Whose Booze?

This may, or may not be, the start of a random thread concerning our favourite thing in the world. Beer. Now I know a few of you young bucks will argue for shagging, and although it does have it's merits, in the long run it just cant compete with ale. You'll understand when your older, and some old bint has tied you down and turned off the tap. Plus beer lasts all night and you can do it with your clothes on.

Anyway, I have begun to ramble, and wish to return to what I was on about. Beer, that's it. This year me and Brother Shouty have embarked on a mission to sample as many of the different ales, lagers, porters, Pilsners, bitters, stouts, lambics, Trappist, Abbey, bocks, IPAs, kolsches, Dortmunders, Alts, Weissbiers, Wheat, doppelbocks, and whatever else kind of beer that momentarily slips my mind. I was going to create some form of checklist, but thought that might be a bit anal, so decided against it. I will let Shouty do it instead, as he has a greater propensity than I to be a nerd (even if it a beer nerd). So instead of collating some kind of list I thought to try and convey the spirit of the beer (did you see what I did there?) be comparing it with a member of the Bender Squad, so you can get some idea of it's essence. So with out further ado, let's get on with the first one.


Palm Speciale, is a dark ale, brewed in Steenhuffel, Belgium. It is a cheeky little number, with a dark hue, and a slightly fruity taste. At 5.4% it is fairly mental, but not full lobotomy style. A subtle and laid back tasting effort, it is ideal for sitting around in a boozer watching the football results come in, and bemoaning the fact that Shrewsbury town have just cost a grand. It comes in a smaller sized can, not unlike a coca cola can, and if it were a Squad member it could only be the King of the Pixies himself, Sandro.

Topsy Turvey

A strange start to the season indeed. Blackpool win at Anfield. WBA flirting with the top four. Liverpool in the relegation zone. And Crespo at the top of 2010/11 bendership table. Even stranger is Lobon in second and fourth, sandwiching Aki in third. These three clowns have never had a sniff of success in our annual fantasy footie league (Lobon won it a few years back with a team picked for him by his brother) so to find them leading the way at this stage of the season is more than a little surprising. Especially as Crespo took the "pick and stick" option (cheapskate) and was unable to transfer out Valencia, who is more or less done for the year. Will it last? I can't see it in Crespo case, but Lobons second placed team, combined with his ability to do transfers, is looking like it could take some beating. Still nowt is won before Christmas...

Postponed...For Now

No the game went ahead as usual, but the chance to put the 2010 season to bed was spurned by the Righteous Euro boys. It's no that we didn't play well, we did, but it has to be said that there was more desire on the side of evil, and a late burst of goal action in the final quarter saw the toss pots home. There double substitutions on both sides this week, a couple that could be long term, as both Two Scoops and King Dave are nursing knocks. But the sides seemed to be evenly matched, and for the majority of the hour played this was borne out by the closeness of the score line. The major highlights of this period of play were both provided be the MoFo Queen Jamon. First up was his clinical half volley, that swerved past goalie into the top corner of the netting. Shame it was against his own goal keeper. His next moment of buffoonery was to hit the cross bar, with a gaping unattended goal at his mercy. Luckily his blushes were spared with a goal scoring spree from the most unlikely of sources. Dr Shotgun stashed his blunderbuss, and racked up the goals, alongside the ever reliable Dead Eye. In fact, there was good call to nominate him as man of the match. Further to his cause was the brave save he made from Crespo, blocking full thundered shot with his face. At least there could be no damage done. So there we have it. A chance to be crowned "Kings of the Wood" in record time was blown. Still, the Shirt Lifters will have to remain unbeaten for the rest of the year to prevent the seemingly inevitable. They can not even afford to have more than one draw.

JMF- Dr Shotgun, Luklear War, Big JohnnyM, Dead Eye and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Big Phil the Octopus, Crespo and The Mercenary

2010 Season

JMF wins - 16

Euro Elite - 24


Draws - 1

Away Day?

