Battle of the Brews...The British Isles

This weeks grouping is from our own green and pleasant land, plus Ireland. Wonder if you can guess what will be representing the Emerald Isle? Now as you are all well aware, these shores are not exactly renowned for the production of lager, so I am going to have to go out on a wing and a prayer when describing the local ales and bitters. This is because I am not really a fan. I am going to go for a couple, but if any real ale drinkers out there think I have missed the best one off, feel free to leave a comment.

Guinness
The national drink of Ireland, and with out a doubt the best known porter in the world. Legend has it that it tastes best when drunk on the Emerald Isle, but I think that it has more to do with the fact that elsewhere it is not served correctly. In the bars of Dublin it is poured with love and diligence, usually by bar keeps who take pride in the noble art of their chosen profession. Of course in the UK it is often served by a dim witted 19 year old chubster who thinks nothing of pulling it straight through the pump. Even worse, the landlord who doesn't look after his cellar, the result of which is the "Black Splatter." Many a pristine toilet bowl has been pebble dashed by this curse, which is often compounded by the dodgy kebab eaten on the way home. Gross. Back to the Black Stuff. It is lovely, and that's official. It is the perfect antidote for an overindulgence of lager, due to it's lack of fizz. It has an ABV of 4.3%, although the Foreign Extra Stout is in the 7.5-8% category. And isn't lovely at all.

Timmy Taylors Landlord
As I mentioned above, I am in no way to be mistaken with a real ale enthusiast, and although my first couple of years of beer drinking were as a bitter drinker, it is not my drink of choice. So why Timmy Taylors Landlord? It is the last bitter I tried, about a month ago, and I am reliably informed by folk who no about these things that it is excellent. And it's brewed just up the road in Keighley. Plus the pubs tied to the brewery almost always are of a high standard. It has an ABV of 4.3%, and as bitters go is pretty nice. Much better than Black Sheep, which to me tasted like bog water.

Belhaven Wee Heavy
Representing Scotland is Belhavens Wee Heavy, an ale that is red in colour,but has a nice easy taste. In fact too nice, and it slips down wayyyyyy to easily. It weighs in at a kick ass 6.5%, and as mentioned prior, fair flies down the throat. I missed three trains, lost my ticket, found it, lost it again, missed another train and fell out with a ticket conductor after a lengthy afternoon chugging this stuff. There are a few other brewers who sell there own variety of "Heavy" and they can vary wildly in strength, from 60/- (schilling) at 3.5% up to Wee Heavy, 90/-, which is over 6% ABV. I am returning to Scotland later in the year, and am looking forward to trying a few jars in "Diggers" my old mans favourite pub.

Brains Beer
I have only ever been to Wales once, it was 1980, and I was only thirteen years old. Now back then there was no such thing as Wacky Warehouses, kids were not welcome in pubs and off licence shop keepers asked for proof of age. This meant no beer for Brian. So, in a nut shell, I have never once sampled an alcoholic beverage that is Welsh. I am reliably informed that Brains is rather popular on the Celtic side of Offas Dyke, and I have noticed that they sponsor the Welsh Ruby Union team. I think they might actually do a lager as well, but that's pretty much all I know.

Greene King Indian Pale Ale
More commonly known by the abbreviation IPA, I have included this because it's my favourite style of English beer. I have no particular favourite brand, the reason I picked Greene king is that it was the easiest one to find a picture of, see right. It is not particularly strong, Greene kings weighs in with an ABV of just 3.6%, but it has a fresher taste than bitter. It gets the Indian part of it's name because it was the first beer to be brewed specifically for export, I would guess by the name, to India. It probably won't get any votes, but what the hey.

