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Friday, July 31, 2009

Bender Ahoy!!!

It has been a skinny year Bender wise, that damned recession is still nipping, but we are all systems go for tomorrow, as we take a slow train to Edinburgh, to sup ourselves daft in honour of Mad Adam's impending nuptials. It is the first such outing this year for both the afore mentioned, and the Funky Messiah. Throw in myself, Lobon and Tony Helmet, and the forecast for buffoonery looks high. Toss in Crespo, who is coming up on Saturday, and an outside chance that the Mighty Geester might make a PA, and the Idiot meter registers a ten on the Richter scale. Should be good. Whilst I am on the subject of Buffoonery, we have a new entry in the race for the Maillot Jaune. A man always strongly tipped to contend, gets off the mark in fine style, with a top scoring buffoon, with an eejit thrown in for good measure. It seems somebody had told Lefty, that if you place your Xbox 360 in the oven, on a low flame, it upgrades the performance of the machine. Now he scores an eejit for actually believing such blatant nonsense, but he scores the full 10 pointer buffoon for not only trying it out, but setting his console on fire, and in the process nearly burning his house down. It must be something in the water down Shipley way......

Sprocket also earns himself a muppet. On plus ones stag shindig, he and couple of his cronies invented a new game. The rules are simple. You run up behind a mate and punch him in the ribs. Alas this left him too poorly to partake in all the events laid on for him the next day. He also scores a muppet for not running fast enopugh at work, and being scorched by flying debris when a frunace exploded.

  1. Shouty 27 points
  2. Euro Bri 16 points
  3. Helmet 14 points
  4. Lefty 14 points
  5. Crespo 11 points
  6. Sprocket 9 points
  7. Pembo 4 points
  8. Dr Shotgun 2 points
  9. Funky 1 point
  10. G Spot 1 point

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Cream Finally Rises

There is a saying round these parts, "God loves a trier." And boy did our man loving opposition huff and puff, and give it their damnedest last night down the Wood. But unfortunately for them, we were in full Champagne Supernova mode, and the poor little blighter's never really stood a chance. It was nip and tuck through the opening skirmishes, Hell they even went in front at one stage. But we are no longer the band of ragamuffin misfits of earlier in the year, and through slick passing and vast amounts of skill, we were in control by the half hour mark. Our lead was stretched to five, but they still wouldn't lie down and take it. Big Phil, who in his first stint between the sticks was as solid as a rock, got the wobbles, and before you knew it, the MoFo had whittled our lead to just two goals. This lasted the briefest of moments, as Two Scoops, ably assisted by Shotgun and Clogs, rattled in three scores in double quick time, and the uprising was crushed. The MoFo appear to be in disarray at the moment. There healthy lead of early June is but a faint memory, as a six game losing streak has the Righteous in the box seat for the first time since the Christmas of last year. Dead Eye is out for the next four weeks, but Luklear War is back, but has a holiday coming up. Funky has pencilled in a young replacement for Dead Eye, but will it be enough? All the momentum seems to to be with the Euro Boys, but there is still plenty of football yet to be played.

Line-ups;

JMF- Funky, Young Gaz, JohnnyM, Jamon and Lukelear War

EURO E- Dr Shotgun, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Big Phil

2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 13


  • Euro Elite - 14


  • Draws - 1
  • Tuesday, July 28, 2009

    Bonjour!!

    Sava? Tres bien! I have been back in Blighty since Sunday, but some of that French lassez-faire bone idleness must have rubbed off, as I have bee in seriuos loaf mode since my return. The trip was great, but as a Bender Squad destination, I am afraid the land of our Gallic brothers is a no go area for the moment. It is expensive. And not just a little pricey, but eye wateringley so. An example? 6€ a pint for a start. Yes, that was in Paris, but it wasn't much cheaper outside the French capitol. Until the exchange rate changes, or the frogs become a little bit more realistic in their pricing, I vote "NON" to boozing in France. Which is a shame, as it is a Hell of a nice place to visit. What were the pros, and what were the cons? Read on.....

    Tres Bien!
    Paris, still probably, just about, my favourite city in the world. Bayeaux for the tapestry. The D Day beaches at Collville. Canoeing around Brantome. The eerie ruined village at Oradour sur Glan. The lager, especially Pelforth, a new French brew discovered on this trip. All lagers are not cheap, but all carry an ABV over 5%. Village cook out in Saint Mathieu. Pick your grub, tell them how you want it cooked, and get pissed. Why don't they anything like that here? The road network. I did around 1,500 miles around France and got stuck in one traffic jam, and drove through only one set of road works. Ice cream. Proper full fat stuff with flavours ranging from vanilla and choclat, to foie gras. The French also make a mean pastry....mmmmm pastry. Nobody wears tracksuits tucked into their socks.

    Sacre Bleu!!
    The food. Apart from the pastry and bread, what is the big deal? Poncey and overpriced, and everything appears to come with chips. And not the proper ones either, but the skinny assed ones like you get at any burger joint. And boy can than charge you for the privilege. My advice? Stick to McDonald's. It still ain't cheap, €7 for a value meal, but it will be by far the cheapest thing you eat while there. And you can get a beer. We stopped in one place in Bayeux, and for six of us to eat was a €100. It doesn't sound bad, till you figure that we were only eating stuff like omelette's and chips. Another place, a small patisserie in the country, charged me €11 for two sandwiches. No wonder the busiest restaurants you came across were MaccyD's. Outrageous. Motorway tolls. You do a couple of hundred miles, and you pull up to the booth expecting to get charged something like €5, or so. Imagine my surprise when €20 flashed up. You can't get round them either, as the alternative usually adds 60 miles to your journey. In fact everything is insanely expensive. I know the exchange rate has something to do with it, but crikey it stings the old wallet. I firmly believe if Squad members JohnnyM or Jamon pitched up in France they would explode.

    As you can see, my only real gripe is with the price of everything. Apart from that it is a fantastic place to visit, and on the whole, the people are nice enough, if a bit whiffy. If you rent yourself a Gite, or are camping, it can be done on a budget. The supermarkets are pretty cheap, and most public facilities are pretty good (apart from toilets). But if you like to live high on the hog, as I know most of the Squad, and readers of this blog do, I would avoid until the pound gets stronger.

    1,2, 3, 4, 5 in a Row

    I went away on the back of a three game win streak, and am pleased to learn this run now stands at a stellar five consecutive victories. From what I can gather, the mighty Euro boys crushed the limp JMFers in the first game, and snuck a narrow win in the second. This means the race to be crowned King of the Wood 2009 is back to square one, as our victory burst has wiped out a five game deficit. I have no idea what the teams were, or who was grat, and who was not, but suffice to say that the Righteous were brilliant, and the the MoFo shite.

    2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 13


  • Euro Elite -13


  • Draws - 1
  • Tuesday, July 14, 2009

    Summer Sabbatical

    This will more than likely be the last posting for a week or two, as I am off to France on my crystal balls (hols). I will try and make contact via the interweb, but after a couple of nights in Paris, I am off into the outback, or what ever they call the back of beyond across the Channel. If somebody could post a comment, either here or on facebook, to keep me up to date with results down the Wood, I would be grateful, especially if the cock munchers are vanquished. If I get to an Internet cafe, I will update. So that's it for a week or so. The roof rack is on the car, the crossing is booked and the credit cards primed, on what will either be a grand voyage of adventure and discovery, or a trip to the outer circle of Hell. Here's hoping for the former, and I pray none of you succumb to Swine Flu whilst I am away.

    Au Revoir!

    Has Buffoonnery given way to Common Sense??

    A scary thought, for sure, but on Friday night there was an awful lot of acting our age going on. Thankfully Paddy was on hand with his new Apprentice to make sure there was at least a hint of tom foolery about. In true Wibsey style, Paddy had greased up his new underlings gonads at work, before coming out on the razz. we left the George late on, missing Leftys band, and hit town, which was a bit quiet if truth be told. We met with Clogs, who was sporting a very fetching tank top, and bumped into a bunch of lads I hadn't seen in a couple of years. But that was about it. Big JohnnyM couldn't get in anywhere, and Dr Shotgun did the decent thing and went with him for some grub instead ( although I think he was just trying to cadges a free lift home). Paddy and his trainee were last seen bouncing around Revolutions, which left just myself, Crespo, Shouty and his mate Mark. we did have plans to go to an all nighter, but at around four a.m., we decided to call it a night. Even the Shoutster saw sense. Let's hope it is just a passing phase...

