Storm in a Pint Pot

Who are these people? What is their purpose? And who the Hell pays for them? Seems we do! The latest case of "We know best" masquerading as the oldest of chestnuts, Health and Safety, have decided that pint glasses are far too dangerous. The Home Office, no less, has drafted in so lavishly remunerated no doubt, consultants to design a plastic vessel for drinking our beer out of in pubs. The excuse is a statistic that claims there are 87,000 violent incidents involving the glasses, that result in £100 million pounds being spent by the NHS. It appears our Government have declared war on the traditional pint pot.

But it got me thinking. Where the devil did they get their £100 million figure from? That means, on average, every glass wounding cost our health service £114.94. Seems rather a lot per wounding if you ask me. Does the 87,000 claimed assaults include those bottled outside pubs and clubs? Because a bottle is not a glass, is it? Or are we to get plastic bottles as well? How many of the perpetrators are sent to jail, or even caught and prosecuted? And just how likely are you to meet the jagged edge of a pint? It is estimated that there are 126,000,000 pints pulled every WEEK in Britain. That means there 6,552,000,000 pints served a year. Just over six and a half billion, give or take. By my reckoning, that means you have a 1 in 75,310 chance of being harmed, per beer you drink. Of course the odds drop considerably if you choose to drink in Lloyds Number One bar in Shipley town centre. But if that's where you decide to drink, then you pretty much deserve what's coming to you...

So too my mind, the numbers just don't add up. But then there is the taste. God knows a pint costs enough these days, but having to drink it out of a plastic beaker? We have all had to drink out of one before, at outdoor festivals, football grounds and the like, and it just doesn't taste the same. And I know it's not just me, have you ever heard anyone pipe up "Mmm, I sure wish my local would get rid of all their glasses and start using plastic one's"? Have you bolloxs. They are also less environmentally sound. Plastic takes decades, and in some cases centuries, to bio-degrade. But then there may be an ulterior motive for the push to outlaw the pint glass. Maybe they are hoping to eradicate all the injuries caused by spilt beer. Not slips and falls, but all the fights caused by the accidental knocking of strangers brews. If we had plastic containers, they could easily put lids on them. Like the Tommy Tippy ones loved by toddlers. They could even have those little clips inside, that regulate the amount of fluid that can be drunk in any one tipping action. Then at 9 o'clock they could send round a bearded, vegetarian, lesbian do gooder, to gently burp us, and send us home to bed. I should be careful what I post here, it may well give them ideas.

O it seems yet another simple pleasure is being targeted by the number crunchers in Westminster. Instead of punishing the Neanderthal dim wits who can't handle their booze, it is instead the law abiding millions that will have yet anther freedom eroded. They don't even consider what the clowns will use on each other instead. Will all stools and seating need to be clamped to the floor? Or will they gather up loads of the plastic cups, ram them together, and form a rudimentary club? I tell ya, if it wasn't for the tax revenues, they would ban alcohol in a heart beat....

Stop the Nonsense!!!!!!!!!

Hard Earned

Phew, that was hard work. I had loads of plans for tonight. A new stop the nonsense post, news of our first Away day of the season, and an update of the trials and tribulations of the Der Lowen. All put on the back burner, after tonight's epic tussle down the Wood. The teams were a an odd mix, long time MoFo'er Young Gaz found himself representing the Righteous, whilst well known lady slayer Two Scoop, got in touch with his feminine side, turning out for the female dodgers of the JMF. Big Phil took the place of an absent Shouty, and Funky brought along a virgin to the weekly mayhem in the shape of Dazzling Daz. Throw in a returning Dr Shotgun to the Euro fold, and the game was set fair. From the off, the nefarious MoFo looked to have the legs to cause some serious problems for the high flying Euro boys, but speed is not everything. A tight game plan was kept throughout, and everybody put in a shift between the sticks, especially Big Phil, to frustrate the fleeter shirt lifters. A slender advantage was gained, thanks to the industrious running of Young Gaz, Clogs, and the good Doctor, as I stemmed the tide at the rear. A two goal margin was maintained for most of the match, but as the game entered it's final ten minutes, a concerted burst of attacking football saw the girls in red claw their way back to level pegging, thanks to a brace of goals for the rookie Dazzling. Could they force their way through to break the deadlock, and stem a miserable run of form?

