Killer Keisters

Still no life in the ole desk top, so yet again, it is a brief, but bountiful edition of Killer Keisters. This weeks edition is thanks to this site, http://callipygian.tumblr.com/. I aim to start pestering Geevers some time this week, but in the mean time, enjoy.

Fried Dolphin and Calamari

A change in personnel on both sides this week, left the JMF with a definite marine feel, as Big Phil the Octopus squirted himself with ink, and ended up playing in a red shirt. This meant the Right Honourable Shouty once again turned out for the Righteous, although he must have been closee to his old man when he inked up, as he showed up sporting these Bobby Dazzlers.

The Tasmanian Child Catcher also turned out for the Euro boys, wearing a rather worrying sleeveless t-shirt, that made look more like a cruising rent boy than a footballer. But enough of the fashion, what about the footie? Well it may have been the decidedly dodgy apparel, but I would like to think it was the dynamic passing game of the Euro Elite that decimated the MoFo. After the opening 10 minutes, the boys in white had Blitzed their way to a handsome lead, that although narrowed, was never really put under any serious threat. Of course this brought the dark side of our opponents out, and there was much arguing and skull duggery, befoire they just decided to fall out with each other instead. A handsome victory achieved with some dodgy clothing.

Dolphin and Octopus??

Dolphin and the octopus, swimming in the sea. F-I-S-H-I-N-G. First came a ball then came a shot. Then came Dolphinpuss stuck in a net. To be fair they both put in a shift, albeit on the fringes of legality. Crespo once again felt the full force of the Dolphins flippers of steel, and I was nearly flung clean out of the hall via Big Phils powerful tentacles. But their marine antics were all in vain...

Moment of Match

A hard one to choose. The Tasmanian Child Catcher took one in the balls, which is always funny, and there was his moment of goal keeping madness. Big Phil fired a beauty past Kev, and Shouty's purple boots pummeled one past Dead Eye. Oh what the Hell, I'll give it to the Octopus.

JMF- Dead Eye, Luklear War, Jamon, Woody Wood Boy and Big Phil the Octopus

EURO E- Euro Bri, Child Catcher, Clogs, Shouty and Crespo

2011 Season

JMF wins - 18

Euro Elite - 16


Draws - 5

Top 10....Worst Football Pundits

The 2011/12 season is up running and fully into it's stride now, so I thought it was about time I did a top ten on the worst pundits on the old goggle box. This particular post was inspired by a conversation with the Funky Messiah a few weeks back, concerning the merits of Messers Redknapp and Neville. I have used a complex formula to come to my conclusion. I am using marks out of five over three grades. Those grades are Boring, Wanker and Gibberish. So with no further ado, my findings, in reverse order.

10. Matt Le Tissier

I like the guy. He seems a top fella, but his punditry is pants. Does he really need the money?

Boring 3/5

Wanker 0/5

Gibberish 2/5

9. Martin Keown

Is there a more earnest man on the telly? He states the blindingly obvious in such a po faced manner, that you would think he was talking about the plight of starving refugees in Africa, rather than the shite goal keeping of some over paid ponce at Ewood Park. Dull.

Boring 4/5

Wanker 0/5

Gibberish 1/5

8.Stan Collymore

He could be one of the best. If he would just shut up! Why use one word when 50 will do? His points and observations drone on and on, which is a shame, because in a field where acute observations and a different opinion are anathema, he is a breath of fresh air. But till he cuts down on his verbal diarrhea, he shall remain rooted on this list. And he could do with a sense of humour.

Boring 3/5

Wanker 1/5

Gibberish 3/5

7.Kevin Keegan

What game are you watching Kev? His biggest problem is that he seems to be watching a totally different game to everybody else. Who can forget the "There's only one team in this now, and it's not Romania!" Just before a Romanian slotted in the winner against England. And the time he accused an American player of acting when a Brazilian had actually broken his jaw? Still, his gibberish is rarely boring, but the way he quit the England job, means he will always carry a touch of the wanker about him.

Boring 1/5

Wanker 1/5

Gibberish 5/5

6.Dean Windass

You would actually never guess that he is English, judging him solely on the odd language he seems to speak. His appearances on Soccer Saturday are legendary, as he struggles to construct a coherent sentence whilst totally missing all of the action unfolding around him. He is the only pundit who has to be told the score of the game he is reporting on. Without a shadow of doubt the worst pundit in the history of punditry, but only if you consider that punditry is all about reporting facts. If you think it is all about entertaining an audience with an a totally abstract view of whats not happening, then the man is nothing short of some autistic genius. Still, my formula doesn't lie, and he actually broke one of my measuring grades.

