McNormal Service Resumed

Yyyarrrgghhh, ye pilchard sniffin' pot boilers, it be back to McNormal, as none of ye could be planting me position. I be slurpin McShakes in McToledo, McOhio, yer clue be that be an first mste McIke, be sportin' the McMerchadise of thar local baseball team, the McMudhens. This week I be McFillin me car as well as me mouth, before speeding off into the McSunset. Of course this be meanin, but one thing, thar be two McDoubloons fer any of ye masquidbators can figure;

Where be McEuroooooo???

Ms Smith Strikes Again

Our Jaqui, the Home Secretary, just can't keep her name out of the papers at the moment. It is bad enough that she seems able to conjure up the most crackpot ideas at a whim (see earlier post), and announce with little or no evidence that we are in immanent peril from mad mullahs and ID thieving criminal networks. Oh no. And there is not just the second home allowance of over £60,000, even though should could stay rent free in a grace and favour home due to her ministerial position. It appears she claimed expenses, paid for by us, so that her husband could watch a couple of "adult" movies. Mr Timney, of course Ms Smith kept her own name, very New Labour, is also his wife's Parlimenatry aide, a job I would imagine that is also paid for by me and you, Mr and Mrs Tax Payer. Of course once the mistake was revealed the money was paid back immediately. Isn't it grand to know, as the rest of us are forced to tighten our belts, and sacrifice the small pleasures we have, your hard earned brass is going to not only on the upkeep and employ of Jaqui and her family, but we can still chuck in a few quid so her old fella can knock out a swift one. Gob bless 'em.....

Please Take the Time to Sign

I know it's been a boozy night of postings tonight, but I would like to take this opportunity to raise an issue close to all our hearts. We all love pubs, and as you are all well aware, they are starting to disappear at a frightening rate. Supermarkets are selling their beers at a loss, and the all the government thinks to do is keep taxing, a combination that is driving the greatest of British institutions to the wall at an alarming rate. So I would like to ask you take the time and follow this link;

http://www.axethebeertax.com/

Please make the effort to lobby your MP about the hike in taxes that are being proposed. We pay more than enough out as it is, with out being rinsed yet again when we go for a pint. It's about time time these people were reminded who they work for, and who pays their wages. Pas it on to as many like minded folk as you can.

Stop the Nonsense!!

Battle of the Brews; The Cooking Lagers

This weeks qualifying round sees a face off between the "Cooking Lagers." Also known as "Driving Lagers" and "Session Beers," because they lack the potency of other beers, they are also the most ubiquitous ales, and the cheapest. This is not always a bad thing, sometimes it is not conducive to be paralytic by eight p.m., and we are not a bunch of Rockerfeller's who can pay top dollar every round. Just about every pub you walk into will feature at least one of these varieties, and in most case at least two. So without further adieu, the nominations for "Best Cooking Lager" are as follows;

Carling
Formerly known as Carling Black Label, the last two words were apparently dropped to make a an easier call at the bar. This Canadian offering (I was just as surprised), is the UK's best selling brew, which is hardly surprising seeing as you would be hard pressed to find a boozer that didn't sell it. It has an ABV of 4.1, and in Weatherspoons can be bought for less than £2 a pint at certain times of the day. Yet I have to confess that this is far from my favourite choice of lager. It always tastes a bit wishy washy to me, and doesn't have any real knd of bite. Of course, a lot of pubs only carry Carling as their cooking lager, so it can be hard to avoid it at times. I tend to pick Guinness when given this choice. And another thing. What are those little ad things they show on ITV before a film all about?

Carlsberg
Probably the best lager in the world, so the advertising campaign would have you believe. A bold statement indeed. Of course this Copenhagen behemoth is one of the biggest selling beers in the world, and the 4th largest brewer of all ales. It's advertising is al;most as famous as the beer, and the in the world "Probably the best..." tag line has been in use since 1974. It has an ABV of 3.8, a little on the low side, and is usually priced the same as Carling. It has a clean, crisp taste, and is my favourite of the cooking lagers, due it's gentle hangover. There have been many times I have guzzled a gallon, and still functioned reasonably well the next day. Always keep a good fizz going, when bought in pint form. In fact I am off to have one now....

Fosters
G'day mate, this brew found form off the back of a Paul Hogan campaign in the early eighties, and has stuck around since. God knows why, it has little or no taste, has a hangover that truly fucks you up, and is as Australian as Michael Jackson. Yet is continues to be seen in loads of pubs. It is stronger than the other two, at 4.9, and almost qualifies as a premium, but it don't taste like one. If this one trumps the other brands in this section I will eat a wombat. Not even Aussies care for the stuff. And enough of the stupid gimmicks. A scuba can indeed....

Beck Vier
A very recent addition to the cooking lagers, it has gained a foothold quickly, and is gaining popularity to match at least Carlsberg, at least as a draught. It has great pedigree, the Becks brand is well respected, and it was the first of the premium brands to introduce a session variety. It has that crisp Becks taste, and after a skin full, the hangover is manageable. The main catch is the price, it is usually 20p more expensive than it similar strength rivals, and for this reason I only tend to drink it when Carlsberg is unavailable. It does have the coolest glass though, it's head keeper is in the shape of it's famous key logo. The success of it is already being copied, Stella Artois have recently launched a 4% version as well, and I can see other brewers following suit. Not bad if you fancy something different.