Could they bolloxs. The scent of victory seemed to catch them by surprise, and as they tried to come to terms with the possibility of of winning, the grizzled veterans in white seized their opportunity. Not once, nor twice. Not even three times. But a rapid four goal burst put paid to any illusions that the limp wristed followers of Jamon had of securing victory. The defeat suffered by the Euro boys a couple of weeks ago, looks to be nothing more than an aberration, as the White Juggernaut continues is unstoppable run to be crowned the King of the Wood 2009.

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Jamon, Dazzling Daz, Luklear War and Two Scoops

EURO E- Euro Bri, Young Gaz, Clogs, Dr Shotgun and Big Phil

2009 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 17

Draws - 1

But What about the Rest?

I read with some amusement, the tale of the South African athlete who is being made to take a gender test, because she looks like a geezer. Admittedly she is a bit on the butch side, but I reckon a few of the squad have tackled mingers less feminine than the gold medal winning athlete in question. But after watching a bit of the Championships, I began to wonder, is it that she looked so butch, or is it she didn't look as fit as the rest? When I was growing up, the former Communist countries of Eastern Europe used to throw up growlers of an epic scale. Telling a bird she looked like a Russian shot putter, was about the gravest insult that could be bestowed. Just checkout the photo of the Czech athlete Kratochvílová to the left. You wouldn't mess, would you? It was the gymnasts that used to put a sparkle in a young fellas eye.

But then the Chinese got involve, and all of a sudden gymnastics became really creepy. Girls with the head of an eighteen year old stuck on an eleven year olds body? Disturbing stuff indeed. But with the fall of the Berlin wall, and tougher doping tests something weird happened. All the runners started looking like women again. And is if to prove it, particularly at the just finished World Championships in Berlin, they have decided to wear next to no clothes. Even the girls in Hooters wear shorts less hot then those sported on the track. Cheered me up no end, and sure as Hell beat the shit out of watching the "One Show." I fear this may be the beginning of my "Dirty Old Man" phase....

Wakefield- Pietastic!

An unexpected Bender, but the planets aligned, and myself, Shouty and Crespo headed off too Wakefield, to a bash organized by Plus One to celebrate his recent nuptials in Poland. All three of us have a high regard for the night life of this town, and after sinking plenty of ale, and a couple Polish vodkas, Sprocket took us off to visit the town oddly named Mexican Quarter. (It is named so because it has a night club called Havana, the locals grasp of Geography would appear to be a little wayward). This turned out to be a most lively spot, and we even downed a very generous serving of Long Island Ice Tea, something which I was to pay a heavy price fro the next day. We stayed down this "Quarter", which is really just an alley, till about 3:45, when we all began to run out of steam. That is when Jonesy introduced to a local gem. A pie stand that was open till the early hours. It has a little neon sign showing the way, and the queue up the stairs was long, but it was well worth the wait. It has been years since I have finished the evening off with some decent grub, instead of the usual dodgy kebab shop, or burger van. Steak pie, with chips and peas, and they had proper sauce containers, instead of those wanky sachets. Result. Wakefield is rapidly becoming my West Yorkshire bender spot of choice. Superior to Bradford, choice wise, and not as hard work as Leeds. It was only £30 home in a taxi, even though me and Crespo fell out big time about who got dropped off first. And if you are reading this my handsome friend, I gave the cab driver a fiver worth of change when you were at the cash point. I am sure there was some buffoonery afoot, but will have to confer with those present, as after that ice tea cocktail, my memory gets a bit hazy..

Leffe Blonde v Budweiser

Leffe Blonde

Style- Abbey Beer

ABV- 6.6%

Price- £2.83 per bottle in supermarkets

Brewed- at Leuven, Belgium


Budweiser

Style- Lager

ABV- 5%

Price- about £4.50 for a four pack

Brewed at- St Louis, Missouri


Overview
A clash of styles. Budweiser, seen by many as a weak tasting industrially brewed lager, and Leffe Blonde, originally brewed in an abbey by monks using a time honoured method passed down the ages. Of course, this being the 21st century, all is not what it seems. Firstly, they are both actually owned by the same company, the multi national brewing Goliath that is InBev. The Belgian company purchased the Budweiser company for $52 billion dollars in July 2008. Leffe was brought under the InBev umbrella a few years prior, and hasn't been brewed at an Abbey of any description since 1952. It is in fact now created exclusively at the Stella Artois brewing plant in Leuven. (The abbey, and monks, where it originated receive a royalty for the use of the name). This could be close, as both have a strong fan base, and both, inn particular Bud, tend to fall into the love or loath category.

