JMF Stroll to Three Goal Victory

The cock munchers played really weel last night, to overcome what looked a strong Euro team. Crespo was way off the pace, and the Mercenary struggled as well, and everything seemed to fly in for ball sack lickers, in particular King Dave, who left his sand wedge trainers at home for a change. One thing that was noticeable was the lack of arguing. Could it be down to the missing JohnnyM? Who can tell. Back to a one game advantage. I hate those shirt lifters.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Luklear, Funky, Dead Eye and King Dave

EURO E- Crespo, Mercenary, Clogs, Euro Bri and Rocky

2008 Season

• JMF wins -8



• Euro Elite - 9



• Draws - 0

Hooters No More.......

Well the do gooders strike again, as Hooters announce they are to pull out of plans to open a bar/restaurant in Sheffield. Even though a Facebook group saying "Yes to Hooters in Sheffield" had more than 2000 members as opposed to the No groups 400, we are to be deprived of waitresses in hot pants serving wings and beer. What is the matter with these people? Have they ever been into a Hooters?? As for demeaning women, you don't see them making a song and dance about women forced to wear burkha's do you? Yet again the minority of middle class sticky beaks wins out. So next time you are in Sheffield, forget seeing lithe young ladies in figure hugging attire and prepare yourself for this;


Lord have mercy on us all.

Stop The Nonsense!!!

Don't Forget to Vote

Tomorrow is local elections day, and it is the perfect opportunity to let the clowns in Whitehall just how pissed off we are with them. So go out and vote, for anybody, excluding the BNP, and show them how angry you are at the complete mismanagement of this country. If they thought that everybody would vote, and not just the usual 40% who usually show up, they would shit their pants. Hopefully next time we will be able to put forward a candidate or two.

StopThe Nonsense!!

Away Days

We stay at the higher end of stadia this week, as we visit Borussia Park, home of Bourussia Monchengladbach, one of Germany's best supported teams. A brief history of Die Fohlen (the Foals), really starts with their 1970's heyday, when they won three consecutive Bundesliga titles, a couple of UEFA cups, and in 1977 lost to Liverpool in the European cup final. Since the mid eighties however, they have fallen on harder times, and currently reside in the second tier of the German leagues. When we first planned this trip a couple of months ago, we were hoping for a promotion battle at least, and even better a championship decider, but TSV's wretched run of form had meant they were playing just for pride, as Borussia pushed on at the top of the table. Enough background, now on to the day itself. The ground suffers from the modern curse of out of town planning, and with Monchengladbach being a small city, this means a twenty minute bus ride from the centre. The ground itself is smack in the middle of nowhere, and there is nothing near it. No bars, vans nothing. On approach it looks a pre-fabricated mecano structure, but the outside gives way to a stunning interior. There isn't a bad seat in the house, and the ground was near capacity at kick off, and the atmosphere is electric. The locals chant and bounce throughout the game, and the go mental whenever they score. The game was pretty good as well. Bourussia were all over Der Lowen from the off, and after rattling the woodwork, took a deserved lead. But TSV hit them on the break, and after equalising through a deflected shot, went in front just before half time. Bourussia equalised from the spot, former German international Oliver Neuville scoring his second. Both teams had chances after that, and as we got drunker, the crowd got louder, but it ended all square. We then had the trip from Hell on the way back, as all that Kolsch and Alt meant we were in desperate for a piss, and had to walk for ages to find a garage. Then it was a long wait for a bus, before getting lethered in the city centre. A most enjoyable day indeed.

Statistics

• Capacity-54,067 including standing, 46,294 seated
  
• Concessions-Real beer! Alt and Pils, and you can drink in your seats! Remember to take your empty beakers back, you get a Euro off your next drink. No pies, but more Wurst than you could shake a stick at. Top notch
  
• Built-2004
• Did You Know?-Was the largest Bundesliga stadium not chosen for the 2006 World cup, even though it has a higher capacity than several actually chosen to host a game.
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri and the Kolschinater (a.k.a. Shouty)
  
• Rating-Field of Dreams. Great fans, excellent facilities, but stuck out in no-mans land. I would however return.

Wurst for Wear..

