Rochdale Ahoy!

The decks have been cleared, and it is all systems go for the Rochdale game on the 19th of January. It is our first away sojourn of 2008, and we are looking for an early start in town, and then off to the 'Dale by ways of train. I will be expecting everyone to try at least one variety of pie, as according to the rough guide to English footie, it is amongst the top three for pastry filled savouries. Much beer will be drunk, and it would be nice to see Paul-cano, Pembo, Aki etc. there as well. So mark it in your diaries, and lets get '08 off to a bender.

Useless Rochdale F.C. Facts

Comedy legend Tommy Cannon (of Cannon and Ball fame) was chairman in the 1980's

The Dale have been in the basement division of English professional football since 1974, longer than any other team.

Spicy Soup Day

This Saturday is something that is known as "Spicy Soup Day", among certain denizens of Shipley, namely the Right Honourable's Saltaire crew. From what I can gather it involves going to a pub in Otley, having some spicy soup, and then getting as wankered as possible. The Shoutster claims it is some kind of ritual that they have undertaken over several years, and I have decided this year to join them. It clashes with a city game (versus Hereford), but we can get a train up there after the match. The boy Dazzler has given a cautionary "yes", but Crespo is bleating on about having to work the next day. Anybody else who wants to partake, "the more the merrier", as they say. We are likely to end the evening in the Gala casino at InnitWorld, at the bottom of Leeds Road, Bradford.

Bantams 2 Imps 1

It seems ages since there was a Bantams game to write about, the last one being postponed, but the Boxing Day fixture has become something of a tradition, and this year the Funky Buffoon and the Mercenary joined in. Skid and Helmet nearly did, but when they found out they had to sit in the Kop, miles from where we were, they buggered off to the Prune Park Inn. Lincoln have changed mangers since we last played them, and their new appointment was none other than Peter Jackson, a favourite target of abuse, although i am sure Sol Campbell wouldn't approve. The first goal was a well executed finish by Peter Thorne, although I am relying on Crespos word for this as me and Funky were still downing a beer on the concourse. The rest of the match was the usual city fare. They seemed to be coasting along, choosing to pass instead of shoot when in scoring positions, when out of the blue the Imps equalised. The game was drawing to a close, and another two points seemed to have been squandered when....


Baz Watch;

Came on after 78 minutes. Resplendent in shiny white boots. Immediately made impact by starting to win headers that seemed beyond Big Dave and Thorne. With the clock showing 90 minutes, Bazza trundled into the opposition box, and found himself in space as Omar slipped the ball across the goal mouth. Our hero made to slot the ball to keepers right, when the ball stuck him and went in the opposite direction to the wrong footed keeper, to slowly trickle over the line for a GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bazza, Bazza, Bazza!!! Big Baz for Ireland!! The crowd went bananas, the legend will surely continue to grow. Bring on Hereford, the Bazmeister is primed and loaded to fire us onwards and upwards.

There is no grub rating this week, as I was stuffed full of Turkey and beer, and didn't feel up to the indigestion explosion that Valley Parades food is capable of inflicting. See you Saturday

Internet Shopping: A Cautionary Tale

Well another Christmas has passed, and I hope you all had a good one. Now I know Xmas is supposed to be all about family and brotherly love for our fellow man, but deep down it really comes down to one thing. Presents. The more the better. Now I know this is rather shallow of me, and I do enjoy spending the day with my nearest and dearest, but you just can't beat getting presents. This year the outlaws asked what I wanted, and as i was having to order some wristbands for young Ike, I decided to pick up a couple of TSV 1860 hats, to keep my bare bonce warm. So I looked through their online shop and picked out a couple of titfer's that looked all right. The problem was though that neither was modelled on antibody's head, it was basically a picture of said item, so you had no idea what it looked like on. Well that's my excuse any way, for this bonny bonnet;

Lovely isn't it. Well it provided the lads down the footie on Boxing day with much mirth. The other hat looks pretty cool, but the Elster has designs on it. So beware when purchasing hats on the old Internet.

