Le Grand Buffoon 2008

So another buffoon of the year draws to it's climax. This year, in a break with tradition, I ran a poll to give everyone a chance to voice who they though should receive the prestigious "Maillot Jaune." Before I announce the winner, a quick recap. Last years recipient, The Funky Messiah, was quickest out of traps, with a stunning display over the festive period, but soon went into hibernation when he found himself a new chick, and quickly faded. The slack was immediately taken up by the Right Honourable Shoutster, who kept a steady pace through the Spring, and found himself leading the pack. Over the summer the likes of myself, El Grande Queso and Paulcano flirted with the top rankings, and a late effort, mostly football related, gave Helmet the smallest of look ins. The vote turned out to be very close, I was pipped by a solitary vote by our winner, who in true Buffoon style, admitted to stuffing the ballot. He finally accepted that he was the true winner last weekend, and it is with great honour that I unveil our 2008 champion Buffoon. A strong candidate since appearing on the scene three years ago, he at least takes the step up from also ran to Le Grand Buffoon 2008..............................




SHOUTY PAUL






















The Right Honourable joins the Pantheon of Stupidity with past winners;

The Funky Messiah 2007








John the Don 2006









Jamon 2005












The race for 2009 starts now. Shouty will be expected to be a strong contender once again, and previous winners such as John the Don and Funky, will always be strong contenders. Jamon however, due to his ongoing incarceration, would appear to be fading quietly into the annals of history. I may self, having spent far to much time in the company of idiots, have also seemingly acquired the knack for stupidity, and cannot be discounted, along with El Grande Queso, anybody with the last name Jannetta, Mad Ad, Skid and Tony Helmet. But what of the new comers?? Bakes and Paulcano look to be choc full of potential, and if you ever have the pleasure of spending an evening with a drunken Lefty, you will see that boy could fair romp away with the Yellow Jersey. But I fancy a dark horse, somebody who you never associate with stupidity, but certainly is not adverse to a bit of Buffoonery. I think Crespo could be the surprise package this year, and will be keeping close tabs on him. Let the Stupidity begin!!

Bantams 1 Shakers 0

A clean sheet! With Matt Clarke suspended, McCall drafted in the on loan Tom Clarke as his replacement, and for the first time in weeks we looked a decent defensive unit. I was once again impressed by the youngster O'Brien, who looks to be gaining confidence, and has started to get forward more often. A dull first half, in which Bury struck a post, and the usually deadly Thorne missed the simplest of chances, gave way to an excellent second, both teams moving the ball from end to end. Daley began to terrorise the Shakers rearguard, but we weren't getting the rub of the green, and with time running out, a scoreless draw looked to be the likely outcome. But with five minutes left, the Bantams won free kick from fully 25 yards out. Lee stepped up to take the free kick and lashed it against the bar......

Baz Watch-...as the ball flew up in the air, Super Baz, on as a 75th minute substitute, flew towards the looping ball. We all expected our shaven headed hero to crash into the keeper, as did the Bury stopper himself, but instead, as if propelled by rocket powered boots, he flew skywards to nod the ball into the back of the net. For a brief second there was silence, as the crowd took in the magical feat they had just witnessed, before the place went mental. Even the stadium announcer revealed the scorer as "Super" Barry Conlon, as his name was chanted around Valley Parade. Get in Bazza..... 8/10

Pie Rating- Comes from the Shoutster, who passed judgement on a Meat and Potato pie. He said nothing much, but gave high praise to the mighty Chop Sauce, as he gave it an over inflated 7.5/10. He does admit to being something of a pie rookie, so his mark should be taken with a pinch of salt. Or a dollop of pepper, whatever you prefer.

A Concerned Jamon

As we all know, brother Jamon, a former high ranking officer in the Bender Squad, is currently away serving a possible life time incarceration in a maximum security facility in the Badlands of Riddlesden, a prisoner of the nefarious Mean Repressive Spouses, aka M.R.S. for a crime he did not commit. His only means of contact with the outside world are the occasional moments when he can gain snatched seconds on the Internet. It was during one of these brief moments he must have smuggled this e-mail to yours truly, highly concerned with the what had happened to one of his erstwhile colleagues. I will leave it up to you to decipher which one it was;

I have released a carrier pigeon, bearing a note telling him not to worry, and that Tony Helmet has most definitely not taken up bingo.

Der Lowen Continue to Roar

The early season form is a distant memory, as the Lions notched up a third successive victory, away at VFL Osnabruk. Two second half goals were enough, and TSV have now climbed up to ninth in the league, five points shy of the promotion places. Next up is Koblenz at the Allianz, a win, with other results going our way, could see Der Lowen climb up to the lofty heights of fourth place.

Away Days- Mariners 1 Bantams 3

Ahoy me mateys! Two Away Days in a week, and this one proved a lot more fruitful than our trip to Darlington. We were on the coast, Cleethorpes to be precise, to watch City take on Grimsby Town. The game itself started brilliantly for us, as Omar opened the scoring early on, but within minutes we found ourselves down to ten men after big Matt Clarke picked up a straight red for a professional foul, although it looked quite innocuous to me. This could have been the moment of capitulation for us, but the Mariners are mired in a twenty game winless streak, and it showed. Now I am not saying we didn't play well, going on to score anther two goals when you are a man down against eleven is not a feat to be sneezed at, but they were woeful. Boulding scored anther in the first half, and when Lee rose to power in a header ion the second half, the game was won. Of course they scored, and but for some seriously poor shooting, they could have made a fist of it, but victory was ours. We play again on Tuesday night, against Bury, will be a better barometer as to where we are at the moment form wise, as they are a solitary point behind us in the table.



Baz Watch- Apart from a few warm up sprints, his Irish keister remained rooted to the bench. Although Thorne was slightly off his game, Boulding looked very good against his former club, so I can see, injuries permitting, his strarting place will be on the bench in the coming weeks.