Can you really call it an Away Day? On the 27th of November, which just so happens to be my birthday, plans are afoot to visit the Horsfall Stadium to see....... Bradford Park Avenue play FC Halifax Town. Why? Well the Bantams are in a Cup action at Colechester (which is MILES away) and Shouty has been pestering us for ages to go and see "his" team play. Of course there is also the carrot that it is a local derby against Gareeeeee's home town club, and he has also been suggesting going to a Shaymens game for a spell. Combine this with pies at a princely price of £1.50, and you sir, have a deal. So it looks like early doors in Wibsey, followed by the game, followed by God knows what, but it will feature gallons of beer, that is for sure.

Waylaid by the Devil

I had the best of intentions yesterday. The day got of to a good start. Considering it was a Sunday, I was up early (11:28 to be precise) and getting myself ready for a day of action. First up I stained the decking out back, before the winter came. Secondly I turfed the kids off to the local fair, and used my mighty charm to seduce the Elster. But this was where a spanner was thrown into the works. With all those endorphins released, I got to hankering for a beer, and after such a stellar performance I reckoned I deserved one. The thing is, there was only some Duvel left over from my Belgian trip. Four to be precise. I thought I'd just have the one, and then knuckle down to posting something to the blog. I fear you can guess the rest. Duvel is actually Flemish for the "Devil" and tasting as marvellous and smooth as it does, with an ABV of 8.5% it is easy to see why. Combine four bottles, a roast Sunday dinner and a bit of "How's your Father" and once again the Brister was snoozing away by early evening. Getting old isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be....

Killer Keisters

"Just a Good Ole Boys, never meaning no harm...." The opening line to the classic opening title song from the legendary Dukes of Hazzard. This show was an icon of the late seventies and early eighties, and was a a big favorite in the Euro household for one reason, and one reason only. The General Lee? A great car, and great stunts, but no, it wasn't for the bright orange Dodge Charger. Boss Hogg and Roscoe? The fat bad guy and his buffoon side kick were pretty funny, but it wasn't the reason I always tuned in. Bo and Luke? Do I look gay? No it was the sight of Catherine Bach, aka Daisy Duke, strutting around the Boars Nest serving beer and sporting the hottest of hot pants. It was no coincidence the end of each show was followed by a prolonged spell locked in the bathroom. Hell she was so fine, and them shorts so.....well short, that even today, the style bears her name. Of course the problem was finding a suitable shot of Daisy in a pose, that would tie into this thread. In fact they were all frontal shots, which I am afraid just didn't do justice to the mightiness of her pert arse. Luckily they made a film of the series a few years back, in which Jessica Simpson reprised the Hazzard County siren, and it also just happened, that she also sported a pair of the now infamous "Daisy Dukes." And she also has a killer keister! Hurrah! Problem solved. And as an extra special bonus for all you ass fans out there, I also stumbled across this fine specimen, showing of a pair the "Dukes" to the max. Nice.

New Discovery- The Result

So was it red hot? Did it match up to the mighty steak and ale? Or did it taste like dog sick? Well to be honest, none of 'em. It cooked up well, and past the kid test, as both of them thought it smelt real good. But Fiery? I fear not. Yes it loosened the snot yer snout, but gasping for water? No. It was more of a Chinese style of curry, and didn't have none of the poke, of say, a chillied up Madras. But it was fine up to warrant licking the plate. The Spiciness was a tad mild, but combined with chunks of chicken and a nice crisp pie case, complemented with plenty of chips, made for a nice hassle free chow down. It doesn't match up to it's stable mates Steak & Ale or Chicken & Mushroom, but was the equal of the Steak and Kidney/Mushroom, but probably a tad better than the slightly bland Mince beef and Onion. Still it was nice to try something a little different. If the genius pie makers at fry Bentos stumble upon my humble blog, may a be so bold to suggest a couple limited edition offerings? If we are going to go down the hot & spicy avenue, why not a Pork and Kidney Bean pie stuffed with Jalapenos and Habeneros? Or as a breakfast option, cheese, onion & bacon? I know I'd buy one. Or two. Or maybe ten. In fact, I am off to search out their web site, and put my ideas straight to them. Good night, and wish me luck!