Battle of the Brews...Dutch Results

Hey you Crazshy Fuckersh, you want some Shmokes and shome pancakshes? The battle of to be King of the Dutch brews ended in stalemate, so yet again we have not one but two qualifiers. It was the biggest turnout yet, and both Heineken and Grolsh could not be separated. One taste free voter even voted for Bavaria?! Saw it in the Co-Op tonight, £2.49 for a four pack tells it's own tale. The beers that have graduated to the knockout phase are as follows;

• Kronenbourg 1664
• Becks Vier
• Corona
• Budweiser
• Rolling Rock
• Heineken
• Grolsch
  

Whiny JMF Crushed

The three game winning streak of the JMF was brought to a crushing end last night down the Wood, as they crumbled to an eleven goal defeat. It would appear that during this three week period, they forgot how to accept defeat. Lukelear, Jamon and the usually even tempered Dead Eye were in full whine mode. An admittedly close call on the edge of the area got Dead Eye all fired up, and when the Funkmeister clearly handled the ball, gaining an unfair advantage, both Dead Eye and Luklear went into melt down. This seemed to affect their play, and for once we made them pay in droves. A thunderbolt from Clogs got the scoring underway, and the lead was never relinquished. The good Dr Shotgun rolled back the years, and tormented MoFo team captain Jamon mercilessly, racking up an impressive scoring haul. He hit one with the outside of his left foot ( I didn't know he had one either) that arrowed in off the post. Of course he was quick to blow his own trumpet, and just after he told all and sundry that the old Parducci was back, he missed an open goal. Everybody else on the Elite played their part, Mercenary was a rock at the back, the Shoutster ran himself into the ground and I was just plain brilliant. We must have been outstanding, as afterwards Dead Eye admitted that hew had thrown in the towel. Chin up Phil! It's only a game.... Of course one swallow does not make a summer, and although it was a stellar performance, we are still three games adrift in the race to win our third consecutive "Warriors of the Wood" title.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Lefty, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Euro Bri, Dr Shotgun, Clogs, Mercenary and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 9

Euro Elite - 6

Draws - 1

Squeaky Bum Time

Squeaky Bum Time, the eloquent words used by Sir Alex Ferguson to describe the business end of the season, a time that we are in the midst of in our Bender Squad Dream Team championship. This year the title, barring an outrageous run of results, has come down to three. Currently in pole position, is Machine who is just edging out last years champ Big John B by about ten points. Following up in third, about 50 points of the pace, is perennial almost man, and last years runner up, European Bri. After this trio there is a gap of some 100 points to young Lefty and Euros reserve team, who probably have too much to do to trouble the three teams at the top. There are approximately 4 Premier League games, plus the FA Cup final, and the last two rounds of the Champions League, so it is all still up for grabs. One last thing though. Some of you have fallen by the wayside may not have checked in lately. I would just like to draw your attention to a FREE end of season competition that the Dream team folk a running. A chance to win £20,000? Yes please! Entries to be in by 12:15 on Saturday the second of May.

Bender Alert

May is just around the corner, and that means our one truly annual Bender is fast approaching. The 30th of May is the eighth visitation of our yearly piss up for the FA Cup final. Since our first one in 2001, back when Michael Owen was good (he scored two late goals as Liverpool beat Arsenal), we have met up in Bradford town centre to have a few wagers, drink vast amounts of ale, and watch the game. During these years we have watched the game in the Bambooza twice (now called the Che bar. It's not a Cuban bar, it just has lot's of pictures of Che Guevara), the Queens hotel, three times, the Bank ( once nice, now chavtacular) and last year at Walkabout, which stinks of piss, and only sells pissy Australian lager. So this year, unless somebody else has a brain wave, it will be back to the Queens Hotel, next to Bradford Interchange. Of course we could go further afield, Leeds has been mentioned, but we shall see. Just make sure you have cleared the 30/05/09 in your diaries.

Worried.

Is it the end of the World? The swine flu outbreak in Mexico is the lead story on almost every news outlet, reported as though the four horsemen of the apocalypse could be spied on the horizon. The World Health Organization (WHO), has gone to alert level 4, two levels below full blown pandemic. Thankfully it cannot be spread thought Bacon Butties, so most of us in the UK should be safe.