So these are your choices to represent the "Cooking Lagers." As usual, the poll can be found to your LEFT (thank you Dr Shotgun), in the top corner. Please register your vote before 21:00 next Thursday, the 2nd of April. Hopefully there will be more voters, but if not, C'est la vie. May the best brew win

Battle of the Brews: The Wife Beaters....Result

Voting was slow, and not many registered their choice, but we do have a winner. So through to the next round, qualifying from the "Wife Beater" group is...............Kronenberg 1664. So farewell to Carlsberg Export and Stella Artois, as the French beater takes the crown. This is our first ale to make it through to the knock out round proper, and is the first on the list of qualifiers.

• Kronenberg 1664
  

A Gift

Some you win, some you lose. Last night we lost, by one goal, but even the most one eyed MoFo knows the writing is on the wall. A combination of arrogance and hubris resulted in our reverse, and although the ledger will record a win for the forces of gay, make no mistake about the way the wind is blowing. A suicidal five minutes, when Dead Eye converted five chances in as many minutes was the difference, and fair play to the JMF , who stuck to their task even though they were outplayed from start to finish. Profligate finishing at the crucial juncture of the game, by myself, Scoops and Clogs undid our dominance. The early exchanges were nip and tuck, but a burst of goals from first Shotgun and Shouty, then Two Scoops had the opposition reeling. Yet we didn't finish them off. A goal burst from yours truly extended the lead, but a slap dash penalty effort seemed to sum up what was to follow. We all had the scent of goals by now, and defending was put on the back burner, which meant our scoring feats at one end, were being matched at the other. Then calamity struck, as we went all Brazilian, and coughed up the softest quartet of scores you are likely to see this side of a nursery school play ground. What was worse, we seemed to find this some how amusing, a mere aside that would be overcome with the minimum amount of effort. And it would have been, if but for the evenings Nemesis, Dead Eye. Not content with dragging his side back into the frame with his goal burst, he now decided to show an until now, unknown talent between the sticks. Time and again he repelled the shots raining down on his goal, and but for this display of feline endeavour, the final result would have been a land slide in our favour. The problem is, can he repeat this feat week in and week out? I doubt it very much, and with the Righteous beginning to find form, it is now only a matter of time before the upstart cock munchers are put firmly in their place.

Line-ups;

JMF- Big Phil, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Dr Shotgun

2009 Season

• JMF wins - 6



• Euro Elite - 4



• Draws - 1

Watch Out! Jaqui is About.....

Unbelievable. The UK governments latest anti terrorist law wants to monitor social networking sites, and keep details of users contacts. It is part of legislation the home office wants to pass, that will entitle them to keep records of every phone call, e-mail and web site that you have visited. This will help them to tackle organised crime and terrorism, so they would have you believe. What utter nonsense. Talk about taking a sledge hammer to crack a walnut. I better delete Osama from my friends list on facebook immediately, and cancel my participation in the Mob Wars game, lest I be mistaken for Tony Soprano. I better change Shouty's bender handle on the bender squad page, "Shouty"Paul does sound a little like a character out of "Goodfellas" after all. Maybe G Spot will be mistaken for an Eastern European sex smuggler, or El Grande Queso a big wig in the Spanish leg of Al Queda. I might even be getting monitored whilst I right this, for such gratuitous use of words associated with crime.

This will no doubt cost tens of billions of pounds to create and run, and by sticking all this info in one easy to get at location, will make the work of the ne'er do wells who want to exploit such details, just that bit easier. Let's be honest, my record of keeping my personal details is much better than Jaqui Smith and her cronies. I have managed not lose mine once, where the record of New Labour is checkered to say the least. But my biggest worry is what will eventually happen to all these records, kept in some faceless building, in some faceless town. Of course they say they have no interest in using it for anything at the moment, but how long will that last? Will they be able to stop themselves from selling it off to some marketing company or similar business? I doubt it. The DVLA have sold off some your private info in the past, and with public coffers emptier than masturbators sac, the temptation, I reckon, will sooner or later prove irresistible. Tyhe sooner we are rid of these wasters the better.

Stop the Nonsense!!!!

How to Beat the Credit Crunch

Been put on short week at work? Had your pay reduced? Waiting to be made redundant? Can't find work? Fear not! Follow these simple steps, and you too could be earning in excess of £20,000 a year. First up, settle yourself down in front of the telly and make sure your telephone is to hand. Next, store all the local take aways phone numbers into your mobile. get rid of any sporting equipment, and toss out any fruit and vegetables that happen to hanging around, replacing with fizzy pop, cakes and crisps. Commence eating. Now I reckon if you remain as sedentary as possible, and manage to squeeze in five full meals a day, filling the time in between with constant snacking, you can double your weight inside a month, hopefully becoming large enough to claim disability for being to fat to do anything.

If you think this is far fetched nonsense, think again, as I introduce you to the grazing herd that is the Chawner family. Mum, Dad and their two daughters weigh in at a combined 83 stones, and apart from the youngest sibling, don't do a days worth of graft. Combined benefits? £22,508 a year. But hang on a minute. According to chief Weeble, Phillip Chawner, this is not enough! I quote from the big fella;

"What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table. It's not our fault we can't work. We deserve more."

You have to the geezer some credit for front. Judging by the combined girth on show I would say there is too much money for grub. So for those of you hard working responsible eaters out there, I give you a new role model. Heaven help us all. Catch the full story here.

I have copied this tale from the Stop the Nonsense!! website.

McBollox!!

Curse ye all to Davy Jones locker!!! That scurvy McPegg a like, and long time McNemisis, thar McMercenary be guessin' rightly. I be Quaffing Quarter pounders in McWaterloo station, McLondon. This be meanin' we be McReturning to one McDoubloon next week. I can't be bringing me McSelf to say much more, so lets see if any of ye can be McGuessin'

Where be McEurooooo???