Hello, me and the Shoutster are safely returned from our German sojourn. We stayed in Cologne, a city famous for it's massive Gothic cathedral, known simply as the Dom, and is own brand of lager, only brewed locally, called Kolsch. It is a smooth Pilsner style lager, served in small straight glasses of between 0.2 and 0.3 lites. We arrived after a few afternoon beers in Blighty at about nine at night, and having previously visited this fine town, I took the Shoutster off to the Brauhaus Sion, scene of John the Don's infamous sausage question. We skulled a few and polished off half a metre of wurst, and decided to take it easy on the first night, and retired to our hotel for around one in the a.m. Little did I realise at the time but this was to be my latest night. We were up and it on Saturday, straight back on the Kolsh and Wurst, before climbing the Dom, which consists of climbing up 507 steps to the 450 metre plus spire's summit. This was also the last touristy thing we did, as it was off for some refreshing Kolsh. It was a gorgeous day, and after watching the Chelsea/Man United match, found a riverside bar, which proved to be my downfall. I am not sure if it was the sun, or trying to keep with the turbo charged Kolschinater that Shouty had become, but by seven o'clock I was trying to sober up in Starbucks. How the fuck I got back to the hotel I'll never know, but I awoke at midnight in my hotel room, stone cold sober. The same could not be said for the Kolschinater, who had latched onto a group of locals who took him to a bar to sing German drinking songs. After teaching them such English classics as "My garden shed is bigger than this.." and "Should I be City, Should I be Leeds" found himself being awoken by an angel at four in the morning asking if he was OK. He appears to have fallen asleep in the street at around two o'clock in the morning and a passing Samaritan and her boyfriend poured him into a taxi and got him back to the hotel. Of course the next day was Sunday, TSV day, our reason for going, so it was straight to the Sion, for half a metre of sausage, and you guessed it more Kolsch. We continued at a steadier pace than the previous day, having a few in Dusseldorf, before moving onto Monchengladbach. The train ride was slow, but we met a local, who on arrival to us to an off licence, and escorted us to the stadium. Of course this being Germany, they sell real beer at the ground, and you can take it too your seat to watch the game. The Kolschinater was in full flow by now, but his Nemesis was lurking just around the corner. The game was in full flow, an entertaining affair which I will elaborate on more tomorrow when I post Away Days, and it was my turn to get the beers in. We were both wearing TSV shirts, and because there ain't many Lowen fans outside of Munchen, every one assumed we were Bavarian. I was at the bar, and a more stereotypical Bavarian footie fan than you could imagine, started to ramble on at me in German. I pointed out that was English, and he looked bemused for a moment, before tapping the badge on my shirt and growling TSV while pumping his arm, so I followed suit. We were now firm friends (I think), and as I ordered a couple of Pils, he looked horrified, banged the counter and sent them back, telling me in broken english "This kolsch is sweiss, you want alt" and who the devil was I to argue. For those not familiar with the varieties of German beers, this a dark pale ale that packs a devilish punch. After the game it was back on the lash with some Bourussia fans, and more Alt was supped, at a rapidly quicker pace. We said goodbye to our new found buddies, and decided to head to Dortmund, to get tanked up on Union and DAB, both lagers from this town. But the Alt was taking a stranglehold, proving to be Kryptonite to the previously unstoppable Kolschinater, and we both fell in and out of consciousness, until I got the hickups. We finally pulled into Dusseldorf (Shouty thought we were in Dortmund), and headed for the toilets to sort ourselves out. It proved to be the Kolschinater's bed for the next hour our so as he fell asleep on the kaziee, as I set out for Cologne, and my hotel bed. I arrived by God knows what means, having gipped on one train, and managing to change another two times and arrive back at the hotel. Shouty followed me in about half an hour later, having by some magical force landed on the express train. He still nearly cocked up getting back to the hotel, having forgotten the name, but got lucky again with a taxi driver who could make out his drunken ramblings. He tried to rouse me to go back out on the lash, but at the rock and roll time of 11 p.m. we were both tucked up asleep. The next day was a much more sedate day, although the Kolschinater was tricked into drinking two more alts before we made our way back home. Roll on FA Cup final day. Follow this link for full gallery. http://bendersquad.smugmug.com/gallery/4827269_gBgiM#287220157_23jcE

Ou Est Le Dazzler??

Well on the eve our jaunt to watch Der Lowen, The Boy Dazzler has dropped out, due to work commitments, at the eleventh hour. So its me and Shouty taking off for the Fatherland, I have made sure my travel insurance is up to date, as I am not sure my aged old liver can keep up with the turbo amplified Right Honourable. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey is my motto for the weekend. TSV finally broke their winless streak, and with five games left in the season, and nine points clear of relegation, Der Lowen should be safe come the season finale. We are staying in Cologne, but plan on visiting Dortmund (home of the DAB and Union breweries), Monchengladbach for the game and Dusseldorf to end our trip. I will try and find an Internet cafe to post some nonsense, and will return on Tuesday. Prost!

I Don't Believe It!

Not satisfied with throwing our hard earned cash at one talentless ginger bint, the BBC have decided to toss some more of our hard earned down the toilet. News has it that BBc Radio 5 Live have hired the worlds biggest fuckwit, Steve McLaren, to co-comentate on the action during the Euro 2008 championships in Austria/Switzerland. He will no doubt be kept in the finest accommodations. as he gives his invaluable insights on what he would have done better than the national coaches who managed to qualify for the tournament. I can't wait to hear how he would have done it better than Bilic and Hiddink, the two managers that, let's be honest, made him look like a complete and utter buffoon. Either the Beeb are hoping that the idiot makes an even bigger arse of himself, or more likely, he has been hired by some some faceless director who has no idea about football or just how detested this man is. A more humourless or uncharismatic human being I have yet to clap eyes on, but I and the rest of us will have the pleasure of stumping up the brass so this failure can live high on the hog. The sooner the licence fee is scrapped the better as far as I am concerned.

Don't forget to sign for the End Eastenders campaign at; http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/endeastenders/

Away Days

From the miniscule to the Mighty. From Morecambe to one of the most storied franchises in world sport, Real Madrid. The Estadio Santiago Bernabeu, is a truly magnificant venue. It has played host to numerous European cup finals, and the 1982 World Cup Final. Enough about statistics, more on what it is like to visit. Well it more than lives upto the hype. On matchday the surrounding area is full of stalls selling everything Real, and as its in a residential area, ther are actually places to have a beer and get into the spirit of things. No stuck out near a motorway layby, or Tesco carpark. The ground towers above as you get off the metro, and there is plenty of noise prior to the game. Inside the stadium the atmosphere sarted out raucus, but a poor game saw it quiten down, until they scored. The concessions could do with a bit of work, peanuts and non alcoholic beer are the order off the day, but after a weekend on the lash in one of the continents finest party towns, the opportunity to sober up a bit didn't go amiss. The place itself is huge. Unlike a lot of the biggest stadiume I have been in, it has a bit of character, it's not just a massive bowl. The seats we had were spot on, thaks to Ohn the Don's Spanish contact, we were about ten rows back from the action, and we blew kisses to Michael Owen as he warmed up. The Funky Messiah was tempted by the close proximity of the pitch to streak across the immaculate turf, but didn't fancy a night stick stuck up his jacksie, courtesy of the local police. A must see for stadium anoraks.

