The Big Final

And I am NOT referring to that show featuring a hairy Scottish tub of lard or a squeaky moppet who cries on order. No, today is the FA Cup final. The weather is cracking, although the game is no0t being shown by the BBC, so it won't be on the big outside screen in Centenary Square. Typical. The first time in years we get a warm sunny cup final day and we have to watch it in a dark dingy pub. C'est la vie. Meatballs are on order, and a Bender Squad has been assembled. If recent outings are anything to go by, I shall be spending most of tomorrow nursing a thick head, so a full report will be forth coming on Monday.

Good or Evil

I have followed King Dave's lead and purchased some German Pils from Marks and Sparks, and he was bang on the button, it is a fine beer brewed by the good folk at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich. I relayed this news onto the boy Sprocket. He told me about a programme he caught on the tube about an HB, as it shall henceforth be known, that had opened in Las Vegas. To quote the blurb on their website;

"In a city built on fantasy, Hofbräuhaus Las Vegas is different. It’s the only faithful reproduction of the original Hofbräuhaus München in the world. And, much like the original Hofbräuhaus which has remained Munich’s most famous attraction since 1589, Hofbräuhaus Las Vegas is fast becoming the place to celebrate good times and holidays."

Jonesy was a bit put off, as was I, a well known crusader against the evils of corporate globalisation. Was it a one off rip off? Were the good folk at HB involved. I decided to investigate. I checked out Wikipedia, and what I found was surprising to say the least. The Las Vegas franchise is not the first. That honour belongs to Melbourne, Australia, which began trading in 1968!! There is one in Newport, Kentucky, which me and the boy dazzler have actually been too (photo too right, link here). I thought it was just a local facsimile, but it transpires it was the first one HB opened in the States. There are other ones in Pittsburgh, Miami and Milwaukee. In Europe there is one in Genoa and Stockholm. Of course there had to be one in Dubai as well as Bangkok.

The question is "Does it matter?" To be honest the original one in Munich is by far the biggest tourist trap in town. I liked the Augestiner near the Hauptbanhof, and the Lowenbraukeller much more. This doesn't mean the HB in Munchen isn't cool. It is. The beer is good, the food less so, but it has a decent atmosphere. The one in Newprot, Kentucky was less good. It had the proper HB beer, and there was an Oompah Band playing. But they were playing "Jump" by Van Halen, and the staff were over zealous, telling us to get down of the benches, and got stroppy about serving drunks. Something the faux Irish bar we decamped too had no problem with. I suppose the question is "Does it detract from the original?" I would say yes, as I have pointed out above, there are numerous other beer halls that are far more bona fida than the HB, but to find out you had to go to Munich. You couldn't just pitch up at some prefab and declare that you had sampled an authentic Bavarian experience. The dollar wins again. The beer is damn fine though...

Busy

Sorry about the lack of action lately, been plenty busy. Firstly overtime is back on, so have been working late. Secondly there was no game down the Wood tonight as we abstained to watch Man United get beat by Barcelona. I was hoping to pass my own judgement on Uniteds lack lustre display, but the old trouble and strife was feeling frisky, and to be honest, so was I. So there you have it. Will try and cobble together some form of nonsense tomorrow, work permitting.

Battle of the Brews......The Empire Beers

I have no doubt it is no longer taught in school, but back in the day everybody knew that the sun never set on the British Empire. Of course this also meant that there was always a frothy cold one being served in the lands coloured pink, as they invariably were on the maps that were used in schools. So stiffen that lip, raise a glass and rodger the cabin boy, as we sample the brews of the Commonwealth...

Red Stripe
Jamaica's finest beer, and widely available throughout the world. It's popularity isn't as high as it was a few years back, but you will not struggle to find it, and any self respecting Caribbean club will have it on draught. My early experiences of this worthy brew came in the late 1980's at the Capricorn Club, aka Bibbys, down Manningham. This establishment was home to Bradford's first, and most infamous "Rave" club, and was run byu the equally infamous Bibby, a rascally old Jamaican. It wasn't the kind of place one went to hit the bar, there were other more exciting distractions, but if you did fancy whetting your whistle, the choice was Red Stripe or Red Stripe. I will give the man his dues, it was always ice cold, even though the temperature inside the club was only a couple of degrees cooler than the core of the sun. It has a healthy ABV of 4.7%, and is a fine choice on a fine sunny summers day.

Tiger Beer
A 5% ABV lager first brewed in Singapore. The Boy Dazzler first introduced me to this brand in Whetherspoons a few years back, and has remained one of the Boys favourites. Its a bit gassy for my liking, and apart from the chain pubs, is only really found in supermarkets, or Indian and Chinese restaurants. I don't really have much else to say on this one. As you may have gathered it is not one of my preferred brews, although the label on the bottle is pretty cool.

Kingfisher
The first Indian lager to make inroads in the UK, thanks in large to the number of more upmarket Indian restaurants that stocked it. For me it is a hard one to rate, as let's be honest, curry makes any lager taste good. That spicy hotness, offset by a nice frosty lager is one of the delights that truly make life worth living. And the combination also allows one to emit the most fragrant and boisterous of belches. It was not long before it was joined in the marketplace by Cobra, and with the Indian economy booming, I can see more brews from the sub continent becoming readily available, but for the purpose of this exercise I am sticking with the original.