Boring 0/5

Wanker 0/5

Gibberish 8/5

5.Andy Gray

I know he isn't on the boob tube any more, but he is still a kind of pundit, as he airs his nonsense on radio station TalkSport. Now I am not going to pass judgement on the female assistant referee incident. If he is the only pundit who holds those views, then I am a dutch uncle. No, we shall focus solely on his punditry. Does he now what he is talking about? He actually does make some good points, and they are often his own. No Big Andy's problem is Big Andy. Not only is he as dull as dish water, but he comes across as a pompous self important wanker. The kind of fella who laughs at his own seriously unfunny jokes. You know the type, he's probably your boss.

Boring 4/5

Wanker 4/5

Gibberish 1/5

4.Alan Shearer

Mary Poppins biggest crimes are his chronic dullness and the total lack of an original thought between his ears. Combine this with his stilted delivery, and the fact that he often shares the sofa with Alan Hansen (who makes him look a complete fool) and you could make a strong argument for him being the worst of this collective. I would have had him at the top, but the one saving grace he has in locker is his complete and utter blandness. Unlike the blokes listed ahead of him, he elicits no feelings of blind loathing. He is the perfect point to take that piss break, make a brew or grab a pint. He is in fact, the bbc's answer to the commercial break.

Boring 5/5

Wanker 1/5

Gibberish 5/5

3.Gary Neville

Choosing the chaps at two and three was a tough one, and probably comes down to which team you hate more, Liverpool or Manchester United. I am no lover of United, but I loath Liverpool, so Mr Neville takes the third slot. His biggest problem is that he is Gary Neville. Smug, self satisfied and successful, he is the archetypal wanker. And to compound it all, he actually seems to relish the role. This means that no matter how concise and insightful he is, you can not get past the fact that he is Gary Neville. The wanker. And the dull drone of a voice. What were Sky thinking.

Boring 5/5

Wanker 5/5

Gibberish 3/5

2.Jamie Redknapp

Just what is the point of this geezer? Sure he looks nice in a suit and has a nice hair cut, but his punditry is pure and utter tosh. And what exactly qualifies him for this role? A pretty mediocre football career was beautifully illustrated during a champions league half time last season. The cmera came to Souness, who was captioned as a three time European cup winner. Next was Ruud Guillett, captioned as two time European cup winner, and ex world footballer of the year. Our Jamie's caption? Played for Liverpool. Now I shall grant you the fact that he doesn't come across as much of a wanker, as his new best mate Gary, but he is still the twat in the Thomas Cook adverts. A fucking muppet.

Boring 5/5

Wanker 3/5

Gibberish 5/5

1. Robbie Savage.

This man can be summed up in one word. Cunt. Now I know the idea of media folk hiring toss pots like Mr Savage, is to generate calls into their poxy phone ins, but come on. This joker is useless on every level. An average career, that seemed to be earned on an ability to run round kicking folk, for such huge clubs as Leicester, Derby, Birmingham and Wales hardly qualifies him to pass judgement on players and teams in the higher echelons of the game. now this is not a prerequisite if you are a well versed student of the game, but he seems to only be a well versed student of Robbie Savage. And he can't get enough of it either. He would live his whole life on the box if he could. I could go on all night long here, but I am sure I have no need to, as I am pretty sure all of you are of the same opinion.

Boring 5/5

Wanker 5/5

Gibberish 5/5

Bender Alert

Crikey, it's nearly time for the annual unveiling of Le Grand Buffoon, and there has nary been a Bender worthy of the name since I don't know when. So, in a last effort to shake up the current standings, I am sorting out a much needed get together. Plan is meet in Spoons at Leeds train station, go for several Steins at the Beerkeller, and then see where the mood takes us. Going to try and get the Boy Dazzler out, and El Grande Queso is also penciled in. If somebody can get Sandro out, it would be good.

PS

Le maillot Jaune looks to be a straight fight between Dessi and Queso at the moment.

Baz Back on the Scrapheap

The Belgian adventure is at an end for the well traveled Super Barry Conlon. And a rather short one it was, lasting only seven games. He did score mind, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it was probably a penalty. So back to the Job Centre for our well traveled cart horse. Wonder where he will be pitching his caravan next?

Killer Keisters

Yet another week without my PC, which is as dead as a dodo now. My main man Geevers is aware, and when he gets a chance will be sorting it out. Of course that could be a while, as he is in the midst of getting his fledgling business off the ground. So for this weeks collection of pert posteriors, ample arses and Gratuitous Ass Shots, I have had to plagarise from somebody elses site, also dedicated to the fairer sex. The address is http://papuas.tumblr.com/, and is very much recommended by myself. So fingers crossed that I can get my machine repaired soon, and begin to collect my own "Spank Bank" of Killer Keisters.