    Battle of the Breews...German Styles

    The final qualifier is over, and a no doubt Shouty inspired Kolsch romped home. In honour of the Right Honourable's favoured brew, I am choosing Sion Kolsch to represent, as it is the brew of his favourite brauhaus. Making up the final 16 is a brew that is my favourite. I have invoked my position as unelected president for life, and emperor in chief to make sure that D.A.B. will be the wild card entry. So when do the playoffs begin? Well I was hoping to do the draw before I retired on my summer vacation, but I doubt I will have time. The date pencilled in at the moment is probably Sunday the 26th of July, with the first knockout confrontation on the same day. Feel free to peruse the qualifiers below:

    1. Kronenbourg 1664
    2. Becks Vier
    3. Corona
    4. Budweiser
    5. Rolling Rock
    6. Heineken
    7. Grolsch
    8. Guinness
    9. Leffe Blond
    10. Becks
    11. Holstein Pils
    12. Red Stripe
    13. Peroni
    14. Tesco Value Brand Lager
    15. Sion Kolsch
    16. D.A.B.

    Friday, July 10, 2009

    Up for a Binge

    At last, after weeks of taking it steady, and being oh so responsible, we are to let loose for a good old binge drink tomorrow night. We are rendezvousing in Wibsey, and if we manage to organise our bad selves, are off to support Lefty's band down at the Love Apple in Bradford. This may prove a bit of a feat, as me and Crespo don;t finish till late, JohnnyM would be late for his own funeral, G-Spot has no testicles and Shouty is a buffoon. But try we shall.

    Binge Drinking Rules!!! (Until your hangover kicks in the next day...)

    Thursday, July 09, 2009

    Three in a Row

    A consummate team performance by the Righteous Elite down the Wood last night, earned a comfortable victory against an ill tempered JMF. I would like to think the win was down to the selfless running of both Shotgun and Clogs, the finishing of Two Scoops and the passing of Euro and the Mercenary, but according to the man lovong MoFo, we just plain cheated, which I feel is harsh. Their grievance stems form a controversial decision not to award a goal, after both the good Doctor and the Mercenary claimed Jamon had entered the keepers area. I personally did not see it, but it did look dubious, to say the least. Dead Eye was apocalyptic, and threw an almighty strop, something I didn't think he was capable of. Jamon or Funky, sure, but not the usually pragmatic goal machine. It most certainly put him of his stroke. The rest of the MoFo jumped upon the band wagon. I would like to point out that we let a cast iron penalty go, when the returning King Dave retrieved a ball from outside his area, and we also chalked off tow goals after first Clogs, and then Two Scoops crossed the goalkeeping zone.

    Back to the game. It was a nip and tuck affair for the first half hour, but once the Euro boys opened a gap, there only ever looked to be one winner. This doesn't mean there wasn't a scare, as a five goal lead was whittled down to one, as Funky, Young Gaz and a now composed Dead Eye rattled in a four gaols in quick succession. But they forgot to mark Two Scoops, and four quick counter attacks saw myself, Shotgun and Two Scoops re-establish a lead that was not to squandered. This makes it three wins in a row, and a once healthy five game lead, is now an anemic two. Next week sees a raft of changes, due to holidays and other commitments. For the Righteous, I am off for a fortnight. Next week we have a new comer, as Junior scoops, son of Two Scoops, and the week after, Doctor Shotgun. For the MoFo, Luklear War is expected to make his long awaited return, but both Dead Eye and King Dave are other wise engaged. Regular replacements Young Daz, and Not As Young Dan, will be drafted in as cover.

    Line-ups;

    JMF- Funky, Young Gaz, Young Dan, Jamon and Dead Eye

    EURO E- Dr Shotgun, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Mercenary

    2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 13


  • Euro Elite - 11


  • Draws - 1
  • Wednesday, July 08, 2009

    Get Ahead, Get a Brochure

    Well that showed me. A couple of weeks ago, the only teams interested in taking what seemed to be a washed up Michael Owen on, were Stoke, Hull and the JMF. Faced with this football oblivion, the people who look after Mr Owen, printed a glossy brochure, sent it out to numerous teams throughout Europe, and Bingo, he is next seen signing along the dotted line for non other than the champions of England, Manchester United. Don't think anybody saw that one coming. What can I say. Fergie has won titles in England and Scotland, has been twice champion of Europe, and has been involved in professional footie for over fifty years. This is in contrast to my under 16 player of the year trophy at Sandy Lane Juniors, and my two "Wood" titles. But then again, I haven't paid £6.5 million for Kleberson, or 28.1 million quid for Juan Sebastian Veron either. I once lent Two Scoops a £1 to pay on Wednesday, that I never saw again, but that is about it. But the most shocking thing about this transfer is that all the papers are reporting it as if it is some kind of bargain, as United are only coughing up £30,000 a week for the pleasure of having him warm the treatment table. Shouty reckons this move will see Owen rise Phoenix like, to reclaim his England place, but I bet he still won't have him in his dream team. If you are reading this Paul, I am ready to double, neigh triple the wager, as to him breaking Bobby Charlton's England scoring record.

    Tuesday, July 07, 2009

    One for Sorrow, Two for Joy..


    Three for a girl, four for a boy. But what the Hell is it for a big squawking magpie in your front room? The Elster, who is a child minder, was in the kitchen preparing lunch for on of the kids she looks after. She walked into the front room to see what the young lad wanted on his sandwich, only to be confronted by the sight of a four year old boy holding a staring contest with a rather large magpie. Being calm and level headed is an alien concept to my beloved missus, who shrieked and proceeded to chase the bird around the room. This lasted momentarily, as the stunned magpie quickly gained the upper hand, turning the tables within seconds, and chasing the Elster around the room for a few circuits, and then out the door of her own home. She is such a female sometimes. Thankfully our next door neighbour, Dave, is made of sterner stuff, and rescued both the Elster and her four year old ward. After ushering them both to safety, he returned and shooed the magpie back outside, where the blighter belonged.

    Funky's Keister: An Update

    As reported in an earlier post, the Funky messiah was unable to to participate in Wednesday's weekly tete-a-tete down the Wood, as he had been suffering from pains in his posterior. Well I have news. The brave expedition party that undertook to discover his botty malaise has returned. After traversing the vast chasm of PJ's nether region, it has bee ascertained that our sore hero is suffering a rather nasty bout of hemorrhoids, or to put it simply for the simple, piles. How very rock and roll indeed. So for the time being it is farewell to KY Jelly, and hello to Preparation H, as the Funkmeister is resigned to playing Daddy for the foreseeable future.

    Saturday, July 04, 2009

    Battle of the Brews....The German Styles

    The last round before the qualifiers, and as posted over a month ago, we are finishing with the German style beers. They are often representative of their regions, and in some cases are not that easy to find in the United kingdom, unless you venture into a Real Ale pub or an independent free house. saying that though, you were warned over four weeks prior that this round was coming, and as such, I hope you have done your homework.

    Dortmunder
    My personal favourite, named after the town of it's origin, Dortmund. It is in a similar style to Pilsner, but has a cleaner sharper taste, excellent for an industrial thirst on a hot day. Like most beers, a lot of the independent breweries have been swallowed up by larger corporations, or been forced to amalgamate to survive. DAB is probably the one you are most likely to come across, although Union is still found, if you look hard. The style found an unlikely saviour in the USA, where micro breweries, and independents have made a stand against the faceless Goliaths that now seem to control most of the worlds beer companies. An honourable mention goes to the Great Lakes Brewing Company from the great state of Ohio, for reviving this fantastic brew. It usually weighs in with an ABV of around 5.5%.

    Kolsch
    This lager style beer hails form Koln (Cologne) and carries an Appellation Controlée, just like Champagne or Parma ham, that dictates that this style can only be brewed in and around the city on the Rhine. It is a refreshing beer, served in a strange, a glass that should hold no more than 0.3 of a litre, and although it it has a taste of, and closely resembles lager, actually pre dates it, and is classed as a a warm fermenting beer. All I know is it is well nice,and although it only usually has an ABV of 4.8%, because they are served in small glasses, you soon get caned on them. Thrice I have visited this fine city, and thrice I have been Mullahed beyond belief. The great thing about the stuff though, is its lack of hangover. The beer halls they are served in, are a far cry from their more raucous counter parts in Bavaria, but they are also a damn sight cheaper. Fruh by the Dom is without a doubt the most famous one, but I think, and I am backed up by Shouty and the Grande Queso on this, is the Brauhaus Sion. Watch out for the Köbes (kind of like beer waiters), they are top fellas, but love to take the piss. Take John the Don, who was amazed by the metre long sausage served up at the table. "What's that?" asked the squads blond bombshell. "It is a sausage" deadpanned the waiter. Just remember, if you are in Koln, this is what you will be served, and ordering anything else will make you a bit of a laughing stock, although outside of it's home town it is seen as a bit effeminate.