Castle
South Africa's effort to crack the UK lager market hasn't really taken off. It is easy enough to find, particularly if you live in the vicinity of a Barracuda theme bar, and your the supermarkets always seem to have it on some kind of special offer. But I think there is a reason it has never taken off. It is shite. Now I appreciate this has not prevented either Carling or Fosters shifting units on a vast scale, but that is because in an awful lot of pubs there is no other choice. Until Castle can achieve blanket coverage in pubs and clubs to rival the two beers mentioned, it will thankfully remain stuck in the bargain section at Morrison's. This may however change next year, as South Africa hosts the World Cup, which is bound to raise the profile of everything South African.

Steinlager
Representing the Antipodes is Steinlager, New Zealand market leading lager. I have already reviewed Fosters earlier, and have no intention of revisiting Australia, a land I consider to be bereft of any beer worthy of inclusion. So we take a short hop across the Tasman Sea to the land of the White Cloud, or something like that. The pub scene in NZ is excellent, but the local ale offerings are pretty bland. Steinlager is the only Kiwi beer I can recall seeing on these shores, and then it isn't the easiest to find, usually in 'Spoons on some kind of promotion, or in a New Zealand run business, such as the Gourmet Burger Kitchen. It isn't disgusting, bit neither is it great. it is what it is...

Labatts
Our final stop on this tour of the former colonies is to the second biggest country in the world, and one of its most sparsely populated. Canada. Due to its close proximity to the USA, which is one of it's biggest importers, the vast majority of beers offered by the Canucks cater for the American palate, which means there is a preponderance of light beers. Even Labatts have one, but for this competition I am nominating Labatts. At one time this brand could be found in most pubs, but over the last few years has retreated into the beer section of the big four supermarkets. it isn't anything special, but in comparison to the majority of offerings on this thread, it is a giant. If you are planning to travel extensively in North America, this would be my recommendation.

FA Cup Day

This time next week hangovers will be being nursed, and the ninth annual FA Cup bender will be just a fuzzy memory. This year we are returning to the Queens Hotel near the Interchange train station in Bradford. As the game is no longer shown on the BBC, we will not be able to view on the big screen at Centenary Square, even if the weather is favourable. Tony Helmet has taken steps to ensure there is not a repeat of the infamous "Meatball Famine of 2008" by contacting the good people at Giuseppe's to ensure there is a bountiful supply. The game it's self looks like be a bit of a yawner, neither Everton or Chelsea are renowned for their attacking football, but apart from the Liverpool v West Ham final a few years back, not many have been much of a spectacle. We will hang round town for a spell once the game has finished, but from there on there is no set plans.

Battle of the Brews...German Export Results

Sorry for the delay in posting these results. My body has gone into beer shock, as I haven't stepped foot in a pub for over a week. I will be putting this right this afternoon in the Fleece at Cullingworth. On to the last rounds result, in which Becks proper joined it's cooking equivalent on the knock out phase to establish the Bender Squads official beer of choice. It was a close run effort, and as I am running out of beers to graduate through to a last 16, I have also promoted Holstein Pils as a best runner up. There are now just five places remaining before the draw. This week, I will do it later sobriety permitting, is a battle of the brews Empire style, as I round up the best offering of the Commonwealth. Allied to the upcoming German styles, I hope you have been doing your homework, this means that there will only be three more qualifying rounds. If you think I have missed a worthy category, or have one to propose, now would be the opportune time to speak up. All suggestions through the comments section please.

• Kronenbourg 1664
• Becks Vier
• Corona
• Budweiser
• Rolling Rock
• Heineken
• Grolsch
• Guinness
• Leffe Blond
• Becks
• Holstein Pils
  

Summer Refreshment...Bradford Style

Although the temperature didn't warrant the triggering of the new "Heatwave Warning System" recently launched by the department of health, it was very pleasant indeed this afternoon. The sun came out after a rainy morning, and for the first time this year it felt almost summery. The sound of ice cream vans could be heard throughout the district, but the surest sign that warm weather is on it's way is the reappearance of the Tasty Corn stands back out on the streets. Who needs an ice cold beer or an ice lolly to refresh one's self when the sun is beating down, when you can have a piping hot cup of corn, smothered in melting butter? I know! I can't believe the only place you see them is at Duckworth Lane near the Co-Op, and near the cop shop on Oaks Lane. You would have thought a treat like this would have conquered the world, and every street corner would be knee deep in corn stands. Mmmmmmmmm Corn......



Apologies for the quality of the photo. I managed to get this one when the traffic light were at red. Subsequent attempts whilst in motion, only succeeded in capturing my wing mirror and a surprised pedestrian. I was going to attempt a third effort, but I was beginning to get odd looks from the guy selling the corn, so I am afraid we are stuck with the one above. The next time I am in the area, I am hoping to stop and try some. Report to follow as and when.

Battle of the Brews...,,Stop the Press

As you know the current qualifier features a selection of German beers that are the most prevalent in the bars, offies and supermarkets of the United Kingdom. This does not mean that they are the best representations of Der Fatherland, just that they are the ones that are most likely to have been sampled by the regular readers of this blog. So, over the next few weeks, I am going to give you some homework. Don't pull that face, you might actually enjoy this.

