Two Scoops too good, as JMF sucumb by eight

The Elite, bolstered by replacements Two Scoops and "Whats it all about" Alfie, ran riot over the sequin wearing, KY Jelly sponsored JMF by a massive EIGHT goals at last nights match down the Wood. A sparkling attacking display by the Elite left the ring splitters of the JMF near tears as they collapsed at the back refusing to mark Two Scoops and young Gaz, leaving Alfie, Euro and JohnnyWest to pick them out at will. It would be nice to praise one of the JMF as putting up some kind of resistance, but they all went down like George Michael in a Californian lavatory. Phil was given the slippery pig treatment by euro on several occasions, King Dave ran around like a psychotic giraffe, I am your father Luke gifting the Elite several easy goals, and it has been reported that Funky showed up, but I never saw him. Which brings us too JMF captain Jamon. I have never seen a man give so much effort in a futile cause, but it just magnified his inadequacies when faced by superior opponents. he will no doubt accuse the righteous Elite of fielding ringers, but I suspect the man currently leading the biggest gaylord voting see's ring everywhere. Yes last night harked back to the days of the Euro Invinicibles, some of the passing and movement reminiscent of the magical Brazilians of Mexico 1970.



EASY! EASY! EASY! EASY!...........YOU SHUT UUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!!

They Drool, They Spit, Their dicks smell of Shit! JMF......JMF.....

Lobon, Shouty to miss weekly match up

The masculine and obviously heterosexual Elite will replace the injured Lobon, and forced to work away Shouty, for this weeks showdown against the KY Jelly sponsored drag queens of the JMF. They are replaced by "Whats it all about" Alfie and Mark Clogs.

Where's the King and Funky?

I have been asked recently "Where's the King and Funky?" After a bit of asking around, it has come to my attention that the JMF have signed a sponsorship deal with their preferred lubricant of choice, and the pair of them have been sent for an advertising shoot. The results are as follows;



It would appear that Funky forget to use it on the ginger guy in specs.

Who is the biggest gaylord on the J.M.F?

Very F%$king Funny

Today after pulling up to my first job, I noticed an evil presence around my van. Upon further investigation I found to my horror that some wanton scoundrel had tied a Tesco bag to my rear bumper!!!!! When I get my hands on the witless cock sucker whose behind this, I am going to tie him to the back of my van! I have a prime suspect as the bag appeared to be covered in KY jelly, and there was a faint smell of greased pig on it.

Tense shootout ends in Righteous victory

A dead eyeless JMF put up a brave fight last night at the Wood but came off second best to the masterful Elite. The Elite also welcomed back Shouty to the fold, but with the JMF missing it's most important member, over confidence seemed to envelope the Elite as Jamon stumbled over what appeared to be a greased pig to open the scoring for the nefarious MoFo. The Elite's response was swift however and after half an hour opened a three goal cushion, as Euro and Jamon took their places in goals. Jamons ineptitude seemed to rub off on European as the wayward turncoat Lefty bagged four to turn the scores round to a one goal lead for the shirt lifter posse. But Jamon once again rode to the Elites rescue, somehow simultaneously launching himself backwards and in the wrong direction to allow a weak mishit to struggle over the line. After untangling himself from the net the game became ill tempered, as one of the greatest upsets of all time loomed, Lobon throwing "a Mick" that registered as a 6 on the Richter scale. Alas for the sphincter sniffing MoFo, man of the match JohnnyWest broke free down the wing to slot home the winner moments before full time.

THEY CRY, THEY LIE, THEY LIKE TO LICK JAPS EYE, JMF....JMF...

Introducing Slippery T Bacon

Hello, Slippery's the name, and dodging Jamon is my game. In fact there's nothing I like more than dowsing myself in his ample supply of KY Jelly and flinging myself up a corridor, giving that legendary buffoon Jamon the slip every time. The picture above shows me practising take off, a vital component of my avoiding Jamon technique. At first I used to go at full tilt to complete the manoeuvre, but have since discovered he only possesses tortoise like reflex's, so these days I like to do a little moon walk whilst giving him the slip. Apparently slow moving footballs also pass between his knees with the same ease. Well I'am off to grease myself up as he should be getting home soon, so I'll leave you with a picture of me about to "Slam on the Jamon" as I like to call my signature move.

JMF cancel Sudan tour

The Jamon MoFo have hastily cancelled their tour of the African nation of Sudan, after reading the following BBC report;

Last Updated: Friday, 24 February 2006, 16:40 GMT



Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

I personally think its a shame as Jamon and his little greased pig would make such a lovely couple.

Weekly wrap up

I have added a new gallery at www.bendersquad.smugmug.com featuring some of our beloved bints. I have the link in the sidebar fixed now, anybody who has any problems getting to it let me know.

Please keep clicking on the adverts at the top of the page. Thanks to all that have, I don't get much for it, but it also raises the blogs profile in googles search engine.

King Dave has begun to threaten Jamons place in the Who is the biggest gaylord on the J.M.F? poll, opening a gap between himself and the third place Funky. Register your vote today!

John the Don strikes again

It has been brought to my attention that bender squad Grande Buffoon 2006 has filled up his works diesel van with unleaded. The man is a definite Blondy. I want to know what his excuse is this time? At least he was on his own this time, so I won't have to reach into my own pocket to subsidise his idiocy.

PUT YOUR GLASSES ON!!!!

