honourable. There are a few of us out for the Mansfield game on Saturday, a mini bender if you will, so if you haven't got anything lined up, get your arse out.

A Challenge

Bender Squad members, we have been challenged to undertake a drinking session in Wakefiled by a not so young rapscallion from Castleford, known as Jonesey. He reckons we will be unable to complete something known locally as the Westgate Run. It involves taking in an alcoholic beverages in around 20 pubs, all in a 500 yard stretch. I think it might be worth replacing this years pirate challenge (not the same without able seaman Dangerous Pete), sometime through the summer. It would be nice to put this erstwhile coal miner in his place.

FA Cup

I thought I would stick my two pennies worth in about the FA Cup, before all the supposed commentators start carping on about what a poor final it will be this year, because there are no "big" teams left in it. I say "good", I as a supporter of none of the big four, who have won every final since 1995, and contested everyone since 1991, look forward to NOT watching two teams meet each other for the umpteenth time that season, going through all the hyperbole concerning their greatness, to then watch a snorefest decided by either penalties or a solitary goal in injury time. When another team does manage to break the monopoly, they then show up determined not be humiliated, the result a one sided snorefest decide by a solitary goal in normal time. I know the West Ham-Liverpool game a couple of years back was a corking game, but it was definitely the exception to the rule. This year we can look forward to a real team, supported by real fans, who the result will be a probable once in a lifetime outing that will go down in that city/towns history. I would love to see a West Brom v Barnsley final, as that would really get up the nose of all the part time glory hunters, and would actually feature more than a handful of English players.

P.S.
Isn't Alex Ferguson a bad loser. And don't you just love hearing him whine.

The Week in Nonsense

Step forward, yet again, the ever reliable Labour party, our useless government. As reported in an earlier post, Jaqui Smith, who is becoming something of a rich source, spouted a torrent of nonsense in regards to the now voluntary ID cards. I wouldn't trust this woman with a box of matches, never mind all my personal details, including fingerprints and bio metrics. Not to be outdone in the stupid Labour woman stakes is one Margaret Hodge, Minister for Culture, complaining that the proms appeal to a too inclusive audience. So does Crufts, the dog show, but no one complains about this. Maybe we can get a feline equality commission together, at the tax payers expense of course, to work out how it can become more inclusive for cats. I wish that's all I had to do all day, sit around and think up bullshit. I mean the proms, who really gives a fuck?? House prices falling, the American credit crunch, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and she's concerned that there aren't enough black and brown faces at some musical festival where fat ugly inbreds go to wave flags. And what is all this crap concerning Prince Harry? Fair play to the guy, he joins the army, and wants to go off and shoot folk. Does it really warrant endless hours of TV footage and acres of newspaper pages? Like fuck it does. This weeks waste of money may not be on an epic scale, as were the previous two weeks, but is worth pointing out, as it is a local issue to me. £8,600,000 is to be spent on electric road signs on the M62 to improve traffic with information for motorists. This will no doubt point out to us stupid plebs things like," slow down rain" or "take a break, tiredness kills". Even better, as you are sat motionless in yet another jam, "Beware, Stationary Traffic". Lastly, just to prove that stupidity is contagious, one religious leader, a Canon Tony Shepherd of St Peter's Church in Harrogate, has proposed that churches turn down Lottery grant money for upgrades and renovation, as it sends out the message that the church is giving it's blessing to gambling. Why don't they just tax the shit out of beer instead? Would that make him happy? My big fear, is that come Wednesday, he will more than likely get his wish.

Stop The Nonsense

Champagne and Cigars

You would think I'd learn, but Friday night turned into Saturday morning, and I stumbled through the door after 3a.m., with work only five hours away. It was great to see the Gster, Mallcy and Maffy again, and thankfully El Grande Queso went home at a sensible hour, thus avoiding the casino. We put the world to rights, and my campaign to get the Right Honourable Shouty elected to Parliament now has garnered a few more supporters. Normal service is resumed next week. If you get to a PC, we didn't win the lotto G-Spot, so unfortunately you will have to come home.

Friday Change

in honour of a new addition, tonight's Friday flyer will be taking place in Bingley town, instead of the Upper George. Mallcy finally mustered up enough swimmers to get their lass in the family way, the result was born late last week, a bouncing baby boy. So as is tradition round these parts, it's off to wet the babies head. Get in there Malcolm...

Why Won't They Let it Lie??

ID cards. Why? Why? Why can't they just give them up? Are their ego's that large? Do they think we are that stupid? Ms Smith, the home secretary, thinks that if our details are saved in different places they will be more secure. How? Will this not just mean there are more places for our details to go missing from? They will be compulsory for foreign nationals from outside the U.K. Does this mean all the illegal one's that the card is supposed to protect against, will be lining up to give themselves up? I can see the market for fake cards doing a brisk business, and it is just what our over burdened police force needs, more paper work to fill out for stop and searches. Security sensitive employees, such as airport staff, will also be forced to carry one. Why? The lack of airplanes exploding in mid-air indicates to me that the current procedures appear to be working rather well. She even dug out the old chestnut about it protecting us from rabid terrorists. The Madrid train bombers were all in possession of valid Spanish ID cards, and the London tube bombers would have all been entitled to any identity card that the government would have introduced as well. So will someone please explain to me how it will help curb this supposedly immanent threat? Then there is the cost. Ms Smith says the new measures will cut a billion pounds off the original pricing for such a scheme, but did not then mention what it would cost, or how it will be paid for, and how much we will be charged for carrying this stupid little card. No one, she says, will be forced to have one, so when no one stumps up any moola for it what will she do? Lastly, in the next year or so, a voluntary scheme for all students is to be rolled out. Hopefully when the take up is so pitifully low they will finally drive a stake through the ID databases heart. Even better though, by the time their timetable for a national roll out comes around, they will all be down the DHSS, dodging the chav underclass like the rest of us.