And Then There was One

For a variety of reasons, the JMF have not played a settled team this year, due to a plethora of reasons, ranging from the obvious injury excuse, all the way to tidying out the bathroom. But this week a new low was hit by the MoFo. Out of their staring five, only ONE showed up. Hats off to Luklear War, who from here on in shall never be referred to as a rent boy again. Cock sucker, perhaps, but rent boy never. So once again I got to spend two days trying to rustle up some players out of thin air. (Dr Shotgun is exempted, he organised his own replacement) So considering the circumstances, I figured I had put together a reasonable team. Crespo, Big JohnnyM, Big Phil and One Scoop were drafted in, which meant, on paper, that the sides looked to be fairly evenly matched. But a team is not forged on paper, and although they gave us a run for our money (the game could have gone either way till the last ten minutes), our superior organization won out the day. Crespo had one of those nights when he could have had a hat full, but instead his shots hit the framework, and bounced to safety. One Scoop looked like he was going to run riot during the opening skirmishes, but again, we found a way to muzzle his threat. Big J, Luklear and Big Phil the Octopus, were all steady, but just not good enough. It didn't help their cause that we all had our shooting boots on, the goals were fairly evenly distributed, but the most spectacular effort of the night was Two Scoops spectacular air shot. He swung his left foot at it, with all his might, missed, and spun round so fast that I was half expecting him to take off, helicopter style, towards to ceiling. Brilliant. So we are now nine games in front, with a maximum of ten Wednesdays till the end of the year. I hate to tempt providence, but the fat lady is ready to burst into song.

JMF- Crespo, Luklear War, Big JohnnyM, Big Phil the Octopus and One Scoop

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Two Scoops, Shouty and The Mercenary

2010 Season

JMF wins - 15

Euro Elite - 24


Draws - 1

Discovery of the Week

Thanks to Brother Shouty this weeks new discovery. It is a brand new Fray Bentos pie flavour, Chicken curry, and is on sale NOw, for a limited time only and that purveyor of all things fine, Netto.. It professes to be "Fiery" and is about ready now. So I am off to scarf it down and shall return momentarily to give my thoughts on this new pastry delight.

London Trip- Dates change

Crespos 30th trip to the Smoke has been put back a week, as it now appears that a Shindig will be taking place the weekend when he actually reaches said mile stone. This now means frivolities will be happening the weekend of the 5/6 of February instead. Innit Bruv!

Bantams 3 Robins 1

Sorry about the delay in posting Saturdays match report, but I, and everybody else who was at Valley Parade, has just about come down off cloud nine after the most surprising off displays. Even when the lads went one down early on, you could see the team was vastly more confident than the last few games we had watched. Hell, I saw more shots in five minutes from the boys in mustard than I had seem all season. All over the pitch the side looked solid, and in the first half Daley was running them ragged. It was only a matter of time before parity was restored, and some tenacious tackling from O'brien set up Syers for the equaliser. At the outset of the second half new loanee Jason Price replaced the injured Daley, and proved to be an excellent change. After weeks of watching the head less chicken cross country running of Gareth Evans it was most refreshing to see a player who used intelligence and wit to run the attack. And it was the Afro headed hit man who set up Lee Hendrie to open his Bantams account with an over head kick. Still the lads flew forward, and only a couple hair line off side decisions kept the score to one. But this was a day of firsts, and instead of retreating into a defensive shell for the last five or so minutes, there by causing palpitations in the crowd, we continued to attack, and Hansen made sure with a low drive. Will the boys keep us on cloud nine? A tricky away game at Burton lies ahead, but if we can some how keep Price, and avoid injuries it is looking a lot more promising than it did a month ago.

Paperwork Penalty

Of course it was all going a little too well for one of my teams. Der Lowen had got of to a good start to the season, not quite a flyer, but compared to the last few seasons, a good one. But the Germans do not piss around when it comes to running their leagues. A club that finds itself in financial difficulty, or unable to continue due to lack of funds, is not put into administration and docked ten points, but banished to the semi professional regional divisions till they get their house in order. Hell, if you fail to get your paperwork in order, and don't provide the correct information, you get penalised two points. Guess which Bavarian football club fell foul of the later rule? I will even give you a clue. It's not Bayern. That's right, 1860. So instead of being six points of the top they are eight. You just know that it will be the difference, come the end of the season between trips to Dortmund and Shalke, and jaunts to places such as Oberhausen and Paderborn. Still, I suppose it is part of the charm of following them.