Pie Rating- This ground is a proper throwback, more of which later, and the concession stand was a mobile burger van kind of thing. I was concerned we would be stuck with burgers and hot dogs, but it proudly displayed a menu featuring Steak and Kidney pie. This was to prove slightly misleading, as in fact the only flavour they sold was chicken and mushroom, was a peasant surprise as it is my personal pie of choice. The cost was £2.50, reasonable, and it was warm. The sauce came in massive squirty bottles, both red and brown, and was of an acceptable standard. Taste wise was above average, although a bit light on chicken pieces if you ask me. My original prognosis was to give it a six out of ten, but on reflection I think it just about deserves a a 7/10. Tony stuck with a 6/10, and Bakes followed suit, pointing out the fact that the pie disintegrated on the first bite. I am surprised he took more than his usual one bite to polish it off anyway.



The ground, as mentioned above, is from anther era. The away end was built just prior to World War Two, in 1939, and it doesn't appear to have changed mush since. I particularly like the bar area, which is like having a pint in an old working mans club. It is housed under the stand and you even have a seating area with tables. Cool. The ground itself is situated smack in the middle of a housing estate, and gives it a community feel, no out of town industrial complex here. The crowned was of a reasonable size, around 4,500, but because we weren't in some grandiose white elephant like Darlingtons ground, it actually felt like there was a crowd present. On the whole, it is museum piece, but I quite liked it.

Statistics

• Capacity-9,235
  
• Concessions-Not bad considering the grub is served from a vehicle, not usually a good omen. The bar is quite frankly, as cool as fuck. (although £3 a pint is a bit rich)
  
• Built-1898
  
• Did You Know?-The Main Stand, opened in 1901, is thought to be the oldest in the Football League, and because it is made partly from wood, always has a fire engine parked next to it on match days. It is also the lowest stadium in England, only two feet above sea level.
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, Helmet and Bakes
  
• Rating-Coliseum. In the truest sense it is very much garden shed, but being the old romantic that I am, I loved the place. It's a proper old ground, with proper stands, and just felt right for the league it is in. Alas, there are plans to move Grimsby Town into some soulless, out of town, multi purpose structure that will give all the romance of watching a game in a Tescos Superstore. Hopefully the credit crunch, or more likely relegation into the Conference will stop these heinous plans, or they should at least make the place a listed building. Otherwise yet another piece of true football heritage will be gone forever.

McTimes Be Four it Be...

Yyargghhhh, ye scuba ringedmakearl knockers, yet again I be too McClever fer ye, especially that tahr Black Beard, who be figurin I be in McBerlin. McNein!! I be in fact guzzlin' gherkins in McDusseldorf, McGermany. This be meani, I have for shiny McCoins if thar be anybody swift enouhgh to figure where I be weighing McAnchor. I be blowin' through this place, lookin' fer grub, on what looked like a sea, at least it was big enough to be. That be the last of ye clues, as I be off to McGrimsby to be see the Bantams. Is it enough of a tip fer anyonme to guess...

Where bbbbbeeeee McEuro?????

Brave Effort Still Comes up Short

I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach after tonight's match. A slightly queasy feeling that I could only put down to something I thought i would never feel for the Gaylord MoFo, sympathy. The game was nip and tuck, after managing to gain a lead, we pulled back level with the JMF, and the game was set to be yet another thriller. But just at the moment we finally wrestled back a goal to go one up, Two Scoops, one of the lynch pin players for the MoFo pulled up lame with a pulled hamstring. I will give the cock munchers their due, they tried their little tails off, but with one of their key players injured the result, sadly for them, became a formality. yes they pulled back to within two scores at one point, and Mr Scoops even came out of goals to give it one last effort, but they still came up short. Back to a seven game advantage, and with only eight fixtures left, even Jamon, the most die hard of the rampant arse bandits, must now accept that the Righteous will prevail in 2008. Next week the game could well and truly be up.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky, King Dave, Lukelear and Two Scoops

EURO E- Young Gaz, Lefty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -17



• Euro Elite - 24



• Draws - 0

Gender or Bender?? Dublin...

This week we are off to the Emerald Isle, and it's capital city Dublin. I have been here three times, once for my 29th birthday, for El Grande Queso's stag night, and most recently for Molecats final fling. But is it a place to rekindle a relationship? Or are you better off having your blood type tattooed to your forehead, in case of resuscitation?

Price- A very cheap place to get too, thanks to RyanAir, but that is about the only thing that is cheap. If you are stying in a hostel on the edge of the town centre, big up to the Paulcano for finding one, you can find cheap accommodation, but if you are hoping to impress your partner, with a decent hotel, make sure your bank account is well stocked, because it ain't cheap. in fact quite the opposite. I do know of one hotel that bridges the gap between the two, but it still is a favoured haunt of lads on the piss. Temple Bar is the local tourist trap, and has prices to match. Anywhere that you get into free, and has a late opening time, will up their prices on the hour, every hour after midnight. Lobon got stiffed for about £9, when he got a vodka and coke in the small hours. Even away from the bright lights you will not find a pint for under £4, the cheapest I found was at the Guinness store house, more of which later. 3/10

People- Much is made off the Irish hospitality, but the bouncers down Temple Bar can be less than accommodating on a busy weekend night. On my first visit, as long as you weren't as arsed as Dutch was, entry seemed a pretty straight forward affair, but the dawn off budget airlines, in particular RyanAir, saw the rise of the Stag night, and it got nigh on impossible to get into a nightclub. Things have cooled since then, with the economic downturn and all, so it has improved. The locals seem friendly enough, although they are scarce on the ground in Temple Bar, where you are more likely to encounter Yanks and Australians, than a Dubliner. I prefer the bars around Trinity College, it is more relaxed, and at my age, not quite as hectic. The local talent is above average, but if you are desperate to pick up a chick, you are better off targeting the plethora of British hen parties carousing the streets. The bartenders are amazing, you never seem to get held up at the bar, even though they are pouring gallons of the slow poured Guinness at any given time. 7/10