Mother of All Hangovers Finally Eases

What can I say, kicked off the festive season with a cross group bender that I have just about recovered from. It started out innocently enough down the George, but with the full Wibsey Clown Posse out on the razz, it was always gonna get messy. The early lowlight involved Glyn, who carried out a strange, and to be honest, quite repulsive Wibsey joke on a poor unsuspecting drunk. It is called a shit 'tache, and involves one of the WCP (Wibsey Clown Posse) rubbing his index finger in his arse crack, and then wiping it under one of his mates noses. And you thought they were strange in Wilsden. It was pretty funny watching the look on the guys face though. We were joined by the Boy Dazzler, Mossy, Shotgun, big JohnnyM and even Tony Helmet showed his face before heading off to the Park pub to hook up with Queso, Gster and the Shoutster. By know things were getting rowdy, Shouty opened his buffoon account for the year, drunkenly trying to get money out of a broken cash machine, that was literally in pieces. The look of bemusement on his face was memorable The buffoonery wasn't just confined to the Right Honourable though, we were asked to sup up and leave after a pretty dumb indiscretion by my good self. Into Bradford town centre it was, and let me tell you what a shithole it is. Lloyds wasn't to bad, but anybody feeling an urge to go looking for some late drinking in Bradford should reconsider, post haste. It is grim. After throwing down shorts and shapes in Lloyds, we were refused entry to one gaffe, and the one that did let us in, would have done us more of a favour by following the other ones lead. So after about an hour, JohnnyM got bad vibes, and ushered us all out into the freezing cold, where, through booze fuelled shenanigans, we manged to get separated. I ended up leaving the remaining members of the WCP getting down with their bad selves in the Mill, and rolled home at around three a.m., not resurfacing until four p.m., to be met by the shit storm that is a pissed off Elster. Just what you need when you believe you have tumor the size of a watermelon wedged between your ears. So today's been spent trying to get back into the good books for Christmas. This is just my sad little version of events, apparently everyone made it home, and I will fill in the blanks as my memory recovers, if it ever does. Merry Christmas.

Tony Blair Becomes a Catholic

So fucking what.

JMF Win

But we don't care. 2007 belongs to the Righteous Euro E. Battle re-commences on the second of January 2008.

Get a Grip Campbell

Big burly Sol Campbell has been bleating today on the BBC about how out of hand the abuse at football has become. He rang in to the Beeb to raise the issue of his human rights being compromised by verbal abuse, then refrains from giving any examples. What the HELL are people like him thinking?!? This is the man who strung along the club that had nurtured him from schoolboy to full international, claiming he was ready to sign a contract, only to spit in their faces and sign a reported £100,000+ a week contract with their bitterest rivals on a free transfer? Get a grip man! He wants to remember what it was like back in the seventies and eighties, when Afro-Caribbean players had bananas hurled at them, then he might have something to complain about. And what about the abuse we see these poor little flowers hurl at referees and opponents week in and week out. What about Alfie Inge Haalands "human rights" when Roy Keane finished his career with a snarling rant using both the f and c expletives?? Fergie even prides himself on his so called "hairdryer" treatment of young players, that in any other field of employment would see him up on charges. Football as a spectacle is dying in this country, with over eager stewards and police and the cost of going to a match, without out some empty headed fuckwit imploring the government to get involved. Get this current crop of left leaning do gooders involved and before you know it we will be banned from raising our voices at any stadiums. You just know it will be fan favourites like Ashley Cole and Joey Barton who will be ready to back him up. It is just another reason why you can take your Premier League, and all it's overrated hyperbole and stick it up the players over paid whingeing sphincters.

McHattrick

YYarrghhhh, ye foam headed window lickers, I be scoring a hat rick of victories, as yet again none of ye could figure that I be larding me love handles in McBlackburn, Lancashire. This be meanin' there be a Christmas prize of three doubloons to be earned if ye can be guessin';

"Where be MMMMcEEEuroooo??"