Still, all is not bad news. Yet. Fingers crossed for the Shoutster, who is hoping to find a better job, and will hopefully know by Wednesday night. This means the Berlin trip may once again be back on track. At the moment it is just myself, with the possibilities of the good doctor and the Mercenary. Fingers crossed for the running man (He completed the Bradford half marathon in seventeen hours on Sunday)

Discovery of the Week

Greggs now do a Pain au Chocolat, and coffee, for just £1.39. Take that Starbucks and Costa, and shove it right up yer arse! A great way to start the day, as the pastries are still warm out of the oven. I aim to make this an ongoing thread, try to find something new or different every week. i f any of you squad members come across something worth trying, please let me know.

Busy or Idle?

I will let you decide. As you can see, these are the first posts in a week, but instead of the usual attack of Bone Idleness, most of it is down to a hectic schedule this week, combined with working the late shift. Sunday afternoon was spent in the Villager with Crespo, The King of the Pixies and Gareeee, which of course resulted in the middle aged Euro falling asleep at 8:30 and not rousing till the next day. This meant I was far too grumpy on Monday. Tuesday I was way laid by a fish called COD till the early hours. Wednesday, myself and the Right Honourable Shouty, aided and abetted by Helmet, went to the New Inn in Denholme, and got locked in till gone midnight. Myself and Shouty then headed to his gaffe for Stag Dynamite Chilli, Daves Insanity sauce and Stella Artois. Combine this with all the real ales we had earlier in the night, and it got a tad messy. TOP TIP- Don't get insanity sauce in your eyes. It stings like a son of a bitch! This resulted in most of Thurday being spent on the porcelain throne with a bad case of ring sting. Friday night was a first. Me and the Elster went out for a few, which was very pleasant indeed, and it raised the possibility of her putting out sky high. Alas after some noodles from the Chinese I fell asleep. Getting old proper sucks some times. Anyway, me and Crespo are off to the game this afternoon, and then onto the pub, so I will, slumber permitting, be posting my musings on the Bantams performance over the weekend.

Killer Keisters

This week is an ode to the larger, rounder posterior, which is grand by me, as I am partial to the larger butt. Not a big gross one, that hangs round the back of the knees, but the big assed round one, built for taking from behind. As Sir Mix a lot opens with, "I like big Butts...."

Nail Biter

Bufon. Banks. Schmicheal. Yashin. Shilton. Euro Bri. That's what it seemed, as possibly the greatest ever display of goal keeping ever seen down the Wood repelled all attempts by the nefarious JMF to breach his goals. The fingertip save of a dead eye Exocet bound for the top corner drew gasps of amazement, even from Jamon, who thinks everything the righteous do is pure luck. But just as my shift was about to end, it all went Ryan Green. A powder puff curler from Crespo seemed destined to easily collected from the cat like Euro, but he made the school boy error of throwing the ball before it was under control, and slipped through his fingers and apologetically crossed the line. Did it prove to be crucial to the result? Yes, as the game finished dead locked at around nine a piece. Still it was probably a fair result, as both sides put in maximum effort, and ti lose by one goal would have been cruel to either side. The game, as is the normal at the moment, was a tightly fought affair, but instead of one side breaking away from the other, it remained with in a single score for the entirety of the match. But is a draw enough for the current title holders? It isn't the death of their retention hopes, but victories are what is required if they are not to have another appointment with photo shop and a gay conga line. Eight down with a maximum of 11 games left, means a Herculean effort will be required to overturn the Righteous lead.

JMF- Crespo, Luklear War, Dead Eye, Salty and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Two Scoops, Shouty and Big JohnnyM

2010 Season

JMF wins - 15

Euro Elite - 23


Draws - 1

Killer Keisters

This week, not one, not two, but several "Killer Keisters" for your delectation, all courtesy of the latest Reebok advertising campaign. "But why are they using an advert that features oodles of finely toned Keisters?" I hear you ask. Well it appears they have invented a trainer that features a device/design that tones up your backside just by wearing the shoes as you walk! Cripes, this could be the greatest invention in the history of mankind, as in the future we are no longer forced to watch wobble bottomed grub buckets waddle up and down our high streets, but can sit back and enjoy the sensation of our stirring loins, as a parade of finely tone, shapely bottoms hover in and out view. That is, of course, they actually work, or it if it is yet another clever marketing ploy to get the female population to part with their hard earned pin money. I do hope it is the former, as I have already purchased a pair for the Elster. Not that she needs them, of course....



PS I chose the Italian version, because the girl on the voice over sounds HOT!

Ci è stato rubato bastardi barare!

That's what was on the Doctors mind as we left the court last night. Did he have a point? To a degree, although his argument about the score tally was only argued by himself, and his team mates seemed to be accepting that the final score was in fact correct. The outcome? A single goal victory by the Righteous Euro Boys, which was secured in the final five minutes, after an admittedly strong performance the jizz loving JMF. After last weeks shambles, the Euro Boys were still not firing on all cylinders, and a couple of gift wrapped goals from yours truly, plus some woeful keeping by the Shoutster, saw the MoFo race to a four goal lead. Now at this juncture of the game, with last weeks humiliation fresh in the Euro minds, a repeat victory could have been on the cards. But a gutsy effort from the usually free flowing boys in white, managed to drag themselves back into the game. Blows were traded, and the lead passed back and forth, but JMF managed to get themselves two in front with only ten minutes to play. It was at this point, with the game theirs for the taking, that the magnitude of beating us seemed to create a tenseness in their play. When a Euro shot was deflected into his own net by spiritual JMF leader Jamon to level the game, you sensed the MoFo moment had passed. And with Clogs lurking up front it had. Finally we took the lead, and proceeded to stroke the ball around till the bell sounded.

JMF- Big johnnyM, Luklear War, Dr Shotgun, King dave and Jamon

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Mercenary, Shouty and Salty

2010 Season

JMF wins - 15

Euro Elite - 23


Draws - 0

Shhhhhhhhhhh!

Say it quietly, don't wish to jinx the lads in blau, but Der Lowen are on a roll. The start to the season has been the Polar opposite of the woeful Bantams, and after turning over Union of Berlin 1-0, climbed into sixth place, only four points adrift of the leaders, Hertha. I know it is early doors, only seven games in, but as my hometown club finds itself in a fight to avoid the Blue Square Conference, it seems any hopes for glory rest with our Bavarian brothers. The down side is the proposed trip to the German capital in the spring to see them play. Jonesey has dropped out, along with Crespo, and Fromagio has said it is a trip to far. The Mercenary and Shotgun are still showing interest, but we could do with at least another one to get the trip up and running. Hopes were high for the Shoutster, but another lull at his work has left his finances in a perilous state, so he is touch and go. It would be just my luck to miss out seeing them play in a promotion season.

Flogging a Dying Horse?

There's one born every minute is a well known, and often used saying to describe somebody who is a sucker. And today, on the old wireless, I heard an advert for a new High definition telephone service. Orange announced that they were launching the service, and that it would isolate background noise, making speech crystal clear, or "Hi-Def" to coin a phrase. This will, surprise, surprise, require a new handset. Is there really anybody out there not only stupid enough, but shallow enough to want this service? As all you flat screen, Sky subscribed readers out there are aware, Hi-Def is very much the Emporers New Clothes. Sure, stuff shot to a high quality, such as any Attenborough documentary on the Beeb, or video game in the Blu-Ray format will look fantastic. But Come Dine with Me looks pretty much the same on bog standard Channel 4 as it does on it's HD sister station. And don't even get me started on the History Channel which promoted a series called "World War One, for the first time in High Definition!" Hello! You may not have realised, but they didn't even have colour film back then, never mind super glorious HD. So just how did they do it? Fuck knows, but it looked preposterous. Can't wait to see what is dreamt up as being "Hi-Def" next.