    Altbier
    More commonly known as Alt, the pride of Dusseldorf. It's name literally means "Old beer" and it has a look of a bitter about it, although it tastes, to me anyway, more like a bock. Served in a glass called a Becher, it is the total opposite of Kolsch. Unlike its near neighbour from Cologne, it is highly regarded throughout the rest of the Fatherland. The best thing about it though is the effect it has on the Right Honourable Shouty. The self styled "Kolschenator" who ploughed through untold gallons of the stuff, was soon put in his place by his Achilles heel, Alt. After switching brews on our sojourn to Moenchengladbach, he came too, several hours later, in the Gents toilets in Dusseldorf, believing for some reason he was in Dortmund, some forty miles away. Only the good Lord above knows for sure who the devil he git back to base camp.

    Weissbier
    A bit like marmite this one. You either love it or hate it. Usually light in colour and cloudy, the name translates as white beer, and has become quite popular in the last few years, mainly thanks to Erdinger. It has a distinct fruity taste, not unlike bananas to this beer drinker, and although I don't mind it, I have to be in the mood for it. I quite often go through phases where it is all i want, but at the moment I am in a take it or leave frame of mind. it should be served in a slightly poncey glass, shaped like an hour glass. I am not a big fan of the fruitier ones, so I always claim Erdinger as my Weissbier of choice.

    Decisions, Decisions...

    The fixture list for the 2009/10 Bundesliga Two has been released, and it throws up a few interesting options. First up is our number one choice, a visit to Hamburg to watch Der Lowen take on St Pauli. I know that Crespo will not be able to make this journey, as it is this year, and he is out of holiday entitlement. The date is the weekend of the 2-5 of October. A definite time has not yet been given, as there is a televised game on Friday nights and Monday nights. If it is on a Sunday afternoon we may be able to accommodate a quick fly in and out mission, but that kind of takes the fun out of it. Another option is a Christmas trip to Berlin. I forgot there was teams coming up into league two as well as down, and one of the teams climbing a level is 1 FC Union Berlin, a team that played in the former East German football divisions before the fall of the wall. The problem with this fixture is its close proximity to Christmas. It is due to be played on the last weekend before, on the dates 18-21 of December. Are we brave enough to tell our wives and kids that there won't be so many presents under the tree, as we are off to watch the mighty TSV play a second tier game in Berlin? I reckon not.

    So what about 2010? Well here is the good news. In mid April, namely the weekend between the 16.-19.04.2010, just as the weather starts to turn nice, Der Lowen are scheduled to play in Dusseldorf against Fortuna. It would not be my first choice, but it is the perfect destination, location wise, for the West Yorkshire branch on the TSV supporters club. Here are the reasons it is so perfect;
    1. There is a direct flight from Leeds/Bradford, at time of press, to Dusseldorf. Although prices are not yet available for April 2010, to fly on comparable dates in March came to £90 return each, flying out Friday and returning Tuesday night. That is a mighty tempting price. I have checked similar flights from Manchester on Lufthansa, and they do have the exact dates we are after, but it is £7 more expensive, and we would need to be at Manchester airport for six in the morning.
    2. Fortuna play in a state of the art 51,000 plus all seater stadium, with a retractable roof. It is doubtful that there would be a full house, so I can not foresee any difficulties getting tickets. For the true football fanatic, there is also a host of top flight teams that play in the immediate area, including FC Cologne, Bayer Leverkusen, Bourussia Dortmund and Schalke 04.
    3. Accommodation. Dusseldorf may be a bit pricey, it is a big financial centre, and the hotels tend to be priced for generous expense accounts, but I am sure we can find a budget alternative. If this proves to be a problem in Dusseldorf, Cologne is only 50 minutes away by train, and as myself and the shoutster can attest, there are plentiful budget options to be had here.
    4. Location. If Dusseldorf proves not to be to your taste, night life wise, there are numerous towns within a short train trip. I don't envision this being a problem, as the town centre boasts a strip that the locals refer to as the longest bar in Europe. It is a street that has numerous bars, bier kellers and night clubs. I will be also taking a day trip to Dortmund, to check out my favourite lager, DAB, which is brewed there.
    5. Alt. The local brew, which is revered throughout Germany, is in plentiful supply . It is a darkish beer, if you wish to find out more, click on this Wiki link. I like it. It is smooth, and packs a good punch. The locals are seriously proud of it, and in many bars this is the only style of beer for sale, as me and the Shoutster found out when we asked for a Kolsch, and whole tap room laughed at us. Speaking of the Shouty one, Alt is his own personal Kryptonite, and causes him to become an even bigger buffoon than is usually the case, which is always entertaining.
    So those are the five reasons that I believe make Dusseldorf the sensible option. Don't get me wrong, Hamburg is by far and away my personal preference, but getting everything lined up in time for the beginning of October is a bit of a reach. The cheapest way to do it would be by car, but it is a bout 12 hours by road, and I am not sure any of us possess a vehicle that would be able to make it. So unless one of us drops the jackpot on the lottery, or has a most cunning of plans, Hamburg will once again have to be put on the back burner.

    Friday, July 03, 2009

    Handed on a Platter

    Sometimes you get handed a piece of information, that actually overloads your brain. it is usually something, an item of news concerning somebody you know, that is so full of possibilities for mirth, that your sensors overload and all you can do is grin, as a multitude of quips, cracks and jokes race through your mind. One of these rare instances happened to me on Tuesday. I meant to report prior to tonight, but up until now I have been unable to form my thoughts around this matter till now. I shall set the scene. My phone, rings, and cursory look at the caller ID shows it is a call from JMF second in command, Able Seamen Funky.

    "Can you get somebody to fill in for me down the Wood tomorrow?" enquired PJ.

    "Sure, what's up?" I responded.

    "I keep getting bleeding from me arse, and I am off to hospital to have a camera stuck up me bum to see what's up there" he candidly said.

    The thoughts that raced through my head, I could imagine him being presented with a thin fibre optic camera, and refusing it, demanding instead one of those massive outside broadcast efforts from the seventies, along with a full sound crew, and Alan Whicker to provide commentary. Or would they find Lord Lucan astride Shergar, vainly looking for an exit. Would his cavernous anus be graffiti strewn, tagged by the numerous rent boys that had forgotten to strap a plank of wood to their arses? Please feel free to enter your ideas of what could be lodged up the Funky one's keister.

    Don't get me wrong. I love the guy to bits, and wish him the speediest of recoveries. But let's just hope he learns, that your sphincter is for life, not for ones amusement. And long may he continue to provide me the wealth of ammunition that he has up until now, always afforded.

    Get well soon funky.

    Thursday, July 02, 2009

    Hard Won

    It's not often you will hear me say this, but here goes. The better team, on the night, lost. A cobbled together JMF, shorn of all it's regulars bar Dead Eye, put in a heroic effort, that looked like reaping it reward, till they ran out of steam with the winning line in sight. It was hot, sticky and close down the Wood, and the opening exchanges were tight, till Shouty went in. It has always been feast or famine with the Right Honourable, and his first stint was definitely skinny, as the MoFo racked up a five goal lead. When he finally came out, we managed to pull within two goals, before Two Scoops decided to out clown the Shoutster. Not once, but twice, did Young Dan beat him from within his own half, as the Scoopmeister sat daydreaming. Once again we came within two scores, but they matched us time again, until Shouty decided to grant us the feast side of his keeping skills. It proved to be the straw that broke the camels back, as myself and Clogs pulled the game level, and then surged in to the lead via a couple of Two Scoops goals. But there was controversy at the death, The good Doctor had a very good penalty shout at the death, Two Scoops did appear to enter the penalty area, just as the Shotgun was preparing to empty both barrels. It looked a clear pen to me, but Dan was accused of shoving him in, so it was decided six of half a dozen of the other. The bell rang almost immediately, and a one goal victory was secured. Dead Eye summed it up it up thus "Now I know who gutted all those teams feel when they are beat one nil by a spawny Man Utd" I fear he has a point.

    Anyway, it is our first back to back in months, and was badly needed. Normal service should resume next week, apart from Young Gaz for Luklear, as the rest of the limp wristed arse bandits make a return.