Stuff- There are probably some very nice cultural things to do in Dublin. I am aware of the Book of Kells, and the National Galleries collection of works by Yeats, but just about everything else centres around the pub. Even the shopping is nothing special, the main retail area on Grafton Street resembles just about any British high street you care to mention. The main tourist draw is the Guinness storehouse at the brewery. It isn't cheap to get in, about £13, and you only get one free drink, in the impressive Gravity Bar, but it is good spot to kill an afternoon, as it has four different bars through out, that serve the cheapest pint of the dark stuff that I found. The Gravity bar at the end is brilliant, giving an uninterrupted view of the city. The taxi driver on the way back gave us a good tip for if you want to score some extra free beer. Most of the people who go to the Gravity bar, where they only serve complimentary pints, don't actually like the stuff, and will take a couple of sips and leave it, meaning a free pint for those not concerned about drinking out of somebody else glass. Apart from that, there isn't much to do but supp. 6/10

Reputation- A well known destination for those in search of a bender. Of course this means that some folk take a dim view of the English shenanigans, but what the hey. It is a small town, no bigger than Leeds, so getting around is quite easy. The missus is also likely to more receptive to a Dublin jaunt, as there is no famous red light district, and because of the lack of anything else to do but drink, a short two night session is ample time. 5/10

Intrigue- A tough one. It's a place that before you have been, you really want to go, but once you have been you kind of wouldn't rush back. Of course, because you can get there for next to nowt, there is always the possibility of another jaunt, but if I was to raise a trip just for the Hell of it, I can imagine the take up being fairly low, due to the fact that just about everybody has been there. That said, the Shouty Saltaire Posse wouldn't mind a go, so if it were just a one night flyer I would be up for it again. 4/10

Verdict; 25/50 Price apart, a great place for a lairy night on the tiles with the lads. Can't see there being much to keep the missus diverted though. On the Razz with the Ladz, a definite......
BENDER

Away Day - Quakers 2 Bantams 1

The month of October has seen the bright shiny start of September and August fade, as yet another indifferent display, on Sky Sports to boot, saw us drop yet more points. That is five points out of the last six games, and that includes the miracle comeback at Accrington. Myself, Intrepid Kev, Travelling Tone and Bakes set off up to Darlington, expecting a win, but agreed that a point would not be a bad result either. The ground stands on a by-pass out of town, and looks pretty impressive as you approach, especially when you consider some of the sheds that are called home in this God forsaken division. But the impressive exterior soon gave way to indifference when we saw this 25,000 seater stadium was playing host to barely 3,000 folk, a good third of which seemed to be in the away end. Then it pissed it down. For eighty solid minutes, we watched what could only be described as sub par Sunday league quality football, as any of you who managed to stay awake that long watching on TV will be more than aware. With seven minutes left, Darlo won a free kick just outside the penalty box, and me and Crespo agreed it was going to go in. And sure enough it did. Oh well, another game lost int the dying minutes, but late substitute Omar Daley broke down the left, and equalised within a minute. The draw we would have settled for seemed within reach. Then our majestic defence decided to slice, fumble and fall over as the clock ticked towards full time to allow a player from the soccer hotbed of Liechtenstein to rattle in the winner. Sometimes being a City fans sucks arse. Big time. Still, hope is not lost, as we get a chance for another Away Day on Friday night, as we travel to Cleethorpes, to see the Bantams take on the Mariners of Grimsby Town. If it wasn't for deducted points, Town would be bottom of the league, so it is a banker home win for them, if City's recent performances against shit opposition is anything to go by.

Baz Watch- Played the full match against his former club, which usually means your supposed to score, but one squandered half chance was the nearest our bullet headed journeyman came to woorying the score sheet. The conditions were dreadful, and he was by no means the worst performer, that was reserved for the inept Colbeck, but he was as poor as the rest of the team. McCall has stated in tonights local newspaper he wants to bring some loan players to freshen things up, and with Willy Topp proving to be a bit of a bust, I reckon he could be looking for another big target man. We will see. 4/10

Pie Rating- This was my first journey to an away fixture this season, and I was really looking forward to sampling a pie not from Valley Parade. Was I to be rewarded for my patient wait? Or was fate to cruelly mock me, with an offal offering? To help out I had three companions to help me rate the Quakers Savouries;

Euro Bri-Steak Bake
The stand looked welcoming, all the pies were set out in what appeared to be a warm glass cabinet, and very appetising they looked on a chilly October evening. The price was cock on as well, and I decided on the Steak Bake, the most expensive choice at a very reasonable £1.70. First up the sauce. It was some generic no name brand, that came in one of my pet peeves. A sachet. It took four of these little packets to get a smidgen of Brown on my pie, that turned out to be stone cold. As I broke into it further, it gave out an aroma akin to the cat food the Elster dished up to the family pet. Fucking Disgraceful, and an insult to pies everywhere. It gains a solitary point for its cheapness. 1/10

Crespo- Meat and Potato


Said his was also cold, but tasted all right. It looked like Chappie dog food to me, and his pie casing fell apart pitifully. Still he is big enough and bad enough to make his own mind up, and gave it a rather surprising...3/10









Helmet- Steak Bake

Agreed with me...... and then some. Particularly disgusted with the cruddy pastry, cold filling and garbage condiment on offer to supposedly enhance the taste. Slated it, and even left most of it, not something you often see. 1/10








Bakes- Meat/Potato, Chicken Balti, Mars Bar, Peanuts and a Chicken Wrap on the way home.

This fella is an eating machine. We will stick to his pies here. His first one was seen off in three or four mouthfulls, each met with a a burst of obscenity. "Dog Shit" "Wank" and "Fucking Garbage" were the ones I remembered. Still didn't stop him inhaling a Chicken balti on the way back to our seats, which was also likened to a steaming pile of canine poop. 1/10




Statistics

• Capacity-25,000
  
• Concessions-Cheap, and the service is pretty quick, even on the beer stand. But as you have read above the pies are an abomination
  
• Built-2003
  
• Did You Know?-The current structure can be upgraded to take extra tiers that would lift the capacity to 60,000. (Current record attendance 11,600 for opening game)
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, Crespo, Helmet and Bakes
  
• Rating-Park Pitch-The average crowd in this cavernous stadium is somewhere between 3,000/4,000, which means it has absolutely no atmosphere. What they were thinking about when they built, I don't know. A white elephant.