First up, and a huge big up to King Dave for this, is the Marks and Spencers branded German Pilsner. "What!!!" I hear you cry. But courtesy of Dave the most Regal, it transpires that this lager is brewed for M&S by none other than the good people of the World renowned Houfbrauhaus in Munich. So I suggest the next time you are passing one of these establishments, pop in and sample.

Next up for your pleasure is DAB, a Dortmunder from, surprise, Dortmund. It is a personal favourite of mine, and can be purchased at a very reasonable price at Oddbins, which has a branch at Baildon, just off Otley Road. They also have Union, which is the same style, on draught in the Cocina Mexican restaurant on Manningham Lane in Bradford.

The next two choices come from the same region, the Ruher valley, and are both Shoutys most, and least, favourite. They are Kolsh and Alt. See if you can guess which is which. These may prove harder to find, If you don't fancy ordering a case online, I might suggest Czerwicks in Brighouse, or the Narrow Boat in Skipton. The best places to try and find these styles of beer will definitely be a Real Pub or Free House such as Fannys. If you have sampled Bock beer before, you will have a good idea of what Alt tastes like. If you still cant find either of these brews, I will win the lottery, and I will take us all off to Cologne and Dusseldorf.

The last style to try is one that you shouldn't have any trouble finding. The Mighty Weissbeer. There are several brewers of this style, and not all are German, but I would hazard that the Prince of the bunch is Erdinger. A lot of chain pubs will not carry a white beer, but Wetherspoons usually have one, in a bottle, and most independent pubs will have at least one on draught.

I will allow three weeks for you to get out and discover these lovely, lovely beers. But be careful. If all you are used to is the bland offerings of multi-nationals, you may find yourself suffering from a severe case of flavour. This is because you are drinking something that has an ingredient known as taste. Enjoy.

Goalfest

Worryingly for me, after trouncing the evil shirt lifters last week minus moi, we were beaten. It wasn't a massacre by any means, there was either two or three scores separating us, but we were still vanquished. Our cause was hampered by an injury to the talismanic Two Scoops. who was forced to retire to the role of goalkeeper early on. At this juncture a whipping looked on the cards, as the nefarious JMF ran up ann eight goal lead. Yet we stuck to the task in hand and managed to keep the score honest. Scoops saved brilliantly on numerous occasions, but let several shots slip between his legs ( although due to his injury he is forgiven) At the other end goals also flowed, unfortunately at a lesser rate. The saving grace was that all ours were of the highest order, and needed to be thanks to the outstanding efforts of Ash (alias pending) who was outstanding between the sticks ( and a nuisance when not). I will get a nasty phone call if I fail to mention the sublime run, take and chip from Dr Shotgun, although it was inferior to my run that slalomed past several of the MoFo, before finding the bottom corner. Enough trumpet blowing. Well perhaps a bit more. I felt, considering the injury to Two Scoops, that a moral victory belongs to the Righteous Elite. Alas, these do not count in the win column, and we find ourselves back in the hole by four games. Next week is a sabbatical, so the scummer fans can bear witness to a Barcelona win in the Champions League final.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Ash, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Dr Shotgun, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 11

Euro Elite - 7

Draws - 1

All Aboard...........Just

The train tickets for Edinburgh are booked, and what a palaver that was. National Express came very close to being the newest addition to the "Tesco List." In the space of three days the fare shot up by £20. Then when I found the route and price I wanted, it didn't have enough seats. So I tried a slightly later train, at a higher price of course, only at the last minute to be told the same. Finally I got us all on the same train, with table seats booked for the longest legs of the journey, but we now have to depart Bradford Interchange at the ludicrously early time of 8:34. More time boozing in Auld Reekie I suppose. We also have to catch a later train back home, via Preston of all places, to land back in West Yorkshire for about 11 pm, last orders if you will. The final cost of the tickets was just shy of £50. For the procrastinators amongst you who have decided to wait, or travel up on the Saturday, the flat rate open return is about £78. Lets just hope they don't go bust in the meantime.....

McSetting Sail

Yarrrgh ye spoon headed spunk eaters, ye might be wonderin' where McEuro be this week. weel I be mcNeedin' to set sail fer McHorizons new, so last weeks be yer lot fer now. I be cadging cheese burgers in McEvansville, McIllinois, not far from thar state penitentiary. I will be offerin' the McRollover when I next be McPostin. So fer now it is a McHearty "Avast!" and I'll be McBack soon.......

Battle of the Brews...The German Exports

The choice of German beers are vast. In Germany. Outside of the Fatherland, the choice is not that great, So I have decided to split the German section into two qualifiers. This week is the famous exports, the ones that are known and sold throughout the world. The posting above this lists the less well known brands and brews, and will be the qualifying round in a couple of weeks.