    Line-ups;

    JMF- Dr Shotgun, Young Gaz, Young Dan, Big Phil and Dead Eye

    EURO E- JohnnyMedia, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Shouty

    2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 13


  • Euro Elite - 10


  • Draws - 1
  • Wednesday, July 01, 2009

    Battle of the Brews...Credit Crunch Result

    I feared there would be a large number of you voting for Evil Empire, and I was right, as Tesco's Value Lager won in a landslide. I suspect this was done as a wind up up, as I find it hard to believe any body who professes to be a member of the Bender Squad would would even entertain letting this putrid piss pass their lips. It did win by quite a margin mind... This means there is but one round left before we move on to the serious business of the knockout phase. Qualifiers are listed below;

    • Kronenbourg 1664
    • Becks Vier
    • Corona
    • Budweiser
    • Rolling Rock
    • Heineken
    • Grolsch
    • Guinness
    • Leffe Blond
    • Becks
    • Holstein Pils
    • Red Stripe
    • Peroni
    • Tesco Value Brand Lager

    Monday, June 29, 2009

    Nicht! Es ist Scheiße!

    I checked into the TSV 1860 website today, to check if the 2009/10 fixtures were out. Instead I was greeted with the new strip for next season. And it is shit. Take a gander below:




















    Now I know that baby blue and white are not the most masculine of colours, but this effort is camper than a boy scouts jamboree. Powder blue with an azure lion imposed on it? Purlease... Still there are signs next season could be better than the previous couple of mediocre campaigns. Some solid signings, including an attacking midfielder from St Pauli, Gabor Kiraly in nets and a couple of other solid players who have a good record in the second tier of the Bundesliga. There is even talk that Didi Hamman could be on his way from Manchester City. There is still no news to report on next seasons schedule, but I will be running the rule over our options once they are announced.

    St Pauli, is still the one we have a hard on for, as the team play in the infamous area of the Reeperbahn in Hamburg, world renowned for it's nocturnal night life. Hopefully there will also be a repeat of the halftime shenanigans that happened during the Munich fixture this year, when a couple of fans went all out to promote harmony between the two clubs, pictured to the right. Sprocket has priced up a three day jaunt for around £170, flying from Manchester. There is also some good news on the exchange rate, which has gone out to €1.15 to the quid, but during these volatile financial times, that could end up anywhere by the time we make our Lowen pilgrimage.

    So what about a contingacy plan if the St Pauli game falls on a date that is not viable? Well there is always the option of returning to Munich for a home game, but with a few milestone birthdays on the horizon, this may be better saved for another crack at the Octoberfest, perhaps the season after. So we are looking at away games. Kaiserslauten are probably the most famous team in the division, and boast a stadium that was used during the 2006 World Cup, but I am not so sure about what the Hell we woulkd do for the rest of our time there. Frankfurt have a team, FSV, who share Eintract's 50,000+ seater stadium. The city is one of Europes main airport hubs, so flights should not be hard to come by, and as it is one of Germanys biggest cities, there shouldn't be much problem finding stuff to occupy ourselves with. Aachen is another decent call. It is smack on the border with both Belgium and Holland, so would provide a chance to spread our wings to different countries, or alternativley, it is a short train journey from both Clogne and Dusseldorf. None of the teams that were relegated are of a calibre that would warrant an extended visit. Watch this space....

    Sunny

    It has been far too nice to be sat inside spouting forth this weekend. Beer and Sun. What a fine combination. Enjoy it while it lasts...

    Friday, June 26, 2009

    Righteous Fight Back

    Sorry this is a day late, but myself and the mercenary wenrt for a couple of celebratory pints after our win, and when I got in The Wire was on so I didn't get a chance to report on the result. The final margin of victory was a comfortable 6 goals, although with about 15 minutes remaining we had blown a similar lead, and been pegged back to all square. But as is the case when fighting back from such a deficit, once the effort of regaining parity has been achieved, it is quickly lost. Two Scoops, Clogs and Shouty made sure there would be no fairy tale ending for the ruby red MoFo, and by the end of the game they were a spent force. The question is, can we maintain last nights form? It has been months since we pulled of back to back wins, and as the season has passed the halfway mark, we could do with making some inroads to the shirt lifters four game advantage.

    Line-ups;

    JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Young Dan, Funky and Dead Eye

    EURO E- The Mercenary, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Shouty

    2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 13


  • Euro Elite - 9


  • Draws - 1
  • Tuesday, June 23, 2009

    Battle of the Beers.....Credit Crunch

    You thought I'd forgotten hadn't you? No I was just waiting for the Shoutster to provide me with the information and pictures to run this penultimate qualifying round. It was his idea, as he has been one of the hardest hit Squad members, to run a round dedicated to the very bottom end of the beer market, the supermarkets own brand, He included Skol in this, but I have dropped this brand, because although I am no way a fan, it doesn't deserve to be lumped in with this lot.....

    Tesco Value Brand Lager
    This will probably garner a few votes by people wishing to wind me up, as I am a long time campaigner about the evilness of this company. It costs 93p for 4 cans at time of press, and has a whopping ABV of 2%, which seems to be par for the course amongst the contenders to be crowned king of the credit crunchers. It is allegedly made form wrung out orphans, and flavoured with crushed kittens. I personally would rather lick the floor of the Gents in the Walkabout bar in Bradford than put this shite to my lips.

    Asda Smart Price Price Lager
    Three pence cheaper than it.s main rival of evil, Tesco, at 91p for a pack pack. It has the same mighty content of 2%, and is brewed, allegedly, from the tears of terminally ill children and ground Panda. If presented with the choice of this beverage or sucking on Susan Boyles exhaust, the Scottish warbler would be hitting a higher note.



    Sainsbury's Basic Lager

    I think it is 93p per four pack, could not swear on it. Yet another two percenter. It is allegedly brewed using Jamie Olivers urine. The can is nicer looking than others, in particularly Tescos, which looks as cheap as its price. Given the choice between this, and the HIV riddled seed of a smack head homosexual, I would probably choose the lager. but I would have to think about it.



    Morrisons Own Brand Lager

    I think they do one, Shouty did send a picture, but I seem to have misplaced it. It is no doubt another 2% ABV, and probably tastes like piss. I have trawlled the t'interweb trying to unearth a picture to put at the side of this paragraph, but there ain't one to be found. So seeing as I have punished you guys enough with this posting, enjoy a picture of a random fit bird instead.

    Now I know, before everybody starts telling me, that there are cheap "Own" brands at shops such as Netto, Aldi and Lidl, but even though the recession is hitting us all in our pockets, things have not got that bad. Anyway, the offerings above may be, on the surface, insanely cheap,but at two percent, you would have to drink an oceans worth to get pissed. A false economy indeed.

    Spent Force?

    I get accused of being a Michael Owen hater on a regular basis, and although I admit to not being his greatest fan, I am called this because I feel he is, at the very highest level anyway, a spent force. I would love to be proved wrong, and see him shoot England to glory in next summers world cup finals, but I very much doubt I will be. I have a bet on with Shouty that he will fail to break Bobby Charlton's scoring record for the national team, taken three years ago, another reason I am seen as being down on the guy, but let's be honest, he hasn't set the world alight for quite a spell now, has he? One goal in 2009, and dropped by a team that was eventually relegated. Fabio thinks the likes of Darren Bent and Emille Heskey are better squad selections. A free agent, who has so far had only the might of Hull City and Wigan Athletic declare any kind of interest. Not the cream of European football is it? It is always sad to see any athletes decline, but what I can't figure out is why every body thinks it is only temporary. Alan Shearer harped on for ages about how he deserved a place in the starting England XI whilst sat on the Match of the Day sofa, till he became his manager. Needing a win in Newcastles final game to avoid the drop, he was left on the bench. But the saddest thing in this whole episode is the 32 page brochure that is being touted around the football leagues extolling our former goalden boy. View it here;

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1194209/MICHAEL-OWEN-BROCHURE-The-complete-32-page-agents-dossier-fallen-Newcastle-star-England-striker.html

    It is even has a page dedicated to Mr Owens "Brand Values," which tell us how aspirational and cool, amongst other things, he is. Shouty, feel free to pay up when you are ready....

    Monday, June 22, 2009

    Top Lobon

    Is it James May on another Top Gear challenge? No it's Mick Gay on a Mid Life whim! Brother Lobon, not happy cruising the glamorous highways of West Yorkshire in his trusty works van, has purchased himself a convertible BMW to turn heads. He has blamed his wife for making him do it, but I reckon he won't have needed a whole lot of persuading. Let's just hope his aged sports car proves more reliable than the Great British summer, as his new toy doesn't have an automated roof but a manual one, that as he demonstrated, takes only eight minutes to put down. With the amount of rain showers we get this time of year, it will at least provide him with plenty of exercise. And when it comes time to sell it on? There are plenty of Albanian asylum seekers that will be more than happy to take it off his hands. Goooooooo Lobon!!!

    Return to Hooters??