Bantams 2 Gills 2

It's days like this you wished you were born in Stretford or Highbury, as the bantams squandered a two goal lead, after Gillingham had been reduced to ten men to boot. With just four minutes left, Lee and Clarke watched the oppositions number ten surge between them and slot home an equaliser. Then, with the game deep into injury time, Lee headed against the bar, and Willy Topp missed a golden chance on the rebound, blazing over from inside the box. At the moment it is not enjoyable stuff, City seem to be lacking any kind of direction, having bursts of decentish play here and there, but for the most part just waiting for something to happen. Sorry about the delay in this report, my ISP was down most of yesterday.

Baz Watch- Came on for the final quarter of an hour, and was way off in his timing. He seemed to jump about half an hour early for every header he went for, not so much salmon like, but like a tin of Salmon, as the wag sat in front of me observed. He made a nuisance of himself after the Gills equaliser, and missed a tap in by inches. Not his best, but by no means his worst. 5/10

Pie/ Guest Rating- This week Aki felt well enough to risk a pie at half time, and chose the Meat and Potato variety. He chose most wisely in his choice of condiment, deciding on the Mighty Hammonds Chop Sauce to compliment his snack, a fact that didn't go unrewarded in his final verdict, earning an extra two points, as he gave an above average score of 7/10.
(Does anyone know where you can buy Chop Sauce? I cant recall seeing it in Morrisons, and I still refuse to set foot in those dens of evil Tesco or Asda. In fact I am going online right now to see what I can find out...)

(Found this link, and no I didn't ask the question)

(I am shocked to have found out that Hammonds Yorkshire Chop Sauce is actually made in LANCASHIRE!! Check this link)

1860 March On..

Just as the Bantams early form fades, Der Lowen turn around their indifferent start and notched up a second consecutive win against Bavarian rivals SpVgg Greuther Fürth, winning 3-1 at home, after going behind in the third minute. Two second half goals from Lauth sealed the points, but Lars Bender picked up a knock that may require an operation. Next up is VFL Osnabruck, the team directly above TSV in ninth place. a good run up to the winter break would be good, me and the Shoutster are still hoping to get out and catch a game in the new year.

He Who Waits...

Bad news. The train tickets to go down to London to watch the Bantams take on the Bees has gone up from £35, to £50. We need to get our shit together pronto, so if anybody who is going can get me their brass, I will get the tickets booked. If there is more than ten of us, we might get them a bit cheaper via a group booking, but I think the dates we want to go are popular, so I am not getting my hopes up. So if you are up for it, contact me ASAP.

McTreble

Yarggghh, ye scalloped dicked barnacles, even though I be givin' ye a fortnight to be scratchin' yer noggins, none of ye oicked up on me clues. A place on a compass be West, and near somewhere I been before, Memphis, means I be scarfin' shakes in McWest Memphis, Arkansas, in the good ole uUS of A. Thsi be meanin' me McTreasure be standing at three Doubloons. The clu be in the McPicture, me colurs may give it away. Or be it a herring to send ye astray? All I be askin', is if any of ye squid brained buffoons can figure;

Where Be MMMMcEurooooo???

Intrepid Kev and Travelling Tone vist...Accrington Stanley

Seeing as I no longer seem to be able to get to away games, I was on husband duty in Paris this time, I have now decided to dedicate an ongoing thread to my wandering buddies, henceforth known as "Intrepid Kev and Travelling Tone visit.." Of course if I mange to tag along, I will revert it back to "Away Days", as I feel I can give a first hand account, instead of just relaying the tales told by my two favourite explorers. This week they didn't stray too far, as they nipped over the pennines into pie country, namely Accrington, Lancashire to see the Bantams take on the Stanley. It took the pair a while to find the ground, as it literally appears to be in some one's back yard. It was nearly a wasted journey for the pair, as on arrival they saw a sign saying ticket only, and both had not seen fit to purchase one before travel. Luckily a steward overheard them talking to a local bobby, and manged to get them one sorted. By now they has worked up an appetite, and were horrified to find that although they were smack in the middle of country, and the main stand was even sponsored by a local pie maker, there were no such savouries to had in or around the ground!! Instead they had to make do with a burger from a van just outside the ground. As the picture shows, and unimpressed Intrepid gave it a lowly 3/10. The ground itself was as garden shed as they come, and at 5,057, must be the smallest park in the leagues. Things even looked more gloomy for our duo, as with ten minutes remaining, Stanley looked like taking all three points, leading by seemingly insurmountable two goals to nil. But they had not figured on a resurgent Big Baz Conlon, who set up the first, scored the second, and was on the pitch when Thorne slotted home a last minute winner. Intrepid Kev reckons Travelling Tone, who is not Bazzas biggest fan, was even singing "There's only one Barry Conlon!", but Helmet totally refutes this allegation, although he did concede our bald headed hero had turned the match. Next up is Darlington, and it looks I will be able to make this one, and is closely followed up with a trip to Cleethorpes to watch the Bantams take on Grimsby town, another trip I should be able to make.

Late Burst Upsets Righteous

I'll go to the foot of our stairs. Two up with time running out, and the JMF all arguing amongst themselves, you would have put your house on the outcome being in the Euro favour. But credit where it is due. By some weird cycle of fate, the arse hungry MoFo not only equalised, but triumphed by three, as the Elite went to pieces. It is difficult to point any fingers, even I am not sure how it happened, but the usual amoeba like JMF are finally showing some backbone. I can't really bring myself to write much more, but with nine games to go, the cock munchers have whittled the Righteous lead down to six.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky, Dead Eye, Lukelear and Two Scoops

EURO E- Young Gaz, Lefty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -17



• Euro Elite - 23



• Draws - 0

Gender or Bender?