Holstein Pils
Hamburg's finest export, and back in the 1980' it was the premium beer of choice. It was available pretty much everywhere in bottles, but quite a few pubs had it on draught, including the Victoria Hotel at Sandy Lane, which just so happened to be my local pub as I passed my eighteenth birthday. Still being firmly ensconced at my parents house, I used to trail up every Friday and appeal to my dads charitable nature. Of course being young dumb and full of cum, I would always insist on drinking Pils by the pint. Now my dad drinks at a pretty ferocious lick, and I matched him pint for pint, which usually resulted in me blowing chunks on my arrival home. Time conditioned me, however whenever I used to get drunk on this stuff, I would be overcome with an urge to ring up, and on occasion go and visit people I hadn't seen in a while. Usually around three o'clock in the morning. For some reason it began to disappear on draught, and I couldn't afford to drink it by the bottle, so for years I didn't touch this fine brew. Until last week, when an off license I visited had a special promotion on it. I took it home and was reacquainted with a long lost friend. It was lovely. I was discussing this reunion with Helmet a couple of days later, and he told me that hey had stopped selling the old 330ml bottle and now sold it in 250ml ones at the same price, Wankers! It still tastes damn fine though....

Becks
Only brewed in Bremen, as the add used to say, this brew was barely heard off on these shores until the late 80's, and then it took off. It soon usurped Holstein pils as the number one lager in the country, and soon spread it's wings world wide. You can even get a "lite" (?) style in the USA. It has become part of the, you guessed it, InBrev corporation, and now no longer brews exclusively in Bremen. It is a pretty good ale, but I cannot drink loads of it. It has dry after taste, that starts to dehydrate me after a while. But it is very popular amongst other Squad members, in particular El Grande Queso, who always seems to have a never ending supply to hand. If I am pressed, I actually prefer the lower ABV Vier, but that's just me.

Warsteiner
A pretty recent addition in the UK, it is usually found on draught in most free houses, and real ale pubs. I think, although I am by no means sure, that this is because it isn't a part of an huge company. It is in fact Germanys largest privately owned brewery, and in these days of rampant globalisation, is indeed something to proud of. I first tried it on a Lufthansa flight, it was recommended by a steward who seemed to have taken a shine to me (he kept me well stocked on a trans Atlantic flight, but couldn't get me drunk enough to join the mile high club. I love free beer, but I ain't taking it up the arse for it). It is a crisp tasting lager, and flies down, although unlike most German beers it gives me pretty bad hangovers. This could be down to the fact it is swerved in pubs that cater more for beardy type real alers, and they just don't look after the stuff.

Lowenbrau
A strange one this. It is hardly ever seen in any pubs in the UK, yet go any where else in Europe, and it is all over the place. It is, surprisingly, the only Bavarian beer you really see outside of it's home territory. But it only tastes nice in Munich. Well it used to, because unless you were in Munich you weren't drinking the one brewed there. Particularly nasty was the US version brewed by Miller. But since 2004 it has only been brewed in Munich, s if I see it outside of Germany, I will give it another try. But the stuff sold in Munich, in particular at the Lowenbrau keller at Stiglermeirplatz, is very agreeable. Myself and Funky, and on another occasion the Shoutster, have spent a few happy hours in this fine establishment. It is not my favoured Munich beer, but this all about the exported beers, so will have to suffice. They also have close links with the Might TSV 1860.

Battle of the Brews.....The Devils Brew Results

Representing the Dark side in our quest to crown the King of Bender Beers, will be Leffe Blond. It won hands down, and very nearly became our first unanimous qualifier. Duvel managed one vote, but Special Brew, the favourite of the Down Out racked up exactly no votes. Mustn't have internet access in the gutter. Current qualifiers are listed below;

• Kronenbourg 1664
• Becks Vier
• Corona
• Budweiser
• Rolling Rock
• Heineken
• Grolsch
• Guinness
• Leffe Blond
  

Are you City in Disguise???

The German Bundesliga still has one more round of matches left to play, but barring a raft of dubious/miraculous results, der Lowen are safe. They are currently only three points of the relegation play off place, but have a far superior goal difference to Osnabruk. It would take a goal swing of 14 to see the Mighty 1860 forced into a playoff for the final relegation place. The recent form of TSV has closely resembled the late season collapse of Bradford City. No wins in ten cost the manager his job, and saw us dragged perilously close to the drop. Ewaled Lienen has taken the reigns. Next season will be the final season, for the time being, of Lars Bender, who at the end of the 09/10 season will move to Bayer Leverkusen. He was also a transfer target of Real Madrid. The fee has not been disclosed. Next season we will be hoping for better luck with the fixture list, our preferred destination is Hamburg for the St Pauli game, with Kaiserslauten our second choice. Let's hope they can cobble together a stronger showing than this campaign.

Better....But Still a Cheese Fest

As the recession continues unabated, my weekends are now curtailed to just one night on the sauce. This week I chose Friday, at the George, surprise, surprise, which left me confronted with Saturday night television. My kids made me sit through the dross that is "Britains got Talent," which is a funny name for a show that then proceeds to disprove it's title. It also has Piers Morgan as a supposed "judge" of said talent, which again I find strange, as I have yet to witness Mr Morgan display any kind aptitude for anything, apart from being the biggest wanker in the known universe. Even more pointless than the aforementioned Piers though was the fragrant Kelly Brook, whose only discernible skill is to grin inanely and possess a fine pair of fun bags.

Enough of that dirge, my main reason for raising this post is to comment on a show I have not watched at length since the days when Maggie Thatcher was Prime Minister, and Chuck and Di were happily married. Or just married any way. The Eurovision song contest. Back then it was a half arsed show, played out in two bit exhibition halls, featuring strangely dressed foreigners, warbling earnestly in there own language. Sequins and jump suits were the order of the day, and all the blokes who participated sported facial hair that would have done a porn star proud. My, how times have changed. Firstly the venue, some where in Moscow, was huge, and packed to the rafters. At the interval, when thew phone votes were being tallied, they put on an extravaganza, featuring semi clad girls swimming and cavorting in pools of water suspended from the auditorium ceiling. The last time I saw one of these things, it was a seriously unfunny clown messing about for ten minutes.

But what about the songs and performers? Well there wasn't one a day under 25 to start with. And I can't recall any facial hair, although I think the German offering may have had a geezer with a goatee. It was a struggle to focus on the song or the performers, as they had drafted in the waspish Dita Von Teese, world renowned stripper, as eye candy. She was wearing a tight basque and knickers ensemble, which diverted all my attention from the song, an earned me slap up side the head from the Elster, and a command to put my tongue back in my mouth. Apparently she was forced to cover up after dress rehearsal, which begs the question "What wasn't she wearing?" cause there wasn't much.

This brings me nicely onto the next major improvement in this annual cheese fest. Back in the day, the performers were usually a little past there sell by date, and almost always offered up some lame dance routine, if you remember the God awful Bucks Fizz you will know what I mean. Not now. At least three quarters of the performers were the most nubile, scantily clad young ladies you could wish to see. And boy did they like to bounce, more often than not to some Euro disco number whilst perched on top of a wind turbine. The Ukrainian entrant was my undoubted favourite, and would have a good eight inches to go along with the 12 points I would have bestowed upon her. Her song was total nonsense, of course, but she pranced gamely in the shortest of skirts, and at one point proudly did the splits in a big circle thing, whilst semi clad Roman centurions thrust themselves at her from adjoining rings. It was marvellous, a tenner says I wasn't the only middle aged geezer watching with a semi on. Other honourable mentions in the fit stakes go to, Iceland, Sweden, Spain and Turkey, whose nubile entrant, of course, did a belly dance.

But it was none of these lithe young starlets who walked of with the golden trophy thingy. Iceland finished second, and those shimmering hips propelled Turkey into third, but the winner, and by a record amount of points, was a young Norwegian fiddle player. It was pretty obvious he was going to win. My theory for these phone in things is that the only people who can be arsed ringing in are tweenagers, bored housewives, old ladies and homosexuals. The only contestant to appeal to all these demographics was the boyishly handsome crooner from Oslo. If us lazy half arsed fellas of my demographic ever bothered voting for any of these competitions, they would all be won by either hip swivelling Turks or Pneumatic Ukrainians with a liking for bare chested Roman soldiers. I have to admit, I enjoyed this nonsense much more that I thought it would.

PS A tip to the British. If you have serious ambitions of ever winning, don't let Andrew Lloyd Webber near the stage. He is one seriously strange looking dude.

Spare Part

I couldn't make the weekly tussle down the Wood this week due to family commitments, and had to miss out on a victory for the Righteous. Now I am pleased that we won, but it is always a worry when your team has been on a losing streak and wins when your not there. Worrying. I have no idea what the teams were, I believe Young Gaz's brother Young Dan filled in for Luklear, but I can only guess that Lefty was the late substitute for Shouty.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Young Dan, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Dr Shotgun, Two Scoops, Clogs, Mercenary and Lefty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 10

Euro Elite - 7

Draws - 1

New Entry

The modern world is full of things that drive one to distraction. Indian call centres, buzz words, telephone cold calling, airport security, spam, BBC 3 and the crushing uniformity of city centres up and down the land. But one thing that really twists my testicles is sauce sachets. Who in the Hell thought these were a good idea? I hate eateries that persist in using them, which is unfortunately most. To get a decent amount of sauce out requires somewhere in the region of six of the blasted things, and most places only leave like three or four at a table. Which doesn't go far if there is five of you. Some places have even started charging for them! I was in a canteen only the other day that added seven pence for ONE! It wasn't even HP, or any other branded name, It just said "Red Sauce" on the side. The effort needed to open the damned thing was not rewarded. A tiny smidgen of what was supposed to be ketchup squirmed out on to my chips.

But today, an establishment went too far. Sparks, a local bakers/sandwich shop is now officially on the Tesco list. It is a shame, they do pretty good pasties, and a hot dog pizza bread that tastes a lot better than it looks. Today I went for a beef salad sandwich. "Would you like salad cream with that?"my server asked. I replied in the affirmative, and retired to my vehicle to eat it. As I slipped my sarnie out of the bag, something fell out. I looked down to discover a sachet with "Salad cream" embossed on the side. I could not believe it. It wasn't a particularly cheap item I had purchased, £1.88, and now I was expected to take part in its making? All I wanted to do was eat the damn thing, and I had paid a premium to have it made for me. The contents could only have cost the grand total of about 40 pence to assemble, and they still expected me to wrestle with a sauce sachet. Well I am not having it. It may seem a bit trivial, but it fucked me off big time. For near enough £2 is it too much to expect a dash of Heinz salad cream, poured from a bottle, by the person I was paying to make it? No it is not. It will be a frosty day in purgatory before I darken this establishment's doorway again.

The Tesco List

• Tescos- An evil corparation Hell bent on world domination
• Asda/Wal-Mart- see above
• Sparks Bakers- For the cavalier use of sauce sachets.
  

Yo McHo!

Yaaarrggghhh, ye splinter arsed pelican sniffers, it be I MCEuro, back from a short sabbatical. Non of ye be guessin that I be McFrenchin' me McFries in McNew McMadrid, in the McFine state of McMissouri. Yer clues be McSailing with me old man as in Mississppii river, and a Real new town as in, Real Madrid. This next one be yet another toughie, and I'll tell you it be McStateside, as I be McBusting out of jail to free up some McBurgers;

"Where be McEeeeeruoooo??"

Battle of the Brews.....the Devils Brew

Apologies once again for the delay. This week we take a trip to the dark side. A side that Hobos, Winos and Shouty are familiar with. The devils brews are high octane that demand the highest respect, lest you find your self slumped in gutter, splashed with piss and covered in puke. So brace yourself, turn on the lights and prepare for sleepless nights as we run the rule over the Spawn of Satan.

Carlsberg Special Brew
There are many cheaper spin offs from this brand, Kestrel Super Strength and Tenants Super spring immediately to mind, but I have decided to feature the OBA (Original Bad Ass) brew that was first to hit the shelves. "The original strong lager" is how Carlsberg describe it, and they are not kidding. At 9% ABV this bad boy will kick you arse up and down the high street if you due drink it with due diligence. It is for this exact reason that it is so popular with thrill seeking teenagers and Wino's. The only draw back is the taste. Something this strong, tastes strong. As in rocket fuel. If you can get past the first can your tongue starts to acclimatise. If you can get to the fourth can it tastes quite nice. If you get past the eight can you are the reincarnation of Oliver Reed. One interesting fact before moving on. It was first brewed in 1950 to commemorate the visit of Winston Churchill to Copenhagen

Leffe Blonde
The light heavy weight of the bunch, weighing in with an ABV of 6.6%. I have included it in this category because I am not really sure where else to put it. I was going to do a Belgian beers thread, but they are all so diffrent, they are better suited to categories non national. Back to the beer. Leffe come in two forms, blond and brune. For the purposes of this survey, we shall be going with the blond, as there only appears to be that enjoys the brune. For a long period it was only available in bottles, but it is springing up in quite a few pubs on draught, although it is only served in 25l glasses. It has some pep, but still tastes like beer, unlike the prince of darkness mentioned above. it has a nice crisp taste with a hint of citrus. Enough of the ponciness. It kicks ass, but in a fairly gentle way. Not a session beer, it will get you pissed pretty sharp. Nice. yet another brewer swallowed up by InBev behemoth.

Duvel
It's name says it all. Duvel is the Flemish word for Devil, and with an ABV of 8.5% it is a very apt one. Not as readily available as the other two, it can usually be found in any self respecting real ale pub. Whetherspoons carried it for quite a while, but it was bumped, like so many others, in favour of the Polish beers brought in too satisfy the influx of immigrants from said country. It used to feature on it's lagers of the world menu. The challenge was always to see if the globe could be circumnavigated, beer wise, but every attempt was always sunk by the ice berg awaiting in the middle of the menu, ninth beer along, called Duvel. The killer was the first time we tried to do it, as none of us bothered reading what the content was, and just chugged along merrily. I still have no idea how I made it home that particular evening. It does have a taste stronger than a cooking lager, but it didn't taste much different, strenghth wise to any wife beater. Unlike the other two, it is still an independent brewery, as far as I am aware.

So there you have it, the Gangsta rappers of the lager world. I could add a few more, but they are just the fodder drunk by the flotsam and jetsam of today's modern society. If you have not tried these fellas out before, and are planning to do so to poll an honest vote, be careful.

Only in the North of England....

Now then, sorry about not posting the beer round last night, it is now above, but I forgot the Elster was going to watch Enrique Ingelsis in Manchester. This meant I and to watch the kids, so we bought in Iron Man (cool movie) and yet again I was side tracked. But why am I waffling on telling you all this? For the priceless tale our lass told me when she came in. Now it seems Enrique is big on audience participation, and likes to drag folk out of the audience. At one juncture in the proceedings he pulled a geezer from the crowd up on stage.

"You here on your own?" enquired the sultry Spanish singer

"No me missus dragged me along. Can I fetch 'er up?" replied local potato.

So Enrique has her helped up on stage. "You don't have any children with you?" he asked local heifer.

"No we don't have any." mooed said heifer.

"Oh dear," said the Latin crooner, "is there problems having them?"

"No, I can't Fooking stand kids" was her reply.

Priceless.

Battle of the Brews...British Isles Result

There was only really one beer in it from the off, and the Irish offeriong of Guinness romped home, gaining all but one vote. You may notice a lack of a new round tonight, that is due to me not getting in till late, so I will run the next batch tomorrow. The qualifiers up to press no look like this;

• Kronenbourg 1664
• Becks Vier
• Corona
• Budweiser
• Rolling Rock
• Heineken
• Grolsch
• Guinness
  

Bantams 2008/09....A Review

My, does August 2008 seem a long time ago now. A great start to the season, three wins out of the first four games, seemed to indicate a season of unbridled success. The performances against Rochdale, a 2-0 win against a promotion rival, was soon surpassed by the 4-1 demolition of Exeter City. Peter Thorne was scoring for fun and Omar Daley looked unstoppable. But guess who is going forward to the play offs, and who is guaranteed to be playing there football in League 1 next year? Well it sure isn't us. We should have known that it wasn't going to be as easy as we expected, but boy were we in for a shock. We started drawing to many games at home, the defence started looking a little bit one paced, Thorney couldn't keep up his scoring rate and teams began to double team Daley. But still we kept ourselves in the hunt for a top seven place. As per usual, the weaker teams seemed to foil us, yet we put paid to our promotion rivals. The crunch game appeared to be Wycombe at home, they had been runaway leaders for the majority of the season, and we won 1-0, a result that left us just 2 points off second place, with a game in hand and a superior goal difference.

Our next game was a rescheduled encounter versus another rival, Darlington. It was an arse clenchingly cold night, that ended in a drab 0-0 score. But Omar Daley was carried off the pitch with an ACL injury which ended his season. Now I am not saying this was the moment all was lost. I appreciate that one player does not make a team, but it all went down hill from here on in. There were still 15 games left to be played, and the statistics tell there own tale. Four wins, two which were won with nothing to play for, and three draws. That is a paltry 15 points out of a possible 45. We managed to go goalless against Chester, a team relegated despite four teams being deducted at least ten points. A 4-1 loss to Barnet, who hadn't won a game since October. We played them in February. Bournemouth, Notts County and Rochdale gave our backsides a tanning, and the game was up. Even McCall threatening to quit if we didn't make the play-offs failed to raise the performance of the boys in Claret and Amber. Ninth place was our final position, which would have been worse if not for the points penalty suffered by Rotherham and Darlington for entering administration. A woeful finale to a season that promised so much.

Player of the Season
The official award went to young Luke O'Brien, one of the few bright lights of an otherwise dim season. But he wouldn't have been my choice. Peter Thorne was our top scorer, and got off to a tremendous start, before age and injury slowed him down But he wouldn't be my choice either. the player who until injury stood out most for me was Omar Daley. He isn't every bodies cup of tea, but the way our season fell apart after he was crocked shows his worth to the team. Yes he could make better choices when in possession, but let us not forget what level we are playing at. If he starts using his loaf more in dangerous positions, he will be off to a better team. He was our only player to be voted to the League Two team of the year. The fact is, he gives the team an outlet. His pace scares the living shit out of opponents, and his ability to carry the ball out of defence at pace prevents the team falling back on the long ball tactics, that once he was absent, put paid to our season. Honourable mention goes to Dean Furmin and Nicky Law.

Biggest Disappointment
Graham Lee looked brilliant during the Autumn months, but he lost his way badly at the business end of the campaign. I personally hold him to blame for the dropped points against Port Vale. His partner in the centre of defence, Matt Clarke, hardly covered himself in glory either. McClaren and Heckingbottom didn't live up to the hype either. Last years recipient of the fans player of the season, Joe Colbeck, was quite possibly the worst player of the year. Yes he is fast. Yes he gives it his all. But the plain fact of the matter is that he is useless. He is the kind of player that makes me wonder why I am sat here banging away on a keyboard instead of earning a crust as a footballer. But the biggest disappointment, by a country mile, is Stuart McCall. Don't get me wrong, I am not calling for head, yet. But some of the decisions he made, particularly in the most important games, made the mind boggle. Playing Steve Jones up front against Bury at Gigg Lane. The guy is a winger, and if you are going to play him up front, why then proceed to hoof the ball high into the night sky, against the tallest centre half pairing in the league? His continued use of Centre halves as right backs. Firstly Moncur, then Tom Clarke and finally Zesh Rehamn. All the while refusing to drop an obviously out of form Lee. Continually breaking up our most effective central midfield duo, Furman and Law, for no reason what so ever. I know he is learning, and the modern football world has fallen in love with idea of "Squad rotation," but we are not Chelsea or Manchester United, and for the run in, needed to be playing our strongest eleven. Let's hope he has learned his lesson, or next season could be a long one.

Away Day of the Season
One great one, we stuffed Grimsby 3-1 with ten men, and a whole lot of bad ones. We beat Rotherham, but me and Crespo nearly froze to death in the process. Darlington was wet and the pies awful. Bury a let down, McCall made some strange choices that night. Rochdale, who tore us a new a-hole. But the worst by a country mile was Notts County away. The players on that pitch stole a wage that Saturday. Should have stayed in Hooters. But there can be only one, and it wasn't a win. Brentford away, was a cold wet and miserable December afternoon. The first half was pretty average, but the second half was the most exciting 45 minutes of the season, Typical City mind. Equalise in 90th minute. Lose in the third minute of injury time. The ground was shabby, but had bags of character, and the fact that it had a pub on each corner of the stadium helped out no end.

