Rained Out

The prediction has become fact, and the Rochdale game has been called off, due to waterlogged pitch. It is the only game in the North West of England, at time of posting, to be called off. C'est la vie, me the boy and Crespo are off for a few afternoon sherberts round town, to drown our sorrows. Fortunately for brother Aki this means his cropped head doesn't have an appointment with with a skirt wearing lady. So our first away jaunt now looks likely to be Notts County away on the 23rd of Feb, rearrangement of the Rochdale game not withstanding. It would be nice to see a strong turnout.

Typical

The great British weather is trying it's hardest to throw a spanner in the works for tomorrows opening 2008 away trip, as the referee will be holding a pitch inspection at midday to decide if the game will go ahead at Rochdale. The joys of lower league footie. You book a days holiday off work, butter up the missus, talk Crespo round and hold some brass in reserve for what? So some blind wanker who wears black can feel all self important and ruin a few thousand folks Saturday. It's not like the ball will spend that much time on the ground anyhow. So tomorrow could be a short day indeed. The next opportunity to travel would be to Macclesfield on the 2/2/08, but it is a match that barely sets the pulse racing. Much more appealing is the Notts County game on the 23/2/08, a game held in a city, that if memory serves, has the UK's only Hooters. Sounds like a goer to me.

Oui Wii

Have finally got round to purchasing a Nintendo Wii console, which as with any new toy has been getting some hammer. The sports is good, but I got Mario & Sonic Olympics as well, and it is quite addictive, when I can wrestle the remote off one of the bambinos. Most of the action involves moving the controls in an action not unlike one used to attain solitary satisfaction, if you know what I mean. My right arm hasn't been this busy since I was 15. Which also reminds me never to play this game with the Funky Knobhead or Paddy Mac for money.

Perfect Season Stymied

Well the cocksuckers destroyed our unbeaten season dream, and as much as it sticks in the craw, they whipped us. Everything started out well, we soaked up some early pressure, and eased to an early lead, but the Funky Knobhead must have laid off the wanking, as his vision was twenty/twenty as he banged in several goals to open a lead they were not to relinquish. Chief culprit for the ease of their victory, was the Right Honourable Shouty. The weekends deprivations took their toll, as he failed to comprehend what the fuck was going on around him, and for all I know may well be still wandering the Nab Wood five a side court wondering what the devil he is doing there. To his credit, his was not the only poor performance, as even Young Gaz joined in with the rest of us in giving a great Baz Conlon impression in front of goals, as sitter after sitter was spurned. Even with a goal keeping trio of Crespo, King Dave and Jamon we failed miserably to convert our chances. So after two weeks it is all square, with a long way to go.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Crespo and Dead Eye

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, European Bri, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary

2008 Season

• JMF wins -1



• Euro Elite - 1



• Draws - 0
  

More Mascots

Last week I introduced many of you too Brutus Buckeye, mascot of the mighty Ohio State Buckeyes American football team. In that posting i pointed out to the uninitiated that a buckeye is in fact a conker, a small nut that falls from a tree. This got me wondering about what other mascots are their that represent the sports team I follow, and if there was any quite as ridiculous (although I have to admit I find old Brutus kind of cool, with his big goofy grin, and smooth moves with the llladeeezzee). So this weeks follow up is the mascot I have probably witnessed doing his mascot thing the most, the City Gent. He seems to have been doing it for years, and after the mad monk of Bradford, is probably the cities most recognisable citizen. He is a fat bloke, with a face like a slapped arse, who dresses in a city kit with a bowler hat and brief case. Even more sinisterly he has a habit of dishing out sweets to young children sat near the front. Hell he even has a sponsor. Because of his rotundness, he is a prime target for the "Who ate all the pies chant", to which his response can be seen in a brief clip if you follow this link http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=5129025. Now he is not the only one, I believe the overgrown chicken that also parades around the pitch post kick off, is called Billy Bantam, although I would need to check up on this. Hang on, I am on the Internet, give me a minute.... What do you know, I was right. Once upon a time, during the halcyon days of our two premiership seasons, Billy B was also escorted on to the pitch by his wife, Mrs Bantam, and half born kid, Eggy. Can you guess what Eggy looked like? That's right, he was basically an egg, with two chicken legs stuck out (Jamon always reckoned it was Christine in the suit). But our stay in the top flight was all to brief, and as the club hit financial troubles, Mrs Bantam divorced poor old Billy and buggered off with Eggy to take up residence in a flat on West Bowling, where she is currently claiming single hen benefits, and young Eggy is struggling to come out of his shell. I still like Brutus best.