Welcome to a new weekly thread, that aims to give an insight into the various destinations I have visited, and as to their suitability for either a massive binge drinking frenzy (Bender), or somewhere to take your partner to make up for a recent indiscretion or forgotten anniversary/birthday. Some will apply of course to both, let's face ti you can get pissed or your leg over pretty much anywhere, but some places are defiantly more suited to one rather than the other. My aim is to give each place a rating out of fifty, based on the following criteria;

1. Price- Do you need to clear the credit cards, or can you take a twenty and party all weekend? I have decided to mark this on the basis of what it costs in West Yorkshire, my home county, so that if something is the same price it gets five, and gains points for being cheaper, and vice versa for costing more. The main staples for this will be the prices of beer, grub and nightclub/event entry.
2. People- Are they friendly? Do they all resemble female shot putters? Do they go? Just a few of the things that will come under consideration. An ability to speak English will also earn points, but it is more important that the locals are fit, and enjoy wearing skimpy clothing. Unless it's someplace to take your missus, where the opposite applies. Obviously.
3. Stuff- What is there to do there? You can;t just get wankered in a bar all the time. Sometimes it's nice to get wankered in a different setting. Football games featuring top teams, ie Barcelona or great festivals, ie Oktoberfest are sure fire Bender favourites, whilst boat cruises and great shopping are the stuff for Gender trips. Sight seeing falls under both categories, as cool stuff is cool stuff, if you know what I mean, ie The Empire State Building.
4. Reputation- Lets face it, it is easier to fly a bender past the old trouble and strife if it is closer to home. They seem to think it's a bit of a piss take if you announce you are of to Vegas for some partying with your buddies. That doesn't mean that places an hour away are exempt though. The mere mention of Amsterdam has been known to put a relationship in jeopardy. So sometimes an unheard of gem can be the best bet, as in Tallinn, or perhaps Budapest. This also applies in reverse, as in say Paris or New York.
5. Intrigue- to get a trip up and running you need buy in. It has to be somewhere folk want to go, or have a reason to visit. A great example is Pamplona. Would you want to go? No? I thought as much, but if I were to say lets do the Bull run, you would probably change your mind. It is different stokes for different folks, but once you get a couple interested a few more will follow. Then again, and price can play a feature in this, there are places you would only really go for romantic weekend. I do firmly believe Venice would be wasted as a Bender destination.
6. Verdict- I will tally up the points, and give my verdict. Gender or Bender. I suspect the higher the marking out of fifty will indicate a result of Bender, and low for Gender, but there may be some anomalies.

So this is the template I will use over the coming weeks. If you feel I have missed something out, or totally disagree with my eventual verdict, feel free to leave a comment.

Paris. Bender or Gender?

I have just returned from the capitol of France, so will use this famous destination to launch the new weekly, Gender or Bender? thread.

1. Price- Ooo la la, these people know how to charge. If you do wish to go on a bender, and there are plenty of places to do so remember this. Everybody knows it is more expensive to eat and drink outside, but did you know that in most bars it's cheaper yet again to drink at the bar? That's why they are always locals at the bar. Even then, at current prices, it is near enough £5 a pint. Sit in a tourist trap and it soon rises to nearer £7/8. I saw one place that was charging 12 Euros for a litre, which is more than ten quid! Sacre Bleau! Get down the side streets to find a bar, not a bistro, and if you are intent on a session, get out into the suburbs. In Colombes I was getting a pint for around £4. Food ain't cheap either, although there are plenty of MaccyD's and they serve the cheapest beer you are likely to find not in a super market. Clear your credit card for sure. 2/10
   
2. People- Thisa town has a reputation for chic, but I am not so sure it is well earned. Yeas I know in comparison to Bradford it ranks in another galaxy, but I stand by my findings. There are not just one or two, but loads, of women who really need to be reminded of their age. The sight of fifty to sixty year old women dressed in tight mini skirts, with more slap than you would find on Coco the Clown, is not a good one. Even the sexy young ones all seem to be stuck in the seventies, all black tops and denim stuffed into thigh high boots. Yes there were loads of stunners, dressed like they had walked off the catwalk, but I suspect they may have been Italian. The there is the language thing. Most of us did some French at school, but there is not a whole lot of use for being able to tell someone your name in French. Luckily for us we speak English the language of the world, and to be fair most of the locals do too, and are willing to speak it. Only the most snotty of shop assistants will treat you like a turd if you enquire "Parlez vous Anglais" Only on the Metro at rush hour do good manners seem to fly out the window, and beware the mutton dressed as lamb brigade, who seem to hate everybody. 7/10
3. Stuff- If there is a more beautiful city in the world, I have yet to see it. At every turn there seems to be a fantastic church, or grand place full of cafes and the like. This is what London probably looked like before the planners moved in. World famous shopping, monuments and art galleries abound. "Sounds a bit Gender" I hear you say, but the locals love to drink, and if you land in town with a bunch of thirsty geezers in tow, there are plenty of places to hit the ale. Bastille, Les Halles and around the Sorbonne and Saint Germain are worthy places to visit, but for those on a mission look no further than Le Pigalle. Home to the Moulin Rouge, it rivals Amsterdam's red light district for sex shops and peep shows, although there is no window shopping. It has bars and clubs open into the wee hours, and is as seedy as it comes. As for events and football, there is always something to do. 10/10
4. Reputation- as mentioned above, it has a reputation for being expensive, but apart from that everything is good. Fine dining, cafe culture and street life are things that this city does as well as any. It is a place, to my mind, that everybody should visit at least twice, as every time you go, you seem to get a better handle on the place. A must see. 9/10
5. Intrigue- Because it has so much to offer, and doesn't have one specific reason to visit, it very rarely gets mentioned as a stag night or landmark birthday destination, in the same vein as say Dublin or Amsterdam, and because of it's eye watering price of beer, falls behind the new frontiers of Eastern Europe. But if I were to ring around the lads this weekend, and say I am organizing a Bender to Paris, the uptake would be fantastic. But there is no getting away from the fact that other cities would garnish an even greater uptake, so it sadly doesn't rank as an elite Bender option. 6/10

• VERDICT- 34/50. Way above average, and a place I love. My advise? Take the wife. GENDER.
  

Ou est la Elster???

By now you all know I am fond of running a comepetion, and this week I have a special on off oppourtunity to win your self a magnificent Parisien prize that is shown in the video below. "How do I get my hands on that!" I hear you cry. Well it couldn't be easier. Above is a picture of that well known Paris landmark Sacre Couer. As you can see by the steps leading up to it, it's a massivly popular destination, and in amongst the throng is the on and only, Elster. Simply spot her, and tell me her location in the comments section below and this fantastic prize is yours. The rules are the same as McEuro, no anonymous enties are accepted, and my decision, as always is final. In case someone correctly guesses the answer, and does so anonymously, I will re run the contest with a diffrent picture. Good luck...