Bender News

You can tell that Spring is in the air. The weather has begun to warm up, and the sun is starting to shine. It is now only two weeks till a Squad mission to Munich arrives. Hot on the heels of this first piss up of the season, and much closer to home, comes a surprise one that I have instigated only this morning. After speaking to Queso, about an unrelated issue, we discovered an excuse to get a fair old number of the Bender Squad together over the Easter weekend. I had bumped into the King of the Pixies on Saturday, and we agreed it would be cool to get some of the old posse together for a jolly old knees up. It turns out the grand Fromage was also in the midst of organising a shindig for his and the Gsters birthday, the very same weekend. So, come the 11th April we have a plan to gather in Bingley and blow the head off several cold ones. All are welcome, and I will post the details as soon as we get them ironed out.

Whilst we are on the subject of Shindigs, we have a green light for Mad Ad's stag night in July/August. Edinburgh is still the destination, our dates of Friday the 31st till the 2nd of August do not clash with the annual festival, so it is all systems go. Another date to keep in mind, although it is beginning to look more and more unlikely, is the 23rd of May, which is the date for the League Two play off final at Wembley. I can dream..............

Bantams 0 Vale 1

Oh dear. What a time for City to hit the poorest form of the season. This was the fourth loss on the bounce, and the first at home for six months. We had our chances, and Vale set out to defend from the off, but with the players at our disposal we should be able to overcome such poor opponents. Up front Mullins won more headers than Baz, granted, but he is SLOW. His partnership with Boulding never really gelled either, but seeing as he only signed a couple of days ago, this could be forgiven. A better threat was Gillespie on the wing, who played some telling passes, and put in some great crosses, but is also lacking any real pace threat. He managed to get one on one, but couldn't find that extra step to take him clear. But since we lost Daley, where have all his detractors disappeared to, the whole team has lacked penetration. Jones could fill that gap, but has a tendency to over elaborate in possession, whilst Colbeck, on current form, would be lucky too crack the starting eleven of my kids under 10's team. Even Furman looked lacklustre. In defence Clarke continues to cough up the ball in dangerous areas, and Lee has gone to pot. He looks like a player in bad need of a rest. Rehman looks great as a centre half at this level. Shame McCall plays him at right back.

Back to the game, we did have several chances cleared off the line, or saved, but they were rushed shots, or straight at the keeper. The big problem is the way we revert to the big hoof up front. We seem to have no plan B. This is a real problem at the moment, as it looks like the rest of the league have figured us out. Pack the midfield and sit back. And it works. Luckily for us, apart from Brentford, no body else is turning it on. We remain one point outside of the playoff spots, and even third place is not out of the question, but on current form it is looking increasingly unlikely. A win against second from bottom Chester next weekend is an absolute must.

Kev Watch- Good bye Big Baz Conlon, who incidentally scored for Grimsby on his debut (and it wasn't a penalty), and hello Kev. For those of you who are unaware, Kev is my companion to almost every City game, and seeing as there are only a few games left this season, will fill in on the now defunct "Baz Watch." He was rubbish in the first half, all quiet and grumpy, after staying out on the lash till four in the morning. He did however perk up considerably in the second half, and briefly became quite animated, till Port Vale scored any way. He did earn some points for lending me his jacket, but they were subsequently lost, because quite frankly, he stunk like a back street hobo. On the whole a sub par display, and I will be looking for a big improvement for our next game, which will be in Munich. 4/10

Farewell Sweet Bazz.....

From tomorrow, the Bantams match report will be missing a section. There will no longer be a requirement for "Baz Watch," as our erstwhile Irish cab horse has signed a loan deal with Grimsby Town until the end of the season (he just doesn't look right in black and white, see right). As reported earlier in the week, the laddo had been in a spot of bother for getting himself drunk the night before the Exeter game. It would seem this has pissed McCall off more than first thought, and as his contract is only till the end of the season, it appears Barry has been seen for the last time in the Claret and Amber of the Mighty Bantams. Weather he would return for the playoffs, if we make them, I am not sure, but I miss the big oaf already.

Tara Baz..........

Battle of the Brews: The Wife Beaters

This is a new thread, in witch I aim to discover which beer gets the Bender Squad official endorsement of King Beer. The aim is to start with a qualifying round, to find the best beer of it's genre, and then to pit them against the others in an unscientific, pulled out of a hat round robin elimination, culminating in a final tete-a-tete to crowned the ultimate ale.

First up in the qualifiers are a trio of beers, that have one time or anther, been referred to as wife beaters. This moniker was gained when they were first introduced unto an suspecting British public in the earl;y 1980's. The typical draught lager served up in the traditional British pub prior to the wife beater was an unappetising affair. Delights such as Skol, Hoffmeister, Alpine and Harp were all that was on offer, and most of these contained the alcohol content found in a packet of Maynards wine gums. This meant you could power drink insane amounts of ale, and still be reasonably capable of going home in a reasonable state. The unaware lager drinker attacked the powerful WB's (Wife beater's) unaware that the alcohol intake in comparison was double, and went home wankered, argued with the missus and gave her a back hander. Now this site in no way condones violence of any sort, and I would like to point out that much of what has been written in this paragraph is more urban myth than cold fact, but the name stuck, and it is quite amusing to ask for a pint of wife beater. So the nominations for King of the Wife Beaters are as follows;

Kronenberg 1664
The original strong continental style beer. A French lager, it is that country's top selling lager, and boasts that it is the United Kingdoms second best selling premium lager. Premium is a word you will notice associated with all these beers. It is corporate way of saying wife beater. Anyway, it is a crisp tasting brew, and the new cans have a widget in it that make the bubbles smaller, resulting in a smoother taste according to the advert. It weighs in at 5% alcoholic content, and is very enjoyable. It is the only one that doesn't have it's own bastardized version of a verb, and as such is probably not as widely known as the two brews it finds it self up against.

