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The modern world is full of things that drive one to distraction. Indian call centres, buzz words, telephone cold calling, airport security, spam, BBC 3 and the crushing uniformity of city centres up and down the land. But one thing that really twists my testicles is sauce sachets. Who in the Hell thought these were a good idea? I hate eateries that persist in using them, which is unfortunately most. To get a decent amount of sauce out requires somewhere in the region of six of the blasted things, and most places only leave like three or four at a table. Which doesn't go far if there is five of you. Some places have even started charging for them! I was in a canteen only the other day that added seven pence for ONE! It wasn't even HP, or any other branded name, It just said "Red Sauce" on the side. The effort needed to open the damned thing was not rewarded. A tiny smidgen of what was supposed to be ketchup squirmed out on to my chips.

But today, an establishment went too far. Sparks, a local bakers/sandwich shop is now officially on the Tesco list. It is a shame, they do pretty good pasties, and a hot dog pizza bread that tastes a lot better than it looks. Today I went for a beef salad sandwich. "Would you like salad cream with that?"my server asked. I replied in the affirmative, and retired to my vehicle to eat it. As I slipped my sarnie out of the bag, something fell out. I looked down to discover a sachet with "Salad cream" embossed on the side. I could not believe it. It wasn't a particularly cheap item I had purchased, £1.88, and now I was expected to take part in its making? All I wanted to do was eat the damn thing, and I had paid a premium to have it made for me. The contents could only have cost the grand total of about 40 pence to assemble, and they still expected me to wrestle with a sauce sachet. Well I am not having it. It may seem a bit trivial, but it fucked me off big time. For near enough £2 is it too much to expect a dash of Heinz salad cream, poured from a bottle, by the person I was paying to make it? No it is not. It will be a frosty day in purgatory before I darken this establishment's doorway again.

The Tesco List

• Tescos- An evil corparation Hell bent on world domination
• Asda/Wal-Mart- see above
• Sparks Bakers- For the cavalier use of sauce sachets.