    The fixture list is out, and our first game of the season presents us with an opportunity to make a return visit to Hooters, I mean Notts County. Crespo is up for driving duties, although I will checkout train details to see if it is a viable, ie affordable alternative. the only problem is that it is the week after Mad Ads stag shindig, so brass, and the wife's temperament, might be a bit on the short side (as ever). Just checked the train price, £41 is a bit on the pricey side. The other away day that I would like to be taken under consideration is a trip down to the south coast next April, to watch the bantams take on the Cherries of Bournemouth. I have priced up the flights at around £65, and I reckon we could get a room for about £30. Boxing day is Bury away, which is a garden shed, but they have nice pies, and a clubhouse with cheap beer. We just need a driver.

    I would like to make an effort for these matches, and we will see what happens as the season progresses. The other major football adventure revolves around our annual TSV 1860 trip. We are hoping for Hamburg big time, but until the fixture list is released we wont know. I would also like to resurrect our pilgrimage to see the more famous names in European football, and fancy Lisbon or Genoa, but with the Euro still kicking Sterling's butt, they remain firmly on the drawing board.

    Thursday, June 18, 2009

    Nobody saw this Coming??

    I do not for a moment condone in any shape or form, the recent incident in Belfast, that resulted in up to a hundred Romanian immigrants having to flee their homes. There is simply no excuse for the actions of the perpetrators who attacked women and children. But it did get me wondering one thing? What the Hell were they doing in Ulster in the first place? The good citizens of Belfast are hardly renowned for being tolerant. It is not even a generation since they were quite happily killing and maiming one another. Had they never heard of this in the Carpathians? Did a bunch of them get together on a whim and decided "Hey I hear Northern Ireland is a really peaceful accepting city, let's go!" Or was it just one big dare, or even a bet? Where they all members of a Romanian Jackass show? Who can say, but it was certainly an odd choice. I bet Ryanair don't do much business on there newly opened Belfast to Bucharest route....

    McWhat??

    Is there anything quite as McPredictable as McDonalds McTaste of America promotion? Let me see, what can we do to make folk think we are providing an authentic glimpse of a region of the USA? I know let's take a Quarter pounder, put it in a bun with cheese, add mayo and say it's a Chicago Burger? Guess what they added for the Arizona variety? Peppers!! Every time I think of the Grand Canyon State, peppers spring immediately to mind. But even then I reckon they got there geography screwed up. For some reason the Chicago burger has Salsa on it! That well known Mexican accoutrement... At least they have got the Miami sandwich right. It features the obligatory streaky bacon and double cheese, as do they all, but it is also smothered in grade A uncut Colombian marching powder. Only kidding, but can you imagine the sales it would generate? No the boys at MaccyD's think nothing says "Miami" like a chilli, chive and sesame bun. My advice? Stick to the Big Mac....

    Wednesday, June 17, 2009

    A MoFo too Far

    Hmmmmmm....What could have been? Writing this blog, I have always been quick to castigate those who have under performed, or just played poorly so it is only fair that I accept that the difference last night down the Wood was probably down to me. We lost by five goals in the end, but it was tight game throughout, and until the final fifteen minutes could have gone either way. But my woeful finishing, cost us dear. Big JohnnyMedia might put down to my passing, but I ain't having it. That was fine. Time and again I cut a swathe through the heart of the MoFo defence, and when confronted by goalkeeping of the quality of Jamon and Young Gaz, fluffed my shot. This was in total contrast to Young Gaz and Dead Eye, who combined beautifully to score on several occasions. They were matched early on by Two Scoops, whose first fifteen minutes were electric. The game then went through a low scoring phase, Lefty and Myself saving well, but matched equally between the sticks by the performance of both Dead Eye and Young Dan. But we couldn't afford to keep spurning our scoring chances, and were made to pay. A healthy five game lead has now opened, although there is still plenty of time left.

    Line-ups;

    JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Young Dan, Funky and Dead Eye

    EURO E- Big JohnnyM, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and Lefty

    2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 13


  • Euro Elite - 8


  • Draws - 1
  • Tuesday, June 16, 2009

    The Grand Tour

    I know the start of footie season is a good 10 weeks or so off, but on Wednesday the 2009/10 fixture lists for the Football League are announced. Off course seeing as my beloved Bantams are still mired in the bottom tier of the professional English league. there isn't a great deal to get excited about. This is our third season in League Two, which sucks BIG time, when you consider just one step up the ladder would see two local derbies against Leeds and Huddersfield, not to mention teams such as Norwich, Southampton and Charlton Athletic, teams which until recently featured in the Premier League.

    Instead we get to play legendary names such as Accrington Stanley, Burton Albion, Aldershot and Dagenham and Redbridge. Be still my beating heart. We don't even have a decent shout to go to London (Barnet?!?) So which destinations stand out for a decent away day? There are three chances to fetch our bucket and spades to the seaside, Morecambe, Torquay and Bournemouth. we have done Morecambe, so a trip to see the Cherries or the sea Gulls is a more preferable choice. I have never been to Torquay, but I reckon Bournemouth might be a better option ( and that has nothing to do with thew fact it has numerous titty bars.) On the pie front, there is a return to Rochdale and Bury on the cards, they are the closest games we will get to a "Derby" as well. Notts County will be tempting, if for no other reason than it has a Hooters on it's door step. Lincoln City would also be a good port of call, university towns are always a good place to go on the razz. I have also got it on pretty good authority (well, Shouty) that Chesterfield isn't a bad old night either.

    So fingers crossed the computer spits out the right games on the right dates. My personal choices would be Bournemouth or Torquay away, either early doors, or in the last four weeks of the season.

    Monday, June 15, 2009

    Interior Design?????

    When we bought the house that we are currently in six years ago, the only down side, to the Elster any way, was that the previous owners had some decidedly strange ideas when it came to interior decorating, as I believe it is called. Most of it was easy to change. I just gave the Elster loads of money and she did whatever she thought was required. But there was one thing that we never got round too changing. The front room. What the previous owners were thinking, I am not sure. Perhaps they were skiing enthusiasts. Or possibly yearned to live in a sauna. I have no idea, all I know is that the back wall, the one that partitioned us from other side of the semi, was clad in an Alpine style wood panelling. Think Nordic Ski Lodge, and you wouldn't be a million miles off. The problem was we didn't have a clue what was behind it, and I was worried it would cost a packet if it all need re plastering and the like. So for the past 6 years I have fended off all attempts to pull it off. To be honest, I kind of got used to it. It was good at sticking stuff too, and me and the kids stuck all kids of stuff on it. At one point I had a Hooters vest, fresh off the back of one of the serving wenches, stuck on it like an ill gotten trophy. It was also home to Torro, the bulls head I brought back from Madrid. The bambinos even got in on the act, although the the little blighters did stick up a poster of Homer Simpson dreaming about a doughnut, in homage to me, their Father. Santa passed by their stockings that year I can tell you.

    But why am I telling you all this? Well the Elster must have slipped some kind of Prozac into my food one night, either that or I was pissed and horny and made a pact to get some, and I agreed she could take off a strip of wood to see what it was like behind. Unluckily for me, it was in pretty good nick, so I have spent all Sunday morning pulling of wood panelling, instead of myself. This means all my stuff has been bagged and tagged, and poor old Torro is currently homeless. This I can live with. What I cannot live with is the Elster some how thinking that I have suddenly acquired a working knowledge of home furnishing. Did you know there is apparently a colour called "Stone"? Even worse there are books with curtains and a whole array of other stuff, that I am all of a sudden supposed to have an opinion on. The Boy Dazzler rang up, and our lass was off, quizzing him on what kind off offers he had on at his carpet shop. I told him I didn't have a clue what she was on about, which amused him no end. I said I don't know what makes her think I have any kind of idea about matching shades, and walls and rugs, to which he replied "Either do I, you can only just about manage to dress yourself!" which I thought was pretty harsh, till I thought about it. This is, of course, going to go on for weeks. There is going to be those stupid little paint pots that you get so you can try different colours on the wall. And the indecision. Everyday will bring a new perspective. Every time we watch something on the telly it will be "Ooo, what do you think of those drapes?" and "Is that a lovely shade of plum?" I am missing the paneling almost as much as Torro is.......

    This is the only known picture of the no departed wall, taken at Christmas dinner a couple of years ago. It is only a background shot, and was snuck past the Elster who wouldn't allow any photos to be taken anywhere near it.