Odds
Could go either way, but I expect the fact that Leffe is more of an aspirational brand than there more working class Budweiser, could give it the edge. It also packs a stronger punch at 6.6%, so will be favoured by the more macho amongst us. I make the abbey beer a slight favourite.

Battle of the Brews The Final 16

Well there was a surprise result after all, and a most welcome one, if you ask me. The voting turnout was low, which is to be expected, given the long break since the sixteen qualifiers were announced. The battle between Tescos Value Lager and Rolling Rock, was expected to go the way of the evil empire, as some of the more mischievous amongst you were expected to cast a "Wind up Vote" with express desire of pissing me off. But when balloting closed, Rolling rock was the victor by a single vote, and goes forward as the first brew to make the quarter finals.



Quarter final Line Up;
Rolling Rock

1000 Reports, Rants and Rubbish

Well I surprised myself, being a chap of a very idle tendency, that I have reached the milestone of one thousand posts, since launching this blog just over three years ago. It was started just after the end of the 2006 World Cup, and was created to report on the shenanigans perpetrated by the Bender Squad. The problem is, that over the last few years, a number of the Squad have done something, that at the time I dreamt up this site, I would never have thought possible. They all started to grow up. Well not all, but some of the great stalwarts of the days of swaggering around the continent, swilling beer and having fun and acting dumb, have unfortunately fallen by the wayside. There are various reasons.

Jamon has found himself incarcerated in a maximum security holding cell, at Riddelsdenamo Bay. There have been rare sightings, but he is no longer one of the cornerstones of our organization, just a distant memory. Health reasons have seen another of the originals curtail his activity, but by no means to the same degree as Jamon. The Boy Dazzler, once the first name on the team sheet, has had two demons to fight. He has chosen a career that makes ludicrous demands on his time, but more worrying, and not totally surprising when you consider lifestyle, is his health. As mentioned prior, he is till spotted out and about, but it has been a couple of years since he was seen on a full blown Bender. There are hopes that he can be rehabilitated.

Other reasons abound for the complete disappearance of old school members such as MC and Barney Rubble, but on the whole, the biggest impediment for most members, has been the spectacular crash of the economy. What mean spirited wives, girlfriends and mothers have been unable to put a halt to, our esteemed leaders in government and banking have managed to drag too an all most standstill. Redundancies, shorter working weeks, reduced overtime and tighter credit have put the brakes on reckless spending of money on having a good time. But we shall soldier on. Over the next couple of years there are a raft of milestone birthdays to celebrate, and the downturn can't last forever.

On an upbeat note, plans are all ready under way to make another visit to the Munich Oktoberfest in 2011, as Crespo turns 30, and Funky racks up the big Four O. The Boy Dazzler has hinted that for his 40th, he wants to organize a sojourn to the Big Apple. Throw in the annual TSV 1860 trip, and the fact that somebody is bound to take the plunge and get married, and there is plenty of reasons to think that I will still be awarding the annual "Maillot Jaune pour la Buffoonery" and reporting on a plethora of Benders in three years time, as I pass the 2000 postings mark. As John the Don would say, probably to a bunch of passing nuns, "Viva La Bender squad!"

Der 1860 Bender 2010

All systems go, for the now annual trek to watch Der Lowen as TSV 1860 Munchen play. This years destination is Düsseldorf, to see our favourite German club take on Fortuna. The dates are in April, and already we have in place a crack unit to take on our Teutonic brothers at their national sport, binge drinking. If any one is interested in signing up, Jet currently have flights at £70 return, and our hotel, at the current exchange rate, comes in at about £75 each, for two sharing, over three nights. A bargain, if you ask me. Tied into this, is a chance to go see Borrusia Dortmund and drink loads of DAB on the Saturday. The only fly in the ointment, is possibility that the 1860 game is played on the Friday night, as our flight arrives too late for us too make the match. Fingers crossed. If there are any interested parties out there, let me know ASAP, as the hotel only has a couple of rooms left at that price.

Is One a Streak?