Flipperless MoFo Sunk

A late mix up between myself and Dave the Dolphin was rectified at the last moment, as Crespo coerced a Wood employee into action, making sure the game was a valid one. And just as well for the Righteous, who took the victory, reducing the JMF lead to a mere three games in the process. An excellent start by the boys in white resulted in a healthy five goal advantage, but credit where it's due, the lady dodgers persevered, and managed to keep themselves in the hunt, finally sucumbing by three at the bell. The main surprise was the goal haul by Jamon, Queen of the MoFo, which compensated for a strangely out of sorts Dead Eye, who appeared to have put his trainers on the wrong feet. Also surprisingly lethal in front of goal, was a returning Shouty, filling in for the absent Octopus. All in all, a good game.

Dolphin v Octopus

A marine free game this week, as Flipper was dodging Tuna nets and the 'pus was blowing ink in his caravan.

Moment of Match

There weren't to many comedy moments this week, as you would expect with the Octopus absent, although Shouty showing up in odd trainers was pretty funny. Instead this weeks winner is a moment of sublime skill, mixed with a touch of luck, and a healthy dose of shit goal keeping. Lucklear War played himself a one two with the wall, opening enough space to execute a back heel across a stumbling Crespo into the far corner. It was an outrageous piece of skill, that was only slightly tainted by Kev's baby giraffe learning to walk impression between the sticks.

JMF- Dead Eye, Luklear War, Jamon, Woody Wood Boy and The Mercanary

EURO E- Euro Bri, Rapid Joe, Clogs, Shouty and Crespo

2011 Season

JMF wins - 18

Euro Elite - 15


Draws - 5

Killer Keisters

I haven't been feeling the greatest, so there is no commentary on this weeks killer keisters. And by way of apology for my tardiness, please enjoy some extra cheeks this week. Enjoy.

Under Par and Over Whelmed

Nearly forgot to update the Wood scores, and with good reason. We got stuffed. Crespo was injured, Shotgun was in a bad mood and the Octopus was more like calamari. Booooooo!

Dolphin v Octopus

The Big Flipper poned the the 'puss all night long

JMF- Salty, Luklear War, Jamon, King Dave and The Mercanary

EURO E- Euro Bri, Shotgun, The Octopus, Child Catcher and Crespo

2011 Season

JMF wins - 18

Euro Elite - 14


Draws - 5

Killer Keisters

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My old desk top is still busted, but I couldn't leave all you arse fans out therewithout your weekly fix, so I have load some keisters up on the Elsters lap top. But mums the word, or it will be my keister on the line.

Just a couple of tasters,before we venture to the football, the proper kind, for this shot of some cheerleaders, performing a routine that can only really be described as thus... Crikey!!

Not a move you would want to pull if Stan Collymore was warming up... In fact I shall finish with a cheer leader from the U.S. of A. As a Gratuitous Ass Shot, it is fairly tame, but I do love a firm arse in a short skirt...

Ray of Hope?

After three weeks without their talisman, the MoFo were looking pretty confident prior to kick off, that once again they would be ready to return to winning ways. During his absence, his team mates had failed to lengthen their lead, and had in fact seen it shrink. This reversal of fortune had finally seemed to shake Crespo out of his funk (although he may well have finally got his leg over) and we started not shy of confidence our selves. It was all set up to be perhaps the defining game of the season. Could the Righteous continue to make inroads into the JMF lead? Or would the female dodging MoFo return Kevin to his deep depression of the Spring? To be honest there was never any real doubt once the game commenced. The opening exchanges were tight. At the first keeper change it was only 1-0, bet slowly, a gap finally began to emerge between the Righteous and the Nefarious. There was, as ever, a sustained assault upon our lead, but for a change the Euro boys stood firm, and coasted to a comfortable victory. An aberration or a turning point?

Dolphin v Octopus

What's an octopus's favourite food? Dolphin! Big Phil had Flippers number all night, both on the court, and between the pegs. Twas an epic performance from the stout cephlapod, that saw Dave the dolphin resort to some dubious shouldering, in a vain effort to gain the upper tentacle.

Moment of Match

No comedy choice of ball to the knackers or swan dives from Big Phil. This weeks winner is the sublime goal scored by Young Gaz, after some brilliant one touch football that featured a contribution from every member of the Righteous. Sublime.

JMF- Dead Eye, Luklear War, Jamon, King Dave and The Mercanary

EURO E- Euro Bri, Clogs, The Octopus, Young Gaz and Crespo

2011 Season

JMF wins - 17

Euro Elite - 14


Draws - 5