I Be Castaway

Yaarrgggh, ye boil infested turd burglars, had ye be thinking I be joining Davy Jones in his locker? I be castaway on Christmas Island, legless on Ale and Rum, waiting to be making me return. That scurvy cum bucket King Dave took advantage of me oversight, that the las McEuro featured the full address along the front of the of the establishment I be guzzling me grease in. So this week it's a nice easy one fer ye to be figurin' out, if ye canbe guessin'



"Where Be MMMcEEEurooo!!"

Bon Voyage Dangerous Pete

So it is farewell for at least the next twelve months to Dangerous Pete, the Co-Op will seem a lot less colourful. It was a good turn out at the Wilsden conservative club, it was nice to see all the Skipton buccaneers again, but my recollections are all a little bit hazy, as me, Shouty and Crespo celebrated the Mighty Bantams earlier victory, with perhaps a little to much gusto. After shellacking several Warsteiners down at Fanny's Ale House in Saltaire, we were pretty greased on arrival. It was good to see a lot of old friends, who I should make a point of seeing more, but myself and Crespo had to leave Shouty to fly the flag as we were both working the next day (believe me, it was not fun waking up the morning after), and to be honest I was toast. I still have no recollection of how I made it from Wilsden to Clayton, but judging by the amount of money I had left in the morning, it wasn't cheap. The rest ended up at Justine's and Ian's, the pictures posted by Danielle on Facebook lead me to believe it was a rather messy affair. So its off to broaden horizons for the hairy one, and his cleaner shaven bro, good luck, and I hope you have a ball.

Bantams 3 Magpies 0

Strewth, an easy victory, over the worlds oldest, and on this performance most woeful, professional team. If not for their keeper, and some wayward shooting, this could have been embarrassing. Peter Thorne was the undoubted star turn, scoring a well executed hat trick ( I missed the last goal as Ike needed a slash, seems a pattern is developing). So it is off to Rochdale on Saturday with Crespo, The Boy and Aki, to see if we can start gaining some momentum for a play off push. That is all there is really left to say, as the game wasn't really any great shakes. As I mentioned at the beginning of this report County made little of the match. Once again there is no food rating, have been through the menu, but next week we will be putting Rochdales famous pies to the test.


Baz Watch;

Played full 90 minutes, wearing, as ever, his go faster stripped white boots. A masterly display of the art of the big target man, but yet again proved mortal in front of goal. his first effort was a good save, but he was one on one with the keeper and should have done better (according to Crespo, Ike needed a slash, again). The second half proved no more fruitful for our shiny headed hero. Twice he found himself in space in the box, only to have his usual Brazilian like skills fail him, as he appeared to be penalised both times for hand ball. But he ran the County centre halves ragged, his dying swan to win numerous free kicks, is truly a sight to behold.

Super Size Me!