No it is not. And the MoFo aberration was put behind the Righteous, as they strolled to four goal victory. It was warm down the Wood, and a makeshift JMF put up a reasonable fight, keeping things on a level pegging for three quarters of the game, before they plain ran out of steam. The cock munchers, bar Dr Shotgun (who was on a goodwill mission), even lead on a couple of occasions. Jamons toe was primed and on target, but the finest strike of the evening went to the batty master himself, Funky, whose exocet of a shot flashed past a startled Two Scoops. Big JohnnyM, Lefty and the good Doctor all put in a good shift defensively, but the biggest surprise was the efforts of the latest addition to the 40 club, Jamon, who kept a rare clean sheet. Anybody who has witnessed the aforementioned antics between the sticks, knows that this indeed as rare as JonnyM uttering the words "Keep the change." For the Euro boys, there was no real standout performance, just a solid team effort. Symbolic of this was the magnificent goal scored by the Shoutster, of which every member of the Righteous played a part in, before our bespectacled hero smashed in a low drive to the bottom corner. The only downside, for me anyway, was an injury sustained at some point in the game. It was fine till I left the court, but my knee sieved up, and on doctors advice, I will be unable to play for at least a fortnight. Getting old sucks...

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Jamon, Dr Shotgun, Big JonnyM and Lefty

EURO E- Euro Bri, Two Scoops, Clogs, The Mercenary and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 16

Draws - 1

Bantams 0 Imps 2

Four games, no goals, three defeats, 10 conceded and third from bottom of the league. It is already shaping up to be a long season. Then again, it may be a cunning plan by the management. After strong starts the previous two years that fizzled out at the business end of the campaign, they may be trying some strange form of reverse psychology. But I doubt it very much.

The game itself started much as the previous snooze fest against Vale, but with fifteen minutes of the first half remaining they sprang to life. After a sustained period of pressure, a goal goal seemed inevitable, especially when we were awarded a spot kick. But for some unknown reason, Flynn snatched the ball off regular penalty taker Thorne, refused to give it back, and then hit a shot that was saved. Surely the manager should have left no doubt as to who is the person responsible for taking pens, but it sure didn't look that way. City continued to press, Brandon once again looked the most likely to unpick the Lincoln rearguard, but time and again chances were spurned.

The second half began as the first had ended, City had by far the greater percentage of possession, but still could not take the game by the scruff of the neck. Again half chances went begging, and with the game just over an hour old, disaster struck, as the Imps were awarded a clear cut penalty, which was dispatched with aplomb. With the Bantams current crisis of confidence in front of goal, this was enough cause for concern, never mind a minute later when a strong run through a haphazard City defence resulted in a quick fire second. Game, set and match.

The boys didn't give up, but once we find ourselves in a hole such as this, we seem to lack a manager of changing tack and/or strategy. For nearly 15 minutes he made not a solitary change. We were lacking any forward momentum inn the middle of the park, where we seem to have a couple of defensive midfielders more adept at passing backwards than forwards. The game screamed out for Brandon to play inside, but this didn't happen till he had run himself to a stand still. Why are we playing the most capable target man we have as a left sided midfielder? Hansen puts in a shift, but to me lacks the confidence to take on a man, which is barely surprising when you consider his natural role is centre forward. The Keeper we have on loan does not convey much confidence to the crowd, never mind his back four, as his indecisiveness breeds apprehension throughout the defence. McCall needs to turn this ship round pronto, but I am not convinced he is up to it. I just hope I am wrong.

Kev Watch- A solid outing from our lanky hero. The first 45 minutes were a difficult spell, as the showing on the pitch threatened to induce mass unconsciousness upon the 10,000 plus who were in the stadium, but he battled through, and remained optimistic, even after our spot kick miss. His mood soured, however, once the Imps had taken a two goal lead. He even threatened to leave before the final whistle, but held firm. He soon snapped out of it though, and was good value on the walk to his car. 6/10

Pie Rating- Tonight was a sad night for my taste buds, but probably a very good one for my colon. I am officially on strike from the Bradford City concession stand. The reason? Simple. £3.20 for a bottle of barely cold Carlsberg, served in a plastic bottle. This is a massive jump of 70p from last season, when it was a still monstrously over priced £2.50. It's not enough that I drag my carcass down to Valley Parade every other Saturday to give up my hard earned, watching the quite frankly woeful football that is foisted upon me, but now you want to grab me by my ankles, tip me upside down, and give me a good shake. Hell, for an Aero chocolate bar, they had a flyer up pricing them at £1.80. Well fuck you, my hands will be remaining in my pockets. 0/10

Bantams 0 Vale 0

Sorry about the delay, I had every intention of posting my musings on Sunday, but four pints of Guinness and a big meal make Euro sleepy. Any how, I best get a wriggle on, as tomorrow night we take on the Imps of Lincoln, and doing two reports at once just wouldn't do.

