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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Westlife List

For those of you who have kept up with my meanderings over the past four years will be aware, I have something called the Tesco list. It is a collection of establishments that are either evil multi nationals, hell bent on world domination (Tesco, etc) or so hopelessly inept/stupid/poor value, that it's a miracle they stay in business (Sparks and their wanky sachet policy). But till now, I have never made public my Westlife list. It is not a long one, and is named after the chronic Irish warblers, whose sounds (I refuse to label it music) whose moronic beatings induce bleeding of the ears. They are banned from TV, and if they come on unexpectedly, there is a five second clause, that if the channel is not turned off, I will put my foot through the screen. Alongside these Gaelic toss pots is EastEnders. The cacophony of drivel, delivered in a drama school taught cockney accent at an ear splitting decibel level is enough to drive a saint to sin. How the devil so many people out there derive any source of entertainment or pleasure from this unadulterated dog shit, is truly one of the greatest mysteries of the civilized world. So what has led me to make this list public?

Although Comic Relief skates awfully close to warranting an entry (the only relief is that it only happens once every other year) the fact that it does raise money for worthy causes, and occasionally throws up a half decent moment. But the time has come to put one of it's supposed leading lights out to pasture. Now I admit that way back in the midst of time, aka my childhood, I thought he was brilliant on Tiswas. For a while he was mildly amusing during the 1980's, but now he is one of the biggest irritants in the universe, and sadly, apart from his Premier Inn ads, is only ever wheeled out during the bi-annual charityfest. Lenny Henry now only seems cap[able of pulling some kind of wide eyed simpleton face, and making a strange array of hoots and hollers, that only he seems to find amusing. Let's face it, his time is up, and he should only be broadcast on those nostalgia shows that Sky seem to show continually. It's happened to all the UK's comedy "greats" from Jimmy Tarbuck to Freddie Starr, and it is high time Leonard was shown the way to the countries least hilarious rest home. Or even better, he could be sent, along with Westlife and the entire cast and crew (past and present) of Eastenders on some deep space mission to the outer nebular region.

Westlife List
  • Westlife-the mere mention of the name is enough to cause nauseousness, never mind the sight, and especially sound, at witch thoughts of stalking them, and torturing them, as they torture my precious senses takes an almost homicidal hold.
  • Eastenders- Really, who watches this shit? The fact that I am taxed to provide funding for this garbage, is enough to make me contemplate emigrating.
  • Lenny Henry- Go. Now. And for fucks sake do it without the stupid noises!

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