Euro on Film

I was watching the News last week, and there was a story about some small village down south somewhere around the London commuter belt. The local Nimbys had gotten their knickers in a twist when they saw the Google Street View camera car pull into town. An invasion of their privacy, an on line search engine for burglars and the like they bleated. It was the proverbial non story on a slow news day, but I did get to see what the Camera car looked like. It was just a normal saloon car, but protruding from it's roof was a strange periscope like contraption, that had a 360 degree kind of camera thingy stuck on it. So imagine my surprise, as I sat by the side of the road in Keighley town, and a car with the very same contraption came rumbling down the hill. Of course, a cool, suave, sophisticated urbanite such as myself, had but one course of action. I thrust myself out of my vehicles window, gurning and waving like a country rube who finds himself in shot on a local news story. Still, if it's good enough for Liam Gallagher, it's good enough for me. I look forward to seeing if I make the final cut. One thing for sure though. I can't see the good denizens of Keighley complaining to much about their town being laid bare on Street View. There ain't nowt to nick!

Bantams 3 Millers 0

The last home game of the season, and with any chance of the play-offs a distant memory, the Bantams turned in a winning performance for the first time in nine games. This win less steak has had everybody guessing as to whether Stuart McCall will still be manager next season, after he vowed to resign if we did not make the top seven. Pre-match there was a warm reception for him, and a couple of banners pleading with him to stay. We should find out after next weeks finale away to Chesterfield. So on to the game. Our opponents wold be ahead of us in the table , were it not for a 17 point deduction, and after recent showings, I for one, expected the worst. But I should have known, after years of putting up with City, that now that there is nothing to play for, they would play like they had during the halcyon days at the begining of the season. Clarke was dropped, and Rehaman finally given an opportunity to play in his preferred centre half position again. His performance was in marked contrast to his fish out of water routine at right back. Law and Furman ran the middle of the park, and Jones gave plenty of options out wide. Thorney finally got back to scoring ways, bagging a brace in the first half, that really should have been at least a hat trick, if not four. The problem is, of the five players just mentioned, four are on loan, and our top scorer is out of contract from next Saturday.

The second half continued much the same. Rotherham created the odd chance, but looked like a team who had given up on the season. Bar the goal keeper, who single handily prevented a cricket score. He was only beaten once more, by the excellent Jones, and all that was left was for the local teenage population to stage a pitch invasion. I will reserve my season summary for the day after the season officially ends. One last piece of gossip, from a fairly reliable source, has Windass being lined up to play out his final season as a pro in the Claret and Amber. Something I am not to sure about.....

Kev Watch- A big fat zero for the first half, as he sat two rows back with Shouty, but he came good in the second half, and both him and the Shoutster proved excellent value. It will be a shame next season to be without the Right Honourable, who has had to sacrifice his season ticket due to the recession. El Grande Queso and Helmet have both stepped up to fill the void. Back to the boy Crespo Combining the two halves, I will give him a season ending 10/10. I had to. He gave me a lift..

Pie Rating- Chicken Balti. I don't get it. Bloody Awful. 2/10.

Battle of the Brews.....Dutch Beershhh

"C'mon guysh, lets go deliver some beershh!!!" a sentence anyone who has visited the Heineken Experience in Amsterdam will be familiar with. And it seemed a worthy introduction to this weeks qualifiers, the Dutch beers.

Heineken
The beer that purportedly refreshes the parts that others cannot reach, is by far the biggest selling Dutch lager on the planet, and can put in a decent claim to be the best known beer of any country. Sadly it no longer runs the "Refreshes the parts" adverts any more, and instead goes in for heavy sponsorship deals, such as the UEFA Champions League. It is now sold at its European strength of 5% ABV, after years of being sold at a cooking lager standard. It is a decent drop, no doubt, but I have to say I prefer it in Holland. It tastes a little fruity (as in fruits that grow on trees) in the UK and packs a killer hang over. On the other side of the North Sea, it tastes crisp, and doesn't leave me ligged out in bed for several hours the next day. Which is strange, because it claims to be brewed to thew exact same recipe for the last 150 years. Even if you don't like the stuff, I would recommend The Heineken Experience in it's former brewery in south Amsterdam. It's a bit cheesy, yes, but it's a good way to clear a hangover, and you get three free beers. A tip. At the end of the tour a lot of tokens are left behind by pink livered tourists, so you can get tanked free! Result!