    New Feature

    You may have noticed to your left, there is a new gadget that I have added. It is a the slide show I uploaded a few days ago. I know it is a bit on the small side, but at the moment it is the only way I can get it to fit, and seeing as it has just now passed midnight, I will try and improve it another time. Anyway I aim to update it as and when anyone sends me a picture of themselves sporting a TSV 1860 wristband outside a famous, or in some cases not so famous, location. If you can get a celebrity shot either wearing it yourself, or even better getting somebody famous to wear it. I will also upload it. It doesn't matter how d-list said celeb is, in fact, the worse the better. Think Peter Andre or Gareth Gates. I will do a short post whenever there is an update. If you do not own an 1860 wristband, and are planning a jaunt to some place or another let me know, I have one that I can loan you. You may think it a waste of time. or even a bit on the sad side, but bollox to you, I don't care, as it keeps me out of mischief. Thanks to my good friend down in New Zealand, Shaggy Marcus for the most recent additions. To view all photos. add comments and what not, just click on one off the pictures and it will take you to the online album.

    Sunday, June 14, 2009

    The English just Don't give a XXXX

    As regular perusers will know, I have been running a competition to find out which brew will be endorsed as the Bender Squad official beer. During the past few weeks i have chosen a selection of ales, lagers, stouts and beers that best represent a certain niche, and have voted on it. A few have been universally snubbed for the bland corporate kak that have been foisted upon these shores. But I have a couple of news stories that might be of interest.

    First up is the news that Castlemaine XXXX is packing up it's didgeridoo and slinging it's hook back off down under, after a quarter of a century. How did it survive so long??? Well back in the day, when bitter drinkers still outnumbered lager drinkers (and it isn't that long ago) the choices that faced non beer drinkers were sparse. Hoffmeister, Tenets, Skol and Harp were pretty much your lot. So when XXXX came along, on the back of an excellent ad campaign, it was an instant success, much the same way Fosters was. I am slightly ashamed to confess that during my teenage years, that Castlemaine was my lager of choice, when Holsten wasn't available. But thankfully times change, and with brands such as Carlsberg, Stella and Becks popping up, the nastier cooking lagers disappeared. Apart from XXXX, which mistakenly believed it could still emulate it's early success. But a combination of being a pretty pissy lager, and the fact that we all began to realise that stuff from Australia, including bloody Australians, were pretty shit, proved to be the final nail in the coffin. Hell, they even stopped selling it in Walkabout two years ago.

    The other thing that I couldn't help noticing, was just how many brewers and beers had been, or were about to be swallowed up buy the massive multi national AB Inbev. They hit the headlines last year when they stumped up $52 Billion to acquire Annheuser Busch, the American brewers of Budweiser, amongst many others. Well they weren't immune to the economic down turn, and in an effort to reduce it's debt have put numerous brands, or assets as they would call them, up for sale. They have already offloaded a number of its far east brews, and are said to be looking to shed a number of the eastern European outfits. Rumours suggest they are ready to offload the high profile Becks, if the price is right. Rolling Rock is another that could be put up for sale. Will it signal a return to the small operations that built up these brands in the first place? We can only hope.

    Battle of the Brews....Pot Pourri Result

    With only a couple of rounds remaining till we get down to the nitty gritty, the latest beer to enter the knockout fray is Peroni, the pride of Italy. It was a close run round, the winner staved off a late challenge by Budweiser Budvar. I am awaiting Shoutys "Credit Crunch" entries, he should have the time to do it this week. If it hasn't arrived by Thursday, I will run the German Styles entry a week early.

    • Kronenbourg 1664
    • Becks Vier
    • Corona
    • Budweiser
    • Rolling Rock
    • Heineken
    • Grolsch
    • Guinness
    • Leffe Blond
    • Becks
    • Holstein Pils
    • Red Stripe
    • Peroni

    Close but No Cigar

    I was unable to captain my team last Wednesday down the Wood, I was busy dodging beggars in Bournemouth, and haven't seen any of the chaps who did play. I did get a text from the Mercenary, who reported that the the evil lady boys of the JMF had won by a single goal, and that Two Scoops had fluffed a chance to earen a draw right at the death. So it is back to a four game lead for the Disco loving MoFo. Next week I return to lead the Righteous, but both Shouty and Shotgun are missing. I have yet to garner a couple a replacements, but it shouldn't be a problem.

    2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 12


  • Euro Elite - 8


  • Draws - 1
  • Transfer Madness

    So the poncy Portugeezer has finally flounced off to Madrid, to be joined by another former world footballer of the year, Kaka, for the combined sum of around £150 million quid, A lot of cash, for sure. By my reckoning you could get 300 million Joe Colbecks for a similar price. But it doesn't stop there. Other players looking to be traded for £40 million plus include Frank Riberry, Karim Benzema and David Villa. But the strangest rumour concerns Inter Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic. His agent has proclaimed him to be the worlds greatest striker, and as such worth at least £80 million. I was even more surprised to find out that tall Swedish hit man is thought to be the world highest played player. Now I have seen this fella play before, when he was at Ajax, and his playing style is very reminiscent of our dearly departed Super Barry Conlon. He is a better player, for sure, but 80 million? Paid more than Messi? Or Rooney? He may have been the highest goal scorer in the Italian first division, but for the last couple of seasons the scuddetto has served up a standard on a par with the Scottish Premier. And to top it off he plays for the best team, by a country mile, in that division. Even the King of the Pixies, Mr Sandro Pirici could rattle a few in if you stuck him upfront against some of the dross that play in Italy's top league. Look at his goal scoring "Feats" in the last 16 off the champions league. Or maybe not, as he rattled in the sum total of zero goals. All I can say to Mr Ibrahimovic is that the only thing that can be considered the best in the world involving yourself,would be your agent. Better than Fernanado Torres? My wrinkled scrotum.

    Friday, June 12, 2009

    Le Grande Buffon 2009

    It has been one of the quietest spells in living memory on the stupidity front. I blame the Credit Crunch, it seems to be responsible for everything else. After all, it is easier to be stupid when tanked than when sober, although not always. As the example I am about to relate illustrates. I was meeting some people down in Bournemouth, and had been booked on a plane, and into a hotel. So far so good. I arrived at my destination, and flagged down a cab. Now it was late in the evening, and I had done a 10 hour shift earlier in the day, and I couldn't remember the full name of the hotel. "I am after a place called the Durley something" I said to the cab driver. "No worries mate" he replied and took me to a place called the Durley Dean Hotel. The next problem came at the reception. I asked if there was a room booked in my name. There wasn't. I scratched my head and realised that I could only remember the guy who booked the rooms nickname. Which didn't help in the slightest. Are you with the conference, they asked. Yes, I said. Don't worry, leave us your card imprint, and we will sort it in the morning. So after a good night's kip, I went down to breakfast, and still couldn't spot my delegation. I finally tracked them down at around eleven o'clock. "Where were you last night" asked Fred. "They said you didn't check in the morning." "Which hotel am I booked into?" I asked. "The Durley Grange" was his reply. D'oh!! I had managed to stay in the wrong place, and was charged £50 for the privilege. I reckon the chap at the Durley Dean knew exactly what was happening, and saw a chance to fill a room . Wanker....... Anyway, no matter which you paint it, Buffoon points are required. Shouty reckons I should get a guzillion, but everyone else seems agreed that eight points is a fairer score. I just hope Crespo has done something stupid in Portugal.

    1. Shouty 27 points
    2. Euro Bri 16 points
    3. Helmet 14 points
    4. Crespo 11 points
    5. Pembo 4 points
    6. Dr Shotgun 2 points
    7. Funky 1 point
    8. G Spot 1 point
    9. Sprocket 1 point

    Beside the Smackside

    What is it with British seaside resorts and ne'er do wells? Blackpool is stuffed to the brim with 'em, and even the genteel retirement town of Bournemouth has it's fair share. I was amazed on my last trip to Blackpool to see that almost every shop had to have door men on them to stop thieves. Even the train station had adopted an airport style gate entry system to stop bums using them to bed down for the night. I know because I asked. Just up the way in Morecambe things aren't as bad, but there are some seriously weird folk about. Put it this way, I wouldn't let my kids out of my sight, if you get my drift. But it is Bournemouth that surprised me the most. The place it self is very nice. It has retained much of it's Georgian and Victorian buildings, and the new buildings have been built to tie in with their surroundings. The park and beach front are of the highest order, but I couldn't get over the number of pan handlers on one of the main strips. It was like running a gauntlet of track suited youths badgering you for a quid. One made his play by letting me know that he wasn't on smack, he had checked into a hospice, and could he have a pound to get something to eat. "Listen mate" I said "If you are going to try and beg for money, you will be more successful if you don't stink of cheap booze. Sorry mate." And left him stood there. The next day it was the turn of a wild eyed strumpet. "Here mate" She said and made a bee line straight for me. "Give us a quid." This request was made with her face little more than three centimetres from mine. She looked desperate, and not a little deranged. "Sorry. no change" and I was offski. That was my last run down that particular street.