Carlsberg Export
The "Premium" offering from the world famous Danish beer giant that is Carlsberg. It is the Johnny come lately of the trio to these shores, and after a spell of high popularity, has become less easy to find on draft. i blame the health Nazi. Anyway, this one also ways in at 5% ABV, but unlike the previous offering has a more distinct taste, and in my view is not a smooth. Of course the fact that it does have a taste endears it to folk who prefer their brew to have bite. Unlike it's French oppo, this one does have it own verb, as in "Exported." An example would be, "I pissed the bed last night. I was well Exported."

Stella Artois
The tabloids favourite "Premium" lager, and the first to have the wife beater tag attached to it. It also gained prominence as the drink du jour of the lager lout. It's ABV has been cut from 5.2% down to 5%, but it will always carry the cache of evilness, no matter how many clever adverts are screened. It is kind of ironic that this Belgian beer was launched at a more discerning drinker (remember the reassuringly expensive campaign?) only to be appropriated by the Neanderthal Beer Monster. To be fair, it isn't a bad drop, has a nice flavour, and is refreshing, but it will fuck you up. Also known as being "Stellarized"

So those are the choices. If you take a gander up to the top right hand corner, you will spy a box asking for you to enter your vote for the beer that shall progress through to the knock out phase. Of course, there is a small possibility that I have forgotten to ad a worthy nomination to this list, and as ever please feel free to enter your thoughts in the comments section. Dependant on voting, the results will be counted up at this time next week, and I will enter the next batch of qualifiers to stand for public scrutiny. May the best beer win.

Clattered

Sorry about the lack of postings this week, I was ambushed by Saint Patrick's day. An early start in Harden with Helmet and Dangerous, via the Mercenary in Wilsden and the Boy Dazzler in Bradford, meant I was more than just a bit merry. This, in turn led to one of the worst hangovers I have suffered in recent memory. It was a shocker, and I didn't surface till after 6 p.m. It was that bad. I some how, miraculously even, managed to play football, but am now sat at home, aching and dreading having to go to work in the morning. The sofa beckons. I will get up to date tomorrow, and over the weekend, as I am now to skint to go out. Why are Guinness hangovers so bad?

Righteous Rise Continues

After weeks of taking a beating, the Righteous Elite have strung together three victories to pull with in a win of the lady boy JMF. And it was easy. We got off to our usual poor start, shipping two goals before getting off the mark, and found ourselves down by three goals at the first keeper swap. But from there on in it was all one way traffic, as the MoFo challenge stalled. Two Scoops was on deadly form, scoring at will, as myself, Shouty and Mercenary kept the JMF at bay. Clogs and Scoops rattled up a healthy ten goal advantage, and the game was ours. Young Gaz showed some fight, and Shotgun and big JohnnyM toiled the best they could, but to no avail. Bring on next week.

Line-ups;

JMF- Big JohnnyM, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dr Shotgun

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Merecenary

2009 Season

• JMF wins - 5



• Euro Elite - 4



• Draws - 1

McSnookered

Yyarrrggghhhhh, ye shrimp shelling dog botheres, it be yet another McWeek without ye guessin' were me McAnchor be McWeighed. Last week I be McBurnin' me love, in McTuepelo, McMississippi, birthplace of thar most famous of burger McMunchers the McKing 'imself, McElvis. This week I be sailing closer to home, so I want ye to be precise in your McGuess, I be wantin' more than just a McTown, if you wish to be winnin me kell. So can any of ye be figurin'

Where be MMMMMcEurooooooo???

Bad Baz, and the Pussycat Lions

The football seasons in both England and Germany are fast approaching their respective climaxes, and the Bantams and Lowen both fluffed chances to improve their chances of elevation to a higher league.

First up the Bantams, who are in an awful run of defeats away from Valley Parade. The last three performances were poor, but City still managed to hold on to a play off place. Until this weekend. Apparently, I was not willing to take a 700 mile round trip based on recent showings, the game against Exeter was a big improvement, but a fluke cross/shot deflected off the back of Arnistons head and flew into the net over Evans for the only score of the game. According to the match reports I have read we had chances to level the score, and even win, but they were all scorned. At least none of them were missed by Big Baz, but that was down to an unmentioned misdemeanour of the previous night One rumour has him engaging in a bout of fistie cuffs with our big centre half Clarke, who was also dropped on disciplinary grounds, another has them both out on the lash on an evening prior to the game. McCall has said he has dealt with the matter in house, but it will be interesting to see if the burly Irishman is given the start against Bournemouth tomorrow, especially seeing how Peter Thorne is out with a neck injury. If he doesn't get the start, and I think Jones will get the nod over him, it makes you wonder if he has played his last game in the Claret and Amber. Whatever the outcome, I fear we may be heading back up north without any points.

Der Lowen didn't lose, but were held at home to a 1:1 draw against relegation threatened FSV Frankfurt. After a resurgence under their new manager, it was a bit of downer, and leaves them stuck nine points off a promotion place. Next up is SpVgg Greuther Fürth, the team currently occupying third place, away from home. The result of this game will more than likely determine weather or not 1860 can push on and press for a top three finish. Fingers crossed.

1860 München

1 : 1

FSV Frankfurt

What was that all about?