Grolsh
The only beer I can think of, that became an actual fashion item for teeny boppers. It has always been served in a distinctive bottle, with the old flip top bottle cap, the one with a metal bar you push to open the cap. In the mid 1980's the boy b and Bros removed the caps from the bottle and wore them on their loafers, a trend followed by legions of young school girls, and fella's who should have known better. It is a the usual 5% ABV, and tastes much better, to me anyway, out of a can or bottle than on draught. A good strong taste, and a gentle come down on the old napper make this one of my faves. It is the 21st biggest producer of lager in the world, and the main brewery in Enscende is massive. I know, because I have driven past it. Now that Bros have been consigned to the dust bin of history, the bottle has returned to being a cool icon, as long as you don't use any part of it to decorate your footwear.

Oranjeboom
Translates as the "Orange Tree" and is pronounced totally different to how it looks. In Dutch it is pronounced as if you are summoning phlegm from the deepest and darkest recess of your lungs, after which you say hume instead of boom. A dutch bartender spent a considerable amount of time teaching me how to pronounce it. Not readily found in Amsterdam, as it origins were in Rotterdam. Until 1990 that is, when InBev purchased it, and moved to some faceless out of town multi purpose place. And to top it all, the wankers, in 2004 they changed the ingredients! How can they still call it Oranjeboom? This beer at one time would have been my runaway fave, but it ain't what it was, that's for sure. Rarely found in pubs anymore, it is usually found on the bargain shelves in your local supermarket.

Bavaria
You can imagine the meeting when they came up with the name;
"We need something to make people think they are drinking a beer from a place that is famous for it," says CEO of No Name INC.
"What about Bavaria Lager?" says brown nosed lackey.
"Brilliant!" says over paid idiot.
That is how I imagine a Dutch company ended up brewing a lager named for an area of Germany synonymous with excellent beer. Of course you can call a turd caviar, but it's still a turd. This 5%ABV offering can almost always be found in the special offer section at your local Co-Op. This is why it is such a favourite among the track suited 12 year olds who run amok in your local park. Given the choice of drinking this or the spunk of an Aids raddled drug addict, I would choose Bavaria, but only just.

Battle of the Brews...Yankee Lagers the Result

It was bound to happen sooner or later, a tie. I was going to think up some elaborate mechanism to determine a clear victor. but I just can't be arsed. So in the name of bone idleness. I have decided to allow both Budweiser and rolling Rock to progress to the knock-out phase. They both join the beers listed below;

• Kronenbourg 1664
• Becks Vier
• Corona
• Budweiser
• Rolling Rock
  

Is it Wrong??

This an advert that has been showing lately for some Japanese chocolate sticks called Mikado. Is it wrong that I get a semi on when I see it??

Should Have Gone to Spec Savers

Now don't get me wrong, the evil arse sniffers of the JMF id on reflection probably deserve to win, but not by the nine goal margin that was the final result. It was a sloppy game by both sides, but when the good Dr Shotgun and the Right Honourable Shoutster outscore Clogs, you know your in bother. Of course letting the opposition rack up an early five goal cushion also tends to make things a little difficult. It was the first appearance in several weeks of Queen MoFo Jamon, and he and Shotgun wasted no time in sniping at each other, something that always cheers me up no end. Anyway there isn't a whole lot else to say. Funky had an exceptional night between the sticks, as did Dead Eye, who also scored a plethora of goals. Three on the bounce to the JMF.

Line-ups;

JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Lukelear, Funky and Dead Eye

EURO E- Euro Bri, Dr Shotgun, Clogs, Two Scoops and Shouty

2009 Season

JMF wins - 9

Euro Elite - 5

Draws - 1