I am sat here watching "Super Size Me", the documentary about the geezer who ate nothing but super sized McDonalds meals for a month, and surprise, surprise put on weight. But it is not this fella that is really annoying me, it is all the wishy washy, poor me lard arses who are holding junk food companies responsible for their present width. Here's an idea fatso, try eating less! "All the adverts make me hungry", "oh I wish I could be thin, like all the models in the magazines", they bleat. Get a fucking grip. Try exercise, sofa growth. And what makes it worse, is all these do gooders who are happy to tell them its not their fault. Ban the advertising and these gluttons won't stop. And what does the government and local councils do when they get clinically obese? Instead of prescribing exercise, they give them little mobility scooters so they no longer need to walk, eliminating the only exercise they do. And whose fault is it that in some places the only playground is at a MaccyD's? It wouldn't be the local councils, who continue sell off playing fields and green belt land to greedy developers would it? And as for nutritional value on the packaging, who goes through the day tallying it up to make sure they don't exceed their daily allowances? And as for McNuggets being made up of scratty old chickens, hello! Like the industrially farmed, shrink wrapped chickens on disply in your local supermarket chain are any better. Don't even ask what goes into donner kebab meat. The sad fact of life is that people croak. They die of all kinds of things, and all you can do is inform folk, that certain activities will either prolong, or decrease life expectancy. Lets face it, most people of average intelligence, and above, know what is good for them, and what is not by the time they reach 6 years of age. This doesn't stop the little blighters wanting to eat junk all the time, but that is where responsible parenting comes in. If their parents are not up to the task, I believe it is up to the rest of us to cry "Squeal little piggy" at them, and shame them into shedding a few pounds. And an other thing, the pension crisis, we are living to long apparently. Well doesn't that mean the bloaters are doing all the folk who eat responsibly a favour? Back to the film, it is nothing short of a hatchet job, that seems to blame junk food for all of Americas ills, from stupidity to lack of sexual prowess. In fact I might just drive down to the local 24 hour McDonalds and Super Size me a Big Mac Meal, with a fat laden McFlurry to follow. Aren't I the rebel.

Shouty Backs Out

With the Dale match only a week away, the right honourable shouty has decided he can't make it. his excuse is that he needs to look after his bambinos. Fair enough, you say, and i agree that it is not an excuse, it is an honourable action to take. But I am sure that he asked to look after them, instead of just standing up and saying "I don't want to go". What did he think I was going to do? Frog march him to the train station? Kidnap him? Who the fuck would pay the ransom? For this heinous act, I am calling him out as a big skirt wearing nonce. next time you can't make it matey, don't hide behind your youngsters.

Now Crespo is whining about going. Don't think I won't stick you in a skirt as well, matey.

Controversial Start to 2008 Campaign

After last weeks false start, thanks to the Funky Knobhead, it was all systems go. Full sides were out, with no substitutions. The Mercenary made his full debut as a member of the righteous Euro Elite, taking the place of the sadly retired Dr Shotgun, who has left to get more letters after his name. As can be expected the opening skirmishes were tame as cobwebs were blown off, the seaman loving JMF taking an early lead. But they were unable to make their early pressure count and the Elite opened a three goal lead. this wasn't to last long, as we tired they unleashed the Tasmanian devil like Luklear War, who proceeded to kick, barge and menace anybody in possession of the ball, and one or two folk who were no where near it. At one point he even legged the wall. This amazing spectacle of recklessness invigorated the MoFo who not only equalised, but opened a two goal lead and seemed to be cruising. Thankfully for the Euro E, the walking "penalty waiting to happen", that is King Dave lived up to his reputation, waltzing into his own area to give a blatant penalty. My the MoFo did cry. But rules are rules, and as Funky and Jamon went into meltdown and Luklear began to even kick himself, we wrestled back the advantage to take the lead, JohnnyM and Young Gaz doing the damage. The cock munchers managed to regain some composure, but nifty defending by the Mercenary and Shouty, limited the always dangerous Dead Eye to half chances, and although they pulled to within one goal in the dying seconds, the equaliser proved beyond them. One nil to the Euro boys, but there is a long way to go yet.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Luklear War and Dead Eye

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, European Bri, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary

2008 Season

• JMF wins -0



• Euro Elite - 1



• Draws - 0
  

Curse Update and Other Stuff

Well the curse held up. The Buckeyes got off to a flyer, just to raise expectations, and then LSU rodgered 'em. Suppose you can't expect a conker to beat a tiger. So the focus of the curse moves firmly back on to the Bantams who take on Notts County this Saturday. The week after is Rochdale away, the first away game of 2008, and it is pay on the gate, so no need for advance tickets. After the game this weekend, it is bon voyage to Dangerous Pete, the Pirate Scourge of Wilsden, as he takes off to sail the globe for twelve months. We are having a bit a of a shindig for him down the Con Club in Wilsden from 19:00 hours on. Sorry for the brevity of this posting, but I need to get ready to open the 2008 campaign down the Wood, as the Righteous aim to smite the cock crazy MoFo.

Killjoys

Well would you belive it. After being posted for nearly a year, and after over a 1,000 viewings, someone on YouTube, has flagged my German Beers video as inappropriate, and it has been removed. If they think thats "inappropriate" they should see my home movies with the Elster. Saucy. Honestly, who are these offended people? A few birds in skimpy clothing, and a fat bird chundering is hardly the most depraved thing you are likely to stumble upon on t'internet. So for those of you haven't seen it before, or just want to have one last look, here it be...

Will the Curse be Broken?

In the early hours of this morning, the Ohio State Buckeyes take on the L.S.U. Tigers for the college U.S. football championship in the New Orleans Superdome. As regular readers are aware, when it comes to sport teams, I have the Midas touch in reverse, turning any team I support into poop. Sometimes my teams lose bravely, more often than not woefully. So yet again my hopes are raised. Will this be the turning point for the teams unfortunate enough to garner my support? I will report tomorrow, probably through a veil of tears, but you just never know.






GO BUCKEYES !!!!!!!!

P.S. The chap with the oversized head to the left is Ohio States mascot, Brutus Buckeye. A buckeye, for those of you who aren't aware is in fact a conker. That's right, somebody decided back in the mists of time to name a U.S. football team after a conker. That bird he's carrying is smiling like he has his trouser conker stuffed up her Gary Glitter. Nice.

Tomb Raider Movie

I know movies based on video games are rubbish, and after watching the first movie of Tomb Raider, I suspected that the sequel would be even worse, but there was bugger all on the telly tonight, so I thought I would give it a spin. I was a huge fan of the first four video games, and although the last release on the PS2, Angel of something or another, was absolute garbage, I still am a fan. But this was without a doubt one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Not quite in the same league as the Nicole Kidman version of the Stepford Wives, but definitely in the same ballpark as Face Off. Why am I bleating on about this? Gives me an opportunity to post a gratuitous Jolie picture, of course. Enjoy.

Stop The Nonsense

The new year is but four days old, and the nonsense continues unabated. Gordon Brown has announced the NHS will look after you if you look after yourself. This may sound, on the face of it, quite sensible. But I should imagine when Health and Safety was introduced it seemed quite sensible. How long is it before we have to provide evidence that we are eating our "five a day" or or not exceeding our two units of alcohol per day? Will the health Fascists be stationed outside supermarkets to rummage through our shopping? Will we be given a weekly allowance of pub money? I can imagine smoke cameras outside pubs, that will issue fixed notice penalties telling you that you are no longer entitled to caner treatment. Paid in all your life? Tough. Yet I don't expect that there are many smack heads who hold down gainful employment. There seems to be an unending supply of Methadone though, hell they are even considering trialling free Heroin. And don't give me this bullshit about it being some kind of disease. I never heard of anybody catching crystal meth, or cocaine. Everybody over the age of five knows this shit is bad for you, addictive and against the law, so lets stop the victim crap right now. This means, by my reckoning, that if you get any kind disease that requires hospital treatment it will probably be advantageous to take up Horse. Then there is the Fatties. All the tax they pay on the junk they scarfe surely entitles them to some kind of aide from the NHS. As does the binge drinkers, who believe it or not, all seem to be in some sort of gainful employment. Why don't they get rid of some these pen pushers and bean counters instead. This is yet another example of the ineptitude shown by the idiots who are running the show, and just how far they are removed from real life.