On to the game. The weather started out fine, the sun was shining and it was pleasantly warm. It was very much a new look team from last year. I reckon only Boulding and Thorne were in the starting eleven this time last year. Now we have all seen riveting draws in our time, even ones that finish scoreless. Alas, this was not one of them. It's not that both teams weren't trying. They were, but a duller first half I have yet have to have seen. You could have easily mistaken the game for a pre-season friendly. All through out the crowd, yawns were being stifled. The second half was a slight improvement, at least the Bantams were actually attacking and looking to break the deadlock, which is more than can be said for a Vale side only too happy to eke out a draw. Of the new players on show, Hansen, Williams and Ramsden looked decent enough, as did Flynn in the middle, and Evans looked lively when he came off the bench. But we are missing a sense of purpose and urgency, and for most of the game, imagination. We kept the ball well, but making pretty triangles in the middle of the pitch isn't going to reap many goals. And it has to be reported that Port Vale were shite. I fully expect Lincoln to be a much sterner test.

Kev Watch- Considering the lack of pre-season preparation, a decent display.As ever he stuck manfully to the task of watching the game, although he did take time out to participate in my ruse to steal El Grande Queso's wine gums. He also scores well on the picking up and dropping off front, even though he was spectacularly late. Something which meant I only got to quaff a solitary pre match pint. All in all a solid effort, that bodes well for the rest of the season. 8/10

Pie Rating- The first pie I ate was lovely, Steak and Kidney. It was just the right temperature, and it was complemented nicely, as always, by the mighty Chop Sauce. I was going to upgrade the rating, but the second offering was burnt, something you only discovered when you bit into it. Still on the first effort, a way above average 7.5/10

So-So Start

Well if the Bantams start to the new season has been disappointing, at least 1860's has been mediocre. They got off to a flyer against Koblenz, winning 2-0. Last seasons top scorer, Benni Lauth wasted no time opening his account for the new season, and new signing, American International Kenny Cooper scored on his league debut. Surprisingly, only 25,800 showed up for the season opener. They must have all been still hogging the sun loungers in Benidorm. Anyway, their winning streak was cut short at one, after they lost this weekend away to Hansa Rostock, 2-1. Big Benni Lauth was on the score sheet again. And here is our goal scoring hero sporting this season uber camp home kit. Next up, Karlseruhr at home...

All Most Forgot...

I was unable to play last week, so I totally forgot to report on the outcome of last Wednesday's tussle down the "Wood." Maybe part of the reason I forgot, was down to the fact that our excellent 7 game winning streak was brought to an abrupt end. It appears, if word of mouth is anything to go by, that it was a pretty conclusive for the nefarious boy botherer's of the JMF. Two Scoops, and his progeny One Scoop, decided to take on MoFo single handily, but with the senior Scoop wearing a pair of clogs, the Righteous were undone. Keeps it interesting I suppose. But can they maintain? I doubt it...

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Jamon, Dr Shotgun, King Dave and Lukelear War

EURO E- Big Phil, Two Scoops, One Scoop, Big JohnnyM and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 14

Euro Elite - 15

Draws - 1

Tesco V Rolling Rock

Tesco Value Brand Lager

Style- Supposedly Lager

ABV- 2%

Price- 88p for a four pack

Brewed at- the Flaming Gates of Hell (Allegedly)


Rolling Rock

Style- Pale Ale

ABV - 4.6%

Price- Various. I reckon you can score a four pack for around £4

Brewed at- Missouri, USA

Overview
I personally cannot believe something as vile as the Tesco brand lager featured above could make it to the final 16, but I reckon the mischievous amongst you block voted just to wind me up. Brewed, allegedly, from freshly squeezed puppy dogs, the alcoholic content ranks somewhere between water and Dandelion and Burdock. Rolling Rock, on the other hand, is a fine Pale Ale style lager, that is most excellent served ice cold on a sweltering hot summers day. Originally brewed in the small Pennsylvania town of Latrobe, before being bought by Anheuser-Busch, who in turn were taken over by In Bev. It is currently up for sale, as In Bev try to shift some of their brands during the economic downturn

Odds
If it came down to quality, taste and true value for money, there would be only one winner, and in a landslide. Only a brown nose Tesco employee, desperate to condemn his soul for eternity would even consider casting his vote in favour of the beer tasting water masquerading as lager. But my hunch is that there are enough mischief makers out there to see it through to the quarter finals.