Textin' Fool

It must be the time of year, but after having the Right Honourable sing me a song about falling in love on my mobile phones answer service, I received a text professing undying love by none other than Dr Shotgun. I was very surprised to say the least, and a phone call soon followed from the good doctor, blaming his new phone and claiming it was meant for his missus. All I can say is, don't worry about it Shotgun, I am a lovable guy after all. Just keep that mistletoe you've been saving to yourself. On a more serious note, a few of us are getting together this Friday down the George for a drunken Xmas knees up, so if you are in the vicinity drop in.

TSV Whip Someone 5-0

TSV go into the German winterbreak on a high as they spanked some team called FC Erzgebirge Aue 5-0 on Sunday, to sit in sixth place, just two points out of the promotion places. Unbelivebly they don't play a league fixture again till the third of February. It wouldn't wash over here I'll tell ya. Still, if I were a bundesliga player, I'd be made up, as they take off to play some half arsed tournaments somewhere sunny. Nice. So the focus now lies solely on the Mighty Bantams. This weeks game was called due to a frozen pitch, which is slightly embarassing as every other team in the region seemed to be able to play. So unless we shake off our hangovers to go to Peterboro', our next game is Lincoln City at home on Boxing Day.

Singin' Fool

Well my home made remedy for battling man flu was, alas, rubbish. It resulted in me being ligged in bed till one o'clock Sunday afternoon, and not venturing more than two metres for the rest of the afternoon. It was worth it though for the few hours releif it gave from spluttering flem and feeling like shite. It was my works Xmas shindig, adn it was agreed with the Shoutster and Crespo that after I finished up in Leeds, I would catch the last train to meet up with the gruesome twosome in Shipley. The problem was though, that the Bantams match had been postponed, and the deadly duo had retreated to the boozer for an all dayer. Of course after swilling a shed load of beer, champgne and Jim Beam, I made my way to Shipley to hook up with our erstwhile heroes. Imagine my surprise when i rang them up to find out which watering hole they were in to find out they had gone into Bradford, and refused to leave. After a couple more beers, I decided to call it a night and ordered a taxi home. Little did I know Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum would spend the early hours of Sunday morning bombarding me with texts and messages imploring me to join them on their downward spiral towrds oblivion. This was probably the pick of the messages left on my mobile, although I am more than a little worried about the Shoutsters choice of song to serenade me with. Even more puzzling was why he thought it would entice me out of my nice warm bed.....

Man Flu

The dreaded lurgy has taken hold of me, just in time for Xmas, and I feel like like a reheated turd. Off out to blitz it with whiskey and beer tonight, will hopefully be feeling better by Sunday.

Season of Goodwill

This blog is well known for its frivolity and nonsense, and although I aim to continue along these lines over the years, I thought with the festive season fast approaching, it was time to set aside the usual shenanigans, and draw everybody's attention to a serious matter that blights the area we call home. It is there for all of us to see whether you reside in Bradford, Leeds, Keighley, Skipton, Manchester and in particular Halifax. It upsets children, and often causes nausea in both men and women. I am of course referring to the chubby bloaters who insist on wearing crop tops and waisters, leaving their lardy abdomens on view for all to see. The winter months are of course the most upsetting, as the texture of the stretched skin often takes on a chopped liver consistency, full of blue veins, and causing the numerous stretch marks to stand out even more vibrantly than usual. I have no problem with them being fat, but is it to much to ask for them to keep it to themselves? These people, usually female, although even more worryingly there have been sightings of the male variety, are often spotted in what can only best be described as herds, more often than not grazing on some form of pastry purchased from Greggs. As they stick rigidly into these so called herds, it is my conclusion that they have no idea how repulsive they look to the rest of us. So in the spirit of brotherly love I am today launching "Mirror Aid", a new charity, yet to be registered, that aims to provide these clueless heifer's the means to see how ridiculous they look, and to hopefully shock these misguided lard arse's into covering up. If you are unable to to give a mirror, please feel free to shout "PUT IT AWAY!!" at any stray wobblers, but be wary of using this action when confronted by a herd, as if they gain any kind of momentum during a charge they can be difficult to stop. Don't worry too much about their feelings, just remember who is really offending who.