Sorry for the brevity of postings last night, Sunday tends to be a more productive day the others, but I was ambushed by the television. I was thinking up guff to post, when i saw that the movie Departed was on. Two of my all time favourite movies are Martin Scorsese flicks (Raging Bull and the Mighty Goodfellas), and it was about gangsters to boot. It was horrifically long, with ads it was approaching three hours, but I gave it a go anyway. Things started well, it seemed interesting, despite Jaaaaack Nicholsons grade A+ ham acting. It was so-so for the first two thirds, and even though it began to get more and more far fetched, I still wanted to see how it ended, and boy I wish I had given it up and hit the sack. For those of you who haven't seen it, I'll save you the hours it will knock off your life by telling you they all die, improbably, apart from a magnificently miscast Marky Mark Whalberg. What a load of garbage.

Talking of garbage, while I am still in a grumpy mood, what the Hell happened to the Simpsons?? I have cable, so missed out on the last couple of series due to their fall out with Sky. They kissed and made up, at last, and I was looking forward to catching up on the episodes I had missed. Talk about disappointed. This show is so far past it's sell buy date, and is seriously in need of putting out of its, and mine, misery. I have watched funnier broadcasts of Songs of Praise. I can't believe it has been commissioned for a further two series. The fact they keep dragging in Sideshow Bob is, to me anyway, proof of how tired and stale it has become. And don't get me started on the guest voices. I didn't even realise that Dennis Leary was still alive till he cropped up on this programme. Now I know there are worse shows than this, but it is a crying shame to see it fall so far from what it was.

Och Aye the Noo

Mad Ad has made an executive decision, probably the first, and with his upcoming nuptials, definitely his last, concerning his stag night. As you may have gathered by the title of this posting, we are heading North of the Border, to Auld Reekie, Edinburgh. I am rendezvousing with the Mad one and his trusty henchman, Helmet and Funky on Wednesday to iron out dates and plans. Will post when I have more information to hand. With money tight all round at the moment, and the Euro a wallet bursting 1:1 with the pound, it is probably the most sensible of decisions.

Off to the George

I am off to the George. Yay!!!

Away Days

A return for "Away Days" has long been overdue. I have been Shanghaied by both Crespo and Dr Shotgun not posting me the relevant pics and clips. A big thank you to the good Doctor, who has forwarded me what was required, and a big "Ya Boo" too that loafing scoundrel Crespo. Pull your finger out!!

So first up is Gigg Lane, home to both Bury Football Club, currently of League Two, and also FC United of Manchester, formed by irate supporters of Manchester United in protest of the Glazer family takeover. I had been about ten years ago, the season the Bantams were promoted, but was laid low with a hangover, and had only vague recollections. The Shakers have been stalwarts of the lower leagues, and this is reflected in the size of their stadium, a modest affair, located in the middle of a housing estate. Early signs were good, they have a social club attached, and for a small visitors fee of £1, you gain entrance to a fine bar area. It is very much in the fashion of an old school northern working mans club, but the service is efficient, the glasses glass and the prices reasonable. They even have Sky Sports. An excellent start. I had no allusions that this was to be a grand stadia in the style of the Bernabeau, but I love a small ground with a bit of character and charm as much a gigantic bowl, so this wasn't to go against the home of the Shakers. It was still terracing, again a nice chamge to the souless all seaters, but that was pretty much it. The toilets were spectacularly terrible. There was no trough, just a tiled wall, a concrete camphor, and a cut in half pipe running against the wall. Splash back was horrific. The pie stand sold great pies and pasties, but was the size of a broom cupboard, and took forever to get served. But for this level the atmosphere was above average, and I could think of plenty worse places to watch the Beautiful Game.

Statistics

• Capacity-11,000
  
• Concessions- Shame about the size of the Pie Stand, 'cause the pies were of a high standard. NO BEER!!!
  
• Built-1885
  
• Did You Know?- The blue and white seats in the main stand form the word B-U-R-Y. If you can unearth a more interesting fact, be my guest...
  
• Visited By- Euro Bri and Dr Shotgun
  
• Rating-Park Pitch- It has so many things going for it, good pies, the social club and is ion the borough it represents, but it is just lacking something. The lack of fans doesn't help, but with both Manchester clubs a bus ride away it is understandable. Might have made the "Field of Dreams" grade, but the fact that my shoes got covered in piss put paid to that.

Subdued Affair as the Righteous Prevail

For the first time in months the Righteous pulled off back to back victories. This was against an understrength JMF, King Dave and spiritual leader Jamon continue to be absent through injury, and their cause was further hampered by injury to Young Gaz. Of course the JMF would still rub our noses in it if a similar fate had befallen the Mighty Euro boys, and so shall I. We gave them a gentle spanking, Hell they even got to within a goal, bless 'em, but we always retained control and ran out comfortable winners in the end. So another win pulled back in the race to be crowned "Kings of the Wood 2009" and the early early season hubris of the MoFo boys is beginning to wane.

Line-ups;

JMF- Big Phil, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Dr Shotgun

2009 Season

• JMF wins - 5



• Euro Elite - 3



• Draws - 1

To Be Sure.......

Next Tuesday is the 17th of March, St Patrick day. I have no idea how many of us are of Irish descent, my Granddad was half Irish I think (a good enough excuse for me), but it is always a good excuse for abusing the old Guinness. Last year we didn't bother, but it could be fun to shake off all the gloomy news, and get wankered. Hell some us are on the dole now, and don't need to worry about getting up for work the next day! So get the day blagged off, and lets help out the economy by blowing a wedge on having a good time. Kiss me I'm Irish!