Statistics

• Capacity-80,400
  
• Concessions-Nuts are the order of the day, plus the odd hot dog. Only serve near beer.
  
• Built-1947
• Did You Know?-Reached maximum capacity in 1953 at 120,000.
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, Tony Helmet, King Dave, El Grande Queso, John the Don, Jamon and Funky Messiah
  
• Rating-Mount Olympus. Outstanding in every way, I have yet to visit a more magnificant stadium.

Tired

Sorry there hasn't been much posting lately, I am hoping to catch up tomorrow. Didn't get from London till late on Sunday and the Liverpool/Chelsea semi final put me to sleep last night. So a belated happy St Georges day, and i will try and catch up tomorrow.

Righteous Prevail by One

The JMF win streak was halted in its its tracks down the Wood lasdt night. What at one stage looked to be a straight forward victory, was made interesting by a late gaylord loal flurry, but as they pushed for an equaliser, time expired. It was an up and down game, two penalty shouts were turned down, which caused a usually mild mannered Dead Eye to thwo a bit of a wobbler. I have to admit I rose to the bait, and after a few words the game resumed. I would love to go into more detail about the game but I am cream crackered, and my bed beckons, suffice to say we were brilliant, and the evil female dodgers cheated like a bunch of heyenas.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Luklear, Funky, Dead Eye and Thommo

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Crespo, Clogs, Euro Bri and Lefty

2008 Season

• JMF wins -7



• Euro Elite - 9



• Draws - 0

The Week in Nonsense

Up first this week, the Health Nazis. As predicted by myself, and numerous other folk, now that they have smokers well and truly under the cosh, they are ready to launch their next attack on the drinker. After weeks of blaming binge drinking for everything from rampant packs of rabid teenagers to poverty, they have now come up with a classic piece of nonsense, passive drinking. The ploy of Passive Smoking worked so well in getting smokers banished form just about every building in the UK, that they figure to use it to do the same for drinkers. What is passive drinking? Good question. Apparently it is all the social damage perpetrated by people who are drunk, form drink drivers, to the workshy 12 year old who is setting fire to passing pedestrians. The solution to "passive drinking?" Why massive duty increases of course. Fuck the responsible 99% of people who go out, get pissed and go home, causing no kind of harm or damage to anybody else. Lets rinse even more cash out of them, and pour it down the toilet that is the benefit scrounging underclass, so they can bang out a few more unwanted kids so they can get a council house upgrade. Let the public houses that have stood for decades, and in some cases centuries, go to the wall, while billion pound, profit turning supermarkets, sell industrial strength meths at a loss, to giro waving pond life. Where will it end? If they used the laws that they already have to hand, instead of trying to pass the blame on to Maggie Thatcher or advertising companies, we probably wouldn't be in this mess anyway.

John Prescott has come out saying he has suffered from bulima for the past 10 years. Is that why he claimed so much money for food on expenses? Had to eat double portions did he? Surprised me anyway. Always thought it was shit coming out of his mouth.

Isn't it great to see those poor old banks getting bailed out of the credit crunch by the Bank of England. Those lovely institutions that charge £20 for letters telling you that you are skint. For cranking up your interest payments, seemingly at a whim, when you are struggling to pay off credit cards. Letting you go ridiculously overdrawn, and then charging you for the privilege. Wouldn't it be dandy to have a business making untold billions, get too greedy, lose all that lovely lucre, and have somebody say "Don't worry, I will loan you a load of other peoples brass, so you don't go out of business." Let's wait and see what kind of bonus they then award themselves for being so incompetent. Looks like we get to foot the bill again.

Lastly, if you an believe it, is this one from Nottinghamshire. Their idea to combat hospital superbugs? Cardboard nurses. Thats right, cardboard nurses. Apparently, as you stroll past, a voice activation unit reminds passerby's to wash their hands. Unbelievable.

Stop the Nonsense!!!

FA Cup Final.. May 17th

The eighth annual FA cup final bender is on the 17th of May this year, and it Shouty who is going to sort out a venue this year, probably in Shipley, although this has not yet been confirmed for definite. If he fails in his quest, it will be back to the Queens, scene of the last four benders. This is of course, unless someone else comes up with an outstandingly brilliant alternative. So keep your diaries clear, the summer starts here.

Hooters!!!!!!!!