So lets do something about it. We are told that not enough people are getting involved in politics. Voter turnout at both national and local level never gets much above 40%, and if you take away all the dodgy postal votes, I bet it wouldn't reach much past 35%. ask around, how many folk do you know who turn out to vote? Not many is it. So I am going to set up our own party. We are going to start small, the next general election we are going to run a candidate in the Shipley constituency. I have picked this area as it is a small majority seat, and it is home to a considerable amount of people whom we can get to vote for us, and can then by word of mouth pass our message on to like minded people who also live with in the voting boundary. Our candidate is going to be Shouty,(who will run under his real name) Paul Richards. To register the party costs £150, so donations and fund raising ideas will be welcomed. When it gets nearer to the time, the deposit to run for Parliament is £500, which is returnable if more than 2% of the votes cast are for our party. So if you never vote for anybody because "They're all the same", and are sick of seeing your hard earned tax dollar being spent on work shy baby machines, who blow all their benefits down the off license and their raggy arsed track suit wearing sperm banks, we are giving you a voice. It will be a long hard slog, but, if like me, you are sick of seeing and hearing career politicians who have no idea of what is really going on spouting off total nonsense, and then having your God given right to live your life as you see fit eroded, join us. I will be setting up a separate blog site to get our campaign up and running, and as mentioned before we need to raise £150 as soon as possible to get thing rolling. If you are with us, and able to make any donation, no matter how small, please get in touch.

What's on 2008

I am back to full fitness, and have decided to outline some of the plans for 2008. To get the year off to a good start a Bantams bender is only just over a fortnight away, as we take off to Rochdale. Aki and Bakes, plus the Volcano (hopefully) will be joining myself, Dazzler, Crespo and Shouty as we set off to supp beer and munch pie. Next up in February is the first of this years 40th's, as Tony Helmet hits the "life begins at" milestone. We are hopeful to hit the Scottish capital Edinburgh, dates are provisionally the weekend of the eighth. We are travelling up by train for a quick Friday to Sunday flyer. The next sojourn after this was planned to be Dusseldorf to watch the mighty TSV 1860, but it may prove to be a financial bridge too far, and at the moment has been put on ice. If sufficient numbers wish to go I am willing to resurrect, but at the moment it is looking doubtful. May is the time for the 8th annual FA Cup Final bender, which is usually watched in Bradford town centre. It's off to America then for me and the Boy Dazzler, and along with Big Al and American Frank we are off to visit the windy city of Chicago too see the Cubs play baseball, munch on some hot dogs, drink vast amounts of beer and go to Hooters. The summer months are going to be tough this year, after that dickhead McClaren fucked up the Euro 2008 footie tournament, but we will struggle on. I will try and and get together another pirate-fest, but we will see how things pan out nearer the time (King of the Pirates, Dangerous Pete is off to sail the seven seas). The big Bender Squad shindig this year is to be a week long road trip around Europe, we have two full motors already full, and John the Don is up for taking his six seater, so there should be some room. Watch this space for updates. So, off the top of my head, that rounds up the current state of play. Of course many things can happen, City could get through to the play off final, one of us could win the lottery, get married or heaven forbid, pop his clogs, but I reckon this is a pretty good start. The one Bender that will come up in the summer is John the Don's 65th. He rang up the other day wanting to go on a Mediterranean cruise for a week. Our lass says I can go if I redecorate the front room, so I am not going. There is also always room for another bender, so if i have missed any anniversaries, birthdays, stag nights etc., let me know and we can get something put together. I know quite a few of you were keen to do the Oktoberfest again, but my liver has just about recovered from last year. Of course 2009 will be a different proposition.