Football Knights

I was listening to TalkSport this afternoon, and Ian Wright and Adrian Durham were debating what would happen if England won the world cup next summer. One of the questions asked was whether they would all be knighted. All the Ashes winning team of 2005 were given an MBE, and that was for beating just one country. The names were reeled off. Sir Rio Ferdinand, Sir Ashley Cole, Sir Steven Gerrard etc. And lets not forget Michael Owen, who would henceforth be known as Sir Plus to Requirements.

Battle of the Brews...the Last 16

I know it has been a while since the final qualifier, but I have only just recently recovered from a nasty dose of "Bone Idleness." So tonight I have pooled all the beers that are left standing and drew them out of the hat. The first knock-out phase looks like this:

• Tesco Value Lager v Rolling Rock
• Leffe Blonde v Budweiser
• Corona v Becks
• Heineken v Red Stripe
• Becks Vier v Peroni
• Sion Kolsch v Grolsch
• Holsten Pils v Guinness
• Kronenbourg 1664 v DAB

An interesting draw that keeps most of the highest vote getter's apart. Judging by the earlier rounds, Heineken, Grolsch, Corona and Guinness would appear to be the front runners, but the brew that won by the biggest margin was God awful 2% strength Tesco offering. If this wins, I will disband the Bender Squad and take up ballroom dancing. The first tie will be held on Thursday, and sees the King of the Credit Crunchers, the aforementioned Tesco lager, take on the joint winner of the King of the Yankee beers, Rolling Rock. I will try and stick to a weekly "Beer Off," bone idleness not withstanding, till we uncover the brew that will go forward as the "Official Beer of the Bender Squad."

Buffoonery Update

Just a quick update on the race to be clowned "Le Grand Buffoon 2009." Sprocket was unleashed around Poland, with no missus, and surrounded by hard drinking Pollacks. He has been rather coy about what he got up to, but he scores a good four points for waking up covered in his own vomit. Myself, Crespo and the Shoutster are heading out to see him, and will be pumping Plus One for info regarding his antics. The other update regards current leader Tony Helmet. I had almost forgotten this on, from our recent sojourn to Edinburgh. Like most touristy places these days, it has a version of the Chinese Rickshaw as a novel means of transportation. The big fella decided to take advantage of one and hopped in. The guy whose ride he jumped in was unprepared, and the combination of no weight at the front, and Tony's girth in the back saw him flip it over. If the guy had been in the saddle, he would have been catapulted, Wile Coyote style, into the distance. Defiantly worth a four.

1. Helmet 43 points
2. Shouty 27 points
3. Euro Bri 22 points
4. Funky 22 points
5. Mad Ad 21 points
   
6. Lefty 14 points
   
7. Crespo 14 points
8. Sprocket 13 points
   
9. Pembo 4 points
10. Dr Shotgun 2 points
11. G Spot 1 point

Predictions- Better Late than Never

I was hoping to do my annual pre-season football predictions before the season started, (I mean the real season, not the one featuring overpaid foreign ponce's throwing themselves to the ground every two minutes) but a retinal migraine on the first night, and a session in the pub the following afternoon, means I am well late. The retinal migraine (not rectal, smart arses) was weird. The Elster was the one who told me I had one. It's a bit like tripping, but only in one eye, which makes the other hurt like a sun of a bitch. As for the afternoon at the Fleece, I was catching zzzz's in no time once I hit the sofa. Beer, Sun and loads of grub kinda does that to a fella of my age.

Onto the predictions for the season, starting in League Two. I was going to peg Notts County (honest!) even before they trounced my beloved Bantams. They have brass, and in this league it goes a looooong way. I fear the McCall experiment is doomed to end in yet another season of mediocrity. I reckon the best that can be hoped for is the play-offs. Rochdale and Bury will be there or abouts, as will a Baz Conlon inspired Grimsby Town. In League One I always predict Leeds to go up, and they always fail, so I am predicting them to go up as champs. Brentford will put up a good showing, and I reckon Sothampton, even with a ten point deduction, and Charlton will run them close.