My Lampard theory

The evil empire, Tescos, has recently been running a series of adverts featuring Frank Lampard, trying to brainwash the public that by providing sports equipment for schools that they are cuddly company. Now we all know the dastardly JMF pride themselves on the fact they use Tescos for all their shopping needs, and also like to endorse them at every opportunity. Mr. Lampard's also been suffering a dip in form, especially when it comes to shooting. My theory is that JMF's rubbishness and love of Tescos has in some strange gay paranormal phenomena, turned the Chelsea midfielder into a JMFer. Dededededededede...(twilight zone music).

JMF go down by three...then go down on each other

The Righteous Elite overcame the wall and a four goal deficit to vanquish the oh so camp JMF by three goals in the weekly battle of good against evil. This weeks game was subject to an outrageous attempt at provocation by an outburst of shopping at Tescos by primary MoFo Jamon. Rumour has it there was a special on KY jelly and miniature condoms.

The match was nip and tuck for the first quarter, Crespo conjuring up a wonder goal, before the JMF manged to leave each others arses alone to open an unexpected four goal lead, punctuated by some vicious Lobon taunting by Jamon and dastardly fouling by the usually placid dead eye. Just as it appeared that evil would envelope the land, the Elite dug deep to pull themselves level, goals coming from johnnywest, clogs and euro to set up what was assumed to be a tense do or die final five minutes. Then Jamon took up residence between the the sticks, immediately letting in two soft goals, before conceding one between his legs which seemed to take the wind out of the JMF sails, a late dead eye goal being of scant consolation.

The Elite are on a roll, the JMF have been found wanting for three consecutive weeks, soon they will be begging for a change of personnel and the fight against evil will take another turn.

THEY'RE DIM, THEY'RE DUMB, THEY LOVE THE TASTE OF CUM, JMF,... JMF...

YOU SHUT UUUUPPPPPPP!!!!!

GRRRRRRRR...those pesky JMF MoFo's are going to get it!!!!

Witness the extreme provocation those helmet muncher's of the JMF towards the Elite:


Short, fat Americans not welcome


JMF's little seen victory dance

We're gonna ram this insult down their spunk lubricated throats!

What's up?

Nothing much happening since last post, been doing loads of over time. Hoping to upload the bender squad bint gallery on the smugmug pages over the weekend. Have added advertising banner at top of blog, feel free to click on as I get about 5p for every click. The biggest Gayord on the JMF has taken a surprise turn, King/Queen Dave now occupies second place behind long time leader Jamon. If anyone has any ideas for another poll let me know.

Tonight's face off at Nab Wood see's two changes for the MoFo, Lefty takes up a two week residence in place of King Dave, and Alfie fills in for Funky. For the Righteous, a late change see's Clogs fill in for Young Gaz. I predict a goal riot for the European Elite. See you tomorrow with full match analysis and quotes.

"What makes you so sure?"

I am often asked by people who are unfamiliar with the JMF, "What makes you so sure the Jamon MoFo are a bunch a rampant homosexuals?" Well apart from actually meeting them, whence it all becomes quite apparent, I have combed through a backlog of photographs, and present to you all the evidence you will require;





Who is the biggest gaylord on the J.M.F?

Crespo inspired Elite smite JMF 6

Even with six players, the dastardly JMF proved no match for European Bri's heroic five. Although outnumbered, euro's five preceded to dominate proceedings throughout, running out easy eight goal winners. With Young Gaz and Crespo running riot, aided by outstanding displays from Little John, Lobon and Euro, the only noises to be heard from the cock crazed JMF were whimpers of submission to their acknowledged superiors. King Dave is so fearful of future paggerings, he has taken a two week sabbatical to have some 16 year old rent boy lick his wounds. He is to be replaced by Lefty during this time. I am sure the JMF will not miss his goal keeping prowess. No doubt Funky will now be pointing out that the stuffing inflicted on Jamon's band of cottagers was only achieved because of his absence, so next week I would advise him to bring an abacus, for if six MoFo's are routed by 8 goals, imagine how many they will go down by next week! EASY! EASY! EASY! EASY!

What's happened to Jamon?

Has anybody seen Jamon lately? He was last spotted loitering near the gents at the Bankfield Hotel, with what appeared to be a grotesque leer upon his mush. The Elster said he was drunk, but I think some primeval sexual urges were setting in, so I made myself scarce, as legend has it he has a thing for small podgy bald Americans. If you were wandering what kind of look it was;


DON'T LOOK INTO HIS EYES TOO LONG!

Rumour has it he has learned some mystic hypnosis technique! Your starfish could be in imminent danger! If you don't believe me, look at the face of his previous victim in the background!

Holy Mother of Mary!

Looking through the pics of Shouty's wedding, found this scary mother fucker to keep your kids awake at night;



Looks like one dangerous geezer!

Sammy J nails Shouty

Sammy J successfully enslaved brother Shouty on Saturday, although it was worth seeing his panic stricken face when she kept him waiting at the alter for 15 minutes. The reception at the Bankfield Hotel went smoothly, Shouty and Rosie carrying off their speeches with aplomb. Afterwards everybody got merrily drunk, the results can be seen on the bender squad website at;
http://www.bendersquad.smugmug.com /

Here's one of a worse for wear Skidley to give you an idea of what to expect;

Warning! Warning!

Thank you to brother lobon for bringing our attention to the following goverment warning:

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be
>alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
>use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
>
>The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
>bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
>sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go
>home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few
>units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
>
>Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
>will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom
>they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often
>awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night
>before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
>
>At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
>savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,
>the
>female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
>longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men
>are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex
>is
>offered by the predatory females.
>
>Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to
>this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support
>groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
>similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
>"Golf Courses" in the phone book.
>
>For a video to see how beer works click here:
>
> http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf