JB Romps to Victory

The 2010/11 Bendership Trophy was won at somewhat of a canter this time round, as Big JB took the lead early on, and strolled to his second title, by a whopping 159 points, which I do believe is a record. Rocking up in second, four the foruth year in succession was yours truly, Euro Bri. Although I performed well after the transfer windows, I am in danger of becoming the Arsne Wenger of fantasy football. In both third and fourth was a former winner, Lobon, whose two teams pushed the reigning champion machine down to fifth, and the Europa League spot. Bringing up the rear, and collector of this seasons wooden spoon, is young Mr Corry. Will facebook, message and e-mail all with next terms details at the start of the next campaign.

• 2011 Big JB
• 2010 Machine
• 2009 Machine
• 2008 Big JB
• 2007 Lobon
• 2006 Shouty

Offski

Right, it is time once again for me to take off on yet another International adventure. This time i am off to the good ole U.S. of A, for nigh on three weeks of pleasing myself. That's right, I am off on my own, leaving the Elster and the kids at home. I will miss them, but probably not until I have been there for at least 18 days. I will try and keep up some form of posting, and will be en devouring to keep the Wood scores up to date. Till then, adios!

Downward Spiral Continues

This will have to be quick, as I need to get some shut eye before I embark on my American sojourn, but the title kind of gives the give away. Our early season hubris is now beginning to haunt us, as we have hit a poor run of form. Due to substitutions, the evil JMF did field a stronger side, but they weren't as good as the score line suggests. They won by a clear six goals, and barring a mini revival that got us within three, there was nary a doubt about the ultimate victors. Don't get me wrong, they outplayed us in every department, but the fact is, barring Shotgun who had a good game, our team sucked. We just didn't show up, and even worse, we threw the towel in. Can we turn this current malaise around? I am missing now for three games, so hopefully a change in personnel will help, although I hope not, as that would indicate that I am the weak link. On this occasion though, I am willing to take a hit to my ego, as we sorely need to get back into the running.

Moment of Match
A nicely worked goal, which Dead Eye was the architect of. He saw of a challenge by Euro Bri, and took of down the wing, before squaring a beautiful pass into the path of a striker who tapped in. Shame it was Clogs, who plays for the Righteous. Shame that it didn't really matter in the end up.


JMF- Dribbling Dan, Luclear War, Dead Eye, Padawan and King Dave

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Big Phil the Octopus, Dr Shotgun and Crespo

2011 Season

JMF wins - 11

Euro Elite - 8


Draws - 2

Killer Keisters-Sabbatical

Now the ass fans, I am off abroad for a few weeks, so this will be the last Killer Keister for three weeks. Seeing as I am in the holiday spirit, this weeks thread is in honour of summer time. I know we have featured a plethora of butts by the beach already, but a fine arse is a fine arse, so i make no apologies for revisiting this theme. So enjoy another round of sandy cheeks and bikini clad babes as I jet off for some well deserved R&R.


So there it is, my batch of beach butts all used up. Can't promise that we won't return to the seaside again at a later date (in fact I know we will) as it does seem to feature in an awful lot of photo shoots. Anyway, I am off. This weeks G.A.S. is all that's left to post, and Killer Keister will return some time in mid June. Adios muchachos!

P.S. I know I have used the picture above before, but I like it.

Hertha Berlin 1 Der Lowen 2

I know this about three weeks to late, but hey, I am an idle fuckwit, so what did you expect? Still it is worth reporting on, as at the sixth attempt, I finally got to see the mighty 1860 win a game. Of course the winner was scored as yours truly was pointing Percy at the porcelain, and totally missed it. Luckily, thanks to the wonders of Youtube, I got to see the goal on my return, although it would appear it has since been pulled. Twas by far the best performance by the lads, that I have witnessed at least. It didn't look like that at first, the Hertha fans were well up for it, a victory would have seen them earn the title, and buoyed by a crowd expecting glory, they got off the mark first. With the game being something of a dead rubber for the Lions, I settled back and waited for Hertha to cruise to a victory. But the lads in blau und weiss kept it together, and refused to bow down. The equaliser came whilst the Shotster was at the concession stand ordering in a bucket of beer, which made my missing of the later score a bit more bearable. 1860 played out the rest of the match, and at the final whistle were well worth their win. The train ride home was a bit of a hoot, with our German cousins enjoying give myself and the Shoutster a blow by blow account of the previous summers 4-1 demolition of England during the World Cup. They even took our jibes about fielding three Poles and a couple of Turks in good humour. Until it all kicked off further down the line, and we had to walk for about a mile to get a cab.

Shouty Watch- A classic Shouty performance. He managed to endear himself with a coachload of Hertha fans on the way in. Once at the stadium he got himself lost, whilst dicking around with his new i-phone. He sank a shitload of beer, and then, with only twenty minutes of the game left, bought us a couple of huge beers that were supposed to last the whole match. We managed to polish them both off by the final whistle, and then he was off again, trying to explain to a German chap how to take a picture with his phone, in a manner that made one thin k that they didn't have such wondrous technology in this neck of the world. Turned out the guy new his phone better than him, and actually gave him a quick tutorial on how to use the flash. A truly magnificent showing 11/10

Killer Keisters

Welcome ass fans to this weeks Killer Keisters. First we have a little minx giving us the benefit of her pert little butt via mirror. Reflected glory if you will. But what ingredients are needed for the perfect posterior? Well it looks like the buns below are knocking up some buns of their own. Never mind licking the bowl, drag that ass over here!



I have no real musings on the photo below, other than I love the the shape of the keister. Hell yeah!



Last but not least, this weeks Gratuitous Ass Shot (G.A.S) Nothing fancy this week. Just does what it says on the tin.

Away Day- Hertha Berlin

Finally, I have managed to upload my pictures from the 1860 game in Berlin. But that is only because they are off my phone, the only piece of equipment my beleaguered computer seems to recognise via a USB connection. Any how, enough of my PC woes, and on to the first Away Day of 2011.

This year our Lowen trip was to Berlin, to watch them play champions elect Hertha. Alas, due to the kick of time, neither Downhill or the Major were able to make it to the ground on time, and the rest of the usual suspects were grounded by a combination of money (lack of) and spouse (lack of understanding) So for the second time it was left to the intrepid duo of my good self and the Right Honourable Shouty. The ground is something of an anomaly in Germany. It actually isn't that far from population. Not close mind, but not a good forty minutes by train or bus. The place was originally built by the Nazis for the 1936 Olympic games. It is this combination of bombast and efficiency that gives the place a very original look. From the purpose built U-Bahn stop, via the short stroll towards the stadium, it has a very nostalgic feel to it. Approaching the entrance there is a row of wurst and beer stands to soak up a bit of pre match, before entering through the very grand pillars sporting the Olympic rings. The one strange thing about the place, is that it seems to have been built into a natural amphitheatre, so there is no concourse running round the stands. This means all the concessions stand are on the outer perimeter, and the toilets are a port a cabin outside the ground all together. But the inside is magnificent. Even though it has a running track around it, you don't feel like you are miles from the action. The roof, which was added for the 2006 World cup final, does a fine job of keeping the noise in as well, and the home fans certainly gave it their all. This is, in short, the kind of stadium that is unlikely to be built again. Instead we are left with the new faceless stadia, that are built to make sure you are never more than 50 metres from a concession stand, and have ample parking, due to the fact that are rarely in the actual borough of the team they claim to represent as home. No, I am afraid places such as this, which actually make you look in wonder and lift the soul, are going the way of the dodo. If you are in Berlin, I would highly recommend a visit.

Statistics

• Capacity- 74,500
  
• Concessions- It is Germany, so you know it's good. Beer vendors are every where (although they had all run dry by half time) and you could also get a three litre bucket of the amber nectar that would pretty much last you throughout the game (Shouty bought ours twenty minutes before full time) The wurst was also excellent.
  
• Built-1936
  
• Did You Know?- Has there ever been a stadium that could claim the history of this one? Jesse Owens won his four gold medals within these walls, and Usain Bolt established world bests for both the 100m and 200m on the new track. Italy won their fourth World Cup here as well. However, there plans to demolish it at one point, due to it's Nazi legacy.
  
• Visited By- Euro Bri and Shouty
  
• Rating- Mount Olympus- One of the finest looking stadiums I have ever seen. The exterior is pretty much a one off original. Inside it's no slouch either, although the openness of the ground doesn't give it the intimidatory feel of places such as the Bernabeau, which is probably the only place that I would rate as a better football stadium.

Losing Streak Continues

An unremarkable game was played out down the Wood last night, as the JMF eased to a three goal victory. From the off the had the measure of an out of sorts Elite. Dead Eye and Luklear had their eye in, and scored some fine goals. In fact the score could have been a lot worse had it not been for some fine keeping from Euro, Padawan and Clogs. In fact the Righteous did well to pull the score back to respectability from an eight goal deficit. But the seemingly unbeatable Euro Elite have not been able to field their starting five for over two months, and the momentum that had been built up during the early skirmishes has disapated totally. Still there is plenty of time in the season to recapture our form. especially as holiday time is fast approaching, and next week sees the female dodgers lose two of their starting five. Time to turn the tables? we shall see.

Moment of Match
There were a couple of contenders. Luklear War's brilliant goal. Dead Eye's dribble and score. Euro's slow motion save. Clogs backward fall with nobody near him. But the winner was something of a rarity. Big Phil the Octopus scored a goal. And it wasn't a toe poke, or fluke either. He brought the ball under control, looked up and curled it into the far corner. A fine effort, even though it was past Jamon, whose movement between the sticks is reminiscent of a fully grown oak tree.


JMF- The Mercenary, Luclear War, Dead Eye, Jamon and King Dave

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Big Phil the Octopus, Padawan and Crespo

2011 Season

JMF wins - 10

Euro Elite - 8


Draws - 2

Bantams Season Review 2010/11

Have just checked out what I posted about last season, claiming it to be the most woeful in living memory. Well compared to this season just gone, it was a glorious campaign. That's right, the 2010/11 effort is officially the worst by a Bradford City squad since I was born. Words fail me, it was so dismal. Everybody thought we had the right man at the elm, and after a strong finish at the death last term, we were all hopeful of at least playoffs. Instead we flirted with the ignominy of semi-professorial footie in the Conference. Allay this to the strong showings of local rivals Leeds and Huddersfield, and we were made to look the laughing stock of West Yorkshire. Even Crespo lost the faith, and missed a few home games. Which brings us nicely on to the question of Valley Parade. Will the Bantams even be playing there come the Autumn? It's looking decidedly doubtful that we will, given the high rent that the land lords charge. Never mind the Premier League, Division One looks light years away.....

Player of the Season
Easy this one. David Syers proved to be just about the only shrewd bit of business Peter Taylor did during his disastrous tenure at Valley Parade. By far and away the most consistent and effective player of the shambles of a team. And what did Peter Jackson do on his arrival as care taker boss? Benched him. Will be very surprised if he is wearing claret and amber at the start of the next campaign.

Biggest Disappointment
You could make an argument for every single person connected to the club, as either player or board member, but the one that takes my award is Peter Taylor. How the fuck this guy got anywhere near the England set up is beyond me. Poor signings, erratic team selection and the most turgid of tactics soon turned even the most optimistic of Bantams fans into suicidal doom mongers. Typical was the game against Lincoln, when at 1-0 up, he told Daley to stay in his own half. Result? A 2-1 defeat to a team that got relegated. At home. Yes he seems like a genuinely nice bloke, but he handed out stupid contracts, to a bunch of carpet baggers, more interested in in getting paid, than playing for the shirt. Thanks to him, the club is fucked.

Away Day
Due to the rank ineptitude shown throughout year, we only bothered with one away game. How long ago it seems, since we went one up against Shrewsbury.... Before getting spanked 3-1 by the final whistle. Nice ground, loud fans, it pretty much wins by default.

Pie of the Year
If the Shrews win the Away Day award by default, their pies win deservedly. They were damn fine. The Cottage Pie, with mashed spuds and lovely juicy filling would have been a worthy winner even if I had gone to all 23 away games. It is proudly added to the roll of honour;

2011 Shrewsbury Town
2010 Rochdale
2009 Rochdale
2008 Lincoln City (for it's marvellous sausage sarnies)

Killer Keisters

This week is a bit of a rush job, as I am on my way out for the cup final. So all there is for me to say is.....Enjoy!

Heroic Failure

Sorry about the delay in posting this weeks Wood result, blogger was down on Thursday, and I went on the razz last night. I am shortly off to meet Jonesy in Wakefield, so I will have to keep this brief. Once again we fielded a couple of stand ins, but this week we put up a heroic effort that sadly fell just short at the death.

Moment of Match
A tough one to call this week, as there were three outstanding saves, so it I am honouring each one as this weeks Moment(s) of Match. First was an amazing instinct save by Euro Bri from Luckelear war. A point blank smash that was turned round the post. The next two, one from Dead Eye and one from Padawan, were great full length dives to foil a certain score.


JMF- The Mercenary, Luclear War, Dead Eye, Jamon and King Dave

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Big Phil the Octopus, Padawan and Dr Shotgun

2011 Season

JMF wins - 9

Euro Elite - 8


Draws - 2

Spring Buffoon Update

It has been a while, for sure, but the end of the winter silly season and the start of the sunny silly season, are often quite a fallow time. But the tree's are beginning to flower, and folk are starting to cast of the winters woe's. And there was a Bender in Berlin. Granted there were but four of us who made the journey, but as usual idiocy was about. Although not as much as usual. There was the usual one point verbal fuck ups. major asking for a Turkish coffee in a Greek style taverna. Downhill asking if the Brandenburg gate was some kind of bar. Then earning an extra point by trying to claim he didn't know what we were on about because we didn't say it in German. We know your from Shipley duggy, so nice try, but it ain't going to fly. I myself scored a for pointer, after leaning against a door and ending up flat on my bask, Del Boy style. So what of former winner, and perennial contender Shouty? Of course he came home top scorer, but not as highly as is usually anticipated. His main boner was being unable to work out how to get back to his hotel room in the early hours. So he had himself a kip on the street. After a concerned passer by asked if he required the police, fearful he had been mugged, he moved to the nearby U-Bahn station to continue his snooze. Eventually he realised where his digs were. Across the road, about 20 metres from where he originally laid his head. Five points. We were going to award him another for falling asleep in a jazz club, but he had been up all night. But he does score one for mistaking the piano player for a man, even after she pointed out to him that she was a her.

On the home front, John the Don scores one point for just being John the Don, and Crespo say's Sandro deserves on, but I can't remember what for. Child catcher gets a point as well, for a misdemeanour that also slips my mind. Current leader Dessi keeps his challenge. Coming back from Greece via Dusseldorf, the plant pot managed to smash two killepitsh bottles on the shuttle to the plane. This earned him a bollocking from the driver, and my personal ire, as one of 'em was mine. A definite two points. Last up, in a similar vein comes Sprocket. I asked him to bring some Belgian beer back from his trip to Bruges. Instead of stopping at a local Carrefour, he decided to drive right across Belgium, past all the French supermarkets, and straight into the Chunnel terminal. Which doesn't sell them. Either that or he is lying to me, and has drunk them all. He is still getting a point, the toss pot.... Current standings in the race for the Maillot Jaune.

1. Dessi 22 points
2. Euro Bri 20 points
3. Il Fromaggio Grande 16 points
   
4. Papillion 15 points
5. Shouty 9 points
   
6. Trigger 7 points
   
7. G Spot 7 points
8. Crespo 7 points
9. Gruber 4 points
   
10. JohhnyM 3 points
11. Geester 3 points
12. John the Don 2 points
13. King of the Pixies 2 points
14. Child Catcher 2 points
15. King of the Pixies 1 point
16. Sprocket 1 point
17. Daniel-san 1 point
18. Big JB 1 point

FA Cup Bender

This is the eleventh year of our annual FA Cup Final bender. It has seen it's ups and downs over the years, from highs of 10+ attendees, to as little as four, but the result is always the same. One of Helmets bets come in, and we end up drunk. This year, due to the Seemingly irreversible decline of Bradford city centre, we are off to Wakefield to watch the game, at some newish sports bar. There are already several commitments, and if we are blessed with the weather (and we always are) it has the makings of a good 'un. Rendezous is Lloyds in Centenary Square for between noon and one. If you are late, you will need to be catching us up, as we are not going to get bogged down in Bradford, as happened last year. For those of you running late, here is it's location:


View Larger Map

Killer Keisters

Ay oop ass fans, it's once again that time of the week. This week, as I am in a bit of a hurry, I shall be keeping my comments short and sweet. Even though my suspicion is that this is there is only me who reads them. Still my babbling is not what you are all here for. So this week, enjoy a trio of perfectly pert bums framed by stocking and suspender belts. Hope you enjoy as much as I have.... ;)




Oh what the Hell. The last one was going to be the G.A.S. but I am in a good mood this week. So enjoy this strangely erotic book cover...

Lame-O's Draw Level

Once again, the MoFo had to field a substitute, and yet again he proved to be a bit of a ringer. Then again, their spawny victory couldn't all be put down to this fact. Prior to playing, the nefarious JMF also smeared the court in some shiny substance (KY perhaps?) that put us right off our game. Still, we almost pulled off a most remarkable come back, that was only stymied by a vicous verbal assault on Big Phil the Octopus (see moment of match) after which we sunk to a four goal loss. The goo (Man Juice?) that the MoFo had covered the court seemed to make the ball sticky. Time and again an opening was spurned as the ball got stuck in the feet of each and every Euro player. Of course the Red Shirted Lady Dodgers are far more experienced in the handling of sticky substances and soon built up a healthy goal cushion. But the boys in white are always up for it, and it looked like we had wrested control of the game until the incident mentioned below. Afterwards, The Octopus was put off his stride, and the evil puppy drowners made off with the victory.

Moment of Match
He plays a bit rough, granted, but the Octopus is never dirty. The fact is, the guy is in his mid fifties, and doesn't turn to quick. In fact a super tanker turning on the Leeds-Liverpool canal could probably execute a 360 degree turn faster than the multi armed one. So the reaction from the MoFo when the Big Fella brings one of 'em down is a bit over the top. A classic example was Jamon. The ball broke and the Octopus tried to turn and get to it, just as the Queen of the JMF was about to pass him. The resulting collision saw both bite the dirt, but the ball was already destined for the arms of the keeper. The over reaction by the ladies in red seemed to take the edge off his game, and left us playing almost a man down. This from a team that featured King Flipper. You never (well almost never) hear us complain when one us is volleyed by a size 18 trainer. And picking on a veteran like that....... Tsk, tsk.


JMF- The Mercenary, Luclear War, Dead Eye, Jamon and Dribbling Dan

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Big Phil the Octopus, Crespo and Dr Shotgun

2011 Season

JMF wins - 8

Euro Elite - 8


Draws - 2

Wieder zu Hause

By 'eck time flies when your having fun. Our five day jaunt was over in a flash (Apart from Monday, which was a bit of a slog for yours truly. Getting old sucks) and once again I am back in sunny Bradford. So Berlin. Was it gut? Yes it was. The place is a fair old size, and I reckon it might take three or four goes to get a handle on the place. But it has plenty going off, especially from Friday through to Sunday, when the place is buzzing. A true 24 hour place, catering for all shapes and sizes, it is the scale of the joint that is a bit bewildering for a quartet of first timers. Saying that though, the locals are more than happy to give you tips. A friendlier city you couldn't wish for, but this means we ended up in a lot of very German places, which tended to uber laid back and filled by folk our age being a tad responsible. Saying that, most of them were local places, charging local prices. A half litre of Berliner Pilsner was around €3 in the majority of them. Cocktails were pricier, but after three days of lager, a change was needed.


So much for the place. How did we get on? The Major and Downhill landed too late for the 1860 kick off, so it was just myself and Shouty who took in the game. I don't want to do to much on the stadium, or the game, as I would prefer to save that for an Away Days thread, once my poorly PC is mended. I well tell you that yet again the wristbands proved a great introduction to both Herths and TSV fans, the ground was great, the beer plentiful, and at the sixth time of asking, Der Lowen finally pulled of a victory. Guess who was having a piss when the winner was scored? That's right, yours truly. The train ride home was quite fraught. Hertha fans apparently kicked off with a bunch of Dresden hooligans (?) so the U Bahn was emptied, and we were left having to use shoe leather for the next 2 or 3 kilometres. Things got a bit tasty around the Zoolisher Garten, was glad we weren't wearing colours, so we got a cab to a bar near our digs in Kreuzberg. The Ankerklause was my kind of boozer. A bit of a dive, with a killer juke box, a clientele of friendly folk of around my age and great beer, at a great price (Pilsner Urquell at €3) And it was open late. Me and the Shoutster had been out all day, we had our first beer in Liverpool at around 8:30am, so I called it quits at around half two and left the lad with Major and Downhill.


The next day was started with a spot of breakfast, and sight seeing. We all hooked up around 11 ish, and found a sunny plaza at the Alexander Platz and started on the beer. The rest of the day proved to be quite an epic effort. We took in the Spurs Chelsea game in an Irish bar, and the parted for a quick shower stop, before rejoining in Kreuzberg. We sampled a wide array of different places. From dives to cocktail lounges, via a karaoke joint through a jazz club, all powered by Caipiranhas and Margaretta's well into the wee small hours. Downhill was wankered, so the Major took him back to his hotel. Myself and Shouty found a proper dive, and carried on our mission. This place had some serious characters as it's clients. Everything from young couples drunkenly sucking each others faces, to cruising Gaylord's. It was a cross between the later, who I am sure mistook my facial hair as an indication of my sexual preference, and an American dude with a guitar. His name was Charles, and he some how managed to get Shouty all bent of shape, and ready for fisticuffs. So at seven in the morning we finally decided to make good our escape. Of course, there was a twist in this particular tale. We got whitin about 50 metres of our hotel, when we chanced upon a young chap called Oliver, and his extremely hot girlfriend. "Hey guys, come to my party!" An offer we couldn't refuse. Well Shouty couldn't. I got an earful of the Techno blur emanating from the dance floor, and began to waiver. When I was asked to pay an entry fee, I called it a night. But not for long...


At 11:00 I was woken by Shouty, who announced we were going to a Jazz club. Luckily for him I was starving, and knew this place did an English style fry up. So off we went. And what a top afternoon it proved to be. The venue was a bar called Yorckschlossen. If you ever in town on a Sunday afternoon, give it a shot. The patrons were all knocking on a bit (as you would expect) but extremely friendly, as were the bar staff, who kept the beer and grub coming. All at a decant price. For about four hours Shouty owned the gaff. The the previous evenings depredations caught up with him. He fell asleep propped up against old Joanna in the corner, much to the mirth of the whole boozer. The Major and Downfall arrived, and we managed to rouse him, but it was plain to see that he was a spent force. We stopped for some grub and beer in a Greek Taverna, hoping he would summon up some unknown reserve, but he was done. This was not the end of the night. It was May Day after all, and just a few stops down the line we found a street carnival. It was very good, but I'll tell you this. Once you get past 40, that techno sounds just like a row. I did manage to keep going till two, but after an incident with a door (yes there is a couple points) and an African beggar (no points, I handled that one quite well) Downhill got me a cab, and I was done.

The next day was an odd one for me. I felt fine, but the lack of sleep had done for me. We saw loads of sights, went up a massive tower, and took lots of pictures. But I just couldn't snap out of it. Even a steak dinner wasn't enough to get me up and running, and I manged one beer, later, back at the Irish bar. Still, the day well have been the problem. As Downhill said, it was a good idea to have four full days, but having the Monday as one of them was a bit of a mistake. If we are to do the same thing again, we shall definitely make Thursday to Monday, not Friday till Tuesday. Lesson learnt. Still didn't get in till 2:30am, again.


So that was our Berlin Odyssey. I am going to try and add some pictures, but like I say, my computer is fooked. There will be a Buffoon 2011 update as well, along with a Gender or Bender post. Right I am off to see if this infernal machine can locate my camera/phone.....