Saw some great news the other day, a Hooters is opening just down the M1 in Sheffield. You can bet your boots that when it opens that your truly will be arranging a bender to the Steel City, so those who haven't been able to sample the famous wings and champagne, can do so without leaving the county. But Wait!! A bunch of hairy arm pitted "wimmin", have declared the Hooters chain to be demeaning to women, and are too campaign to to have it shut down and booted out of town. A sample quote from the the local telegraph newspaper, as campaigner Kirsty Bowen bleats, "Hooters reinforces the damaging idea that women are objects for male pleasure. The chain may deny this as much as possible but the very fact that they are called Hooters, a derogatory word for women's breasts speaks for itself. The bar will have a detrimental effect on the area and an increase in anti-social behaviour is the least we can expect from this proposal." Jeez lady, lighten up. Even more laughable are the other protest group who claim it portrays Sheffield in a poor light. Are we talking about the same place??? They have even started an online petition to try and garner support for there killjoy cause. Click here to sign a rival petition, that supports the opening of this harmless bar/restaurant. In the meantime, here is a sample of what these busy bodies are hoping to prevent you seeing.

Bantams 2 Mariners 1, Plus the Season Reviewed

nutmegged three It was just my good self, Crespo and the Ikester this weekend down Valley Parade, and with our TSV trip scheduled for next Saturday, it was my last Bantams game of the Season. We were piss poor the first half, and if Grimsby's dim witted forward hadn't touched a goal bound effort in an offside position, the game would have been all but over at the interval. Instead, with Ike whinging about the cold, it was me who was finished at half time. So thanks to Ikey, I missed yet another Thorne goal, and a rare home victory as well. Crespo reported the mighty Baz nutmegged three people when he made his appearance from the bench, and Colbeck scored at the death. So this would seem the ideal time to review City's 2007/08 campaign.

Player of the Year
Me and Crespo are agreed. Who indeed? Not one player really stood out. A lot of people, for reasons known only to themselves, continue to sing the praises of Joe Colbeck. To me he plays like a four year old, kicking the ball in front of himself, then running after it head down. He has no trickery, movement, first touch, awareness or crossing ability, so the fact he is mentioned often as a prospective player of the year indicates the kind of season we had. Thorne will finish top scorer, and when in the right frame of mind leads the line well, but if he is off his game looks uninterested and fades out of the game. The there is my personal favourite, the Bazmeister himself, Barry Conlon. Like Colbeck he gives plenty of effort, but when his touch fails him he resembles a lame carthorse. Matt Clarke, Whetherall and the loan keeper Loach, all deserve mention, but to pick one out is nigh impossible, so I am awarding player of the year to Lenny, the City Gent.

Game of the Season
Lincoln away was good, as was the return match at VP on Boxing Day, but Rotherham at home was the stand out game. If only they could have kept up displays of this caliber....

Pie of the Season
Didn't get to as many away games as hoped, and the pies at city, although passable, are not worthy of any award. So I am awarding this years gourmet delight to a food item that is not a pie at all. The Lincolnshire Sausage sandwich, Sincil Bank wins hands down. Grilled at point of purchase, stuffed into a bun, and a good ten inches long, it excited as well as tasted great.

Chump of the Season
Paul Evans. The Blue Square Confrence beckons....

So that's it for another year. Me, the Boy, Crespo and Shouty are getting another season ticket for the campaign ahead, and I should imagine we will see Aki and his posse down there as well. With a couple of decent signings, in central midfield in particular, as well as centre half, I think we will improve next year, and hopefully sustain a prolonged tilt at promotion.

Where to Next??

It seems ages since the Oktoberfest, and there are one or two plans in the pipeline, but what shall we do for our next foreign jaunt? For years we have talked about Milan, going to the San Siro and the like, but I am not sure outside the football there would be a whole lot going for this destination. Sources tell me it is expensive, and the night life just ain't that great. It might be as well to do Milan on some sort of tour, taking in other places as well, or staying somewhere else and catching the train into town to watch a game. Genoa is supposed to be much livelier, and is only an hour or so away by train. If we wish to leave this destination for a later time, I would like to suggest Lisbon. It has the choice of two football teams, Sporting and Benfica, is by the sea, is warm and also home to some of the best night life in Europe. Lets not forget Brazil was settled by the Portuguese, and some of that samba style must come from these shores, plus it has some of the top night clubs on the continent. As Gordon Brown continues to wring every last penny out of the population, Scandinavia has become a viable proposition, as UK bar prices continue to rise. There are direct flights to Copenhagen from Leeds/Bradford, and it is also the home of the Carlsberg brewery, which is one of the few big lager brands that still ends it tours with an hour long, fill yer boots, free bar at the end. Lets not forget East Europe. Prague, Tallinn, Budapest and Krakow are all established party towns in their own right. Any other suggestions are more than welcome. Two shindigs that are definite next year are a trip to London to see the Mighty Bantams take on Brentford (Whose stadium is the only one in the country to have a pub at each corner) and Hamburg, to see Der Lowen play the pirates of St Pauli. So many places, so little time.....

How Did That Happen?

Well what can you say? The evil pucker hole lovers, held on to win by a solitary goal to vanquish the righteous elite. This means the scores on the door are down to a one game advantage for the good guys. The game itself, apart from a couple of ill tempered moments was a good contest. The JMF worked their way to a six goal lead, but the dogged Elite persevered and with time ticking down, pulled level. Then Dead Eye fired a couple of quickfire goals, and although I pulled a late goal back, they held onto win. Wankers.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Luklear, Funky, Dead Eye and King Dave

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Mercenary, Young Gaz, Euro Bri and Shouty

2008 Season

• JMF wins -7



• Euro Elite - 8



• Draws - 0

End Eastenders

Now the campaign is underway, I started to wonder just how much of our money the talentless lumps of wood receive. I firstly Googled "Highest paid Eastender" and dug up this article from Metro from about a year ago. I thought MP's were taking the piss. Samantha Janus is to receive £450,000 of our brass over two years, for standing around a square gobbing off. And she isn't even close to the highest paid. The article goes on to say that Corrie stars are paid more, but that doesn't come out of my pocket. I can't find anywhere that will confirm what the two conifers who play Ricckkkaay and Ginge will earn, but a few sites estimate £150,000 each for twelve months. Well I'll tell the BBC what "I want Back" it's my fucking money.