JMF Relinquish Title

After much cheating and skulduggery resulted in the rent boy chasing JMF winning the in 2006, it is my great pleasure to report that the righteous Euro Elite righted this travesty of justice down the Wood last night. With one fixture remaining, Euro's boys secured victory last night to gain an insurmountable two game advantage going into next weeks finale. Things looked grim early on, myself and big JohnnyM were suffering through heavy colds, and with Two Scoops filling in for Luklear War, our challenge seemed formidable. Dr Shotgun also was unavailable, and with his place being filled by known JMF sympathiser The Mercenary, it all pointed to yet another last game nail biter for the 2007 crown. All our fears seemed well founded early on, as poor finishing, and even more woeful defending saw the shirt lifters surge to a 10-4 lead. We could have at this point be forgiven for thinking the game was up, but with the Funky Pedestrian and Two Scoops showing signs of fatigue, and the mighty Shoutster kicking everything that moved, we picked up the pace and the knob jockeys began to crack under the pressure. The Mercenary was giving all in the Euro cause, and big JohnnyM was starting to get into the swing. The turning point was when European Bri left Two Scoops for dead with a stunning piece of jiggery pokery to pull the righteous back into the game. The rent boy rimmers were now in disarray, leaving massive gaps at the back for Young Gaz to punish them time and again. Once the Big Man had given us the lead, the outcome was never in doubt, as the MoFo imploded we cruised to a comfortable six goal victory.



Easy, Easy Easy..............................YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Two Scoops and Dead Eye

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, European Bri, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary

2007 Season

• JMF wins -21



• Euro Elite - 23



• Draws - 5

McTuesday it Be

YYYarrrghhh, ye pilchard headed sausage jokeys, none of ye be guessin' that I be pounding me quarter in McRotherham, South Yorkshire. This be meanin' two doubloons be up fer grabs if any of ye tentacle trousers can figure;

Where be MMMcEurooo??

Xmas Shopping

Took the day off today to do the old Chrimbo shopping, and even though it was Monday, the hell hole that is the White Rose Centre was heaving. Why, I don't know, it is full of shite. Schuh has some half decent trainers, but ask top dollar for everything, and the rest was pretty much crap. WHSmiths is bursting with biographies of just about every Tom,Dick and Harry how has ever been on the Telly, cooked beans on toast, kicked a football around, been on a reality TV show, or in the case of Russell Brand made a career out of talking in a camp manner about one's winky(his word not mine). And perfume? I am beginning to wonder if I am the only person in the UK not to have a bottle of rancid flower water named after me. Even Peter Andre has one!! Don't get me wrong, I love the old yuletide season, but enough with the fragrances and the cheesy adverts that go with them. Nicole Kidman, in particular, gets right up my nose, no pun intended. Who wants to reek like some Aussie bint who has been rodgered by a Scientologist? Answers on a postcard please..

Euro Curse Strikes TSV

Oh dear, yet again a team I adopt to support, in this case my favourite German football team, begin to feel the Brister curse. Until we went to see them in October, they were flying high in the second division of the Bundesliga, just a couple of points behind the leaders, but since i took a shine to them it has all been downhill. They were tailed 3-0 by Osnabruk, and their streak since we went to see them is two wins in nine games. This has seen them fall to sixth place, seven points behind the leaders. Next week they are at home to a team flirting with the relegation zone, so fingers crossed they turn it around. Good news is the Bourussia M'gladbach game has been confirmed for the 27/04/07, although the kick off time has not been announced. So we will stay another night, and fly back on the Monday.

Je T'Aime

There may be better ones out there, something I will continue to scour the globe for, but I may just have discovered my most favourite beer. I was being dragged through Morrison's by the Elster to pick up some bits and bats, when I managed to give her "Look at the over there!" trick, and bailed when she looked in said direction. I circled the joint till I found the beer section, and headed for the Continental display to see what was on offer. A large green bottle caught my eye, and I purchased two, and rammed them in the fridge when i got home. It was called DAB Original, and is brewed by the Dortmunder Actien-Brauerei, in Dortmund. And it is gorgeous. Served ice cold, it gives off a fine clean smell, and slides down your throat like amber velvet. The price was a fiver for two big bottles, which hold just over a pint. If anyone comes across a pub that sells this lager on draft, or indeed by the bottle, please let me know as I will have a new local.

To the Wire

The gaylord JMF cruised to a five goal victory last night, to set up a tense finish to the 2007 campaign. Usually at this point I would waffle on about cheating, bad luck, being drugged etc., but the fact is we were well beat. Yes they wailed like bitches for every nudge and borderline call, yes the rub of the green seemed to favour them, but even removing all the usual from the equation they were deserved winners. Highlights, or low lights if you will, included the Shoutster marshaling the most innocuous of shots into his own net, as if a proud farmer whistling his sheepdog to round up sheep. Big JohnnyM spent most of the evening on his arse, his lucky trainers may well have played their last game. They cannot be blamed for him dozing off though to allow the Mercenary in to sneak a soft goal. On the KY side, it was nice to see Luklear War sample some of his own medicine when he fouled himself on the half way line, and at the death Jamon did some farming of his own, easing Slippery T Bacon between his corridor shaped legs to gift the Righteous a goal. One up with two to play. Isn't it exciting..

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Mercenary, King Dave, Lukelear War and Crespo

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Crespo, Shouty, Clogs and European bri

2007 Season

• JMF wins -21


• Euro Elite - 22


• Draws - 5

Plans for 2008

As this year slowly draws to a close, it is time to look forward to 2008, and lay out a draft of what it holds for us in the way of benders. First up, the regular crew who show up to watch the bantams week in week out are looking for an away day trip to the closest we have to a derby this year, Rochdale on January the 19th. Standard procedure applies, meet up at Wetherspoons in Bradford, travel by train, get inebriated, watch match, get blitzed on return to Bradford and see where we end up. In February there are a few birthdays to celebrate, foremost among them Tony Helmets 40th, we are hoping to go north of the border to Edinburgh to get lashed up on heavy and single malt. The first foreign jaunt is hopefully going to be to Dusseldorf in late April to catch the mighty TSV 1860 take on Bourussia Monchengladbach. The numbers are there, so it is all systems go, if you are up for it let me know asap as I will be sorting out flights early next year. To fly out Friday the 25th and return on Monday 28th with Jet2 is currently £65. Hotels aren't putting up prices yet, will investigate further in January. After England's abject failure put paid to our June/July road trip to Austria and Switzerland, myself, Grande Queso, The Right Honourable and the Boy Dazzler have come up with a contingency plan. In early September we are taking of for between 6 or 7 days to tour Europe at our pleasure. We plan to do seven countries in this time span, Queso has taken up the task of chauffeuring us around this great continent. As ever the more the merrier, although it will require other members to drive. Mr Kent's motor is full, so any volunteers please make yourself known. John the Don I am looking at you. These are just the ideas that have come up so far, and anybody who has a bright spark, don't be shy of coming forward.

Have posted a gallery at http://bendersquad.smugmug.com/gallery/3939050#228776933 of my recent Salzburg trip, although it is mainly family shots and stuff.

I be McBack

Yarrrrrrgghhhh, ye boil infested barnacle heads, after bein' set a drift for a fortnight I be returned to be floggin' ye noggins. Even with the extra week no one be guessin' that I be gresin' me gizzards in McOldham, Lancashire. That of course means that there be two doubloons fer the geezer who can figure where I have weighed me McAnchor;





"Where be MMMMMcEuroooo??

Salzburg Concluded

Guten Abend, I figured I'd wrap up my trip to Salzburg, as Ike isn't pestering me to play games on the PC. First off the beer. It was good. Not as many German brands as you would expect, the local brew was called Steigel, and was well nice. For a third of a litre glass it ran at about two euros a pop, but was served cold and slid down beautifully. They also did a dark bock style beer, and a weissbeir, although I didn't get a chance to try either. The other predominate lager was Trummer, which I got shit faced on when the clock turned twelve to signal the day of my fortieth birthday. It was a little lighter than the Steigel, but it flew down ones throat. Of course when Bepe and Pepe, the Italian bartenders found out it was my birthday, I was also plied with all kinds of concoctions, including Bushmills single malt, some kind of local schnapps and some weird Italian shit that blew my socks off. After staggering back to my hotel something happened to me that I believed had been left back in my late teens. Room Spin!! At 40 years of age the ceiling was whizzing out of control, and even though I tried the hanging the foot out of the bed and putting on the floor technique, it was a dash to drive the porcelain bus. I was hangover free the next morning, and although was a little bit vacant till around lunchtime, in the early evening I was ready to try some more local beers.

The next beer I decided to try was a local variety of King Daves favourite brew, the mighty weissbier. We found a proper locals beer hall to eat and I took the plunge. Big Frank tried a local special beer that they had a special offer on. It tasted awful, and I checked the beer menu to find out that it was just under 16% alcohol content. The weiss bier that came was 3.30 euro for a lire glass, just under a pint I believe, cold and served by a busty Austrian wench wearing some traditional Alpine clobber. And it was called Eidelweiss. I kid you not. It was slightly sweet, not as much as Hoegarden, but not as dry as Erdinger, which I slightly prefer. It passed the first pint test, which means I had another one. On the whole, I would highly recommend Salzburg as a bender destination, but I think other Austrian towns might be a bit receptive to our brand of tourism, as it is a bit on the conservative side. For starters there was only one lap dance joint, and if there was a night club I didn't spot it. It would be funny though to watch a bunch of Jagermistered geezers try to ice skate (they sell the stuff everywhere). Thoughts now turn towards Dusseldorf in April, and keep checking in as I am in the middle of putting together a bender road trip for next September. Auf Weidersehn.

JMF Keep Hope Alive

It appears the MoFo drugged the righteous Elite, and won by one goal. Two up with three to go.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Funky Pedestrian, King Dave, Lukelear War and Crespo

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Dr Shotgun, Shouty, Young Gaz and The Mercenary

2007 Season

• JMF wins -20


• Euro Elite - 22


• Draws - 5

I 'am 40, Going on 17...

Gruss Gott, meine freundin, I m back in the UK, no longer in my thirties, but having breached the 40 year old barrier. Of course this means I have got my self a pair of slippers, purchased a pipe and forgone all hedonistic pursuits. And monkeys might fly out of my arse!! Salzburg was fantastic, the beer was cheaper than the coffee, plenty of pork and sauerkraut and snow. Oh, and it was minus 10 on a night. Got wankered with Big Frank and a couple of Italians on my birthday eve, unfortunately after downing a shed full of shorts most of it was brought back up later that morning. They were well impressed with my knowledge of the Italian language which consists of the phrase "Mia Molgia e Padzo!" The Austrian birds were pretty nice, but not as fine as their German counterparts, not that I was looking (was there with the Elster). The Christmas market was very pretty, though it sold mainly tat, and mulled wine, although the kids loved the ice rink. I even had a go at ice skating, for the first time since I was about 14, and managed not fall on my keister. Did the Sound of Music Tour with a mad English woman as tour guide, who sang in a high pitched voice that had the local feline population running for cover. Saw all the sights from the film, including this one to the right of me and the Elster outside the gazebo where they sang 16 going on 17. Elster was trying to get all romantic, but I was too quick for her on this occasion. On the last day, caught der zug across the border into Germany, going up into the Alps to visit some proper Bavarian mountain villages. After trying to find some TSV stuff all week, me and Ike finally found somewhere that had everything 1860, from sweatbands and scarves, to hats and pencil cases. And it was closed. Bolloxs. Oh well back in Blighty now, and looking forward to Xmas. Will catch up on other things later today, as Ike is pestering me for the PC. Auf Weidersein.