Funky Knobhead

Well the start of 2008 five a side footy challenge has been postponed, as a certain idiot forgot what day it was and didn't turn up. No prizes for guessing the empty headed culprit. Just as he gets his driving licence back, and loses the Pedestrian tag, he is to be punished by having it replaced with Knobhead till the end of February. Everyone else managed to remember, those who couldn't make it, myself included, managed to make alternative arrangements, but idiot boy was still tucked up in bed, after a hard New Years making a nuisance of himself around the outback that is Wilsden. Rumour has it he managed to get kicked out of two house parties, and was wandering the cobbled back alleys in a drunken stupor, when an old girlfriend took pity and offered him sanctuary for the evening. If this is an indicator of how the newly single Funky K is to conduct himself throughout 2008, the Maillot Jaune will be nigh on impossible to wrestle from his grasp (unless Lefty is granted full Squad membership). On the plus side he makes good copy for this blog, so long may it continue.

Spicy Soup and City: A Recap

Hello everybody, still a bit under the weather, so this is a mish mash of last weekends shenanigans. again the bantams followed up a victory with a comprehensive defeat at home, this time at the hands of Hereford. Not a bad display, but the opposition showed what a team with a couple of players who can cross the ball, and another couple who can convert these chances can achieve. It was the first outing for Willy Topp, our Chilean acquisition, who will have to make a pretty big impact, as the money spent on him meant our top scorer, Big Dave Nsumbu-Ngbungo has returned to Gillingham. It was a nasty day, and the pitch was swamped, so judgement will be reserved for anther outing, in this case Notts County on the 12/01/08. It was off to Otley next, yes Mercenary, the Shouster worked out there was no train station, for the Saltaire lads traditional Spicy Soup. It wasn't bad, the soup that is, and yes it was plenty spicy. Not enough so for the boy Lefty, who decided to liven his up, in a Funky-esque manner, with a double vodka. But one was not enough, he had two, and made everyone sample a bit. He decided to call it S.V.S. (Spicy Vodka Soup), but I prefer to call it Bile, as it tasted like that stuff you gip up in your mouth and re-swallow. He somehow, quite remarkably it has to be said, manged to keep this new cocktail down, but it wasn't to last for long. At the next bar, he pestered the barman as too which was the hottest condiment he had to hand. He in turn produced a chilli sauce of volcanic potency, which once again ended up in a double vodka. This time our hero went deep crimson and burst for the door, gagging. The bar keep came to his aid, giving him a glass of milk to put out the flames. This in turn gave the following stream of vomit a lovely fluorescent whiteness at it hit the pavement. There is video footage, Finny blue toothed me his, but it didn't turn out right on my phone(poor pics and no audio). This made the Leftster hungry, and he decided to take us to a pub that he claimed to serve the best steak sandwich in the land. We arrived to be told they hadn't served food for twenty years. We may have found a new challenger to match the Funky one. We finished off throwing shapes in a pub, but none of us were a match for Otleys own Tony Manero, who spanked that ass all night, dancing the same moves to every song that was played, in his funky waist coast. Finally, it was off to the Casino, where I lost miserably, and Shouty fell asleep.

Happy New Year

Ay oop folks, apologies for the lack of action recently, but I have been struck down with a stomach virus that is none too pleasant, and saw in the New Year ligged on the sofa feeling like shit. Thank you to everyone who sent a text, in particular Dazzler, Tony H, Mercenary, Crespo, Helen and the Shoutster. Happy New Year to all. I will post an agenda of benders that will outline our plan of attack for 2008, but I am off back to the sofa right now, as I am still unwell. I will also post a report of spicy soup day, or Otley-fest as some of the Shipley crew referred to it. There was buffoonery a plenty, particularly from one chap, who is known to most of you. I also look forward to hearing other deeds of idiocy that took part during old years night.