End Eastenders

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/endeastenders/

Away Days

From the mighty to the minuscule. After last weeks visit to the Bavarian capitol of Munich, we crash back to planet earth with a less glamorous location. Once known as "Bradford by the Sea" due to the amount of mill workers who holidayed there, we are off to the faded sea side resort of Morecambe, to Christie Park. I have to confess a soft spot for this place, I remember coming here as a kid, and although the pier has gone, and Frontier Land is a derelict building site, it wasn't the ghost town I imagined it had become. This year was Morecambes inaugural season in the football league, and it was a healthy crowd who showed up for the game against the Mighty Bantams. The atmosphere was good, and the ground itself was close enough to a few pubs, that you could have a beer, and walk onto the stadium, and there were plenty of folk doing just this, which made it feel like you were going to a footie game instead of a B&Q. Of course the ground was basic, it was a non league venue the season before, yet I thought it had a certain charm, and it is always good to be stood on an old terrace again. The game was what you'd expect at this level, lots of honest graft and a little bit of skill, and the home side probably just deserved to win. Afterwards it was back to the pub, plenty of City fans had elected to stay overnight, and there was plenty of mixing with local fans, who were good value. A most enjoyable destination indeed.

Statistics

• Capacity-6,400
  
• Concessions-Plenty of Pies, good range-mediocre quality. No beer!!
  
• Built-1921
• Did You Know?-The Carwash Terrace is named so because there is carwash behind it.(You try and find something more interesting)
  
• Visited By-Euro Bri, The Boy Dazzler, Crespo and Dr Shotgun
  
• Rating-Field of Dreams, the stadium is very much garden shed, but there is is something about the place you can't quite describe. I liked it.

Shouty Dazzler

The Right Honourable is now officially prepared for our German Bender. He has picked himself up a TSV 1860 shirt for our imminent trip to the Fatherland. It is quite apt that his is sporting a Lowenbrau banner. The countdown has officially begun, we are now a mere 10 days away from heading off to the land of lager.


All that's missing is a small moustache.......

Lowen Roar Silenced

Well the Brister curse has struck again. Since myself, Dazzler and Shouty booked our flight to go and see Der Lowen they haven't won. Even worse they have lost four on the bounce, and are now closer to the relegation places than the promotion spots. So mid table mediocrity beckons for TSV 1860, and the game we have tickets for is no longer a top of the table clash, but more than likely a championship procession for Monchengladbach. At least we are in the right country to drown our sorrows. Our faith in the mighty Lowen has not diminished though, and the Right Honourable has set up a British supporters group on Facebook. On the bright side, we should, as long as the dates pan out, be able to go watch TSV play St Pauli in Hamburg next season.

Einmal Lowe, Immer Lowe

Yaarrrggghhh! Good News fer Pirates

Shiver me timbers! This be true! The British Foreign Office has directed the Royal Navy to no longer detain pirates, even though they are sent into some of the most dangerous waters in the world, to ironically help stamp out piracy. They have also been told not to try an capture any buccaneers, as they fear they would claim asylum status, as their "Human Rights" would be infringed if returned to countries such as Somalia, a territory off whose coast piracy is endemic. An official FO quote says “There are issues about human rights and what might happen in these circumstances. The main thing is to ensure any incident is resolved peacefully.” Compare this with our French counterparts. A boat containing 22 of it's citizens was being held to ransom, which the boat owner paid. The French then sent 50 trained commandos to round up the gang and return the money. Since when did the frogs have bigger balls than us? Since this set of limp wristed arse wipes took charge, that's when. There was a time, not to long ago either, when the British Navy was the most feared armed force in the world, and our friends in New Labour have reduced it to to nothing more than a floating joke.

Stop the Nonsense!!!

The Week in Nonsense

Hello again, and welcome to another week of nonsense in the news. First up is Poole Borough Council. They invoked legislation passed to track criminals and terrorists to keep tabs on a family over a two month period. The dastardly deed the council though these people were up to? Fraudulently claiming they lived in a school catchment area. The council admitted using powers under the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA) on six occasions in total. Just goes to show that all these laws being passed for our supposed protection, can, indeed are, being used to spy on the likes of me you. Still think ID cards area good idea? Sticking with politics, the abolishment of the 10p tax bracket has made the lowest earners poorer. The government for the working class strikes again. If they really wanted to rinse the poor they should have levied a 50% tax on track suits, at least they would have made them a bit easier on the eye. Of course they now need extra cash, after a high court judge ruled that failed asylum seekers can no longer be denied NHS treatment, as it breaches every body's favourite law, the Human Rights act. So all the people who have no right to be here, and have never, nor will ever, make any kind of contribution, will now be allowed free health care. Bet they won't have to queue up to find a NHS dentist. Makes you proud to be a tax payer.

Health and safety gone crazy. Prince William completed some kind of military thing this week, and was awarded a medal of description from his dad. But no longer does the proud recipient of such medals have it pinned to his chest. No, in our risk adverse universe it was velcroed to his uniform. Wouldn't want anybody pricking their finger now would we? Someone who could have probably done with a bit of risk assessment was the unfortunate Giuseppina Pasqualino di Marineo, 33, known as Pippa Bacca. In an attempt to show she could put her trust in people, she decided to hitch hike from Milan to Lebanon dressed in a wedding dress. Alas, for our liberal thinking heroine she was found murdered in Turkey.

This week, instead of the usual waste of money spot, I would like to mention a true hero. Dot Reid is a 58 year old Grandmother who lives on Merseyside. Her problem is that Tescos and Everton Football Club want to bulldoze her house to replace the magnificent Goodison Park, with some anti septic all seater stadium, that will share a site with a brand new Tesco supermarket. The houses are to be demolished under a compulsory purchase order, so in retaliation she has applied to tear down Sir Terry Leahy's mansion in Hertfordshire. Give the greedy fucker a taste of his own medicine. Read the article posted on the BBC here.

I Dont Know...I Wasn't There

After last nights hedonistic pursuits, there was no way I was gonna play, so I have no idea how the game played out. Crespo has informed me the evil man lovers of the JMF prevailed by two goals, which if nothing else made me feel important, as I wasn't playing. Man of the match though could only really go to one person. Step forward the heroic Right Honourable, who even though he was out on the lash till stupid o'clock, still played, after King Daves replacement let him down at the last minute. Shouty, we salute you.

2008 Season

• JMF wins -6



• Euro Elite - 8



• Draws - 0

High Rollers

Last night we went out to celebrate El Grande Queso's birthday, and lined up an evening of footie, beer and gambling. Unfortunately his missus got wind of our plans, and pulled a flanker. She booked a table at a romantic restaurant for two, and left the shindig Stevie-less. But days had been booked off, and plans made, so myself, Shouty, the boy and Crespo headed off to watch the Bantams take on Barnet. With nothing to play for, the game was was dire, and at half time we decided to make a break for it. Even the die hard Crespo agreed to come along, and we ended up in Booths (the old Yates), to watch the second half of Liverpool versus Arsenal. We were kept amused by a gaggle of pissed up woman in their forties, one kept shouting "Paul" at the top of her voice. On further investigation we discovered she was in fact slurring the word "Pool", as some kind of support for the reds. She also took a shine to the Boy Dazzler, telling him what lovely eyes he had. After the game, Crespo also made a break for home, claiming he had his car with him, and he didn't want to feel rough at work. Shouty put him under an immense amount of pressure to stay out, but he was having non of it. So we were now down to three, and in Lloyds bar, after sinking a few Leffe's, a slurring Dazzler also cried off leaving me and the Shoutster. Off to the Casino we went regardless, and after a few pints and a Swiss and Mushroom burger we hit the tables. I started out playing BlackJack, which was a bit stupid, because I was sitting at a Brag table. I wondered why I got dealt three cards face down. This proved to be a lucky break though, after a quick explanation from the croupier, I quickly built up a winning stash of around £150. For some reason I got fed up with winning, and hit the BalckJack table proper, but still managed to leave the place about £40 to the good. It was now six o'clock, and after walking round a nearby fat rendering plant, which stunk real bad, we found a greasy spoon that was open. We finished a full greasy breakfast, but with it only being quarter past seven, we were faced with the prospect of milling around for a couple of hours until Whetherspoons opened. Stevie Boy checked up on us, and thanked us for having a great birthday for him, but even he couldn't think of a pub open at this time, so we headed for home. In the taxi Shouty fell asleep almost immediately, I stuck a tenner to him, and gave the driver directions to his house and sent him on his way. An excellent evening indeed.

End Eastenders

Well I kept threating to do it, so here it is http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/endeastenders
I have already e-mailed most of you this link already, but I forgot to ask you all to pass it on. Together we can stop this garbage being funded out of our own pockets.

Away Days

A few of us are on a full blown bender tomorrow, and Wednesday if the old liver holds up, so a day earlier than planned is this weeks look at a stadium, myself and various members of the Squad have visited. This week it is the turn of one of my favourite teams, in possibly my favourite town. We are of course in the capital of Bavaria, Munich. The team in question is not the over blown corporate Goliath Bayern, but the more down to earth TSV 1860. Not that it makes much difference, as they both call the Allianz Arena home. Occasionally referred to as the "Schlauchboot" (inflatable boat), it was built to replace the Olympic stadium they both played, and also for the 2006 World Cup. It has what looks like a giant tyre surrounding it, that can be illuminated either blue or red, depending on which team is playing at home. There are no obstructed seat in the building, and refreshingly, in comparison to the rest of European grounds, you can purchase a beer and take it to your seat whilst the game is being played. Very civilised indeed. The bar and food stands operate a credit card system, which is a bit of a pain in the arse, but I fear it may be the future, as Wembley are already adopting plans to introduce a similar system. The fans at the TSV game we were at were plenty friendly, and added plenty of noise and colour, particularly in the standing areas. All in all a wondrous architectural feat. Now for the downside. The stadium is a long way out of town. From the main station, it was at least a thirty minute journey by train, and on arrival there is bugger all there. The tickets came in at just over twenty euros, very reasonable, but apart from a small caravan selling beer there was nothing around the stadium at all. These out of town stadia may make a load of sense on the planning board, and financially be more viable, but to me they are a mistake, something that has been realized in the USA. During the 60's and 70's there was a big rush to move stadiums out into the suburbs, but now just about every new stadium built in America is downtown, usually as the centre piece of urban renewal. It definitely adds to the game day experience, unlike being shuttled out to some wasteland, next to a motorway, or in the backlot of some supermarket. It is a fine arena, as I pointed out earlier, but the lack of anything nearby means it doesn't qualify, in my mind at least, as one of the very best.