    The only reason I can think off for our sea side becoming such a haven for the nations flotsam and jetsam is the number of Bed and Breakfasts that are more than happy to accept DHSS money to house them. Sadly this drives away the paying customer, and as a result, these places are great places for a day trip, but not so great for an extended sojourn. I can not think of at the moment a more depressing place than the coast in the north west. Morecambe is a crumbling ghost town, and if there is a more awful place in Europe than Blackpool, I have yet to clap eyes on it.

    Monday, June 08, 2009

    A Brief Sojourn

    This weekend was a fairly steady affair, which is saying something, as I had a close encounter with the Wibsey boys on Friday night. And they were out celebrating Paddys birthday to boot. Luckily I was not blessed with oodles of cash, so I daredn't attempt to keep pace with the crazy fools. Being reasonably sober meant that I was also able to fend off all attempts of shit tasching and shag bites. But this is not the reason for this brief post. I am taking off for the south coast for a few days rest and recuperation. Although it is an area full of old folk, or so I am lead to believe, I am sure I will be able to get online in some shape or form to waffle on about something or another. Ciao for now...

    Sunday, June 07, 2009

    Battle of the Brews.....The Empire Results

    It's taken a spell to get round to announcing the results, many apologies. The result was a decisive win for Red Stripe, with only Labatts and Tiger garnering any other votes. So there are now just four places left before we enter the elimination rounds of the last 16.

    • Kronenbourg 1664
    • Becks Vier
    • Corona
    • Budweiser
    • Rolling Rock
    • Heineken
    • Grolsch
    • Guinness
    • Leffe Blond
    • Becks
    • Holstein Pils
    • Red Stripe

    Battla of the Brews.........Pot Pourri

    Sorry about the delay, I was hoping to run this post later, but that well known procrastinator the Shoutster has been, well, procrastinating. So instead of his Credit Crunch Special, I am rounding up the beers that fall outside of most of the grouping we have used to whittle down the various brews and brands. After this post, Shoutster permitting, will be two ore before we enter the knock-out phase to determine which ale will be endorsed as the "Official Beer of the Bender Squad."

    Peroni
    Ciao Bella, Italy's premier beer export. Nasstro Azzuri (Blue Ribbon) is the predominant style on sale throughout the world, but they also have a couple of others, including a lite style in the USA, and if memory serves a dark style as well. Peroni first began making inroads via the numerous Italian eateries, and can even be found on draught in some of the more upmarket ones. It has a bit of poke, with an ABV of 5.1%, and provides the perfect compliment for a plate of full of lovely spicy meatballs. Mmmmmmmm Meatballs. It has a crisp dry taste, and you can buy it in Jumbo bottles at Morrison's. Don't know if it would make a good session beer though.

    Tuborg
    A Danish offering first brewed in 1894, it has been a part of the Carlsberg group since 1970. A crisp tasting Pilsner, it is only recently been given a marketing boost in the UK. It is most commonly seen on the shelves of supermarkets, and because it trying to gain a foothold, can often be found as a BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free) although if you come across it on tap, it isn't as cheap as the cooking lagers. Not bad, but I prefer Carlsberg, although Tuborg has a higher ABV of 4.6%. It apparently outsells it's sister beer, Carlsberg in it own country, and throughout most of Scandinavia. The most popular of the range, and the one on sale in the UK is the Gron, (green in Danish), named so for the colour of the bottle.

    Zyweic
    First the Berlin Wall crumbled. Then the countries formerly under the control of Soviet Russia, joined the European Union. This paved the way for the biggest influx of immigrants in over a generation. And they bought their beer with them. Unpronounceable named beverages, lacking vowels, and sold in pint sized bottles. You can even get quite a few of them on draught now. Chief amongst the new arrivals were the Poles. Now a lot of us must have some Polish genes in our heritage, because these boys love beer. In their homeland they even have a political party the PDP (Polish Beer Drinkers Party) which has won several seats in their Parliament. Anyway back to the beer. The reason I have chosen the Heineken owned Zweic to represent the Poles is simple. It is the only one I can spell. Its main brewery is near Krakow, and until World war Two was owned by the Hapsburg family, before the Commies put it under state control. Poland under the Ruskies was not the happiest place on earth, so the beer is pretty potent. The Pilsner style lager on sale here weighs in with an ABV of 5.6%

    Budweiser Budvar
    The Czech Republic, the country with officially the highest consumption of beer per head. It is also the home of a town called Plzen (or Pilsen to give it's German name) were in 1842 a golden lager was brewed for the first time. It became known as a Pilsner or just Pils. The traditions of Czech brewing remained in tact for centuries, and ironically, the long communist rule kept these traditions alive due to the lack of investment in modern machinery. Since the fall of the Red Empire though, globalisation has seen huge investment, that of course means the smaller breweries have been swallowed up and closed, and there has been a shift to more bland tasteless fayre to suit the international palate. Enough of the history, on to the beer itself. The most famous, and popular export is the world renowned Budweiser Budvar.n There are two kinds to watch out for, the 12 degree with an ABV of 5%. and the 10 degree at 4%. It has a distinctive flavour, and is a favourite of the Boy Dazzler. Much of it's fame however stems form it's lengthy legal fights with the American Goliath Anheuser-Busch, makers of Budweiser. The Yanks contended they have the sole right of use of the name, but seeing as it translates as "from Budvar" which means in effect anything made in Budvar can carry the name. This is why in States it is known as Czechvar and in some parts of Europe, such as Spain the American brew is called Bud. It all seems a bit churlish to me. One tastes like fizzy water and the other is from the Czech republic. This could all be about to change though, as the Czech government have announced plans to privatise the state owned brewer. This will practically guarantee it falling in the hands of one of the large faceless multi nationals.

    Sagres
    Portugals best selling beer has been making some inroads into the United Kingdom since the country held the Euro Football championships in 2004. It has also been helped along by the explosion of Nandos Piri Piri restaurants, who carry it to add a touch of authenticity, even though if I am not mistaken it is an Australian owned company. A fruity pale lager, it is one of those beers that is nice on a hot sticky day, which unfortunately isn't something you get often on the green and pleasant island. It is the regulation 5% ABV of most lagers now and is what it is. Average.

    Kirin
    Last but not least on this marathon session of battle of the brews, we scoot off to the land of the rising sun, Japan. I was going to nominate Sapporo for this country, but it appears to have disappeared from these shores. It will be best remembered for it's iconic can, of which the whole top came off, leaving you with a can that you drink out of like a glass. It was as cool as fuck. But it is no more, and it's replacement is not the easiest brand to find either. Sushi bars are your best bet, but this being Yorkshire they are few and far between. If I am not mistaken there might be one in Leeds, but that is it, I would hazard. Good old JD Wetherspoons carry it, on occasion, and that's about it. Even the supermarkets don't stock it. "So why is it on here?" I hear you ask. Simples. I like it. Not as much as the others perhaps, but I felt it was worth a mention.

    Is It Me......



    ......or does Brother Lobon look nothing like Jim Bowen???

    Thursday, June 04, 2009

    Wristband Around the World

    Right, this may be a total cock up, as this is the first time I have attempted to upload a slide show. I was at work, day dreaming as per usual, when I got an idea for the blog. What if I uploaded a series of photos showing various friends and members of the Bender Squad, proudly sporting their TSV 1860 Munchen wristbands next to famous, infamous and the downright obscure landmarks of the world? Suitably intrigued i set out to make this fancy a reality. I have trawled through my photos to gauge the viability of my mission. There are a few, but they do seem to feature an awful lot taken in Munich. I have worn my Band with honour throughout out the world, but because I have only just had this flash of inspiration, I did not bother getting a snap of myself wearing it in such worthy places as Chicago, Salzburg, Graceland, Edinburgh, Moencengladbach and Rochdale. Gives me a reason to return I suppose. Anyway, like I said at the beginning of this post, this is a first attempt, so here goes.....



    By Jove it works!! I am not quite sure how, but what the devil, success! If you want to see the captions or adjust the speed they go at, run the arrow over the bottom of the picture, and it should bring up a small menu. If you wish to see the pictures separately at your own pace, just click on the slide show and it should take you to an online album. The next minefield to cross is when I wish to upload a new entry. I guess it will keep me out of mischief...

    Apologies for the spelling on some of the slides, but if you think I am going through the whole rigmarole of sorting that out, think again.

    Wednesday, June 03, 2009

    Righteous SuperNova

    With injuries stacking up, and holiday season in full swing, I had to take drastic action to make up the numbers down the Wood tonight. I had to ring Big JohnnyMedia and beg for him to fill in. After the last time he played, he swore he would never set foot on the Nab Wood court again, we were beat so bad. I eventually talked him around, but he made it quite clear, if he felt there was a lack of commitment from the Euro boys, he was going to kick ass and take name. Maybe that's what has been missing from the Elites performance this year. The threat of violence. Because it burned as bright as seven SuperNovas, as we turned in a stellar display. The game was tight for the first quarter, the fruity JMF even managed to secure a two goal advantage. But then the tide turned. Two Scoops donned an invisible cloak ( he seemed to be transparent to the MoFo defence), and helped himself to a sack full of goals. Myself and Big JohnnyM were not giving an inch at the back, and the suspect JMF temperament imploded. They argued and slapped and scratched at each other like a bunch of back alley rent boys, as we made hay. At our peak we led by ten, and as is our wont when we reach this kind advantage, we went a bit Hollywood, but were never in any fear of relinquishing our superiority. If my counting is correct, we prevailed by seven in the end up, as they MoFo slunk off the court. The trick for us will to be keeping up the momentum. Time and again we think we have turned the corner, only to fuck it up the week after. The halfway point of the '09 campaign has been reached, and the Knob Jockeys have a deserved three game lead. The first half of the year is red, but can it be maintained? They have there enforcer, Lukelear War back next week. Game on. as they say....

    Line-ups;

    JMF- Jamon, Young Gaz, Young Dan, Funky and Dead Eye

    EURO E- Big JohnnyM, Two Scoops, Clogs, Euro Bri and shouty

    2009 Season

  • JMF wins - 11


  • Euro Elite - 8


  • Draws - 1
  • Shouties Straw Poll

    As my head clears, and the memories of last Saturday come flooding back, I remember Shouty doing one of his infamous "Straw Polls." I think this must be a Shipley thing, as I have also bore witness to Lefty and Stuart doing the same thing. It basically consists of a dispute. One that springs to mind is the now infamous "Fadge or Vadge" debate of last year. What happens is after a heated argument, that cannot be settled by fact or a presentation of overwhelming accord by other members of your drinking crew, somebody decides to canvass any passing, or present, stranger to settle said argument. As mentioned, lefty approached all and sundry to try and prove that the euphemism was Fadge and not Vadge, in his instance he won, and the argument was settled. Like I said earlier, it seems to be very much a Shipley tradition of proving one's self correct. On Saturday it was brother Shoutys turn to raise an issue. With there being some kind of Gay pride gathering in the main City Square, he announced that out of all present that Crespo was most likely to be considered a "Gay Icon." Of course Crespo disputed this, and as the the debate reached an impasse. the Shoutster decide to take his case to the public.

    There was some strange calls. Even I received a vote! If memory serves, and it serves badly, I think the Mercenary may also have been singled out once as the pink of the pack, but if Joe Public's voice is anything to go by, the choice was soon whittled down to two. Crespo and Plus One. And much to Shoutys chagrin it wasn't Kev. Plus one stole the title away, due it would seem to his decision to wear a tight t-shirt. Who says stereo types don't exist. A tenner says he doesn't wear it round Bradford again. But then again, good old down town Bradford isn't exactly right up there with Paris and Milan as a fashion hot spot, unless track suits and white socks have become En Vogue in the last twenty minutes.

    PS
    Do you spell it Shoutys or Shouties? The first just doesn't seem right, but I am not convinced by the latter. According to the spell checker they are both wrong. It's suggestion? Shorties! That can't be right, he is over six foot tall. Unless my browser is set to ironic mode, I don't think that is the one either. Any other tenders??

    Monday, June 01, 2009

    Winners All Round

    The annual FA Cup Bender got off to an inauspicious start in the Queens. It appears the lens on the big screen projector had not been wiped any time in the last five or six years, and the picture was chronic. It was so bad that we all thought it was Lescott who had scored the Cup finals quickest ever goal. So we supped up and headed across town to the Lord Clyde. It was scorching outside, but as predicted, the big screen that in Bradford's main square would have been ideal, was firmly rooted on BBC News 24. Happen it was for the best, as in the same square there was a huge Gay Pride rally, that would have diverted Crespo's attention from the match.

    The game was by no means a classic, but neither was it the dirge that has been served up the previous couple of years. Plus there was a silver lining for two of the Squads most senior members. After we worked out that it was Saha who had scored the opener, Brother Shouty was the first to cheer. He had four quid on him at 9/1, so was near enough £40 up on the day. But the winning was not finished, at the half time whistle, with the game tied at one a piece, Brother Helmet all of a sudden began to focus solely on the game. He seemed overly gutted when Malouda had a perfectly good goal ruled out. In fact he became downright grumpy. This all changed in a heartbeat, and when Fat Frank bent one in from distance, you could hear his cheer all across town. At full time his fluctuating mood swings were explained. He had put down a ton on a draw at half time, with Chelsea winning in 90 minutes. A healthy return indeed.

    So it was in great spirits that we took off for our meatball interval. Giuseppe's crew looked after us brilliantly, as usual, which can't be the easiest task considering we had bee on the ale for the best part of five hours. The food was fantastic, as was the largesse of Mr Tony Helmet, who shared his windfall with lads by picking up the tab. Nice one tony, it was very much appreciated by all. The rest of the afternoon was boozy to say the least. I discovered that the Shoulder of Mutton still has Bradford City Centres best beer garden, but still serves the rankest draught lager as well. If their Alpine Lager has ever seen the mountains it's name aspires too, I am a lesbian.

    At around eleven, the group began to split up. Helmet and the Mercenary made there way back to Wilsden before they turned into Sheep, and Plus One and Sprocket set sail back to Wakefield before Sprocket passed out. As for me, I had the great fortune to be left with Crespo and the Shoutster, who wouldn't take "no" for an answer, and dragged me off to a night club. Unfortunately for me, the one they decided on was Flares/Reflex, at the old Windsor Baths. If they were hoping to cure me of my aversion to "Clubs" they could not have picked a worse one. it was like somebody had taken the Pile Bar, cleared it of anybody interesting or remotely attractive, and transposed it down town. I hazard that the dance floor has been reinforced with the strongest substance known to man. It would need to be to retain it's integrity, given the pounding it was given by the herd of heifers who decided to bust a move, simultaneously when "Dancing Queen" was played. This is not to mention the worlds worst break dancer. Ennobled by a lethal mixture of Stella Artois and no doubt watching Diversity on the TV, he was a sight to behold. I figured him to be the wrong side of 47, shaven headed, and possessing the shortest pair of legs I have ever clapped eyes on. His "Moves" were one which he sprinted across the floor and skidded on his knees. His other one, and my personal favourite, was one were he seemed bound determined to spin on his head. Half way through said manoeuvre, he appeared to have a moment of clarity, realising the risk of permanent injury was imminent, and just laid still on the floor. He then remembered that it was supposed to be a dance move. So he bent his leg, and propped himself up on his elbow, in a rather camp come hither pose, and held it for about three minutes. I kid you not. But at least he was amusing. Something that could not be said for the most desperate woman I have ever seen. She was still searching for a shag after being rebuffed by several fella's, including our own Shouty, who was not impressed by her in the slightest.

    After an hour or so, I grew weary of the ongoing shenanigans that were going off around me. and bid farewell my to my two compadres, and made my way home. I had a great time, but spent some brass, so I will be taking it easy-ish for the next few weeks, although I am off to the coast next week to hook up with some old mates. The buffoonery count was low, even the Shoutster was pretty much idiot free, so the standings have not changed. I will be giving a full report on the M'balls in an extended "Quest for the Holy Meatball " post later in the week. There are a few to catch up on. There are no scheduled Benders now until Mad Ad's stag night in late July. If this weather holds up though, I figure to cobble something together before then.

    Bendership dream Team 2009 Winner

    A close finish, up until the last month, it looked that Big John B would become the first man to retain the title, but a solid push from the boys in Machines Galacticos saw him win his first crown. The season got off to a scorcher for both Bakes and Aki, but from the first transfer window, Euro, John B and Machine opened a gap from the rest of the pack, creating to all and intent purposes a three horse race. Sprocket and Lefty has a a couple of bursts, but nothing to worry the "Big Three." In the end I finished third, sixty points off the summit. Big John B made a brave effort to retain his crown, but fell 25 points short of the '09 champ Machine. His name joins the previous winners roll of honour:

    • 2009- Machine
    • 2008- Big John B
    • 2007- Lobon (although Funky hotly contests this)
    • 2006- Shouty
    Wooden spoon went to the Duke. I will be contacting all who participated when next seasons completion opens. Invitations are open to all and sundry.