Bantams 0 Shrimpers 1

It's getting desperate. Ten games, four goals, and second from bottom. And this was the second time we lost to a team nicknamed the Shrimpers. How bad were they? Well I am afraid you will have to ask Crespo that. You see, myself, Fromagio (aka Queso) and Mickey D all suspected that the Bantams were going to suck ass, so we stayed and got pissed in the Beehive. Which was great, because Fromagio had been on the wagon for a spell, and I discovered that they sold a raft of extravagantly strengthed Belgian beers. So although City sucked, and by all reports it was their worst display of ALL time, I figure we came out on top. Plus the growlers were nice, and Mickey D bought them, so it meant they were, in effect, free. To me anyhow. Unless they pull their fingers out soon, a trend could well be forming.

Crespo Watch- I can give the lad but one mark. A perfect score, as he was the only one of us to drag his carcass up Lumb Lane to watch the game. Poor lad. 10/10

The Real Thing

Regular readers of this nonsense will know full well, that on the whole, the Bender Squad is very much a crew that drinks lager. Well me and the Shoutster fancied a change the other night, so we headed to a real ale pub in the strange little village of Denholme. The boozer we went to, the New Inn was a pleasant surprise, the owners were very friendly, and locked us in till the stroke of two in the morning. We tried the whole array of ales on offer. Neither of us were overly keen on the Mary Jane, a blonde ale, which Shouty couldn't even finish, so I ended up having to drink two. The Tetleys was, well Tetleys. Not a big favourite of mine, but the Right Honourable sank plenty of 'em. also tried another one that began with R, and was called something like Rossindales. It smelt of cut grass, and had a bit of a kick, but I wasn't in any hurry to try another. No my recommendation was a drink brewed just up the road, in Cullingworth, by a company called Old Spot. I can't recall the full name of it, something like Light but Dark, but it was very pleasant. The landlord then turned off the beer pumps and treat us to a couple of Carlsbergs. Now I don't know if it was the addition of the lagers at the end, but I had the farts the next day, and they smelt atrocious. I even gagged a couple of times. I am still not about to grow a goatee and sew elbow patches on my jackets, but it made a nice change from fizzy lager. Apart from the smelly farts.

So What?

The Ryder Cup. Everything about it is ridiculous. First up the game itself. It is basically Darts for rich folk isn't it? You can see Darren Clarke trundling through with a big arse cigar stuck in his gob for Pete's sake. And let's not forget John Daly, a chain smoking beer guzzler, whose main sponsor is Hooters (this does however not preclude him from being a fine roll model, just a sportsman). Try doing that playing football, or sprinting! And then there is the club house, where after a "strenuous" stroll you can prop a bar for the rest of the evening. Let's not forget about thew attire either. This is a past time where baseball caps, plus fours and v-neck sweaters are considered the height of fashion. And who the chuff names the courses? The last meeting was played at Valhalla, the name given by Vikings for a heaven for heroes who had lain down their life in battle, not some fat American who can hit a small dimpled ball 250+ yards. So please forgive me for not giving a monkey's about who prevails, because apart from Mr Daly, they all strike me as a bunch humourless automatons who are only revered by bank managers and, more than likely, your boss at work.

Killer Keisters

This weeks killer keister award is awarded to Wales finest, the seriously fine Catherine Zeta Jones. The clip below is from a movie called Entrapment, and it we get to see the Welsh hottie wriggle and writhe through some kind of string maze, under the watchful gaze of Sean Connery. While blindfolded. A ridiculous premise, for sure, but it does provide ample opportunity for some gratuitous ass shots, and if that ass belongs to such a shapely wench, well that's just fine by me. The other feature of note in this clip is just how good she looks in a pair of trackie bottoms, a feat that I thought until viewing, was a feat that was nigh on impossible by anybody. I tried to get the Elster to recreate this scene for my own benefit, but sadly our house doesn't have a big enough room to set up such an elaborate labyrinth. Enjoy.



On playback I have noticed the screen size is a tad smaller, and some of the best action has been cut off. To see in full widescreen, click here.