Statistics

• Capacity-69,901, seating and standing, 66,000 seating only
  
• Concessions-Real Beer! No pies but plenty of Wurst...When in Germany....
  
• Built-2005
• Did You Know?-Home to Europe's largest parking structure and it only costs 50 euros to light the outer rim for an hour
• Visited By-Euro Bri, Funky, Crespo, King Dave, The Boy Dazzler and Dangerous Pete
  
• Rating-Coliseum, dreary surrounding prevent highest rating

Stop The Nonsense Forum

I can now announce the first steps in our struggle to halt the march of unnecessary bureaucracy that has come to blight our lives. It is still at its fledgling stage, and we need to remember that Rome was not built in a day. So to get things up and running, and provide a site where Nonsense can be reported on a daily basis, the G-Spot has put together a forum for us to vent our spleens, and toss around ideas. We expect a few glitches, nothing on the terminal 5 level mind, so if anybody has any problems registering or posting, let me know via this blog, or if you have it, my phone number. Pleas follow either of these links;

http://forum.stopthenonsense.org.uk

http://stopthenonsense.org.uk/forum

They are one and the same, and a direct link can be found in the Links section to the left. Pass it round, tell your friends. We start the fight back here.

ENOUGH!!!!! End Eastenders!!

Why does the BBC think everyone gives a shit about Eastenders? Doesn't the fact they have lost viewers in their droves, indicate to them that we have had enough of these over loud tiresome "cockerney" gangster waanbee's? Obviously not, judging by the amount of times I have been bombarded with some ginger bint, and her chavtastic brood murdering the Jackson 5's "I want you back." As if the buses driving around with the banner "RRRRRickkkaaaaayyy!!!" on them weren't bad enough, they are running this god awful advert seemingly at will. I bet if you switch on BBC 3, it is run on a continual loop, interspersed by the seemingly never ending Packet of Crisps thing. I am considering hiring a Human Rights lawyer, this is nothing short of torture.

The Week in Nonsense

Hello again, time to report on yet another week of nonsense. First up this week is the release, under the freedom of information act, of some of the stuff our elected Members of Parliament see fit not to pay for. Step forward the Sultan of Nonsense, the man responsible for unleashing the current tidal wave of seemingly endless bureaucracy Tony Blair. Although his salary is more than double of what I take home, and his missus is a top barrister who probably takes home at least ten times what my wife does, he saw fit to put his TV licence through his expenses, which means in the end we all got to pay for it. His buddy, possibly the most ridiculous fella ever to grace the political stage, claimed £4,000 from the public purse on grub. The next time I am doing my shopping in Morrisons, I might just hang round the tills and ask everybody going past me to contribute to my food shopping. Wonder how much I will get? Of course this breaches no rules, apparently our MP's are allowed to claim up to £400 a month. The Labour party are not alone either, the highest claim, for property repairs, mortgage interest payments and the such, was ( in the years 2004/05) Michael Howard, just over twenty grand, closely followed by John Prescott. The rest of the greedy MoFo's weren't that far behind, ranging from Gordon Brown's £14,000+, to some guy called Jonathan Sayeed, who racked up £18,618 during the same period. Even after the release of this information, Ann Cryer, MP for Keighley, tried to claim it was all some kind of media witch hunt, and politicians were "all being tarred with the same brush". If the boot fits sweetheart...

Next up is the new immigration laws, in particular the "citizenship test" that was introduced in 2005, that means applicants from outside the EU have to show an understanding of British culture and an ability to speak and understand a reasonable amount of English. But the usually inept BBC has uncovered a scam, where applicants can stump up a fee and get someone else to sit it for them. They can get around £700 a pop apparently. Yet another ill conceived piece of legislation. Then there is the Scottish inmate suing the Government for £50,000 cause he had to dump in a bucket. Not only that, but he has been granted leagl aid. He seems to believe it infringes on his human rights, readily forgetting about the rights of the people he saw fit to burgle. Step forward, Rose Gibb, the former chief executive of Maidstone and Tunbridge Wells NHS, were 90 people died of contacted super bugs, and it was a contributory factor in the demise of a further 124. Read the findings of the report from October last year here. It appears she doesn't think a £75,000 pay off is ample, and is now going to the courts to secure a healthier payout for her ineptitude. Finally this week, the Olympic torch. Who really gives a fuck. It was a Nazi invention, and has about as much to do with ancient Greece as a Rubiks cube.

The weeks biggest waste of money this week, is the £3,000,000 plus wasted on the Princess Di inquiry. All that money spent spent to come to the conclusions, that not wearing a seat belt in a speeding car driven by someone popped up, can cause death. I could have told them that for a fiver.

Lazy Week

Sorry about the lack of postings this week, been a bit lazy. I am hoping to have some good news concerning the STN, big thanks to G-Spot, who has made some great progress with our fledgling plans for world domination. I will do the week in nonsense tomorrow, maybe even the away days thread, as Tuesday night we have a bit of a bender lined up, probably the last one prior to our Germany jaunt at the back end of the month. Just a quick thought as I am writing this. Does anyone actually text these dodgy flirt lines that seem to be advertised every other minute once it gets past twelve? And couldn't they find some less skanky looking birds than the ones most of them use in said ad's?