Stop The Nonsense

Old School Dust Up

A glut of injuries saw the return of two retired legends down the Wood, as Dr Shotgun replaced Young Gaz, and good old Two Scoops returned for a lame Dead Eye. The game was actually a pretty good laugh for a change, Jamon and the good Doctor picking up their old sledging almost immediately, and the Funky M and big JohnnyMedia also giving each other the big I am. Clogs picked up the scoring plaudits, but Shotgun was magnificent between the sticks, and buried the two clear chances he was presented with. A special mention goes to King Dave, who bravely hobbled through the game to make sure it was an actual five a side game. Two Scoops has ridden off into the sunset for good, so he says, and he scored a dribbler from the halfway line as a curtain call. Hopefully next week the teams will be back to usual, as getting two fairly even sides this week was a nightmare. Oh yes, I nearly forgot, the limp wristed arse bandits of the JMF were crushed 15-8.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, King Dave, Funky, Two Scoops and the Mercenary

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Shouty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Dr Shotgun

2008 Season

• JMF wins -3



• Euro Elite - 6



• Draws - 0

I Miss....

Proper cop shows. Stuff like the Sweeny and Starsky and Hutch, when after bringing the bad guy to justice, they got pissed and pulled birds. I know Life on Mars and the current series Ashes to Ashes feature Gene Hunt, a bit of a throwback copper from the 70/80's, but let's be honest. It sucks. A one trick pony that was stretched by the time of the second series of Life on Mars. At least it is more entertaining than the drivel served up on the differing CSI shows. On first viewing these seem good shows, the acting, special effects, soundtrack and settings are all first rate. But after watching three or four episodes, it all starts to become a bit distasteful. Why do all the crimes have to be so salacious? If it is not some brutal sex killing, almost always involving some extremely good looking woman, or even worse a child murder. We get the moody looks, a few SFX of either the bullet trajectory or blood splatter from a knife wound, a red herring and then they catch the guy. The perpetrator then confesses straight away. End of show. And repeat. All set to a Who soundtrack. Marginally preferable to Greys Anatomy is what I reckon. The English cop shows are even worse. The Bill is staffed by ex-Eastenders, and the dross that's put out by the BBC is an affront to tax, sorry, license payers. My advice? Stick yo the ITV digital channels, home to the Sweeny, the Proffesionals and Jim Rockford, proper shows, with proper theme tunes and bad guys.

The Week in Nonsense

Step forward Barnsley council, who are pushing to outlaw smoking outside pubs and restaurants. One of the councillors claimed in good weather, if he wished to eat or drink outside, smokers would pollute the area with smoke, in breach of the new smoking laws. My suggestion to the sane people of Barnsley, is to find this knobheads favourite pub/restaurant, fill up on beans, curry and Guinness, and then sit as close as possible to where he sits. The resulting fart-fest would hopefully gag him out, and make him wish he were smelling tobacco smoke instead. This is yet another example of how stupid laws spiral out of control. Little Stalins, like these fuckwits will only facilitate the demise of the unique British pub culture. Which brings us nicely onto all the idiots lining up to demand higher taxes on booze. Yet again, people like me and and you are to be punished financially, for the moronic few. The idiots who slam a bottle of spirits before they go out are not going to be deterred, in fact it will only lead to an explosion of booze cruises. One guy, a professor no less, claims supermarkets are "practically giving it away". What nonsense. Enforce the laws to hand if you wish to prevent underage drinking. When I was under 18, getting a pint, or served beer in shops was nigh on impossible, yet it seems 12/13 year olds are today free to but liquor with impunity. Enough already. But maybe we need to tax hardworking folk a bit more to pay for the ever increasing under class who think state subsidy's are a valid career choice. A fine example is the little scumbag on Tyneside, who at the grand old age of 21, has sired his seventh child, all to different slappers. And because the little sperm bank doesn't work, guess who is footing the bill? You and I, that's who. Don't be fooled into thinking this is a one off. At my kids school, there is a couple, who have four kids, only one is his, the rest have their own dad. Each. Anyway, not only do they see fit not to bother themselves with gainful employment, they can't even be arsed to raise themselves from bed in the morning to take their kids to school. Are they dragged to court? Are social workers called in to evaluate the problem? No, a teacher has to walk down and get them in a morning. Unbelievable. This ties in neatly to this weeks colossal waste of money story. £900,000,000 pounds has been spent to cut the amount of teenage truancy in this country over the last few years. Can you guess what the outcome of spending this vast amount of cash was? The rate actually went up 10%. How can you spend that kind of money on truancy? What on earth was it spent on? The mind truly boggles.

STOP THE NONSENSE

Bantams 0 Daggers 2

After Tuesday nights performance of the season, we expected to stroll to victory against the lowly Dagenham & Redbridge. It also seemed the players did as well, in what can only be described as a woeful effort. Half the team, Thorne in particular, looked totally uninterested, and the ones who did, such as Colbeck, lacked the wit and wherewithal to prevent a below average team from bagging all the points. The game was dreadful.

Baz Watch;

When our erstwhile front man is off his game, he truly stinks the place out, and for the 20 or so minutes he played, he reeked. A missed penalty, followed up by a missed sitter, knocked the Bazmeister's usually decent hold up game out of whack, he couldn't trap cement on this performance, but the people slagging him off after the game seemed to forget the rest of the team stunk the joint out as well.

There is no pie rating this week, as our appointed guest reviewer was on the lash till gone 6 a.m., and couldn't face a Bovril.