Dale 3 Bantams 0

It is officially panic time. This match was to be a barometer of our promotion credentials, and on this showing we will be playing league 2 footie next season. The scoreline was not the main issue, two of their goals were penalties, one was a little harsh, the other, one of the poorest refereeing decisions I have ever seen. More of which later. The way we were out played was what causes the greater concern. The Rochdale team, man for man, is probably not as good as ours, but they had a game plan, and stuck to it. Pacey and able to keep the ball for long periods of time, the first twenty minutes were all Rochdale, but we held strong at the back. Slowly City started to get back into the game, and at the back two mistakes presented Thorne with a couple of half chances, but the 'keeper saved smartly on both occasions. The second half started with a good chance for the Bantams, but from there on in it was all Dale. The first goal was a good header, from a free kick, but the first penalty seemed a bit dubious. Baz was pulled up for hand ball, but he appeared to me to have been shoved, a case of six of one, half a dozen of an other. The second, however was a travesty. Clarke clearly got the ball as tackled Le Fondre in the area, but the ref decided it was a foul, and the contest was over.

So where did it all go wrong? They were hungrier, and as I have said earlier, moved the ball with pace and purpose. Simply put, they played as a team. Our problem, especially on the road, seems to be a total lack of direction, and an all too predictable reliance on the big boot up front. Even the lower lights of the division are wise to our tactics, as both Notts County and Barnet have proved recently. With Daley absent, our main speed threat, our play is very one paced. Law and Furman have been outstanding in the middle, but the lack of movement, Jones excepted, has seen their clever play wasted. Colbeck has been woeful. Last night he spent the majority of the evening chasing his own shadow, running about the pitch like a headless chicken. I am not over exaggerating here, it was like playing with ten men, the lack of input from Joe palpable, and running everywhere as fast as possible cuts no ice in my book. Hopefully the signing of Keith Gillespie for the final ten games will see Joe given the time to find his form in the reserves. We have two away games on the south coast coming, play off rivals Exeter and in from Bournemouth, not the kind of games you would hand pick for a team struggling for form away from home. It's time for some of the lads to stand up and be counted.

Baz Watch- A surprise starter, McCall seems to be unable to leave a winning team alone. He gave a pretty good account of himself, but this doesn't mean he was good. He was responsible for the first pen, and missed his one good chance, but as ever he gave it his all. My question is why he started with Thorne up front. They are too similar in style, and always seem to be chasing the same ball, instead of playing off each other. The Grande Queso made a good point, Baz is better suited to playing in home fixtures, where the whole team seems to play with more confidence, and he is not expected to be the focal point. Substituted on the hour. 5/10

Pie Rating- I had high hopes, and had been looking forward to sampling a Rochdale pie since we fell into this league. Last season I was foiled by the snow, and was determined to make it this year. The reason for my eagerness? A few years ago, a report, rating the fayre served up at the grounds up and down the United Kingdom. Rochdale came third, for it's pies, losing out to a bacon roll and something non pie, so it was the premier pastry in the land. Was I to be disappointed? Had they lost their lustre during the intervening years? Am I a pie obsessive who reqires some form of therapy? The answer, unequivocally is NO! Myself and the Grand Fromage both went for the Steak variety, minus kidney. First good news, they were only £2, a bargain, and by far the cheapest I have come across for several years. I turned to the condiments, and the good news kept coming, they used Chop Sauce. So what about the pie itself? It was just the right temperature. It stuffed to the brim with filling. The gravy was moth wateringly lovely, and the steak chunks plentiful, an undoubted master-pie-ce! Did it score the maximum? Was it Pie-fect? It was damn close, but I have marked it down 0.5 on the pastry. It was good, no worries there, but my personal preference is for it to be a bit flaky, and the casing on these wondrous efforts was a little suety for me to give it the seal of pie-fection.

The Big Cheese said he doesn't do halves, and give it an almighty 9/10

As you may have gathered, my mark is an excellent 9.5/10


A high benchmark has been set. So high, I may have to reassess the previous ratings, as apart from Bury, Bradford's Steak and Kidney and Notts Countys Chicken and Mushroom, these bad boys were a country mile ahead of anything else sampled over the last couple of seasons.

Off to the Dale

No apologies at all for this solitary, and brief, post, as i am off to follow the Bantams down the 'Dale tonight. I am heading over with El Grande Queso, and hooking up with Bakes and the Helmet for a sherbert on arrival. This has been a destination I have been looking froward to visiting, as it is deep into Pie Country, and it's savouries were once voted the finest in the land. Afterwards it is off to the Casino, for much largeness and beer. Will update, hangover permitting, tomorrow.

McSeven be Up

Yarggghhhhn, ye hammer headed buckets of puss, it be yet another McWeek where ye be McStumped. I be McChoking down McRoyale with cheese in McGay McParis, capitol of McFrance fer ye hard of thinking. This means me prize now be McStnading at McSeven squids. Of course ye will have to be figurin' where I be McWeighing McAnchor in search of McBurgers. This week I be McSweletering in the heat, in McSearch of McFlurries to be cooli' me burnin' napper. Can any of ye dunder heeds be figurin';


Where be McEEEuroooo?????

A Bender in the Pipeline

And it is every body's favourite kind off Bender, a Stag Night! Mad Ad has been marked for slavery, and the Funky Messiah (??????????) has been charged with organizing a shindig worthy of a mans last night of freedom. The question is, "Where?" We are now a well oiled Bender Unit, who have caroused, between us, many of the Continents best party towns. This does not mean there isn't a wide selection of places worth going to, and both myself and the Funkmeister think somewhere unvisited is the way to go. Of course we have to take into account cost, as the Euro is making a lot of European countries, such as France and Italy, look a bit pricey. PJ is pushing for Tallinn, a worthy choice indeed, where I would be thinking maybe Lisbon, warm and sunny. I know there will be a strong Amsterdam lobby, but I think we have done this town to death. Brussels would be an option on the old Eurostar, but I reckon you would be looking at pretty high beer prices, which would also apply to Copenhagen, or any of the other Scandanvian cities. Berlin would a hoot, but I fear my Germany obsession is only shared with the Right honourable Shouty. One place that could be a real blast is Belegrade, but getting there could prove to a logistical nightmare. Anyway, these are just a few ideas, and as always, this is an open forum, and all suggestions will be warmly received. But remember, the sooner an agreement is made, the sooner plans can be put into place. Start saving now...