Bonjour!

And Ay oop. I have returned from my jaunt to gay Paris, and just about buffoon free at that. Just about, as I totally timed the train wrong, and we made our flight back to LBA with about four minutes to spare. Of course the Elster is a different story all together. Our first night there, I found a little cafe to have a romantic meal in, and ordered up some champagne cocktails to capture the mood. We ordered our grub, with came with a beautiful soft cheese to spread on some crispy bread. It would seem that the bubbles had gone to our lasses heed, as she tried to spread out the cheese, she sent the bread flying across the cafe, narrowly avoiding an unsuspecting diner in the process. Of course she found this hilarious, and broke out in gales of laughter that had the whole restaurant staring in our direction. Even the Maitre De came to investigate what the Dickens was going on. Oh the shame! Now I am not sure if it's because I don't take her out much, but next up was our breakfast on the Sunday morning when she ordered French Toast off the menu. I was going to raise my concern that this wasn't probably going to be the French Toast served up in America, but figured it would be best if she found out the hard way. As you can see by the picture to the right, it turned out to be just two slices of toast, that happened to made in France. I got to pay £5 for that little mishap. Last of Elsters dinner gaffes, was on the final evening of our trip, where we queued twenty minutes to get into a highly recommended restaurant in Montrassee district. With it being so busy we got seated with a lovely couple from Canada, both of whom where men. Elster couldn't make up her mind what to eat, so gently prodded her new dinner companion in the ribs and looked over his shoulders enquiring " 'Ere what's that like?" as he was about to take a bite of his steak. His companion across the table lifted his plate to the missus as well, to make sure it met with her approval. They both took it in good jest, and turned out to be great dinner companions, although neither could grasp the fact that in Yorkshire "Having your tea" means dinner, or that people actually ate French Fry sandwich's (Chip Butties). Everything else went swimmingly. The weather was great, although the prices were high. We need that Euro to take a dive big time..

The rest of my thoughts on Paris, can be found on a new thread, that you can find above called "Bender or Gender?" where I rate the various towns and cities I have visited as a place to go all out with the Lads (Bender), or take the wife/girlfriend/mother/bit on the side (Gender), marking the whole thing out of fifty.

Offski

Screw the credit crunch, I am off to Paris tomorrow with the Elster, for a break from all the doom and gloom. I have been ever so good with my credit card this year, so in a bid to revitalise the world economy, I am off to give it the thrashing it so richly deserves, after all you only live once. On the culture side, I am off to see the Mona Lisa, and on the footie side, I am off to watch Racing Club de Paris, who apparently play their home games at the stadium used in the climax of the film "Escape to Victory." Should be interesting. As the Elster is my companion for this trip, I do not envision there to be much buffoonery, which is just as well, as I seem to be stuck in a two horse race with Shouty to win "Le Maillot Jaune 2008," although I think there might be foul play a foot... See you in a few days.

Eh!?!

The ball was shit, the wind was in their favour, Kev was rubbish and they just plain cheated. There that's all the excuses out of the way. The simple fact of the matter is however, that for the first time in months, the female dodgers of the JMF just played us off the park. I didn't mean just to single out Crespo at the beginning of this report, every single member of the Euro E sucked, as I think a combination of hubris and surprise lead to our eventual downfall. We have become that used to winning, I fear we fell into the trap of thinking we could just lob a pair of shorts onto the court, and the knob jockeys would be vanquished. The surprise came in the MoFo performance, an ocean has passed under the bridge since they played this well. They took an early lead, and we just seemed to potter around waiting for something to happen. Then the lead was extended, and still we strolled about, thinking everything would just fall into place. They went further in front, and then we finally woke up, but instead of playing well, we all fell out with each other, in particular Young Gaz and Crespo. But some how, we manged to put a burst of form together, and drew level. It was nip and tuck for a spell, but then Dead Eye rolled back the years, and had one of his trademark flurries of scoring and the game was up. I don't remember the final margin of victory exactly, but it was at least five, and could possibly be more. This means the Euro lead has been cut to seven, but with only ten more games till 2008 champs are crowned, it will require a Herculean effort from the shirt lifters to wrestle the title away from the righteous. I have a feeling the result could well be the kick in the pants we needed, and the full fury of our vengeance will be felt next Wednesday.

Line-ups;

JMF- Lefty, Funky, Dead Eye, Lukelear and Two Scoops

EURO E- Young Gaz, Shouty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -16



• Euro Elite - 23



• Draws - 0

Away Days

Oh how fate mocks me. After having to miss the much anticipated St Pauli versus TSV 1860 game early in the year due to the lack of holiday time, Der Lowen have only gone and drawn Hamburg SV in the cup, to be played in late January, just about the skintest time of year. Me and the Shotster are desperate to check out the Reeperbahn as a bender destination, but seem to be foiled at every turn. This may all stem from the "Curse of Munster" way back in 2006, during the World Cup, when we failed to show the port city the respect it deserves. I had got lucky and scored tickets to see Italy take on the Czech Republic in the first round, on the Thursday of that particular week. We had been to Koln for the England/Sweden game, although we didn't have tickets earlier in the week are were nice and relaxed on the Wednesday before we took off to Hamburg, even the train was booked. After four days of living on top each other in our camper van, I took off alone into Munster for some lunch, and me time, away from John the Don and his fucking eggs.

Everything was going swimmingly, I found a local gasthaus, got a table and a pint of Guinness and looked through the menu. But just as I was making up my mind what to eat, the low murmur of polite conversation was burst by the unmistakable Maltese tones of the King of the Pixies. " 'Ere, helmets, this looks alright!" My best laid plans, for a peaceful Bender Squad free day, scuppered. "Fuck me, it's Bri!" shouted out Sandro, and I decided if you couldn't beat them, join them. After lunch, we decided to watch the early kick off, if memory serves it was Portugal versus Mexico, and we found a bar that was showing the game. During happy hour. Which featured Long Island Ice Teas at a remarkably low price, served by a fit Moroccan bird. We got absolutely wankered, and even left at one point, only to return and start all over again. A bunch of German students came in for the next match, of whom was playing I to this day have no idea. One of the locals approached me, his face full of concern. "I an a medical student" he said " and I am concerned for your friend." "it's only the Boy Dazzler" I told him, as if this made everything alright "He'll be right." But the boy was done, and was soon poured into a taxi, with the driver given no indication of where to take him. luckily word must have been out around town about a posse of numb Englishmen, as amazingly he made it back to the camper van, where the Don nearly whacked him one with frying pan, thinking he was trying to break in. There was now just four of us left, and we were now in full stupid mode. After having a sing off with the locals, which ended when one asked why San's England shirt had only one star, and his German shirt had three. "Two world wars" was his response, as we took off looking for more booze. Funky nearly got his lights punched out by a bird whose arse he slapped, and Queso save Sandro form a bunch of students who were carrying him off to a local hostel, after finding him sprawled in the gutter. The next thing I can remember was waking up at about six the next morning, with a serious hangover, as Funky and Queso finally arrived home. This left us an hour to get sorted and catch our train to Hamburg. As you can see in the video below, spirits were not high.



So to our journey. I only had four tickets for the game, so San and PJ, decided to come along just for the ride. John the Don tried my patience early on, as with only ten to go before our train was due to depart, went missing. After looking around the station he was found outside in a cafe, preparing to order a breakfast. The muppett. The train ride was not fun. At over four hours it took for ever, but allowed us to catch up on some much needed kip. We were happy to be off the damn thing when we pulled up into Hamburg, adn bade farewell to the two who weren't coming, who headed off to the Reeperbahn. Now I know in previous Away Day postings, I have bemoaned the modern penchant of locating new sporting arenas out of city centres, but this was the daddy of them all. It took over thirty minutes to get there by train, and you were then faced with a half a mile hike through a forest to get to it! I began to question as to whether we were still in Germany at all, and feared we had wondered into Denmark. Of course the ground was superb inside, although it looked like a half finished warehouse from outside. And I would recommend to anybody, if given the chance to stand with the Italians as they sing their brilliant national anthem. It makes the hairs on your neck stand up. The game wasn't half bad either. We had a sending off, and had perfect seats to witness Inzaghi round Peter Cech to score the second goal in a 2-0 victory, but after having to trudge all the way back into Hamburg, having got lost, and taking over an hour, the lads were spent. Only myself, Dazzler and the Don managed any beer, as the planned night of debauchery never materialised, and at around midnight, we caught our homeward train stone cold sober. Even that didn't go well, as we were hit by an hour delay, as we rolled back into Munster at dawn. Since then every plan to return to Hamburg has been thwarted. Can we break the curse? Only time will tell..

Statistics

• Capacity-57,274
  
• Concessions-This is Germany, so beer and wurst are the order of the day, and damn fine at that.
  
• Built-2000
  
• Did You Know?-It has been chosen to host the 2010 Europa League Final
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, The Boy Dazzler, John the Don and El Grande Queso
  
• Rating-Field of Dreams-Is a monumentally long way from anything, but it is a top class facility. If the home team raise the roof like the Italians and Czechs did, it would have quite an atmosphere.

Change of Plan

In the interests of saving some brass, what with the financial meltdown and Christmas on the horizon, it has been decided to shorten our London bender by a day. I have priced the train tickets down from £80 return, to the more pocket friendly £36.95. Nice. Of course this means we have to travel on the trains we are allocated on our ticket, so I am reckoning on leaving Bradford Forster Square on the 9:31 train, which gets into Kings Cross for 12:24, and coming back the next day at 15:10, or later depending on what the general consensus is. As for digs, I reckon we can find a place fairly central for around £50 each, or do it on the cheap and stay near Kings Cross for nearer £30. Will try and get sorted at next home game in a couple of weeks.

Stop The Nonsense??

As the credit crunch begins to bite, it is with amusement (for the time being anyway), to watch the supposed great and good stand and watch as all the nonsense they created falls down around their ears. First up is the E.U., who have spent the last five plus years trying to get all of us to agree to all manner of legislation that would result in a united Federal Europe, that only they wanted, and when the first real crisis rears it's ugly head, they all fall out and do their own thing, and then try and blame it all on the Irish, who acted alone in guaranteeing the deposits of their citizens, forcing the rest to follow suit. But aren't they all missing the point? I may be missing the point here, but if I am reading this right, my taxes are now not only propping up the lifestyles of the dim and workshy, but are now being used to bail out institutions that rewarded recklessness and paid stupendous bonus payments? Where are all the bank executives as the shit truly hits the fan? Are they sat worrying about what will happen to their jobs, pensions, savings and mortgages? Or have they made themselves scarce, having seen the coming storm, cashing in shares they knew would soon be worthless, to live in the lap of luxury as the rest of us sweat it out? Do you ever get the feeling you have been taken for a ride? I know I do.

But even with all he financial woes going on, it is grand too know the nonsense brigade continue on their merry, liberal way, heads fully ensconced up their rectums. Examples? The headmaster, who decide to have his teachers annual training course not in the school, nor even the local council district. Nope, he decided that the whole United Kingdom was not a morale boosting enough destination, and decided that blowing around £20,000 worth of council tax money on shipping off to the sunny shores of Marbella in Spain. He claimed it was better value for money. So it was cheaper than having it in a ready made class environment, namely his own school? What a feckin' idiot! My last training course at my place of employment was in a half empty warehouse on an industrial estate in the sunny climes of Barnsley. But hey, I don't work for in the public sector, so my gaffer doesn't have the luxury of rinsing the local population. Sticking with our educators comes the news that another school has decided to drop spelling tests as they were causing some children "unnecessary distress" and give the one's that weren't the sharpest a "sense of failure." So what does she think they should do? Nothing? The mind boggles, that people who are so obviously unfit to hold such positions of responsibility are allowed to do so.

Lastly this week comes the news that not content with bombarding us with rhetoric and constant adverts telling us how we should live our lives, and then taxing the arse off anything that we might actually enjoy doing, that the our beloved government is now contemplating spending £12 billion, setting up a database to monitor every phone call, e-mail and website visited by the people of the United Kingdom. Add to this the ID Card that they would so love to introduce, and you have to wonder just what these buffoons are up to. Free country?? For how long...