In the championship, you have to say West Brom, with the Blades and Boro not far behind. A surprise team always seems to sneak in there and this time I like the look of Derby County. Blackpool and Scunny look most likely to drop down, but am I alone in wondering if the "Toon" might join them? They have a look of Leeds about them if you ask me.

So onto the foreign ponces, and the repetitively dull premier league. Will the "Big Four" be broken? I doubt it. Manchester City look the most likely, but I think they lack the legs, at the moment. I am picking them to win the FA Cup. Going down are Pompey, Bolton and Hull. Bolton may just possibly the most boring team in the whole country, and am I alone in wanting to see that smug twat Phil Brown take a tumble? I think not.

For those of you with a passing interest in my favourite European team, Der Lowen of TSV 1860, there have been a whopping ten new signings, of which six are a total mystery to me. Gabor Kiraly in nets, and an American international are amongst the ten, so I am hoping for a big improvement on last seasons flirting with relegation. Top six for sure, and with a bit of luck, a return to the top tier of German football.

Top all this off with an imminent World Cup, in which England are virtually guaranteed to qualify for, and the next twelve months promises to be a football fiesta. As the season progresses, there will once again be an ongoing match report of the trials and tribulations of the Mighty bantams, and a return of the "Away Days" thread. For those of you yet to enter the annual "Bendership League" dream team, pull your finger out, as time is running out.

BRING ON THE FOOTIE!!

Sprite??

No, 7 Up! Yet another stellar performance by the Righteous, sent the JMF scurrying back to their rent boy infested back alleys. The only thing of real note to mention was how they some how managed to get within a solitary score, after being bombarded into near oblivion from the off. A six goal burst from the off, with no reply, seemed to have the result settled within the first five minutes. The Euro boys ran riot, and as the MoFo crumbled, we even started to believe we could dish out the ultimate indignity. A nil score. It wasn't to be, but the game was always within grasp. Yes, Two Scoops lackadaisical stint in nets gave the butt munchers the sniff of an upset, they even got within a goal, but that hope was soon extinguished as the Mighty Euro boys awoke from their stupor, and put the game beyond doubt. Seven in a row, and with long time JMF talisman Dead Eye still three weeks from returning, things look grim for the cock crazy MoFo.

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Young Gaz, Dr Shotgun, King Dave and Lukelear War

EURO E- Mercenary, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 13

Euro Elite - 15

Draws - 1

One Title Retained, Another up for Grabs

It was touch and go for a spell, I was languishing behind both Helmet and Funky in my bid to retain my "Nap King Cole" title, that I have held since 2006. As we pulled out of Blackburn, I only had about an hour too overtake a seemingly insurmountable lead, but within minutes I pulled off a Nap over, and from there on in it was plain sailing, as the two reprobates were taken to school by the master of disaster, yours truly. Bring your A game next time. I will even let you name a time and a place.

So that is one title that has been settled for the moment, but there is the small matter of the Bendership League, our annual race to be crowned king of football. We use the Sun's version, not my personal choice, but after five years, what the hey, I will facebook and e-mail the pin and password to those who played last year, and those who didn't. Anybody who fancies a go, let me know, and I will get you the details. Machine pipped the previous winner Big John B at the death last season. Get in early to score maximum points, but there is a golden gamble after the season commences, just in case you are away on holiday, or just plum forget. There is no cash prize, just glory at stake, although I will look into getting a trophy of some description, as it gives us an excuse for a presentation evening. Good luck......

Recovery Time

By 'eck that was fun. You can tell which members of the Bender Squad don't get out much. My word, you'd think one or two of 'em had never seen a pint before, the way that they went at it. That means you Mad Adam and Tony Helmet. Throw in a vintage display from the Funky Messiah, and the race for Le Grande Buffoon 2009 was turned on it's head. We got off to an early start Friday morning, but everything was fairly steady. In fact the first points of the day were scored by my good self. I got on our train, and began turfing people out of their seats, waving our reservations around. Boy did I blush, when it was pointed out we were in fact in the wrong carriage. Still this was nothing in comparison to what was witnessed later on our sojourn north of the border. The rest of the night was steady away, most of the lads took themselves off back to the hotel around 23:30, but myself, Lobon, Gregmondo and Funky stayed out till late. Apart from the piano player getting turfed out of a house party by somebody dressed as Andy Pandy, nothing much of note happened. this proved to be the calm before the storm.


The next day saw a few thick heads, but a couple of fellas were on a mission, and were soon joined by a third in Funky, and another in Luke, hence forth known as Jude. Helmet and Mad Ad began their day at 7:30 in the morning, downing lager in the Spiders Web, a pub across the road from our hotel. By the time I caught up with them in the Haymarket, they were clattered. By the time Crespo, Shotgun, JohnnyM and the Geester arrived, they were toast. It is difficult to convey just how drunk these two clowns were, or how Funky proceeded to catch them up, and in some ways surpass them. What follows are edited highlights.

Tony was in his patented "Worlds most obnoxious man" mode, and was haranguing all and sundry, whether he knew them or not. A Welsh group were the first to feel his wrath. I tell you, if they knew how soft he was, he'd have been in trouble. Next he decide to challenge Adam to a dance off, hip hop style. For those of you unfamiliar with with Mister Helmet, he is about as mobile as a fully laden oil tanker, and promptly took out several punters standing by the bar. By this stage, he was in need of somebody else as drunk as himself, so he roped in Mad Ad, by plying him with a drink known as a Monkey Brain. It is Baileys and black current, which doesn't sound to bad, but the combination causes the drink to congeal, so it is akin to swallowing mankey oysters. Of course half way through, he began to gip up what had already gone down, and exited toute suite, to the bathroom. A by now swaying Funky, decided to down what was left, spit back and all. At around this point, the terrible trio fell out.

With the two loudest temporarily side lined, the Messiah stepped into the breach. He ordered some food. When it came he loudly and rather rudely said of the waiter, "Where the salt and pepper?" The canny server looked him in the eye and pointed to the two shakers right next to his plate. "You mean those?" Classic Paul. The food seemed to have knocked our hero side ways briefly, things returned to normality. But it wasn't for long. The skint one's found some money, and the other got a second wind. Three times they were ejected form the Haymarket, always managing to find a side door to get back in, but one nearly came to serious grief. Helemt made some wise crack to wrong fella, who threatened to gouge off his face with a Glass. Luckily Big John and the good Doctor were there to calm the chap down, as Tony made himself scarce. This meant he needed to wind somebody else up, and it just happened to be me. I was enjoying a fine Chinese with Lobon and Geester, when there was a loud knocking on the window. He then decided to come and say hello, but I turned his sorry ass around and showed him the door. I have no doubt that the tom foolery continued unabated, but I can no longer comment, as the rest of us ditched them and headed into town. Don't feel sorry for them. The state they were in would have meant none of us getting into another bar, a fate that nearly befell us the night before. Come back Shouty. All is forgiven.

The next day, most of the lads made their way home with Alfonso, leaving me with Gregmondo, and three fellas who were a shadow of themselves from the previous night. Helmet was by far the worst casualty. I seriously considered ringing for an ambulance. He was grey, with blue lips, sweating and trembling. This was when he wasn't throwing up with the ferocity of a nuclear blast. He didn't drink for the rest of the day, or even smoke. The boy had given himself a hell of a scare, something he was more than ready to admit. You ain't a teenager no more big fella. It will be interesting to see just how long "New" tony lasts. Bet he leaves those sambucas alone for a while.

So that was our Bender around Edinburgh. It's a good town to have one in. The beer is cheap, and it's pretty easy to get around, and contrary to what you hear, they are pretty friendly the English. Apart from maybe Tony. I have printed a link to a gallery , click here to see, although I know there are more photos. Gregmondo has some, so if he can get me them, I will add. That goes for anybody who has any on their phone. See below for a revised Buffoon table. We have a clear leader, and with just three months to go, it will take quite an effort to topple the man at the summit.

1. Helmet 39 points
2. Shouty 27 points
3. Euro Bri 22 points
4. Funky 22 points
5. Mad Ad 21 points
   
6. Lefty 14 points
   
7. Crespo 14 points
8. Sprocket 9 points
   
9. Pembo 4 points
10. Dr Shotgun 2 points
11. G Spot 1 point