Die Löwen machen es zwei hintereinander

FC Ingolstadt

2 : 3

1860 München

Two in a row, as Der Lowen roar on, defeating their Bavarian rivals 2-3 away at Ingolstadt. All the goals came in the first half, top scorer Lauth putting the Lions ahead, before the home team equalised via the penalty spot. Wolfarth restored the lead, but within two minutes Ingolstadt were back on level terms. The deciding goal was scored four minutes before the interval, by the Lars half of the Bender twins. He was joined by brother Sven late in the second half, a welcome return from injury. This means the lads are in 9th place, and smack in the middle points wise, being nine points off both the relegation and promotion places. Next up is Frankfurt at home. Not the Mighty Eintract, but poor city relations FSV Frankfurt, who occupy fourth from bottom. A real chance to extend the run to three. Hopefully this good run will continue till the 5th of April, when we arrive to see them play VfL Osnabrück. I can almost taste the Weissbier.....

Been Better

Apologies for the lack of posting, I have been struck down by Man Flu, otherwise known as the Common Cold. This was compounded by the hangover I had from a wedding I attended on Friday. I felt so shit, I didn't even make it to watch the Bantams on Saturday, only the second game I have missed this season. And they spanked Aldershot 5-0, with a goal from my favourite Irishman, they Mighty Baz Conlon. I was rooted to the sofa, runny nose, sore throat, headache, nauseous and praying for an end to the misery. Crespo had no sympathy, reckoning if they play like that when I am not there, I should consider staying at home every week. Samrt Ass. As for today, I have been for a few medicinal pints of Guinness, and am now suffering from a chronic bout of "Can't be Arsed.," Will pull my finger out tomorrow.

Righteous Rise Again

Finally,after weeks of having to put up with the Gaylord gloating, the Righteous pulled off a much needed victory. The Euro boys got off to a flyer, and apart from one scare, strolled home with something to spare. Young Gaz pulled his hamstring early, Dead Eye was more like Glass Eye, and Luklear War had the misfortune to stop a power shot with his gonads. Which made me laugh, but not as much as when it happened to Jamon. He pulls the best "ball in the nuts" face you have ever seen. And he makes the best "ball to the groin" noise you ever heard. Must be all the practise he gets at home. Any how, we were MASSIVELY improved, and could have won by a country mile, had the mighty Clogs taken the lumps of wood off his boots. It was great fun, and I even made the turncoat Shotgun angry, after accidentally kicking him as he ran past. Of course we had to have a wobble, and just as it seemed we'd coast home, our five goal advantage was cut to one, as the Mercenary watched a slew of long range shots fly past him. Our arses were now in full twitch mode, but Clogs and the Shoutster found their touch, and our lead was soon restored. We could even afford to stick Two Scoops in nets, even though he refused to save anything with his poorly hand. It was pretty funny though, when he ducked under a shot to stop himself getting hit in the face. The only problem was he turned around to see where it had gone, it hit the wall, and smacked him in the eye.

Line-ups;

JMF- Dr Shotgun, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Shouty, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Mercenary

2009 Season

• JMF wins - 5



• Euro Elite - 2



• Draws - 1

Bantams 1 Silkmen 0

Finally a win. After a three game barren steak, we earned the full three points against an uninterested Macclesfield Town. From the off, the visitors didn't really seem that interested in winning, playing five at the back, and stuffing the midfield. The question was, could we break them down? Recent performances has not gone well, and although Jones rattled the crossbar in the first half, there was a lot of huff and puff, and very little imagination. If a team was in need of a goal to break them out of their stupor, it was the Bantams, and as the realisation dawned of how poor the opposition was, an urgency not seen since the Wycombe game began to creep in. Furman and law were beginning to actually run with the ball, instead of aimlessly punting it forward, stretching the Macclesfield rearguard and opening up space. At last, just as the hour mark was passed, the new found confidence paid dividends. A clever passing move saw Boulding holding up the ball on the edge of the penalty box, timing his pass perfectly with the surging run of Furman, who found the bottom corner with a smart finish. The rest of the game passed by easily enough, the Silkmen failing to raise an opening of any real note, and if the Bantams had possessed a little more composure in the final third, the outcome could have been more substantial. Not a classic, but a much needed win. With a couple of other results going in our favour, we managed to climb three places, back into the play off places, and up to fifth. Next up is Aldershot at home, and if we can win that contest, it is followed by the proverbial six pointer next Tuesday, when we visit third place Rochdale. Squeaky bum time has arrived.

Baz Watch- One of the three changes wrought by McCall, our aero dynamic hero was on from the off. But something didn't seem right his Bazship. He seemed some how subdued, not very Baz like at all. Yes he ran around, but there were no flashes of either brilliance, or ineptitude, something the lovable Irishman usually provides in spades. He did pick up his game in the final ten minutes, the usual spell he is on the pitch for, giving us on of his "Sniper in the stands" dives, a nice spin, a half decent strike and a great through ball for a disallowed goal. Might have done just about enough to retain his spot against Aldershot. As average as it gets....5/10

As regular readers are aware, the concession stand offerings at Valley Parade have long been exhausted. So this week I thought I would treat you to a picture of Barry Conlon with hair...