Stop The Nonsense!

Bantams 1 Hatters 1

City broke their two game losing streak, but with the equaliser coming in the 87th minute, it was a tough result to stomach. I missed the opening quarter of an hour, couldn't find anywhere too park, but what I saw in the first half was much of what has been wrong with the Bantams lately. There just didn't seem to be any urgency. The on loan Furman put himself about, but coughed up the ball to easily, and at half time a non to happy McCall strode past us to the dressing room. the second half began much as the first, Clolbeck was having one of those days where he looked like he'd be more suited to a Sunday pub league team, and the front two did plenty of running, but there was no passing quality. Time and again the ball was played into spaces devoid of Claret and Amber shirts, and it looked like neither team would score in a month of Sundays. Then with around 20 minutes left, Heckingbottom got himself sent off for a rash challenge that earned a second yellow. This finally seemed to wake City up, and Daley finally began to terrorise the Luton rearguard, resulting in a goal for the Mighty Bantams. But as I said at the beginning of the piece, with the clock showing just over three minutes remaining, Luton slung a cross into the area, and an unchallenged header resulted in the equaliser. Next up is Accrington Stanley away, although I will be getting all wet and romantic with the Elster in gay Pariee. I am reliant as ever on the lads to provide pie support.

Pie Rating- Forgot my phone, so pie rating will be taking the week off.

Baz Watch-Without a doubt his best showing of the season, and he even earns an extra point for making a buffoon of Tony Helmet (although he doesn't seem to require much help, to be honest) With only fifteen minutes left Stuart summoned the burly Irishman to come on as a substitute, Helmet rose from his seat and bellowed "Stuart, I'am big, fat, bald and shit, why don't you bring me on?!?!?" much to the mirth of those around him, and within earshot of the great man himself. As he sat down, with no doubt a smug look of satisfaction, Big Baz trundled forward, lost his marker and ghosted to the far post to open the scoring. McCall turned in the direction of his tormentor and gave a fisted salute, as our big mouthed muppet was left to scoop his chin off the floor. Our smooth headed hero another opportunity to score within minutes, but the keeper managed to get in the way of his blockbuster shot, although if one is to nit pick he really should have done better. Anyway, he proved more of a threat in his fifteen minute cameo, than the either Boulding or Thorne had in the previous seventy five. Get in there Bazza! 8.5/10

Der Lowen Roar

After last weeks draw, the Lions of TSV rolled over FSV Frankfurt 3-0, away from home no less. On the score sheet was Lars Bender, Timo Gebhart and man of the match Fabian Johnson (pictured), who announced that "Now we can enjoy the Oktoberfest finale!" the lucky blighter. It was 1860s first away win in eleven attempts, stretching back to last season, and sees them rocket up the table to tenth place, although with several games taking place today they will more then likely slip back a few places. Next up is SpVgg Greuther Fuerth, who currently lie in fifth, at the Allianz next Sunday.

McStumped

Yarrrgghhh, ye mollusc headed keel jockeys, none of ye could be graspin' where I be, so me treasure be standin' at two doubloons. Yer clues be give me sunshine, as in Eric Morecambe, and the other be full of locals, as the place be also McKnown as Bradford by the sea. I be Foisten' french fries in McMorecambe, McLancashire. The week I sail by compass, close to a place I McBeen before, yet a diffrent state to be sure. Up a river with a paddle I be, but can any of ye gherkin munchers be McFigurin',

Where be MMMMcEurooooooooooo!!

Der Lowen Draw

TSV finally manged to gain result against somebody other than MSV Duisberg, after drawing 1:1 with Ingersoldt 04 at the Allianz. I am a little disappointed with the result, as Ingerslodt were only promoted from the regional leagues this year, but there is a good excuse I suppose. We are of course slap bang in the middle of the world famous Oktoberfest, and as one of the clubs official sponsors is a brewery that has its own tent, it is to be expected that some of the players might have been getting into the party spirit. The picture below features the Lars and Sven, the Bender twins, living up to the family name. Go on fellas, get in there!


Can't tell if it's Lars or Sven playing pocket pool with himself, but hey, with those two honeys, who could blame him. Next up is FSV Frankfurt, who play in the shadow of their more famous city rivals Eintract. Another newly promoted team, you would like to think it would be a banker, but away from home, and on current from, I a not getting my hopes up.

Close...But Not Close Enough

Tonight's game down the Wood featured two changes per side, but the result was the same. The biggest surprise was how close a game the shirt lifters manged too make it. For the first twenty minutes there was only one team in it. The Euro boys played as good as they have ever played, and the biggest surprise was the fact that the MoFo had managed two goals, as we ran riot. Everybody played their part, with a couple of goals exemplifying the quality of play by the men in white. First up was an intricate passing move that featured every member of the team, culminating with a chipped pass too Clogs that was rifled into the top corner on the volley. Surely this couldn't be topped? But in a move that brought too mind the Carlos Alberto goal that clinched the 1970 World Cup for the mighty Brazil side, it was outdone. The move was started by a resurgent Shotgun, who laid off to my good self, before making his move, that was found to perfection via a scintillating slice of interplay between me, Crespo and Clogs, finding him on the edge of the area, where he sold two scoops a shoulder charge before smashing the ball into the opposite corner. Truly magnificent. But with a nine goal cushion, and the Gaylord enemy seemingly vanquished, something strange occurred. A combination of complacency and fatigue gave the penis lovers a glimmer of hope, and in Young Gaz, they found someone to exploit it. Time and again he found the corners to drag the moFo to within three goals. The storm seemed weathered, but a last Herculean push by the usually profligate King Dave resulted in the unthinkable. The knob jockeys had pulled level. But as the saying goes, form is temporary, class is permanent, and so it proved, as the Righteous shook off their torpor, and re-established a three goal cushion that was to prove the final outcome. The clock is ticking for the man loving JMF, as we now hold an eight game advantage, as the year winds towards its conclusion.




Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, King Dave, Young gaz, Lukelear and Two Scoops

EURO E- Dr Shotgun, Shouty, Clogs, Euro Bri and Crespo

2008 Season

• JMF wins -15



• Euro Elite - 23



• Draws - 0