Pie of then Year
The football in the lower leagues might not match the Champions League in either technique or glamour, but they sure do know how to make a mean savoury. Apart from Darlington, absolutely abysmal, pretty much everyone put in a good offering. The Bantams Steak and Kidney is among the best, but this season was all about two Lancashire towns that form part of Greater Manchester. It is to be expected, they lie deep in pie country, but living up to the hype is not always easy. Finishing as a worthy runner up is Bury. Gigg Lane is a dump, and its minuscule pie stand means lengthy queues, but it was worth the wait. The Cornish pasty was a little small, but stuffed to the brim with filling. The Steak and Kidney was even better. Dr Shotgun, who by the way loathes kidney, even agreed that it was good. But even this offering proved to be no match for the pies served just down the road in Rochdale. An article a few years ago had voted their Streak Pies the third best Footie grub in the land (It was beaten by a bacon roll and something non pie in Scotland), so held claim to serve the best in the land. And they just might be right. Served at the perfect temperature, the balance of steak and gravy was just right. The pastry was spot on, even and not to dry. And it was only £2. Magic. It will indeed take something special to usurp this slice of savoury heaven

So that's it for another year. A division we thought would hold us for one brief year, will be our home for at least a third. Already the budget has been slashed, and it is doubtful we will see the likes of Rhys Evans, who had a decent year between the sticks but was too expensive to keep, Mark Bower, Keith Gillespie, Super Barry Conlon, Paul Heckingbottom and Kyle Nixin the Claret and Amber again, all deemed surplus to requirements. Peter Thorne is out of contract, and it is doubtful we will be able to afford the services of Jones, Law and Furman, even if they became available. Offered contracts so far are, Colbeck (?), Bullock, O'Brien and Clarke. Rumour has Windass playing his swan song for us next season, but unless he comes for next nowt, I can't see it. Anyway, enough of the ageing tyros Stuart. If things are as tight financially as they sound, now is the time to start from the bottom up. Teams like promoted Exeter City should be what we aspire to become now, not a final pay day for players whose next career choice should be as a postman.

Bollox

Sometimes you get beat by nine goals, and have to hold your hands up and say "Fair play." Other times you just have to take it up the G. Tonight we had to retire from the court and take the catcalls and barracking from the JMF, knowing we had only our selves to blame for the margin of our defeat. Two Scoops hit the woodwork umpteen times, Clogs forgot to take the lumps of wood of his boots, Shouty forgot his contacts, JohnnyM blasted everything high wide and handsome and I decided to hit every shot straight at the goalie. We had numerous chances that were spurned, and got what was coming to us. Dead Eye, Dan and Young Gaz made us pay in spades. Our shooting was so bad, that even Jamon, who was forced into and extended spell nets after a collision with Big John, only conceded at most four scores. The way we were shooting, he could have taken himself off up to The Sun for a few beers. The title of this post pretty much sums it up for the Righteous. Bollox....

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Dan the Man, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two Scoops, Clogs, JohnnyM and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 10

Euro Elite - 6

Draws - 1

A Message to You.....

Sorry about the lack of any action on the old blog lately, but it was another hectic weekend, followed by a Bank Holiday. Nothing much out of the ordinary occurred the first couple of days. A night out down the George Friday and family stuff on the Saturday. It was Sunday that was primed for excitement, as me and my brother and some old friends met up with the Mercenary and took a trip down memory lane....

Now to those of you under 35, a Rude Boy is probably some annoying chav kid who lives up the road, but for those of you approaching 40 and aged beyond, it was a catch all name used to describe the followers of Ska music during the late 70's and early 80's. The record label behind this movement was 2-tone records, and the top band was without a shadow of doubt, The Specials. Well after splitting up about 25 odd years ago, the old pension plan needed topping up, and a reunion tour was announced. So this Sunday we made our way over the Pennines to see our teenage heroes in the flesh at the Appollo in Manchester. After having fortified ourselves with several pints of Guinness, we arrived at the boozer next to the venue. It was still early, and myself and Big Al managed to meet guitarist Lynval Golding, before grabbing a spot outside the boozer for a few pre gig pints. Coach loads were starting to show up now, spilling legions of Fred Perry wearing, Doctor Martined middle aged Rude Boys into the area outside of the pub. These guys must be single handily keeping these two companies afloat. I haven't seen ox blood coloured boots for decades...

The Appollo it self had seen slightly better days, I imagine, but this rickety old flea pit was the perfect setting for a band whose hey day were in the dole infested days of Maggie Thatcher. If the place looked a little ragged, the acoustics most certainly weren't. The warm up was above average, and everybody found their seats. The chap in front of me, a mild mannered fellow a couple of years my senior I would guess, proceeded to warn me that he was going to be up and dancing from the off. I assured him I had no problems at all with this, but was in for a shock when the Specials came on stage. He was quite possibly the worst dancer in the world. Ever. Now I appreciate as the the years roll by that we can't be expected to throw down the shapes of our salad days, but this guy appeared to be moving to the sound of a completely different band. I caught the eye of the guy behind me, and he too seemed hypnotised by the out of time swayings of our fellow Rude Boy. Luckily the Specials were brilliant, and after the first song, the novelty of the dancing buffoon faded. Terry Hall, the lead singer never moved about much, but then he never did, but the rest threw themselves about the stage. All the best hits were played, and the encore of "Too much too young" and "Long shot kick the bucket" brought the house down. I thought my little dancing buddy in front was going to explode he was that excited. I had waited a long time to see them play live, they never played Bradford, and my mum wouldn't let me go further afield at the age of 14, and they didn't disappoint. God I wish I was 15 again.....

PS Does anybody know where I can buy a Harrington Jacket? I feel a mid life crisis coming on.