Bantams 1 Shrimps 0

A dreary game for a dreary day. Two teams settling into a mid table finish were never going to provide first rate entertainment, but to be fair, I have seen worse games down the Valley this season. Most of the talk before the game was centered around Morecambes winger, Thompson, a City target during the January transfer window, but he was injured early on and substituted. A win is a win though, so we went into town to celebrate. We were surprisingly joined by the Boy Dazzler, who was supposed to be in Scotland, and Mr Whiteside, who had both been on the razz, and Tony Helmet managed to break free from work to join us for a few shereberts. Simon and Shouty were in fine fettle, spouting pearls of nonsense at will, a prime example being the Right Honourable assertion that Keighley was the largest town in the United Kingdom. As myself, Tony and Crespo proceeded to shoot down this ludicrous claim, Simon decided to weigh in with one of the greatest pieces of blurt out nonsense that I have heard since the halcyon days of the Ginga Ninja. According to Mr Whiteside on a clear day you can see Lincoln cathedral from Queensbury. Me and Crespo figure this famous landmark to be around 70/80 miles away, but Simon was having none of it and said as the crow flies that it was no more than 40. So the next time any of you are passing through Queensbury can you report any sightings of said cathedral, or if its a really clear day, Big Ben or the Sydney Opera House. It was then off to Crespo's grans 70th birthday shindig (rock and roll), were I left my beer guzzling companions as I was playing in a footie tournament the next day. I know Shouty was off out for his brothers birthday, and that when Simons out the boy usually does a threwer, so if you see any idiots in the gutter, say hi from me. On to Tuesday, whence the casino beckons....

Baz Watch;

Played the full ninety minutes, and was one of the better performances of the afternoon. Rose salmon like to cannon a header of the crossbar in the first half, and slipped through a sublime pass to Rhodes, who failed to beat the keeper when one on one. Was involved in Citys goal, his saved shot put away by Eddie Johnson. Got booked for gobbing off to the ref, we think, although it might have been for faking. Sporting a few days growth on his chin, which caused Crespo to burst into a chant of "Looks like Bri, Looks like Bri", that thankfully was not taken up by anyone else.

Righteous Halt JMF Streak

dribble, finished with a wicked cross shot, the second a After losing two on the bounce, the gaylord MoFo were given a pasting last night. With both team line ups featuring no substitutes, it was pure evil versus the righteous good, and it was an easy six goal victory for the team representing good. It was not without a few scares, the knob jockeys took an early lead, and held on till the half hour mark, but once the advantage was wrestled from them the result was never in doubt. For a change it was a well tempered affair, apart from Funky who even though he is now in his late thirties still can't count. Special mention goes pout to the Shoutster, who put his previous poor displays behind him and scored two scorchers. The first was a mazybeautiful finish of a superb passing break by the mighty Euro boys. After last weeks misfiring, it was good toe see myself, mercenary and Young Gaz amongst the goals, even though Gaz missed a penalty. I love wooping those gay cock suckers.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Luklear, Funky, Dead Eye and King Dave

EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Mercenary, Young Gaz, Euro Bri and Shouty

2008 Season

• JMF wins -5



• Euro Elite - 8



• Draws - 0

Away Days

Since I put McOdyssey on a temporary sabbatical, as I search the seven seas for more photo ops, I have been struggling to think up a new thread to occupy Tuesdays. The "I Miss" series was short lived, as it turned out I didn't miss as much about the old days as I thought, and it died on it's arse. So I have come up with "Away Days", in which I will spout forth on the various sporting stadia across the globe that I have had the fortune to visit, and give an unbiased verdict on whether they rate as;

• Mount Olympus-Worthy of the Gods themselves
  
• Coliseum-A venue fit for legends
• Field of Dreams-Good but not great
  
• Park Pitch-Below Average
• Garden Shed-Fit for grazing cattle

Now that the ratings are explained, I have decided to start at a surprising venue. Home of Scunthorpe United, Glanford Park. It is a pokey little hole situated on a retail park on the outskirts of town. The only place to get a pint is a god awful Tom Cobleigh style family pub, that fills up quick. Forget about grabbing a couple of beers in town prior to kick off, as over zealous coppers force you straight from the train on to double deck buses that have been in service from sometime around 1976. The horror continues once inside the ground, as we found to our amazment that not only did they not serve beer to away fans, but there were no pies either, a cardinal sin in my book. The views are OK, but the atmosphere is timid to say the least. The local fans seem friendly enough, more than can be said of the local plod, who seemed to think the Boy Dazzler was some undercover hooligan, and tried to force him back on the bus into town. Quick thinking by Crespo saw us escape the rounding up of other City fans, and we headed into the town centre in search of beer. Alas, this proved to be as bland as the ground itself, and the train home couldn't arrive fast enough. I would consider visiting this ground again, if forced at gun point.



Statistics

• Capacity-9,183, 83rd largest in English Football
• Concessions-No Beer, No Pies, No Idea
• Built-1988
• Did You Know?- Was the first new football ground to be built after the end of World War Two
• Visited By-Shouty, Euro Bri, Crespo, The Boy Dazzler and Meatball II
  
• Rating-Garden Shed, possibly the dullest stadium the world.