This hirsute Barry Conlon also hails from the Emerald Isle, and is President of FreightWatch USA. He served for seven years in the Irish Special Forces (no, I didn't know there was such a thing either), so just like "our" Barry, you wouldn't mess. He is also prone to missing sitters. You can read more about "Hairy" Barry by clicking here.

McStumped

Yyyyargghh, ye pebble dashing coral shaggers, I be far to McClever fer ye yet again. Twas the McSteel city of McSheffield I be sailing thro', on a cold wintery eve. of course, as is me want, this be meanin' I have six shiny doubloons up fer grabs. It be a finer time of year fer me to way anchor, and strike a McPose as I prepared to McGuzzle some McGrub. Can any of ye be guessin'

"Where be MccEuroooooooo??"

Löwe Gesenkhammer Piraten

Was it the kick up the arse the Lions needed? In mid week 1860 parted company with their head coach, and replaced him with his assistant, Uwe Wolf. Was it an inspired appointment, or a panic move? Judging by the result on Sunday, it was a move that should have been made weeks ago, as the Lions mauled the Pirates of St Pauli, 5-1 at the Allianz. Three nil up inside half an hour, Lars Bender opened the scoring on 7 mins, followed by Schäffler and Johnson. St Pauli pulled one back, before Lauth and Hoffmann finished off the game. Lauth was all the more impressive after it was discovered after the game he had sustained a broken hand before he scored. Thankfully it won't prevent our top scorer from playing, he has had a splint fitted, and will be available to play next week, away against FC Ingolstadt 04, who lie in the relegation zone, third from bottom. Der Lowen now find themselves in tenth place, and have earned a bit of breathing space from the relegation places, although they are only six points off. Promotion still looks an uphill task, ten points off as we enter March, but hope springs eternal. Our countdown till the Osnabruk game has started, it is only four weeks off. Can't wait.

Magpies 3 Bantams 1

The omens were not good, I must have had a dodgy pint of Guinness the night before, 'cause I woke up up with bad guts, if you know what I mean. This was compounded by the journey down to Nottingham, I managed to get some kip, but when I woke up, there was only one course of action. Of course I waited until we were going through roadworks that prevented Crespo from pulling his car over. This meant the passenger side of his vehicle was plastered with puke, as I hung my head out of the window. This in turn made Crespo himself feel a bit gippy, so our first port of call was a car wash. With a now sparkly clean car, we drove into Nottingham, and got down near the ground, which just happened to be within spitting distance of the UK's only Hooters. Result! Fortified by some hot wings and a pint of lager, I was back to my best, and although I could have quite easily stayed in Hooters, we took off for the match.

It was to be a bad call. We looked great for the first five minutes, but after that it was dreadful. Three nil down at half time, and what made it worse was our total ineptitude. It was like Bury away, times 10. In the local paper, Stuart McCall made a big play about them only having three chances, all taken, and how we made over 20 crosses to their nine. he failed to mention that 19 of these crosses successfully found touch at the other end of the pitch. Dean Furman, O'Brien and Rehamn apart, it was woeful. Graham Lee had a mare, and the movement from the rest of the team was non existent. The week before we got rolled by Barnet, and there was barely a change in the team, for this game. It needs shaking up badly. No idea, no cohesion and a reliance on the big hoof up front. Not a strategy to get us into League one. It was so bad, that County even took the piss in the second half, playing keep ball, as our own fans began to call "Ole!" in unison with home support. Shotgun summed up the mood, stating that our £20 notes would have been much better value spent on Hot Wings and beer across the road. It was so poor, that we did something that I haven't done in over seven years. We left early. Happen it was the thought of being served cold beer by a nubile waitress in a skin tight tank top and orange hot pants, but we could take no more, and with just over five minutes remaining we were gone. Of course we missed Thornes consolation goal, but worse was to follow, as the local constabulary prevented us from going into Hooters saying it was full. My Arse.

This means we have fallen out of the play off places. And with the last to games being high scoring defeats our goal difference has taken a beating as well. We do have a game in hand on Shrewsbury, the team immediately above us, but every other team has played the same, so no joy there either. The only slice of luck we have had, is Darlington being docked ten points for going into administration, or they would be breathing down our necks, with two in hand. Our hopes of automatic promotion also look to be slim, we are six points behind third and second, although we do have a visit to Spotland to play Rochdale looming. I reckon our hopes of a top three place may well be decided by this game. What about the play offs? The Daggers have fallen of the pace, so it looks a straight shoot out between us and any team up to second. It looks like Brentford may just run away with it now. All I know is that if we continue to post in performances like the last two games, we will be playing in this league again next season.

Pie Rating- I was hoping to have a picture to accompany the "Pie Rating" but the good Doctor must be to busy playing Call of Duty, sorry I mean working from home, to bother to send me it on, so I am afraid I will have to the set scene with words. The pie is Chicken and Mushroom, with a golden flaky pastry, slightly underdone, but warm, and as I bite into it, the warm chunks of chicken and mushroom, combined in light gravy cascade into my mouth and moustache, joining the flecks of sick left over from my moment on the motorway. The tomato sauce I have liberally spread on the top of the pie proves the perfect compliment, and drowns out the taste of the stale spittle. Mmmmmmmmmmm. A very good effort, and worthy of the 8/10 I am bestowing upon it.

Baz Watch- Splinter gathering on the bench. A few purposeful shuttle runs, and that was it. He still scores better marks than Graham Lee did, and he played the full 90 minutes. He must be pretty pissed, considering the ineptitude of the team, that he didn't even get a run out.

I will be posting an Away Day feature on the stadium at a later date, if I ever get the photos and video of Crespo. This applies to you as well Shotgun, in reference to the Bury game. Either that, or I will just have to stop forgetting my camera.